'i want you to leave me alone but am too polite to say'

Rick Riordan won a Stonewall award today

for his second Magnus Chase book, due to the inclusion of the character Alex Fierro who is gender fluid. This was the speech he gave, and it really distills why I love this author and his works so much, and why I will always recommend his works to anyone and everyone.

“Thank you for inviting me here today. As I told the Stonewall Award Committee, this is an honor both humbling and unexpected.

So, what is an old cis straight white male doing up here? Where did I get the nerve to write Alex Fierro, a transgender, gender fluid child of Loki in The Hammer of Thor, and why should I get cookies for that?

These are all fair and valid questions, which I have been asking myself a lot.

I think, to support young LGBTQ readers, the most important thing publishing can do is to publish and promote more stories by LGBTQ authors, authentic experiences by authentic voices. We have to keep pushing for this. The Stonewall committee’s work is a critical part of that effort. I can only accept the Stonewall Award in the sense that I accept a call to action – firstly, to do more myself to read and promote books by LGBTQ authors.

But also, it’s a call to do better in my own writing. As one of my genderqueer readers told me recently, “Hey, thanks for Alex. You didn’t do a terrible job!” I thought: Yes! Not doing a terrible job was my goal!

As important as it is to offer authentic voices and empower authors and role models from within LGBTQ community, it’s is also important that LGBTQ kids see themselves reflected and valued in the larger world of mass media, including my books. I know this because my non-heteronormative readers tell me so. They actively lobby to see characters like themselves in my books. They like the universe I’ve created. They want to be part of it. They deserve that opportunity. It’s important that I, as a mainstream author, say, “I see you. You matter. Your life experience may not be like mine, but it is no less valid and no less real. I will do whatever I can to understand and accurately include you in my stories, in my world. I will not erase you.”

People all over the political spectrum often ask me, “Why can’t you just stay silent on these issues? Just don’t include LGBTQ material and everybody will be happy.” This assumes that silence is the natural neutral position. But silence is not neutral. It’s an active choice. Silence is great when you are listening. Silence is not so great when you are using it to ignore or exclude.

But that’s all macro, ‘big picture’ stuff. Yes, I think the principles are important. Yes, in the abstract, I feel an obligation to write the world as I see it: beautiful because of its variations. Where I can’t draw on personal experience, I listen, I read a lot – in particular I want to credit Beyond Magenta and Gender Outlaws for helping me understand more about the perspective of my character Alex Fierro – and I trust that much of the human experience is universal. You can’t go too far wrong if you use empathy as your lens. But the reason I wrote Alex Fierro, or Nico di Angelo, or any of my characters, is much more personal.

I was a teacher for many years, in public and private school, California and Texas. During those years, I taught all kinds of kids. I want them all to know that I see them. They matter. I write characters to honor my students, and to make up for what I wished I could have done for them in the classroom.

I think about my former student Adrian (a pseudonym), back in the 90s in San Francisco. Adrian used the pronouns he and him, so I will call him that, but I suspect Adrian might have had more freedom and more options as to how he self-identified in school were he growing up today. His peers, his teachers, his family all understood that Adrian was female, despite his birth designation. Since kindergarten, he had self-selected to be among the girls – socially, athletically, academically. He was one of our girls. And although he got support and acceptance at the school, I don’t know that I helped him as much as I could, or that I tried to understand his needs and his journey. At that time in my life, I didn’t have the experience, the vocabulary, or frankly the emotional capacity to have that conversation. When we broke into social skills groups, for instance, boys apart from girls, he came into my group with the boys, I think because he felt it was required, but I feel like I missed the opportunity to sit with him and ask him what he wanted. And to assure him it was okay, whichever choice he made. I learned more from Adrian than I taught him. Twenty years later, Alex Fierro is for Adrian.

I think about Jane (pseudonym), another one of my students who was a straight cis-female with two fantastic moms. Again, for LGBTQ families, San Francisco was a pretty good place to live in the 90s, but as we know, prejudice has no geographical border. You cannot build a wall high enough to keep it out. I know Jane got flack about her family. I did what I could to support her, but I don’t think I did enough. I remember the day Jane’s drama class was happening in my classroom. The teacher was new – our first African American male teacher, which we were all really excited about – and this was only his third week. I was sitting at my desk, grading papers, while the teacher did a free association exercise. One of his examples was ‘fruit – gay.’ I think he did it because he thought it would be funny to middle schoolers. After the class, I asked to see the teacher one on one. I asked him to be aware of what he was saying and how that might be hurtful. I know. Me, a white guy, lecturing this Black teacher about hurtful words. He got defensive and quit, because he said he could not promise to not use that language again. At the time, I felt like I needed to do something, to stand up especially for Jane and her family. But did I make things better handling it as I did? I think I missed an opportunity to open a dialogue about how different people experience hurtful labels. Emmie and Josephine and their daughter Georgina, the family I introduce in The Dark Prophecy, are for Jane.

I think about Amy, and Mark, and Nicholas … All former students who have come out as gay since I taught them in middle school. All have gone on to have successful careers and happy families. When I taught them, I knew they were different. Their struggles were greater, their perspectives more divergent than some of my other students. I tried to provide a safe space for them, to model respect, but in retrospect I don’t think I supported them as well as I could have, or reached out as much as they might have needed. I was too busy preparing lessons on Shakespeare or adjectives, and not focusing enough on my students’ emotional health. Adjectives were a lot easier for me to reconcile than feelings. Would they have felt comfortable coming out earlier than college or high school if they had found more support in middle school? Would they have wanted to? I don’t know. But I don’t think they felt it was a safe option, which leaves me thinking that I did not do enough for them at that critical middle school time. I do not want any kid to feel alone, invisible, misunderstood. Nico di Angelo is for Amy, and Mark and Nicholas.

I am trying to do more. Percy Jackson started as a way to empower kids, in particular my son, who had learning differences. As my platform grew, I felt obliged to use it to empower all kids who are struggling through middle school for whatever reason. I don’t always do enough. I don’t always get it right. Good intentions are wonderful things, but at the end of a manuscript, the text has to stand on its own. What I meant ceases to matter. Kids just see what I wrote. But I have to keep trying. My kids are counting on me.

So thank you, above all, to my former students who taught me. Alex Fierro is for you.

To you, I pledge myself to do better – to apologize when I screw up, to learn from my mistakes, to be there for LGBTQ youth and make sure they know that in my books, they are included. They matter. I am going to stop talking now, but I promise you I won’t stop listening.”

Punish me (Smut)
I did a thing. I figured it to be best if this was EXO member optional, since with this storyline you could end up with any EXO member really. God forgive me for I have sinned. 

Pairing: EXO member x Reader (You will have to choose one at a certain point, or read it nine times)

Genre: Smut

Edit: Apparently the first part can be classified under ‘humour’. My sister read this and she was laughing her ass off? I did not intend for this to happen but yeah… If it’s the same for you, enjoy.

Word count: 4670 words

Warning: Phone sex, Oral sex, explicit language.

