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  • What she says: I'm fine
  • What she means:
  • {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go.Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your fiying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Orge! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My promlems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - - Really tall? -No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts} -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gusps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right, hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me!{Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Ginerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas And getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into yoga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans} -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect ...... place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl can do what she wants to do And that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs} -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. -Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring} -Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry? -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. -You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think she'll be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creacing} -I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. -Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams} {Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars} {Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams} -Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls} -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts} -But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat} -I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. {Fchoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat} -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? -I have helmet hair. -Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take ot off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- - an orge. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -I'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -I don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -Shrek, What are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. -I know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. -That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Our swamp? -You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -I'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawns} -Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I said I like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs} -Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - - {Kissing sounds} -beast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? -Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an orge in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad That's bad When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell} {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we? -Hold the phone. {Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? -Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -{Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -What you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh! -Ahem. -Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chickle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh -Hey! La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's DuLoc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style. -No kidding. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling} {Sighs} -I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -I'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, Shrek? -I, um, I was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. -Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night. {Door creaks} -Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge? -Yeah. An orge. -Hey, where you goin'? -To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings fluttering} -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me? -Donkey! -Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. -I'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs} -I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. {Deep sigh} -Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd I miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. -Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, orge. -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly orge. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! -There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'll never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -I guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - - -Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -I object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -And what do you know about true love? -Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughting} -An orge and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! -You'll beg for death to save you! -No, Shrek! -And as for you, my wife, -Fiona! -I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! -I'm king! {Whistles} -I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah! -Aah! -All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. {Roars} -I'm a donkey on the edge! {Belches} -Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? {Cheering} -Go ahead, Shrek. -Uh, Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? -I - - I love you. -Really? -Really, really. - I love you too. -Aawww! -"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form." -"Take love's true form. Take love's true form." -Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? -Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. -But you ARE beautiful. {Chuckles} -I was hoping this would be a happy ending. I thought love was only true in fairy tales Oy! Meant for someone else but not for me Love was out to get me That's the way it seemed Disappointment haunted all my dreams And then I saw her face Now I'm a believer and not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her If I tried -God bless us, every one. Come on, y'all! Then I saw her face Ha-ha Now I'm a believer Listen! Not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried -Ooh! -Uh! Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Hey! Not a trace Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind -One more time! I'm in love I'm a believer Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey Y'all sing it with me! I Believe I believe People in the back! I believe I'm a believer I believe I believe I believe I believe {Hysterical laughing} -Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. -I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertion Destiny or a slight diversion Now it seems I've got my head on straight I'm a freak an apparition Seems I've made the right decision To try to turn back now it might be too late Now I want to stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna be a millionaire someday But know what it feels like to give it away Watch me march to the beat of my own drum And it's off to the moon and then back again Same old day Same situation My happiness rears back as if to say I wanna stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home......... I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes My heart skips a beat Girl, I feel so alive Please tell me, baby, if all this is true 'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives When we first met I could hardly believe The things that would happen and we could achieve So let's be together for all of our time Oh, girl, I'm so thankful that you are still mine You always consider me like an ugly duckling And treat me like a Nostradamus was why I had to get my shine on I break a little something to keep my mind on 'Cause you had my mind gone Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh Turn the lights on, Come on, baby Let's just rewind the song 'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best years All night long Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh, yeah, yeah I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.............. Everything looks bright Standing in your light Everything feels right What's left is out of sight What's a girl to do I'm telling you You're on my mind I wanna be with you 'Cause when you're standin' next to me It's like wow And all your kisses seem to set me free It's like wow And when we touch it's such a rush I can't get enough It's like- - It's like Ooh-ooh Hey, what It's like wow Ooh-ooh, hey Hey, yeah It's like wow Everything is looking right now, right now It's like wow And I got this feeling This feeling it's just like wow It's just like wow You are all I'm thinking of. Like wow Everything feels right Everything feels right Like wow Everything looks bright All my senses are right Like wow Everything feels right Baby, baby, baby the way I'm feeling you Is like wow There is something that I see In the way you look at me There's a smile There's a truth In your eyes What an unexpected way On this unexpected day Could it be This is where I belong It is you I have loved All long There's no more mystery It is finally clear to me You're the home my heart's searched for So long It is you I have loved All long Whoa, over and over I'm filled with emotion As I look Into your perfect face
tumblr won’t let me put this under a cut, so. thanks @echoflora lmao
SHREK

                                       Written by

                                William Steig & Ted Elliott




                                     SHREK
                         Once upon a time there was a lovely 
                         princess. But she had an enchantment 
                         upon her of a fearful sort which could 
                         only be broken by love's first kiss. 
                         She was locked away in a castle guarded 
                         by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. 
                         Many brave knights had attempted to 
                         free her from this dreadful prison, 
                         but non prevailed. She waited in the 
                         dragon's keep in the highest room of 
                         the tallest tower for her true love 
                         and true love's first kiss. (laughs) 
                         Like that's ever gonna happen. What 
                         a load of - (toilet flush)
               Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his 
               day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go 
               after the ogre.
               NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME
                                     MAN1
                         Think it's in there?

                                     MAN2
                         All right. Let's get it!

                                     MAN1
                         Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that 
                         thing can do to you?
                                     MAN3
                         Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's 
                         bread.
               Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.

                                     SHREK
                         Yes, well, actually, that would be a 
                         giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. 
                         They'll make a suit from your freshly 
                         peeled skin.
                                     MEN
                         No!

                                     SHREK
                         They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the 
                         jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's 
                         quite good on toast.
                                     MAN1
                         Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! 
                         (waves the torch at Shrek.)
               Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The 
               men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long 
               and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the 
               men are in the dark.
                                     SHREK
                         This is the part where you run away. 
                         (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) 
                         And stay out! (looks down and picks 
                         up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. 
                         Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and 
                         throws the paper over his shoulder.)
               THE NEXT DAY

               There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard 
               sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures 
               to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line 
               are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto 
               who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three 
               little pigs.
                                     GUARD
                         All right. This one's full. Take it 
                         away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Next!

                                     GUARD
                         (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! 
                         Your flying days are over. (breaks the 
                         broom in half)
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. 
                         Next!
                                     GUARD
                         Get up! Come on!

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Twenty pieces.

                                     LITTLE BEAR
                         (crying) This cage is too small.

                                     DONKEY
                         Please, don't turn me in. I'll never 
                         be stubborn again. I can change. Please! 
                         Give me another chance!
                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh!

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Next! What have you got?

                                     GIPETTO
                         This little wooden puppet.

                                     PINOCCHIO
                         I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his 
                         nose grows)
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Five shillings for the possessed toy. 
                         Take it away.
                                     PINOCCHIO
                         Father, please! Don't let them do this! 
                         Help me!
               Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up 
               to the table.
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Next! What have you got?

                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Well, I've got a talking donkey.

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, 
                         if you can prove it.
                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Oh, go ahead, little fella.

               Donkey just looks up at her.

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Well?

                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little 
                         nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. 
                         Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
                                     OLD WOMAN
                         No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends 
                         to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to 
                         talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing 
                         you ever saw.
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Get her out of my sight.

                                     OLD WOMAN
                         No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

               The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One 
               of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's 
               hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled 
               with fairy dust and he's able to fly.
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey! I can fly!

                                     PETER PAN
                         He can fly!

                                     3 LITTLE PIGS
                         He can fly!

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         He can talk!

                                     DONKEY
                         Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm 
                         a flying, talking donkey. You might 
                         have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly 
                         but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey 
                         fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins 
                         to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink 
                         to the ground.)
               He hits the ground with a thud.

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) 
                         After him!
                                     GUARDS
                         He's getting away! Get him! This way! 
                         Turn!
               Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. 
               Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared 
               for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He 
               quickly hides behind Shrek.
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         You there. Ogre!

                                     SHREK
                         Aye?

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized 
                         to place you both under arrest and transport 
                         you to a designated resettlement facility.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, really? You and what army?

               He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well 
               and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail 
               and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and 
               begins walking back to his cottage.
                                     DONKEY
                         Can I say something to you? Listen, 
                         you was really, really, really somethin' 
                         back here. Incredible!
                                     SHREK
                         Are you talkin' to...(he turns around 
                         and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back 
                         around and Donkey is right in front 
                         of him.) Whoa!
                                     DONKEY
                         Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell 
                         you that you that you was great back 
                         here? Those guards! They thought they 
                         was all of that. Then you showed up, 
                         and bam! They was trippin' over themselves 
                         like babes in the woods. That really 
                         made me feel good to see that.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, that's great. Really.

                                     DONKEY
                         Man, it's good to be free.

                                     SHREK
                         Now, why don't you go celebrate your 
                         freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
                                     DONKEY
                         But, uh, I don't have any friends. And 
                         I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, 
                         wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll 
                         stick with you. You're mean, green, 
                         fightin' machine. Together we'll scare 
                         the spit out of anybody that crosses 
                         us.
               Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very 
               loudly.
                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you 
                         don't mind me sayin', if that don't 
                         work, your breath certainly will get 
                         the job done, 'cause you definitely 
                         need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause 
                         you breath stinks! You almost burned 
                         the hair outta my nose, just like the 
                         time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey 
                         continues to talk, so Shrek removes 
                         his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten 
                         berries. I had strong gases leaking 
                         out of my butt that day.
                                     SHREK
                         Why are you following me?

                                     DONKEY
                         I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause 
                         I'm all alone, There's no one here beside 
                         me, My problems have all gone, There's 
                         no one to deride me, But you gotta have 
                         faith...
                                     SHREK
                         Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't 
                         have any friends.
                                     DONKEY
                         Wow. Only a true friend would be that 
                         cruelly honest.
                                     SHREK
                         Listen, little donkey. Take a look at 
                         me. What am I?
                                     DONKEY
                         (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really 
                         tall?
                                     SHREK
                         No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your 
                         torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that 
                         bother you?
                                     DONKEY
                         Nope.

                                     SHREK
                         Really?

                                     DONKEY
                         Really, really.

                                     SHREK
                         Oh.

                                     DONKEY
                         Man, I like you. What's you name?

                                     SHREK
                         Uh, Shrek.

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek? Well, you know what I like about 
                         you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me 
                         thing. I like that. I respect that, 
                         Shrek. You all right. (They come over 
                         a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) 
                         Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live 
                         in place like that?
                                     SHREK
                         That would be my home.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. 
                         You know you are quite a decorator. 
                         It's amazing what you've done with such 
                         a modest budget. I like that boulder. 
                         That is a nice boulder. I guess you 
                         don't entertain much, do you?
                                     SHREK
                         I like my privacy.

                                     DONKEY
                         You know, I do too. That's another thing 
                         we have in common. Like I hate it when 
                         you got somebody in your face. You've 
                         trying to give them a hint, and they 
                         won't leave. There's that awkward silence. 
                         (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, what?

                                     DONKEY
                         Can I stay with you, please?

                                     SHREK
                         (sarcastically) Of course!

                                     DONKEY
                         Really?

                                     SHREK
                         No.

                                     DONKEY
                         Please! I don't wanna go back there! 
                         You don't know what it's like to be 
                         considered a freak. (pause while he 
                         looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. 
                         But that's why we gotta stick together. 
                         You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
                                     SHREK
                         Okay! Okay! But one night only.

                                     DONKEY
                         Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)
                                     SHREK
                         What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto 
                         a chair.) No! No!
                                     DONKEY
                         This is gonna be fun! We can stay up 
                         late, swappin' manly stories, and in 
                         the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh!

                                     DONKEY
                         Where do, uh, I sleep?

                                     SHREK
                         (irritated) Outside!

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, 
                         I don't know you, and you don't know 
                         me, so I guess outside is best, you 
                         know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek 
                         slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do 
                         like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was 
                         born outside. I'll just be sitting by 
                         myself outside, I guess, you know. By 
                         myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's 
                         no one here beside me...
               SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

               Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights 
               a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a 
               noise. He stands up with a huff.
                                     SHREK
                         (to Donkey) I thought I told you to 
                         stay outside.
                                     DONKEY
                         (from the window) I am outside.

               There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that 
               made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns 
               and spots 3 blind mice on his table.
                                     BLIND MOUSE1
                         Well, gents, it's a far cry from the 
                         farm, but what choice do we have?
                                     BLIND MOUSE2
                         It's not home, but it'll do just fine.
                                     GORDO
                         (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.
                                     SHREK
                         Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes 
                         and lands on his shoulder.)
                                     GORDO
                         I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's 
                         ear)
                                     SHREK
                         Ow!

                                     GORDO
                         Blah! Awful stuff.

                                     BLIND MOUSE1
                         Is that you, Gordo?

                                     GORDO
                         How did you know?

                                     SHREK
                         Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are 
                         you doing in my house? (He gets bumped 
                         from behind and he drops the mice.) 
                         Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves 
                         with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, 
                         no, no. Dead broad off the table.
                                     DWARF
                         Where are we supposed to put her? The 
                         bed's taken.
                                     SHREK
                         Huh?

               Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. 
               The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at 
               him.
                                     BIG BAD WOLF
                         What?

               TIME LAPSE

               Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging 
               him to the front door.
                                     SHREK
                         I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm 
                         a terrifying ogre! What do I have to 
                         do get a little privacy? (He opens the 
                         front door to throw the Wolf out and 
                         he sees that all the collected Fairy 
                         Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, 
                         no. No! No!
               The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his 
               pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing 
               flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.
                                     SHREK
                         What are you doing in my swamp? (this 
                         echoes and everyone falls silent.)
               Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a 
               tent.
                                     SHREK
                         All right, get out of here. All of you, 
                         move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! 
                         Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more 
                         dwarves run inside the house) No, no! 
                         No, no. Not there. Not there. (they 
                         shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to 
                         look at Donkey)
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite 
                         them.
                                     PINOCCHIO
                         Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

                                     SHREK
                         What?

                                     PINOCCHIO
                         We were forced to come here.

                                     SHREK
                         (flabbergasted) By who?

                                     LITTLE PIG
                         Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed 
                         and he...signed an eviction notice.
                                     SHREK
                         (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where 
                         this Farquaad guy is?
               Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, I do. I know where he is.

                                     SHREK
                         Does anyone else know where to find 
                         him? Anyone at all?
                                     DONKEY
                         Me! Me!

                                     SHREK
                         Anyone?

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! 
                         Me, me!
                                     SHREK
                         (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy 
                         tale things. Do not get comfortable. 
                         Your welcome is officially worn out. 
                         In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad 
                         right now and get you all off my land 
                         and back where you came from! (Pause. 
                         Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) 
                         You! You're comin' with me.
                                     DONKEY
                         All right, that's what I like to hear, 
                         man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart 
                         friends, off on a whirlwind big-city 
                         adventure. I love it!
                                     DONKEY
                         (singing) On the road again. Sing it 
                         with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get 
                         on the road again.
                                     SHREK
                         What did I say about singing?

                                     DONKEY
                         Can I whistle?

                                     SHREK
                         No.

                                     DONKEY
                         Can I hum it?

                                     SHREK
                         All right, hum it.

               Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.

               DULOC - KITCHEN

               A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually 
               dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         That's enough. He's ready to talk.
               The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down 
               onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the 
               table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes 
               up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs 
                         and plays with them) Run, run, run, 
                         as fast as you can. You can't catch 
                         me. I'm the gingerbread man.
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         You are a monster.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         I'm not the monster here. You are. You 
                         and the rest of that fairy tale trash, 
                         poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell 
                         me! Where are the others?
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's 
                         eye.)
                                     FARQUAAD
                         I've tried to be fair to you creatures. 
                         Now my patience has reached its end! 
                         Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to 
                         pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop 
                         buttons.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         All right then. Who's hiding them?
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the 
                         muffin man?
                                     FARQUAAD
                         The muffin man?

                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         The muffin man.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives 
                         on Drury Lane?
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         Well, she's married to the muffin man.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         The muffin man?

                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         The muffin man!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         She's married to the muffin man.

               The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         My lord! We found it.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Then what are you waiting for? Bring 
                         it in.
               More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. 
               They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic 
               Mirror.
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         (in awe) Ohhhh...

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Magic mirror...

                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks 
                         him up and dumps him into a trash can 
                         with a lid.) No!
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. 
                         Is this not the most perfect kingdom 
                         of them all?
                                     MIRROR
                         Well, technically you're not a king.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a 
                         hand mirror and smashes it with his 
                         fist.) You were saying?
                                     MIRROR
                         What I mean is you're not a king yet. 
                         But you can become one. All you have 
                         to do is marry a princess.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Go on.

                                     MIRROR
                         (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back 
                         and relax, my lord, because it's time 
                         for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. 
                         And here they are! Bachelorette number 
                         one is a mentally abused shut-in from 
                         a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi 
                         and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies 
                         include cooking and cleaning for her 
                         two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. 
                         (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette 
                         number two is a cape-wearing girl from 
                         the land of fancy. Although she lives 
                         with seven other men, she's not easy. 
                         Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and 
                         find out what a live wire she is. Come 
                         on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows 
                         picture of Snow White) And last, but 
                         certainly not last, bachelorette number 
                         three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded 
                         castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! 
                         But don't let that cool you off. She's 
                         a loaded pistol who likes pina colads 
                         and getting caught in the rain. Yours 
                         for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows 
                         picture of Princess Fiona) So will it 
                         be bachelorette number one, bachelorette 
                         number two or bachelorette number three?
                                     GUARDS
                         Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Three? One? Three?

                                     THELONIUS
                         Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number 
                         three, my lord!
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Okay, okay, uh, number three!

                                     MIRROR
                         Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess 
                         Fiona.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I 
                         have to do is just find someone who 
                         can go...
                                     MIRROR
                         But I probably should mention the little 
                         thing that happens at night.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         I'll do it.

                                     MIRROR
                         Yes, but after sunset...

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona 
                         my queen, and DuLoc will finally have 
                         the perfect king! Captain, assemble 
                         your finest men. We're going to have 
                         a tournament. (smiles evilly)
               DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section

               Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking 
               lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.
                                     DONKEY
                         But that's it. That's it right there. 
                         That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.
                                     SHREK
                         So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.
                                     DONKEY
                         Uh-huh. That's the place.

                                     SHREK
                         Do you think maybe he's compensating 
                         for something? (He laughs, but then 
                         groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. 
                         He continues walking through the parking 
                         lot.)
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

                                     MAN
                         Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
                                     SHREK
                         Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing 
                         a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, 
                         screams and begins running through the 
                         rows of rope to get to the front gate 
                         to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. 
                         Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just 
                         - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins 
                         walking straight through the rows. The 
                         attendant runs into a wall and falls 
                         down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then 
                         continue on into DuLoc.)
               DULOC

               They look around but all is quiet.

                                     SHREK
                         It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, look at this!

               Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box 
               marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors 
               open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin 
               to sing.
                                     WOODEN PEOPLE
                         Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town
               Here we have some rules

               Let us lay them down

               Don't make waves, stay in line

               And we'll get along fine

               DuLoc is perfect place

               Please keep off of the grass

               Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

               DuLoc is, DuLoc is

               DuLoc is perfect place.

               Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.

                                     DONKEY
                         Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready 
                         to run over and pull the lever again)
                                     SHREK
                         (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) 
                         No. No. No, no, no! No.
               They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Brave knights. You are the best and 
                         brightest in all the land. Today one 
                         of you shall prove himself...
               As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena 
               Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.
                                     SHREK
                         All right. You're going the right way 
                         for a smacked bottom.
                                     DONKEY
                         Sorry about that.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         That champion shall have the honor - 
                         - no, no - - the privilege to go forth 
                         and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona 
                         from the fiery keep of the dragon. If 
                         for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, 
                         the first runner-up will take his place 
                         and so on and so forth. Some of you 
                         may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing 
                         to make. (cheers) Let the tournament 
                         begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is 
                         that? It's hideous!
                                     SHREK
                         (turns to look at Donkey and then back 
                         at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. 
                         It's just a donkey.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who 
                         kills the ogre will be named champion! 
                         Have it him!
                                     MEN
                         Get him!

                                     SHREK
                         Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps 
                         into a table where there are mugs of 
                         beer)
                                     CROWD
                         Go ahead! Get him!

                                     SHREK
                         (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just 
                         settle this over a pint?
                                     CROWD
                         Kill the beast!

                                     SHREK
                         No? All right then. (drinks the beer) 
                         Come on!
               He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel 
               of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the 
               other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides 
               past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. 
               As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger 
               beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. 
               Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much 
               fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice 
               to say that Shrek kicks butt.
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

               Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek 
               gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah!

               A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time 
               and sees him.
                                     WOMAN
                         The chair! Give him the chair!

               Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men 
               are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding 
               sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you 
                         very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try 
                         the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)
               The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on 
               Shrek.
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Shall I give the order, sir?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         No, I have a better idea. People of 
                         DuLoc, I give you our champion!
                                     SHREK
                         What?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Congratulations, ogre. You're won the 
                         honor of embarking on a great and noble 
                         quest.
                                     SHREK
                         Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest 
                         to get my swamp back.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Your swamp?

                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those 
                         fairy tale creatures!
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you 
                         a deal. Go on this quest for me, and 
                         I'll give you your swamp back.
                                     SHREK
                         Exactly the way it was?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
                                     SHREK
                         And the squatters?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         As good as gone.

                                     SHREK
                         What kind of quest?

               Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field 
               heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.
                                     DONKEY
                         Let me get this straight. You're gonna 
                         go fight a dragon and rescue a princess 
                         just so Farquaad will give you back 
                         a swamp which you only don't have because 
                         he filled it full of freaks in the first 
                         place. Is that about right?
                                     SHREK
                         You know, maybe there's a good reason 
                         donkeys shouldn't talk.
                                     DONKEY
                         I don't get it. Why don't you just pull 
                         some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle 
                         him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds 
                         his bones to make your bread, the whole 
                         ogre trip.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have 
                         decapitated an entire village and put 
                         their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, 
                         cut open their spleen and drink their 
                         fluids. Does that sound good to you?
                                     DONKEY
                         Uh, no, not really, no.

                                     SHREK
                         For your information, there's a lot 
                         more to ogres than people think.
                                     DONKEY
                         Example?

                                     SHREK
                         Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. 
                         (he holds out his onion)
                                     DONKEY
                         (sniffs the onion) They stink?

                                     SHREK
                         Yes - - No!

                                     DONKEY
                         They make you cry?

                                     SHREK
                         No!

                                     DONKEY
                         You leave them in the sun, they get 
                         all brown, start sproutin' little white 
                         hairs.
                                     SHREK
                         No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres 
                         have layers! Onions have layers. You 
                         get it? We both have layers. (he heaves 
                         a sigh and then walks off)
                                     DONKEY
                         (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both 
                         have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, 
                         not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody 
                         loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
                                     SHREK
                         I don't care... what everyone likes. 
                         Ogres are not like cakes.
                                     DONKEY
                         You know what else everybody likes? 
                         Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, 
                         you say, "Let's get some parfait," they 
                         say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? 
                         Parfaits are delicious.
                                     SHREK
                         No! You dense, irritating, miniature 
                         beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! 
                         And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
                                     DONKEY
                         Parfaits may be the most delicious thing 
                         on the whole damn planet.
                                     SHREK
                         You know, I think I preferred your humming.
                                     DONKEY
                         Do you have a tissue or something? I'm 
                         making a mess. Just the word parfait 
                         make me start slobbering.
               They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through 
               a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying 
               to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, 
               so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.
               DRAGON'S KEEP

               Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to 
               house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.
                                     DONKEY
                         (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? 
                         You gotta warn somebody before you just 
                         crack one off. My mouth was open and 
                         everything.
                                     SHREK
                         Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd 
                         be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We 
                         must be getting close.
                                     DONKEY
                         Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking 
                         about it's the brimstone. I know what 
                         I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It 
                         didn't come off no stone neither.
               They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There 
               is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where 
               the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very 
               foreboding.
                                     SHREK
                         Sure, it's big enough, but look at the 
                         location. (laughs...then the laugh turns 
                         into a groan)
                                     DONKEY
                         Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said 
                         ogres have layers?
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, aye.

