There’s a saddening lack of books with pansexual/panromantic rep included in queer book recs, so I’ve compiled a list of books for us pans, that I will be continuously updating.
Some notes: I haven’t read the majority of these books, so I’m trusting the people who sent me recs and the research I’ve done. Some of the books are part of series, and I’m not sure if the pan character is in one or some/all books, so keep that in mind.
For each book I’ve put the genre, the names of the characters if I could find them, if it’s canon or implied/hinted, and a goodreads link.
warnings: anxious reader, big ol’ fight with Con, weed use on his part.
word count: 7,335
requested? kinda lmao
hope you enjoy it,
it doesn’t really sound like Connor in the beginning but let a girl dream about a soft Murphy boy for a little while! Anyways I needed to vent a little bit so if the negative stuff gets too real ™ I’m sorry! HOLY BDHSUBJHJN this took a long time! idk if this is OOC but i tried my best to make it feel convincing. Now I’m going to sleep for a week lmao.
Monday 8:45 am
School wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, but you felt so strange for some unknown reason. Not really strange but more of a feeling of displacement. You knew it wasn’t going to be a good week, you hadn’t even questioned it, you just knew.
You were zoning out and trying to be as small as possible in this massive black hole of papers and stressed out kids with hormones out of the roof.
Connor came up to you and gently tapped your shoulder, shaking you out of your own head. You turned around and softly nodded at him as if to say ’hi, I don’t feel like talking’.
He nodded and slowly interlocked your fingers with his.
“You know you can talk to me?” He said quietly into your hair.
You nodded and sighed leaning onto his shoulder and closing your eyes.
“Always and forever.” You mumbled tiredly as he looked back down at you.
He was surprisingly gentle with you when you were like this. Usually, he would say something funny or stupid to cheer you up a little when you needed it or playfully say something like ’stop being a pussy’.
You would hit him in the shoulder but you would feel better because he’s such an idiot but he tries his best and you love him.
“Always and forever.” He confirmed and continued to walk, matching his pace to your slower one.
You must just be tired, or maybe someone got on your nerves. You were okay, you had to be. You always were. You were his rock. Every time something bad happened you were right there, even if he didn’t talk about it. It was like you could sense it and you probably could. He tried his best to sense when something was wrong and was usually successful… that is, unless he’s too busy with his own problems he doesn’t pay as much attention to you.
“Okay, since you don’t want to talk here like a fucking weirdo,” he said, going back to a humorous tone and gaining back his masculinity by erasing any signs of him being vulnerable.
“How about the park on Wednesday? At like 6 because my parents are weird and won’t let me leave till Wednesdays for ‘academic’ reasons and it sucks but whatever.” He looked at you while he said it, making sure he wasn’t being too inconsiderate of how deeply you were being affected by whatever was causing oh trouble.
“Yeah.” You said softly, shifting your head slightly on his shoulder and looking up at him.
“Yeah, I would like that very much, Con. Thank you.” You said slightly louder, to show him that you really did want to see him later and that he shouldn’t start worrying you don’t like him anymore like he usually does.
There you guys were, just like when you were kids; walking side by side holding hands and enjoying the others company while you walked to class.
It was the moments like this that reminded you how much you trusted Connor, and you couldn’t be happier with him by your side.
All was well. No, not well, but manageable. manageable at least until Wednesday night.
Tuesday wasn’t very busy. School was normal and so was home. The feeling still lingered, of course, but you tried to push it down further until tomorrow night when you could talk to Connor about it. Only he would really understand what you’re going through and you knew he would never tell a soul.
He was also seeming to get worse and you could tell he was trying to hide it. You didn’t know if it was out of consideration for you, or that he didn’t want to deal with it himself. You knew it wasn’t selfish of you for asking him to talk with you tomorrow But you felt guilty regardless. He had always had problems more frequently and he had his fathers temper. He needed to talk more than you did.
Sighing and pushing your hair from your face, you sent him a quick text to see if you were still on for tomorrow. Then maybe, you could talk about him as well.
Still on 4 tom. night?
Ok, goodnight. I love you
love you too babe
Your heart swelled a bit at the four tiny black words on your phone screen. You couldn’t wait to see him tomorrow morning.
Wednesday 6:00 am
You adjusted your backpack on your shoulder and stepped out into the cold morning air. You took a deep breath and relished in the sting your lungs felt when the new temperature of air hit them.
You met him at his house, as per usual, but paused before knocking when you heard something. you listened closer and recognized the voices to be Zoe and Connor.
“Shut up, Connor! I’m tired of waking up to the stench of weed every other morning! Would it kill you to open a fucking window?”
“Maybe if you didn’t drive me insane with all your friends over constantly giggling i wouldn’t want to get high! Honestly, you had to ruin my morning so that mommy and daddy will blame me and you’ll still be the fucking favorite, okay? Now move, I need to give Y/N a ride.”
“Connor! Why can’t you ju-”
“Just stop, Zoe.”
You rang the doorbell in panic when you heard loud footsteps come closer. You were greeted with a disheveled Connor with messy hair covering his cheeks and framing his sharp face. He grabbed your arm and dragged you to the car, still huffing and obviously trying to calm himself down. Once you were both in the car and heading down the street, you spoke up.
“I love you. Please, if you need to calm down, let me drive.” you talked gently and leaned closer to his ear so he could hear you clearly.
He tensed before slowly relaxing and reaching to hold your hand, squeezing it tightly and relaxing again. He didn’t have to say anything. Knowing someone for 12 years, you know what they mean by certain gestures. This one meant three things depending on the situation.
1.) I love you
2.) thank you
3.) if I could, I would kiss the hell out of you right now.
You knew he meant all three.
He was angry at lunch. Probably because he had just gotten out of the one class he had with Zoe. You could only imagine that their fight from this morning had continued. You reached for his hand but he pulled away and bounced his legs furiously under the table.
When he saw the hurt look on your face his stern exterior softened. Did he not like you anymore? Did he not want to be touched? Was he okay?
“ Shit, sorry I just… fucking Zoe is always on my ass lately and I don’t know how much more I can take.” He scoffed as he ran his hand through his messy curls.
“It’s okay, babe. How about we talk about it tonight? at the park, remember?” you suggested.
