I’ve had this done for over four hours, but my internet was being a piece of shit.
Natsu’s eyes slip shut, and he sighs as fingers dance across
his skin, over his arms and chest, never staying in one place for too long. It’s
a phantom touch, and he isn’t sure it’s really there. He could just be
dreaming, but he wants to believe this is something real. It feels real. Her
hands on his skin feel real. The tips of her fingers trail down his bare
stomach, dipping dangerously close to his hips before sliding back up once
again. She’s teasing him, he knows. She always does. His lips twitch. Sometimes
he wonders if she just likes to watch him squirm a little.
He wouldn’t put it past her. He’s known her for years and it
seems like something she would do.
Above him, Lucy giggles, pulling away from him entirely.
Natsu is about to protest, but gasps when the flat of her
palm settles over his heavily beating heart, her other trailing along his neck
and sending shivers through his body. He doesn’t have to open his eyes to know
that she’s smiling. She’s always smiling. She always sees something bright and
good in the world—she’s
always happy and so, so alive. She
makes him feel alive.
He doesn’t know how he managed to hold himself together for
so long before he met her. And he doesn’t know if he even knew himself before
she knew him, flaws and all. Sometimes he can’t believe that he ever lived or
breathed without her. That’s how far she’s integrated herself into his life. He
doesn’t know what he would do without her around.
Something touches his neck, cool and light against his skin,
and he shudders, lips twitching as he hears laughter. He says nothing though,
he doesn’t want to break the quiet. It’s too peaceful, and he’s afraid if he
says anything, everything will shatter and be lost forever. And that’s not
something he wants. He likes this—the
quiet, them together, Lucy.
God, he loves Lucy. She’s the best thing that’s ever
happened to him. He doesn’t know how he found her or why she stumbled into his
life, but he’s glad she did. He’s glad he found her.
Soft lips press to his jaw, just barely skimming his skin.
Natsu smiles, his hands slipping up her back under her shirt, fingers tickling
her skin. She laughs lightly, lips trailing across his chin, so light he can
barely feel them, and her hands move up to cup his face as he pulls her down to
him with a hand on her hip.
“Lucy,” he murmurs. “I love you.” She doesn’t respond like
she usually does. She doesn’t say anything.
Lucy’s nose bumps against his playfully, and he tilts his
head to press his mouth to hers. Her hand slides into his hair, her mouth
opening to deepen the kiss. A cold hand still rests over his heart, and his own
palm settles over hers, tears gathering in his eyes. He pulls away from her.
Natsu’s eyes slip open,
but he doesn’t look at her—not
“I’m dreaming,” he whispers, blinking back tears. His gaze
slides to her, and a lump grows in his throat when he sees the sorrow in her
Lucy nods sadly. “Yes,” she tells her, the back of her hand
brushing his cheek affectionately. “But it is a good dream.” She gives him a
sad smile, tears in her own eyes. He nods with her, kissing her fingertips
gently. It is a good dream.
“You’re dead, aren’t you.” It’s not a question. He knows
it’s true. This isn’t real, but God,
he wants it to be. He would give anything to have her back.
He laughs, a sob sticking in his throat as the first tears
begin to fall. “I don’t want to wake up,” he tells her. “Lucy, I don’t want to
wake up.” His grip on her tightens and he yanks her down to him, burying his
face in her hair.
Something wet drips onto his chest and he knows she’s crying
too, even if she isn’t really here. “I know,” she replies softly, placing her
lips over his heart in a chaste kiss. “But you can’t stay here,” she tells him.
“You still have things to do. You have a life to live.” It’s a gentle reminder,
but it stings. He’s alive, but she isn’t. “We can only decide what to do with
the time that is given to us.” She pulls back and he blinks up at her
tearfully. Lucy smiles at him, catching his face in her palms and brushing his
tears away with her thumbs. “And I’m so proud of you,” she says, tears sliding
down her own skin. “Natsu, I love you so much. I always will.” She kisses him
quickly. “You’re going to be happy and you’re going to do amazing things.” He
shakes his head, but she doesn’t stop. “You’re going to find someone to love
forever.” His hands tighten on her hips. “You’re going to be a great man.”
“I don’t want to be great,” he says thickly, his heart stuck
in his throat. “I just want you.”
The tears are coming faster now, and he doesn’t think
they’ll ever stop. Lucy just smiles at him. “And I you,” she breathes against
him, catching one of his hands in hers, bringing his hand to her lips and
kissing his knuckles. “But you need to wake up now.”
Natsu shakes his head rapidly, terror in his eyes. “Lucy,
no,” he begs, voice cracking. “Please, no.” Her smiles falters, but only for a
second. The sadness never leaves her eyes though. “Don’t go,” he sobs, hands
grasping her desperately. His heart breaks all over again, just like it has
everyday since he lost her forever.
“I love you.”
