*addams family

  • Wednesday: Mother, I said that is was vital that we create a wholesome atmosphere for Lucas, and you said, "I understand".
  • Morticia: Wednesday, there's something you should know about me. When I say "I understand", it doesn't mean I agree. It doesn't mean I understand. It doesn't even mean I'm listening to you.
If Harry had gotten a less conventional, but more loving adoptive family...

Dear Minerva,

Thank you so much for your kind letter of the 17th. It is always a pleasure to hear from you. I do appreciate your waiving the rules about familiars to allow Wednesday to bring little Homer - she dotes on that spider, and I don’t think she could consider Hogwarts home without his company.

We were delighted but completely unsurprised by the children’s Sorting. Of course Wednesday is a Ravenclaw - she has always had a brilliant mind, and it is rather traditional for the women in our family. Slytherin might have been a possibility, with her cleverness and ambition, but sadly (and quietly, between friends) I must admit the wrong sort have rather taken over that House at the moment. Death Eaters are so vulgar. Gomez, naturally, is over the moon about our little Harry being a fellow Gryffindor - the world does need more dashing, brave, and reckless men. They make life so interesting for the rest of us, don’t you agree? And I am certain he will be safe under your care, after his rather difficult start in life, poor child. That aunt and uncle of his are just too terribly common to protect him adequately - I am grateful Albus saw sense and left him with us rather than her.

I appreciate your bringing to my attention the small difficulty between Harry and Draco - I shall have a word with Narcissa. (Lucius is still being terribly silly about that little peacock incident, and refuses to speak to Gomez at all. Men can be so ridiculously proud. And they really did look so much better in black.) Really, though, Harry was only defending his friend. I probably should warn you that Wednesday writes that she is teaching young Longbottom a few of her more subtle defenses - I sincerely doubt Draco will trouble him in future if he uses those. I assure you, none of them cause permanent damage, only temporary discomfort, and she is well aware that they are only for self-defense, not mere childish aggression. Addamses do not start fights, but we do finish them, and Wednesday has always looked out for her brothers.

At least that little incident allowed you to see Harry’s flying skills in time to recruit him for the Quidditch team. I think he shall be an excellent Seeker - he was always the best at bat-spotting on summer evenings, and then there was the time he “borrowed” Gomez’s broom to rescue Pugsley’s pet octopus Aristotle, who had developed an unaccountable taste for tree-climbing, but had neglected to learn how to climb down. It was a successful rescue, even though he was mildly hampered on his descent by Aristotle clinging to his face in terror, the poor darling.

Please send my apologies to Severus for that unfortunate incident in Potions class. I should have warned him that Wednesday was experimenting with, shall we say, some variant recipes. I am quite certain, however, that Miss Parkinson’s hair will grow back normally, and that the snakes are only a temporary embellishment.

My best regards, and do drop by for tea if you ever happen to be in the neighborhood. Thing has perfected your favorite shortbread recipe - I do believe he has a little crush on you. Or perhaps it is merely that you are the only visitor we have had, outside of family, who is sensible enough to shake hands with him without flinching.

Yours truly,

Morticia Addams

Things that are technically “Addams Family” canon whether we like it or not
  • The Family owns Central Park and sometimes lives there
  • We have seen a canon!Female Pugsley
  • Pugsley’s first word was “Help”, after Wednesday threw him down a trapdoor
  • Gomez went to Law School and actually somehow passed and also doesn’t know what the fifth amendment is
  • Morticia was in an arranged marriage to some guy but Lurch accidentally caused his death via toothpick so
  • Lurch has both a mother and a father and at least one of them built him
  • Wednesday was once stalked by a cat
  • At one point the Family had to hold a seance to bring Pugsley back to their plane of existence but stopped halfway through to play Charades with Thing
  • Morticia’s Mother was the Wicked Witch of the West
  • Grandmama had a brother named Jester who liked to play pranks
  • Gomez can be hypnotized by the sound of a bugle
  • Fester somehow had a baby with the Moon
  • Pugsley once wanted a job at the bank so he tunneled into their vaults and started counting money for them
  • The Addams Family have actually met the Scooby Doo Gang; they housekept for them while Gomez and Morticia were on another honeymoon
  • Speaking of which they canonically have had at least 32 honeymoons
  • They also banged during a hurricane definitely more than once
  • Grandmama has a Drug Cart
  • Wednesday taught Lurch how to dance at least twice
  • The Addams Family have an Alligator that has changed genders at least once and though that was probably more of a continuity error than anything I don’t care I love the Genderfluid Alligator
  • Pugsley knows how to drive
  • At one point Gomez was voiced by Scrappy Doo
  • When Pugsley turns “Normal” he becomes an Underwear Intern
  • Wednesday has set fire to the Jehovah’s Witnesses and also a Camp but we all knew about that
  • Grandmama ran a Psychic Hotline
  • There’s a very good chance that Pugsley hatched out of something
  • Wednesday once had a crush on a boy so she tried to guillotine him
  • MORTICIA AND GOMEZ HAD TWO MORE CHILDREN AFTER WEDNESDAY AND PUGSLEY AND NAMED THEM WEDNESDAY II AND PUGSLEY II

EDIT: Since for some reason y’all like this post here’s a version that has sources.

EDIT: FUCKING FINE

  • Pubert