(i took the time to type this all out for you)

boi

The mattress is arriving today, and my shelf thingy is also here so I can put it together and start unpacking stuff…if the cats stop climbing all over it ;u; One is sitting on my lap as I type this and she keeps headbutting me. So in the next few days, I should have everything unpacked! Yay!

I also got a call about a job like right as soon as I got out of the shower this morning because they were calling out about applications to ask some questions (I literally just applied last night so good on pet supplies plus for being on top of things), so I literally took this phone call….about a job….while completely naked. I was trying not to laugh like the whole time, but so far things sound good and hopefully they’ll call me back about an interview!

Job = cosplay money & travel money & college money 

So if this works out, I’ll be back writing sooner than planned. Love you guys!

UPDATED TRUMP DOCTOR LETTER

To Whom It May Concern:

A lot of people have expressed a desire for an update on President Donald J. Trump’s health since his inauguration. I have been the personal physician of President Donald J. Trump since 1980 and I am here to say that Mr. Trump’s health is absolutely better than ever.

Since being sworn in, Donald Trump has lost 50 pounds and gained 17 inches of height. He’s the longest president who has ever lived. His livers are both functioning flawlessly. His blood sets an all-time record for the state of New York for “most” and his blood pressure was rated “excellent” by seven different Fox News Twitter polls. He doesn’t even have one cholesterol.

I can say this unequivocally: Donald Trump has the most bones. Scientists estimate that he now has around 900 bones in his body and more are being discovered every day. Some of those bones have never been seen before. They allow him to be really good at presidential things like signing executive orders and making love nightly to his wife who wants him to.

Mr. Trump’s test results have been astonishingly excellent. He actually has a blood type we’ve never seen before: “All.” It’s both the universal donor and universal recipient, and sprinkling it on your penis makes your penis bigger. Mr. Trump’s blood is gorgeous. It has a rich color that’s hard to describe, but if I had to put it into words, I might call it “red.”

President Donald Trump has no family history of cancer, diabetes, or death. The president’s family members are immortal beings that walk the earth without end, craving the sweet release of death that will never come unless they make a deal with a cool witch. Donald Trump will never die, he will just keep growing vertically forever until he lives in space. It’s really astonishing.

His physical strength is extraordinary. He can lift as much as a mother whose child is trapped under a car, but he’s more attractive than that mother and he hasn’t let himself go like she has. Have you seen the way she dresses lately? The hypothetical mother in this simile is a total chunk. 4 at best. As the famous doctor Hippocrates once said, “Would not hit.”

Since the Inauguration, Mr. Trump has kept an extremely active lifestyle. He starts every morning by walking straight up into the sky and then walking down again. He also visits me regularly for checkups. Mr. Trump doesn’t let me touch him because of gay, so I just eyeball it and give him a once over. I can usually tell just by looking how much blood is in him that day or which liver has taken the lead, so it’s not a super intensive process.

Mr. Trump is not only the healthiest president that has ever served, but also the most handsome. I usually want to kiss President Trump when I see him, but I would never break the doctor-patient trust, so instead I kiss the portrait of him I drew on my little note pad. There have been no presidents that even come close to President Trump in terms of overall health and hotness. Franklin Pierce was pretty hot, but his body wasn’t great. James Garfield was more cute than hot. President Trump is the total package. I know this because of my stethoscope.

Just to give a little more background on me, I’ve been a doctor for years. I got into medicine the same way a lot of doctors do: I once took an unmarked pill that I found under a toilet in a public restroom, and the next thing I knew, I was blacked out doing surgery on a man on a Benihana table with the big knives they got over there. I flipped this guy’s appendix right into my hat. And that’s when I caught the bug, for surgery and for tetanus!

Now, I want to address some of the slanderous things that have been said about me. It’s just like these coastal elites to say I’m not qualified as a physician. They think you need fancy things, like a diploma from Harvard Med School or a diploma from a med school or a GED or a car or medicine or clean hands. You don’t need those to be a doctor! All you need is the right attitude and a good sense of humor and to be Jewish and a blank death certificate just in case!

This is America. We’re not “fancy” here. You’re supposed to be able to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and put a bunch of clamps in a guy and see what tubes you can clamp up without making him sleep forever. My grandfather was a blue-collar worker, and so was my father. I am a red-collar worker because my collar is always covered in spurting blood. I may not know art or science or what a “lung” is, but I do know that I love America and am a lung-doctor!

Because of my love of America and Donald Trump, it is an honor to be his physician. Donald Trump could teach us all a thing or two about health. Not only is he the healthiest human ever, but also the healthiest dog, house and Faberge Egg. I wish him luck as he continues on his endless journey.

Love,

“Doctor” Harold N. Bornstein, M.D. (Mostly Doctor)

fake dating! zimbits

It was only by a stroke of luck that Jack happened to look at his phone just as he exits the lecture hall. The group chat was blowing up – the group chat was always blowing up these days – but the lack of all-caps or exclamation marks caught his attention right away.

Eric Bittle: Guys, I wouldn’t ask this of y’all if I really didn’t need this, but I have to ask a HUGE favor of one of you.

Shitty Knight: brah are you dying

Justin Oluransi: You can have my kidney, Bits.

Adam Birkholtz: u aren’t gonna save that for me just in CASE, JUSTIN?

Larissa Duan: shit, bitty, r u ok

Eric Bittle: Um, yeah, mostly, I just…..need someone to pretend to be my boyfriend.

Keep reading

ask and you shall receive | one (m)

[credit.] 

pairing: jung hoseok x reader, sugar daddy! hoseok
genre/warnings: smut, lots of oral, slow burn, dirty talk, dom! hoseok
words: 13,865
summary: your sugar daddy says you don’t have to sleep with him if you don’t want to…trouble is, you do want to. You’re just nervous and a little inexperienced, but he catches on quick and begins to teach you the true pleasures of sex, and boy, are they good…

 a/n: in the end I had to split this into two parts rip. It was already nearly 14k with just one smut scene haha. but oh well, that means more detail for part two…

Keep reading

If your animal hurts you, take a step back and ask yourself why

This morning I am typing this with my ring finger, as my middle and thumb are pressing gauze to my index. Please excuse the typos.