It’s not fair. It’s not fair that he lost her while that
bastard walked away like nothing happened.
He shakes his head. “I don’t want to wake up,” he rasps, his
head falling to the side, gaze sliding away from her. “I don’t want to wake
He does anyway.
Natsu wakes up with a cry stuck in his throat, tears
staining his face. The first thing he sees is the ceiling, but he slams his
eyes shut again just as quickly. He blindly gropes the other side of the bed,
sobbing when he realizes it’s still empty. Lucy isn’t there.
And she isn’t coming back.
She’s gone. Forever. He can’t get her back. The only place
he’s ever going to see her is in his dreams.
His hands clench as he bares his teeth in a snarl. It’s so
unfair. She was ripped away from him so suddenly—it’s cruel. She didn’t deserve to die—not the way she did.
They had been walking home after a date and there was an
accident. He doesn’t remember much, just that they were hit by someone. Lucy
shoved him out of the way at the last second, and the driver sped away. He held
her in his arms, screaming for someone to help them. And there was chaos.
People were screaming and someone was standing over him asking if he was alright—and dammit, he wasn’t alright!
Lucy was bleeding in his arms, her limps mangled and purple
and black bruises already forming on her skin. And he was probably crying, he
doesn’t remember. He was screaming and begging her to wake up, but her eyes
just wouldn’t open. He could hear sirens in the distance, but it was like he
was underwater, everything was muffled and nothing was making sense. His eyes
were blurry and he was groping her neck for a pulse, but his hand was shaking
too hard to feel anything. It was like he had gone numb.
And then she stopped breathing.
Another sob escapes him as he rolls to his side, curling in
It’s unfair. It’s so, incredibly unfair that he lost her—that she died. She’s always been this little light in his life, guiding him
when he needs her, but now she’s gone, snuffed out like a candle. It’s like
he’s lost in the dark with nowhere to go, and he’s just stumbling because he
can’t see anymore.
She’s just gone. He knows she’s never coming back. He’s only
going to see her when he closes his eyes and that kills him. His heart breaks
all over again every time he wakes up and remembers she’s not here. She’s not going to be here. Not ever again.
He wishes he could just stop waking up.
Hot tears slide over his skin, but he hardly notices
anymore. It’s like this every night. He should be used to this—but he’s not. He’s loved her for years. She’s been a constant part of his
life for years. Yet, now he has to
spend an entire lifetime without her.
Sometimes he wishes he died too. It would be easier than
living like this. He knows Lucy would hate him for thinking it, but it’s true.
They were so happy. So, so happy. But
that’s gone now. She’s gone forever, and he can only hope it’s too a better
He’s never been a religious man, but for Lucy he wants
something good, a place where he can meet her again some day. He wants more
than just a cold, bloody ending on a street in December, but it’s been winter
since she died. He just feels so cold all the time.
He wants spring.
He wants Lucy.
Natsu releases a shaky breath, eyes squeezing shut tightly.
He reaches for the bedside table blindly, catching a pill bottle in his palm.
Sitting up on his elbow, he shakes two into his shaking hand, downing them
without a second thought. He blinks at the bottle, gritting his teeth.
He doesn’t need them anymore, but he takes them anyway. When
he does, he sees her. And she would hate him for taking these pills. She would
hate him for being a damn addict because he can’t do this without her. He can’t do any of this without her.
With a frustrated scream he throws the bottle across the
room. It hits the wall hard, pills scattering all over the floor. He ignores
it, falling onto his back. He’ll have to clean it up when he wakes up again,
but he doesn’t want to think about it right now. He just wants to sleep.
He wants to see Lucy.
And he does.
Suddenly he’s in that white room again, Lucy standing in
front of him wearing that short, red dress she only wears during the spring.
The fabric swirls around her knees, billowing around her, but there’s no wind.
She smiles when she sees him, her eyes lighting up with happiness.
She reaches for his hand, lacing their fingers together.
Natsu smiles down at her, leaning his forehead against hers as he runs his
fingers along her jaw, lips touching hers briefly.
“Lucy,” he breathes against her. She pulls back, giving his
hand a squeeze and tilting her head to the right.
“You’re late,” she teases. “It took you awhile to come
back.” He laughs, heart lighter than it has been for months.
“I know. I’m sorry,” he apologizes. “Can you forgive me?”
Her free hand rises to her cheek, her fingers brushing his
skin lightly. “Of course.” He smiles, leaning down and kissing her again,
slowly this time. Her lips move against his softly, lingering against his as he
tilts his head, pressing closer to her as he slides an arm around her back. Her
arm slides around his neck and he releases her, nose nuzzling hers before he
kisses her temple, mouth against her skin.
“I love you,” he tells her, closing his eyes. “I love you so
She smiles against his chin, placing soft butterfly kisses
along his chin and jaw. “I love you too.”
Natsu tucks her under his chin. “I don’t want to wake up.”
And he doesn’t.