Number of words: 5,032 kill me please Saeran Choi x Reader Enjoy or at least try to
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“Hey, are you feeling hot? The temperature is hot! Wait a moment, there’s an ice cream truck over there, I will bring us some!”
“Whatever you wish, princess.”
The girl beamed happily, untangling her hand from his fingers. In a blink of an eye, she was already running in the truck’s direction.
He suddenly heard tires’ squeal and his head instantly turned towards the racing car. The girl froze in her spot.
The instinct was faster than his thoughts.
His only purpose was to push her out of the road. Everything happened so quickly that he didn’t even manage to acknowledge his own action.
The whole scene lasted a mere few seconds.
And then everything went black.
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“[Name]… [Name]. Calm down, [Name].” Saeyoung grabbed your wrist and turned you towards him. His hands were on your cheeks now, making you look at him. Your face was covered in tears and you couldn’t even breathe at this point.
“Saeyoung, it’s… This… is my fault… T-this is my fucking fault, h-he’s… W-what if he…”
“Please, calm down, [Name].” You tried to move away from him, but he held you in place, his eyes staring deep into yours. You could see he was as terrified as you now, but you panicking was much enough and so he managed to keep his head. “[Name], breathe.”
He kept repeating your name over and over unless you finally gave up. The tears started streaming down your cheeks and you sobbed helplessly, finding little comfort in the boy’s embrace.
Your heart was clenching in your chest and you felt as if the whole world just collapsed onto you. Your mind was filled with dark thoughts and never in your life were you so scared.
The door of the operating room suddenly opened and your head instantly turned towards the doctor that went out. He was clearly tired and his coat was stained with blood. The view made you feel sick.
He went closer to you two, taking off his gloves and wiping the sweat from his forehead.
“Are you his family…?”
“I’m his brother” Saeyoung stated right away. You couldn’t help but peeked towards the operating room, but the door automatically closed and you couldn’t see anything.
“He’s lost a lot of blood, but it wasn’t critical… His ribs are broken and there was a danger they’d pierce his lungs, but fortunately it didn’t happen. His head though… He has a TBI, we’re not sure how serious it is yet, so…” He sighed softly, looking at you. He smiled weakly, probably trying to comfort you. “His life is not in danger right now, but he’s still uncounscious. We moved him to another ward and he’s under constant watch, but for for the next few days we can’t let any guests in, he needs to rest…”
“We’re his family” Saeyoung suddenly stated. “I understand we can’t see him now, but tomorrow…”
The doctor sighed.
“Only a few minutes for the closest family, but that’s all I can offer.”
“Only the closest family. Excuse me now.” He bowed politely and left, not saying anything else.
For a few minutes, there was that painful silence. You couldn’t blame Saeyoung for being able to see his brother, but there was nothing more painful right now than the fact that you couldn’t see him. Even if he probably wouldn’t be able to talk, to see you…
And the guilt hurt even more.
Yet you couldn’t do anything but wait.
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The first day, you’ve spent trying to calm down and distract yourself. Saeyoung would never leave your side, offering everything you’d need. It helped you feel better, but at the same time… you felt bad because you were the cause of all that and yet he managed to comfort you. You - the person who was responsible for his beloved brother’s injury. It felt just wrong.
The second day, Saeyoung went to the hospital. You insisted on going with him and at least waiting in front of the building till he finished the visit, but he told you it’ll be better if you stay at home and take a nap till he comes back and tell you how is Saeran doing.
Later, you heard that he hasn’t regained his counsciousness yet and Saeyoung could only stay for a few minutes, so he didn’t find out much. He didn’t say anything more.
The third day was worse than the previous. You didn’t go out of bed for hours and even refused to eat. You knew that Saeran should wake up soon and that with every passing day the chance of him actually waking up is lower. The doctors told you to just wait. But what if there was no point of waiting…?
The fourth day, Saeyoung went to the hospital again. This time, he let you join him and you waited patiently in the main hall. You were still nervous.
But the eleventh day, everything inside you broke again.
The doctors explained that there was something unclear with the results and, just in case, they decided to put him into an induced coma, so that he won’t wake up till they find out what’s going on.
