I really hate the perfection complex we have, you know? It's hard for me to quietly accept I did something wrong and I end up crying and feeling a flurry or really awful things because I feel like I ought to know better.
Another thing: I developed BPD from a truly awful childhood so whenever my parents are like “Why are you like this?” I think “You MADE me this way” which makes me even more resentful
yeah, bpd is really stressful. and a lot of the times we believe we did something wrong, we didn’t. we just have this belief we’re always manipulating others. and it’s not true at all.
and i also think that about my parents. when my parents question why i am the way i am, why i’m not improving all the time, i just…i always place the blame entirely on them. and then i think that’s selfish of myself, so i end up blaming it entirely on myself.
truly, our childhoods were the environments that gave us this pd. there’s no other way to put it. i think you’re allowed to blame your parents for certain shortcomings, especially if you’re in a grieving period where you’re coming to terms with having bpd. it’s a natural process. but there comes a time where you should distance yourself from that belief. maybe, yes, your parents are the reason you have this disorder, but you now have freedom to live your life away from them. they might have “made you this way” but you can choose to change, and at the end of the day, the past is the past. you can’t change it.
Happy belated birthday @midnightstarlightwrites! I love Smoulder and I wanted to draw my favorite moment in the story. The emotion in this chapter was so wonderfully handled, i had a dumbstruck smile on my face when I reached the end of it.