You knew Connor wouldn’t talk about his feelings unless you suggested it. Then he would eventually open up about what had been bothering him that week. It was your own little system, but it worked.
“Yeah… we’ll see. Listen, i gotta go before Evan pisses himself because I didn’t show up to help with his chemistry homework.” He grumbled, his eyes looking towards the doors as if he was planning an escape.
“uh, okay. Later Con.” you smiled and shooed him off.
“Later.” He said, but not before lazily kissing your cheek.
You watched as he stalked away, hoping he was okay. Hoping that you would be okay until tonight because, let’s face it, who wants to talk about their problems after hearing the fight he had with Zoe? You just wanted to both be happy at the same time, was that too much to ask?
You hoped he didn’t notice the fact that you were almost on the brink of tears, just by him pulling away. Something so small almost set you off… Wednesday night couldn’t come soon enough.
Wednesday night: 6:10 pm
He wasn’t here. He wasn’t where he said he would meet you 10 minutes ago. All you wanted was a nice little date in the park. You knew he was going through some stuff lately but you really needed this. You did your best to seem fine for his sake after you heard the fight but you could only handle so much.
Usually, it was you planning out little dates for him whenever his family got on his case or the assholes at school got into his head.
Key word: usually.
You had bad days too. Everyone did, but usually your bad day would be like a broken dam. It would break and begin flooding out a hundred bad days emotions that were pent up. You could deal with a normal persons’ bad days, but your classification of a ‘bad day’ was your own personal Armageddon.
Connor knew. He knew how your emotions would be put in a special file in your brain labeled ‘unimportant’. Like every file cabinet, however, when it got full you would have to clear it out.
He also knew that when this happened there was almost nothing he could do but stick it out with you and try to get your mind off of it. That’s why your tradition of small 'get-your-mind-off-your-feelings’ dates started. You both would rather be distracted with each other outside opposed to staying confined in your bedrooms waiting for the other to climb through the window to the rescue.
You checked the time on your phone and walked over to the bench across from the park.
You were sadly used to this. He was probably at home reading or getting high in the quiet of his bathroom, forgetting about you even though he planned the times for your date. You wished you just disappear.
He was 20 minutes late now and you were alone on a bench at a kids park at 6 in the afternoon. You were going to give him 5 more minutes and then head back to your house to quietly mourn your sudden and complete loneliness and disassociate yourself from the world around you for a while by, hopefully, sleeping. But then again, you didn’t get much sleep on a good night so… you really didn’t know what to do after you left.
You were angry now. This was one of the few times you really needed to talk to him, to let him hold you and let your emotions run free while you felt safe. You had basically broken down in tears two mornings ago when you told him about the oncoming flood of anxiety and negative emotions.
You shouldn’t be mad, really he probably just forgot and you were used to being forgotten. No one deserves to be forgotten, though! Did you have a right to be mad?
You were mad and you were sad and you were lonely. Your mind swirled a mile a minute with all the worst case scenarios of why he wasn’t here. Maybe he was sleeping or maybe he was high as a kite in his bathroom, completely unaware of you and your ever-present breakdown.
He probably forgot about you. Or he just doesn’t care about you anymore. He probably saw you how you saw yourself and got out while he could.
Well fuck. Thanks brain!
Getting up from the bench and straightening out your shirt, you began to speed walk back you’re tiny neighborhood. You weren’t going to cry. Your stomach was sinking and you wanted to pop the balloon of dread that was inflating in your lungs.
You walked slower when you reached Connors house, just a few houses down from yours. Smoke seeping almost invisibly through his bathroom window, slowly descending in tiny clouds before the wind blew them away.
Of course, he was fucking getting stoned right now. Instead of the balloon being popped in your lungs, it seemed to swell while you looked up at his window. You shook your head to yourself slowly and quickened your pace as you watched the swirls of smoke above you.
You rushed back to your house. You entered, trying desperately not to drop your key from your shaky hands. Once you were in, you read the small note your sister had left you on the counter. Your sister always wrote in swirly cursive, like her job was making ordinary things pretty.
Parents are gone for the weekend on a buisness trip. I’m out for dinner with a friend and crashing there so I’ll be home tomorrow morning. -Samantha
Great. House to yourself.
Usually, you would text Connor to keep you company but seeing as he was preoccupied, you texted your best friend Alana instead.
To: Alana B.
house to ourselves tonight I’m down for a movie hbu
From: Alana B.
Lucky you I just finished my homework! I’ll bring snacks? Also I have to be home by 10:00.
To: Alana B.
Sounds like a plan, Stan
From: Alana B.
To: Alana B.
Alana it’s a phrase.
Just hurry up and get over here.
As you threw on some sweatpants and plugged your phone to charge, you heard the doorbell followed by Alana’s signature ’Tap tap taptap tap’ knock.
You opened the door and welcomed her in, helping her carry the blanket and microwave popcorn she had brought into the living room.
After you set everything down she pulled you into a bone crushing hug. When she pulled away she readjusted her glasses and smiled.
"Okay, so what’s wrong?“
"I’m in a profiling class for crime and justice, I know when something is wrong especially with my best friend.” She said maintaining eye contact.
“How do you…?” you began, clearly confused.
“Your fidgeting with your hands like you do when you’re anxious. Your hair is kinda messy, no offense, but it seems like you’ve been running your hand through it. Not to mention when I was driving by Connors house I could see smoke from his window… and didn’t you have a date tonight?” She dusted nothing off of her hands on her pants and placed them on her hips.
“So. whats wrong?” She interrogated you.
you sighed, you could never hide anything from her.
“Connor planned a little date like we usually do when one of us has a bad day and he didn’t show up. I sat at the park for half an hour waiting just to walk home and find smoke coming out of his bathroom window.”
She gave you an understanding look and held her posture as she motioned for you to continue.
“I want to be mad. You know? Like this is the one time I needed a break and he even planned it! But he just forgets and gets high? It’s like he doesn’t care, and let’s face it why would he?“ You laughed at the end as if to pretend you were joking and looked sheepishly down at your socks.