But it was already ten days and your hope was already slipping away. For Saeyoung it wasn’t any easier. Yet, he was strong, trying to carry on doing his work and taking care of you as much as he could. You were the weak one, the one who couldn’t put everything together and who was a wrecked mess. A mess who was slowly slipping into depression.
For the time being, no one let you even enter the room. For a few days, even Saeyoung was forbidded from doing so. Only after the doctors made sure the results are fine by now, he could have his few minutes.
“Saeran, hi…” he said awkwardly, as every single time before. His voice was quiet, as if he was actually afraid of waking the boy up. He still hasn’t woken up. “It’s been… a long time since we’ve seen and…” He sighed deeply. “You can’t imagine how much we miss you… It’s hard for me, but [Name]… she’s… uh, it’s too much for her. So please, Saeran…” His eyes watered and he covered his face with his hands. “Please, wake up…”
And right then, something changed. A slight motion, but he could sense it. He raised his head in an instant, watching and praying so that was not an illusion.
A few minutes passed and the next movement - he was sure now - happened for real. His fingers really moved.
“Saeran…?” he said quietly and his brother’s face twitched.
He ran to the door and told a nurse what just happened, then came back to the bed.
“Can you hear me…?” he asked, touching gently the boy’s shoulder.
He moved. He really did!
The nurse stormed into the room with a doctor right behind her.
“Are you his brother?” the doctor asked and Saeyoung nodded. “Good. We will need you to help him, but since he’s waking up now, he needs a few hours to recover. Please, come back tomorrow.”
“O-okay. But…” he hesitated a bit. “Can I bring someone with me? It’s his girlfriend, I think she could help…”
“Sure, why not.”
As soon as Saeyoung told you the news, you started crying. So many tears have you let out the past two weeks, but those weren’t the bad ones. You felt a blissful relief and - at the same time - couldn’t believe it was true. You almost sunk too deep for anyone to reach you, but it was like a sun ray in a dark cave. It was enough to help you find a way out.
All you wanted to do was to go straight away and see it with your own eyes, but as far as you’ve already gone, you agreed to wait.
That night you couldn’t sleep, nervousness eating you from inside, excitement even stronger at this point.
And, eventually, the morning came.
You calmed down your breath, trying to look stable. Saeyoung placed his hand on your shoulder, smiling calmly. The doctor just talked to you, telling you how to behave. And that they still aren’t sure how much the damage did to his psyche - and so, you should be careful and understanding so that he doesn’t feel any pressure.
“Ready?” Saeyoung smiled at you. You wanted to smile too, but right now you were only a relatively calm, but still mess.
The door opened and you two went inside.
The creaking of the door made the boy laying on the bed stir slightly. He was staring at the window when you entered, but now he looked at you, frowning slightly.
He was pale, his head still in some bandages. An IV was connected to his arm, just like some other beeping devices you’ve seen in TV a few times.
He looked at you, then at his brother.
Saeyoung smiled softly.
“How are you feeling…?”
The boy opened his mouth, but for a few seconds he couldn’t let out a single word, his throat dry and voice - hoarse.
“Sae… young…” he mumbled and the frown deepened. You felt your heart clench at his pained expression, but what happened next, was way worse.
You felt the redhead’s hand tighten on your shoulder.
“Who… is she…?”
Saeyoung’s eyes widened.
Was there any good way to describe how you felt?
Doubtfully. For some reason, the sudden pain in your stomach was way worse than the one you felt when you weren’t sure if Saeran will even live.
It was awful. You instantly found yourself wanting to vomit, or to run away, as far as possible.
What could you do…?
You’ve suddenly felt so lost. As if you shouldn’t be here.
Saeyoung was here, he could help his brother, but you… There was no place for you. You were a stranger now.
All those thoughts stormed through your head in a mere few seconds.
You gulped down your pain.
“I… I will wait outside” you stuttered and stormed out.
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You raised your eyes. In the mirror, you could see Saeyoung’s reflexion. He was standing behind your still trembling form right after you splashed cold water onto your face.
“I think you shouldn’t go into ladies’ room” you laughed, but there was nothing funny in your expression.