                                     DONKEY
                         Well, I have a bit of a confession to 
                         make. Donkeys don't have layers. We 
                         wear our fear right out there on our 
                         sleeves.
                                     SHREK
                         Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.
                                     DONKEY
                         You know what I mean.

                                     SHREK
                         You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
                                     DONKEY
                         No, I'm just a little uncomfortable 
                         about being on a rickety bridge over 
                         a boiling like of lava!
                                     SHREK
                         Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside 
                         ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll 
                         just tackle this thing together one 
                         little baby step at a time.
                                     DONKEY
                         Really?

                                     SHREK
                         Really, really.

                                     DONKEY
                         Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
                                     SHREK
                         Just keep moving. And don't look down.
                                     DONKEY
                         Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. 
                         Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't 
                         look down. (he steps through a rotting 
                         board and ends up looking straight down 
                         into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! 
                         Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me 
                         off, please!
                                     SHREK
                         But you're already halfway.

                                     DONKEY
                         But I know that half is safe!

                                     SHREK
                         Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. 
                         You go back.
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, no! Wait!

                                     SHREK
                         Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance 
                         then, shall me? (bounces and sways the 
                         bridge)
                                     DONKEY
                         Don't do that!

                                     SHREK
                         Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces 
                         the bridge again)
                                     DONKEY
                         Yes, that!

                                     SHREK
                         Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to 
                         bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across 
                         the bridge)
                                     DONKEY
                         No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

                                     SHREK
                         You said do it! I'm doin' it.

                                     DONKEY
                         I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, 
                         I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) 
                         Oh!
                                     SHREK
                         That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks 
                         towards the castle)
                                     DONKEY
                         Cool. So where is this fire-breathing 
                         pain-in-the-neck anyway?
                                     SHREK
                         Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. 
                         (chuckles)
                                     DONKEY
                         I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
               INSIDE THE CASTLE
                                     DONKEY
                         You afraid?

                                     SHREK
                         No.

                                     DONKEY
                         But...

                                     SHREK
                         Shh.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton 
                         and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong 
                         with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible 
                         response to an unfamiliar situation. 
                         Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might 
                         add. With a dragon that breathes fire 
                         and eats knights and breathes fire, 
                         it sure doesn't mean you're a coward 
                         if you're a little scared. I sure as 
                         heck ain't no coward. I know that.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. 
                         Now go over there and see if you can 
                         find any stairs.
                                     DONKEY
                         Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for 
                         the princess.
                                     SHREK
                         (putting on a helmet) The princess will 
                         be up the stairs in the highest room 
                         in the tallest tower.
                                     DONKEY
                         What makes you think she'll be there?
                                     SHREK
                         I read it in a book once. (walks off)
                                     DONKEY
                         Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle 
                         the stairs. I'll find those stairs. 
                         I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs 
                         won't know which way they're goin'. 
                         (walks off)
               EMPTY ROOM

               Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.
                                     DONKEY
                         I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it 
                         to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm 
                         the stair master. I've mastered the 
                         stairs. I wish I had a step right here. 
                         I'd step all over it.
               ELSEWHERE

               Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.

                                     SHREK
                         Well, at least we know where the princess 
                         is, but where's the...
                                     DONKEY
                         (os) Dragon!

               Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. 
               Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon 
               breathes fire.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, look out! (he manages to get 
                         a hold of the dragons tail and holds 
                         on) Got ya!
               The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek 
               goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the 
               tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying 
               on the floor.
                                     DONKEY
                         Oh! Aah! Aah!

               Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small 
               part of the bridge he's on.
                                     DONKEY
                         No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, 
                         what large teeth you have. (the dragon 
                         growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. 
                         I know you probably hear this all time 
                         from your food, but you must bleach, 
                         'cause that is one dazzling smile you 
                         got there. Do I detect a hint of minty 
                         freshness? And you know what else? You're 
                         - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! 
                         I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. 
                         You're just reeking of feminine beauty. 
                         (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes 
                         at him) What's the matter with you? 
                         You got something in your eye? Ohh. 
                         Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, 
                         but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon 
                         blows a smoke ring in the shape of a 
                         heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm 
                         an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd 
                         work out if you're gonna blow smoke 
                         rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him 
                         up with her teeth and carries him off) 
                         No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
               FIONA'S ROOM

               Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona 
               so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She 
               then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off 
               the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. 
               Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for 
               a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders 
               and shakes her away.
                                     FIONA
                         Oh! Oh!

                                     SHREK
                         Wake up!

                                     FIONA
                         What?

                                     SHREK
                         Are you Princess Fiona?

                                     FIONA
                         I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to 
                         rescue me.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

                                     FIONA
                         But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our 
                         first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, 
                         romantic moment?
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
                                     FIONA
                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should 
                         sweep me off my feet out yonder window 
                         and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
                                     SHREK
                         You've had a lot of time to plan this, 
                         haven't you?
                                     FIONA
                         (smiles) Mm-hmm.

               Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down 
               the hallway.
                                     FIONA
                         But we have to savor this moment! You 
                         could recite an epic poem for me. A 
                         ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
                                     SHREK
                         I don't think so.

                                     FIONA
                         Can I at least know the name of my champion?
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, Shrek.

                                     FIONA
                         Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds 
                         out a handkerchief) I pray that you 
                         take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
                                     SHREK
                         Thanks!

               Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.

                                     FIONA
                         (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?
                                     SHREK
                         It's on my to-do list. Now come on! 
                         (takes off running and drags Fiona behind 
                         him.)
                                     FIONA
                         But this isn't right! You were meant 
                         to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. 
                         That's what all the other knights did.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
                                     FIONA
                         That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly 
                         stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek 
                         ignores her and heads for a wooden door 
                         off to the side.) Wait. Where are you 
                         going? The exit's over there.
                                     SHREK
                         Well, I have to save my ass.

                                     FIONA
                         What kind of knight are you?

                                     SHREK
                         One of a kind. (opens the door into 
                         the throne room)
                                     DONKEY
                         (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. 
                         I believe it's healthy to get to know 
                         someone over a long period of time. 
                         Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs 
                         worriedly) (we see him up close and 
                         from a distance as Shrek sneaks into 
                         the room) I don't want to rush into 
                         a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally 
                         ready for a commitment of, uh, this 
                         - - Magnitude really is the word I'm 
                         looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that 
                         is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what 
                         are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just 
                         back up a little and take this one step 
                         at a time. We really should get to know 
                         each other first as friends or pen pals. 
                         I'm on the road a lot, but I just love 
                         receiving cards - - I'd really love 
                         to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's 
                         my tail! That's my personal tail. You're 
                         gonna tear it off. I don't give permission 
                         - - What are you gonna do with that? 
                         Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. 
                         No, no, no. No! Oh!
               Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings 
               toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks 
               up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. 
               He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps 
               Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. 
               Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and 
               roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto 
               her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms 
               a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey 
               take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and 
               then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.
                                     DONKEY
                         Hi, Princess!

                                     FIONA
                         It talks!

                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's 
                         the trick.
               They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots 
               a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a 
               crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His 
               eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles 
               off and walks lightly.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh!

               Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.
                                     SHREK
                         Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll 
                         take care of the dragon.
               Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the 
               castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping 
               chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that 
               is still around the dragons neck.
                                     SHREK
                         (echoing) Run!

               They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot 
               pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons 
               breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on 
               for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They 
               are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look 
               in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to 
               get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the 
               dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs 
               quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a 
               sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.
                                     FIONA
                         (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You 
                         did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. 
                         (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) 
                         You're - - You're wonderful. You're... 
                         (turns and sees Shrek fall down the 
                         hill and bump into Donkey) a little 
                         unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed 
                         is great, and thy heart is pure. I am 
                         eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears 
                         his throat.) And where would a brave 
                         knight be without his noble steed?
                                     DONKEY
                         I hope you heard that. She called me 
                         a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.
                                     FIONA
                         The battle is won. You may remove your 
                         helmet, good Sir Knight.
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, no.

                                     FIONA
                         Why not?

                                     SHREK
                         I have helmet hair.

                                     FIONA
                         Please. I would'st look upon the face 
                         of my rescuer.
                                     SHREK
                         No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

                                     FIONA
                         But how will you kiss me?

                                     SHREK
                         What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the 
                         job description.
                                     DONKEY
                         Maybe it's a perk.

                                     FIONA
                         No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know 
                         how it goes. A princess locked in a 
                         tower and beset by a dragon is rescued 
                         by a brave knight, and then they share 
                         true love's first kiss.
                                     DONKEY
                         Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. 
                         Wait. You think that Shrek is you true 
                         love?
                                     FIONA
                         Well, yes.

               Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.

                                     DONKEY
                         You think Shrek is your true love!
                                     FIONA
                         What is so funny?

                                     SHREK
                         Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: 
                         Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. 
                         Now - - Now remove your helmet.
                                     SHREK
                         Look. I really don't think this is a 
                         good idea.
                                     FIONA
                         Just take off the helmet.

                                     SHREK
                         I'm not going to.

                                     FIONA
                         Take it off.

                                     SHREK
                         No!

                                     FIONA
                         Now!

                                     SHREK
                         Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. 
                         (takes off his helmet)
                                     FIONA
                         You- - You're a- - an ogre.

                                     SHREK
                         Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.
                                     FIONA
                         Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is 
                         all wrong. You're not supposed to be 
                         an ogre.
                                     SHREK
                         Princess, I was sent to rescue you by 
                         Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who 
                         wants to marry you.
                                     FIONA
                         Then why didn't he come rescue me?
                                     SHREK
                         Good question. You should ask him that 
                         when we get there.
                                     FIONA
                         But I have to be rescued by my true 
                         love, not by some ogre and his- - his 
                         pet.
                                     DONKEY
                         Well, so much for noble steed.

                                     SHREK
                         You're not making my job any easier.
                                     FIONA
                         I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. 
                         You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he 
                         wants to rescue me properly, I'll be 
                         waiting for him right here.
                                     SHREK
                         Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all 
                         right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. 
                         (he swiftly picks her up and swings 
                         her over his shoulder like she was a 
                         sack of potatoes)
                                     FIONA
                         You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

                                     SHREK
                         Ya comin', Donkey?

                                     DONKEY
                         I'm right behind ya.

                                     FIONA
                         Put me down, or you will suffer the 
                         consequences! This is not dignified! 
                         Put me down!
               WOODS

               A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just 
               hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.
                                     DONKEY
                         Okay, so here's another question. Say 
                         there's a woman that digs you, right, 
                         but you don't really like her that way. 
                         How do you let her down real easy so 
                         her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't 
                         get burned to a crisp and eaten?
                                     FIONA
                         You just tell her she's not your true 
                         love. Everyone knows what happens when 
                         you find your...(Shrek drops her on 
                         the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to 
                         DuLoc the better.
                                     DONKEY
                         You're gonna love it there, Princess. 
                         It's beautiful!
                                     FIONA
                         And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? 
                         What's he like?
                                     SHREK
                         Let me put it this way, Princess. Men 
                         of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. 
                         (he and Donkey laugh)
               Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off 
               the dust and grime.
                                     DONKEY
                         I don't know. There are those who think 
                         little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: 
                         Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're 
                         just jealous you can never measure up 
                         to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. 
                         But I'll let you do the "measuring" 
                         when you see him tomorrow.
                                     FIONA
                         (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? 
                         It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop 
                         to make camp?
                                     SHREK
                         No, that'll take longer. We can keep 
                         going.
                                     FIONA
                         But there's robbers in the woods.

                                     DONKEY
                         Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting 
                         to sound good.
                                     SHREK
                         Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything 
                         we're going to see in this forest.
                                     FIONA
                         I need to find somewhere to camp now!
               Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.
               MOUNTAIN CLIFF

               Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves 
               a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.
                                     SHREK
                         Hey! Over here.

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, we can do better than that. I 
                         don't think this is fit for a princess.
                                     FIONA
                         No, no, it's perfect. It just needs 
                         a few homey touches.
                                     SHREK
                         Homey touches? Like what? (he hears 
                         a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona 
                         who has torn the bark off of a tree.)
                                     FIONA
                         A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee 
                         good night. (goes into the cave and 
                         puts the bark door up behind her)
                                     DONKEY
                         You want me to read you a bedtime story? 
                         I will.
                                     FIONA
                         (os) I said good night!

               Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the 
               boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona 
               still inside.
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, What are you doing?

                                     SHREK
                         (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh, 
                         come on. I was just kidding.
               LATER THAT NIGHT

               Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring 
               up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations 
               to Donkey.
                                     SHREK
                         And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, 
                         the only ogre to ever spit over three 
                         wheat fields.
                                     DONKEY
                         Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future 
                         from these stars?
                                     SHREK
                         The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. 
                         They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, 
                         the Flatulent. You can guess what he's 
                         famous for.
                                     DONKEY
                         I know you're making this up.

                                     SHREK
                         No, look. There he is, and there's the 
                         group of hunters running away from his 
                         stench.
                                     DONKEY
                         That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little 
                         dots.
                                     SHREK
                         You know, Donkey, sometimes things are 
                         more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.
                                     DONKEY
                         (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what 
                         we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
                                     SHREK
                         Our swamp?

                                     DONKEY
                         You know, when we're through rescuing 
                         the princess.
                                     SHREK
                         We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's 
                         no "our". There's just me and my swamp. 
                         The first thing I'm gonna do is build 
                         a ten-foot wall around my land.
                                     DONKEY
                         You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real 
                         deep just now. You know what I think? 
                         I think this whole wall thing is just 
                         a way to keep somebody out.
                                     SHREK
                         No, do ya think?

                                     DONKEY
                         Are you hidin' something?

                                     SHREK
                         Never mind, Donkey.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, this is another one of those onion 
                         things, isn't it?
                                     SHREK
                         No, this is one of those drop-it and 
                         leave-it alone things.
                                     DONKEY
                         Why don't you want to talk about it?
                                     SHREK
                         Why do you want to talk about it?

                                     DONKEY
                         Why are you blocking?

                                     SHREK
                         I'm not blocking.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, yes, you are.

                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, I'm warning you.

                                     DONKEY
                         Who you trying to keep out?

                                     SHREK
                         Everyone! Okay?

                                     DONKEY
                         (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. 
                         (grins)
               At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to 
               the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and 
                         walks over to the edge of the cliff 
                         and sits down)
                                     DONKEY
                         What's your problem? What you got against 
                         the whole world anyway?
                                     SHREK
                         Look, I'm not the one with the problem, 
                         okay? It's the world that seems to have 
                         a problem with me. People take one look 
                         at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, 
                         stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before 
                         they even know me. That's why I'm better 
                         off alone.
                                     DONKEY
                         You know what? When we met, I didn't 
                         think you was just a big, stupid, ugly 
                         ogre.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, I know.

                                     DONKEY
                         So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
                                     SHREK
                         Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small 
                         and Annoying.
                                     DONKEY
                         Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny 
                         one, right there. That one there?
               Fiona puts the door back.

                                     SHREK
                         That's the moon.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, okay.

               DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom

               The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays 
               in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic 
               Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, 
                         show her to me. Show me the princess.
                                     MIRROR
                         Hmph.

               The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Ah. Perfect.

               Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up 
               to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly 
               at her image in the mirror.
               MORNING

               Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey 
               who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes 
               across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along 
               with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles 
               to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too 
               big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but 
               she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona 
               is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still 
               sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking 
               in his sleep.
                                     DONKEY
                         (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like 
                         it like that. Come on, baby. I said 
                         I like it.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)

                                     DONKEY
                         Huh? What?

                                     SHREK
                         Wake up.

                                     DONKEY
                         What? (stretches and yawns)

                                     FIONA
                         Good morning. Hm, how do you like your 
                         eggs?
                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, good morning, Princess!

               Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.

                                     SHREK
                         What's all this about?

                                     FIONA
                         You know, we kind of got off to a bad 
                         start yesterday. I wanted to make it 
                         up to you. I mean, after all, you did 
                         rescue me.
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, thanks.

               Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.

                                     FIONA
                         Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead 
                         of us. (walks off)
               LATER

               They are once again on their way. They are walking through the 
               forest. Shrek belches.
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek!

                                     SHREK
                         What? It's a compliment. Better out 
                         than in, I always say. (laughs)
                                     DONKEY
                         Well, it's no way to behave in front 
                         of a princess.
               Fiona belches

                                     FIONA
                         Thanks.

                                     DONKEY
                         She's as nasty as you are.

                                     SHREK
                         (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly 
                         what I expected.
                                     FIONA
                         Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people 
                         before you get to know them.
               She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly 
               from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into 
               a tree.
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         La liberte! Hey!

                                     SHREK
                         Princess!

                                     FIONA
                         (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! 
                         And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses 
                         up her arm while Fiona pulls back in 
                         disgust)...beast.
                                     SHREK
                         Hey! That's my princess! Go find you 
                         own!
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a 
                         little busy here?
                                     FIONA
                         (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't 
                         know who you think you are!
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please 
                         let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. 
                         (laughs)
               Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out 
               from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.
                                     MERRY MEN
                         Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         I steal from the rich and give to the 
                         needy.
                                     MERRY MEN
                         He takes a wee percentage,

                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty 
                         damsels, man, I'm good.
                                     MERRY MEN
                         What a guy, Monsieur Hood.

                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Break it down. I like an honest fight 
                         and a saucy little maid...
                                     MERRY MEN
                         What he's basically saying is he likes 
                         to get...
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush 
                         grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.
                                     MERRY MEN
                         That's bad.

                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         When a beauty's with a beast it makes 
                         me awfully mad.
                                     MERRY MEN
                         He's mad, he's really, really mad.
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         I'll take my blade and ram it through 
                         your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 
                         'cause I'm about to start...
               There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and 
               knocks Robin Hood unconscious.
                                     FIONA
                         Man, that was annoying!

               Shrek looks at her in admiration.

                                     MERRY MAN
                         Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at 
                         Fiona but she ducks out of the way)
               The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to 
               get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.
               Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and 
               then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is 
               a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in 
               mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, 
               and Fiona begins walking away.
                                     FIONA
                         Uh, shall we?

                                     SHREK
                         Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins 
                         walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, 
                         whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come 
                         from?
                                     FIONA
                         What?

                                     SHREK
                         That! Back there. That was amazing! 
                         Where did you learn that?
                                     FIONA
                         Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, 
                         uh, one has to learn these things in 
                         case there's a...(gasps and points) 
                         there's an arrow in your butt!
                                     SHREK
                         What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you 
                         look at that? (he goes to pull it out 
                         but flinches because it's tender)
                                     FIONA
                         Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so 
                         sorry.
                                     DONKEY
                         (walking up) Why? What's wrong?

                                     FIONA
                         Shrek's hurt.

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, 
                         Shrek's gonna die.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, I'm okay.

                                     DONKEY
                         You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm 
                         too young for you to die. Keep you legs 
                         elevated. Turn your head and cough. 
                         Does anyone know the Heimlich?
                                     FIONA
                         Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help 
                         Shrek, run into the woods and find me 
                         a blue flower with red thorns.
                                     DONKEY
                         Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on 
                         it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die 
                         Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay 
                         away from the light!
                                     SHREK & FIONA
                         Donkey!

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. 
                         (runs off)
                                     SHREK
                         What are the flowers for?

                                     FIONA
                         (like it's obvious) For getting rid 
                         of Donkey.
                                     SHREK
                         Ah.

                                     FIONA
                         Now you hold still, and I'll yank this 
                         thing out. (gives the arrow a little 
                         pull)
                                     SHREK
                         (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the 
                         yankin'.
               As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and 
               Shrek keeps dodging her hands.
                                     FIONA
                         I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
                                     SHREK
                         No, it's tender.

                                     FIONA
                         Now, hold on.

                                     SHREK
                         What you're doing is the opposite of 
                         help.
                                     FIONA
                         Don't move.

                                     SHREK
                         Look, time out.

                                     FIONA
                         Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his 
                         hand over her face to stop her from 
                         getting at the arrow) Okay. What do 
                         you propose we do?
               ELSEWHERE

               Donkey is still looking for the special flower.

                                     DONKEY
                         Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, 
                         red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. 
                         This would be so much easier if I wasn't 
                         color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
                                     SHREK
                         (os) Ow!

                                     DONKEY
                         Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a 
                         flower off a nearby bush that just happens 
                         to be a blue flower with red thorns)
               THE FOREST PATH
                                     SHREK
                         Ow! Not good.

                                     FIONA
                         Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. 
                         (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just 
                         about...
                                     SHREK
                         Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall 
                         over with Fiona on top of him)
                                     DONKEY
                         Ahem.

                                     SHREK
                         (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing 
                         happend. We were just, uh - -
                                     DONKEY
                         Look, if you wanted to be alone, all 
                         you had to do was ask. Okay?
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, come on! That's the last thing on 
                         my mind. The princess here was just- 
                         - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he 
                         turns to look at Fiona who holds up 
                         the arrow with a smile) Ow!
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) 
                         That's...is that blood?
               Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue 
               on their way.
               There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. 
               Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a 
               small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as 
               Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back 
               into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting 
               and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb 
               that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it 
               around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins 
               eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. 
               Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting 
               it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning 
               it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group 
               arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.
               WINDMILL
                                     SHREK
                         There it is, Princess. Your future awaits 
                         you.
                                     FIONA
                         That's DuLoc?

                                     DONKEY
                         Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks 
                         Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, 
                         which I think means he has a really...(Shrek 
                         steps on his hoof) Ow!
                                     SHREK
                         Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move 
                         on.
                                     FIONA
                         Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried 
                         about Donkey.
                                     SHREK
                         What?

                                     FIONA
                         I mean, look at him. He doesn't look 
                         so good.
                                     DONKEY
                         What are you talking about? I'm fine.
                                     FIONA
                         (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's 
                         what they always say, and then next 
                         thing you know, you're on your back. 
                         (pause) Dead.
                                     SHREK
                         You know, she's right. You look awful. 
                         Do you want to sit down?
                                     FIONA
                         Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.
                                     DONKEY
                         I didn't want to say nothin', but I 
                         got this twinge in my neck, and when 
                         I turn my head like this, look, (turns 
                         his neck in a very sharp way until his 
                         head is completely sideways) Ow! See?
                                     SHREK
                         Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
                                     FIONA
                         I'll get the firewood.

                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't 
                         feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) 
                         I don't have any toes! I think I need 
                         a hug.
               SUNSET

               Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while 
               Fiona eats.
                                     FIONA
                         Mmm. This is good. This is really good. 
                         What is this?
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.

                                     FIONA
                         No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
                                     SHREK
                         Well, they're also great in stews. Now, 
                         I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean 
                         weed rat stew. (chuckles)
               Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.

                                     FIONA
                         I guess I'll be dining a little differently 
                         tomorrow night.
                                     SHREK
                         Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp 
                         sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff 
                         for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare 
                         - - you name it.
                                     FIONA
                         (smiles) I'd like that.

               They smiles at each other.

                                     SHREK
                         Um, Princess?

                                     FIONA
                         Yes, Shrek?

                                     SHREK
                         I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) 
                         Are you gonna eat that?
                                     DONKEY
                         (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? 
                         Just look at that sunset.
                                     FIONA
                         (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's 
                         late. I-It's very late.
                                     SHREK
                         What?

                                     DONKEY
                         Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on 
                         here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't 
                         you?
                                     FIONA
                         Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. 
                         You know, I'd better go inside.
                                     DONKEY
                         Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to 
                         be afraid of the dark, too, until - 
                         - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of 
                         the dark.
               Shrek sighs

                                     FIONA
                         Good night.

                                     SHREK
                         Good night.

               Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks 
               at Shrek with a new eye.
                                     DONKEY
                         Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on 
                         here.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, what are you talkin' about?

                                     DONKEY
                         I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm 
                         an animal, and I got instincts. And 
                         I know you two were diggin' on each 
                         other. I could feel it.
                                     SHREK
                         You're crazy. I'm just bringing her 
                         back to Farquaad.
                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell 
                         the pheromones. Just go on in and tell 
                         her how you feel.
                                     SHREK
                         I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, 
                         even if I did tell her that, well, you 
                         know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause 
                         I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm 
                         - -
                                     DONKEY
                         An ogre?

