I’m the kind of person who is better of handling things alone, when tough waters come I leave everyone alone so I can survive or drown in my peace.
But I also couldn’t allow myself to drown and drag you down with me.
The girl who didn’t drown but survived to have no one around
I can’t fucking believe i’m 12 weeks out from my first competition…
seriously never thought I would ever be typing this, not in a million years but here I am!!!
I gotta say, this week was hard as hell. I felt depressed, bloated, and mentally drained but I kept pushing and I never gave up. I’m human, even if i wasn’t dieting I probably would have had a week like that. This brings me to my next point, mental health and how important it is!
As i mentioned in my video Q&A, i’m taking medications for ADHD, OCD & anxiety. Dealing with mental illness is no walk in the park, believe me. But with the help of my medications It allows me to function semi normal. Having mental illness does not define who I am, it is simply just apart of my life. I’m currently taking concerta 54mg for adhd, and paxil 20mg for OCD & anxiety. I only started paxil a few months ago, and it was super rough for the first few weeks but now it works wonders.
Yes, the medications help but the gym also plays HUGE part in controlling my mental illness. I always say the gym saved my life, and in a way it did. I was in a really dark place before I started working out, i dealt with self harm and suicidal tendencies (I say tendencies because although there were no suicide attempts, there were far too many close calls). The gym is my escape from my intrusive thoughts that are brought upon by the OCD, it shuts off my racing mind for a few hours so i forget about the ADHD. When I put my headphones on and start cardio all the stress i’m feeling from the anxiety slowly fades away. Each day I move forward I can feel myself feeling physically and mentally stronger.
The gym saved my life, I will say this over and over again. I want to be here, I want to be living. I will no longer punish myself by cutting my skin because my body is a fucking temple. I am strong, smart, and confident. Not a day goes by that I don’t look at the scars on my body, whether they are cuts, stretch marks, or imperfections… they are the broken road that led me to where I am today and I could not be more proud of how far i’ve come.
The next 12 weeks are going to be my bitch and i’m going to destroy them. No matter what happens on competition day, I will know that I have the heart and determination to belong on that stage. Here’s to kicking ass mentally and physically!!!!!