Punish me:

“No, I’m not a free phone sex service!” I shout annoyed through my mobile and immediately cut the call, throwing my mobile onto the kitchen counter. Once, just once, I had been spotted in public with the members of EXO and that was the result; forty calls a day that begin with either “What are you wearing?” or “Tell me how wet you are”.

My mother is the fixed cleaning lady for the Exo dorm, but she broke her leg a few weeks ago. In agreement with SM, I replace her until she gets better. It is summer holiday and that way I don’t need to search for a summer job.

The guys from EXO are my age, so of course the relationship between EXO and me is different than the relationship my mom has with them. Whilst my mom is more a motherly figure, I am more of a friend. That’s why a few days ago, they asked me to go out for dinner with them.

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ed sheeran’s divide | sentence meme.

eraser.

  • ❛ i was born into a small town. i lost that state of mind. ❜
  • ❛ so blame it on the pain that blessed me with the life. ❜
  • ❛ friends and family filled with envy when they should be filled with pride. ❜
  • ❛ when the world’s against me is when i really come alive. ❜
  • ❛ you know that i’ve got whisky with white lies and smoke in my lungs. ❜
  • ❛ i need to get in the right mind and clear myself up. ❜
  • ❛ i look in the mirror, questioning what i’ve become. ❜
  • ❛ i’m well aware of certain things that can destroy a person like me. ❜
  • ❛ i am happy on my own so here i’ll stay. ❜
  • ❛ save your loving arms for a rainy day. ❜
  • ❛ i’ll find comfort in my pain eraser. ❜
  • ❛ i chased the picture perfect life. i think they painted it wrong. ❜
  • ❛ i beg you, don’t be disappointed with the person i’ve become. ❜
  • ❛ the world may be filled with hate, but keep erasing it now, somehow. ❜

castle on the hill.

  • ❛ i was younger then. ❜
  • ❛ i found my heart and broke it here. ❜
  • ❛ i know i’ve grown. i can’t wait to go home. ❜
  • ❛ i miss the way you make me feel. ❜
  • ❛ we watched the sun set over the castle on the hill. ❜
  • ❛ had my first kiss on a friday day. i don’t reckon i did it right. ❜

dive.

  • ❛ maybe i came on too strong. maybe i waited too long. ❜
  • ❛ maybe i played my cards wrong. oh, just a little bit wrong. ❜
  • ❛ i could live, i could die, hanging on the words you say. ❜
  • ❛ i’ve been known to give my all. ❜
  • ❛ so don’t call me, baby, unless you mean it. ❜
  • ❛ don’t tell me you need me if you don’t believe it. ❜
  • ❛ so let me know the truth before i dive right into you. ❜
  • ❛ do you have a tendency to lead some people on? ‘cuz i heard you do. ❜

shape of you. 

  • ❛ the club isn’t the best place to find a lover, so the bar is where i go. ❜
  • ❛ your love was handmade for somebody like me. ❜
  • ❛ i’m in love with the shape of you. we push and pull like a magnet do. ❜
  • ❛ although my heart is falling too, i’m in love with your body. ❜
  • ❛ last night you were in my room, and now my bed sheets smell like you. ❜
  • ❛ we talk for hours and hours about the sweet and the sour. ❜

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Everyday Witchcraft: Burt's Bees Glamours and Affirmations

So I really like Burt’s Bees Chapstick.
And I use a lot of it.
My favorite one is the honey infused, which is fitting because of being an Aphrodite devotee and all, but I’ve developed this ritual when I apply my lip balm where I put it on, breathe in the scent, and then say “I speak sweetly. People listen and believe me.” This inspired me to come up with little mini spells for more of the scents, so here you go. Burt’s Bees’ spells on the go. Enjoy. :)

Honey: Use as a glamour to make you seem sweet and cute as a button as well as charming them with your speech. Useful when avoiding persecution or hiding your true intentions of world domination. 

Affirmation: I speak sweetly. People listen and believe me.

Wild Cherry: If you’re looking for a classy seductress vibe, wild cherry is your gal. Maybe blow some kisses at yourself in the mirror or lick your lips to lock in the feeling and get yourself in the flirting mood. 

Affirmation: I am fair and enchanting, my kiss makes people melt.

Pink Grapefruit: Use for cleansing and purifying yourself of an argument. Having a hard time keeping peace with your relatives about politics at the thanksgiving table when it would be better to stay quiet? Try this baby. 

Affirmation: I wash myself of this conflict. I am free from negativity.

Strawberry: Strawberry is associated with innocent love and wealth. The many fruits on the vine represent fertility as well, meaning strawberry is the perfect fruit for bringing overall success into your life and keeping it there. 

Affirmation: I have abundance. All I say and do brings me success and love.

Coconut Pear: Coconut represents absolute purity. In WWI some soldiers were given transfusions of coconut water when donor blood was low because it is sterile. Pears are a key love element, so if you’re wanting to attract real love, from people with good intentions (perhaps weeding out the creeps when internet dating) then this one’s for you. 

Affirmation: I am bathed in affection by those with pure intentions.

Raspberry: Raspberry represents health, fertility, communication and love. Use to facilitate healthy relationships and help you to maintain physical health along with a healthy lifestyle. If you can feel yourself getting stress sickness, use an affirmation like this to turn it around. 

Affirmation: My relationships and my body are healthy. I am free of pain.

Pineapple: Use for attracting wealth and success into your life. Pineapple is the fruit of the traveler, gifted to show hospitality and status. It’s rich inside can hardly be seen as anything but gold in fruit form. You can use this affirmation as a way to both convey status you may not yet have, as well as attract it. 

Affirmation: My voice is filled with opulence. Wealth is headed my way.

Mango: Mango is heavily associated with Buddha and enlightenment. Use this to bring focus back to your spiritual journey, and to help others on their own. 

Affirmation: I am free and enlightened. My words have the power of knowledge.

Blueberry: Use this for protection. Strong protection. Blueberry keeps danger away, confuses and causes distress to enemies who push the boundary. A word unleashed to your enemies under this protection will cause them distress and make them want to leave you alone. 

Affirmation: I am untouchable. I needn’t speak to intimidate my enemy.

Pomegranate: Use this one before doing divination to heighten psychic energy and help with seeing beyond the veil if that’s your thing. Pomegranates have significance in many religions as being highly spiritual and associated with heaven or the underworld. As a glamour, this could also help with giving off “I am a mysterious and powerful witch” vibes, so if you’re doing witchcraft work for non witchy people, such as divination, this could help set the mood. 

Affirmation: I am powerful with the energies of life and death. When divining I speak the truth.

Vanilla Bean: This is the big whammy of love spell ingredients. If you’re going out and just wanna find someone RIGHT NOW then vanilla is the powerful punch you’re looking for. The silky scent combined with charmed speech is a powerful seduction tool. It also makes you feel very confident and sexy on your own, so that’s great too. 

Affirmation: *blow a kiss* I seduce with the force of a sorceress.