                                     SHREK
                         Yeah. An ogre.

                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, where you goin'?

                                     SHREK
                         To get... move firewood. (sighs)

               Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already 
               is.
               TIME LAPSE

               Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is 
               nowhere to be seen.
                                     DONKEY
                         Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, 
                         where are you? Princess?
               Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.
                                     DONKEY
                         It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing 
                         no games.
               Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't 
               look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking 
               out.
                                     DONKEY
                         Aah!

                                     FIONA
                         Oh, no!

                                     DONKEY
                         No, help!

                                     FIONA
                         Shh!

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

                                     FIONA
                         No, it's okay. It's okay.

                                     DONKEY
                         What did you do with the princess?
                                     FIONA
                         Donkey, I'm the princess.

                                     DONKEY
                         Aah!

                                     FIONA
                         It's me, in this body.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to 
                         her stomach) Can you hear me?
                                     FIONA
                         Donkey!

                                     DONKEY
                         (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, 
                         keep breathing! I'll get you out of 
                         there!
                                     FIONA
                         No!

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

                                     FIONA
                         Shh.

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek!

                                     FIONA
                         This is me.

               Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets 
               down.
                                     DONKEY
                         Princess? What happened to you? You're, 
                         uh, uh, uh, different.
                                     FIONA
                         I'm ugly, okay?

                                     DONKEY
                         Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 
                         'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a 
                         bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. 
                         Now - -
                                     FIONA
                         No. I - - I've been this way as long 
                         as I can remember.
                                     DONKEY
                         What do you mean? Look, I ain't never 
                         seen you like this before.
                                     FIONA
                         It only happens when sun goes down. 
                         "By night one way, by day another. This 
                         shall be the norm... until you find 
                         true love's first kiss... and then take 
                         love's true form."
                                     DONKEY
                         Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know 
                         you wrote poetry.
                                     FIONA
                         It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little 
                         girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every 
                         night I become this. This horrible, 
                         ugly beast! I was placed in a tower 
                         to await the day my true love would 
                         rescue me. That's why I have to marry 
                         Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun 
                         sets and he sees me like this. (begins 
                         to cry)
                                     DONKEY
                         All right, all right. Calm down. Look, 
                         it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. 
                         Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. 
                         But you only look like this at night. 
                         Shrek's ugly 24-7.
                                     FIONA
                         But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this 
                         is not how a princess is meant to look.
                                     DONKEY
                         Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry 
                         Farquaad?
                                     FIONA
                         I have to. Only my true love's kiss 
                         can break the spell.
                                     DONKEY
                         But, you know, um, you're kind of an 
                         orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a 
                         lot in common.
                                     FIONA
                         Shrek?

               OUTSIDE

               Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his 
               hand.
                                     SHREK
                         (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's 
                         it going, first of all? Good? Um, good 
                         for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower 
                         and thought of you because it's pretty 
                         and - - well, I don't really like it, 
                         but I thought you might like it 'cause 
                         you're pretty. But I like you anyway. 
                         I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. 
                         Okay, here we go.
               He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey 
               and Fiona talking.
                                     FIONA
                         (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. 
                         Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, 
                         really, who can ever love a beast so 
                         hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" 
                         don't go together. That's why I can't 
                         stay here with Shrek.
               Shrek steps back in shock.

                                     FIONA
                         (os) My only chance to live happily 
                         ever after is to marry my true love.
               Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks 
               away.
               INSIDE
                                     FIONA
                         Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how 
                         it has to be. It's the only way to break 
                         the spell.
                                     DONKEY
                         You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
                                     FIONA
                         No! You can't breathe a word. No one 
                         must ever know.
                                     DONKEY
                         What's the point of being able to talk 
                         if you gotta keep secrets?
                                     FIONA
                         Promise you won't tell. Promise!

                                     DONKEY
                         All right, all right. I won't tell him. 
                         But you should. (goes outside) I just 
                         know before this is over, I'm gonna 
                         need a whole lot of serious therapy. 
                         Look at my eye twitchin'.
               Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks 
               down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back 
               inside the windmill.
               MORNING

               Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still 
               awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.
                                     FIONA
                         I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, 
                         I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly 
                         runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! 
                         Shrek, there's something I want...(she 
                         looks and sees the rising sun, and as 
                         the sun crests the sky she turns back 
                         into a human.)
               Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards 
               her.
                                     FIONA
                         Shrek. Are you all right?

                                     SHREK
                         Perfect! Never been better.

                                     FIONA
                         I - - I don't - - There's something 
                         I have to tell you.
                                     SHREK
                         You don't have to tell me anything, 
                         Princess. I heard enough last night.
                                     FIONA
                         You heard what I said?

                                     SHREK
                         Every word.

                                     FIONA
                         I thought you'd understand.

                                     SHREK
                         Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who 
                         could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
                                     FIONA
                         But I thought that wouldn't matter to 
                         you.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at 
                         him in shock. He looks past her and 
                         spots a group approaching.) Ah, right 
                         on time. Princess, I've brought you 
                         a little something.
               Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal 
               sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only 
               like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers 
               march by.
                                     DONKEY
                         What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots 
                         the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? 
                         Couldn't have been the donkey.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Princess Fiona.

                                     SHREK
                         As promised. Now hand it over.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece 
                         of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared 
                         out, as agreed. Take it and go before 
                         I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) 
                         Forgive me, Princess, for startling 
                         you, but you startled me, for I have 
                         never seen such a radiant beauty before. 
                         I'm Lord Farquaad.
                                     FIONA
                         Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad 
                         snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, 
                         for I was just saying a short... (Watches 
                         as Farquaad is lifted off his horse 
                         and set down in front of her. He comes 
                         to her waist.) farewell.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have 
                         to waste good manners on the ogre. It's 
                         not like it has feelings.
                                     FIONA
                         No, you're right. It doesn't.

               Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless 
                         Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. 
                         Will you be the perfect bride for the 
                         perfect groom?
                                     FIONA
                         Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would 
                         make - -
                                     FARQUAAD
                         (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start 
                         the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
                                     FIONA
                         No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get 
                         married today before the sun sets.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. 
                         The sooner, the better. There's so much 
                         to do! There's the caterer, the cake, 
                         the band, the guest list. Captain, round 
                         up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona 
                         on the back of his horse)
                                     FIONA
                         Fare-thee-well, ogre.

               Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches 
               them go.
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting 
                         her get away.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah? So what?

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, there's something about her you 
                         don't know. Look, I talked to her last 
                         night, She's - -
                                     SHREK
                         I know you talked to her last night. 
                         You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if 
                         you two are such good friends, why don't 
                         you follow her home?
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

                                     SHREK
                         I told you, didn't I? You're not coming 
                         home with me. I live alone! My swamp! 
                         Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! 
                         Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, 
                         talking donkeys!
                                     DONKEY
                         But I thought - -

                                     SHREK
                         Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! 
                         (stomps off)
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek.

               Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona 
               being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running 
               into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner 
               alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.
               SHREK'S HOME

               Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes 
               outside to investigate.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues 
                         with what he's doing.) What are you 
                         doing?
                                     DONKEY
                         I would think, of all people, you would 
                         recognize a wall when you see one.
                                     SHREK
                         Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed 
                         to go around my swamp, not through it.
                                     DONKEY
                         It is around your half. See that's your 
                         half, and this is my half.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh! Your half. Hmm.

                                     DONKEY
                         Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. 
                         I did half the work. I get half the 
                         booty. Now hand me that big old rock, 
                         the one that looks like your head.
                                     SHREK
                         Back off!

                                     DONKEY
                         No, you back off.

                                     SHREK
                         This is my swamp!

                                     DONKEY
                         Our swamp.

                                     SHREK
                         (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working 
                         with) Let go, Donkey!
                                     DONKEY
                         You let go.

                                     SHREK
                         Stubborn jackass!

                                     DONKEY
                         Smelly ogre.

                                     SHREK
                         Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks 
                         away)
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through 
                         with you yet.
                                     SHREK
                         Well, I'm through with you.

                                     DONKEY
                         Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, 
                         "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now 
                         it's my turn! So you just shut up and 
                         pay attention! You are mean to me. You 
                         insult me and you don't appreciate anything 
                         that I do! You're always pushing me 
                         around or pushing me away.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so 
                         bad, how come you came back?
                                     DONKEY
                         Because that's what friends do! They 
                         forgive each other!
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive 
                         you... for stabbin' me in the back! 
                         (goes into the outhouse and slams the 
                         door)
                                     DONKEY
                         Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, 
                         onion boy, you're afraid of your own 
                         feelings.
                                     SHREK
                         (os) Go away!

                                     DONKEY
                         There you are , doing it again just 
                         like you did to Fiona. All she ever 
                         do was like you, maybe even love you.
                                     SHREK
                         (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a 
                         hideous creature. I heard the two of 
                         you talking.
                                     DONKEY
                         She wasn't talkin' about you. She was 
                         talkin' about, uh, somebody else.
                                     SHREK
                         (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't 
                         talking about me? Well, then who was 
                         she talking about?
                                     DONKEY
                         Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. 
                         You don't wanna listen to me. Right? 
                         Right?
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey!

                                     DONKEY
                         No!

                                     SHREK
                         Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) 
                         I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, 
                         stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, that's what friends are for, right?
                                     SHREK
                         Right. Friends?

                                     DONKEY
                         Friends.

                                     SHREK
                         So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
                                     DONKEY
                         What are you asking me for? Why don't 
                         you just go ask her?
                                     SHREK
                         The wedding! We'll never make it in 
                         time.
                                     DONKEY
                         Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's 
                         a will, there's a way and I have a way. 
                         (whistles)
               Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so 
               they can climb on.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey?

                                     DONKEY
                         I guess it's just my animal magnetism.
               They both laugh.

                                     SHREK
                         Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a 
                         noogie)
                                     DONKEY
                         All right, all right. Don't get all 
                         slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All 
                         right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't 
                         had a chance to install the seat belts 
                         yet.
               They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.

               DULOC - CHURCH

               Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. 
               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.
                                     PRIEST
                         People of DuLoc, we gather here today 
                         to bear witness to the union....
                                     FIONA
                         (eyeing the setting sun) Um-

                                     PRIEST
                         ...of our new king...

                                     FIONA
                         Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead 
                         to the "I do's"?
                                     FARQUAAD
                         (chuckles and then motions to the priest 
                         to indulge Fiona) Go on.
               COURTYARD

               Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with 
               a boom. The guards all take off running.
                                     DONKEY
                         (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. 
                         If we need you, I'll whistle. How about 
                         that? (she nods and goes after the guards) 
                         Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You 
                         wanna do this right, don't you?
                                     SHREK
                         (at the Church door) What are you talking 
                         about?
                                     DONKEY
                         There's a line you gotta wait for. The 
                         preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or 
                         forever hold your peace." That's when 
                         you say, "I object!"
                                     SHREK
                         I don't have time for this!

                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen 
                         to me! Look, you love this woman, don't 
                         you?
                                     SHREK
                         Yes.

                                     DONKEY
                         You wanna hold her?

                                     SHREK
                         Yes.

                                     DONKEY
                         Please her?

                                     SHREK
                         Yes!

                                     DONKEY
                         (singing James Brown style) Then you 
                         got to, got to try a little tenderness. 
                         (normal) The chicks love that romantic 
                         crap!
                                     SHREK
                         All right! Cut it out. When does this 
                         guy say the line?
                                     DONKEY
                         We gotta check it out.

               INSIDE CHURCH

               As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the 
               windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.
                                     PRIEST
                         And so, by the power vested in me...
               Outside

                                     SHREK
                         What do you see?

                                     DONKEY
                         The whole town's in there.

               Inside

                                     PRIEST
                         I now pronounce you husband and wife...
               Outside

                                     DONKEY
                         They're at the altar.

               Inside

                                     PRIEST
                         ...king and queen.

               Outside

                                     DONKEY
                         Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, for the love of Pete!

               He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.
               INSIDE CHURCH
                                     SHREK
                         (running toward the alter) I object!
                                     FIONA
                         Shrek?

               The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Oh, now what does he want?

                                     SHREK
                         (to congregation as he reaches the front 
                         of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' 
                         a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first 
                         of all. Very clean.
                                     FIONA
                         What are you doing here?

                                     SHREK
                         Really, it's rude enough being alive 
                         when no one wants you, but showing up 
                         uninvited to a wedding...
                                     SHREK
                         Fiona! I need to talk to you.

                                     FIONA
                         Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little 
                         late for that, so if you'll excuse me 
                         - -
                                     SHREK
                         But you can't marry him.

                                     FIONA
                         And why not?

                                     SHREK
                         Because- - Because he's just marring 
                         you so he can be king.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.
                                     SHREK
                         He's not your true love.

                                     FIONA
                         And what do you know about true love?
                                     SHREK
                         Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen 
                         in love with the princess! Oh, good 
                         Lord. (laughs)
               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The 
               whole congregation laughs.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         An ogre and a princess!

                                     FIONA
                         Shrek, is this true?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, 
                         my love, we're but a kiss away from 
                         our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! 
                         (puckers his lips and leans toward her, 
                         but she pulls back.)
                                     FIONA
                         (looking at the setting sun) "By night 
                         one way, by day another." (to Shrek) 
                         I wanted to show you before.
               She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. 
               She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.
                                     SHREK
                         Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona 
                         smiles)
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! 
                         I order you to get that out of my sight 
                         now! Get them! Get them both!
               The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights 
               them.
                                     SHREK
                         No, no!

                                     FIONA
                         Shrek!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This 
                         marriage is binding, and that makes 
                         me king! See? See?
                                     FIONA
                         No, let go of me! Shrek!

                                     SHREK
                         No!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Don't just stand there, you morons.
                                     SHREK
                         Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         I'll make you regret the day we met. 
                         I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll 
                         beg for death to save you!
                                     FIONA
                         No, Shrek!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And 
                         as for you, my wife...
                                     SHREK
                         Fiona!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         I'll have you locked back in that tower 
                         for the rest of your days! I'm king!
               Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         I will have order! I will have perfection! 
                         I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon 
                         show up and the dragon leans down and 
                         eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!
                                     DONKEY
                         All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon 
                         here, and I'm not afraid to use it. 
                         (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on 
                         the edge!
               The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth 
               and falls to the ground.
                                     DONKEY
                         Celebrity marriages. They never last, 
                         do they?
               The congregation cheers.

                                     DONKEY
                         Go ahead, Shrek.

                                     SHREK
                         Uh, Fiona?

                                     FIONA
                         Yes, Shrek?

                                     SHREK
                         I - - I love you.

                                     FIONA
                         Really?

                                     SHREK
                         Really, really.

                                     FIONA
                         (smiles) I love you too.

               Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 
               'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.
                                     CONGREGATION
                         Aawww!

               Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted 
               up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around 
               her.
                                     WHISPERS
                         "Until you find true love's first kiss 
                         and then take love's true form. Take 
                         love's true form. Take love's true form."
               Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell 
               and then is slowly lowered to the ground.
                                     SHREK
                         (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are 
                         you all right?
                                     FIONA
                         (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well, 
                         yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed 
                         to be beautiful.
                                     SHREK
                         But you ARE beautiful.

               They smile at each other.

                                     DONKEY
                         (chuckles) I was hoping this would be 
                         a happy ending.
               Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...

               THE SWAMP

               ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm 
               a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek 
               and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting 
               carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet 
               which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end 
               up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet 
               instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now 
               has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona 
               walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over 
               singing the song.
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         God bless us, every one.

                                     DONKEY
                         (as he's done singing and we fade to 
                         black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't 
                         breathe. I can't breathe.
               THE END
  • Baby: www
  • Mother: one? Wuv? Do you wuv me?
  • Baby: w-ww- Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
  • Many brave knights had attempted to
  • free her from this dreadful prison,
  • but non prevailed. She waited in the
  • dragon's keep in the highest room of
  • the tallest tower for her true love
  • and true love's first kiss. (laughs)
  • Like that's ever gonna happen. What
  • a load of - (toilet flush)
  • Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
  • day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
  • after the ogre.
  • NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME
  • MAN1
  • Think it's in there?
  • MAN2
  • All right. Let's get it!
  • MAN1
  • Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
  • thing can do to you?
  • MAN3
  • Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's
  • bread.
  • Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.
  • SHREK
  • Yes, well, actually, that would be a
  • giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.
  • They'll make a suit from your freshly
  • peeled skin.
  • MEN
  • No!
  • SHREK
  • They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the
  • jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's
  • quite good on toast.
  • MAN1
  • Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
  • (waves the torch at Shrek.)
  • Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
  • men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long
  • and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
  • men are in the dark.
  • SHREK
  • This is the part where you run away.
  • (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
  • And stay out! (looks down and picks
  • up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.
  • Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and
  • throws the paper over his shoulder.)
  • THE NEXT DAY
  • There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard
  • sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures
  • to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line
  • are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto
  • who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three
  • little pigs.
  • GUARD
  • All right. This one's full. Take it
  • away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
  • HEAD GUARD
  • Next!
  • GUARD
  • (taking the witch's broom) Give me that!
  • Your flying days are over. (breaks the
  • broom in half)
  • HEAD GUARD
  • That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
  • Next!
  • GUARD
  • Get up! Come on!
  • HEAD GUARD
  • Twenty pieces.
  • LITTLE BEAR
  • (crying) This cage is too small.
  • DONKEY
  • Please, don't turn me in. I'll never
  • be stubborn again. I can change. Please!
  • Give me another chance!
  • OLD WOMAN
  • Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)
  • DONKEY
  • Oh!
  • HEAD GUARD
  • Next! What have you got?
  • GIPETTO
  • This little wooden puppet.
  • PINOCCHIO
  • I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his
  • nose grows)
  • HEAD GUARD
  • Five shillings for the possessed toy.
  • Take it away.
  • PINOCCHIO
  • Father, please! Don't let them do this!
  • Help me!
  • Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
  • to the table.
  • HEAD GUARD
  • Next! What have you got?
  • OLD WOMAN
  • Well, I've got a talking donkey.
  • HEAD GUARD
  • Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,
  • if you can prove it.
  • OLD WOMAN
  • Oh, go ahead, little fella.
  • Donkey just looks up at her.
  • HEAD GUARD
  • Well?
  • OLD WOMAN
  • Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little
  • nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.
  • Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
  • HEAD GUARD
  • That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
  • OLD WOMAN
  • No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
  • to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
  • talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing
  • you ever saw.
  • HEAD GUARD
  • Get her out of my sight.
  • OLD WOMAN
  • No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
  • The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
  • of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's
  • hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled
  • with fairy dust and he's able to fly.
  • DONKEY
  • Hey! I can fly!
  • PETER PAN
  • He can fly!
  • 3 LITTLE PIGS
  • He can fly!
  • HEAD GUARD
  • He can talk!
  • DONKEY
  • Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm
  • a flying, talking donkey. You might
  • have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
  • but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey
  • fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins
  • to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink
  • to the ground.)
  • He hits the ground with a thud.
  • HEAD GUARD
  • Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)
  • After him!
  • GUARDS
  • He's getting away! Get him! This way!
  • Turn!
  • Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.
  • Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared
  • for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He
  • quickly hides behind Shrek.
  • HEAD GUARD
  • You there. Ogre!
  • SHREK
  • Aye?
  • HEAD GUARD
  • By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized
  • to place you both under arrest and transport
  • you to a designated resettlement facility.
  • SHREK
  • Oh, really? You and what army?
  • He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well
  • and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail
  • and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and
  • begins walking back to his cottage.
  • DONKEY
  • Can I say something to you? Listen,
  • you was really, really, really somethin'
  • back here. Incredible!
  • SHREK
  • Are you talkin' to...(he turns around
  • and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back
  • around and Donkey is right in front
  • of him.) Whoa!
  • DONKEY
  • Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell
  • you that you that you was great back
  • here? Those guards! They thought they
  • was all of that. Then you showed up,
  • and bam! They was trippin' over themselves
  • like babes in the woods. That really
  • made me feel good to see that.
  • SHREK
  • Oh, that's great. Really.
  • DONKEY
  • Man, it's good to be free.
  • SHREK
  • Now, why don't you go celebrate your
  • freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
  • DONKEY
  • But, uh, I don't have any friends. And
  • I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,
  • wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll
  • stick with you. You're mean, green,
  • fightin' machine. Together we'll scare
  • the spit out of anybody that crosses
  • us.
  • Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very
  • loudly.
  • DONKEY
  • Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you
  • don't mind me sayin', if that don't
  • work, your breath certainly will get
  • the job done, 'cause you definitely
  • need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause
  • you breath stinks! You almost burned
  • the hair outta my nose, just like the
  • time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey
  • continues to talk, so Shrek removes
  • his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten
  • berries. I had strong gases leaking
  • out of my butt that day.
  • SHREK
  • Why are you following me?
  • DONKEY
  • I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause
  • I'm all alone, There's no one here beside
  • me, My problems have all gone, There's
  • no one to deride me, But you gotta have
  • faith...
  • SHREK
  • Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
  • have any friends.
  • DONKEY
  • Wow. Only a true friend would be that
  • cruelly honest.
  • SHREK
  • Listen, little donkey. Take a look at
  • me. What am I?
  • DONKEY
  • (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really
  • tall?
  • SHREK
  • No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your
  • torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that
  • bother you?
  • DONKEY
  • Nope.
  • SHREK
  • Really?
  • DONKEY
  • Really, really.
  • SHREK
  • Oh.
  • DONKEY
  • Man, I like you. What's you name?
  • SHREK
  • Uh, Shrek
The script of shrek
  Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his 
               day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go 
               after the ogre.
               NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME
                                     MAN1
                         Think it's in there?

                                     MAN2
                         All right. Let's get it!

                                     MAN1
                         Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that 
                         thing can do to you?
                                     MAN3
                         Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's 
                         bread.
               Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.

                                     SHREK
                         Yes, well, actually, that would be a 
                         giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. 
                         They'll make a suit from your freshly 
                         peeled skin.
                                     MEN
                         No!

                                     SHREK
                         They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the 
                         jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's 
                         quite good on toast.
                                     MAN1
                         Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! 
                         (waves the torch at Shrek.)
               Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The 
               men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long 
               and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the 
               men are in the dark.
                                     SHREK
                         This is the part where you run away. 
                         (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) 
                         And stay out! (looks down and picks 
                         up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. 
                         Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and 
                         throws the paper over his shoulder.)
               THE NEXT DAY

               There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard 
               sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures 
               to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line 
               are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto 
               who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three 
               little pigs.
                                     GUARD
                         All right. This one's full. Take it 
                         away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Next!

                                     GUARD
                         (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! 
                         Your flying days are over. (breaks the 
                         broom in half)
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. 
                         Next!
                                     GUARD
                         Get up! Come on!

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Twenty pieces.

                                     LITTLE BEAR
                         (crying) This cage is too small.

                                     DONKEY
                         Please, don't turn me in. I'll never 
                         be stubborn again. I can change. Please! 
                         Give me another chance!
                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh!

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Next! What have you got?

                                     GIPETTO
                         This little wooden puppet.

                                     PINOCCHIO
                         I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his 
                         nose grows)
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Five shillings for the possessed toy. 
                         Take it away.
                                     PINOCCHIO
                         Father, please! Don't let them do this! 
                         Help me!
               Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up 
               to the table.
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Next! What have you got?

                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Well, I've got a talking donkey.

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, 
                         if you can prove it.
                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Oh, go ahead, little fella.

               Donkey just looks up at her.

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Well?

                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little 
                         nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. 
                         Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
                                     OLD WOMAN
                         No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends 
                         to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to 
                         talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing 
                         you ever saw.
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Get her out of my sight.

                                     OLD WOMAN
                         No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

               The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One 
               of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's 
               hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled 
               with fairy dust and he's able to fly.
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey! I can fly!

                                     PETER PAN
                         He can fly!

                                     3 LITTLE PIGS
                         He can fly!

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         He can talk!