I have been blessed with either docile animals and animals that love me dearly. I know I have. And when people at work ask me about hamsters in particular, I tell them I’ve been extremely lucky to never have been bitten.

This morning Bernie decided to tell me that he thinks his cage is more of an apartment and he would like a spacious house more. I knew that day would come - he is a Syrian after all, and very few cages really exist for them - but I was hoping it would take more than two days. I bought the biggest cage that could house him but he is not a fan. He has experienced life outside out of the box he was in at work and goddamn he is gonna enjoy it.

The only cages big enough are only available online where I live and take one to two months to ship. I told Bernie this, but of course being a hamster, he didn’t care. So I gave him a tissue box with a few pulled out, stuck some noms inbetween the sheets, and made a digging cave for him.

Not good enough, man. I booped his snoot, and he bit me.

So first off, hamster teeth hurt like a motherfucker.

Secondly, I wasn’t mad. I did yell out a foul word, but more out of pain than any anger at him. It’s not his fault. He just wants s bit more room AND his cool toys, not one or the other. I left to grab some gauze but I came right back, and took Bernie out, and we had ourselves an explore on my bed, which IS much larger than his cage, obviously. Bernie had a blast. He tunneled under sheets. He tunneled under pillows. He climbed Pillow Mountain. He wanted to rappel down the sides of the Bed Cliffs (Mama said no).

Bernie is now back in his cage thinking he is Hot Shit. And while out of cage time is important, it’s equally important that his actual cage be big enough so that I can work an eight or ten or twelve hour shift and come home and go right to bed, and know that he’s okay and not bored. In the meantime, I’m thinking of going to Walmart and buying one of those long bins used to store sheets and making him a maze out of cardboard. A big maze, with empty passages and passages stuffed with bedding and chambers big and stuffed with bedding to tunnel through. He’d like that. I’ll keep it once the big cage comes in, but hopefully this will tide him over while he lives in the apartment cage.

Bernie bit me to show he was frustrated. He wants to run NOW, not in two hours, not in two months. NOW.

Luna, Apollo, and Aisha, my cats, don’t bite and never have, but they do occasionally scratch. Not on purpose. They’re trying to get down or get up, they slip, or something exciting or scary happens and they need to book it. And it hurts every time.

You’re going to get hurt if you own a pet. You’re going to get bitten or scratched - by them, their equipment, etc. If they’re a bigger animal, you’re going to get body slammed from time to time. It’s okay.

I’m not saying you can’t yell FUCK when the pain hits. It’s actually scientifically proven that that helps lessen the pain. But don’t blame your pets. Look around and try to see it from their perspective. Maybe they’re tired, or something scared them. Maybe they have to pee. Maybe you’re bugging the crap out of them, or they want to play in an animal way, not in a people way. Maybe it was genuinely an accident and your body invaded the space they’d intended to put their body.

It’s okay. Talk to them calmly. Grab a bandaid or some Tylenol. Don’t yell at them. Don’t hit them. Don’t be mad at them. They’re just trying to talk to you and it’s not their fault you don’t speak hamster or bird or lizard, etc etc.

FUTURE HEARTS | PT.6 [M]

pt1 | pt2 | pt3 | pt4 | pt5 | pt6 | (6/?)

pairing: jimin x reader, jungkook x reader

genre: smut, angst / punk!jikook

word count: 17,335

note: inspired by the anime/manga “Nana” / music playlist

description: It was everything, from his tattoos, to his touches, to the way sweat rolled down his neck as he strummed into his guitar on stage; everything about him completely enthralled you. So why are you now, two and a half years later, on a train to Seoul, telling a complete stranger the recollection of how you became fated to forever have scars on all of your future hearts due to the happiness, but most of all the pain, that came along with falling in love with Jeon Jungkook.

cr.


The slight tremble in Jimin’s fingertips developed into a full-blown tremor as he closed the door to his studio, effectively leaving you behind — but it wasn’t that simple. It wasn’t that simple because he wasn’t just leaving you behind. He was leaving you behind with a guy that you were completely in love with… Which kind of blowed considering he was starting to fall for you himself.

The music from the party was reverberating inside of his chest and he knew that his ears should be ringing with anger, but instead he just felt numb. It was like he couldn’t hear anything; no music, no crowd, nothing. It was all one giant blur that didn’t seem to make sense to him, and all because his mind was screaming that nothing else mattered right now — nothing except for you.

Jimin knew very well what leaving you in that room with Jungkook meant. It meant every single feeling that the two of you had ever had for each other would inevitably rekindle, and compared to what Jimin had with you, even if he did consider it one of most amazing stints of time of his entire life, it didn’t hold a candle to what you and Jungkook had, and probably always would have.

Keep reading

Aisles [M]

Aisle Two

Summary: Jungkook was your best friend. You held onto his secrets. And he knew all of yours. Except for one. One that would change your friendship forever. You were in love with him.

Pairing: Reader x Jungkook

Genre: bestfriend!au, college!au, angst, smut

Word Count: 6,772

Originally posted by sugutie

Aisle One Aisle Two

Your apartment was like a ghost town. The emptiness echoed every time you stepped foot in the sad space. His shoes were missing by the front door. Your keys were never on the side table. There was evidence that people lived there. Ramen packets in the trash. Used coffee cups on the sink. But no one had really been around for two weeks.

Two weeks. This was the longest you had gone without speaking to Hoseok, yet alone seeing him. The fight at Yoongi’s was the worst you ever had. His sharp tongue dug wounds that even stitches couldn’t heal. He had been keeping himself occupied at Yoongi’s or the dance studio. Your heart sank into your chest anytime you came home and heard the washing machine running, only to find that the person who was wearing them was nowhere to be found.

A small part of you enjoyed the quiet. You were able to spread all your materials out on the coffee table. Bags of chips and half empty iced lattes were littered in between stacks of highlighted notes. He wasn’t there to yell at you when you fell asleep face first on your microbiology homework, the lines of the pages leaving imprints on your cheeks.

You did miss him. The two of you had been friends for years. But this time it was not your turn to say sorry. If Hoseok wanted things to go back to normal, he would have to swallow his large amount of pride and apologize.

But you had never heard Hoseok apologize in his life. 

Keep reading

Maybe Next Time (m)

[10:36 PM] Jimin: babe, i have an emergency

[10:37 PM] You: what is it??