As a black woman with a visible leg prosthetic I hate how I’m expected to put aside my personal discomfort to “educate” people. I have folks come up to me asking me things that I will never answer and get mad when I politely ask them to leave me alone. “Can you have sex?” “How did you lose your leg?” “Can I touch it?” These are few of them most irritating questions I get on the daily. I will never disclose how I lost my leg. It was traumatic, painful, a depressing! Why would you put me through that? And how dare you get rude, mad and persistent when I ask to be left alone? Disable people aren’t here for your pity and questions. We’re human just like you. Do not touch us without permission! Don’t even ask! I told my therapist one day that the worst thing that came with my disability was not relearning how to walk, losing my leg, walk up stairs but the inconsiderate people that won’t leave me alone. When I had my leg people ignored me and let me be. I miss that. So before you go to a disable person in regards of “educating” yourself simply ask yourself “Is it any of my buisness?” “Do they wanna talk about it?” “Are they comfortable?” “Is this an appropriate thing to say?” “Does this concern me?” And most importantly treat me like a human being. I didn’t lose my right to privacy and humanity when I lost my leg. Stop asking to take pictures with me, I am not a freak. Stop using your children as weapons to get me to speak, cause I won’t. Stop telling me about that one amputee in YouTube you saw happy that people are asking her about her leg, I am not her. I just want to be left alone. Is that too much to ask for?

PSA about women walking alone at night

Hey, everyone! I was walking home late last night and I just felt like I needed to say some stuff. Yes, it is inspired by true events.

Dudes, let me give you some advice on how to interact with women walking alone late at night. This advice is intended to help you make them feel comfortable and safe from…yeah, you. And also for you to avoid getting your dick kicked into your chest cavity. My females, I’m putting out some tips that I learned from my daddy (who was a cop) that have helped make me feel safer while walking home. (Obviously subject to editing if people have some reliable source they’d like to share that contradicts what I’ve said. It’s about being safe, after all).

My dudes…

If you see a woman walking alone late at night, don’t walk behind her. If you’re going the same way as her, try crossing to the other side of the street, or making it really clear you are not paying any attention to her. If she looks back at you, politely say that you are keeping your distance and wish her a good night. If she stops to let you walk by her, it’s not an insult. It’s for her safety, because she has been trained not to trust men late at night. She is protecting her six, and if you’re a decent guy, you will let her. Don’t ask a woman you see walking late at night for a cigarette, a dollar, or to use her phone. Don’t say shit to her unless it’s to tell her to have a good night and be safe. If you see a woman being harassed, loudly offer to call the police, or just go ahead and do so. Don’t offer to walk her home, because that’s a familiar line and will put her instantly on the defensive. Instead, ask her if you can call her a taxi or contact a friend. If a woman gives you a dirty look when she’s walking home at 2 AM, please don’t call her a bitch. She’s protecting herself, and if you think she has that right, then just take it with an understanding nod, instead of acting like a fucking baby. If you’re a professional driver, don’t follow beside her slowly, like you’re casing her. If she needs a cab, she will make that obvious. If you’re a bouncer, and she is leaving your protection, give her advice on the safest ways to walk. If a woman asks for your help, and you consent to giving it to her, please be respectful of boundaries and make it clear you are not helping her for any reason other than to make sure she is safe.

Women…

Firstly, I know how fucking obnoxious it is to have to tailor your entire life to the sexual urges of predators. I know you just want to say “Screw this” sometimes and go out for a walk because why should you have to stay cooped up? I also know that sometimes, you can’t help it. Sometimes your ride ditches you and you don’t have cab fare. i am not going to lecture you, because you know what you’re doing.

So maybe instead I can give you some things you maybe haven’t thought of before.

1) Take off your high heels. If that grosses you out and you don’t want to carry spare shoes, carry a pair of socks in your purse (or your bra. Come on, they make great hoists) and wear them over your bare feet. I’ve seen those little rubber shoe things too, that look like flats…those are dope.

2) Avoid dark places. Even if it means you have to walk a little out of the way. You need to be able to see everything around your for at least a hundred feet, because a man can clear 100 feet at a dead run, very quickly.

3) Always look around, constantly. Predators want an easy mark, and if you’re paying attention, you cannot be an easy mark.

4) Pass by as many ATM’s as possible and look directly at them. They have continual activity on their cameras, so if you are snatched, the police can document your movements.

5) Only carry cards. If the place you’re going only takes cash, then have a specific amount and no more than that. The idea is to minimize incentives to rob you. If a man approaches you to rob you, and you have nothing to give him, he will likely leave at once, because he is usually nervous and doesn’t want to be identified, so be prepared to empty that bag out on the road and show him you have no valuables.

6) Should you have a weapon? Only if you know how to use them and are willing to do so, otherwise they end up being taken from you and used on you. Long range weapons like pepper spray are better.

7) Don’t talk on your cellphone in the standard way. I know you think that it’s a good idea, but the fact is, it distracts you and holding it can block your line of sight. A man can grab you and smash it and no one can track you. Instead, put it on speaker, tuck it in a pocket, and give constant location updates, if you feel threatened. Or prearrange a text appointment with someone who can call authorities if you don’t reply.

8) No music. Do not be that girl, walking in the dark, with her phone on a loud song to take her mind off the scariness of it. Music draws attention to you and distracts you. It can also mask noises of a confrontation.

9) If a man walks behind you, you have two options. You can put your back to a wall and allow him to pass by you, or you can cross the street. If he follows, find a public place immediately. If this isn’t possible, the fact is, he’s a threat. If it were me, I’d look him right in the eye and make sure he can see that I’m willing to kill. Don’t ignore a threat, and ladies, walking alone at 2 am means every man is a potential threat. Run, if you feel threatened. Who the fuck cares if he isn’t “actually a bad guy” or thinks it’s weird? Just ask yourself, “What if he is a bad guy?”

10) Be willing to drop everything in your hands. If there’s something you don’t want to leave in the street, shove it in your bra or your pocket.

11) There’s a lot of debate about how to deal with an attacker if it does happen. Some say to do what you’re told, and some say to fight like hell. I can’t make that decision for you, but you have to be aware, and try and understand the attacker. Ask questions. If you think they aren’t listening…it’s up to you. Personally, a guy better not try to put his dick in my mouth, because I will bite it the fuck off and see what happens, but thats me. Don’t go with him. If he has a weapon, then he is willing to kill you. So make the choice. If you go with him, you stand a much higher risk of never coming back, because in solitude, with no threat of discovery, he can do whatever he wants. If he wants you to leave where you are, it means that place is safer, so stay in that place.

12) Do learn self defense. If a man can hit you once, he can win. Learn how not to get hit. Learn how to get out of suppression holds. Learn what to do if grabbed from behind.

13) Minimize physical risk. Take off all jewelry, Ponytails are just convenient handles. (I had a friend get grabbed from behind by her ponytail and lifted off the ground, with a knife to her throat. She couldn’t get free because he had all her hair in one hand. Hair is VERY strong. So take your hair down, because if he can only get a handful, you can usually tear free, but if he has all of it, you can’t go anywhere.) Same with loose clothing or clothes with strings. Keys are weapons, rings are weapons. High heeled shoes can kill a man.

14) The cops will not be angry with you if you call them because you feel threatened, and it turns out nothing is wrong. They just won’t. In fact, I can think of at least ten famous cases where a woman called the cops because she was being followed and it turned out the guy was like some horrible rapist or murderer they finally caught.