"I’m sorry you had a bad day but Y/n, and you have every right to be mad at him. And if he doesn’t see how freaking amazing you are then he can eat a brick for heck’s sake.” She said as she gripped your upper arms and looked at your slightly cloudy eyes. That was the worst language she’s ever said to you.
You softened and smiled at her, she always knew how to make you feel better. She looked up at you apologetically and motioned towards the couch as she picked up the movie.
She knew your limits. She wouldn’t push you to talk about the things you didn’t want to, especially since she knew she couldn’t understand it herself. That’s why she was so relieved when you started dating Connor! You seemed happier with him, but these moments made her want to smash a history textbook over his head.
Wednesday 10:00 pm
10:00 came much too soon. She said goodbye as you set her blankets into her small blue Jeep. You waved as she backed up out of your driveway. You were so lucky she was so understanding. But now you were alone again.
You hugged your arms around yourself and turned back around to your door. It was late and you should probably try and sleep, maybe just for a little while. Try to forget about this whole thing for a few minutes.
Staring at your dark room only lit by the street lamps and moon through your window only one thought was repeating through your skull: Anger.
You’ve never truly been angry for a while, and maybe it was just everything coming back at once, but you were livid.
“You have every right to be mad at him.” Alana had said.
Maybe she was right, I mean, he did forget about you and got stoned instead. Yeah, he forgot you!
You got even more livid when you saw his house across from yours through your window. Great.
Now you were pacing across your room deep in thought. Pacing had always been your nervous habit, you only did it when you were angry or confused. Now you were both. You couldn’t believe he’d do this to you.
Letting your mind wander, it chose the memory of you and Connors first date.
“So… what are ya thinking about?” You asked him slowly swinging your newly-entwined hands.
His hands were so cold, against the contrast of the warm hoodies you were both in, he could’ve been mistaken as touching an icicle. Then there was his hair, dark and blowing softly behind his ears and behind him. You watched his eyebrows scrunch together as he processed your question, and quickly turned away when he noticed you’re staring.
"I don’t really know, I mean I’m not very good at anything. Especially thinking, so I guess I’m just thinking about… well, I don’t know. Fucking whatever I think about.“ He looked sad.
Well, maybe not sad but disappointed. But at who? Himself? The world? You couldn’t tell. You knew about his rough exterior and why it’s there’s in the first place. He opened up that to you years ago when you first met in the park.
"Well, maybe I can help you with that. Or maybe I can just help by being there for you, like always. But if this is going to last, and believe me I want it to, then we gotta stick together, ya know? You gotta come to me with these things."
The soft grin on your face was infectious and as much as he tried he could resist the small smile creeping into his features. He slung his arm around you and sighed.
"Always?” You linked your pinky with his and looked at him.
"And forever.“ You replied and leaned your head onto his shoulder.
"Always and forever my ass, Murphy. Asshole.” You mumbled as you blinked away the fond memories.
You were staring at the moon, you realized as you blinked away the green blotches under your eyelids from staring too long.
You were always drawn to the moon. Maybe it was because you wondered if the moon could hear your thoughts, and if so, if it understood you. You were both trapped in the dark, with only the stars to comfort you both. You sat down at your desk in front of the window, dimly turning on your lamp.
“Always and forever seems to be shorter to you than me, huh Murphy?” You scowled under your breath.
Another memory came to you as you continued to stare.
It wasn’t a rare sight, two 2nd graders walking around a park. The only rare thing about it was that the two kids pinkies were locked together in between them while they were walking, gently swinging them in sync with their steps.
Connor looked slightly down at you, he was taller but only by an inch or two. You were looking up towards the big trees with orange and red leaves, as if wondering ‘how did they change like that?’
He could tell by your face, a mixture of awe and confusion that you were infatuated with them. He smiled and you met his eyes.
“Watcha looking at Connor?” You said through your goofy smile, missing a few teeth, but perfect nonetheless.
"I’m looking at you looking at the big twees.“ He said simply, turning his head back towards the the swing set in the distance.
"Huh.” He replied smugly, as if he was beating you in an imaginary game of copycat.
"Y/N is the coolest kid ever."
"Y/N is the UN-coolest kid ever.” He shot back.
"Hey! Meanie.“ You pouted.
"I win!” He shouted, pumping a small fist into the air in triumph.
"Beat this! I love you.“ You said raising your tone.
You were as stubborn as you were small.
"Well, I love you too you nerd.” He said sticking his tongue out at you.
He hoped his blush wasn’t too evident, even if he was only 8, he knew that love was an important thing. At least, that’s what his momma and daddy said when he asked them about it.
“Fine. You win, big deal.” You muttered in defeat, looking down at your shoes while pouting.
You never thought he would actually say that to a girl! Didn’t girls have cooties just like boys do?
"Hey, what’s wrong?“
"Nothing.” You huffed as you sat down on a swing, dragging your feet across the gravel.
"Hey, promise me something will ya? Like pinky promise.“
"Ok. I promise” you said looking up toward his lanky frame beside you.
“Promise we’ll be friends for a long time. Like always.” He said softly.
"Like forever?“ You questioned.
"Always and forever.” He whispered while nodding his head.
"Always and forever.“ You whispered back.
The moon was luminating your face under the soft yellow glow of your lamp. Those were the golden days, free of pain, anger, and destruction.
You looked down confusedly at your desk. Eyes focusing onto a tiny drop of water next to your laptop. Oh. You thought as you brought a hand up towards your cheek. It was wet, you must’ve been crying, not to your surprise. It had to come out sooner or later. You were about to let the waterworks flow when you heard a slight 'tink’ on the glass in front of you. what the hell?
A flash of gray and another 'tink’ hit your window, startling you out of your moping.
You walked towards your window to see, speak of the devil, Connor Murphy standing under your bedroom window with a handful of pebbles. You crossed your arms and tried to convey no emotion on your paler-than-usual, blotchy face. He gave a slight wave and motioned for you to come down.
You shook your head no and turned away from your window. Strange. He thought, I guess I’ll have to go to her.
He scaled your house for the usual bricks he could climb onto to get to your room. Once balanced with his feet on a ledge and his hands gripping your windowsill, he knocked again.