[10:37 PM] Jimin: um, i’m really hard right now. help me out

[10:38 PM] Jimin: baby, please. i want to fuck you so hard, hear you scream for me so fucking bad

[10:39 PM] Jimin: [image0541.png]

[10:39 PM] Jimin: please? :)

Synopsis: You’re finally seeing Jimin tomorrow after months of amorous skype sex, but the night before he asks for a small favor.

Originally posted by jiminarmy

Pairing: Jimin x Reader // gaming au/long distance relationship

Genre: Smut, Humor

Word Count: 4k

Includes: skype sex, dirty talk

Trilogy: Until Next Time ↣ Maybe Next Time ↣ At Last

A/N: the last part will probably be called “finally” from how i feel abt this trilogy coming to an end HAHA. sorry this fic is really short btw qq i’ll try to bump it up for the next ^^


[11:29 PM] Jimin: is requesting a video call…

[11:30 PM] You: missed a video call from Jimin.

Three months have passed since the accidental encounter with Park Jimin, your cyber fuck buddy. You would have never guessed that a random stranger from a dumb online game would grow the slightest ounce of significance in your life; then again, perhaps you just got lucky.

[11:30 PM] Jimin: wtf are you doing, don’t you want to see my face?

[11:32 PM] You: We have thirty minutes till midnight and i want to sleep

[11:32 PM] Jimin: well i just want to see you

[11:33 PM] You: ur literally seeing me tomorrow. leave me alone omfg

It isn’t a lie that you are going to hop on a short plane ride to see him in person after viewing his face through a small screen for months. Honestly, the few months of phone sex and dirty texts lost their excitement and thrill. So, like every time before, Jimin pressed on the fact that you should see him.

And after giving the same response of “no” for a while, you finally comply and the long awaited day is less than 24 hours away.

So why the fuck is he requesting to video call as if that day is never arriving?

[11:37 PM] Jimin: please, i’m kind of horny rn :)

Keep reading

Dare | Jimin (M)


Fluff | Crack | Smut | Bff!Jimin | Policeman!Jimin

word count: 32.6k+

You and Jimin have been playing an ongoing game of dare since the fourth grade, the only thing off limits —much to his disappointment— was daring you to marry him.

A/N: i’m…. so.. ecstatic to be finished with this MONSTROSITY 


Keep reading

heartbreak chronicles {2} | M

PT 1 | PT 2 ONGOING

Contains: smut, sexting {fuckboy!jimin}

Words: 5,764

Summary: Park Jimin had it all — good grades, a place as the soccer team’s captain and, more than that, the broken hearts of at least half the campus’ population. Though, one thing he did not have was someone willing to break his heart and, after you were dragged inside a miraculous plan to play that part, the last thing counted on was the preposterous idea that, perhaps, you could fall for him as well.

[img cr]

A/N: Can you believe that I managed to come up with a quick update? Me neither.

Monotone, drowning in tedium — that was how your first Monday class begun. Somewhere deep inside your mind, you could hear your teacher going on about an empty subject, filling the air inside the classroom with disconex sentences and incomprehensible claims; your own perception far beyond the yellowed walls of that room. Perhaps, sitting on the last row was not helping your lack of focus; but, much to your personal bliss, Jennie was right next to you, taking the notes you would make sure to use later.

In all honesty, your mind was in the same location as before: the party. Equivalent to what unfolded during the weekend, the story repeated itself amidst your tired daydreams; dragging your consciousness towards the bubbling, divergent feelings inside your chest. Unlike what you first expected, the anguish and guilt of your acts did not last longer than the ride back to your dorm, instead morphing into a sense of curiosity. After all, there were so many details that you waited to be presented with — the second step, the collateral damage it would have on your friendship and, more than anything, Jimin’s reaction.

You just did not expect it would come that instant.

The cloudy preoccupations of your chaotic thoughts dissipated as a light buzz sounded below you, your phone lighting up with a new notification. With a frown, you stared down at the illuminated screen, eyes falling to the white text.

The second you read it, your heart skipped a beat.

[10:22] Jimin: we need to talk

Keep reading

Friendly Reminders

Things from THIS POST that are still relevant to us books later.

~

Throne of Glass

  • HOF was hardest to write
  • Manon’s POV is easiest to get into
  • “Definitely possible” for Fae to have more than one soul mate
  • Asterin Blackbeak is wanted for murder
  • Five year old Dorian would want 30 year old Dorian to be an “epic dragon-slayer”
  • If Sarah could bring back any character that she killed, it would be Nehemia
  • Influence for Rowan: “Rowan just walked into my head one day, and that was that”
  • SJM knows how ToG will end but “still many, many stories to be told in that world afterwards”
  • Manon likes to have her hair brushed
  • Yrene will be returning in future ToG books
  • Fleetfoot is 100% confirmed to survive the series
  • Nox will return (as of right now ) but not is QoS
  • “Nox has been off on some VERY fun adventures since TOG”
  • Ending of ToG won’t be like fiction press draft which Sarah considers to be “an entirely different book” of which “everything has been thrown out”
  • Dorian stole a berry pie from castle kitchen when he was 11, ate the whole thing and was sick for a day (random fact)
  • Dorian is 6′0, Chaol is 6′1, Celaena is 5′7-5′8, Aedion is 6′3, Rowan is around 6′4
  • Rowan would win in a fight against Legolas… “Duh”!
  • Ironteeth “witches have slits high up in their gums where the iron teeth snap down/over their normal teeth”
  • Piano is only instrument Celaena can play
  • Chaol has “the NICEST buns”
  • It was always the plan for Sam to die
  • “Sam is 1000% dead and never coming back”
  • Most important question asked (according to SJM): “who has the better bum, Chaol, Dorian or Rowan?” - SJM won’t answer except to say that Celaena definitely has an opinion on this

A Court of Thorns and Roses

  • Working on last names for Tamlin and co.
  • Potential companion novels!
  • Took 5 weeks to write first draft (”crazy fast”)
  • Rhys is favorite character to write in ACOTAR
  • Tamlin’s chest is so chiseled, “you could literally crack a nut on his chest”

TOG + ACOTAR

  • Celaena was harder to write than Feyre because “I had to rip open old wounds and dark parts of myself to write HOF”
  • Lucien and Dorian would be “bffers
  • ACOTAR cover might be favorite
  • Chaol and Tamlin would be good friends (but tense at first)
  • If Celaena and Feyre met, “they would be like two cats meeting for the first time”
  • ACOTAR men would not know what to do with Celaena, she would eat them all alive
  • Favorite villain to write = Manon’s grandmother
  • SJM’s advice to surviving SJM’s endings: “invest in tissues. and chocolate”
  • Cover color decisions are not up to SJM
  • “TOG and ACOTAR are in the same Megaverse. So you could technically open a Wyrdgate between their worlds.”