                                     DONKEY
                         Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm 
                         a flying, talking donkey. You might 
                         have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly 
                         but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey 
                         fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins 
                         to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink 
                         to the ground.)
               He hits the ground with a thud.

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) 
                         After him!
                                     GUARDS
                         He's getting away! Get him! This way! 
                         Turn!
               Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. 
               Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared 
               for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He 
               quickly hides behind Shrek.
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         You there. Ogre!

                                     SHREK
                         Aye?

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized 
                         to place you both under arrest and transport 
                         you to a designated resettlement facility.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, really? You and what army?

               He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well 
               and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail 
               and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and 
               begins walking back to his cottage.
                                     DONKEY
                         Can I say something to you? Listen, 
                         you was really, really, really somethin' 
                         back here. Incredible!
                                     SHREK
                         Are you talkin' to...(he turns around 
                         and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back 
                         around and Donkey is right in front 
                         of him.) Whoa!
                                     DONKEY
                         Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell 
                         you that you that you was great back 
                         here? Those guards! They thought they 
                         was all of that. Then you showed up, 
                         and bam! They was trippin' over themselves 
                         like babes in the woods. That really 
                         made me feel good to see that.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, that's great. Really.

                                     DONKEY
                         Man, it's good to be free.

                                     SHREK
                         Now, why don't you go celebrate your 
                         freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
                                     DONKEY
                         But, uh, I don't have any friends. And 
                         I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, 
                         wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll 
                         stick with you. You're mean, green, 
                         fightin' machine. Together we'll scare 
                         the spit out of anybody that crosses 
                         us.
               Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very 
               loudly.
                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you 
                         don't mind me sayin', if that don't 
                         work, your breath certainly will get 
                         the job done, 'cause you definitely 
                         need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause 
                         you breath stinks! You almost burned 
                         the hair outta my nose, just like the 
                         time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey 
                         continues to talk, so Shrek removes 
                         his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten 
                         berries. I had strong gases leaking 
                         out of my butt that day.
                                     SHREK
                         Why are you following me?

                                     DONKEY
                         I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause 
                         I'm all alone, There's no one here beside 
                         me, My problems have all gone, There's 
                         no one to deride me, But you gotta have 
                         faith...
                                     SHREK
                         Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't 
                         have any friends.
                                     DONKEY
                         Wow. Only a true friend would be that 
                         cruelly honest.
                                     SHREK
                         Listen, little donkey. Take a look at 
                         me. What am I?
                                     DONKEY
                         (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really 
                         tall?
                                     SHREK
                         No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your 
                         torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that 
                         bother you?
                                     DONKEY
                         Nope.

                                     SHREK
                         Really?

                                     DONKEY
                         Really, really.

                                     SHREK
                         Oh.

                                     DONKEY
                         Man, I like you. What's you name?

                                     SHREK
                         Uh, Shrek.

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek? Well, you know what I like about 
                         you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me 
                         thing. I like that. I respect that, 
                         Shrek. You all right. (They come over 
                         a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) 
                         Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live 
                         in place like that?
                                     SHREK
                         That would be my home.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. 
                         You know you are quite a decorator. 
                         It's amazing what you've done with such 
                         a modest budget. I like that boulder. 
                         That is a nice boulder. I guess you 
                         don't entertain much, do you?
                                     SHREK
                         I like my privacy.

                                     DONKEY
                         You know, I do too. That's another thing 
                         we have in common. Like I hate it when 
                         you got somebody in your face. You've 
                         trying to give them a hint, and they 
                         won't leave. There's that awkward silence. 
                         (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, what?

                                     DONKEY
                         Can I stay with you, please?

                                     SHREK
                         (sarcastically) Of course!

                                     DONKEY
                         Really?

                                     SHREK
                         No.

                                     DONKEY
                         Please! I don't wanna go back there! 
                         You don't know what it's like to be 
                         considered a freak. (pause while he 
                         looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. 
                         But that's why we gotta stick together. 
                         You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
                                     SHREK
                         Okay! Okay! But one night only.

                                     DONKEY
                         Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)
                                     SHREK
                         What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto 
                         a chair.) No! No!
                                     DONKEY
                         This is gonna be fun! We can stay up 
                         late, swappin' manly stories, and in 
                         the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh!

                                     DONKEY
                         Where do, uh, I sleep?

                                     SHREK
                         (irritated) Outside!

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, 
                         I don't know you, and you don't know 
                         me, so I guess outside is best, you 
                         know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek 
                         slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do 
                         like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was 
                         born outside. I'll just be sitting by 
                         myself outside, I guess, you know. By 
                         myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's 
                         no one here beside me...
               SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

               Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights 
               a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a 
               noise. He stands up with a huff.
                                     SHREK
                         (to Donkey) I thought I told you to 
                         stay outside.
                                     DONKEY
                         (from the window) I am outside.

               There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that 
               made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns 
               and spots 3 blind mice on his table.
                                     BLIND MOUSE1
                         Well, gents, it's a far cry from the 
                         farm, but what choice do we have?
                                     BLIND MOUSE2
                         It's not home, but it'll do just fine.
                                     GORDO
                         (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.
                                     SHREK
                         Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes 
                         and lands on his shoulder.)
                                     GORDO
                         I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's 
                         ear)
                                     SHREK
                         Ow!

                                     GORDO
                         Blah! Awful stuff.

                                     BLIND MOUSE1
                         Is that you, Gordo?

                                     GORDO
                         How did you know?

                                     SHREK
                         Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are 
                         you doing in my house? (He gets bumped 
                         from behind and he drops the mice.) 
                         Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves 
                         with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, 
                         no, no. Dead broad off the table.
                                     DWARF
                         Where are we supposed to put her? The 
                         bed's taken.
                                     SHREK
                         Huh?

               Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. 
               The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at 
               him.
                                     BIG BAD WOLF
                         What?

               TIME LAPSE

               Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging 
               him to the front door.
                                     SHREK
                         I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm 
                         a terrifying ogre! What do I have to 
                         do get a little privacy? (He opens the 
                         front door to throw the Wolf out and 
                         he sees that all the collected Fairy 
                         Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, 
                         no. No! No!
               The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his 
               pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing 
               flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.
                                     SHREK
                         What are you doing in my swamp? (this 
                         echoes and everyone falls silent.)
               Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a 
               tent.
                                     SHREK
                         All right, get out of here. All of you, 
                         move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! 
                         Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more 
                         dwarves run inside the house) No, no! 
                         No, no. Not there. Not there. (they 
                         shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to 
                         look at Donkey)
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite 
                         them.
                                     PINOCCHIO
                         Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

                                     SHREK
                         What?

                                     PINOCCHIO
                         We were forced to come here.

                                     SHREK
                         (flabbergasted) By who?

                                     LITTLE PIG
                         Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed 
                         and he...signed an eviction notice.
                                     SHREK
                         (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where 
                         this Farquaad guy is?
               Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, I do. I know where he is.

                                     SHREK
                         Does anyone else know where to find 
                         him? Anyone at all?
                                     DONKEY
                         Me! Me!

                                     SHREK
                         Anyone?

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! 
                         Me, me!
                                     SHREK
                         (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy 
                         tale things. Do not get comfortable. 
                         Your welcome is officially worn out. 
                         In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad 
                         right now and get you all off my land 
                         and back where you came from! (Pause. 
                         Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) 
                         You! You're comin' with me.
                                     DONKEY
                         All right, that's what I like to hear, 
                         man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart 
                         friends, off on a whirlwind big-city 
                         adventure. I love it!
                                     DONKEY
                         (singing) On the road again. Sing it 
                         with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get 
                         on the road again.
                                     SHREK
                         What did I say about singing?

                                     DONKEY
                         Can I whistle?

                                     SHREK
                         No.

                                     DONKEY
                         Can I hum it?

                                     SHREK
                         All right, hum it.

               Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.

               DULOC - KITCHEN

               A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually 
               dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         That's enough. He's ready to talk.
               The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down 
               onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the 
               table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes 
               up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs 
                         and plays with them) Run, run, run, 
                         as fast as you can. You can't catch 
                         me. I'm the gingerbread man.
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         You are a monster.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         I'm not the monster here. You are. You 
                         and the rest of that fairy tale trash, 
                         poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell 
                         me! Where are the others?
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's 
                         eye.)
                                     FARQUAAD
                         I've tried to be fair to you creatures. 
                         Now my patience has reached its end! 
                         Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to 
                         pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop 
                         buttons.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         All right then. Who's hiding them?
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the 
                         muffin man?
                                     FARQUAAD
                         The muffin man?

                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         The muffin man.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives 
                         on Drury Lane?
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         Well, she's married to the muffin man.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         The muffin man?

                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         The muffin man!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         She's married to the muffin man.

               The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         My lord! We found it.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Then what are you waiting for? Bring 
                         it in.
               More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. 
               They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic 
               Mirror.
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         (in awe) Ohhhh...

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Magic mirror...

                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks 
                         him up and dumps him into a trash can 
                         with a lid.) No!
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. 
                         Is this not the most perfect kingdom 
                         of them all?
                                     MIRROR
                         Well, technically you're not a king.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a 
                         hand mirror and smashes it with his 
                         fist.) You were saying?
                                     MIRROR
                         What I mean is you're not a king yet. 
                         But you can become one. All you have 
                         to do is marry a princess.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Go on.

                                     MIRROR
                         (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back 
                         and relax, my lord, because it's time 
                         for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. 
                         And here they are! Bachelorette number 
                         one is a mentally abused shut-in from 
                         a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi 
                         and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies 
                         include cooking and cleaning for her 
                         two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. 
                         (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette 
                         number two is a cape-wearing girl from 
                         the land of fancy. Although she lives 
                         with seven other men, she's not easy. 
                         Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and 
                         find out what a live wire she is. Come 
                         on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows 
                         picture of Snow White) And last, but 
                         certainly not last, bachelorette number 
                         three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded 
                         castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! 
                         But don't let that cool you off. She's 
                         a loaded pistol who likes pina colads 
                         and getting caught in the rain. Yours 
                         for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows 
                         picture of Princess Fiona) So will it 
                         be bachelorette number one, bachelorette 
                         number two or bachelorette number three?
                                     GUARDS
                         Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Three? One? Three?

                                     THELONIUS
                         Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number 
                         three, my lord!
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Okay, okay, uh, number three!

                                     MIRROR
                         Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess 
                         Fiona.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I 
                         have to do is just find someone who 
                         can go...
                                     MIRROR
                         But I probably should mention the little 
                         thing that happens at night.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         I'll do it.

                                     MIRROR
                         Yes, but after sunset...

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona 
                         my queen, and DuLoc will finally have 
                         the perfect king! Captain, assemble 
                         your finest men. We're going to have 
                         a tournament. (smiles evilly)
               DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section

               Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking 
               lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.
                                     DONKEY
                         But that's it. That's it right there. 
                         That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.
                                     SHREK
                         So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.
                                     DONKEY
                         Uh-huh. That's the place.

                                     SHREK
                         Do you think maybe he's compensating 
                         for something? (He laughs, but then 
                         groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. 
                         He continues walking through the parking 
                         lot.)
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

                                     MAN
                         Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
                                     SHREK
                         Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing 
                         a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, 
                         screams and begins running through the 
                         rows of rope to get to the front gate 
                         to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. 
                         Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just 
                         - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins 
                         walking straight through the rows. The 
                         attendant runs into a wall and falls 
                         down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then 
                         continue on into DuLoc.)
               DULOC

               They look around but all is quiet.

                                     SHREK
                         It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, look at this!

               Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box 
               marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors 
               open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin 
               to sing.
                                     WOODEN PEOPLE
                         Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town
               Here we have some rules

               Let us lay them down

               Don't make waves, stay in line

               And we'll get along fine

               DuLoc is perfect place

               Please keep off of the grass

               Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

               DuLoc is, DuLoc is

               DuLoc is perfect place.

               Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.

                                     DONKEY
                         Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready 
                         to run over and pull the lever again)
                                     SHREK
                         (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) 
                         No. No. No, no, no! No.
               They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Brave knights. You are the best and 
                         brightest in all the land. Today one 
                         of you shall prove himself...
               As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena 
               Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.
                                     SHREK
                         All right. You're going the right way 
                         for a smacked bottom.
                                     DONKEY
                         Sorry about that.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         That champion shall have the honor - 
                         - no, no - - the privilege to go forth 
                         and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona 
                         from the fiery keep of the dragon. If 
                         for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, 
                         the first runner-up will take his place 
                         and so on and so forth. Some of you 
                         may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing 
                         to make. (cheers) Let the tournament 
                         begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is 
                         that? It's hideous!
                                     SHREK
                         (turns to look at Donkey and then back 
                         at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. 
                         It's just a donkey.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who 
                         kills the ogre will be named champion! 
                         Have it him!
                                     MEN
                         Get him!

                                     SHREK
                         Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps 
                         into a table where there are mugs of 
                         beer)
                                     CROWD
                         Go ahead! Get him!

                                     SHREK
                         (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just 
                         settle this over a pint?
                                     CROWD
                         Kill the beast!

                                     SHREK
                         No? All right then. (drinks the beer) 
                         Come on!
               He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel 
               of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the 
               other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides 
               past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. 
               As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger 
               beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. 
               Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much 
               fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice 
               to say that Shrek kicks butt.
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

               Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek 
               gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah!

               A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time 
               and sees him.
                                     WOMAN
                         The chair! Give him the chair!

               Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men 
               are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding 
               sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you 
                         very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try 
                         the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)
               The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on 
               Shrek.
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Shall I give the order, sir?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         No, I have a better idea. People of 
                         DuLoc, I give you our champion!
                                     SHREK
                         What?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Congratulations, ogre. You're won the 
                         honor of embarking on a great and noble 
                         quest.
                                     SHREK
                         Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest 
                         to get my swamp back.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Your swamp?

                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those 
                         fairy tale creatures!
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you 
                         a deal. Go on this quest for me, and 
                         I'll give you your swamp back.
                                     SHREK
                         Exactly the way it was?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
                                     SHREK
                         And the squatters?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         As good as gone.

                                     SHREK
                         What kind of quest?

               Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field 
               heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.
                                     DONKEY
                         Let me get this straight. You're gonna 
                         go fight a dragon and rescue a princess 
                         just so Farquaad will give you back 
                         a swamp which you only don't have because 
                         he filled it full of freaks in the first 
                         place. Is that about right?
                                     SHREK
                         You know, maybe there's a good reason 
                         donkeys shouldn't talk.
                                     DONKEY
                         I don't get it. Why don't you just pull 
                         some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle 
                         him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds 
                         his bones to make your bread, the whole 
                         ogre trip.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have 
                         decapitated an entire village and put 
                         their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, 
                         cut open their spleen and drink their 
                         fluids. Does that sound good to you?
                                     DONKEY
                         Uh, no, not really, no.

                                     SHREK
                         For your information, there's a lot 
                         more to ogres than people think.
                                     DONKEY
                         Example?

                                     SHREK
                         Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. 
                         (he holds out his onion)
                                     DONKEY
                         (sniffs the onion) They stink?

                                     SHREK
                         Yes - - No!

                                     DONKEY
                         They make you cry?

                                     SHREK
                         No!

                                     DONKEY
                         You leave them in the sun, they get 
                         all brown, start sproutin' little white 
                         hairs.
                                     SHREK
                         No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres 
                         have layers! Onions have layers. You 
                         get it? We both have layers. (he heaves 
                         a sigh and then walks off)
                                     DONKEY
                         (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both 
                         have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, 
                         not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody 
                         loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
                                     SHREK
                         I don't care... what everyone likes. 
                         Ogres are not like cakes.
                                     DONKEY
                         You know what else everybody likes? 
                         Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, 
                         you say, "Let's get some parfait," they 
                         say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? 
                         Parfaits are delicious.
                                     SHREK
                         No! You dense, irritating, miniature 
                         beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! 
                         And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
                                     DONKEY
                         Parfaits may be the most delicious thing 
                         on the whole damn planet.
                                     SHREK
                         You know, I think I preferred your humming.
                                     DONKEY
                         Do you have a tissue or something? I'm 
                         making a mess. Just the word parfait 
                         make me start slobbering.
               They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through 
               a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying 
               to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, 
               so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.
               DRAGON'S KEEP

               Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to 
               house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.
                                     DONKEY
                         (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? 
                         You gotta warn somebody before you just 
                         crack one off. My mouth was open and 
                         everything.
                                     SHREK
                         Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd 
                         be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We 
                         must be getting close.
                                     DONKEY
                         Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking 
                         about it's the brimstone. I know what 
                         I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It 
                         didn't come off no stone neither.
               They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There 
               is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where 
               the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very 
               foreboding.
                                     SHREK
                         Sure, it's big enough, but look at the 
                         location. (laughs...then the laugh turns 
                         into a groan)
                                     DONKEY
                         Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said 
                         ogres have layers?
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, aye.

                                     DONKEY
                         Well, I have a bit of a confession to 
                         make. Donkeys don't have layers. We 
                         wear our fear right out there on our 
                         sleeves.
                                     SHREK
                         Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.
                                     DONKEY
                         You know what I mean.

                                     SHREK
                         You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
                                     DONKEY
                         No, I'm just a little uncomfortable 
                         about being on a rickety bridge over 
                         a boiling like of lava!
                                     SHREK
                         Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside 
                         ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll 
                         just tackle this thing together one 
                         little baby step at a time.
                                     DONKEY
                         Really?

                                     SHREK
                         Really, really.

                                     DONKEY
                         Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
                                     SHREK
                         Just keep moving. And don't look down.
                                     DONKEY
                         Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. 
                         Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't 
                         look down. (he steps through a rotting 
                         board and ends up looking straight down 
                         into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! 
                         Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me 
                         off, please!
                                     SHREK
                         But you're already halfway.

                                     DONKEY
                         But I know that half is safe!

                                     SHREK
                         Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. 
                         You go back.
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, no! Wait!

                                     SHREK
                         Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance 
                         then, shall me? (bounces and sways the 
                         bridge)
                                     DONKEY
                         Don't do that!

                                     SHREK
                         Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces 
                         the bridge again)
                                     DONKEY
                         Yes, that!

                                     SHREK
                         Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to 
                         bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across 
                         the bridge)
                                     DONKEY
                         No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

                                     SHREK
                         You said do it! I'm doin' it.

                                     DONKEY
                         I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, 
                         I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) 
                         Oh!
                                     SHREK
                         That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks 
                         towards the castle)
                                     DONKEY
                         Cool. So where is this fire-breathing 
                         pain-in-the-neck anyway?
                                     SHREK
                         Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. 
                         (chuckles)
                                     DONKEY
                         I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
               INSIDE THE CASTLE
                                     DONKEY
                         You afraid?

                                     SHREK
                         No.

                                     DONKEY
                         But...

                                     SHREK
                         Shh.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton 
                         and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong 
                         with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible 
                         response to an unfamiliar situation. 
                         Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might 
                         add. With a dragon that breathes fire 
                         and eats knights and breathes fire, 
                         it sure doesn't mean you're a coward 
                         if you're a little scared. I sure as 
                         heck ain't no coward. I know that.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. 
                         Now go over there and see if you can 
                         find any stairs.
                                     DONKEY
                         Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for 
                         the princess.
                                     SHREK
                         (putting on a helmet) The princess will 
                         be up the stairs in the highest room 
                         in the tallest tower.
                                     DONKEY
                         What makes you think she'll be there?
                                     SHREK
                         I read it in a book once. (walks off)
                                     DONKEY
                         Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle 
                         the stairs. I'll find those stairs. 
                         I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs 
                         won't know which way they're goin'. 
                         (walks off)
               EMPTY ROOM

               Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.
                                     DONKEY
                         I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it 
                         to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm 
                         the stair master. I've mastered the 
                         stairs. I wish I had a step right here. 
                         I'd step all over it.
               ELSEWHERE

               Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.

                                     SHREK
                         Well, at least we know where the princess 
                         is, but where's the...
                                     DONKEY
                         (os) Dragon!

               Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. 
               Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon 
               breathes fire.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, look out! (he manages to get 
                         a hold of the dragons tail and holds 
                         on) Got ya!
               The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek 
               goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the 
               tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying 
               on the floor.
                                     DONKEY
                         Oh! Aah! Aah!

               Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small 
               part of the bridge he's on.
                                     DONKEY
                         No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, 
                         what large teeth you have. (the dragon 
                         growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. 
                         I know you probably hear this all time 
                         from your food, but you must bleach, 
                         'cause that is one dazzling smile you 
                         got there. Do I detect a hint of minty 
                         freshness? And you know what else? You're 
                         - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! 
                         I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. 
                         You're just reeking of feminine beauty. 
                         (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes 
                         at him) What's the matter with you? 
                         You got something in your eye? Ohh. 
                         Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, 
                         but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon 
                         blows a smoke ring in the shape of a 
                         heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm 
                         an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd 
                         work out if you're gonna blow smoke 
                         rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him 
                         up with her teeth and carries him off) 
                         No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
               FIONA'S ROOM

               Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona 
               so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She 
               then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off 
               the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. 
               Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for 
               a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders 
               and shakes her away.
                                     FIONA
                         Oh! Oh!

                                     SHREK
                         Wake up!

                                     FIONA
                         What?

                                     SHREK
                         Are you Princess Fiona?

                                     FIONA
                         I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to 
                         rescue me.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

                                     FIONA
                         But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our 
                         first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, 
                         romantic moment?
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
                                     FIONA
                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should 
                         sweep me off my feet out yonder window 
                         and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
                                     SHREK
                         You've had a lot of time to plan this, 
                         haven't you?
                                     FIONA
                         (smiles) Mm-hmm.

               Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down 
               the hallway.
                                     FIONA
                         But we have to savor this moment! You 
                         could recite an epic poem for me. A 
                         ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
                                     SHREK
                         I don't think so.

                                     FIONA
                         Can I at least know the name of my champion?
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, Shrek.

                                     FIONA
                         Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds 
                         out a handkerchief) I pray that you 
                         take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
                                     SHREK
                         Thanks!

               Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.

                                     FIONA
                         (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?
                                     SHREK
                         It's on my to-do list. Now come on! 
                         (takes off running and drags Fiona behind 
                         him.)
                                     FIONA
                         But this isn't right! You were meant 
                         to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. 
                         That's what all the other knights did.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
                                     FIONA
                         That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly 
                         stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek 
                         ignores her and heads for a wooden door 
                         off to the side.) Wait. Where are you 
                         going? The exit's over there.
                                     SHREK
                         Well, I have to save my ass.

                                     FIONA
                         What kind of knight are you?

                                     SHREK
                         One of a kind. (opens the door into 
                         the throne room)
                                     DONKEY
                         (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. 
                         I believe it's healthy to get to know 
                         someone over a long period of time. 
                         Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs 
                         worriedly) (we see him up close and 
                         from a distance as Shrek sneaks into 
                         the room) I don't want to rush into 
                         a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally 
                         ready for a commitment of, uh, this 
                         - - Magnitude really is the word I'm 
                         looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that 
                         is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what 
                         are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just 
                         back up a little and take this one step 
                         at a time. We really should get to know 
                         each other first as friends or pen pals. 
                         I'm on the road a lot, but I just love 
                         receiving cards - - I'd really love 
                         to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's 
                         my tail! That's my personal tail. You're 
                         gonna tear it off. I don't give permission 
                         - - What are you gonna do with that? 
                         Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. 
                         No, no, no. No! Oh!
               Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings 
               toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks 
               up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. 
               He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps 
               Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. 
               Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and 
               roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto 
               her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms 
               a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey 
               take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and 
               then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.
                                     DONKEY
                         Hi, Princess!

                                     FIONA
                         It talks!

                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's 
                         the trick.
               They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots 
               a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a 
               crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His 
               eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles 
               off and walks lightly.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh!

               Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.
                                     SHREK
                         Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll 
                         take care of the dragon.
               Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the 
               castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping 
               chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that 
               is still around the dragons neck.
                                     SHREK
                         (echoing) Run!

