(what did you do

All my kids are dumb

Context: Our DM decided to mod an adult white dragon for us to fight. Our party is level 4. We had an NPC wizard with us who was pretty useless (Nicknamed ‘dumb child #2’ because I had to lead him around by his hand and because our fighter is ‘dumb child #1’ and you’ll see why)After entering it’s lair and meeting it we were sure we’d die so, being a bard and having a crazy high charisma, I sweet talked the dragon and we all left. But just before we did…

Fighter: I want to stealth around the dragon and see if there’s anything good.
Me, the bard with common sense: *Hissing* NO YOU DON’T!
DM: The door is now shut and your fighter is locked in the room with the dragon.
Me: Fuck.
Fighter: Can I roll to stealth out of the room?
DM: I mean…the dragon is looking at the door so…
Me: If that’s the case, knowing how dumb he is and knowing he’s still in there potentially being BBQed, I’m going to open it slightly and inspire him with a song to help him escape.
DM: Okay, what song did you want to sing?
Me: F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you fucked up, N is for no one will recognize your cooooorpse when the dragon burns your ass up!
Table: *Loses it*
Fighter: *Rolls* Okay, did I make it?
DM: Despite the rousing song, the dragon is still staring at the door. So no.

Long story short, we killed the dragon with me providing support and healing and our paladin basically demolishing the dragon with the help of our fighter, ranger and Druid. It. Was. Epic.

At the next game, I’m going to stipulate that the fighter must hold my hand whenever we go into dangerous situations from now on.

Sugar, I’m Goin’ Down// Bad Boy Shawn // Chapter Six

Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Chapter Five

Chapter Five Recap:

Shawn sighs. He’s frustrated. “I’m sorry for everything that happened. I am. I can’t take it back, I can’t change it. I know this, but I can try to make amends and like I said I don’t want your forgiveness. I want another chance, no jokes, no Andrew, no one but you and me.”

You look up at Shawn and he’s got tears in his eyes. Something inside you breaks, seeing him like this, so vulnerable. “Shawn…” you sit up and he clenches his jaw and looks toward the window, eyes trained on nothing in particular. “Shawn, I’m sorry.” you don’t know why you’re apologizing, you hadn’t done anything wrong, it just felt like you had to apologize. Shawn’s nose scrunches up and his cheeks flush as he starts to cry. It’s heart wrenching, watching this guy who you’ve known to be nothing but a snarky sarcastic ‘bad boy’ fall apart right in front of you.

“Fucking shit,” he mutters and wipes at his face. “I shouldn’t have come over,” he says and heads for the door before you can say anything else.

Shawn shows up three days later in the middle of the night. You hadn’t heard from him since the morning you skipped class. You took it upon yourself to make copies of your notes and homework for him in case he needed it. After he left you had thought about everything he said. He clearly had feelings for you, feelings you didn’t know were so strong and you realized you had feelings for him too. It hurt, deep in your chest, when he had started crying. The way his nose scrunched up and he looked away, it destroyed you. Seeing him like that made you put aside the panty prank and want to hold him and protect him. He was turning out to be less of a bad boy and more of a boy in a bad situation.

So there he was, standing on your front porch and staring at you when you opened the door. You had been awake studying for a test and hadn’t realized the time until you heard the doorbell ring. Shawn looked pretty terrible even in the dim light. He looked like a man who hadn’t eaten or slept in a few days.

“I forgot to give these back,” he says, voice rough, strained. He holds out the panties he had taken from you for the prank.

Keep reading

I OVER COMMUNICATE AND FEEL TOO MUCH I JUST COMPLICATE IT WHEN I SAY TOO MUCH I LAUGH ABOUT IT, DREAM ABOUT THAT CASUAL TOUCH SEX FIRE SICK AND TIRED OF ACTING ALL TOUGH I’M HOOKED ON ALL THESE FEELINGS I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I’M FEELIN THIS LOVE ASYLUM LIKE AN ISLAND JUST ME AND YOU YOU SPENT THE NIGHT YOU GOT ME HIGH OH WHAT DID YOU DO I’M HOOKED ON ALL THESE FEELINNNNGGGGSGSSSS

anonymous asked:

Ok I know you're busy but please please please write whatever pairing you want for the post of the person who is advertising their services as being a terrible date to your family Thanksgiving dinner. No rush. Whenever you want. IF you want. Your life things absolutely come first

This has now been posted to AO3 here!