“How are you…” Saeyoung started, but he quickly hesitated, realizing that the question is stupid anyway. It was obvious that you felt horrible.
You sighed softly, lowering your head and staring at the sink.
“How is… he feeling?” you asked instead, trying to at least control your voice.
“He’s… good. As good as it’s possible in his state…”
You nodded slowly.
“You… will have to take care of him now.” Your voice was quiet and weak.
Saeyoung grabbed your shoulder, making you turn around and look at him.
“We will have to.”
“I don’t think he’d want a stranger to help him…”
“You’re not a stranger. It’s…” The boy sighed. “The doctor said he needs some time, but his memory… The last thing he remembers is when we were young. He’s lost a few years of memories. But…”
“…” He hesitated. “He doesn’t remember Mint Eye, nor Rika and V. As long as he doesn’t remember that everything, there’s a chance that… recalling anything related should easily trigger the rest of his memories. So the chance that he will recover is really high…”
“…and even bigger if I’m by his side. But if he regains that everything, he will…” You shook your head. “He won’t be as happy as he could be if it all never happened” you realized.
“Maybe it’s better this way…?”
“You know it’s not true…”
“I know what you two went through, but the worst started when you had to leave him… Now you can live as if it never happened, don’t you want it…?”
“If only I could, I would change the past. But the past hasn’t changed. Those things happened and we can’t pretend they did not. Making Saeran believe it would be only a comfortable lie. And if he could choose, I’m sure he’d never want to forget you.”
You looked down, feeling ashamed now. There was truth in Saeyoung’s words and yet, wanting to get Saeran’s memory back sounded like a pointless hope. It was good enough that he lived, how could you expect anything more…?
“[Name]. Let’s go back home now, okay?”
You nodded without a word. The boy grabbed gently your hand and leaded out of the hospital. There was nothing more you could do today.
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Saeyoung smiled, patting your back.
A few days passed and here you were, back in the hospital. You felt almost like the first day when you could come, except for this time, you were less scared, but kind of more nervous, as you didn’t want to accidentally say anything inappropriate.
You were told that you ought to be patient. You knew that any sudden news won’t help a person with amnesia.
“No, but let’s go” you sighed.
You were slowly becoming accustomed to the fact that there was still a far way to go. It wasn’t going to be funny. It probably was going to be even worse than after the whole Mint Eye case and if Saeran somehow regained only a part of his memories, there was a possibility that they’d have to go through the whole rehab from the beginning.
Yet here you were. Ready to do literally anything to help him.
Saeyoung looked at you once more, then nodded and opened the door.
“Hello, brother~” he beamed. Saeran - as before - kept staring at the window. When you two entered, he turned his head right away, looking at him. You gulped, feeling a bit uncomfortable.
“Hi…” He moved his gaze to have a better look on your silhoulette.. “Oh, it’s… you.”
You raised your head, looking back at him. You knew the face he made, he was a bit confused, but curious. It seemed to be a good moment to at least start a talk…
“[Name]” you said quietly. “I’m [Name].” You smiled softly.
Saeran nodded slowly, but the name sounded unfamiliar to him.
“I guess I should remember you…” he said slowly. “The doctors said I’ve lost a bit of… my past… You came here with my brother, so… w-were we close…?”
Your heart clenched in your chest. The gentle smile he made was as uncomfortable and artificial as your own. Was it possible for you two to feel the same at this moment?
“A-a bit…” you stuttered. Saeyoung laid his hand on your shoulder in a reassuring manner.
“She’s our friend” he stated happily.
“We… do have friends…?”
“Yeah, a few” Saeyoung shrugged. “A lot happened. You’ll find out soon.”
An idea suddenly popped in your head.
“Hey, how about I bring some ice cream?” you offered, smiling as cheerfully as you could. “It’s hot here, wait a few minutes, I will be right back!” You almost managed to ran to the door, when…
You stopped instantly and turned around.
Saeran’s hand was in the air, reaching to you. His face suddenly covered in sweat.
“W-what, why not…?” You frowned.
“You… can’t go.”