15) You have the right to defend yourself. Better to be alive and dealing with assault charges than dead in a gutter.

One time I flipped a jogger upside down because he came up behind me really fast while I was walking home from work at midnight. He laid on his back looking up at me like “WTF DID I DO” and I just said to him, “Hey man, I am really sorry, but you scared the shit outta me.” And helped him up. 

And you know what? He was totally cool about it. Said he completely understood and asked me what martial art that was. I told him it was Aikido and then offered to pay his cleaning or medical later if he needed it. He shook his head and goes, “No, ma’am, we’re good.” and jogged on. 

I’m not telling you that so that you kick every man you see at night in the balls. Men have to walk home at night sometimes, same as us. I’m telling you that because women have been taught they have no right to be fierce. And they absolutely do. It’s better to defend yourself first and ask questions later, to run first and feel silly later, to strip down or button up first and let loose later.

Be safe. Women, be smart. And dudes…don’t take this personally. If you agree that women should be equals, then treat them with respect.

All Tied Up

Summary: Theo and (Y/N) have hated each other since the beginning of time and it doesn’t help that he’s with the pack now. Scott and Stiles’ have a bright idea to lock the two in a room together until they make up, but they never expected things to get so heated.

Pairing: Theo x Reader

Word Count: About 2.1K

Warning: Handcuffs, orgasm denial, smut

A/N: Let’s all pretend Theo helped them defeat the Dread Doctors.

Credit to the creator of the gif!

Originally posted by training-wolves



“That’s enough!”, Scott yelled, “You two have been going at it for weeks and it’s starting to get annoying”

“It’s just starting?”, Stiles let out

Scott glared at his best friend before he could continue to chastise Theo and I. Ever since he tried to have Scott killed, I’ve wanted nothing more than to bury him. In the end, he did help us defeat the Dread Doctors, but that didn’t mean I’d just start trusting him.

“She started all of this. It’s not my fault!”, Theo yelled back

“Just like it wasn’t your fault Scott died!?”, I countered

“How many times do I have to apologize? I’m so-”

“Your apologies don’t mean shi-”

“Enough!”, Scott yelled again, his eyes beginning to glow. I knew better then to start yelling again, but this argument was far from over. No one should trust Theo.

“(Y/N) I know this is difficult for you to accept, but he’s a part of our pack now. And Theo, you need to give it time. I’m aware that you two have a history, but somehow you’ll work through it”, Scott reasoned

“That’s not even the reason why!”

“How about some time alone?”, Stiles suggested

Theo groaned, then shook his head, “No, not a good idea”

“You’re right! It’s a great idea”, Scott grins, “Meet me in my room”

I grimaced as Theo smiled politely and led the way. Once we reached his room, Theo plopped down on the bed and made himself at home.

“What?”, he sighed when I glared in his direction

Before I could tear him a new one, Scott and Stiles entered the bedroom with a familiar sac in Stiles’ hand.

“We’ve decided to go on the mission without you”, Scott finally says

“What?”, we yelled in unison

“We don’t need this many people for it anyway. Stiles and I can handle this”

“What if you need backup?”, Theo fired back

“We have a hellhound, banshee, and two betas. In case you forgot”, Stiles replied

“What makes you think we’ll stay put?”, I nearly yelled as Stiles walked closer to the door

He faced my direction as a giant grin spread across his face. Scott quickly grabbed my right wrist and handcuffed it to his headboard, then moved out the door. I frantically pulled my wrist to and fro trying to get out of it.

“Scott!”

“Whoa, calm down sweetheart. You might hurt yourself”, Theo said trying to get me to relax, “You know handcuffs won’t work on me. So I might as well leave”

As he began to stand, Stiles dumped the contents of the sac in a line front of the door.

Wolfsbane.

“I doubt you will be anytime soon”, Stiles replied, “Try not to break anything kids”

“Scott be reasonable!”

“I am being reasonable! We’re a team and we need to stick together. Whatever is going on between the two of you you need to work through it. We shouldn’t be gone too long. Don’t destroy my room either”, he said as he shut the door and left the house, effectively trapping Theo and I inside

“Sooooo…:”, I let out to break the silence

“Don’t”, he quickly said, “No small talk”

“Oh so I take it you’re in charge now?”

“Someone should be”, he mumbles

“Aww is someone still mad they aren’t the alpha?”, I smirked as Theo got off the bed to put some distance between us

“Will you quit bringing that up!?”, he shouted

“Why would I do that? You came along and pulled our pack apart piece by piece. Scott died, Lydia was stuck in Eichen House, you blackmailed Stiles-”

“Stop!”

Theo stood near the bed with his hands balled into fists, the rise and fall of his chest slightly increasing.

“And you took Hayden from Liam. All because you crave power! Was it really worth it Theo?”

“Be. Quiet”, he sneered

“It must have been worth while since you still ended up on the side of the good guys. Even though it doesn’t wipe away all the bad you’ve done”, I finished

Theo began to tremble as if he was going to break down right in front of me. His eyes flashed yellow and blood dripped from his clenched fist. I’m sure it hurts, but I really don’t care enough to say anything.

“You’re never going to trust me are you?”, he asked quietly

“Not in this lifetime”, I replied, “If you get these cuffs off me, I can break the seal and we’ll never speak of this again”

“No”, he was pacing back and forth, “We’re going to get through this like he said. I know this will take a while, but that’s a risk I’ll have to take”

He was either crazy or cared too much about what happened between us.

“You’re still angry”, he continued, “I know it’s my fault that you’re hurting. Believe me I want to make it up to you, if you’ll let me”

This was a side of Theo I didn’t get to see often. He felt bad for being an ass and wanted to be forgiven.

“No”, I said hesitantly, “You’ve said that before and it didn’t end so well”

He lowered his head and let out a frustrated groan.

“I didn’t know they would take you. If I had known I would have left a while ago”, he said softly

“The only reason you decided to help our pack was because they took me. What if they didn’t? Would you still have helped or let us suffer? You make terrible decisions and I’m always going to be the one to pay for them”

“The Dread Doctors used you to get to me. They thought if they got you out the way, I would be compliant, but it only made things worse. The thought of them harming you drove me crazy and I knew it was all my fault. I stopped at nothing to make sure you would be safe”

He hesitantly moved closer to me and sat on the bed.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you (Y/N). I thought I was doing the right thing until you were kidnapped. Out of all the crap that has been going on you’re the only thing that makes sense and I can’t lose you. That’s why I stayed”

“Why should I believe you?”

“Honestly, you shouldn’t. You have no reason to, but I want to work on us. Find a way to right my wrongs with everyone and that starts with you sweetheart”

He’s never been this forward with me. It was a start and I did miss spending time with him. The late nights. The kissing. God the kissing. It drives me crazy just thinking about it. He leaned forward, his face inches from mine. He was lingering in front of me, eyeing my lips down to my neck and chest. His hands ran slowly up my arms up to my wrists. They ran across the handcuffs, but he didn’t take them off. Confusion spread across my face as he smiled.