You turned to see him and rolled your eyes. You flicked your eyes towards the bottom of your window, challenging him to push it open if he wanted to talk to you so badly. He gave you an exasperated look but slowly pried your window open. You sat in your bed and watched him struggle into your room, falling in with a quiet 'thump’. Once he scrambled back to his feet he turned and closed your window before turning towards you.
"What the fuck? What was that for?” He whisper-yelled at you, motioning his arms so as if to say 'explain?'
“Why are you here, Murphy?” You deadpanned, motioning towards his disgruntled figure.
One part of you wanted to slap him for breaking your promise, the other half want to breakdown and let him hold you.
“What do you mean? I always come here when my parents get in my case! Am I not welcome anymore or something?”
He raised his voice slightly, seemingly unbothered that your parents could’ve been in the house.
They weren’t, obviously, so you didn’t try to shush him, but that wasn’t the point.
“My parents aren’t home, and neither is my sister. Yell all you want!” You smiled sweetly toward him, sarcasm dripping from your voice while trying desperately to keep up an I’m-totally-okay facade.
Key word trying.
You were failing desperately and you already had a rogue tear slowly falling down your cheek.
Connor was confused and that made him angry. What kind of game were you trying to play with him right now? What kind of sick practical joke were you trying to play, making him think you were mad at him? He was on the brink of blowing up at you when you spoke up again.
"Answer the question. Why. Are. you. Here?“ You hissed.
All the anger you had been previously holding in was seeping out into your brain and through your eyes. Connor froze, he’s never seen your eyes so cold before. He opened his mouth and closed it again. He didn’t know what to say so he just went with whatever came to him first.
"My fucking parents? Y/N what the hell is wrong with you right now?”
"What’s fucking wrong with me?“ You whispered, your stare pierced his soul.
"You want to know what’s wrong with me tonight Connor? How about you think for a minute on why I could 'possibly’ be mad right now.” You spat, voice raising with every word.
If you weren’t mad before, you definitely were now. Every emotion you had held in and every thought you had kept to yourself tonight was rushing back to you like a lightning bolt.
"What the fu-“ his eyes widened and he immediately softened his defensive stance.
You nodded at him, tears welling in your eyes as you watched him realize what he’d done.
"Yeah. Thanks for leaving me to sit at a park bench for thirty minutes alone! It’s not like you 'planned’ the date or anything!” You stood up and raised your voice, tears flowing full steam now from your cold stare.
“It’s not like I want to breakdown and scream and tell you how I can’t fucking feel anything anymore! But no.” You stuck your finger in his chest, poking him harshly backwards as you said 'no’ dramatically.
“You chose to get stoned in your bathroom instead of remembering how your girlfriend is also having trouble. You forgot how your best friend since second grade needed you!” You became eerily calm despite the tears flowing down your cheeks.
Connor knew he fucked up, but he got angrier at you every second you spent yelling at him.
"Well- well maybe if you just considered that I’ve been fucking depressed as shit lately you wouldn’t be so mad about a tiny missed date! Honestly, you make it sound like I killed someone!“ He said, getting immediately defensive.
"Connor, that doesn’t make you any less guilty for wh-”
"Maybe if you weren’t so fucking dramatic all the time I wouldn’t have to worry about remembering the fucking dates! Stop being so desperate for attention, Y/N! It’s not my fault you’re clinging to me constantly!“ He yelled into your face, cutting you off with his raised tone.
The smell of mint and marijuana being huffed onto you as the words slowly sank in. Your problems didn’t matter to him. You didn’t matter to him anymore. He is just tolerating you for a place to go when his parents annoy him.
He watched as your face slowly broke down with each insult he threw at you. The tough demeanor you previously had melting away and revealing a broken girl who was having all her worst fears confirmed.
"Get the fuck out of my house Connor."
You whispered. You crossed your arms back around your body trying to hide yourself and vulnerability from him. You shrank away, slowly taking a step back from him.
"As if I’d want to stay here anyways!” He huffed.
"Fuck you, Connor! Always and forever? How could I be so blind that someone could tolerate me for so long!“ You laughed as you finished your sentence, which was interrupted by sniffles and hurriedly wiping tears from your cheeks.
His face immediately softened when you mentioned your oaths to each other from what seemed like an eternity ago.
"Fuck you too!” He yelled back.
He was just now realizing what he had done and what he had said to you. He didn’t mean it! He wanted to scream at you that he didn’t mean anything he had said but you were already shoving him towards your window.
After you ensured he had a good grip, you slammed your window shut window behind him. You turned off your light and sat on your bed. For once tonight, you didn’t have any tears to cry out. Now you were completely numb to every emotion you had previously felt.
You didn’t know which was worse.
Meanwhile Connor was in his room as well, in the same position in his bed. His head was spinning and he wanted to punch something. He wished he didn’t smoke the rest of his tiny weed stash a few hours ago, now he had to face his feelings head on. Only this time, he couldn’t sleep it away with you cuddled towards him to relax. He didn’t have sweet kisses on his cheek to help him fall asleep. This time, he was utterly powerless to his mind. This time, he truly fucked up.
You woke up the next morning with a sore throat, puffy eyes and a blotchy face. You were confused, at first, while looking at your disheveled features until everything that had happened yesterday slowly replayed in your head.
“It’s not my fault you’re clinging to me constantly!”
"Maybe if you weren’t so fucking dramatic…“
Oh yeah. That happened.
You ran your hand down your face and groaned at the mess of mascara under your eyes, making it seem as though your dark circles were even worse. You looked around your desk and grabbed your hair brush next to your charging phone.
There was no way in hell you were going to check that right now.
You began to brush your hair and tried your best to look normal given the circumstances. You even tried to put on makeup after you took a shower and washed your face. You slipped on some jeans and your favorite gray hoodie paired with your white converse.
Normal. Good job Y/N! Now people won’t pay attention to you any more than they usually do!
Maybe it was because it was 5:30 in the morning, or maybe it was because you had gotten into a huge fight with Connor. Your boyfriend. Your best friend. You couldn’t shake the feeling you were forgetting something, even though last night kept replaying in your head in perfectly painful detail… And then it hit you.
Connor was your ride to school. Connor was your ride back home. Oh, come on. Give me a break.
You would have to take your families own small gray car which is surprisingly still working despite it being 15 years old.