               They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot 
               pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons 
               breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on 
               for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They 
               are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look 
               in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to 
               get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the 
               dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs 
               quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a 
               sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.
                                     FIONA
                         (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You 
                         did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. 
                         (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) 
                         You're - - You're wonderful. You're... 
                         (turns and sees Shrek fall down the 
                         hill and bump into Donkey) a little 
                         unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed 
                         is great, and thy heart is pure. I am 
                         eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears 
                         his throat.) And where would a brave 
                         knight be without his noble steed?
                                     DONKEY
                         I hope you heard that. She called me 
                         a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.
                                     FIONA
                         The battle is won. You may remove your 
                         helmet, good Sir Knight.
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, no.

                                     FIONA
                         Why not?

                                     SHREK
                         I have helmet hair.

                                     FIONA
                         Please. I would'st look upon the face 
                         of my rescuer.
                                     SHREK
                         No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

                                     FIONA
                         But how will you kiss me?

                                     SHREK
                         What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the 
                         job description.
                                     DONKEY
                         Maybe it's a perk.

                                     FIONA
                         No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know 
                         how it goes. A princess locked in a 
                         tower and beset by a dragon is rescued 
                         by a brave knight, and then they share 
                         true love's first kiss.
                                     DONKEY
                         Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. 
                         Wait. You think that Shrek is you true 
                         love?
                                     FIONA
                         Well, yes.

               Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.

                                     DONKEY
                         You think Shrek is your true love!
                                     FIONA
                         What is so funny?

                                     SHREK
                         Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: 
                         Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. 
                         Now - - Now remove your helmet.
                                     SHREK
                         Look. I really don't think this is a 
                         good idea.
                                     FIONA
                         Just take off the helmet.

                                     SHREK
                         I'm not going to.

                                     FIONA
                         Take it off.

                                     SHREK
                         No!

                                     FIONA
                         Now!

                                     SHREK
                         Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. 
                         (takes off his helmet)
                                     FIONA
                         You- - You're a- - an ogre.

                                     SHREK
                         Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.
                                     FIONA
                         Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is 
                         all wrong. You're not supposed to be 
                         an ogre.
                                     SHREK
                         Princess, I was sent to rescue you by 
                         Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who 
                         wants to marry you.
                                     FIONA
                         Then why didn't he come rescue me?
                                     SHREK
                         Good question. You should ask him that 
                         when we get there.
                                     FIONA
                         But I have to be rescued by my true 
                         love, not by some ogre and his- - his 
                         pet.
                                     DONKEY
                         Well, so much for noble steed.

                                     SHREK
                         You're not making my job any easier.
                                     FIONA
                         I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. 
                         You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he 
                         wants to rescue me properly, I'll be 
                         waiting for him right here.
                                     SHREK
                         Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all 
                         right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. 
                         (he swiftly picks her up and swings 
                         her over his shoulder like she was a 
                         sack of potatoes)
                                     FIONA
                         You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

                                     SHREK
                         Ya comin', Donkey?

                                     DONKEY
                         I'm right behind ya.

                                     FIONA
                         Put me down, or you will suffer the 
                         consequences! This is not dignified! 
                         Put me down!
               WOODS

               A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just 
               hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.
                                     DONKEY
                         Okay, so here's another question. Say 
                         there's a woman that digs you, right, 
                         but you don't really like her that way. 
                         How do you let her down real easy so 
                         her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't 
                         get burned to a crisp and eaten?
                                     FIONA
                         You just tell her she's not your true 
                         love. Everyone knows what happens when 
                         you find your...(Shrek drops her on 
                         the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to 
                         DuLoc the better.
                                     DONKEY
                         You're gonna love it there, Princess. 
                         It's beautiful!
                                     FIONA
                         And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? 
                         What's he like?
                                     SHREK
                         Let me put it this way, Princess. Men 
                         of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. 
                         (he and Donkey laugh)
               Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off 
               the dust and grime.
                                     DONKEY
                         I don't know. There are those who think 
                         little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: 
                         Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're 
                         just jealous you can never measure up 
                         to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. 
                         But I'll let you do the "measuring" 
                         when you see him tomorrow.
                                     FIONA
                         (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? 
                         It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop 
                         to make camp?
                                     SHREK
                         No, that'll take longer. We can keep 
                         going.
                                     FIONA
                         But there's robbers in the woods.

                                     DONKEY
                         Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting 
                         to sound good.
                                     SHREK
                         Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything 
                         we're going to see in this forest.
                                     FIONA
                         I need to find somewhere to camp now!
               Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.
               MOUNTAIN CLIFF

               Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves 
               a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.
                                     SHREK
                         Hey! Over here.

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, we can do better than that. I 
                         don't think this is fit for a princess.
                                     FIONA
                         No, no, it's perfect. It just needs 
                         a few homey touches.
                                     SHREK
                         Homey touches? Like what? (he hears 
                         a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona 
                         who has torn the bark off of a tree.)
                                     FIONA
                         A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee 
                         good night. (goes into the cave and 
                         puts the bark door up behind her)
                                     DONKEY
                         You want me to read you a bedtime story? 
                         I will.
                                     FIONA
                         (os) I said good night!

               Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the 
               boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona 
               still inside.
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, What are you doing?

                                     SHREK
                         (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh, 
                         come on. I was just kidding.
               LATER THAT NIGHT

               Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring 
               up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations 
               to Donkey.
                                     SHREK
                         And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, 
                         the only ogre to ever spit over three 
                         wheat fields.
                                     DONKEY
                         Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future 
                         from these stars?
                                     SHREK
                         The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. 
                         They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, 
                         the Flatulent. You can guess what he's 
                         famous for.
                                     DONKEY
                         I know you're making this up.

                                     SHREK
                         No, look. There he is, and there's the 
                         group of hunters running away from his 
                         stench.
                                     DONKEY
                         That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little 
                         dots.
                                     SHREK
                         You know, Donkey, sometimes things are 
                         more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.
                                     DONKEY
                         (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what 
                         we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
                                     SHREK
                         Our swamp?

                                     DONKEY
                         You know, when we're through rescuing 
                         the princess.
                                     SHREK
                         We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's 
                         no "our". There's just me and my swamp. 
                         The first thing I'm gonna do is build 
                         a ten-foot wall around my land.
                                     DONKEY
                         You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real 
                         deep just now. You know what I think? 
                         I think this whole wall thing is just 
                         a way to keep somebody out.
                                     SHREK
                         No, do ya think?

                                     DONKEY
                         Are you hidin' something?

                                     SHREK
                         Never mind, Donkey.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, this is another one of those onion 
                         things, isn't it?
                                     SHREK
                         No, this is one of those drop-it and 
                         leave-it alone things.
                                     DONKEY
                         Why don't you want to talk about it?
                                     SHREK
                         Why do you want to talk about it?

                                     DONKEY
                         Why are you blocking?

                                     SHREK
                         I'm not blocking.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, yes, you are.

                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, I'm warning you.

                                     DONKEY
                         Who you trying to keep out?

                                     SHREK
                         Everyone! Okay?

                                     DONKEY
                         (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. 
                         (grins)
               At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to 
               the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and 
                         walks over to the edge of the cliff 
                         and sits down)
                                     DONKEY
                         What's your problem? What you got against 
                         the whole world anyway?
                                     SHREK
                         Look, I'm not the one with the problem, 
                         okay? It's the world that seems to have 
                         a problem with me. People take one look 
                         at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, 
                         stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before 
                         they even know me. That's why I'm better 
                         off alone.
                                     DONKEY
                         You know what? When we met, I didn't 
                         think you was just a big, stupid, ugly 
                         ogre.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, I know.

                                     DONKEY
                         So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
                                     SHREK
                         Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small 
                         and Annoying.
                                     DONKEY
                         Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny 
                         one, right there. That one there?
               Fiona puts the door back.

                                     SHREK
                         That's the moon.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, okay.

               DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom

               The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays 
               in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic 
               Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, 
                         show her to me. Show me the princess.
                                     MIRROR
                         Hmph.

               The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Ah. Perfect.

               Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up 
               to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly 
               at her image in the mirror.
               MORNING

               Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey 
               who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes 
               across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along 
               with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles 
               to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too 
               big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but 
               she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona 
               is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still 
               sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking 
               in his sleep.
                                     DONKEY
                         (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like 
                         it like that. Come on, baby. I said 
                         I like it.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)

                                     DONKEY
                         Huh? What?

                                     SHREK
                         Wake up.

                                     DONKEY
                         What? (stretches and yawns)

                                     FIONA
                         Good morning. Hm, how do you like your 
                         eggs?
                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, good morning, Princess!

               Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.

                                     SHREK
                         What's all this about?

                                     FIONA
                         You know, we kind of got off to a bad 
                         start yesterday. I wanted to make it 
                         up to you. I mean, after all, you did 
                         rescue me.
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, thanks.

               Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.

                                     FIONA
                         Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead 
                         of us. (walks off)
               LATER

               They are once again on their way. They are walking through the 
               forest. Shrek belches.
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek!

                                     SHREK
                         What? It's a compliment. Better out 
                         than in, I always say. (laughs)
                                     DONKEY
                         Well, it's no way to behave in front 
                         of a princess.
               Fiona belches

                                     FIONA
                         Thanks.

                                     DONKEY
                         She's as nasty as you are.

                                     SHREK
                         (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly 
                         what I expected.
                                     FIONA
                         Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people 
                         before you get to know them.
               She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly 
               from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into 
               a tree.
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         La liberte! Hey!

                                     SHREK
                         Princess!

                                     FIONA
                         (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! 
                         And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses 
                         up her arm while Fiona pulls back in 
                         disgust)...beast.
                                     SHREK
                         Hey! That's my princess! Go find you 
                         own!
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a 
                         little busy here?
                                     FIONA
                         (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't 
                         know who you think you are!
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please 
                         let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. 
                         (laughs)
               Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out 
               from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.
                                     MERRY MEN
                         Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         I steal from the rich and give to the 
                         needy.
                                     MERRY MEN
                         He takes a wee percentage,

                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty 
                         damsels, man, I'm good.
                                     MERRY MEN
                         What a guy, Monsieur Hood.

                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Break it down. I like an honest fight 
                         and a saucy little maid...
                                     MERRY MEN
                         What he's basically saying is he likes 
                         to get...
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush 
                         grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.
                                     MERRY MEN
                         That's bad.

                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         When a beauty's with a beast it makes 
                         me awfully mad.
                                     MERRY MEN
                         He's mad, he's really, really mad.
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         I'll take my blade and ram it through 
                         your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 
                         'cause I'm about to start...
               There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and 
               knocks Robin Hood unconscious.
                                     FIONA
                         Man, that was annoying!

               Shrek looks at her in admiration.

                                     MERRY MAN
                         Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at 
                         Fiona but she ducks out of the way)
               The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to 
               get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.
               Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and 
               then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is 
               a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in 
               mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, 
               and Fiona begins walking away.
                                     FIONA
                         Uh, shall we?

                                     SHREK
                         Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins 
                         walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, 
                         whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come 
                         from?
                                     FIONA
                         What?

                                     SHREK
                         That! Back there. That was amazing! 
                         Where did you learn that?
                                     FIONA
                         Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, 
                         uh, one has to learn these things in 
                         case there's a...(gasps and points) 
                         there's an arrow in your butt!
                                     SHREK
                         What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you 
                         look at that? (he goes to pull it out 
                         but flinches because it's tender)
                                     FIONA
                         Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so 
                         sorry.
                                     DONKEY
                         (walking up) Why? What's wrong?

                                     FIONA
                         Shrek's hurt.

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, 
                         Shrek's gonna die.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, I'm okay.

                                     DONKEY
                         You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm 
                         too young for you to die. Keep you legs 
                         elevated. Turn your head and cough. 
                         Does anyone know the Heimlich?
                                     FIONA
                         Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help 
                         Shrek, run into the woods and find me 
                         a blue flower with red thorns.
                                     DONKEY
                         Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on 
                         it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die 
                         Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay 
                         away from the light!
                                     SHREK & FIONA
                         Donkey!

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. 
                         (runs off)
                                     SHREK
                         What are the flowers for?

                                     FIONA
                         (like it's obvious) For getting rid 
                         of Donkey.
                                     SHREK
                         Ah.

                                     FIONA
                         Now you hold still, and I'll yank this 
                         thing out. (gives the arrow a little 
                         pull)
                                     SHREK
                         (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the 
                         yankin'.
               As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and 
               Shrek keeps dodging her hands.
                                     FIONA
                         I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
                                     SHREK
                         No, it's tender.

                                     FIONA
                         Now, hold on.

                                     SHREK
                         What you're doing is the opposite of 
                         help.
                                     FIONA
                         Don't move.

                                     SHREK
                         Look, time out.

                                     FIONA
                         Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his 
                         hand over her face to stop her from 
                         getting at the arrow) Okay. What do 
                         you propose we do?
               ELSEWHERE

               Donkey is still looking for the special flower.

                                     DONKEY
                         Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, 
                         red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. 
                         This would be so much easier if I wasn't 
                         color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
                                     SHREK
                         (os) Ow!

                                     DONKEY
                         Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a 
                         flower off a nearby bush that just happens 
                         to be a blue flower with red thorns)
               THE FOREST PATH
                                     SHREK
                         Ow! Not good.

                                     FIONA
                         Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. 
                         (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just 
                         about...
                                     SHREK
                         Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall 
                         over with Fiona on top of him)
                                     DONKEY
                         Ahem.

                                     SHREK
                         (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing 
                         happend. We were just, uh - -
                                     DONKEY
                         Look, if you wanted to be alone, all 
                         you had to do was ask. Okay?
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, come on! That's the last thing on 
                         my mind. The princess here was just- 
                         - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he 
                         turns to look at Fiona who holds up 
                         the arrow with a smile) Ow!
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) 
                         That's...is that blood?
               Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue 
               on their way.
               There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. 
               Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a 
               small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as 
               Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back 
               into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting 
               and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb 
               that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it 
               around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins 
               eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. 
               Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting 
               it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning 
               it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group 
               arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.
               WINDMILL
                                     SHREK
                         There it is, Princess. Your future awaits 
                         you.
                                     FIONA
                         That's DuLoc?

                                     DONKEY
                         Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks 
                         Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, 
                         which I think means he has a really...(Shrek 
                         steps on his hoof) Ow!
                                     SHREK
                         Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move 
                         on.
                                     FIONA
                         Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried 
                         about Donkey.
                                     SHREK
                         What?

                                     FIONA
                         I mean, look at him. He doesn't look 
                         so good.
                                     DONKEY
                         What are you talking about? I'm fine.
                                     FIONA
                         (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's 
                         what they always say, and then next 
                         thing you know, you're on your back. 
                         (pause) Dead.
                                     SHREK
                         You know, she's right. You look awful. 
                         Do you want to sit down?
                                     FIONA
                         Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.
                                     DONKEY
                         I didn't want to say nothin', but I 
                         got this twinge in my neck, and when 
                         I turn my head like this, look, (turns 
                         his neck in a very sharp way until his 
                         head is completely sideways) Ow! See?
                                     SHREK
                         Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
                                     FIONA
                         I'll get the firewood.

                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't 
                         feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) 
                         I don't have any toes! I think I need 
                         a hug.
               SUNSET

               Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while 
               Fiona eats.
                                     FIONA
                         Mmm. This is good. This is really good. 
                         What is this?
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.

                                     FIONA
                         No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
                                     SHREK
                         Well, they're also great in stews. Now, 
                         I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean 
                         weed rat stew. (chuckles)
               Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.

                                     FIONA
                         I guess I'll be dining a little differently 
                         tomorrow night.
                                     SHREK
                         Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp 
                         sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff 
                         for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare 
                         - - you name it.
                                     FIONA
                         (smiles) I'd like that.

               They smiles at each other.

                                     SHREK
                         Um, Princess?

                                     FIONA
                         Yes, Shrek?

                                     SHREK
                         I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) 
                         Are you gonna eat that?
                                     DONKEY
                         (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? 
                         Just look at that sunset.
                                     FIONA
                         (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's 
                         late. I-It's very late.
                                     SHREK
                         What?

                                     DONKEY
                         Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on 
                         here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't 
                         you?
                                     FIONA
                         Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. 
                         You know, I'd better go inside.
                                     DONKEY
                         Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to 
                         be afraid of the dark, too, until - 
                         - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of 
                         the dark.
               Shrek sighs

                                     FIONA
                         Good night.

                                     SHREK
                         Good night.

               Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks 
               at Shrek with a new eye.
                                     DONKEY
                         Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on 
                         here.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, what are you talkin' about?

                                     DONKEY
                         I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm 
                         an animal, and I got instincts. And 
                         I know you two were diggin' on each 
                         other. I could feel it.
                                     SHREK
                         You're crazy. I'm just bringing her 
                         back to Farquaad.
                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell 
                         the pheromones. Just go on in and tell 
                         her how you feel.
                                     SHREK
                         I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, 
                         even if I did tell her that, well, you 
                         know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause 
                         I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm 
                         - -
                                     DONKEY
                         An ogre?

                                     SHREK
                         Yeah. An ogre.

                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, where you goin'?

                                     SHREK
                         To get... move firewood. (sighs)

               Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already 
               is.
               TIME LAPSE

               Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is 
               nowhere to be seen.
                                     DONKEY
                         Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, 
                         where are you? Princess?
               Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.
                                     DONKEY
                         It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing 
                         no games.
               Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't 
               look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking 
               out.
                                     DONKEY
                         Aah!

                                     FIONA
                         Oh, no!

                                     DONKEY
                         No, help!

                                     FIONA
                         Shh!

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

                                     FIONA
                         No, it's okay. It's okay.

                                     DONKEY
                         What did you do with the princess?
                                     FIONA
                         Donkey, I'm the princess.

                                     DONKEY
                         Aah!

                                     FIONA
                         It's me, in this body.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to 
                         her stomach) Can you hear me?
                                     FIONA
                         Donkey!

                                     DONKEY
                         (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, 
                         keep breathing! I'll get you out of 
                         there!
                                     FIONA
                         No!

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

                                     FIONA
                         Shh.

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek!

                                     FIONA
                         This is me.

               Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets 
               down.
                                     DONKEY
                         Princess? What happened to you? You're, 
                         uh, uh, uh, different.
                                     FIONA
                         I'm ugly, okay?

                                     DONKEY
                         Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 
                         'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a 
                         bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. 
                         Now - -
                                     FIONA
                         No. I - - I've been this way as long 
                         as I can remember.
                                     DONKEY
                         What do you mean? Look, I ain't never 
                         seen you like this before.
                                     FIONA
                         It only happens when sun goes down. 
                         "By night one way, by day another. This 
                         shall be the norm... until you find 
                         true love's first kiss... and then take 
                         love's true form."
                                     DONKEY
                         Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know 
                         you wrote poetry.
                                     FIONA
                         It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little 
                         girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every 
                         night I become this. This horrible, 
                         ugly beast! I was placed in a tower 
                         to await the day my true love would 
                         rescue me. That's why I have to marry 
                         Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun 
                         sets and he sees me like this. (begins 
                         to cry)
                                     DONKEY
                         All right, all right. Calm down. Look, 
                         it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. 
                         Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. 
                         But you only look like this at night. 
                         Shrek's ugly 24-7.
                                     FIONA
                         But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this 
                         is not how a princess is meant to look.
                                     DONKEY
                         Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry 
                         Farquaad?
                                     FIONA
                         I have to. Only my true love's kiss 
                         can break the spell.
                                     DONKEY
                         But, you know, um, you're kind of an 
                         orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a 
                         lot in common.
                                     FIONA
                         Shrek?

               OUTSIDE

               Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his 
               hand.
                                     SHREK
                         (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's 
                         it going, first of all? Good? Um, good 
                         for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower 
                         and thought of you because it's pretty 
                         and - - well, I don't really like it, 
                         but I thought you might like it 'cause 
                         you're pretty. But I like you anyway. 
                         I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. 
                         Okay, here we go.
               He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey 
               and Fiona talking.
                                     FIONA
                         (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. 
                         Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, 
                         really, who can ever love a beast so 
                         hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" 
                         don't go together. That's why I can't 
                         stay here with Shrek.
               Shrek steps back in shock.

                                     FIONA
                         (os) My only chance to live happily 
                         ever after is to marry my true love.
               Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks 
               away.
               INSIDE
                                     FIONA
                         Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how 
                         it has to be. It's the only way to break 
                         the spell.
                                     DONKEY
                         You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
                                     FIONA
                         No! You can't breathe a word. No one 
                         must ever know.
                                     DONKEY
                         What's the point of being able to talk 
                         if you gotta keep secrets?
                                     FIONA
                         Promise you won't tell. Promise!

                                     DONKEY
                         All right, all right. I won't tell him. 
                         But you should. (goes outside) I just 
                         know before this is over, I'm gonna 
                         need a whole lot of serious therapy. 
                         Look at my eye twitchin'.
               Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks 
               down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back 
               inside the windmill.
               MORNING

               Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still 
               awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.
                                     FIONA
                         I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, 
                         I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly 
                         runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! 
                         Shrek, there's something I want...(she 
                         looks and sees the rising sun, and as 
                         the sun crests the sky she turns back 
                         into a human.)
               Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards 
               her.
                                     FIONA
                         Shrek. Are you all right?

                                     SHREK
                         Perfect! Never been better.

                                     FIONA
                         I - - I don't - - There's something 
                         I have to tell you.
                                     SHREK
                         You don't have to tell me anything, 
                         Princess. I heard enough last night.
                                     FIONA
                         You heard what I said?

                                     SHREK
                         Every word.

                                     FIONA
                         I thought you'd understand.

                                     SHREK
                         Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who 
                         could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
                                     FIONA
                         But I thought that wouldn't matter to 
                         you.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at 
                         him in shock. He looks past her and 
                         spots a group approaching.) Ah, right 
                         on time. Princess, I've brought you 
                         a little something.
               Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal 
               sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only 
               like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers 
               march by.
                                     DONKEY
                         What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots 
                         the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? 
                         Couldn't have been the donkey.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Princess Fiona.

                                     SHREK
                         As promised. Now hand it over.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece 
                         of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared 
                         out, as agreed. Take it and go before 
                         I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) 
                         Forgive me, Princess, for startling 
                         you, but you startled me, for I have 
                         never seen such a radiant beauty before. 
                         I'm Lord Farquaad.
                                     FIONA
                         Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad 
                         snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, 
                         for I was just saying a short... (Watches 
                         as Farquaad is lifted off his horse 
                         and set down in front of her. He comes 
                         to her waist.) farewell.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have 
                         to waste good manners on the ogre. It's 
                         not like it has feelings.
                                     FIONA
                         No, you're right. It doesn't.

               Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless 
                         Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. 
                         Will you be the perfect bride for the 
                         perfect groom?
                                     FIONA
                         Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would 
                         make - -
                                     FARQUAAD
                         (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start 
                         the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
                                     FIONA
                         No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get 
                         married today before the sun sets.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. 
                         The sooner, the better. There's so much 
                         to do! There's the caterer, the cake, 
                         the band, the guest list. Captain, round 
                         up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona 
                         on the back of his horse)
                                     FIONA
                         Fare-thee-well, ogre.

               Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches 
               them go.
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting 
                         her get away.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah? So what?

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, there's something about her you 
                         don't know. Look, I talked to her last 
                         night, She's - -
                                     SHREK
                         I know you talked to her last night. 
                         You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if 
                         you two are such good friends, why don't 
                         you follow her home?
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

                                     SHREK
                         I told you, didn't I? You're not coming 
                         home with me. I live alone! My swamp! 
                         Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! 
                         Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, 
                         talking donkeys!
                                     DONKEY
                         But I thought - -

                                     SHREK
                         Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! 
                         (stomps off)
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek.

               Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona 
               being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running 
               into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner 
               alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.
               SHREK'S HOME

               Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes 
               outside to investigate.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues 
                         with what he's doing.) What are you 
                         doing?
                                     DONKEY
                         I would think, of all people, you would 
                         recognize a wall when you see one.
                                     SHREK
                         Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed 
                         to go around my swamp, not through it.
                                     DONKEY
                         It is around your half. See that's your 
                         half, and this is my half.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh! Your half. Hmm.