-Refers to this post  (text is there, but I changed to better match the situation/add in a joke or two)

A/N: This is set before the sort of reconciliation we get between Eliza and Alex (for reasons, even though other things have already happened that canonically take place post-reconciliation and really the timeline is all sorts of fucked but I’m beyond sleep-deprived), and since I’m writing from Alex’s POV, their relationship will sound pretty shitty, though it’s not the focus here. Also, this is pure crack–probably fairly terrible crack. In case anyone worried it would be serious….

Chapter Text

Knitting her eyebrows together in confusion, Alex reread at the vague subject line in her inbox: “Saw this, thought of you.” Knowing it was from Lucy already had her on high alert—the last time she’d unthinkingly opened a link from one of her emails at work, she’d ended up with the video for “Dick in a Box” playing at full volume to the surprise (and amusement) of her DEO recruits. But, since she was at home and more than a little curious, she clicked on the link, finding herself on a Craigslist ad that read:

“It’s Thanksgiving. Want to skip that long, insulting conversation about how youre still single? About how your parents really want more grand children? Well, look no further!

I am a 29 year old ex-con (long story, don’t worry, I’m plenty friendly!) with no family to worry about and a dirty pickup truck one year younger than me painted with some Scissor Sisters album cover artwork (there when I got it, but I like it too much to change it). I can play anywhere between the ages of 25 and 35 depending on hair and makeup. I’m a bartender and work late nights. If you’d like to have me as your strictly platonic date for Thanksgiving, but have me pretend to be in a very long or serious relationship with you, to torment your family, I’m game.

I can do these things, at your request:
• Openly hit on other female guests while you act like you don’t notice
• Start instigative discussions about politics and/or religion (I prefer to play the flaming liberal atheist, but can adapt depending on how promising the dessert selection will be and how much it would piss off your shitty family)
• Propose to you in front of everyone (I’ve got a cheap ring and all)
• Pretend to be really drunk as the evening goes on (sorry, I don’t really drink much anymore, but I used to. A lot. too much in fact… I know the drill)
• Start an actual, physical fight with a family member, either inside or on the front lawn for all the neighbors to see (I require advance warning if I’m not to harm them in any real way or leave marks)

I require no pay but the free meal I will receive as a guest!”

Scowling, Alex switched over to email and sent back: “What the hell, Lane?”

Mere seconds later a reply came back in: “Morning to you too, Alex! You said you didn’t want to deal with your mom and your sister’s shitty boyfriend alone again so… voila! A solution—and it’s free.”

“I’m not going to hire an escort service,” Alex shot back.

“She says ‘strictly platonic,’ so it’s really not an escort service. And you’re not paying her, just feeding her. C’mon, think of all the joy those stories could bring to me, your dear friend, your oldest friend.”

“You arrested me for treason.”

“Hey look! Something you two have in common. You could totally bond about being ex-cons together.”

“Fuck off.”

“Do it!”

“No.”

Keep reading

there were a lot of references in the new video, did you catch them all? let’s take a look.

1. nils sjoberg

remember that time she wrote a song with calvin harris but used a different name? this is that name, on one of the gravestones. after releasing that she had actually written the summer hit “this is what you came for,” calvin harris, among others, threw a fit on twitter - even though it had been agreed that if calvin and taylor broke up, she could express that she had written the song.

2. the out of the woods dress

this blue dress probably looks familiar! it’s the same one she wore in the out of the woods music video, the last music video of the 1989 era. this poses the same frantic question, are we out of the woods yet? as this grave-digging taylor suggests, not yet.

3. here lies 2014 met gala taylor

at first glance, it just looks like the taylor from before laying there, but after pausing it and going back, one realizes that isn’t zombie taylor, rather 2014 met gala taylor. 2014 would have been the start of the 1989 era, and the out of the woods video was the end of it, thus: by the end of 1989 era, she was ready to “bury” it.

4. the dollar bill

if you look just next to taylor’s shoulder, you can see a good ole george washington. one single dollar bill. is this a reference to taylor’s sexual assault trial recently, and the one dollar she won then? most likely, because if you go to other shots of her in the tub that aren’t directly above her, the dollar bill isn’t there, meaning it was edited in later, which would explain how it got there so late in the game. it stands for the simple victories everyone else gets to celebrate, while she does the same things and gets flack for it.

5. et tu brute

a famous line from shakespeare’s julius caeser, “et tu, brute” means “and you, brute?” right as marcus brutus lands the fatal blow in julius caeser’s, his once-friend’s back. this is a metaphor for all the people that taylor thought she could trust, before they turned around and trashed her name.

6. the tea

probably pretty simple to grasp - the tea is hot. alternatively, she, the snake in the video, gets to serve the tea this time around, or, she gets to lay down her side of the story.