Character Personalities

  • Feyre would love Sophia Coppola films
  • Celaena would love Gone With the Wind
  • Dorian would love classics (films)
  • “Rhys wears black boxers… when he feels like wearing underwear at all.”
  • If Celaena were an animal, she would “10000%” be a velociraptor
  • Feyre’s sport is cross-country or swimming
  • Manon’s sport is ice-hockey (without pads preferable)
  • Celaena’s sport is soccer
  • Feyre’s most visited website = Pinterest
  • Celaena’s most visited website = Goodeads
  • Rhys’ theme song = “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred
  • Celaena’s unofficial theme song = “Back in Black” by AC/DC
  • TOG characters who would have tattoos (if modern day): Aedion, Celaena, Rowan, Nehemia
  • TOG characters who would not have tattoos (if modern day): Manon, Dorian, Chaol
  • Celaena is a “double-shot-espresso-hold-the-bs” type of person (not tea)

anonymous asked:

honestly, my favourite tony trope is him surviving so much bullshit that everyone starts to believe that he's actually immortal. Villains start just giving up on actually killing him, and either incapacitate him or make sure he's unavailable when they start the fight. Some of the more egotistical ones go out of their way to try. There's many conspiracy theories about him, and how it's possible that he's survived. One of his favourite pastimes is reading the more outlandish ones. (Tree)

Listen. It’s common knowledge among the villains of the world. If you’re anywhere close to being a professional Badguy, then you’ve heard the stories. You know the rumours.


Tony Stark Does Not Die. So for God’s sake, do not be stupid enough to try.


Some of the newbies, they ask. They wonder why no-one tries to shoot a fatal hit, why they never even bother to go for Iron Man. 

The older, more weary villains just roll their eyes and mutter “don’t wanna waste my firepower. Save your shots for the ones that will actually stay dead, kid,”

“That asshole crawled out of a cave with a hole in his chest and still managed to kick everyone’s ass,” someone pipes up moodily from the corner.

There’s a sudden bang as a hand slaps on the counter, and the newbie turns to see another grim-looking villain.“I once shot straight through him. Laser right through the stomach. You know what that piece of shit did?” The guy gestures to his lack of foot. “He Goddamn turned around and shot my leg off! and then he just sort of looked down and shrugged at his own fatal wound. He told me I had it worse, and that he was ‘sorry’. Who even does that?”

“I crushed him,” says another, “he just buried out the other way and then caught me a day later. It took me years to get out of prison.”

“I planted a virus in his suit while he was thousands of miles above sea, and not only did he defend it, but he traced my source and sent it back. Thousands and thousands of dollar’s worth of tech, gone,” someone shouts miserably from across the room. “He didn’t even have a fucking keyboard! Every line of code was verbal! He spoke and memorised those lines faster than I could type them, and I goddamn invented the thing!”

A bottle of… something, flies across the room. Obviously everyone is very bitter about this.

The newbie, because they’re always like this at the start; over-confident and stiflingly cocky, puffs their chest and looks them all in the eye. “you just haven’t been thinking about it hard enough. I’ll kill him. Just watch.”


Everyone descends into hysterical laughter. Someone is crying. No one in the room is Okay. 


“Whatever you say, whatever you think or plan, he’s one step ahead. Don’t, for your sake, please. Take Thor. Or Cap. Or maybe the Widow, if you’re feeling brave? But just… don’t waste your time with him. Try and keep him away, instead. That’s all we can ask for,” says someone next to her, obviously taking pity.

“He might be smart, but he’ll have no idea what’s coming when I step on the scene!” Newbie growls. “Listen-”




A few miles across, Tony Stark listens to the whole conversation via a bug he planted in the known Villain Hiding-Spot, and smiles smugly.

“Damn straight,” he mutters, before calling in the rest of the Avengers to gloat.

prejudice in fantasy lit and the use of metaphor

reallybigshadowhunterstvfan said:

what can you say about making Simon a shadowhunter, Mrs Clare? it seemed odd to me that after a whole series of battling for equality between species/races, the downworlder had to become a shadowhunter. not only he basically ceased being a minority, he also became a part of a privileged community, and it just didn’t sit well with me.

Just for the record — I’m not Mrs. Clare; there is no Mr. Clare. I am married, but my pen name is not my husband’s property. :-) 

I think this is a very interesting question that brings up a ton of issues, but there are some aspects of it I’d love to clarify — for instance, I am puzzled at calling Simon “the Downworlder.” Is he more a Downworlder than Magnus? Things like that actually are really important when discussing stories — if he were the only Downworlder in the story, that would be one discussion, but he isn’t, and therefore his story does not speak for the experience of all Downworlders or even a small fraction. 

I am sorry you were surprised negatively by Simon’s story in TMI. Simon never wanted to be a vampire — he always hated it, and unlike Raphael and Lily, he never joined the community of vampires but instead spent all his time with Shadowhunters. Being a Daylighter had already changed him from being any kind of regular Downworlder, as did bearing the Mark of Cain: both made him even less “the Downworlder” and more of an anomaly. It also separated him from the other Downworlders, who treated him with distrust. In my experience, very few readers expected Simon to remain a vampire, given that it was something he never wanted or got used to, and that it was not his dream. More on that in a bit.

As to the question, to me the suggestion that Shadowhunters are “the privileged” and Dowworlders are as a block “the marginalized” — instead of being a complicated metaphor in which they sometimes but not always stand in for people who have had their rights curtailed —  overly simplifies the situation. It is an argument seems to ignore the fact that in fact, humans exist along axes of privilege and marginalization: that people can be privileged in one way and marginalized in another and that when Simon becomes first a Downworlder and then a mundane and then a Shadowhunter, he is not moving clearly from marginalization to privilege, but rather exchanging some types of privilege for others (he remains white as a Downworlder, and is a Daylighter), and exchanging some types of marginalization for others (the marginalization of being a Downworlder for the marginalization of being a mundane-born Shadowhunter and a Jew in a world where Shadowhunters are meant to have one religion). 