“It’s dangerous, you will…” He hesitated and let his hand drop onto his lap. You could tell, he was scared and yet, he didn’t know why. “I’m… sorry, I… don’t know, what happened…”
But you already knew. Something clicked. His couldn’t recall it yet, but he knew that there was something.
“Okay.” You smiled softly and came closer. “I will stay.”
He nodded, calming down a bit. Saeyoung observed you two in silence for a moment.
“I will go then” he grinned. “You’re right, it’s really hot!”
You stared at him in shock as he just left, not waiting for anyone’s approval.
That’s how you two were left alone.
You stirred uncomfortably and sat down on a chair next to the bed. For a moment, you avoided his stare, but eventually gave up as he spoke.
“You know why I reacted like this, don’t you?”
Clever boy, you huffed. It was kind of embarrassing to tell him right now, but it couldn’t be helped.
“You could say that… I’m the reason it happened to you” you admitted, feeling your stomach hurt from the words being spoken. Your nervousness kicked in, once again drowning you in guilt.
“Is that… so?” He tilted his head to the side. “I can’t believe that. Tell me what happened, please.”
Well, you never knew Saeran is able to say ‘please’ without either stuttering and blushing or looking like a mad psychopath. He looked surprisingly stable right now.
“It’s… We were on a walk and it was pretty hot… so I told you that I’d go get some ice cream since… you always liked ice cream” you smirked, recalling the moment. “B-but… I wasn’t too wary and a car would hit me…” you looked up at him “…if it wasn’t you who pushed me away.”
Saeran stared at you and you could swear that it lasted forever. As soon as the words were said, you instantly calmed down. He knew. Whatever was to happen now, you finally let it out.
“I’m sorry” He said suddenly and your eyes widened. Was he sorry for…? “I’m sorry that I don’t remember you. You’re important to me, right? I feel so stupid now…”
The door opened and a nurse stepped in.
“I’m sorry, but the visits are over for today. We need to take care of the patient. Please, come back tomorrow.”
You nodded and stood up.
“Good bye, Saeran…” you said and left. You could still feel his eyes on your back, until the door closed behind you.
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“Are you sure he’s fine now?”
“Well, we can’t help him anymore” the doctor stated, smiling slightly. “His family is the only one who can help him recover. He still has to take the medicine, so don’t forget to make sure he’s taking them… For some reason, he’s really unwilling to take anything, we almost had to force him to take it… Well, anyway, he will need to be examined once a while and let us know if anything happens. He still may have some headaches and will need to rest a lot, bu if he happens to faint, make sure to put him to bed. And if it happens more often, bring him here. Okay?”
Saeyoung listened to every word she said, trying to memorize every single remark. He almost couldn’t believe it was over five weeks now. Saeran’s ribs were healed by now, but his brain was, after all, damaged. The memory wouldn’t come back, it only striked once a while, just like when he didn’t want to take the medicine, even if he wasn’t sure why exactly.
He walked back into the room, watching no one other than you helping Saeran change.
“Is that really mine…?” The boy asked doubtfully, staring at his leather jacket.
You smirked, a bit amused by his frown.
“I guess you didn’t like it, but you don’t have anything else and it’s already getting cold outside, so you have no choice.”
“It doesn’t even match my hair…”
“It would if you dyed it back to white.”
“…I had white hair?”
“Didn’t you notice? I cut them a few days ago as it were too long. Didn’t you see it was white?”
“Didn’t observe you.”
“W-wait, w-what is it?” he stuttered, looking at the other thing in your hand.
You raised the thing, staring at it for a while.
“It must have been tangled with the jacket. I figured you wouldn’t want to wear it now, brought it by accident.”
“It’s a fucking collar!”
“Well, you used to wear it before.”
“Am I a dog or something…?”
“Wouldn’t complain if you were.”
“N-nasty” he mumbled, looking away.
You stared at him for a moment.
“Are you sure you don’t want to put it on? It could… remind you of something…”
“I don’t want to.”
“Okay. I will wear it then.”
You smirked playfully, wrapping the choker around your neck and connecting the ends. It was a bit loose, falling almost to your collarbones, as the previous owner was obviously better built at this point.
Saeran stared at you, his cheeks tainting light pink as you smiled widely.
“Does it suit me?”
“… Take it off.”