Theo moved so he was sitting between my legs and unbuttoned my shirt. As he got closer, he ran the tip of his nose along my neck, I let out a moan. He kissed up my neck as his hand trailed down sliding into my leggings. I couldn’t stop the sounds escaping my mouth. The tip of his finger brushed across my clit and I pulled against the restraints. He smirked as he saw my reaction and began moving his finger in slow circles, but soon picked up the pace. My back arched from against the headboard. He positioned two fingers at my entrance and slowly pushed them in.

“(Y/N) you’re soaked”, he groaned as he finally started to pull out, then push them back in. His fingers went in farther until he found my spot. My legs shook uncontrollably as he continued to rub his fingers against it. Theo kissed me to silence my screams, but soon moved away to watch my reaction. I was getting closer and closer to the edge when he pulled his fingers out and licked them clean.

“Theo please”, I groaned

“Not yet sweetheart”, he smirked as he pulled off my leggings and threw my panties aside

He lowered himself between my legs and softly bit the insides of my thighs. He moved at a painstakingly slow pace as he teased me. Finally, he leaned forward and rubbed the tip of his tongue in circles on my clit. I wanted to keep myself from screaming too loud as I pulled the restraints once again.

“Theo”, I moaned as he wrapped his lips around my clit and sucked gently

His hand yanked my bra down and he rolled my nipple between my fingers. My core began to throb as my moans got louder, then he pulled away with a grin.

“You can’t get too loud, you might wake the neighbors”, he winked

Before I could respond, his lips were on mine once again. He pulled away and his pants and boxers were on the floor. He stroked himself as he stared into my eyes.

“I should have asked you before. Are you okay with this?”, he asked hesitantly

“Yes”, I gasped, “I want this. I want you”

“Thank God because this would have turned out so awkward”, he laughed

His laugh was infectious and I felt myself smiling at him once again.

He leaned over me once more, positioning himself between my legs. Theo pushed himself inside halfway and began to shake. He groaned at the feeling of me being wrapped around him before pushing himself in completely. It didn’t take long to adjust to his length.

He pulled back, then slowly pushed himself in again. His lips met mine once again. Everything he needed to say was in the kiss. The last thing I expected was to have Theo between my legs this evening.

My legs began to tremble. He may have been taking his time, but I could feel my release slowly building up. Just when I thought I reach an orgasm again, he pulled away.

“Are you trying to kill me?”, I gasped

When grinned at me I knew I was in trouble. He lifted one of my legs up, then slammed into me. I barely had enough time to adjust, let alone get a word out. As he continued his pace, I was far from able to form a coherent sentence.

He moved his hand to get a hold of my waist at an angle. As he began to hit my spot again, I let out another moan, barely able to control myself. By now I was screaming his name.

Theo leaned down to kiss my neck when I heard him growling softly in my ear. He couldn’t control himself either. I pushed my hips up to meet his pace and he growled even louder.

“(Y/N) I’m so close”, he groaned

The look on my face told it all. With my movements matching his torturous pace and his lips on my neck, I was pushed over the edge and Theo quickly followed suit. He collapsed on top of me trying to catch his breath.

Soon the cuffs were broken and we scrambled to put our clothes on once we heard the front door open. Theo and I smiled as we raced to put Scott’s bed back together. As soon as we finished, the door pushed open.

“We’re back”, Stiles called as he broke the seal

Scott hesitantly stepped into his room and looked around, “You took her cuffs off”

“Yeah. They weren’t needed…after a while”, Theo said, a knowing grin spreading across his room

Scott paused again, then breathed in. His eyes widened as his gaze landed on the both of us holding hands.

“Did you two…in my bed!?”

Stiles doubled over in laughter, “I never saw that coming”

“Scott, I never planned on this happening, but one thing led to another and…”, Theo stated

“Look in the bright side. We get along now. Isn’t that what you wanted?”, I said grinning from ear to ear

Scott opened his mouth, but nothing came out as he glared at the both of us.

“Babe”, Theo said as he squeezed my hand, “We should run”

With that being said he pulled me out of Scott’s room and run like hell with Scott chasing right behind us.

GoT S07E01 Thoughts

I don’t know if this will be a regular occurrence, but for the first episode, I’m going to be laying out my thoughts about the premiere in what will probably be a lengthy post that’s half gibberish and half maybe something substantial. Undoubtedly, not eloquent. These are just thoughts and nothing more that I’ve jotted down while watching and am now about to elaborate on. 

Let’s begin with what has to be one of the most epic intros in Game of Thrones ever. No, I don’t want to hear your counter. You will not sway me on this. I don’t care, mate, because this scene was bloody awesome. The minute Filch Walder Frey’s face popped up, I knew it was Arya and I knew shit was about to go down. Now nobler humans might be like ‘Oh, Arya is going down a dark path; this is bad’ but her gathering all of the Freys in one room was poetic justice. What they did at the Red Wedding warranted retaliation and this has been a long time coming. 

It was beautiful the way it happened too – a dark sadistic glee washed over you as you watch a room full of men choke on their drinks as Arya stands there telling them they should’ve killed all the Starks, and “leave one wolf alive and the sheep are never safe.” 

Look, people really hated that line prior to the premiere, but in context, it was wonderful, it was justified, it was so unbelievably satisfying. Then when Arya goes, “tell them the North remembers; tell them Winter came for House Frey”, you bet I got goosebumps. Like I’ve said time and time again, ‘Winter is Coming’ is not just a warning, but it’s a battle cry for the Starks. This is their season. When the world dies, the lands become barren and the knights of Summer struggle to survive, the North prevails, and the Starks are at the helm of this changing tide. It’s their time now, and beginning it with Arya avenging the loss of her family is a truly poignant way to set the tone for the rest of the season. Yes, we’ll see Cersei and Dany duking it out, but at the end of the day, this is about the Starks. 

The next thing I jotted down was ‘zombie giants’, which is just to say that: holy shit, there are zombie giants! Seeing the sheer number of White Walkers, it makes you realise how utterly inconsequential Cersei and Dany’s fight for the Iron Throne is. There won’t be a kingdom to govern when those icy bastards get past the Wall, and believe you me, they will eventually. No matter what anyone says, that Wall is coming down probably at the end of this season. 

Seeing Dolorous Edd as Lord Commander gave me goosebumps as well. I adore him; I love him, and I swear to god if he dies, I will kick someone’s ass, so he’s probably going to die. But him meeting Bran and Meera made my heart race. They are so close to Winterfell and we’re so close to another Stark reunion. Also, hey Bran, I know the world is ending but cheer up, pal. 

Now we get to the highly talked about scene with Jon and the Northern houses. First of all, I felt so euphoric when Jon told the North that they would need every man and woman, boy and girl fighting in this battle. Even more so when Lyanna spoke up and basically told the men in the room to shut up about it. Her “I don’t need your permission to defend the North!” speech was seriously my top five favourite moments of the episode. The look of pride on Brienne’s face as well. I wonder, however, if this means Sansa might learn how to fight? I don’t see it. She’s a diplomat, a politician, but she should know some self-defence. Jon should teach her. Late at night. Alone. Some flirty teaching…. I’m getting sidetracked. 