Because the argument disclaims spectrums of privilege and marginalization, it also suggests that the world of the Shadowhunter Chronicles is one in which there are no gay or POC or trans people in existence; one in which there is no racism, homophobia, ableism, cis privilege, or bigotry against the neuroatypical. But that is both problematic erasure, and also not true of these books. Downworlders don’t stand in for people of color or LGBTQ+ people because people of color and LGBTQ+ people are in the books; they have not been subsumed into metaphor. (I know the showrunners said there was no homophobia in the Shadowhunter world, only warlock-phobia, but that’s the show, not the books, and it has a different world and world-building. I notice this is a question I get since the show came out, and I sometimes wonder if it’s a question of confusion between the two different universes? It’s easy for that to happen.)

Fantasy prejudice metaphors are complex and confusing and they rarely work as a one to one comparison (in other words, there is a difference between saying that this fantasy situation is reminiscent of this real world thing and saying this fantasy situation is exactly the same as this real world thing. For instance, one of the really interesting things about True Blood is that it made many deliberate parallels between “vampire rights” and GLBT+ rights — referring to vampires “coming out of the coffin” and “God Hates Fangs” on church signs. However, its vampires were also often violent predators who killed and ate people. The argument that Simon “basically ceased being a minority” (while, somehow, remaining Jewish) is similar to making an argument that True Blood was saying that gay people kill and eat their neighbors; I’m fairly sure in fact, they weren’t. They were reaching for a resonance — the echo of a real world situation that would give a layer of relatability and meaning to their points about difference. But they were not creating a literal “these things are the same” comparison or they wouldn’t have had vampires chewing off people’s heads.

So: are Downworlders discriminated against? Yes, sometimes, by Shadowhunters, who are a small specific group. Do they “stand in” for a specific minority group? No, they cannot, because they are accessible as a metaphor to any marginalized group or groups whose rights have been abridged. Also: the world at large does not discriminate against Downworlders because they do not know they exist, nor do they privilege Shadowhunters because they don’t know they exist either. It would be one thing if this was a high fantasy and Shadowhunters and Downworlders were all there was, but these books are set in our world, and the characters experience real-world bigotry, racism, homophobia etc. because of it.

Alec sighed. “Sorry to wreck your vision of our happy family. I know you want to think Dad’s fine with me being gay, but he’s not.” 

“But if you don’t tell  me when people say things like that to you, or do things to hurt you, then how can I help you?” Simon could feel Isabelle’s agitation vibrating through her body. “How can I—” 

“Iz,” Alec said tiredly. “It’s not like it’s one big bad thing. It’s a lot of little invisible things. When Magnus and I were traveling, and I’d call from the road, Dad never asked how he was. When I get up to talk in Clave meetings, no one listens, and I don’t know if that’s because I’m young or if it’s because of something else. I saw Mom talking to a friend about her grandchildren and the second I walked into the room they shut up. Irina Cartwright told me it was a pity no one would ever inherit my blue eyes now.” He shrugged and looked toward Magnus, who took a hand off the wheel for a moment to place it on Alec’s. “It’s not like a stab wound you can protect me from. It’s a million little paper cuts every day.”

 *** 

“He hurt you. It was a long time ago, and I know he tried to make up for it, but—” Bat shrugged. “Maybe I’m not so forgiving.” 

Maia exhaled. “Maybe I’m not either,” she said. “The town I grew up in, all these spoiled thin rich white girls, they made me feel like crap because I didn’t look like them. When I was six, my mom tried to throw me a Barbie-themed birthday party. They make a black Barbie, you know, but they don’t make any of the stuff that goes with her—party supplies and cake toppers and all that. So we had a party for me with a blonde doll as the theme, and all these blonde girls came, and they all giggled at me behind their hands.”

***

If we carry the theory through (Shadowhunters are THE privileged, Downworlders are THE marginalized) that means that Alec, as a gay Shadowhunter, is more privileged than Simon, a straight vampire. That Ty, who would be locked in a mental institution if the Clave discovered his autism, is privileged beyond white, rich, immortal and powerful Malcolm Fade. It’s saying that when Cristina encounters a wealthy, white, straight, misogynist male werewolf in Lady Midnight who tries to force sexual attention on her, she, a Latina woman, is the one who is the privileged character because she is a Shadowhunter and he is a Downworlder (though Sterling has arguably, given that he lives outside the supernatural world, never experienced a whit of prejudice because of it.) So I’m sure you can see where the problem lies.

It also erases Simon’s Judaism entirely. Stating without caveat that Simon has become “part of a privileged community” means ignoring the fact that Simon is Jewish; that he decides in Tales that he will continue to practice, and that he was the only Jewish protag written by two Jewish authors that I’m aware of having been on the bestseller lists last year. He didn’t think about being a vampire as he was preparing to transform — he never wanted to be one or consented to be one, nor was he part of the community, as Raphael constantly pointed out — though he does later think of having previously been a Downworlder when interacting with vampires and Shadowhunter prejudices. He thought of the important thing to him: his Judaism, which he both couldn’t and wouldn’t give up. To me it is personally painful to think that for any reader, Simon’s status as a vampire is more significant than his status as a practicing Jew.

I think sometimes it is possible to invest yourself so heavily in a metaphor that you forget the real world that surrounds the metaphor and the flexibility of metaphors in general. The Shadowhunter/Downworlder situation could stand in for the systemically privileged and marginalized of our world: sometimes it does. However it also can stand in for the way totalitarian governments abuse their own people: there are echoes in Shadowhunter history and current events of the Cambodian genocide, of Stalinist violence against intellectuals and resistors. There are also echoes of police brutality — what Shadowhunters have is the privilege of the Law, specifically: the Law is what allows them to enact bigotry in the name of justice, and when they abuse their jobs, it has resonances of the way police can abuse their jobs and use the privilege conferred on them by their authority to murder and abuse the helpless and marginalized. There are also echoes of the way soldiers carry out immoral orders given by superiors: the Shadowhunters are taught to be obedient to the Clave, and one of the ways we know who our Team Good is in any TSC series that they question that obedience. All of these are echoes and resonances: they are not saying that the Shadowhunters are the police, or the US military, or the Khmer Rouge; the resonances provide context and hopefully add a sense of realism to a situation that is fantastical in its nature.