                                     DONKEY
                         Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. 
                         I did half the work. I get half the 
                         booty. Now hand me that big old rock, 
                         the one that looks like your head.
                                     SHREK
                         Back off!

                                     DONKEY
                         No, you back off.

                                     SHREK
                         This is my swamp!

                                     DONKEY
                         Our swamp.

                                     SHREK
                         (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working 
                         with) Let go, Donkey!
                                     DONKEY
                         You let go.

                                     SHREK
                         Stubborn jackass!

                                     DONKEY
                         Smelly ogre.

                                     SHREK
                         Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks 
                         away)
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through 
                         with you yet.
                                     SHREK
                         Well, I'm through with you.

                                     DONKEY
                         Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, 
                         "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now 
                         it's my turn! So you just shut up and 
                         pay attention! You are mean to me. You 
                         insult me and you don't appreciate anything 
                         that I do! You're always pushing me 
                         around or pushing me away.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so 
                         bad, how come you came back?
                                     DONKEY
                         Because that's what friends do! They 
                         forgive each other!
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive 
                         you... for stabbin' me in the back! 
                         (goes into the outhouse and slams the 
                         door)
                                     DONKEY
                         Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, 
                         onion boy, you're afraid of your own 
                         feelings.
                                     SHREK
                         (os) Go away!

                                     DONKEY
                         There you are , doing it again just 
                         like you did to Fiona. All she ever 
                         do was like you, maybe even love you.
                                     SHREK
                         (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a 
                         hideous creature. I heard the two of 
                         you talking.
                                     DONKEY
                         She wasn't talkin' about you. She was 
                         talkin' about, uh, somebody else.
                                     SHREK
                         (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't 
                         talking about me? Well, then who was 
                         she talking about?
                                     DONKEY
                         Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. 
                         You don't wanna listen to me. Right? 
                         Right?
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey!

                                     DONKEY
                         No!

                                     SHREK
                         Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) 
                         I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, 
                         stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, that's what friends are for, right?
                                     SHREK
                         Right. Friends?

                                     DONKEY
                         Friends.

                                     SHREK
                         So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
                                     DONKEY
                         What are you asking me for? Why don't 
                         you just go ask her?
                                     SHREK
                         The wedding! We'll never make it in 
                         time.
                                     DONKEY
                         Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's 
                         a will, there's a way and I have a way. 
                         (whistles)
               Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so 
               they can climb on.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey?

                                     DONKEY
                         I guess it's just my animal magnetism.
               They both laugh.

                                     SHREK
                         Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a 
                         noogie)
                                     DONKEY
                         All right, all right. Don't get all 
                         slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All 
                         right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't 
                         had a chance to install the seat belts 
                         yet.
               They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.

               DULOC - CHURCH

               Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. 
               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.
                                     PRIEST
                         People of DuLoc, we gather here today 
                         to bear witness to the union....
                                     FIONA
                         (eyeing the setting sun) Um-

                                     PRIEST
                         ...of our new king...

                                     FIONA
                         Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead 
                         to the "I do's"?
                                     FARQUAAD
                         (chuckles and then motions to the priest 
                         to indulge Fiona) Go on.
               COURTYARD

               Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with 
               a boom. The guards all take off running.
                                     DONKEY
                         (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. 
                         If we need you, I'll whistle. How about 
                         that? (she nods and goes after the guards) 
                         Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You 
                         wanna do this right, don't you?
                                     SHREK
                         (at the Church door) What are you talking 
                         about?
                                     DONKEY
                         There's a line you gotta wait for. The 
                         preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or 
                         forever hold your peace." That's when 
                         you say, "I object!"
                                     SHREK
                         I don't have time for this!

                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen 
                         to me! Look, you love this woman, don't 
                         you?
                                     SHREK
                         Yes.

                                     DONKEY
                         You wanna hold her?

                                     SHREK
                         Yes.

                                     DONKEY
                         Please her?

                                     SHREK
                         Yes!

                                     DONKEY
                         (singing James Brown style) Then you 
                         got to, got to try a little tenderness. 
                         (normal) The chicks love that romantic 
                         crap!
                                     SHREK
                         All right! Cut it out. When does this 
                         guy say the line?
                                     DONKEY
                         We gotta check it out.

               INSIDE CHURCH

               As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the 
               windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.
                                     PRIEST
                         And so, by the power vested in me...
               Outside

                                     SHREK
                         What do you see?

                                     DONKEY
                         The whole town's in there.

               Inside

                                     PRIEST
                         I now pronounce you husband and wife...
               Outside

                                     DONKEY
                         They're at the altar.

               Inside

                                     PRIEST
                         ...king and queen.

               Outside

                                     DONKEY
                         Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, for the love of Pete!

               He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.
               INSIDE CHURCH
                                     SHREK
                         (running toward the alter) I object!
                                     FIONA
                         Shrek?

               The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Oh, now what does he want?

                                     SHREK
                         (to congregation as he reaches the front 
                         of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' 
                         a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first 
                         of all. Very clean.
                                     FIONA
                         What are you doing here?

                                     SHREK
                         Really, it's rude enough being alive 
                         when no one wants you, but showing up 
                         uninvited to a wedding...
                                     SHREK
                         Fiona! I need to talk to you.

                                     FIONA
                         Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little 
                         late for that, so if you'll excuse me 
                         - -
                                     SHREK
                         But you can't marry him.

                                     FIONA
                         And why not?

                                     SHREK
                         Because- - Because he's just marring 
                         you so he can be king.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.
                                     SHREK
                         He's not your true love.

                                     FIONA
                         And what do you know about true love?
                                     SHREK
                         Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen 
                         in love with the princess! Oh, good 
                         Lord. (laughs)
               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The 
               whole congregation laughs.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         An ogre and a princess!

                                     FIONA
                         Shrek, is this true?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, 
                         my love, we're but a kiss away from 
                         our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! 
                         (puckers his lips and leans toward her, 
                         but she pulls back.)
                                     FIONA
                         (looking at the setting sun) "By night 
                         one way, by day another." (to Shrek) 
                         I wanted to show you before.
               She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. 
               She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.
                                     SHREK
                         Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona 
                         smiles)
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! 
                         I order you to get that out of my sight 
                         now! Get them! Get them both!
               The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights 
               them.
                                     SHREK
                         No, no!

                                     FIONA
                         Shrek!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This 
                         marriage is binding, and that makes 
                         me king! See? See?
                                     FIONA
                         No, let go of me! Shrek!

                                     SHREK
                         No!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Don't just stand there, you morons.
                                     SHREK
                         Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         I'll make you regret the day we met. 
                         I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll 
                         beg for death to save you!
                                     FIONA
                         No, Shrek!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And 
                         as for you, my wife...
                                     SHREK
                         Fiona!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         I'll have you locked back in that tower 
                         for the rest of your days! I'm king!
               Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         I will have order! I will have perfection! 
                         I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon 
                         show up and the dragon leans down and 
                         eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!
                                     DONKEY
                         All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon 
                         here, and I'm not afraid to use it. 
                         (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on 
                         the edge!
               The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth 
               and falls to the ground.
                                     DONKEY
                         Celebrity marriages. They never last, 
                         do they?
               The congregation cheers.

                                     DONKEY
                         Go ahead, Shrek.

                                     SHREK
                         Uh, Fiona?

                                     FIONA
                         Yes, Shrek?

                                     SHREK
                         I - - I love you.

                                     FIONA
                         Really?

                                     SHREK
                         Really, really.

                                     FIONA
                         (smiles) I love you too.

               Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 
               'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.
                                     CONGREGATION
                         Aawww!

               Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted 
               up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around 
               her.
                                     WHISPERS
                         "Until you find true love's first kiss 
                         and then take love's true form. Take 
                         love's true form. Take love's true form."
               Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell 
               and then is slowly lowered to the ground.
                                     SHREK
                         (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are 
                         you all right?
                                     FIONA
                         (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well, 
                         yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed 
                         to be beautiful.
                                     SHREK
                         But you ARE beautiful.

               They smile at each other.

                                     DONKEY
                         (chuckles) I was hoping this would be 
                         a happy ending.
               Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...

               THE SWAMP

               ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm 
               a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek 
               and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting 
               carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet 
               which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end 
               up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet 
               instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now 
               has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona 
               walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over 
               singing the song.
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         God bless us, every one.

                                     DONKEY
                         (as he's done singing and we fade to 
                         black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't 
                         breathe. I can't breathe.
               THE END
SHREK

                                       Written by

                                William Steig & Ted Elliott




                                     SHREK
                         Once upon a time there was a lovely 
                         princess. But she had an enchantment 
                         upon her of a fearful sort which could 
                         only be broken by love's first kiss. 
                         She was locked away in a castle guarded 
                         by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. 
                         Many brave knights had attempted to 
                         free her from this dreadful prison, 
                         but non prevailed. She waited in the 
                         dragon's keep in the highest room of 
                         the tallest tower for her true love 
                         and true love's first kiss. (laughs) 
                         Like that's ever gonna happen. What 
                         a load of - (toilet flush)
               Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his 
               day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go 
               after the ogre.
               NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME
                                     MAN1
                         Think it's in there?

                                     MAN2
                         All right. Let's get it!

                                     MAN1
                         Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that 
                         thing can do to you?
                                     MAN3
                         Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's 
                         bread.
               Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.

                                     SHREK
                         Yes, well, actually, that would be a 
                         giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. 
                         They'll make a suit from your freshly 
                         peeled skin.
                                     MEN
                         No!

                                     SHREK
                         They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the 
                         jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's 
                         quite good on toast.
                                     MAN1
                         Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! 
                         (waves the torch at Shrek.)
               Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The 
               men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long 
               and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the 
               men are in the dark.
                                     SHREK
                         This is the part where you run away. 
                         (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) 
                         And stay out! (looks down and picks 
                         up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. 
                         Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and 
                         throws the paper over his shoulder.)
               THE NEXT DAY

               There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard 
               sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures 
               to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line 
               are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto 
               who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three 
               little pigs.
                                     GUARD
                         All right. This one's full. Take it 
                         away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Next!

                                     GUARD
                         (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! 
                         Your flying days are over. (breaks the 
                         broom in half)
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. 
                         Next!
                                     GUARD
                         Get up! Come on!

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Twenty pieces.

                                     LITTLE BEAR
                         (crying) This cage is too small.

                                     DONKEY
                         Please, don't turn me in. I'll never 
                         be stubborn again. I can change. Please! 
                         Give me another chance!
                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh!

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Next! What have you got?

                                     GIPETTO
                         This little wooden puppet.

                                     PINOCCHIO
                         I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his 
                         nose grows)
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Five shillings for the possessed toy. 
                         Take it away.
                                     PINOCCHIO
                         Father, please! Don't let them do this! 
                         Help me!
               Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up 
               to the table.
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Next! What have you got?

                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Well, I've got a talking donkey.

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, 
                         if you can prove it.
                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Oh, go ahead, little fella.

               Donkey just looks up at her.

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Well?

                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little 
                         nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. 
                         Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
                                     OLD WOMAN
                         No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends 
                         to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to 
                         talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing 
                         you ever saw.
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Get her out of my sight.

                                     OLD WOMAN
                         No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

               The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One 
               of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's 
               hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled 
               with fairy dust and he's able to fly.
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey! I can fly!

                                     PETER PAN
                         He can fly!

                                     3 LITTLE PIGS
                         He can fly!

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         He can talk!

                                     DONKEY
                         Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm 
                         a flying, talking donkey. You might 
                         have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly 
                         but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey 
                         fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins 
                         to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink 
                         to the ground.)
               He hits the ground with a thud.

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) 
                         After him!
                                     GUARDS
                         He's getting away! Get him! This way! 
                         Turn!
               Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. 
               Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared 
               for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He 
               quickly hides behind Shrek.
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         You there. Ogre!

                                     SHREK
                         Aye?

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized 
                         to place you both under arrest and transport 
                         you to a designated resettlement facility.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, really? You and what army?

               He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well 
               and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail 
               and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and 
               begins walking back to his cottage.
                                     DONKEY
                         Can I say something to you? Listen, 
                         you was really, really, really somethin' 
                         back here. Incredible!
                                     SHREK
                         Are you talkin' to...(he turns around 
                         and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back 
                         around and Donkey is right in front 
                         of him.) Whoa!
                                     DONKEY
                         Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell 
                         you that you that you was great back 
                         here? Those guards! They thought they 
                         was all of that. Then you showed up, 
                         and bam! They was trippin' over themselves 
                         like babes in the woods. That really 
                         made me feel good to see that.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, that's great. Really.

                                     DONKEY
                         Man, it's good to be free.

                                     SHREK
                         Now, why don't you go celebrate your 
                         freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
                                     DONKEY
                         But, uh, I don't have any friends. And 
                         I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, 
                         wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll 
                         stick with you. You're mean, green, 
                         fightin' machine. Together we'll scare 
                         the spit out of anybody that crosses 
                         us.
               Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very 
               loudly.
                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you 
                         don't mind me sayin', if that don't 
                         work, your breath certainly will get 
                         the job done, 'cause you definitely 
                         need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause 
                         you breath stinks! You almost burned 
                         the hair outta my nose, just like the 
                         time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey 
                         continues to talk, so Shrek removes 
                         his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten 
                         berries. I had strong gases leaking 
                         out of my butt that day.
                                     SHREK
                         Why are you following me?

                                     DONKEY
                         I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause 
                         I'm all alone, There's no one here beside 
                         me, My problems have all gone, There's 
                         no one to deride me, But you gotta have 
                         faith...
                                     SHREK
                         Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't 
                         have any friends.
                                     DONKEY
                         Wow. Only a true friend would be that 
                         cruelly honest.
                                     SHREK
                         Listen, little donkey. Take a look at 
                         me. What am I?
                                     DONKEY
                         (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really 
                         tall?
                                     SHREK
                         No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your 
                         torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that 
                         bother you?
                                     DONKEY
                         Nope.

                                     SHREK
                         Really?

                                     DONKEY
                         Really, really.

                                     SHREK
                         Oh.

                                     DONKEY
                         Man, I like you. What's you name?

                                     SHREK
                         Uh, Shrek.

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek? Well, you know what I like about 
                         you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me 
                         thing. I like that. I respect that, 
                         Shrek. You all right. (They come over 
                         a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) 
                         Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live 
                         in place like that?
                                     SHREK
                         That would be my home.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. 
                         You know you are quite a decorator. 
                         It's amazing what you've done with such 
                         a modest budget. I like that boulder. 
                         That is a nice boulder. I guess you 
                         don't entertain much, do you?
                                     SHREK
                         I like my privacy.

                                     DONKEY
                         You know, I do too. That's another thing 
                         we have in common. Like I hate it when 
                         you got somebody in your face. You've 
                         trying to give them a hint, and they 
                         won't leave. There's that awkward silence. 
                         (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, what?

                                     DONKEY
                         Can I stay with you, please?

                                     SHREK
                         (sarcastically) Of course!

                                     DONKEY
                         Really?

                                     SHREK
                         No.

                                     DONKEY
                         Please! I don't wanna go back there! 
                         You don't know what it's like to be 
                         considered a freak. (pause while he 
                         looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. 
                         But that's why we gotta stick together. 
                         You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
                                     SHREK
                         Okay! Okay! But one night only.

                                     DONKEY
                         Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)
                                     SHREK
                         What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto 
                         a chair.) No! No!
                                     DONKEY
                         This is gonna be fun! We can stay up 
                         late, swappin' manly stories, and in 
                         the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh!

                                     DONKEY
                         Where do, uh, I sleep?

                                     SHREK
                         (irritated) Outside!

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, 
                         I don't know you, and you don't know 
                         me, so I guess outside is best, you 
                         know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek 
                         slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do 
                         like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was 
                         born outside. I'll just be sitting by 
                         myself outside, I guess, you know. By 
                         myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's 
                         no one here beside me...
               SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

               Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights 
               a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a 
               noise. He stands up with a huff.
                                     SHREK
                         (to Donkey) I thought I told you to 
                         stay outside.
                                     DONKEY
                         (from the window) I am outside.

               There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that 
               made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns 
               and spots 3 blind mice on his table.
                                     BLIND MOUSE1
                         Well, gents, it's a far cry from the 
                         farm, but what choice do we have?
                                     BLIND MOUSE2
                         It's not home, but it'll do just fine.
                                     GORDO
                         (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.
                                     SHREK
                         Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes 
                         and lands on his shoulder.)
                                     GORDO
                         I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's 
                         ear)
                                     SHREK
                         Ow!

                                     GORDO
                         Blah! Awful stuff.

                                     BLIND MOUSE1
                         Is that you, Gordo?

                                     GORDO
                         How did you know?

                                     SHREK
                         Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are 
                         you doing in my house? (He gets bumped 
                         from behind and he drops the mice.) 
                         Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves 
                         with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, 
                         no, no. Dead broad off the table.
                                     DWARF
                         Where are we supposed to put her? The 
                         bed's taken.
                                     SHREK
                         Huh?

               Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. 
               The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at 
               him.
                                     BIG BAD WOLF
                         What?

               TIME LAPSE

               Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging 
               him to the front door.
                                     SHREK
                         I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm 
                         a terrifying ogre! What do I have to 
                         do get a little privacy? (He opens the 
                         front door to throw the Wolf out and 
                         he sees that all the collected Fairy 
                         Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, 
                         no. No! No!
               The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his 
               pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing 
               flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.
                                     SHREK
                         What are you doing in my swamp? (this 
                         echoes and everyone falls silent.)
               Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a 
               tent.
                                     SHREK
                         All right, get out of here. All of you, 
                         move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! 
                         Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more 
                         dwarves run inside the house) No, no! 
                         No, no. Not there. Not there. (they 
                         shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to 
                         look at Donkey)
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite 
                         them.
                                     PINOCCHIO
                         Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

                                     SHREK
                         What?

                                     PINOCCHIO
                         We were forced to come here.

                                     SHREK
                         (flabbergasted) By who?

                                     LITTLE PIG
                         Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed 
                         and he...signed an eviction notice.
                                     SHREK
                         (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where 
                         this Farquaad guy is?
               Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, I do. I know where he is.

                                     SHREK
                         Does anyone else know where to find 
                         him? Anyone at all?
                                     DONKEY
                         Me! Me!

                                     SHREK
                         Anyone?

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! 
                         Me, me!
                                     SHREK
                         (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy 
                         tale things. Do not get comfortable. 
                         Your welcome is officially worn out. 
                         In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad 
                         right now and get you all off my land 
                         and back where you came from! (Pause. 
                         Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) 
                         You! You're comin' with me.
                                     DONKEY
                         All right, that's what I like to hear, 
                         man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart 
                         friends, off on a whirlwind big-city 
                         adventure. I love it!
                                     DONKEY
                         (singing) On the road again. Sing it 
                         with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get 
                         on the road again.
                                     SHREK
                         What did I say about singing?

                                     DONKEY
                         Can I whistle?

                                     SHREK
                         No.

                                     DONKEY
                         Can I hum it?

                                     SHREK
                         All right, hum it.

               Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.

               DULOC - KITCHEN

               A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually 
               dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         That's enough. He's ready to talk.
               The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down 
               onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the 
               table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes 
               up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs 
                         and plays with them) Run, run, run, 
                         as fast as you can. You can't catch 
                         me. I'm the gingerbread man.
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         You are a monster.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         I'm not the monster here. You are. You 
                         and the rest of that fairy tale trash, 
                         poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell 
                         me! Where are the others?
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's 
                         eye.)
                                     FARQUAAD
                         I've tried to be fair to you creatures. 
                         Now my patience has reached its end! 
                         Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to 
                         pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop 
                         buttons.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         All right then. Who's hiding them?
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the 
                         muffin man?
                                     FARQUAAD
                         The muffin man?

                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         The muffin man.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives 
                         on Drury Lane?
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         Well, she's married to the muffin man.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         The muffin man?

                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         The muffin man!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         She's married to the muffin man.

               The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         My lord! We found it.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Then what are you waiting for? Bring 
                         it in.
               More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. 
               They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic 
               Mirror.
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         (in awe) Ohhhh...

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Magic mirror...

                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks 
                         him up and dumps him into a trash can 
                         with a lid.) No!
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. 
                         Is this not the most perfect kingdom 
                         of them all?
                                     MIRROR
                         Well, technically you're not a king.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a 
                         hand mirror and smashes it with his 
                         fist.) You were saying?
                                     MIRROR
                         What I mean is you're not a king yet. 
                         But you can become one. All you have 
                         to do is marry a princess.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Go on.

                                     MIRROR
                         (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back 
                         and relax, my lord, because it's time 
                         for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. 
                         And here they are! Bachelorette number 
                         one is a mentally abused shut-in from 
                         a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi 
                         and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies 
                         include cooking and cleaning for her 
                         two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. 
                         (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette 
                         number two is a cape-wearing girl from 
                         the land of fancy. Although she lives 
                         with seven other men, she's not easy. 
                         Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and 
                         find out what a live wire she is. Come 
                         on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows 
                         picture of Snow White) And last, but 
                         certainly not last, bachelorette number 
                         three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded 
                         castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! 
                         But don't let that cool you off. She's 
                         a loaded pistol who likes pina colads 
                         and getting caught in the rain. Yours 
                         for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows 
                         picture of Princess Fiona) So will it 
                         be bachelorette number one, bachelorette 
                         number two or bachelorette number three?
                                     GUARDS
                         Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Three? One? Three?

                                     THELONIUS
                         Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number 
                         three, my lord!
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Okay, okay, uh, number three!

                                     MIRROR
                         Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess 
                         Fiona.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I 
                         have to do is just find someone who 
                         can go...
                                     MIRROR
                         But I probably should mention the little 
                         thing that happens at night.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         I'll do it.

                                     MIRROR
                         Yes, but after sunset...

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona 
                         my queen, and DuLoc will finally have 
                         the perfect king! Captain, assemble 
                         your finest men. We're going to have 
                         a tournament. (smiles evilly)
               DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section

               Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking 
               lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.
                                     DONKEY
                         But that's it. That's it right there. 
                         That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.
                                     SHREK
                         So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.
                                     DONKEY
                         Uh-huh. That's the place.

                                     SHREK
                         Do you think maybe he's compensating 
                         for something? (He laughs, but then 
                         groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. 
                         He continues walking through the parking 
                         lot.)
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

                                     MAN
                         Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
                                     SHREK
                         Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing 
                         a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, 
                         screams and begins running through the 
                         rows of rope to get to the front gate 
                         to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. 
                         Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just 
                         - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins 
                         walking straight through the rows. The 
                         attendant runs into a wall and falls 
                         down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then 
                         continue on into DuLoc.)
               DULOC

               They look around but all is quiet.

                                     SHREK
                         It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, look at this!

               Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box 
               marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors 
               open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin 
               to sing.
                                     WOODEN PEOPLE
                         Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town
               Here we have some rules

               Let us lay them down

               Don't make waves, stay in line

               And we'll get along fine

               DuLoc is perfect place

               Please keep off of the grass

               Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

               DuLoc is, DuLoc is

               DuLoc is perfect place.

               Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.

                                     DONKEY
                         Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready 
                         to run over and pull the lever again)
                                     SHREK
                         (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) 
                         No. No. No, no, no! No.
               They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Brave knights. You are the best and 
                         brightest in all the land. Today one 
                         of you shall prove himself...
               As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena 
               Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.
                                     SHREK
                         All right. You're going the right way 
                         for a smacked bottom.
                                     DONKEY
                         Sorry about that.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         That champion shall have the honor - 
                         - no, no - - the privilege to go forth 
                         and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona 
                         from the fiery keep of the dragon. If 
                         for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, 
                         the first runner-up will take his place 
                         and so on and so forth. Some of you 
                         may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing 
                         to make. (cheers) Let the tournament 
                         begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is 
                         that? It's hideous!
                                     SHREK
                         (turns to look at Donkey and then back 
                         at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. 
                         It's just a donkey.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who 
                         kills the ogre will be named champion! 
                         Have it him!
                                     MEN
                         Get him!