Speaking of Jon and Sansa though, can I just say to that redditor who apparently saw the first episode: ‘Hey buddy, you were wrong! And if you interpreted that scene as Jon putting Sansa in her place then you really are a sexist creep.’ Because while yes, Sansa does argue with Jon in public and Jon does tell her his word is final, he in no way puts her in her place. And there is no moment where the other Houses laugh at her. In fact, going by the murmurs of agreement, quite a large amount of lords and ladies wanted Jon to give Umber and Karstark lands to the houses who didn’t fight for Ramsay. 

I also want to clarify something here before anti’s get all up in arms about this scene (not that I think any of them follow me or stalk my blog but if you do: hi, how are ya?). While I do agree with Jon’s decision, in the end, I also understand Sansa’s opinion on the matter. If I had gone through what she had under the ministrations of Ramsay and knew that these Houses who have sworn up and down in the past to fight for the Starks sided with him, I’d be furious. There wouldn’t be a damn thing anyone could say to me to get me to forgive their indifference and compliance in the trauma I went through. Sansa has every right to want to strip the Umbers and Karstarks of their land. I can even understand being angry with Jon for not understanding this, but here’s the thing, she wasn’t.

Immediately after this extremely public argument, it cuts to a scene of Jon and Sansa talking about it. They didn’t fight, let the emotions fester and build up resentment. No, Jon and Sansa talked it out. He told her not to undermine him in public and she told him a king needed to be questioned lest he ends up like Joffrey. Then when he asks her if she thinks he’s like Joffrey, her eyes lose that fight and there’s fondness in it, as she tells him firmly that he is the furthest man from Joffrey she had ever known. Although they’re arguing and disagreeing on important political decisions, there’s fondness and trust and respect in the way they talk to each other. 

What I find interesting is that after Jon and Sansa’s scene, they cut straight away to Jaime and Cersei. Two pair of (sort of) siblings and yet two vastly different relationships. The placement of these two scenes is no coincidence. The two relationships act as literary foils for one another. Both are fighting and arguing, but in contrast, Jaime and Cersei are clearly on very different paths from one another. There’s wariness, disbelief, and disappointment in the way Jaime looks at Cersei; and she is so consumed with her grief, anger, power, she can’t see that he is questioning her very right to be on the throne. They are shot as two opposing figures circling each other with lots of space in between them. On the other hand, Jon and Sansa were shot close together, always within inches from another, with dimmer lighting, and more physicality (ie. Sansa touching his arm to assure him and let him know she may argue but she is on his side). 

Don’t dismiss the sequence of these scenes. Nothing in this show is a coincidence. 

Moving on, I love Sam and I am so excited to see him again, but dear lord, that was the most disgusting series of shots ever. I felt physically ill. Please never again. But I wonder if he discovers the dragon glass at Dragonstone this early in the season, what else will he uncover in the Citadel? There’s definitely more in store for Sam’s storyline and I wonder if it might be something to do with R+L=J. People have theorised about Sam confirming it somehow. We’ll see, I guess.

Nothing really of substance to say about the Brienne, Podrick and Tormund scene, but it made me laugh out loud. Tormund is the physical embodiment of the heart eyes emoji. And his “you’re a lucky man” to Podrick when he gets knocked down by Brienne was such great comedic timing and brilliantly hilarious. 

I wish I could play this next scene on a loop. Sansa telling Littlefinger off has to be the greatest ‘screw you’ to all the people clambering for StarkBowl just because they don’t like Sansa. I love when she says to him, and I’m paraphrasing here, “you don’t have to get the last word. I’m sure it’s probably something clever” and just dismisses him like he’s nothing, which he is. It was so queenly, so regal and so cutting. It was exactly like Sansa. She may not have a sword, but her tongue is sharp enough to wound. 

The biggest surprise of the episode was seeing bloody Ed Sheeran. When we heard the singing, I said that whoever that was had a great voice, and low and behold, it’s bloody Ed. I knew there was a huge musical guest star but this totally surprised me. I love this scene though. Arya’s always been on a very rigid path for vengeance. Those who serve the Lannisters are in the wrong and there’s no grey area about it, but you can see her sitting there listening to these men caught in someone else’s war longing to be home with their fathers, wives, daughters, etc. and realise that they are victims of this war just like everyone else. I wonder how that’ll change (if it does at all) Arya’s journey towards vengeance because truth be told, I am worried about her this season. Next on her list is Cersei, but we all know Cersei will either die by the hand of Jaime or by Tyrion (probably Jaime), so where will that leave Arya? Will she give up her quest and head home to Winterfell? Or will she die trying? 

You know what? I do like the Hound. I like his redemption arc. And although I don’t believe it makes up for all the bad shit he did prior to it, I am intrigued to see where he goes from here. Also, this line is hilarious: “it’s my luck I’d end up with a band of fire lovers.” 

Now, what I’m about to say people might nitpick with me being an anti-Dany person, but honestly, I’m not. I just thought the whole Dragonstone sequence was incredibly boring. It was exciting the first thirty seconds, but it dragged on for so long. Then when she stands at the table and says, “shall we begin?” it was just so anticlimactic. It was the dullest part of the episode and I’m hoping it gets more interesting for her soon. Actually, no doubt it will be considering this is her make or break moment, but let’s be honest, that sequence was way too long. 

Anyway, I’m done. Those are my thoughts. Let me know what you guys think!

model!jack & NHL!bitty drabble

(based on this post)

The thing most people didn’t seem to realize, Jack often thought, was that modeling was a physical job.

It wasn’t physical in the same way hockey was, obviously. But modeling required a total control over his body that most people didn’t possess. And Jack had grown up under intense scrutiny, knew how to hold himself to look the thinnest, knew how to school his features so no one knew he was angry or upset. He wasn’t the most outgoing or self-assured guy at his agency, but Jack knew he was a good model. And while it certainly wasn’t the profession he’d dreamt of as a child, he’d really grown to love it. Like with hockey, when Jack went into his focused mode at work, it was like all the noise and fear in his head went silent. Perhaps he’d never achieve anything as earth-shattering as winning the cup, but Jack was content in his life.

Except for now. Jack hated doing public events, even ones for charities like tonight. Though he was almost 30, Jack had the urge to find his mother and hide behind her skirts at the mere thought of making small talk with strangers. But his agent had insisted, networking and public image and blah blah blah, so Jack was here, gripping a tonic water tightly, politely nodding at something some old man was saying. Jack had stopped paying attention a while ago.

“Oh, Jack, honey!”

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Two can play at this game

April Fools’ Day… the Snowbaz possibilities are endless. Also: @snowbaz-feda looks great and everyone should go check it out


March 31.

BAZ:

‘What did you do to him?’

Snow’s girlfriend has followed me out of the dining hall, her hands on her hips and her pretty eyes glaring.

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ I say, arching one eyebrow, and it’s true; I have no fucking clue what she’s on about, except that it’s about Snow. Everything is about Snow.

‘So this isn’t your doing?’ Her eyes are still squinted suspiciously.