 (It’s also a wise idea not to so totally buy what the Shadowhunters are selling about themselves. They think they’re special and better and awesome, but the books constantly question and problematize that. Shadowhunters also pay a high high price for their runes and their sense of superiority: they die young and often and experience brutal constant violence and the pressures of a repressive society that allows for little divergence from an idealized norm.)

There are reasons that the Downworlders were never constructed to be a specific marginalized group and their situation was never meant to be limited in its relatability to one situation— for instance, it’s very hard to not look askance at the argument that Downworlders are meant to be specific “race” when you can become a Downworlder and then stop being one: when you can, as Simon does, change what kind of magical creature you are, because there is absolutely no correlation between that and what race or ethnicity means in our world. 

 So yes, Simon becomes a Shadowhunter: however, what I don’t see acknowledged here is not just his ethnicity and religion, but the fact that he becomes a Shadowhunter partly because he is aware of the prejudice of Shadowhunters, and fights against the bigotry they show not just to Downworlders but also to their own. He is part of Magnus and Alec’s Shadowhunter-Downworlder Alliance. He continues to work for change from within the system, arguably something almost no one else could do, because there are almost no other Downworlders who have become Shadowhunters. It is odd to me to consider Simon as simply ascending to a height of blithe privilege when he is fact much more like someone who has become a police officer in order to root out corruption and racism in the police, and brings his own knowledge of marginalization (which he still experiences) with him.

That is why Simon in Tales from the Shadowhunter Academy is constantly fighting and bending the rules in the name of his evolving social conscience, though I understand if you haven’t read TfTSA. One of the things about having had a flood of new readers enter fandom because of the TV show is that I’ve seen a lot of arguments based on the idea that TMI is the entire story of Downworlders and Shadowhunters, or the entire story of these characters. I see people talking about characters getting a happy or sad ending in TMI even when those characters go on to feature heavily in the sequel books and could by no reasonable account be considered to have any ending, happy or sad — unless you thought TMI were the only Shadowhunters books that existed rather than a chunk of a larger ongoing mythology. In no sense has Simon’s story ended: you have no idea if he will remain a Shadowhunter or not. Perhaps if you consider the fact that TMI is not a story that has ended for Simon, but rather one that continues, the fact that he has now been two magical species and might well move on to become another will sit less poorly with you? After all, this is not “after a whole series of battling for equality between species/races” this is “in the middle of a whole series of battling for equality between species/races.” Usually the middle of a story isn’t the place it’s best to draw all your conclusions from. :-) 

Tantalizing

Originally posted by jikookfantasy

Tantalizing: 01 02
Ship: Jungkook | Reader
Description: Back in high school, you were nothing more than a nerd Jungkook wanted to deflower, to get a good fuck from. When he sees you at the club, though, things have changed drastically, and his dominance starts to teeter on the edge.
Warning: Cumplay, Degrading Names, Angst, Intercourse, Oral, Orgasm Denial, Thigh Riding
Word Count: 5,965

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I was inspired by @lazulisong‘s utter brilliance.

The moment Takeshi learned of Yuuri’s ginormous crush on Victor Nikiforov, he lifted Yuuri’s sweatshirt, took a big handful of belly, and shouted loud enough to wake Yuuri’s dead grandmother, “Keep dreaming, round boy! Victor would never want a tubbo like you!”

Oh, but if only Takeshi knew that Victor Nikiforov not only wants a tubbo like Yuuri but that he cried when Yuuri announced that it was time to drop the weight in preparation for the new season. Cried actual tears. The kind of tears usually reserved for deaths in the family or losing everything in a fire. The kind he shed when he thought Yuuri was breaking up with him. Bitter, heart-wrenching tears that leave him red-faced and heaving, then stumbling around hours later, wrung completely dry.

To be fair, Victor cries like that about literally everything—Yuuri landing a quad, surprise candlelight dinners, children in oversized parkas, murals that feature the color cerulean, dogs in movies (not just when they die, but when they’re there at all), the fourth ringtone on his new phone, daffodils, the word ‘sorbet’, and aerosol deodorant—but what Takeshi doesn’t know won’t prove him right, so.

“Maybe you can postpone it another week,” Victor mumbles into the kitchen table, where he fell into a chair and just sort of… deflated everywhere. He’s lying on top of the newspaper. Yuuri really wants to read it.

“You told Yurio he should’ve started training two weeks ago.”

Victor gives a despondent shrug. “He should’ve. Instead he’s been spending all his time Skyping with that degenerate.”

“You love Otabek. You hugged him and said you were proud to welcome him to the family, then you dumped a bag of condoms in his lap and cried because—and I quote—you were trusting him to take care of your most precious child.” And then a mortified, blushing Yurio slammed the airport shuttle door on Victor’s fingers.

Victor’s bandaged hand lifts and cuts through the air as though it were a tiny boat sailing on a choppy sea. Yuuri isn’t entirely sure what it means, but whatever it is? It’s suitably dramatic. “Yurio’s different.”

“Except not really.” Across the table, Yuuri studies the part in his hair, which looks a little… wider than usual. And sadder. It looks like a frown. He wants to lean forward to touch it, but that would do nothing except set Victor off again, and at the moment there isn’t enough fluid in Victor’s body to sustain him as it is. Instead, he pushes his own glass of orange juice toward him. “Vitya, please, drink something and replenish, would you? I don’t want to even think about what the headlines would say tomorrow if I let you pass out while we’re running this evening.”

At that, Victor lifts his head. Yuuri could skate an entire program based on the sheer betrayal on Victor’s face. “We’re running already? But we can’t! Not yet! I'm—You’re not ready. Another week. I’m putting my foot down, as your coach.”

“You’re a terrible coach,” Yuuri says. “I mean that. I want that on record. I can’t believe I’ve put my career in your hands. Can I fire you?”

“I’m a good husband, though, so it all cancels out,” Victor points out, which, okay, fair point. And he proves it by sliding both of his hands across the table and making grabby motions with his fingers. Well, one hand does. The bandaged one looks like a mummified sock puppet. “Don’t leave meeeeee.”