You walked back towards your desk and slung your backpack around your shoulder as you looked for your keys. You slipped the lanyard around your neck after double checking you had the right key and unplugged your phone. the screen lit up but there was nothing there.
NO NEW MESSAGES
What did you expect? Even if Connor was sorry, he’d never admit it so soon if at all.
Thursday 6:00 am
With your fingers crossed that the beat up car won’t break down, you drove to hell school.
Maybe Connor won’t show up. Maybe you won’t have to deal with it. Maybe he’ll apologize. Maybe he hates you because you’re “clingy and dramatic.”
Whatever the case, you felt the familiar feeling in your stomach of fear and anxiety as you parked in the schools parking lot. If not for your dread of failure you might’ve skipped today, but you couldn’t bring yourself to. you opened the door and tried your best to calm yourself down. you counted as you fiddled with your fingers.
one - calm down
two - there is no point in worrying
three - just find Alana and Evan
four - focus on school not on last night
“Hey Y/N!” Alana chirped when she saw you walk past the cafeteria, Evan right behind her.
Evan gave a small wave before looking back down and biting his nails while he paid attention to whatever Alana was saying. You smiled back and made your way towards them.
“Just don’t mention Connor today, okay? She was mad at him last nigh- How are you Y/N/N?” you heard Alana and rolled your eyes.
Bless her soul, but she was terrible at pretending things didn’t happen, you let it slide. You gave an apologetic look to Evan and turned your attention back towards Alana, trying to think of a response you didn’t think you had.
“I’m fine. and you?” You did your best to sound convincing, not that your facial expression was helping much.
“Oh, I was just telling Evan how my homeroom teacher approved of the extra-curricular double course I requested to take. This should look great on my college applications, right? Wait, and then maybe I can convince him to write a letter of recommendation!” She almost squealed in joy, talking with her hands (like always) she almost hit poor Evan.
“Nice!” you tried your best to fake the expression of excitement, but your eyes must not have been as convincing as your tone.
“uh, Y/N, are you, uh well, are you okay?” Evan asked hesitantly, not wanting to offend you. when you didn’t respond immediately, he started to panic.
“You don’t have to answer! I mean obviously I would never pressure you because that’s super uncool and you’re like my best friend but you just seem kinda off today and-” Evan trailed off.
His mind was like a snowball rolling down a cliff, slowly building up and getting bigger until someone stops it. That someone was you as you swiftly cut off his anxious rambling.
“Ev, I’ll live! But thanks for worrying.” You said as you gently touched his shoulder to catch his attention.
You gave him a small smile and he just sighed in response and let it go. Alana however, was wickedly confused and upset with herself that she hadn’t noticed anything wrong with you as quickly as Evan did.
“Did you talk to him?” She muttered quietly and sent a nervous sideways glance towards Evan before flicking her eyes back towards you.
“I… I don’t know if I can re-live that to be completely honest with you guys.” You said as you focused intently on your shoelaces, not wanting to see their faces as you gave them the (slightly worrying) news.
You were tough. You could usually tell Alana and Evan anything in hopes that they could help you through it, but you just couldn’t tell them about last night. A lot of insecurities you had about how you act and why Connor even liked you in the first place were confirmed in the worst possible way you could think of.
“Y/N, you can talk to-”
“Just forget it? It’s not important and class starts soon anyway so let’s just go. Walk me to first period?” You cut Evan off and turned on your heels waiting for them to follow you. They did, luckily, and you weren’t completely alone. At least for today.
Oh god you usually ate lunch with Connor.
Connor didn’t sit with you. You didn’t expect him to, to be honest, but it still felt like a needle was poking at your heart and when you met eyes and he quickly looked away scowling to himself, the needle punctured through. You didn’t know where to go, so you decided to sit under a tree near the park at the back of the school. The park that they used for elementary schools in the summertime. Maybe you could clear your head there for a while.
You watched the clouds pass by overhead and hoped that maybe you could become one and float away from all of your problems. You closed your eyes and sat there for a while before heading back towards the school and accepting your doom of boring classes and repressing feelings.
You didn’t know what you thought about Connor anymore, you only knew you missed him. As you walked back home from school that was all that was repeating on your mind, like a broken record or an infinite loop.
But what could you do? Apologize to him for forgetting about you? You might miss him, but you wouldn’t go as far as to apologize for getting hurt. maybe you could text him or something, anything to see if he was okay. Maybe another day.
“Okay, so are you and Connor okay?” Zoe asked as she sat beside, setting down her lunch tray.
Despite your 12 years of friendship with Connor, you and Zoe were never really close. She hung out with a different crowd and you definitely weren’t part of it. You looked up at her confused but answered nonetheless.
“We, uh, got into a fight on Wednesday? He hasn’t talked to me since.” You sighed.
“Oh, well he’s acting super strange, which isn’t new, but he’s been different. You should talk to him. Or don’t, he’s an asshole anyway.”
you raised an eyebrow as if to say ‘if you keep talking about him I would tread carefully.’ She raised her arms in defense and laughed a little.
“No offense, just- I don’t know. He’s more bearable when he had you.” She picked up her tray and scurried back toward her group of friends, leaving you to fight the war in your head by yourself.
Was Connor really different without me? Why can’t he just start talking to me? Fine. I’ll take matters into my own hands.
You threw your backpack over your shoulder and left for the old park where you two had made the promise all those years ago. Thank God for half days!
The park was almost the same as when you were kids. Same trees framing a small path to a hiking trail, situated right next to where the long column of swings were placed crookedly facing the rest of the playground. The one thing that’s stayed the same in this tiny town other than you and Connors friendship. Ex-friendship? You honestly didn’t know anymore, but you knew that this was where he went when he needed to escape and shoot the breeze for a little while.
You walked towards the empty playground and sat on your swing. You had claimed it as your swing when you beat Connor in a game of ‘soccer’, which was just running around wildly and saying you scored a point if it came close to the tiny nets you had set up.
As you swung, you heard a muffled yell from in the hiking trail. Then another angry grunt. You knew it was Connor by the third thing you heard, which was:
“Fucking idiot! Stupid stupid stupid…”
You jumped out of your swing and ran towards the angry voice, forgetting about all of what had happened previously this week. He was okay, and that’s all that was going through your mind. He must’ve heard the rustling of you crunching leaves while jogging towards him, because he turned around lightning fast and gaped at you.
