'two peanuts were walking down the street'

Dad Pun Sentence Starters

Send one to my Muse, or alternatively send  👍and my Muse will say one to you!

“What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.”
“Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.”
“A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, ‘Sorry we don’t serve food here.’”
“Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!”
“How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!”
“Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.”
“I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.”
“How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.”
“Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.”
“'Wow, you’re a fart smella…I mean smart fella!”
“I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!”
“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”
“Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.”
“What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.”
“How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.”
“Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.”
“I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.”
“Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.”
“How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.”
“Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.”
“Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.”
“Don’t call me later, call me Dad.”
“What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant”
“Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.”
“What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.”
“Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.”
“What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.”
“I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.”
“The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.”
“This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.”
“5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.”
“Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?”“
"What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.”
“What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.”
“I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.”
“To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide but you can’t run.”
“The rotation of earth really makes my day.”
“I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that’s just nuts.”
“What’s brown and sticky? A stick.”
“I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!”
“Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.”
“Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.”
“A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.”
“I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.”
“Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.”
“I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.”
“People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.”

BTS REACTING TO THEIR S/O FEELING WORTHLESS

Seokjin

“My princess don’t say that!” “You’re so good at a lot of things” “You’re so skilled!”
He would try to compliment you as much as possible and remind you that you’re not worthless.

Yoongi & Namjoon

They’d want to know why you felt that way. “Did anything happen?” “Did someone say something?” “Don’t feel that way I love you so much you’re not worthless.”

Hoseok,Jimin and Taehyung

They’d make a lot of jokes at first just to kinda get your mind off of things. “What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.” “How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!” “Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.” (The last one made me laugh so hard not even kidding)

Jungkook

He wouldn’t really know how to comfort you or how to react. He’ll try to hug you and tell you things like: “That’s not true you’re not worthless.” “Don’t think like that”.

~ADMIN S~
The signs as dad jokes

Aries: “How many apples grow on a tree? All of them”

Taurus: “A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, ‘Sorry we don’t serve food here.’”

Gemini: “How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!”

Cancer: “What did the grape do when it got stepped on? It let out a little wine”

Leo: “What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.”

Virgo: “Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.”

Libra: “Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock jokes? He won the no-bell prize”

Scorpio: “How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, ‘Ribbit, ribbit’ and a horny toad says, ‘Rub it, rub it.’”

Sagittarius: “What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows”

Capricorn: “I’d like to give a shoutout to all sidewalks for keeping us off the streets”

Aquarius: “What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta”

Pisces: “Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything”

Astro Internet Friend AU

i couldn’t add gifs bc my computer is being a bitch so sorry :’) hopefully you all still enjoy ^-^ 

JinJin:

  • ok nerd
  • always makes dad jokes
  • “how are you doing today, jinwoo?”
  • “i know it’s cheesy, but i feel grate.”
  • then he laughs at his own joke for ten minutes
  • and it’s a MESS when mj ends up plopping down beside jinjin and making his own jokes
  • it’s a legit fuckin joke battle

Keep reading

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4/25/14 Blackhawks @ Blues, WCQF Game 5: Marian Hossa fights fists with laughter

#howsaltyissmiffy?

Smiffy is regularly contacted by various mining companies asking to open up a salt mine inside of him.

The reason the oceans are all saltwater is because Smiffy likes to go swimming at the beach.

Smiffy regularly has a small herd of rabbits, gerbils, hamsters, and other such rodents trying to use him as a salt lick.

Smiffy tried to keep pet snails before getting geckos. However, they kept dying whenever he tried to pick them up.

Smiffy once donated a skin sample to medical researchers trying to determine average body composition. His was dismissed as an outlier and was auctioned off. McDonalds bought it and now salts their fries with it. All of them.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted. This one is now known as Alsmiffy.

Smiffy’s value in the Trans-Saharan gold-salt trade would have been approximately 145.7 lbs of pure gold.

Every morning, he drinks a gallon of chlorine and shoves six pounds of sodium up his ass. This sustains the Smiff.

Prior to Medeleev, chemists would use “AS” as shorthand for salt. This notation was derived from the initials of Alex Smith.

Feel free to add your own!