You pouted and did as said, throwing the choker to your bag so that it wouldn’t get lost.
“I think it looked meowous on you, [Name]” Saeyoung said, patting your back.
“Meow your own business, Saeyoung” you mumbled, a bit embarrassed now.
“Ya ready, brother~?”
Saeyoung’s place was - for Saeran - something completely unfamiliar. No memories appeared when you three entered the house, everything seemed to be new. You really hoped he’d at least instinctively recall where which room is, but it didn’t happen, you had to explain everything from the beginning.
“That’s my room…?” he asked.
You smiled sheepishly. It used to be your room too.
“Yeah. Do you like it?”
“Not bad, I guess.”
“It… changed a bit after the accident, so… I guess you could really not recall it as it is now.” Were you trying to comfort him? Or were you trying to comfort yourself…?
“Why was it different?”
“Hey, the dinner is ready!” Saeyoung’s voice reached you and you turned around, almost running to the kitchen. All to not have to explain it.
You mentally slapped yourself. It was getting harder and harder to pretend that you two were only friends. It’s been almost two weeks since he met you for the ‘first time’. It was visible that he quickly became more comfortable in your presence and it wasn’t even that difficult to act like this. But…
You didn’t want to lie to him. Saeyoungs, as well, was aware that you can’t push it like this forever.
But… what if he actually rejected you? Saying him that you were his girlfriend was almost like a confession. What if he didn’t even like you now…? Without all his memories, the bond between you two didn’t exist. Right now, he knew only as much as he found out through those two weeks. Nothing more.
He didn’t feel anything towards you. It’s possible that he wouldn’t even simply believe that you two used to be so close.
Just like everyone said - you had to wait.
It was the third day. Saeran woke up early with a headache. Sleeping in the room next to his, you could hear him wriggling in the bedsheets. The noise woke you up and you stood up dizzily. You didn’t sleep well lately and so, being woken up after mere few hours of bad dreams wasn’t the best way to make you fully counscious.
You knocked to his door.
“Saeran, are you okay…?”
A muffled whine raeched your ears and you decided to go in.
He was curled in the sheets, covered in sweat. He wasn’t sleeping, but his body shook as his hands reached his ears, covering them as if he was trying to avoid some annoying noise.
“Saeran…?” You came closer carefully, not wanting to startle him. “Saeran, what’s wrong…?”
He turned his head, looking at you. He was panting heavily and you could see tears in his eyes.
“Your head… hurts again?” you asked and he nodded. “Wait a moment, I will bring the pills.”
You rushed to the kitchen and grabbed the medicine the doctor gave you. Along with a cup of water, you came back to Saeran’s room.
He was sitting now, arms wrapped around his legs and face buried in his knees.
You sat on the edge of the bed.
“I brought the pills. How are you feeling?”
He shrugged, not saying anything. You only sighed.
“The doctor said you need to take them, it’s not only about the headache, so…”
“I won’t take them.”
“Huh…?” You frowned. “Saeran…”
Your eyes widened slightly, but you didn’t move.
“Saeran, you need to…”
“I said get out!” he glared at you. “I won’t take any pills so get the fuck out of my sight.”
You flinched, but weren’t going to give up.
“At least drink some water, you’ll feel bet-”
“Are you dumb or something?!”
You shivered at the tone of his voice. It was unpleasant. You knew this tone very well. For the past few months you really thought you’d never get to hear it again…
“Saeran, please, calm down…”
“Stop fucking saying my name!” You didn’t move. You were paralyzed by fear. Pills still in your hand, the cup in the other. The water quivered as your body trembled suddenly. “I don’t want to hear it… It’s terrible…”
“What…?” You were utterly confused.
“It sounds almost like his… It’s all his fault”
Your eyes widened.
“Y-you mean S-Saeyoung…?”
“DON’T EVEN FUCKING MENTION HIS NAME!”
You didn’t even see it coming. Your vision went black for a few seconds as a sudden impact threw you back. The cup broke on the floor next to you as you dropped it, but it was the least important thing right now.
You landed on the floor and for a few seconds were too stunned to even know what happened.