When you reached him you could see his red face and rigid stance. He was mad, you knew that, but he also looked so unsure of what to do. As if anything he did would hurt you even more than he already had.
You stared back at him before slowly walking closer towards him, looking at where he was previously facing. A tree, crooked and twisted and missing some bark where he had, presumably, been punching it in anger. Above the patches of missing bark was a small, scratchy engraving punctuated by a sloppy square, trying to look like a plaque, that read: “always? And forever.”
You gasped as the memory came flooding back to you. You and Connor in fifth grade, no more missing teeth but still young enough to think the world was yours, using a stolen exacto-knife from his dad’s tool collection to carve out your little promise.You reached up and gingerly ran your fingers through the sharp grooves you two had once made.
“I knew from an early age promises always got broken, but I always knew we were the exception. If you still think so, that is.” You muttered as you stared at the fake plaque in front of you.
“How the fuck are you talking to me after what I said?” he grumbled back quietly playing with his freshly bruised knuckles. “How can you even look me in the eye and not want to punch me in the dick? Hell, I’d punch me in the dick if I were you.”
You snorted a little and turned towards him.
“It hurt. I won’t lie, it hurt that you had forgotten about me. I was really struggling a couple days ago, ya know? But I said stuff I’m sorry about… and I missed you too much to not try and work it out with you.” You looked at him and walked even closer, bumping into his shoulder with yours.
“I just hate myself for being so stupid. I thought you finally came to your senses and where done with me. I freaked out and got defensive and I just- to be honest, I went home and almost punched a hole in the wall…again.” He said, mimicking you and staring at the old carving.
You looked up at him from where you were standing, shoulder to shoulder and rested your head on top of his bony arm. He tensed slightly at the sudden contact and you were about to pull back, but he wrapped his arm around your waist and held you close.
“I’m sorry.” he mumbled into your hair,
“I’m sorry too.” You sighed out, letting yourself be engulfed in his warmth and bony frame.
he held out his pinky finger and smiled nervously, flicking his eyes between you and his hand. You smiled slightly and he continued.
You giggled and linked your pinky finger with his long, skinny one.
“Like forever?” You replied, grinning like you were in second grade again and showing off your missing teeth.
“Always and forever.” He gave a small smile back down in your direction, waiting for you to finish.
“always and fore-oof!” You couldn’t finish it, though, because the one and only Connor Murphy himself whirled you around and kissed you before you could even realize what was happening.
He cupped your face in his cold, dainty hands and smiled. He smiled the real, genuine, second grader Connor Murphy smile that you hadn’t seen in ages. After you admired his smile for the couple seconds it was there, you cut it off by leaning back in and peppering his face with little “mwah” sounds before you began giggling so hard you could barely breathe. He kissed you again. You still couldn’t breathe, but maybe that was because of the giggling, or maybe it was because he took your breath away, and let’s face it.
“ Write me some connor Murphy x reader where reader is really positive and when connor bumps into her and he thought she would make it dramatic and say that he attacked her, but she just “oh no, I’m sorry.” And he’s just so ??? Shook ??? And then they’re apparently neighbors so when she says hi and walks to school with him he’s also ??? Shook ??? And then after a while he’s just: oh heck I love you and BOOM it’s fluffy. Idk man. “
Warnings: swearing, cuteness.
Y/N = your name \ Y/L/N = your last name
this is extremely out of character lol but i like happy Con so…
2 lists in 15 days? as if it’s actually a weekly thing? who would have thought. let’s celebrate killian looking delicious in that cop outfit and our collective fangirl dream coming true. read and comment!
“ Connor and reader where the reader works at the bookstore Connor goes to, and she notices. They have convos and it’s sweet??? And like ye. “
word count: 3.7k
hi yeah hope you like it! it got confusing at the end and it’s midnight and I rly need sleep so I hope you like this
It initially took you by surprise when you saw Connor Murphy walk into the local book shop you worked at every day after school. He would walk in and buy a new book or take out his own then walked to the tiny café in the bookshop to chill out. Reading wasn’t something people associated with Connor because they all assume he’s just a junkie, but every day like clockwork, he would come in and sit.
The old shop which was aptly named ‘The Authors Attic’ was small, warm, and overflowing with different knick-knacks and shelves stuffed with books of all sorts. The place screamed ‘home’. When you got the job, you were ecstatic. The small store was basically your home before you even got the job! So when the owner saw your application, he didn’t even bother to interview you.
Watching the doors for the tall boy from your tiny perch behind the desk became a habit fairly quickly after you noticed his frequent visits to ‘The Attic’. Whenever you would see him from the window walking towards the store, you tried your best to somehow communicate with him.
You made mental lists of whatever book he was currently reading or have already read, wanting to understand his preference better. He liked the poetic ones, you noticed, and he mostly enjoyed novels. You noticed a lot about him over the first week or so on the job, even if you hadn’t really talked other from the mandatory greeting and smiles. He was striking, all in black despite whatever weather was outside. Longer hair was unusual for the small town you lived in and if anything, it made you more curious.
You snapped your head up from the small notebook you were doodling in. It was still early for your curious muse to be here but there he stood in all his dark glory. It was hard not to stare at him. The light caressed his sharp features perfectly and the hair the stuck out from his head in messy curls seemed to glow in the ray of sun. He was angelic, to say the least. He took in the scent of the small shop and relaxed his stance. He was so breathtaking you almost forgot to greet him, stuttering idiotically.
“Hi welcome to, uh The Author’s Attic um, sorry,” You tried desperately to straighten out the papers that were messily strewn across the counter, desperately trying to hide the fact that you were staring and that your cheeks were rapidly heating up.
He nodded awkwardly in response, quirking his eyebrow at your suddenly flustered state.
Cute. Wait what? Whatever, she wouldn’t like you anyway you idiot, no one like you. He thought as he turned towards the bookshelves and scowled. Idiot.
“So what are you looking for today? Or are you just gonna chill by the café? Not that I watch you because that would be super creepy and- uh.” You piped up, realizing how creepy you sounded halfway through and jumbling your words together so fast they were almost inconceivable.