                                     SHREK
                         Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps 
                         into a table where there are mugs of 
                         beer)
                                     CROWD
                         Go ahead! Get him!

                                     SHREK
                         (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just 
                         settle this over a pint?
                                     CROWD
                         Kill the beast!

                                     SHREK
                         No? All right then. (drinks the beer) 
                         Come on!
               He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel 
               of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the 
               other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides 
               past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. 
               As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger 
               beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. 
               Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much 
               fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice 
               to say that Shrek kicks butt.
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

               Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek 
               gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah!

               A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time 
               and sees him.
                                     WOMAN
                         The chair! Give him the chair!

               Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men 
               are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding 
               sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you 
                         very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try 
                         the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)
               The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on 
               Shrek.
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Shall I give the order, sir?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         No, I have a better idea. People of 
                         DuLoc, I give you our champion!
                                     SHREK
                         What?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Congratulations, ogre. You're won the 
                         honor of embarking on a great and noble 
                         quest.
                                     SHREK
                         Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest 
                         to get my swamp back.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Your swamp?

                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those 
                         fairy tale creatures!
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you 
                         a deal. Go on this quest for me, and 
                         I'll give you your swamp back.
                                     SHREK
                         Exactly the way it was?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
                                     SHREK
                         And the squatters?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         As good as gone.

                                     SHREK
                         What kind of quest?

               Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field 
               heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.
                                     DONKEY
                         Let me get this straight. You're gonna 
                         go fight a dragon and rescue a princess 
                         just so Farquaad will give you back 
                         a swamp which you only don't have because 
                         he filled it full of freaks in the first 
                         place. Is that about right?
                                     SHREK
                         You know, maybe there's a good reason 
                         donkeys shouldn't talk.
                                     DONKEY
                         I don't get it. Why don't you just pull 
                         some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle 
                         him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds 
                         his bones to make your bread, the whole 
                         ogre trip.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have 
                         decapitated an entire village and put 
                         their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, 
                         cut open their spleen and drink their 
                         fluids. Does that sound good to you?
                                     DONKEY
                         Uh, no, not really, no.

                                     SHREK
                         For your information, there's a lot 
                         more to ogres than people think.
                                     DONKEY
                         Example?

                                     SHREK
                         Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. 
                         (he holds out his onion)
                                     DONKEY
                         (sniffs the onion) They stink?

                                     SHREK
                         Yes - - No!

                                     DONKEY
                         They make you cry?

                                     SHREK
                         No!

                                     DONKEY
                         You leave them in the sun, they get 
                         all brown, start sproutin' little white 
                         hairs.
                                     SHREK
                         No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres 
                         have layers! Onions have layers. You 
                         get it? We both have layers. (he heaves 
                         a sigh and then walks off)
                                     DONKEY
                         (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both 
                         have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, 
                         not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody 
                         loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
                                     SHREK
                         I don't care... what everyone likes. 
                         Ogres are not like cakes.
                                     DONKEY
                         You know what else everybody likes? 
                         Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, 
                         you say, "Let's get some parfait," they 
                         say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? 
                         Parfaits are delicious.
                                     SHREK
                         No! You dense, irritating, miniature 
                         beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! 
                         And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
                                     DONKEY
                         Parfaits may be the most delicious thing 
                         on the whole damn planet.
                                     SHREK
                         You know, I think I preferred your humming.
                                     DONKEY
                         Do you have a tissue or something? I'm 
                         making a mess. Just the word parfait 
                         make me start slobbering.
               They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through 
               a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying 
               to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, 
               so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.
               DRAGON'S KEEP

               Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to 
               house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.
                                     DONKEY
                         (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? 
                         You gotta warn somebody before you just 
                         crack one off. My mouth was open and 
                         everything.
                                     SHREK
                         Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd 
                         be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We 
                         must be getting close.
                                     DONKEY
                         Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking 
                         about it's the brimstone. I know what 
                         I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It 
                         didn't come off no stone neither.
               They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There 
               is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where 
               the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very 
               foreboding.
                                     SHREK
                         Sure, it's big enough, but look at the 
                         location. (laughs...then the laugh turns 
                         into a groan)
                                     DONKEY
                         Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said 
                         ogres have layers?
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, aye.

                                     DONKEY
                         Well, I have a bit of a confession to 
                         make. Donkeys don't have layers. We 
                         wear our fear right out there on our 
                         sleeves.
                                     SHREK
                         Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.
                                     DONKEY
                         You know what I mean.

                                     SHREK
                         You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
                                     DONKEY
                         No, I'm just a little uncomfortable 
                         about being on a rickety bridge over 
                         a boiling like of lava!
                                     SHREK
                         Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside 
                         ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll 
                         just tackle this thing together one 
                         little baby step at a time.
                                     DONKEY
                         Really?

                                     SHREK
                         Really, really.

                                     DONKEY
                         Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
                                     SHREK
                         Just keep moving. And don't look down.
                                     DONKEY
                         Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. 
                         Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't 
                         look down. (he steps through a rotting 
                         board and ends up looking straight down 
                         into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! 
                         Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me 
                         off, please!
                                     SHREK
                         But you're already halfway.

                                     DONKEY
                         But I know that half is safe!

                                     SHREK
                         Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. 
                         You go back.
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, no! Wait!

                                     SHREK
                         Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance 
                         then, shall me? (bounces and sways the 
                         bridge)
                                     DONKEY
                         Don't do that!

                                     SHREK
                         Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces 
                         the bridge again)
                                     DONKEY
                         Yes, that!

                                     SHREK
                         Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to 
                         bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across 
                         the bridge)
                                     DONKEY
                         No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

                                     SHREK
                         You said do it! I'm doin' it.

                                     DONKEY
                         I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, 
                         I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) 
                         Oh!
                                     SHREK
                         That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks 
                         towards the castle)
                                     DONKEY
                         Cool. So where is this fire-breathing 
                         pain-in-the-neck anyway?
                                     SHREK
                         Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. 
                         (chuckles)
                                     DONKEY
                         I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
               INSIDE THE CASTLE
                                     DONKEY
                         You afraid?

                                     SHREK
                         No.

                                     DONKEY
                         But...

                                     SHREK
                         Shh.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton 
                         and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong 
                         with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible 
                         response to an unfamiliar situation. 
                         Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might 
                         add. With a dragon that breathes fire 
                         and eats knights and breathes fire, 
                         it sure doesn't mean you're a coward 
                         if you're a little scared. I sure as 
                         heck ain't no coward. I know that.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. 
                         Now go over there and see if you can 
                         find any stairs.
                                     DONKEY
                         Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for 
                         the princess.
                                     SHREK
                         (putting on a helmet) The princess will 
                         be up the stairs in the highest room 
                         in the tallest tower.
                                     DONKEY
                         What makes you think she'll be there?
                                     SHREK
                         I read it in a book once. (walks off)
                                     DONKEY
                         Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle 
                         the stairs. I'll find those stairs. 
                         I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs 
                         won't know which way they're goin'. 
                         (walks off)
               EMPTY ROOM

               Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.
                                     DONKEY
                         I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it 
                         to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm 
                         the stair master. I've mastered the 
                         stairs. I wish I had a step right here. 
                         I'd step all over it.
               ELSEWHERE

               Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.

                                     SHREK
                         Well, at least we know where the princess 
                         is, but where's the...
                                     DONKEY
                         (os) Dragon!

               Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. 
               Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon 
               breathes fire.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, look out! (he manages to get 
                         a hold of the dragons tail and holds 
                         on) Got ya!
               The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek 
               goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the 
               tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying 
               on the floor.
                                     DONKEY
                         Oh! Aah! Aah!

               Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small 
               part of the bridge he's on.
                                     DONKEY
                         No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, 
                         what large teeth you have. (the dragon 
                         growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. 
                         I know you probably hear this all time 
                         from your food, but you must bleach, 
                         'cause that is one dazzling smile you 
                         got there. Do I detect a hint of minty 
                         freshness? And you know what else? You're 
                         - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! 
                         I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. 
                         You're just reeking of feminine beauty. 
                         (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes 
                         at him) What's the matter with you? 
                         You got something in your eye? Ohh. 
                         Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, 
                         but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon 
                         blows a smoke ring in the shape of a 
                         heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm 
                         an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd 
                         work out if you're gonna blow smoke 
                         rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him 
                         up with her teeth and carries him off) 
                         No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
               FIONA'S ROOM

               Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona 
               so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She 
               then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off 
               the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. 
               Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for 
               a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders 
               and shakes her away.
                                     FIONA
                         Oh! Oh!

                                     SHREK
                         Wake up!

                                     FIONA
                         What?

                                     SHREK
                         Are you Princess Fiona?

                                     FIONA
                         I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to 
                         rescue me.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

                                     FIONA
                         But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our 
                         first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, 
                         romantic moment?
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
                                     FIONA
                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should 
                         sweep me off my feet out yonder window 
                         and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
                                     SHREK
                         You've had a lot of time to plan this, 
                         haven't you?
                                     FIONA
                         (smiles) Mm-hmm.

               Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down 
               the hallway.
                                     FIONA
                         But we have to savor this moment! You 
                         could recite an epic poem for me. A 
                         ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
                                     SHREK
                         I don't think so.

                                     FIONA
                         Can I at least know the name of my champion?
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, Shrek.

                                     FIONA
                         Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds 
                         out a handkerchief) I pray that you 
                         take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
                                     SHREK
                         Thanks!

               Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.

                                     FIONA
                         (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?
                                     SHREK
                         It's on my to-do list. Now come on! 
                         (takes off running and drags Fiona behind 
                         him.)
                                     FIONA
                         But this isn't right! You were meant 
                         to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. 
                         That's what all the other knights did.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
                                     FIONA
                         That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly 
                         stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek 
                         ignores her and heads for a wooden door 
                         off to the side.) Wait. Where are you 
                         going? The exit's over there.
                                     SHREK
                         Well, I have to save my ass.

                                     FIONA
                         What kind of knight are you?

                                     SHREK
                         One of a kind. (opens the door into 
                         the throne room)
                                     DONKEY
                         (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. 
                         I believe it's healthy to get to know 
                         someone over a long period of time. 
                         Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs 
                         worriedly) (we see him up close and 
                         from a distance as Shrek sneaks into 
                         the room) I don't want to rush into 
                         a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally 
                         ready for a commitment of, uh, this 
                         - - Magnitude really is the word I'm 
                         looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that 
                         is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what 
                         are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just 
                         back up a little and take this one step 
                         at a time. We really should get to know 
                         each other first as friends or pen pals. 
                         I'm on the road a lot, but I just love 
                         receiving cards - - I'd really love 
                         to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's 
                         my tail! That's my personal tail. You're 
                         gonna tear it off. I don't give permission 
                         - - What are you gonna do with that? 
                         Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. 
                         No, no, no. No! Oh!
               Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings 
               toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks 
               up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. 
               He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps 
               Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. 
               Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and 
               roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto 
               her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms 
               a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey 
               take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and 
               then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.
                                     DONKEY
                         Hi, Princess!

                                     FIONA
                         It talks!

                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's 
                         the trick.
               They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots 
               a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a 
               crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His 
               eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles 
               off and walks lightly.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh!

               Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.
                                     SHREK
                         Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll 
                         take care of the dragon.
               Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the 
               castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping 
               chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that 
               is still around the dragons neck.
                                     SHREK
                         (echoing) Run!

               They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot 
               pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons 
               breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on 
               for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They 
               are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look 
               in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to 
               get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the 
               dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs 
               quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a 
               sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.
                                     FIONA
                         (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You 
                         did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. 
                         (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) 
                         You're - - You're wonderful. You're... 
                         (turns and sees Shrek fall down the 
                         hill and bump into Donkey) a little 
                         unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed 
                         is great, and thy heart is pure. I am 
                         eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears 
                         his throat.) And where would a brave 
                         knight be without his noble steed?
                                     DONKEY
                         I hope you heard that. She called me 
                         a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.
                                     FIONA
                         The battle is won. You may remove your 
                         helmet, good Sir Knight.
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, no.

                                     FIONA
                         Why not?

                                     SHREK
                         I have helmet hair.

                                     FIONA
                         Please. I would'st look upon the face 
                         of my rescuer.
                                     SHREK
                         No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

                                     FIONA
                         But how will you kiss me?

                                     SHREK
                         What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the 
                         job description.
                                     DONKEY
                         Maybe it's a perk.

                                     FIONA
                         No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know 
                         how it goes. A princess locked in a 
                         tower and beset by a dragon is rescued 
                         by a brave knight, and then they share 
                         true love's first kiss.
                                     DONKEY
                         Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. 
                         Wait. You think that Shrek is you true 
                         love?
                                     FIONA
                         Well, yes.

               Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.

                                     DONKEY
                         You think Shrek is your true love!
                                     FIONA
                         What is so funny?

                                     SHREK
                         Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: 
                         Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. 
                         Now - - Now remove your helmet.
                                     SHREK
                         Look. I really don't think this is a 
                         good idea.
                                     FIONA
                         Just take off the helmet.

                                     SHREK
                         I'm not going to.

                                     FIONA
                         Take it off.

                                     SHREK
                         No!

                                     FIONA
                         Now!

                                     SHREK
                         Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. 
                         (takes off his helmet)
                                     FIONA
                         You- - You're a- - an ogre.

                                     SHREK
                         Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.
                                     FIONA
                         Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is 
                         all wrong. You're not supposed to be 
                         an ogre.
                                     SHREK
                         Princess, I was sent to rescue you by 
                         Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who 
                         wants to marry you.
                                     FIONA
                         Then why didn't he come rescue me?
                                     SHREK
                         Good question. You should ask him that 
                         when we get there.
                                     FIONA
                         But I have to be rescued by my true 
                         love, not by some ogre and his- - his 
                         pet.
                                     DONKEY
                         Well, so much for noble steed.

                                     SHREK
                         You're not making my job any easier.
                                     FIONA
                         I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. 
                         You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he 
                         wants to rescue me properly, I'll be 
                         waiting for him right here.
                                     SHREK
                         Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all 
                         right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. 
                         (he swiftly picks her up and swings 
                         her over his shoulder like she was a 
                         sack of potatoes)
                                     FIONA
                         You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

                                     SHREK
                         Ya comin', Donkey?

                                     DONKEY
                         I'm right behind ya.

                                     FIONA
                         Put me down, or you will suffer the 
                         consequences! This is not dignified! 
                         Put me down!
               WOODS

               A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just 
               hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.
                                     DONKEY
                         Okay, so here's another question. Say 
                         there's a woman that digs you, right, 
                         but you don't really like her that way. 
                         How do you let her down real easy so 
                         her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't 
                         get burned to a crisp and eaten?
                                     FIONA
                         You just tell her she's not your true 
                         love. Everyone knows what happens when 
                         you find your...(Shrek drops her on 
                         the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to 
                         DuLoc the better.
                                     DONKEY
                         You're gonna love it there, Princess. 
                         It's beautiful!
                                     FIONA
                         And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? 
                         What's he like?
                                     SHREK
                         Let me put it this way, Princess. Men 
                         of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. 
                         (he and Donkey laugh)
               Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off 
               the dust and grime.
                                     DONKEY
                         I don't know. There are those who think 
                         little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: 
                         Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're 
                         just jealous you can never measure up 
                         to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. 
                         But I'll let you do the "measuring" 
                         when you see him tomorrow.
                                     FIONA
                         (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? 
                         It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop 
                         to make camp?
                                     SHREK
                         No, that'll take longer. We can keep 
                         going.
                                     FIONA
                         But there's robbers in the woods.

                                     DONKEY
                         Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting 
                         to sound good.
                                     SHREK
                         Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything 
                         we're going to see in this forest.
                                     FIONA
                         I need to find somewhere to camp now!
               Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.
               MOUNTAIN CLIFF

               Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves 
               a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.
                                     SHREK
                         Hey! Over here.

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, we can do better than that. I 
                         don't think this is fit for a princess.
                                     FIONA
                         No, no, it's perfect. It just needs 
                         a few homey touches.
                                     SHREK
                         Homey touches? Like what? (he hears 
                         a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona 
                         who has torn the bark off of a tree.)
                                     FIONA
                         A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee 
                         good night. (goes into the cave and 
                         puts the bark door up behind her)
                                     DONKEY
                         You want me to read you a bedtime story? 
                         I will.
                                     FIONA
                         (os) I said good night!

               Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the 
               boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona 
               still inside.
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, What are you doing?

                                     SHREK
                         (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh, 
                         come on. I was just kidding.
               LATER THAT NIGHT

               Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring 
               up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations 
               to Donkey.
                                     SHREK
                         And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, 
                         the only ogre to ever spit over three 
                         wheat fields.
                                     DONKEY
                         Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future 
                         from these stars?
                                     SHREK
                         The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. 
                         They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, 
                         the Flatulent. You can guess what he's 
                         famous for.
                                     DONKEY
                         I know you're making this up.

                                     SHREK
                         No, look. There he is, and there's the 
                         group of hunters running away from his 
                         stench.
                                     DONKEY
                         That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little 
                         dots.
                                     SHREK
                         You know, Donkey, sometimes things are 
                         more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.
                                     DONKEY
                         (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what 
                         we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
                                     SHREK
                         Our swamp?

                                     DONKEY
                         You know, when we're through rescuing 
                         the princess.
                                     SHREK
                         We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's 
                         no "our". There's just me and my swamp. 
                         The first thing I'm gonna do is build 
                         a ten-foot wall around my land.
                                     DONKEY
                         You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real 
                         deep just now. You know what I think? 
                         I think this whole wall thing is just 
                         a way to keep somebody out.
                                     SHREK
                         No, do ya think?

                                     DONKEY
                         Are you hidin' something?

                                     SHREK
                         Never mind, Donkey.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, this is another one of those onion 
                         things, isn't it?
                                     SHREK
                         No, this is one of those drop-it and 
                         leave-it alone things.
                                     DONKEY
                         Why don't you want to talk about it?
                                     SHREK
                         Why do you want to talk about it?

                                     DONKEY
                         Why are you blocking?

                                     SHREK
                         I'm not blocking.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, yes, you are.

                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, I'm warning you.

                                     DONKEY
                         Who you trying to keep out?

                                     SHREK
                         Everyone! Okay?

                                     DONKEY
                         (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. 
                         (grins)
               At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to 
               the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and 
                         walks over to the edge of the cliff 
                         and sits down)
                                     DONKEY
                         What's your problem? What you got against 
                         the whole world anyway?
                                     SHREK
                         Look, I'm not the one with the problem, 
                         okay? It's the world that seems to have 
                         a problem with me. People take one look 
                         at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, 
                         stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before 
                         they even know me. That's why I'm better 
                         off alone.
                                     DONKEY
                         You know what? When we met, I didn't 
                         think you was just a big, stupid, ugly 
                         ogre.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, I know.

                                     DONKEY
                         So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
                                     SHREK
                         Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small 
                         and Annoying.
                                     DONKEY
                         Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny 
                         one, right there. That one there?
               Fiona puts the door back.

                                     SHREK
                         That's the moon.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, okay.

               DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom

               The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays 
               in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic 
               Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, 
                         show her to me. Show me the princess.
                                     MIRROR
                         Hmph.

               The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Ah. Perfect.

               Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up 
               to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly 
               at her image in the mirror.
               MORNING

               Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey 
               who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes 
               across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along 
               with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles 
               to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too 
               big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but 
               she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona 
               is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still 
               sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking 
               in his sleep.
                                     DONKEY
                         (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like 
                         it like that. Come on, baby. I said 
                         I like it.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)

                                     DONKEY
                         Huh? What?

                                     SHREK
                         Wake up.

                                     DONKEY
                         What? (stretches and yawns)

                                     FIONA
                         Good morning. Hm, how do you like your 
                         eggs?
                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, good morning, Princess!

               Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.

                                     SHREK
                         What's all this about?

                                     FIONA
                         You know, we kind of got off to a bad 
                         start yesterday. I wanted to make it 
                         up to you. I mean, after all, you did 
                         rescue me.
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, thanks.

               Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.

                                     FIONA
                         Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead 
                         of us. (walks off)
               LATER

               They are once again on their way. They are walking through the 
               forest. Shrek belches.
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek!

                                     SHREK
                         What? It's a compliment. Better out 
                         than in, I always say. (laughs)
                                     DONKEY
                         Well, it's no way to behave in front 
                         of a princess.
               Fiona belches

                                     FIONA
                         Thanks.

                                     DONKEY
                         She's as nasty as you are.

                                     SHREK
                         (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly 
                         what I expected.
                                     FIONA
                         Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people 
                         before you get to know them.
               She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly 
               from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into 
               a tree.
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         La liberte! Hey!

                                     SHREK
                         Princess!

                                     FIONA
                         (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! 
                         And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses 
                         up her arm while Fiona pulls back in 
                         disgust)...beast.
                                     SHREK
                         Hey! That's my princess! Go find you 
                         own!
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a 
                         little busy here?
                                     FIONA
                         (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't 
                         know who you think you are!
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please 
                         let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. 
                         (laughs)
               Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out 
               from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.
                                     MERRY MEN
                         Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         I steal from the rich and give to the 
                         needy.
                                     MERRY MEN
                         He takes a wee percentage,

                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty 
                         damsels, man, I'm good.
                                     MERRY MEN
                         What a guy, Monsieur Hood.

                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Break it down. I like an honest fight 
                         and a saucy little maid...
                                     MERRY MEN
                         What he's basically saying is he likes 
                         to get...
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush 
                         grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.
                                     MERRY MEN
                         That's bad.

                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         When a beauty's with a beast it makes 
                         me awfully mad.
                                     MERRY MEN
                         He's mad, he's really, really mad.
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         I'll take my blade and ram it through 
                         your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 
                         'cause I'm about to start...
               There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and 
               knocks Robin Hood unconscious.
                                     FIONA
                         Man, that was annoying!

               Shrek looks at her in admiration.

                                     MERRY MAN
                         Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at 
                         Fiona but she ducks out of the way)
               The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to 
               get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.
               Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and 
               then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is 
               a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in 
               mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, 
               and Fiona begins walking away.
                                     FIONA
                         Uh, shall we?

                                     SHREK
                         Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins 
                         walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, 
                         whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come 
                         from?
                                     FIONA
                         What?

                                     SHREK
                         That! Back there. That was amazing! 
                         Where did you learn that?
                                     FIONA
                         Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, 
                         uh, one has to learn these things in 
                         case there's a...(gasps and points) 
                         there's an arrow in your butt!
                                     SHREK
                         What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you 
                         look at that? (he goes to pull it out 
                         but flinches because it's tender)
                                     FIONA
                         Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so 
                         sorry.
                                     DONKEY
                         (walking up) Why? What's wrong?

                                     FIONA
                         Shrek's hurt.

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, 
                         Shrek's gonna die.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, I'm okay.

                                     DONKEY
                         You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm 
                         too young for you to die. Keep you legs 
                         elevated. Turn your head and cough. 
                         Does anyone know the Heimlich?
                                     FIONA
                         Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help 
                         Shrek, run into the woods and find me 
                         a blue flower with red thorns.
                                     DONKEY
                         Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on 
                         it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die 
                         Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay 
                         away from the light!
                                     SHREK & FIONA
                         Donkey!

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. 
                         (runs off)
                                     SHREK
                         What are the flowers for?

                                     FIONA
                         (like it's obvious) For getting rid 
                         of Donkey.
                                     SHREK
                         Ah.

                                     FIONA
                         Now you hold still, and I'll yank this 
                         thing out. (gives the arrow a little 
                         pull)
                                     SHREK
                         (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the 
                         yankin'.
               As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and 
               Shrek keeps dodging her hands.
                                     FIONA
                         I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
                                     SHREK
                         No, it's tender.

                                     FIONA
                         Now, hold on.

                                     SHREK
                         What you're doing is the opposite of 
                         help.
                                     FIONA
                         Don't move.