“I’m not leav—” Yuuri pauses, then rolls his eyes so hard he’s almost positive that he sprains something. “Oh. You were talking to my—”

“Squishyyyyyy.”

It comes out on the back of a long, sinuous whine. At Yuuri’s feet, Makkachin stirs, and he places his foot gently on her back and rubs until she settles. “I’m not going to bust my ass twice as hard just so you can manhandle me whenever you want.”

Victor’s head thunks back onto the table between his outstretched arms. “But you’re so soft and squishy, and it’s my favorite, and soon you’re going to be all bony and hard.”

“You’ve never once complained about me being hard,” Yuuri deadpans, then hides his face in his hands, because honestly. Victor cackles dementedly. “Look, I know you like my… well. I appreciate it, but I really need to start training yesterday if we’re going for the gold.”

Victor throws himself off of the table and drapes himself backward over his chair with a groan that honestly deserves an award. “Fine! Fine. Nobody ever told me that so much of being married is making sacrifices.”

It would be so easy for Yuuri to just turn his head and stare at the framed cross-stitch on the microwave that reads Sacrifice is one of the purest and most selfless ways to love someone. Practice it daily. Instead, he nudges the glass of juice a little closer, because, well. Sacrifice.

“Buck up,” Yuuri says cheerfully. “I’ll be back to being squishy before you know it.”

With a grumble, Victor reaches for the glass.

And while no one could ever accuse Yuuri of being the type to hold a grudge, he can’t deny the small, dark part of him that wants to call up Takeshi right this second and crow, “Round Boy got his, you jerk!”

Guys My Age (2)

Pairing: Bucky X Reader

Words: 4K

Warnings: SMUT. NSFW gifs. 

Summary: You’re playing truth or dare with the Avengers when Nat asks you when the last time you got laid was  and Sam dares you to pick a song that perfectly grasps why you haven’t had sex in so long.

A/N: Enjoy the smot. And please use protection people. Better safe than surprised. I think this is dirtiest fic I’ve written so far.

Permanent tag list: @meganlane84

Part 1

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Markiplier Theory: Markiplier’s Egos are trying to take over through TV- but why?

But Dark isn’t the one who’s the top power. He’s on the other end. He’s just the other guy who’s controlling the meeting.

The other one was standing. Wilford Warfstache. And by visual, that means he’s controlling the team. He’s the one manning the ship. And by technicalities, that means he’s the one fueling the movement of the egos, since in meetings the one who’s standing is the project head. 

Dark wanted to take control, but failed all the time. He literally cracks all the time when he possesses Mark. The real ending with ADWM is that he doesn’t even win. You still get the ‘retry’ option after it because it’s not the ending that you’re supposed to get. He’s still defeated.

Dark reinforces his admiration to Wilford in the video. He says “Look. Will. I respect you. I always had.” He turned to Wilford because he’s not the one who could do it. 

Wilford has always been a seamless character, no problems in confronting Mark head-on. He has been on TV for so many times (though ending in a bad way). Wilford has interviewed Mark, Slenderman, FNAF guys, and all. He has the most power out of all the egos. 

Take note he’s the base character/ego. He’s literally the one on Mark’s profile pic forever. 

Wilford hijacks the game that was initially for Bim Trimmer. He hijacks the Bubbles commercial. He’s the one presenting the idea to everyone. And his idea is amazing. Because TV isn’t only for TV anymore.

You can get TV shows through the internet. TV is the main media- you get news, you get drama, movies, et cetera. And now the egos are targeting that.

This also implies Wilford got every, single possible ego to help him in the endeavor. It might have been lost in Dark’s eyes (he’s not one for entertainment. He doesn’t get it. But he still concedes because it’s Wilford.) There were new egos introduced here.


Now: Everyone’s roles in the TV Industry

Game Show Segments: Bim Trimmer. He was the one who decided the game, and hosts on weird conditions. He had the Disc of Riches, and most probably others too.

Commercials/Advertisements Segments: Ad Mark (probably akin to Scent O’ Iplier advertisement) is seen and heard in the Bubbles segment.  Ed Edgar Adopt-a-Lot, who was supposed to have a “30 second segment, barely getting 5”. He wants the money. 

Movies/Series: Silver Surfer. What’s the most prominent series right now? It’s usually the ones with heroes. He says “he took a break from crime fighting to pursue entertainment”. He’s the one that’s going to star in those series, usually on Netflix. Another one, akin to “House, Grey’s Anatomy, etc”, Dr. Iplier is going to be the star. He says “I came across as a professional and handsome actor.” Let it be known that the ‘hit’ looks for doctors are hot ones- which Dr. Iplier readily knows. However it is to be noted that Septiplier is an actual ego (lol) which might have been a romantic segment for a series.

News: The Jims. Both are Jims- Jim the head newscaster, and the weather reporter. This means that they are literally broadcasting, not only to TV, but on radio and newspaper as well. The other Jim was on the Sun as well. This implies their range of power. Probably has connections all over the world because of their status of being reporters.

Music: Mark Bop. Akin to MTV, this one is targeting the music industry. He’s alive and bringing back the classics, and most probably going to make more. He’s doing revivals, he’s going to dominate.

Reality TV: Possibly the only one that was intended to where the ‘real’ Mark and the team were supposed to show up. They are shown as the ‘actors’ of their ‘roles’- with Mark as Markiplier, Amy as Peebles, Kathryn as Editor, Tyler as Apocalypto_12, and Ethan as Crankgameplays. (This still means that Wilford got them to do this for Markiplier TV.)

— Also the segments of “Bad Dog” can be compared to those series you’d see on AXN, like Breaking the Magician’s Code. Mark ‘crying’ and the subscriber drop is a close second here, most probably those series with “Living with the…” titles. It is important to note that Kathryn was also there at Wilford in the Disc of Riches, where the whole team was. It might be speculated that the Teamiplier are just actors, and Tyler just acted dead because it’s obvious Wilford didn’t really have bullets when it sounded, and Kathryn was more of the behind-the-scenes type.—-

Other possible TV segments: Informational-Probably like Nat Geo, King of the Squirrels might be in this part, however he is shown to be out of the meeting- possibly because it’s a so-so segment. Wilford doesn’t know what to do yet with him, alongside the many other missing egos. Talk Show- maybe more directed to Wilford or Bim Trimmer.