He turned and looked at you, almost… angrily? His eyes scanned your face for what seemed like hours, searching for something that wasn’t sincere. All he was met with, though, was your petrified face as you watched him glare at you,
He probably thinks you’re a stalker, Y/N. Why did you have to be so creepy? Now you’ll never get to know more about the tall boy with the high cheekbones who loves to read.
“Uh- I’m sorry ill just… make myself busy.” You mumbled as you looked down, willing to do anything to have him stop staring at you so feverously.
“No- I mean fu- just…” He let out a frustrated growl and hurried off into the infinite aisles of books, leaving you confused and even more curious about the ‘tall boy with the high cheekbones who loves to read.’
SPACE SHIT THIMNGYU
Monday morning was… eventful. Disappointing, but eventful nonetheless. Connor was seated next to you in English class, courtesy of the uptight teacher and her ‘put the good kids by the not-so-good kids and let them rub off’ philosophy. You didn’t think Connor was a ‘bad seed’, but everyone else seemed to sigh in relief when the teacher called his name and pointed next to your seat.
When confronted with this situation, he did what any reasonable person would do; sighed, sat down, and never said a word or even made eye contact with ‘the nice girl with the pretty eyes who works at the bookshop.’ Reasonable.
You were confused when he didn’t return your small smile as he walked up to the desk next to yours, and then you were sad because he didn’t acknowledge your existence. You learned one thing though, ‘the tall boy with high cheekbones who loves to read’ was named a bit simpler: His name was Connor.
Once school was over and you were at work, which you nicknamed ‘The Attic’, you were nervous for Connor to make his way into your tiny sanctuary. Connor. It was so strange to say his name, even if it was just in your thoughts.
So, you continued to scribble on the notepad in front of you and reposition books until the dreaded ‘ding’ would ring through your ears to reveal the tall boy with th- Connor.
Maybe you were just really focused on alphabetizing the books marked ‘fiction’ by Authors name, or maybe your brain just didn’t want to hear the warning bell. Either way, you turned around to find a tall boy in dark clothes staring at you from the gap between isles. You almost dropped the books that were wrapped securely in your arms.
He seemed like he was about to say something but decided against it and began to walk away.
“Wait! I mean- sorry, Connor right?” You said as you realized he was turning away.
He looked confused at first, probably wondering how the hell you knew his name or even his existence,
“You apologize a lot.” He stated bluntly.
Quickly realizing how douche-y he sounded, he continued.
“…But yeah, I’m Connor I guess.” He scratched the back of his head and shrugged his shoulders as if it was a question.
“Y-you guess?” You smiled lightly at him and placed the books down on top of the stool you used to reach the books stored up high.
He shoved his hands in his pockets grumpily and grunted in response. He was oddly welcoming with the ghost of a smile hidden behind his curtains of brown curls. Then the impossible happened, he laughed. His smirk turned into a small huff and the corners of his eyes crinkled as he raised his head and pushed the hair out of his face,
He laughed. It wasn’t a big laugh where he couldn’t breathe or even a giggle, it was just a wisp of happiness that made your knees feel wobbly and your cheeks feel warm.
He noticed your shocked stare, equipped with light pink cheeks and mouth agape in awe. He stood there awkwardly waiting for you to throw some quip or joke at him. When you asked him what book he was reading he didn’t register the punch line… because there wasn’t one. You were being decent to him and he didn’t know what to do except awkwardly fumble for the yellow-paged, bent up, and old-from-use book.
You gently grabbed the book from his paper-white hand, knuckles brushing for a split second before you hummed in response to the title you vaguely recognized. DART By: Alice Oswald
“This is the one with the river, right?” You muttered as you traced the intricate cover, flipping it over to see the back.
“Yeah the uhm, it’s the one with the river.” He gaped at you as you gently traced his book with your fingertips.
He didn’t think you would know (or care about) what he was reading, not even his mom seemed to bother to notice what he was always focused on in the mornings.
You handed the book back in his direction and offered a warm smile.
“I’m Y/N, by the way. We have English together.” You kept your hand out held after he took the book back from you, a small peace offering.
He wiped his hand on his jeans before grasping yours hesitantly.
“Yeah sorry, I just hate all those people… not you! I just don’t like being around them so I ignore ‘em.” He shrugged sheepishly, watching as your eyes lit up as you got an idea.
“Just make it up to me then. Buy me a coffee and tell me about your book.”
“Are you, like, sure you wanna be seen with the emo stoner kid?”
“Depends,” his disappointment was evident, “Are you an emo stoner kid or did you just start accepting the labels?”
He fell in love right then and there… you know in like the metaphorical way. I wouldn’t just instantly fall in love with someone don’t be an idiot, Connor.
“So it characterizes a river?” You asked over the small white mug full of steaming cocoa he had bought you.
It had been four long days since your encounter and you were finally off work and available to be taken out for coffee. In English, he kept trying to figure out what things you like in your coffee and what books you read etc. He wasn’t used to being interested in someone else’s preferences, but watching you try and explain thing the character’s turmoil in your recent book made him enamored with your brain. Every sentence seemed to flow so elegantly from brain to your voice, it was peaceful to listen to you.
“Yeah but it’s like, oddly poetic? It’s weird.” He shrugged and focused n the dark liquid sloshing around in his mug.
“Tell me more.” You reached for his hand and his head shot up confusedly.
The look in your eyes was full of curiosity and determination, how could he say no?
The rest of the evening the both of you were entranced by each other’s conversations and ideas about anything and everything ranging from favorite authors to how his nails were painted a dark navy blue other than the usual black. Explanation: He lost the black nail polish and didn’t want to ask Zoe, his sister.
Your mugs may have been empty, but your stomachs and brains were full of warmth.
“Hi, welcome to ‘The Authors Attic’ is there anything you’re looking f- Connor!” you chirped from your stool behind the counter, getting up and walking over to him.
“hi.” He said breezily while watching you walk towards him. He took in your uniform, a dark blue lanyard hanging from your neck with a big employee sticker hanging from it. On the part that wrapped around your neck pins were placed haphazardly reading either ‘books!’, or a cute quote. The one that made him give a ghost of a smile, however, was the one right near your heart reading ‘I have a degree in being a bookworm!’