‘Sadly, I can’t take credit for whatever has befallen Snow, but I’d love to hear about it.’ I pretend that I’m not worried. I tell myself that I’m glad if he’s hurt.

She huffs. ‘Just stay away from him, Baz.’

‘That’s going to be difficult, given that we share a room,’ I drawl. I suppose it’s no use telling her that I can never get far enough away from him. (I can never get close enough, either.)

‘I’m serious. I know you’re enemies and all, but that’s just politics. If you break his heart I swear Penelope will curse you so hard you’ll still be screaming from across the Veil. Hell, I’ll even do it myself.’ She’s practically spitting fire at this point.

‘Wellbelove, what the fuck are you on about?’

She sighs and crosses her arms. ‘Simon broke up with me.’

I try to squash down the hopeful feeling in my chest. It’s not like this is going to do me any good. (Anything is possible). (No, not this.)

‘My condolences,’ I say drily. ‘Or perhaps I should deliver them to Snow.’

‘He broke up with me because of you,’ she snaps. ‘Because of his feelings for you.’

‘Excuse me?’ I try not to let it show on my face. How fast my heart is beating. How much I want this to be true.

‘Just don’t use this to hurt him,’ she insists. ‘That would be low, even for you. Just leave him alone.’

‘Sorry, I’m still stuck on the part where you said Snow has feelings for me?’ My voice sounds too high.

‘Yeah, well, so am I,’ Wellbelove mutters. ‘I mean it, Baz. Don’t hurt him.’

‘What makes you think I can?’ Either Wellbelove is mistaken, or I must be hallucinating. Snow can’t have feelings for me. Snow hates me. He thinks I’m every kind of evil he’s ever known.

‘Because he told me,’ she says. ‘He says he’s in love with you, and I sure hope for his sake that it’s not true. I know you don’t think I’m much of a threat but I promise you, if you hurt someone I care about, I’ll fucking end you.’

‘Right,’ I say. I’m not scared of Wellbelove, but the way she’s looking at me right now, maybe I judged her too quickly. I want to tell her that she doesn’t need to worry, because I’m so in love with Simon Snow that even on good days I think it’s going to kill me, and all of this sounds way too good to be true.

‘I mean it,’ she says, and turns to walk away.

‘Noted,’ I manage to choke out, and now that her back is turned, I let the mask fall. I’m standing rooted to the spot staring after her with what must be a completely shell-shocked look on my face and – Aleister fucking Crowley.

Simon Snow can’t be in love with me. It’s impossible. It’s brilliant.

I look back through the door to the dining hall, and I see Wellbelove walk back to her table, and I realise Snow has been watching for her to come back.

Wait. There’s something I’m missing.

Why would she tell me that Snow has feelings for me, if she thinks I’m going to use it to hurt him?

And then I remember. Today is the last day of March. And that means tomorrow…

I draw in a sharp breath. It feels like I’ve been kicked in the gut. Fuck him. I fucking believed her, even if it was just for a minute. Fuck him for doing this to me. I want to march in there and drag him out of his chair and beat the living daylights out of him (I don’t. I don’t want to hurt him). I want to break down and cry, right here in front of the entire school. Natasha Pitch’s son, the vampire, a heartbroken, sobbing mess.

Alright. Fine, Snow. Fucking fine.

Two can play at this game.


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anonymous asked:

Hello, for my one and only soul, could I get Dans 20th birthday where Phil waited to have The Full Sex™ with Dan because he didn't want to be that creep that bangs a teenager?

can you write a bit where phil’s always been rlly loving and soft and vanilla and dan says “harder” like 38291928 times and phil keeps being gentle af but then dan like looks up at phil and says “h a r d e r .” in like a “sex” voice and phil just fickin loses it and p o u n d s him into the mattress and also detailed orgasms thank you so much bby

Plus dirty talk. If you have problems getting past the cut on mobile, open in your phone browser.

There isn’t much competition when it comes to Dan’s top three best birthdays. Now, his top three worst, that’s another story – so many of them have been so downright awful it’s hard for him to choose. There was that time in Kindergarten when he’d had a barbeque at the local park and a freak storm had blown through, tearing down their gazebo and knocking his Winnie the Pooh cake to the ground. Or his ninth birthday, when his cousin sprayed him with Poundland silly string, which had given him a severe allergic reaction and he ended up spending the remainder of his party in A&E. And who can forget his twelfth, when he’d climbed onto the roof of his single-storey house on a dare and broke his wrist on the way down? The list goes on, but, physical injury and heartbreaking loss of desserts aside, nothing will ever rank higher than his sixteenth, which he’d spent crying into half a dozen share-sized packets of Doritos when none of his guests turned up.

So, yes, Dan’s got a plethora of bad birthdays to choose from, but good ones? Honestly, his top three is probably just his nineteenth listed three times. It was the first he’d spent with not only an actual best friend but also a boyfriend – and okay, technically they’re the same person, but give him a break. He’d never expected to have one of those, let alone find both wrapped up in the miracle that is Phil. Dan had gone to spend his birthday week up in Manchester with him, where Phil had taken him to dinner and a movie and, sure, it was cliché and cheesy as hell, but that’s exactly what Dan had wanted. They’d eaten overpriced meals and made out in the back of the cinema and drank on a rooftop bar and it was by far the best birthday Dan’s ever had. Today, however, that’s about to change. Today, Dan is going to have a new number one, because today his boyfriend is finally, finally going to fuck him.

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•A JOURNAL ENTRY: WHAT IS IT REALLY LIKE TO LIVE WITH DEPRESSION?•

i wouldn’t exactly call it living. more like surviving… i look at the environment surrounding me, memories lie tattered in my brain. a life i want to believe was once so full and fruitful has become unthinkably dull. my own eyes were once baby blue but have since faded to an iridescently eerie gray. im hurting. it hurts. im not lying.

i would tell you that you don;t understand- but i;ve begin to notice that everything can only be interpreted in relation to other things or feelings. and this is the only thing ive come to recall feeling. this ethereal delicate coldness within my core, shaking and rattling my bones, consuming my every feeling of functionality. im clearly broken beyond repair- yet i aimlessly crave fixture.

i am light with awful lightness. my blood is mud and my bones are brittle. my thoughts freely cascade within my mind, setting fire to all of my precious sensibilities . any meager ration of purpose and hope is replaced by these fucking reminders that i am truly and entirely 113% alone in this.

at one point, i wanted help. i went to therapy once a week- on bad weeks i went twice. i convinced myself that the glass was half full. i made the most out of everything- and in the process, i made a fool of myself.

i spoke out. i cried for help. i wrote it in books, on forums, i would have carved the words “help me” into my damn skin on my damn forehead if i thought for one minute that anybody was listening.

and i know you’re listening if you’re reading this. but are you really reading this? are you reading me? can you feel the pain in the tips of my fingers, in the ends of my hair, in the blood in my veins, in the staggering cry of my voice at 2 in the morning- an ugly face soaked in the tears resulting from years of utter and complete destruction and then desertion of every little thing i feel?

can you feel my pain?