And when you realized that Saeran just hit you, you looked up at him. He stood up and was going towards you. You instantly curled up on the floor, burying your face in your hands. As much as you wanted to stay calm, you couldn’t help but panicked. You knew way too well how bad it may end…
You completely didn’t know what to do though. Your cheek was throbbing in pain. You closed your eyes tightly, preparing yourself for anything that would come next.
He was standing in front of you. You could sense it, he was so close. You could almost hear his rapid breath, but he didn’t say a word.
Instead, after a moment, he backed away. You curiously uncovered your eyes.
He looked so scared now…
“Why… did I do this…?” he asked, his eyes watering up. He tripped over the edge of the bed and fell onto the mattress. The surrounding him aura changed in a second. There was no rage anymore, no hate. Only fear. “I can’t… I can’t recall this but… W-what’s wrong with me…” He hid his face in his hands, his shoulders trembling.
You carefully stood up, unsure what to do. Everything told you to go and comfort him. But you couldn’t ignore the fact that he could snap again any moment…
Damn, why isn’t Saeyoung here? He would for sure know what to do…
You came closer, recalling all the things you had to bear with during his previous rehab. You knew not to touch him unless he lets you, but at the same time, you couldn’t let him feel alone. What’s the most important, you had to be careful. Not only for him, but for yourself.
“Don’t… come closer” he whispered, obviously sensing your presence.
“I will… hurt you.”
“Do you want to hurt me…?”
“No…” His voice creaked.
“So just don’t do this.” You carefully sat next to him and wiped the blood from your cheek.
“I don’t understand… He’s my brother, he’s always been with me… Why do I hate him now…?”
You sighed quietly.
“A lot of… bad things happened. I guess that… until you recall everything, you may feel this way…”
“Did he… leave me? Please, tell me what happened, I need to know…”
He looked at you with teary eyes. You’ve never heard so much despair in his voice. And you felt that you shouldn’t tell him it yet, which meant that you were torn apart… and it hurt. You didn’t know what to do.
“I don’t think I’m the right person to tell you about this…”
“But you’re the only person I trust now… I’m…” His eyes widened, as he seemed to suddenly realize what he did just mere moments ago. “I-I’m sorry, your face…”
“D-does it look that bad?” you panicked a bit, looking around to find a mirror.
You sighed, smiling softly at his confused frown.
“Hey, I literally owe you my life. If some wounds will be a result of helping you out, it’s fine by me.”
And he smiled back. You almost sighed with relief. The smile was slight and weak, but calm. You could feel your heart warm up at this sight. It was okay now.
“You said…” He suddenly seemed to recall something. “When it happened, you said we were on a walk… Did you mean that…” He cleared his throat, looking away awkwardly “…that we were on a date…?”
Your face instantly heatened up. But there was no point in hiding it anymore.
“…” He shyly looked at you again. “S-so we… were t-that close…”
“It must have been terrible for you…” he said quietly, looking down. “Sorry for not realizing it sooner…”
You shrugged slightly.
“It’s not your fault…”
“You think?” He closed his eyes tiredly. “It’s so frustrating…”
You suddenly glanced at the window. It was already morning.
“We should go back to sleep. Espacially you. Does your head still hurt?”
He shook his head.
“No, it’s okay now.” He hesitated a bit, his eyes never looking away from yours. “You’re right. We should go back to sleep.”
You wanted to stand up, but he wrapped his arm around your waist, pulling you down onto the mattress.
“Good night” he mumbled, already closing his eyes.
“What? Can’t I even sleep with my girlfriend?” His eyebrow wiggled and you couldn’t help but blush madly. Was he even serious now…?
“Sleep well, princess.”
Your eyes widened and heart beat faster.
You smiled softly.
“Sleep well, my edgeboy.”
“… How the fuck did you just call me…?”
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I’ve decided to cut it here. It’s already long as hell and I’m not even sure how many of you reached the damn end;; I realized that anything that would happen later, wouldn’t be as important as what I’ve already described and it would kind of kill the tension.
And uh… Please, any feedback will be appreciated. It was the longest english thing I’ve ever written so I really need to know what should I work on.
I figured that angst isn’t the best birthday gift but we all love angst don’t we?