                                     SHREK
                         Look, time out.

                                     FIONA
                         Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his 
                         hand over her face to stop her from 
                         getting at the arrow) Okay. What do 
                         you propose we do?
               ELSEWHERE

               Donkey is still looking for the special flower.

                                     DONKEY
                         Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, 
                         red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. 
                         This would be so much easier if I wasn't 
                         color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
                                     SHREK
                         (os) Ow!

                                     DONKEY
                         Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a 
                         flower off a nearby bush that just happens 
                         to be a blue flower with red thorns)
               THE FOREST PATH
                                     SHREK
                         Ow! Not good.

                                     FIONA
                         Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. 
                         (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just 
                         about...
                                     SHREK
                         Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall 
                         over with Fiona on top of him)
                                     DONKEY
                         Ahem.

                                     SHREK
                         (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing 
                         happend. We were just, uh - -
                                     DONKEY
                         Look, if you wanted to be alone, all 
                         you had to do was ask. Okay?
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, come on! That's the last thing on 
                         my mind. The princess here was just- 
                         - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he 
                         turns to look at Fiona who holds up 
                         the arrow with a smile) Ow!
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) 
                         That's...is that blood?
               Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue 
               on their way.
               There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. 
               Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a 
               small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as 
               Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back 
               into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting 
               and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb 
               that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it 
               around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins 
               eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. 
               Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting 
               it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning 
               it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group 
               arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.
               WINDMILL
                                     SHREK
                         There it is, Princess. Your future awaits 
                         you.
                                     FIONA
                         That's DuLoc?

                                     DONKEY
                         Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks 
                         Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, 
                         which I think means he has a really...(Shrek 
                         steps on his hoof) Ow!
                                     SHREK
                         Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move 
                         on.
                                     FIONA
                         Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried 
                         about Donkey.
                                     SHREK
                         What?

                                     FIONA
                         I mean, look at him. He doesn't look 
                         so good.
                                     DONKEY
                         What are you talking about? I'm fine.
                                     FIONA
                         (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's 
                         what they always say, and then next 
                         thing you know, you're on your back. 
                         (pause) Dead.
                                     SHREK
                         You know, she's right. You look awful. 
                         Do you want to sit down?
                                     FIONA
                         Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.
                                     DONKEY
                         I didn't want to say nothin', but I 
                         got this twinge in my neck, and when 
                         I turn my head like this, look, (turns 
                         his neck in a very sharp way until his 
                         head is completely sideways) Ow! See?
                                     SHREK
                         Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
                                     FIONA
                         I'll get the firewood.

                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't 
                         feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) 
                         I don't have any toes! I think I need 
                         a hug.
               SUNSET

               Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while 
               Fiona eats.
                                     FIONA
                         Mmm. This is good. This is really good. 
                         What is this?
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.

                                     FIONA
                         No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
                                     SHREK
                         Well, they're also great in stews. Now, 
                         I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean 
                         weed rat stew. (chuckles)
               Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.

                                     FIONA
                         I guess I'll be dining a little differently 
                         tomorrow night.
                                     SHREK
                         Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp 
                         sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff 
                         for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare 
                         - - you name it.
                                     FIONA
                         (smiles) I'd like that.

               They smiles at each other.

                                     SHREK
                         Um, Princess?

                                     FIONA
                         Yes, Shrek?

                                     SHREK
                         I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) 
                         Are you gonna eat that?
                                     DONKEY
                         (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? 
                         Just look at that sunset.
                                     FIONA
                         (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's 
                         late. I-It's very late.
                                     SHREK
                         What?

                                     DONKEY
                         Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on 
                         here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't 
                         you?
                                     FIONA
                         Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. 
                         You know, I'd better go inside.
                                     DONKEY
                         Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to 
                         be afraid of the dark, too, until - 
                         - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of 
                         the dark.
               Shrek sighs

                                     FIONA
                         Good night.

                                     SHREK
                         Good night.

               Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks 
               at Shrek with a new eye.
                                     DONKEY
                         Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on 
                         here.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, what are you talkin' about?

                                     DONKEY
                         I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm 
                         an animal, and I got instincts. And 
                         I know you two were diggin' on each 
                         other. I could feel it.
                                     SHREK
                         You're crazy. I'm just bringing her 
                         back to Farquaad.
                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell 
                         the pheromones. Just go on in and tell 
                         her how you feel.
                                     SHREK
                         I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, 
                         even if I did tell her that, well, you 
                         know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause 
                         I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm 
                         - -
                                     DONKEY
                         An ogre?

                                     SHREK
                         Yeah. An ogre.

                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, where you goin'?

                                     SHREK
                         To get... move firewood. (sighs)

               Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already 
               is.
               TIME LAPSE

               Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is 
               nowhere to be seen.
                                     DONKEY
                         Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, 
                         where are you? Princess?
               Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.
                                     DONKEY
                         It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing 
                         no games.
               Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't 
               look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking 
               out.
                                     DONKEY
                         Aah!

                                     FIONA
                         Oh, no!

                                     DONKEY
                         No, help!

                                     FIONA
                         Shh!

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

                                     FIONA
                         No, it's okay. It's okay.

                                     DONKEY
                         What did you do with the princess?
                                     FIONA
                         Donkey, I'm the princess.

                                     DONKEY
                         Aah!

                                     FIONA
                         It's me, in this body.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to 
                         her stomach) Can you hear me?
                                     FIONA
                         Donkey!

                                     DONKEY
                         (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, 
                         keep breathing! I'll get you out of 
                         there!
                                     FIONA
                         No!

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

                                     FIONA
                         Shh.

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek!

                                     FIONA
                         This is me.

               Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets 
               down.
                                     DONKEY
                         Princess? What happened to you? You're, 
                         uh, uh, uh, different.
                                     FIONA
                         I'm ugly, okay?

                                     DONKEY
                         Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 
                         'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a 
                         bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. 
                         Now - -
                                     FIONA
                         No. I - - I've been this way as long 
                         as I can remember.
                                     DONKEY
                         What do you mean? Look, I ain't never 
                         seen you like this before.
                                     FIONA
                         It only happens when sun goes down. 
                         "By night one way, by day another. This 
                         shall be the norm... until you find 
                         true love's first kiss... and then take 
                         love's true form."
                                     DONKEY
                         Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know 
                         you wrote poetry.
                                     FIONA
                         It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little 
                         girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every 
                         night I become this. This horrible, 
                         ugly beast! I was placed in a tower 
                         to await the day my true love would 
                         rescue me. That's why I have to marry 
                         Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun 
                         sets and he sees me like this. (begins 
                         to cry)
                                     DONKEY
                         All right, all right. Calm down. Look, 
                         it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. 
                         Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. 
                         But you only look like this at night. 
                         Shrek's ugly 24-7.
                                     FIONA
                         But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this 
                         is not how a princess is meant to look.
                                     DONKEY
                         Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry 
                         Farquaad?
                                     FIONA
                         I have to. Only my true love's kiss 
                         can break the spell.
                                     DONKEY
                         But, you know, um, you're kind of an 
                         orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a 
                         lot in common.
                                     FIONA
                         Shrek?

               OUTSIDE

               Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his 
               hand.
                                     SHREK
                         (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's 
                         it going, first of all? Good? Um, good 
                         for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower 
                         and thought of you because it's pretty 
                         and - - well, I don't really like it, 
                         but I thought you might like it 'cause 
                         you're pretty. But I like you anyway. 
                         I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. 
                         Okay, here we go.
               He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey 
               and Fiona talking.
                                     FIONA
                         (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. 
                         Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, 
                         really, who can ever love a beast so 
                         hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" 
                         don't go together. That's why I can't 
                         stay here with Shrek.
               Shrek steps back in shock.

                                     FIONA
                         (os) My only chance to live happily 
                         ever after is to marry my true love.
               Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks 
               away.
               INSIDE
                                     FIONA
                         Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how 
                         it has to be. It's the only way to break 
                         the spell.
                                     DONKEY
                         You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
                                     FIONA
                         No! You can't breathe a word. No one 
                         must ever know.
                                     DONKEY
                         What's the point of being able to talk 
                         if you gotta keep secrets?
                                     FIONA
                         Promise you won't tell. Promise!

                                     DONKEY
                         All right, all right. I won't tell him. 
                         But you should. (goes outside) I just 
                         know before this is over, I'm gonna 
                         need a whole lot of serious therapy. 
                         Look at my eye twitchin'.
               Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks 
               down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back 
               inside the windmill.
               MORNING

               Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still 
               awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.
                                     FIONA
                         I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, 
                         I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly 
                         runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! 
                         Shrek, there's something I want...(she 
                         looks and sees the rising sun, and as 
                         the sun crests the sky she turns back 
                         into a human.)
               Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards 
               her.
                                     FIONA
                         Shrek. Are you all right?

                                     SHREK
                         Perfect! Never been better.

                                     FIONA
                         I - - I don't - - There's something 
                         I have to tell you.
                                     SHREK
                         You don't have to tell me anything, 
                         Princess. I heard enough last night.
                                     FIONA
                         You heard what I said?

                                     SHREK
                         Every word.

                                     FIONA
                         I thought you'd understand.

                                     SHREK
                         Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who 
                         could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
                                     FIONA
                         But I thought that wouldn't matter to 
                         you.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at 
                         him in shock. He looks past her and 
                         spots a group approaching.) Ah, right 
                         on time. Princess, I've brought you 
                         a little something.
               Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal 
               sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only 
               like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers 
               march by.
                                     DONKEY
                         What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots 
                         the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? 
                         Couldn't have been the donkey.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Princess Fiona.

                                     SHREK
                         As promised. Now hand it over.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece 
                         of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared 
                         out, as agreed. Take it and go before 
                         I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) 
                         Forgive me, Princess, for startling 
                         you, but you startled me, for I have 
                         never seen such a radiant beauty before. 
                         I'm Lord Farquaad.
                                     FIONA
                         Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad 
                         snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, 
                         for I was just saying a short... (Watches 
                         as Farquaad is lifted off his horse 
                         and set down in front of her. He comes 
                         to her waist.) farewell.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have 
                         to waste good manners on the ogre. It's 
                         not like it has feelings.
                                     FIONA
                         No, you're right. It doesn't.

               Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless 
                         Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. 
                         Will you be the perfect bride for the 
                         perfect groom?
                                     FIONA
                         Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would 
                         make - -
                                     FARQUAAD
                         (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start 
                         the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
                                     FIONA
                         No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get 
                         married today before the sun sets.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. 
                         The sooner, the better. There's so much 
                         to do! There's the caterer, the cake, 
                         the band, the guest list. Captain, round 
                         up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona 
                         on the back of his horse)
                                     FIONA
                         Fare-thee-well, ogre.

               Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches 
               them go.
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting 
                         her get away.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah? So what?

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, there's something about her you 
                         don't know. Look, I talked to her last 
                         night, She's - -
                                     SHREK
                         I know you talked to her last night. 
                         You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if 
                         you two are such good friends, why don't 
                         you follow her home?
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

                                     SHREK
                         I told you, didn't I? You're not coming 
                         home with me. I live alone! My swamp! 
                         Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! 
                         Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, 
                         talking donkeys!
                                     DONKEY
                         But I thought - -

                                     SHREK
                         Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! 
                         (stomps off)
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek.

               Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona 
               being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running 
               into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner 
               alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.
               SHREK'S HOME

               Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes 
               outside to investigate.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues 
                         with what he's doing.) What are you 
                         doing?
                                     DONKEY
                         I would think, of all people, you would 
                         recognize a wall when you see one.
                                     SHREK
                         Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed 
                         to go around my swamp, not through it.
                                     DONKEY
                         It is around your half. See that's your 
                         half, and this is my half.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh! Your half. Hmm.

                                     DONKEY
                         Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. 
                         I did half the work. I get half the 
                         booty. Now hand me that big old rock, 
                         the one that looks like your head.
                                     SHREK
                         Back off!

                                     DONKEY
                         No, you back off.

                                     SHREK
                         This is my swamp!

                                     DONKEY
                         Our swamp.

                                     SHREK
                         (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working 
                         with) Let go, Donkey!
                                     DONKEY
                         You let go.

                                     SHREK
                         Stubborn jackass!

                                     DONKEY
                         Smelly ogre.

                                     SHREK
                         Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks 
                         away)
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through 
                         with you yet.
                                     SHREK
                         Well, I'm through with you.

                                     DONKEY
                         Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, 
                         "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now 
                         it's my turn! So you just shut up and 
                         pay attention! You are mean to me. You 
                         insult me and you don't appreciate anything 
                         that I do! You're always pushing me 
                         around or pushing me away.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so 
                         bad, how come you came back?
                                     DONKEY
                         Because that's what friends do! They 
                         forgive each other!
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive 
                         you... for stabbin' me in the back! 
                         (goes into the outhouse and slams the 
                         door)
                                     DONKEY
                         Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, 
                         onion boy, you're afraid of your own 
                         feelings.
                                     SHREK
                         (os) Go away!

                                     DONKEY
                         There you are , doing it again just 
                         like you did to Fiona. All she ever 
                         do was like you, maybe even love you.
                                     SHREK
                         (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a 
                         hideous creature. I heard the two of 
                         you talking.
                                     DONKEY
                         She wasn't talkin' about you. She was 
                         talkin' about, uh, somebody else.
                                     SHREK
                         (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't 
                         talking about me? Well, then who was 
                         she talking about?
                                     DONKEY
                         Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. 
                         You don't wanna listen to me. Right? 
                         Right?
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey!

                                     DONKEY
                         No!

                                     SHREK
                         Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) 
                         I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, 
                         stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, that's what friends are for, right?
                                     SHREK
                         Right. Friends?

                                     DONKEY
                         Friends.

                                     SHREK
                         So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
                                     DONKEY
                         What are you asking me for? Why don't 
                         you just go ask her?
                                     SHREK
                         The wedding! We'll never make it in 
                         time.
                                     DONKEY
                         Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's 
                         a will, there's a way and I have a way. 
                         (whistles)
               Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so 
               they can climb on.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey?

                                     DONKEY
                         I guess it's just my animal magnetism.
               They both laugh.

                                     SHREK
                         Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a 
                         noogie)
                                     DONKEY
                         All right, all right. Don't get all 
                         slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All 
                         right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't 
                         had a chance to install the seat belts 
                         yet.
               They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.

               DULOC - CHURCH

               Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. 
               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.
                                     PRIEST
                         People of DuLoc, we gather here today 
                         to bear witness to the union....
                                     FIONA
                         (eyeing the setting sun) Um-

                                     PRIEST
                         ...of our new king...

                                     FIONA
                         Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead 
                         to the "I do's"?
                                     FARQUAAD
                         (chuckles and then motions to the priest 
                         to indulge Fiona) Go on.
               COURTYARD

               Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with 
               a boom. The guards all take off running.
                                     DONKEY
                         (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. 
                         If we need you, I'll whistle. How about 
                         that? (she nods and goes after the guards) 
                         Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You 
                         wanna do this right, don't you?
                                     SHREK
                         (at the Church door) What are you talking 
                         about?
                                     DONKEY
                         There's a line you gotta wait for. The 
                         preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or 
                         forever hold your peace." That's when 
                         you say, "I object!"
                                     SHREK
                         I don't have time for this!

                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen 
                         to me! Look, you love this woman, don't 
                         you?
                                     SHREK
                         Yes.

                                     DONKEY
                         You wanna hold her?

                                     SHREK
                         Yes.

                                     DONKEY
                         Please her?

                                     SHREK
                         Yes!

                                     DONKEY
                         (singing James Brown style) Then you 
                         got to, got to try a little tenderness. 
                         (normal) The chicks love that romantic 
                         crap!
                                     SHREK
                         All right! Cut it out. When does this 
                         guy say the line?
                                     DONKEY
                         We gotta check it out.

               INSIDE CHURCH

               As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the 
               windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.
                                     PRIEST
                         And so, by the power vested in me...
               Outside

                                     SHREK
                         What do you see?

                                     DONKEY
                         The whole town's in there.

               Inside

                                     PRIEST
                         I now pronounce you husband and wife...
               Outside

                                     DONKEY
                         They're at the altar.

               Inside

                                     PRIEST
                         ...king and queen.

               Outside

                                     DONKEY
                         Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, for the love of Pete!

               He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.
               INSIDE CHURCH
                                     SHREK
                         (running toward the alter) I object!
                                     FIONA
                         Shrek?

               The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Oh, now what does he want?

                                     SHREK
                         (to congregation as he reaches the front 
                         of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' 
                         a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first 
                         of all. Very clean.
                                     FIONA
                         What are you doing here?

                                     SHREK
                         Really, it's rude enough being alive 
                         when no one wants you, but showing up 
                         uninvited to a wedding...
                                     SHREK
                         Fiona! I need to talk to you.

                                     FIONA
                         Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little 
                         late for that, so if you'll excuse me 
                         - -
                                     SHREK
                         But you can't marry him.

                                     FIONA
                         And why not?

                                     SHREK
                         Because- - Because he's just marring 
                         you so he can be king.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.
                                     SHREK
                         He's not your true love.

                                     FIONA
                         And what do you know about true love?
                                     SHREK
                         Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen 
                         in love with the princess! Oh, good 
                         Lord. (laughs)
               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The 
               whole congregation laughs.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         An ogre and a princess!

                                     FIONA
                         Shrek, is this true?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, 
                         my love, we're but a kiss away from 
                         our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! 
                         (puckers his lips and leans toward her, 
                         but she pulls back.)
                                     FIONA
                         (looking at the setting sun) "By night 
                         one way, by day another." (to Shrek) 
                         I wanted to show you before.
               She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. 
               She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.
                                     SHREK
                         Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona 
                         smiles)
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! 
                         I order you to get that out of my sight 
                         now! Get them! Get them both!
               The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights 
               them.
                                     SHREK
                         No, no!

                                     FIONA
                         Shrek!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This 
                         marriage is binding, and that makes 
                         me king! See? See?
                                     FIONA
                         No, let go of me! Shrek!

                                     SHREK
                         No!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Don't just stand there, you morons.
                                     SHREK
                         Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         I'll make you regret the day we met. 
                         I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll 
                         beg for death to save you!
                                     FIONA
                         No, Shrek!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And 
                         as for you, my wife...
                                     SHREK
                         Fiona!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         I'll have you locked back in that tower 
                         for the rest of your days! I'm king!
               Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         I will have order! I will have perfection! 
                         I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon 
                         show up and the dragon leans down and 
                         eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!
                                     DONKEY
                         All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon 
                         here, and I'm not afraid to use it. 
                         (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on 
                         the edge!
               The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth 
               and falls to the ground.
                                     DONKEY
                         Celebrity marriages. They never last, 
                         do they?
               The congregation cheers.

                                     DONKEY
                         Go ahead, Shrek.

                                     SHREK
                         Uh, Fiona?

                                     FIONA
                         Yes, Shrek?

                                     SHREK
                         I - - I love you.

                                     FIONA
                         Really?

                                     SHREK
                         Really, really.

                                     FIONA
                         (smiles) I love you too.

               Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 
               'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.
                                     CONGREGATION
                         Aawww!

               Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted 
               up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around 
               her.
                                     WHISPERS
                         "Until you find true love's first kiss 
                         and then take love's true form. Take 
                         love's true form. Take love's true form."
               Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell 
               and then is slowly lowered to the ground.
                                     SHREK
                         (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are 
                         you all right?
                                     FIONA
                         (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well, 
                         yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed 
                         to be beautiful.
                                     SHREK
                         But you ARE beautiful.

               They smile at each other.

                                     DONKEY
                         (chuckles) I was hoping this would be 
                         a happy ending.
               Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...

               THE SWAMP

               ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm 
               a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek 
               and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting 
               carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet 
               which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end 
               up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet 
               instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now 
               has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona 
               walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over 
               singing the song.
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         God bless us, every one.

                                     DONKEY
                         (as he's done singing and we fade to 
                         black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't 
                         breathe. I can't breathe.
               THE END
{Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go.Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your fiying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Orge! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My promlems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - - Really tall? -No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts} -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gusps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right, hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me!{Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Ginerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas And getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into yoga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans} -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect ...... place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl can do what she wants to do And that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs} -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. -Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring} -Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry? -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. -You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think she'll be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creacing} -I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. -Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams} {Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars} {Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams} -Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls} -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts} -But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat} -I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. {Fchoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat} -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? -I have helmet hair. -Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take ot off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- - an orge. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -I'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -I don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -Shrek, What are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. -I know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. -That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Our swamp? -You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -I'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawns} -Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I said I like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs} -Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - - {Kissing sounds} -beast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? -Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an orge in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad That's bad When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell} {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we? -Hold the phone. {Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? -Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -{Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -What you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh! -Ahem. -Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chickle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh -Hey! La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's DuLoc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style. -No kidding. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling} {Sighs} -I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -I'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, Shrek? -I, um, I was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. -Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night. {Door creaks} -Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge? -Yeah. An orge. -Hey, where you goin'? -To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings fluttering} -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me? -Donkey! -Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. -I'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs} -I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. {Deep sigh} -Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd I miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. -Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, orge. -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly orge. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! -There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'll never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -I guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - - -Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -I object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -And what do you know about true love? -Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughting} -An orge and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! -You'll beg for death to save you! -No, Shrek! -And as for you, my wife, -Fiona! -I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! -I'm king! {Whistles} -I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah! -Aah! -All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. {Roars} -I'm a donkey on the edge! {Belches} -Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? {Cheering} -Go ahead, Shrek. -Uh, Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? -I - - I love you. -Really? -Really, really. - I love you too. -Aawww! -"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form." -"Take love's true form. Take love's true form." -Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? -Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. -But you ARE beautiful. {Chuckles} -I was hoping this would be a happy ending. I thought love was only true in fairy tales Oy! Meant for someone else but not for me Love was out to get me That's the way it seemed Disappointment haunted all my dreams And then I saw her face Now I'm a believer and not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her If I tried -God bless us, every one. Come on, y'all! Then I saw her face Ha-ha Now I'm a believer Listen! Not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried -Ooh! -Uh! Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Hey! Not a trace Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind -One more time! I'm in love I'm a believer Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey Y'all sing it with me! I Believe I believe People in the back! I believe I'm a believer I believe I believe I believe I believe {Hysterical laughing} -Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. -I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertion Destiny or a slight diversion Now it seems I've got my head on straight I'm a freak an apparition Seems I've made the right decision To try to turn back now it might be too late Now I want to stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna be a millionaire someday But know what it feels like to give it away Watch me march to the beat of my own drum And it's off to the moon and then back again Same old day Same situation My happiness rears back as if to say I wanna stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home......... I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes My heart skips a beat Girl, I feel so alive Please tell me, baby, if all this is true 'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives When we first met I could hardly believe The things that would happen and we could achieve So let's be together for all of our time Oh, girl, I'm so thankful that you are still mine You always consider me like an ugly duckling And treat me like a Nostradamus was why I had to get my shine on I break a little something to keep my mind on 'Cause you had my mind gone Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh Turn the lights on, Come on, baby Let's just rewind the song 'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best years All night long Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh, yeah, yeah I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.............. Everything looks bright Standing in your light Everything feels right What's left is out of sight What's a girl to do I'm telling you You're on my mind I wanna be with you 'Cause when you're standin' next to me It's like wow And all your kisses seem to set me free It's like wow And when we touch it's such a rush I can't get enough It's like- - It's like Ooh-ooh Hey, what It's like wow Ooh-ooh, hey Hey, yeah It's like wow Everything is looking right now, right now It's like wow And I got this feeling This feeling it's just like wow It's just like wow You are all I'm thinking of. Like wow Everything feels right Everything feels right Like wow Everything looks bright All my senses are right Like wow Everything feels right Baby, baby, baby the way I'm feeling you Is like wow There is something that I see In the way you look at me There's a smile There's a truth In your eyes What an unexpected way On this unexpected day Could it be This is where I belong It is you I have loved All long There's no more mystery It is finally clear to me You're the home my heart's searched for So long It is you I have loved All long Whoa, over and over I'm filled with emotion As I look Into your perfect face

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