(this-was-supposed-to-be-longer-but-my-head-hurts-so)

You’re never coming back.
Do you know how painful it is to have to live with that thought running through my head?
No, you don’t because you’re no longer here.
So fuck you for leaving me on this godforsaken planet.
Fuck you for leaving me when I needed you.
Fuck you for doing this to me.
You have no fucking idea how much your suicide affected me.
Hell, no one has any clue as to how much it hurt me.
I’m here, I’m alive and you’re buried 6ft underground where you don’t fucking belong.
You’re supposed to be here with me.
We’re supposed to go on road trips together and listen to shitty music and fucking sing along and tell each other everything and watch some shitty fucking shows together.
I need you here so we can skype and you can tell me how stupid I am and remind me that you’re here.
I need you to fucking be alive for me and you fucking can’t be.
You left me here alone and I fucking hate it.
I hate myself because I couldn’t help you.
I hate that I couldn’t fucking say anything to make you feel any better.
Fuck you for leaving me here.

I have decided that I’ve had enough and that I am no longer going to let somebody else take control over my feelings and leaving me feeling helpless. Honestly I’m quite ashamed at myself because I didn’t use to be like this at all and I used to set many standards so that I don’t end up getting hurt and disappointed but somehow everything just slipped and I forgot everything and I suppose my mind lost all its willpower and just forgot to reset itself.

I have been annoyed at my own behavior over the past couple of weeks because I have been obsessive and always burying my head in my phone and I hate it, I really hate being that kind of person. So today I will stop.

I am not going to let someone else be the reason for my happiness any more, and instead I am going to work on myself because I have issues with myself that I have to clear up and maybe I am just not ready for a relationship yet.

It also helps when I think about all the people who care about me because it makes me think hey maybe I shouldn’t be acting like such a shithead wallowing in self-pity everyday because there are people out there who actually genuinely care about me and I shouldn’t disappoint them!!

I am going to focus on bigger and better things that are yet to come. Every day there are new opportunities and it is up to me if I want to take and participate in them and make the most out of my time here and explore as much as I can.

I have a secret goal in my head which is that I want to achieve HDs for all my units this semester. It sounds quite improbable to me now but I will still strive for it because university is one thing that is actually 100% up to me and in my control. Surprisingly I have been doing well in all my assessments so far (!!!) which is still new for me because before this I never enjoyed what I was studying and I think that was way I never got spectacular grades. I am really glad that I made the choice to switch to study Business instead of Science, I think this was one of the best decisions that I have ever made.

Almost every morning I wake up, it’s really cold and I still can’t believe how different things are. I look outside my window and I’m greeted by a beautiful mountain and sky and I feel very blessed.

I’ve also started picking up habits like making my bed, drinking my favorite coffee for breakfast, listening to music when I get ready, making a conscious effort to socialize with more people, taking the extra time to do my makeup properly and dress nicely when I’m feeling shabby and emotionally down. I never used to do these things back home and they really do uplift my mood.

Going to keep myself motivated and surrounded in good vibes.

i basically think im dying because yesterday i felt very weird like light headed and this weird feeling in my stomach and i couldnt really focus and i guess it felt a little like i was dissociating and a little like i was about to be sick without the nausea and then i stayed up until three pissing off everyone ever on facebook trying to get people to actually come to my conference and i thought i pinched a nerve in my hip because it honestly hurt to move and it was a sharp shooting pain and i honestly couldve gone to bed way sooner had i not had all these things i thought i needed to get done last night because we were supposed to be painting the hartwick wall today but some stupid bitches are taking two days to paint the damn wall just so their stuff stays up longer and theres nothing we can do about it and i woke up for this but at least now i can go back to sleep but my allergies are bad and my head hurts and i just need to not get sick until after the conference im so damn run down but yea now all i need to do today is nap, shower, do my hair, clean the apartment, find my id, do my homework, go waste my time in that one class, cook rice for the reception, go buy wine and check up on our name tags.

Overview of My Concussion

I’ve decided I’d like to write down my thoughts and observations concerning my recent injury. I suppose it’s best to start from the beginning…

It happened about two months ago, on a Friday afternoon. Though it didn’t occur in the office, it was a work related injury. The trunk of a van slammed on my head. I didn’t pass out, but I was dazed for a moment or two. And then I continued working for a little bit longer before I was done for the day. Yes, my head hurt, but I did just get hit, so I didn’t think much of it. But the pain got worse over the weekend. When I finally went to see a doctor, I was diagnosed with a concussion.

The problem was/is that I’m an intern, so I don’t receive any work benefits. Every doctor’s appointment has gone through my own private insurance. All of my time off has been without pay. I filled out a worker’s comp form through the state, but am still waiting to hear back even after several weeks. I also contacted a lawyer’s office, but they had said it was too early to do anything because I wouldn’t yet know the full scope of my losses (I called about a month after my injury, and had still not yet returned to work).

I’m working half days now. My bosses have been good about letting me take it easy and build up my strength, at least. I’m supposed to discuss increasing my hours a bit more soon (still not full days, though). It’s a good thing I have some savings, or else I’d be in even worse trouble. But I’ll talk more about work on another post…

As far as symptoms go, I’m not so bad off. My head hurts in varying degrees and exact locations. Now, it seems the pain has also traveled downward to my neck and sometimes my back. I also get tired. Too much activity wears me out, so I’m forced to pick and choose my social itinerary. Before my concussion, I already suffered from anxiety attacks, but they were usually few and far between. Now, it seems like I get them almost every day when I’m at work. Neurological tests all came back normal, so I guess that’s something about which to be grateful.

I suppose that explains where I am now and how I got here. More posts will come soon.