Technical Run Through: Google. He’s the one who keeps them at bay, to let them remember their ‘primary objective’. With his role in the meeting room, it can be assumed that he is the one holding the technical stuff- when the episodes air, how the lighting is, cameras are placed, etc. This also means that whatever is shown on TV will be uploaded on the internet. It will be easily accessible. Alongside him is The Author, now known as The Host. He tells how everything goes in how the things should go. He’s the scriptwriter. He’s the director. He literally is a host to the people watching Television. Without the structure of a show, how does one run? Without the audience’s help, how does a show follow through? Without good mediums, who will like it? That’s his job.

Now, Dark and Wilford are the acting CEOs. They don’t necessarily have the segments, but that mean they are the ones who are going to control the whole operation. Dark’s probably like the ‘president’ and Wilford is the ‘CEO’ of Markiplier TV. (President: Second-in-command. CEO: owner, chief). Usually the CEO who is on screen more than the president, which makes sense in this way.


Now, what do you guys think?

Realtalk though, even if Sirius hadn’t taken the fall for the Potters’ deaths, I doubt he would have been given the opportunity to raise Harry. To suggest that he would have requires that we ignore that:

  • Albus Dumbledore was essentially a law unto himself within the wizarding world at the time - for all that he tried to avoid appearing, even to himself, to be seeking power, Dumbledore was one of the most significant political figures in Wizarding Britain and, indeed, Wizarding Europe at the time. In addition to controlling the education of the vast majority of wizards and witches in the British Isles for nearly half a century, he also holds leadership positions in both the Wizengamot and the International Confederation of Wizards for Harry’s entire childhood. It took turning the Minister for Magic against him to even start to erode his power base, and even then, there was a significant majority [edit, because I can’t type apparently:] minority both within the Ministry and in the general populace that remained loyal to Albus Dumbledore over Fudge and his administration. Although it’s most explicitly tied to Slytherin ideals of ambition, there’s an almost feudal factionalism that’s present throughout wizarding British society, and no one seems to have questioned Dumbledore’s right to sponsor an organization like the Order of the Phoenix until he fell thoroughly out of favor with the Ministry. In the aftermath of Voldemort’s first fall, it probably would have been political and social suicide for anyone to question Albus Dumbledore’s right to make choices as to the upbringing of the orphaned child of two of his proteges.
  • Petunia’s status as Harry’s closest blood relative was magically significant, but probably not legally significant - if Dumbledore hadn’t unilaterally decided who got to raise Harry, can you really see any British Wizarding authority favoring the muggle relatives of a wizarding child born into a wizarding family in a custody case? Especially muggle relatives that didn’t want the kid in the first place? Harry was sent to the Dursleys entirely because of the protective blood magic that Lily worked with her death, and Dumbledore clearly overrode whatever the usual process of finding a guardian would have been in order to ensure Harry got that protection. This wasn’t a compromise or a backup plan for if another guardian wasn’t available. If Dumbledore had wished Harry to be raised within the wizarding world, he would have had no trouble finding a guardian that suited his needs. James was a pureblood; Harry is probably related within a few generations to a third of wizarding Britain. For that matter, if he hadn’t had reason to give Harry to someone else, it would have been very much Dumbledore’s style to decide to raise him himself.
  • Dumbledore doesn’t actually seem to like Sirius - he never goes so far as to badmouth the man to Harry, probably because shittalking Sirius would run contrary to his carefully cultivated image of being Wise and Fair and Above Such Pettiness. But Dumbledore seems to be frequently irritated with Sirius and clearly has little concern for his physical or emotional wellbeing, even when they’re nominally allies. Dumbledore couldn’t be bothered to find Sirius accommodations less actively traumatic than Grimmauld Place when Sirius was almost entirely dependent on Dumbledore and the rest of the Order. Would he have honored Sirius’s claim as Harry’s godfather, without really significant outside pressure? Would Sirius have been able to get backup from anyone Dumbledore would actually have listened to? Who’s going to win that battle - a probably-unemployed 21-year-old who has explosively burned bridges with his wealthy and influential family, or the man who is essentially the uncrowned king of magical Britain?

I propose instead: Sirius fails to get custody of Harry, who is sent off to his aunt and uncle as per canon. Sirius then proceeds to do an end-run around Dumbledore, instead focusing his not-inconsiderable charisma on getting into Arabella Figg’s good graces and, from there, insinuating himself into the Dursleys’ social circles. Probably this involves some intensive cramming to catch up on years of muggle studies he may or may not have actually taken but almost certainly didn’t pay attention to at Hogwarts. Depending on how much attention Petunia paid to Lily’s social life, Sirius may need to avoid her and interact only with Vernon; I have little doubt Sirius could pull this off, nor do I think Vernon would necessarily find this suspicious.

Harry grows up with occasional but reliable contact with an adult who tells him he’s neither crazy nor at fault when he starts having magical outbursts, takes an interest in his life, and also sometimes turns into a fluffy doggy when none of the other grown-ups are looking.

Vernon Dursley is utterly outraged when Mr. Black, who up to ‘till now has always seemed perfectly respectable and urbane, intercepts the third owl that tries to bring Harry his acceptance letter and hand delivers it to the kid, who is not actually surprised because Sirius has been teaching him about wizarding culture on the sly since he was like seven.

anonymous asked:

dark rc would you please consider writing about how victor (and the rest of the Russian skate team) had a feud with the Russian hockey team bc of their constant flirting and attentions towards yuuri (who was completely oblivious at the war waging for his heart)??

This has been sitting in my inbox for over a month and I apologize for that, nonny! I wanted to try my hand at breaking through this writer’s block and this prompt was ripe for the taking. It’s not my best work by any stretch, but it’s something at least! I hope you enjoy.

+

There are few things that give Yuri pleasure—the taste of accomplishment like cinnamon sugar on the back of his tongue after landing a quad; having a comeback so cutting that he practically draws blood; that soft murrf a cat makes when it decides it trusts him; the little green screenshot arrow appearing next to Otabek’s name in Snapchat—but they all pale in comparison to whenever the Russian hockey team visits the rink.

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