“OH!” You hopped and clapped your hands, “I just found something in the newest shipment I think you might like…” you ran back behind your desk and bent down under the tabletop. Victoriously, you pulled out a small paperback book. An Ember in the Ashes printed in big gold letters.
“Okay, so it isn’t poetry but its one of my favorites and there are some really good one-liners and uh…” You saw his blank expression and retreated back inside your mental shell.
“It was just an idea, you don’t have to read it or anything. Sorry.”
He was confused at your sudden change of demeanor and then realized he was still in the same spot he was when he came in, not even bothering to walk up to the counter with you. He probably looked disinterested.
“No! I was just surprised is all. Oh, and stop apologizing for being adorable.” He mumbled the rest under his breath after ‘apologizing.’
“Sor- I mean, okay. Here.” He was standing at the counter now and you handed the book towards him. Your knuckles brushed again and he felt the tips of his ears grow warm.
“Thank you, really. Not many people care enough to see stuff and think I would like it.”
“Consider me the exception that shows decent human affection then.” You smiled sadly and sighed.
When he got home that night, he never read a book faster in his life.
He didn’t come to school the next day.
He didn’t come to the bookstore the next day either.
You were left alone at both.
You tried not to worry about it, he missed school all the time! Even when he didn’t come to school you would always see him at the bookshop, regardless if he had a cold or smelt like smoke. There was nothing you could do, so you sat and reorganized books; once by color and once by authors name. You ran your finger across the spines of the books in boredom until one caught your eye.
DART By: Alice Oswald
You sat down behind the front desk and read.
A week later and still no Connor. you sighed and stood on the ladder trying to reposition the books when your foot slipped, you yelped and felt something try and catch you but you both ended up on the floor groaning in pain.
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, sir!” You yelped as you leaped up from on top of whoever tried to catch you.
“Not to alarm you, but I think you literally just fell for me.”
You looked up in shock at the tall boy with hi- Connor,
“Connor? You’ve been gone for a week!” You yelped as you stepped closer and hugged the lanky boy.
“Oh you, well, I didn’t think you would notice… I got grounded so I couldn’t really stop by.” He said timidly as he slowly reciprocated your hug, arms gently placed on your lower back.
“Of course I noticed! I was…” you trailed off and shook your head as if it would erase what you had begun to say.
“What?” He pulled away and held you at arms distance, hands on your shoulders as he looked at you concerned.
“I was, um… I was lonely,” you squeaked as you rubbed your arms awkwardly.
He opened his mouth to say something and closed again, furrowing his eyebrows and scowling confusedly.
“Forget it. Oh hey! I read DART!” You tried desperately to change the subject as you skipped towards the counter.
He followed you, still confused as hell, as you dragged him along with you. How were you lonely? You were nice and smart and interesting, you had to have friends! Is it possible you’re somehow like him? Lonely and desperate for any sign of affection that you go to books for comfort? Holy fuck you probably were like him! But you were so…You! And he was so…
“Here,” you slid the book over the counter. “I thought maybe we could discuss it or something… Maybe at the café here!” you said excitedly.
He nodded confused and stared at the fresh copy.
You retreated from him, scared you were being too enthusiastic.
“You don’t have to! I just had a nice time last week and thought maybe we could…” you rambled off as your voice rose to an embarrassed squeak.
“You read it?” He whispered in disbelief as he traced the cover with his finger.
You gulped and nodded so fast he thought your head might fall off.
The hope and admiration in his eyes was beautiful, but his eyes themselves; don’t get yourself started. They were cold, but not without feeling. Sometimes he would notice when you were staring and raise his guard back up, but you always saw the isolation, regardless. His eyes were a cold blue, and his right eye had a streak of brown cutting the ice of his eyes with warmth.
“When are you free?”
“Oh! Uh, in like 10 minutes, actually.” You said as you quirked your head sideways to look at the clock behind him.
“I’ll go order the coffees then.” He did that ghostly smile you had grown so fond of after not seeing it for so long.
“It’s a date!” you giggled after him as he stalked off towards the café.
“It’s a date? I mean, yeah. It’s a date.” He stuttered out as he turned around to look at your fading figure as he kept walking backwards.
Once the coffee was gone and it was getting late he took you by surprise.
“Can I walk you home? Since this is a date and all.” He asked as he gently placed his hand out towards you, trying not to scare you away.
To his relief and to your hearts consistent fluttering; you held it.
“So you said you were lonely earlier, but how? You’re normal.”
You squeezed his hand tightly, mentally deciding if you should actually open up to this boy you’ve known for a few months.
“Well, Mister outcast, I’m not who you peg me to be.” You replied lowly.
“Then who should I think you are?” he scoffed, almost bitter.
“Did you ever notice the girl who reads in the corner of your English class? Or ever stop to look at the people who accidentally bump into you in the halls? I’m like the ghost of that shitty school.” You laughed at yourself and continued.
“I’m the girl who is vaguely recognizable. If I didn’t show up for a week no one would notice! I mean, ask around at school for me and all you would get was a faint recognition of my name.” You sighed and looked over at him.
“I would notice.” He said softly as he rubbed his thumb across the top of yours.
“Why?” was all you could really say. It was all your mind could think of.
Then it was all too fast but the look he gave you after you said that… you couldn’t help yourself. You grabbed his face and gently leaned in, waiting for any sign of permission. He nodded lightly and closed the distance between your faces. It was like a mixture of sorrow and longing and love, it overwhelmed you, but the good kind.
And you were happy and kissing and he was happy and kissing back. Happy wasn’t something Connor was used too, but he knew what it was as soon as you leaned in. You were gentle and kind and you made an effort to know him, something he couldn’t say about his own dad.
You pulled away breathless and smiling from cheek to cheek. He relished in the sight of the pretty girl who loves to read so close to him, having just kissed him and breathless. He smiled back at you; not the ghost smile you would occasionally see but a full, nose crinkled and eyes almost shut smile that he reserved for no one. Well, until you.
Then he did what you would’ve least expected the tall boy in dark clothes with high cheekbones who loves to read to do, he pecked your cheek and whispered really softly;
“I know you fell for me earlier but I think I prefer this way of showing it instead.”