From the Sephardi egalitarian synagogue in Jerusalem (yes Virginia, they exist!) Degel Yehuda, a beautiful recording of three different tunes from the Kurdish Jewish community for the book of Lamentations, traditionally read on Tisha beAv.
Predictions: OH PLEASE, LIKE WE DON’T HAVE THIS MOVIE BASICALLY MEMORIZED. I MEAN, IT’S SUCH A WEIRD PREMISE, BUT THE EXECUTION IS DELIGHTFUL. DELIGHTFUL, WE SAY!!!!!!!!
Plot: Tiny Jennifer Garner is a 13-year-old who loves reading fashion magazines and, as a result, wishes she were 30. (Weird, because, in our experience, people rarely specifically wish they were 30, but okay.) Her best friend is Tiny Mark Ruffalo, who is very sweet and not cool, but she wishes it were Tiny Judy Greer, who is aggressively cool and not at all sweet. Anyway, it’s Tiny Jennifer Garner’s 13th birthday party, and Tiny Mark Ruffalo gives her a beautiful homemade dollhouse – seriously, wtf, it’s amazing – but all Tiny Jennifer Garner wants instead is to be cool. Sigh. After an unfortunate Seven Minutes in Heaven prank, care of the charming Tiny Judy Greer, Tiny Jennifer Garner locks herself in the closet and desperately wishes to be 30.
SOMEHOW, THIS WORKS??????????
Jennifer Garner wakes up one morning, no longer tiny, and finds herself leading an extremely glamorous 30-year-old life. Way better than most 30-year-olds, we’re pretty sure. She’s now an editor at her favorite fashion magazine, she’s dating a New York Ranger, and she…owns? rents?? a massive Manhattan apartment in what is clearly a really fancy building. And she’s best friends, apparently, with also-no-longer-tiny Judy Greer, who also works as an editor at the same magazine. Totally confused, Jennifer Garner tries to get ahold of her parents, but they are away on a cruise (gasp! Without her??).
Out of sheer desperation, her next move is to track down Mark Ruffalo, now a photographer living in the Village. He is…startled to see her, as they have not been friends for many years, and yet not nearly as startled as you’d think he would be. He eventually takes pity on her, this seeming weird amnesiac, and catches her up with the aid of their high-school yearbook. Why aren’t we friends anymore?? she asks hysterically, and he’s like, well, because you ditched me, nbd. And she’s like, HEY what if this limo-filled life isn’t a dream?? and he’s like, welp, crazy person, if you really got everything you ever wished for, you might as well enjoy it. So Jennifer Garner does! For a while. But, soon enough, it becomes clear that a) the magazine is in trouble and b) her adult self is a terrible person, leading a truly reprehensible life. Sabotaging everyone she knows, sleeping with other people’s husbands…you get the idea.
Nonetheless, Jennifer Garner adapts shockingly quickly to her grown-up life, her bizarre quirkiness and seventh-grade education working out surprisingly well at work. She quits doing things like sleeping with other people’s husbands, becomes friends with her assistant and with the neighboring actual!13-year-old (SUPER WEIRD), and hires Mark Ruffalo to take some pictures for a magazine redesign. Obviously, within like a week and a half, they are each super into the other, and they eventually share a kiss. HOWEVER, Mark Ruffalo actually has a fiancée – although he and Jennifer Garner seem to be constantly forgetting about her, and she conveniently spends most of her time in Chicago, allowing him to freely work late with Jennifer Garner, gallivanting about town, eating Razzles, and making out under swing sets.
But of course, their quasi-illicit happiness cannot last. One day, Mark Ruffalo stops by to probably talk to Jennifer Garner about his feelings, and instead he runs into Judy Greer, who is just as evil as she was at 13, and she both snakes his photographs to destroy the magazine and implies that Jennifer Garner is still with the New York Ranger. Which really shouldn’t be a problem for you, Mark Ruffalo, since you are ENGAGED. :|
Anyway, he leaves sadly, and later Jennifer Garner returns and is alarmed to discover what Judy Greer has done. She takes an extremely expensive cab to pursue him to his parents’ house in New Jersey (next door to her parents’ house in New Jersey), where he is soon to be married in their backyard. She confesses her love, but he’s like, hey dude, sorry, I have to marry the person who’s been in my life more than two weeks. Which is the appropriate response, to his credit, though he shouldn’t have been gallivanting in the first place. It’s good you’ve come to your senses, Mark Ruffalo. But he has the dollhouse still, and he allows her to take it with her. She sits down on her parents’ stoop and weeps away her regrets, wishing she had not made such a huge mistake as to abandon her friendship with him when they were 13. “Oh, Mark Ruffalo,” she sobs. “If only I had known you would grow up to be so hot, I never would have thrown your love and this dollhouse masterpiece back in your face.”
