*Bourne-Legacy

So my husband keeps coming in to bug me for stuff while I’m trying to watch the Bourne Legacy.

Jokingly, I tell him, “You know, Jeremy Renner has never once asked me for clean underwear or a sandwich.”

He leans in close and replies, “Jeremy Renner has also never built shelves in your garage or given you an orgasm.”

You, sir…are half right.

The Bourne movies in a nutshell
  • The US government: ERHMAGERD BOURNE'S FREKKING ALUUURVEEE
  • Bourne: Hey, if you guys just leave me alone, I won't kill anyone.
  • The US government: ERHMAGERD EVERYONE KILL HIM
  • Bourne: Dude, I told you. If you don't kill me and leave me with my hot foreign girlfriend, I'm just gonna go retire in the tropics or something.
  • The US government: KILL HIM DEAR GOD EVERYONE KILL HIM
  • Bourne: Guys, WHY do you want to kill me so much? Just leave me be!
  • The US government: Because... because we shut the program down. So we have to kill you.
  • Bourne: But why?
  • The US government: JUST BECAUSE OKAY.
  • Bourne: You people are being ridiculous.
  • The US government: YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND
  • Bourne: This is just stupid.
  • The US government: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE BEING ME
  • Bourne: Screw this. I'm leaving.
  • The US government: OH MY GOD MY BODY IS CHANGING **gross sobbing**
Jeremy Renner

Bourne Legacy- drug reaction, fighting injuries

Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters- diabetic, needles and injections, beat up multiple times

The Avengers- mind control, beat up, restrained, falls through window, cuts and scratches, unconsciousness

House, season 4, episode Games- patient of the week, coughs up blood, collapses, breathing problems, seizure, multiple hospital scenes, surgery