7. car crash + paparazzi

did you see what happened here, at face value? taylor was in an expensive vehicle that got in a head-on crash, but everyone just stood back and took pictures, instead of rushing over to help. is this a reference to all the times that everyone stood back, took pictures, and laughed at her when she was beaten down? yes.

8. the grammy

the grammy blends in with the gold of the car and her outfit, so it’s pretty easy to miss, but there it is, in her hand, even though the car crashed. perhaps the future is being predicted?

9. the birdcage + leg tattoo

look closely at taylor’s leg, and you can see what looks to be a snake tattooed there. not to mention, here she is entertaining in a birdcage, which is guarded. she’s trying to have fun in this prison, biting her tongue, being the girl everyone wants, but she longs to be let free.

10. robbing a bank/stream co., blind for love

besides getting major harley quinn vibes, what else do we notice here? taylor swift robbing a vault, which says “stream company.” remember that time that taylor wrote an open letter to apple music and called her money hungry, even though she was taking her music off to benefit poorer artists? yes, we do. this is what she’s referencing here. also, her shirt says “blind for love” which makes sense, because she frequently refers to herself as a hopeless romantic, someone who opens theirselves up for love, even if it means getting hurt.

11. the squad

without explaining anything else, this scene can be described as a crowd of blank faced people, staring at taylor swift, who stands upon a stage looking menacing, and impressing one message upon the crowd: u, squad. it’s reminiscent of all the times people said taylor swift was over, because her friends, fans, or sales were fake or temporary. this is like a visual representation of the comments people made about taylor forcing people to do things for her to create the image she desired.

12. fake friends

and here we have the mannequins of the girls from the prior scene, chopped up. this one is pretty straight forward, these “friends” that taylor thought she had sometimes turned out to be more fickle and “fake” than she thought. also, can we talk about how taylor’s red boots are reminiscent of kinky boots? because yes.

13. the dancers, i heart ts

before taylor enters the room, the dancers are goofing around, but the second she comes in, the jump to attention, and rip off their jackets to reveal shirts that say “i heart ts.” it’s a throwback to when tom hiddleston wore a shirt with the same message on the fourth of july in 2016, and everyone said that she had forced him to wear it. it’s the same thing as before with the squad - the world decided that she had forced all these people to love her, not that they actually did.

14. the fight for glory

every time you pause this video, you come across a different taylor. squirrel pajamas wanegbt taylor, 2015 bbma’s taylor, 2014 acm’s taylor, wanegbt red tour taylor, 2016 new years rockin’ eve taylor, sparkly guitar fearless tour taylor, bleachella taylor, ballerina shake it off taylor, 2016 vma’s taylor… the list goes on and on. here, you can see them all fighting and clawing, trying to stand on top. it reminds me of “i don’t like your kingdom keys, they once belonged to me,” and the parallels between long live and new romantics in that line alone. all those times, she thought she’d made it to a point in her career where she could be respected as much as other artists in her tier, only to harshly realize she was going to get her name ran through the mud for doing the same thing as everyone else. the fight for glory is steep, and unfair.

15. junior jewels

looks familiar right? not quite! it is the same theme of the shirt, but look closely at the signatures - they’re signatures of actual people this time around. names like ed, selena, este, lena, blake, and ryan, among others, can be seen on her shirt, representing the true friends that stuck with her through her reputation being bashed.

16. “SHUT UP!”

here, all the different versions of taylor are repeating things that the media or other celebrities had said about her, until finally 2009 vma’s taylor repeated the same thing that 2017 taylor said in an instagram post - “i’d very much like to be excluded from this narrative.” the entire time, you can hear camera shutters going off and people chatting, presumably the rest of the world watching as she got torn apart. when vma’s taylor makes this final statement, all the other taylor’s, as well as what sounds to be an entire off-screen crowd, yell “SHUT UP” before the screen goes black. this is a powerful image, and it’s supposed to be. all the times she suffered, and people told her that she was overreacting, faking it, or doing it for publicity. if you feel remorse for seeing young taylor getting yelled at, or sorrow for the taylors falling when she said “because she’s dead,” you’re doing it right. 

nothing in this video was an accident.

if you’re angry at taylor for this video exposing things you said about her, or you’re repeating any of the words the versions of herself said at the end, you’re proving her point. her reputation was destroyed because people made a sport of making fun of her. and now, as taylor said, there will be no explanation, just reputation. 

remember after the trial when taylor literally said that she recognizes how privileged she is and how she wants to help those who are less privileged and everyone just,, ignored it?