~*~ZOMG MORE MAGIC~*~
Due to some magical pixie dust with an awesome shelf life + Jennifer Garner’s sincere regret, suddenly she is 13 again, in that closet. She bursts out of it and kisses Tiny Mark Ruffalo, fulfilling all his 13-year-old fantasies (ummmm, the chaste ones), and then they run upstairs and lo! It is the future again???? and they are getting married and buying a pink house. What does Jennifer Garner do for a living, in this alternate universe?? Unclear. The end.
Best Scene: Jennifer Garner and Mark Ruffalo are both hugely charming in this movie, and they share a really lovely, believable chemistry. So any scene where they’re together, but probably especially their falling-in-love montage, in which they take all those gorgeous seasonal photos for the magazine, and then are hanging out and, oops, kissing (shhhh, it’s fine, his fiancée’s in Chicago????), and the whole thing is set to Liz Phair’s “Why Can’t I?” So wonderful. So 2004.
Worst Scene: Um, obviously when Jennifer Garner’s co-worker’s sleazy husband shows up at her office, and he is neither pleasant nor attractive, and you’re like, WHY HAS SHE BEEN BANGING HIM???? Even in her previous, superficial life, it seems…confusing. She’s pretty hot. She could do better, if she’s really looking to cheat on the New York Ranger.
Best Line: “Beaver? You lost all your baby fat! How does the Beav stay warm in the winter?” – Judy Greer to Mark Ruffalo, referencing his unfortunate middle-school nickname. Poor Mark Ruffalo, but boy, is this a funny line.
Worst Line: “I – I have felt things these past few weeks that I didn’t know I could feel anymore.” – Mark Ruffalo, minutes before his would-be wedding, being just a shade too much. The rest of this rejecting-Jennifer-Garner’s-love-confession speech is okay, but this one sentence is dreadful. Also, seriously, man, get it together; you are getting married to ANOTHER PERSON, who is, like, probably downstairs and could come in at any moment.
Highlights of the Watching Experience: Trying to apply logic to this delightful but very weird film. Why doesn’t Judy Greer take Jennifer Garner, who is behaving EXTREMELY strangely, to the hospital for a possible concussion?? Why do Jennifer Garner’s teen neighbor’s parents just allow her and all her friends to have what appears to be a sleepover with this adult lady?? How exactly does this whole wishing-dust situation work???? So many questions.
How Many POC in the Film: There are actually a whole bunch of black people around at the magazine and parties and stuff, but nobody important, of course.
Alternate Scenes: This movie is pretty much perfect as it is. However, we are also extremely interested in the movie of the alternate timeline in which Jennifer Garner and Mark Ruffalo date as teenagers, then probably break up, then get back together. That movie would also be really up our street.
Was the Poster Better or Worse than the Film: Worse. The poster is fine – not that any poster could ever really describe the ludicrous premise of this film – but the movie is a joy. It surprises us every time we watch it what a joy it still is.
Score: 8.5 out of 10 time-traveling smooches. This movie is funny, we buy both the romance and the obstacles, and Jennifer Garner has a REALLY good reason for being “not like other girls.”
Ranking: 5, out of the 73 movies we’ve seen so far. Very high on the list, as it should be. Though not as high as we would think Jennifer Garner was, if she were our friend and suddenly started behaving like a time-traveling 13-year-old.
Yeeah, couple of problems there- you BOASTED about not playing the games and did your damndest to ignore them even as more and more characters were added to them, and prioritized your own creations over characters from the games *and* the shows, to say nothing of flooding the book with superflous characters who at times seemed to exist for the sake of it.
And buster, its far too late for you to even pretend you give a shit about sounding like a bitter, egomaniacal ass- Flynn gave plenty of his own contributions and even tried to build off YOUR shit, and you insulted him over it when really even bothering to maintain your asinine crap was being charitible.
And you know, the funny thing is, Jim Shooter himself explained precisely why the Nintendo comics were cancelled, which had a lot to do with Nintendo not providing enough materials and beaving bizzarely in ways that made it difficult to move forward. Your boss, who is far more involved in such things than you, said as much, but you keep ignoring pushing this false narrative to justify your attempts to hijack the comic for your own ends.