can you imagine trying to fall asleep when there are actual fucking faceless voices in between your ears jabbering an unimaginably taunting cry? whispering demented nonsense into your ears nonstop after you beg and plead with yourself to quit hearing those damn voices. your mind races like it’s been training all its life and this is the moment it has all led up to: the olympic event of self destruction. and it’s taking home the gold.

i close my eyes and i am so unbelievably tired. staying alive is a fight and today it has beat
me to a pulp. my eyes have bags as big as my regrets and my face is tired from
pretending to light up with joy all day.

jesus christ, it’s my junior year and i’m graduating in less than a year. surely there is one thing to even half way grin about. no, you are wrong. because for every good little thing that happens- every time it seems like it’s getting better, every false sense of hope, for every good thing, there is depression.

my false sense of hope has found its home. depression is a polite host to every single good
feeling in my body. depression feeds me, it cleans me, it loves me, it speaks to me, it knows me.

depression wants to stay forever. it houses in my bones, it feeds on my fears, it gets high on my anxiety, it exchanges hope for hopelessness, it thrives on my insecurities, and depressions favorite thing to do is to keep me up on nights like tonight, where i’m at my worst.

i’m scared, truly. i used to be obsessed with the seasons- more importantly, the transition of one season to anther. perhaps i used to be so fond of change because change was actually a possibility at that point in my life.

winter turning into spring was my favorite. i would lay on the dead, crunchy, brown remnants of the grass, the air around me crisp and cold, stabbing my lungs with every swift,
sharp breath. my nose rosy and cold, sniffling along every chill within my body. bare branches of tall oak trees
stretched into the white winter sky, seemingly reaching for the sunlight the tree craved and needed, as my pale, cold, minuscule hands clutched at the dry, barren earth beneath me- fumbling for more meaning of the world around me. why must seasons change, but my heart always feels the same?

you see, i resonate so very deeply with the winter months. gardens and patches of land that were once beaming with flora and fauna, life and expounding sunlight and warmth, now lay isolated, empty, sterile- similar to the child in me that once was jubilant and lively, but now turned into some thing so cold and ugly. the innocence has beend lost and the happiness within me has since been destroyed by the monster within me, which claims not only me as a victim, but those around me who love and care about me

i only know that i am loved and cared for because i’m continuously and perpetually told this upon a daily basis. it has become very prevalent to me that people feel much better about me when i validate that i know that they are here to talk and that i am loved. yes, i know this. but i cannot feel it. the love that you have for me is, in the least offensive way possible, absolutely irrelevant to my entire being.

you could listen to me rant for days upon weeks, you could read this bible that i’m typing. but i can never seem to make the people around me realize that i am never going to truly accept the love they offer me.

i often wonder if it is true love that inspires people to be there for those with depression- or if those surrounding me simply feel compelled to profess their love and support to me because they see my approval and wellbeing as a direct reflection of their credibility as a friend or family member.

i feel as if i am a burden to those around me, simply harshening the seemingly good mood that literally everyone else but me is capable of partaking in. i want to run with wild horses, frolic among wild flowers, hear the laughter of a child, hold hands with someone i love, and entertain deeply fulfilling and life changing relationships- but you see, the way my life is set up- i am actually emotionally incapable of doing so!

i am most aware of my unfortunate illness and incapability to be happy in the most unexpected and irrational times. take birthday parties, for instance. celebration and good vibes fill the air around me, seeping into my black, pitiful lungs. everyone around me smiles and sings, drowning in their jubilation, as i sit and watch. i want to have fun. please believe me. i want to sing happy birthday. i want to watch you open your gifts. i want to be as happy as you. i want to feel the warmth in my cheeks as i have the time of my life with my friends. but some thing within me compresses each and every slither of joy i am capable of feeling. i am suffocated by the downfall of my emotions and i am blinded by the reminder that depression doesn’t take breaks, not even at birthday parties. depression is strongest whenever you are faced with situations that expose you to the reality that you’re the odd one out- you’re sticking out like a sore thumb. you’re moping and you’re constantly staring out into space. what are you even looking at? what do you have to think about? you have nothing to live for, so anything beyond what’s right in front of you has no relevance in this whole scheme of life. so take it or leave it. you should be enjoying this birthday party. all the other kids are happy. you should be too. you’re lucky you even left the house today. so lucky. had you stayed home, you would have been 100% alone with your thoughts, rather than 97% along with your thoughts, due to the constant interruption of your moping and resentment by peers and parents and teachers asking “is everything okay?”

habitually, you nod. yes. everything is fine. i’m doing well, thank you. but what is the meaning of life? why do i feel like there’s a big fat man sitting on my chest and stomach and heart all the time? why do i always feel like i’m the only one in the room holding back tears trying not to cry? why are the other kids so happy? am i missing out on some thing? why do i feel so sad? why is it that every time i’m surrounded by people who say they love and care for me, i feel as if i’ve never been more alone before in my life? why? do you pity me? it’s just who i am. is that weird?

and oh my god i was always so desperate to be different. perhaps it was just the way my personality was set up. and i was always fairly extroverted. but it was presumably a persona that i put on. hey world, look at me. i’m silly and creative and ill say things that nobody else would say. pay attention to me, look at me.

because i needed them to watch. i hope you never feel so out of control of your body as me, to where you feel as if the only way that you can be saved is if other people figure out that you’re dying on their own. you don’t know how to come straight out and tell them, “hey, i really would rather not be alive at this given moment. i have visions of ending my own life. i use self isolation as a coping mechanism at times in order to feel like less of a burden on those who love me. i haven’t felt genuinely loved in a really long time. i’m so lonely. i could really use a friend right now.”

you can’t just say that. and i became depressed at 9 years old. how would a 9 year old even possibly articulate these complex and life threatening emotions that severely alter the way that every one of their peers perceives them. those middle years are crucial for making friends. it’s at that age that you have to find a group of 3 to 8 people who accept at least half of your given characteristics and occasionally invite you to partake in shit that kids do.

i wouldn’t know. i was a fleeting spirit. appearing and disappearing from cliques like it was clock work. there was more than one willow. there was the catty, witty willow- that found self-approval and approval from others by teasing and belittling others in order to build her own confidence up. then there was the sweet, flower child willow that sold daisy chains on the playground at recess at the price of one hug. there was the willow that stayed near the teachers at times because it was obvious that the other kids wanted nothing to do with her.

and as time progresses, the newer evolution of willow became prevalent. the willow that kept to herself most of the time, spending recess in the class room alone, drawing on the pages of her books, talking to herself, worrying her life away. everyone wondered - what was wrong with willow? or perhaps nobody noticed at all. maybe i was so insignificant even at such a young age- that the only time people considered me was in my dreams.

depression changes a person. some times, the change isn’t even tangible or noticeable to those surrounding the victim. some times, it is a slow discourse of the destruction of the spirit. it can slowly creep into your ear one ungodly night, and forever more whisper its awful lies into the victims ear, as it infects their whole body, their heart, their mind, their spirit, their hands, their eyes. everything. it slowly progresses into the uncontrollable loss of feelings and motivation to even maintain basic proper hygiene. it makes everything feel pointless. things are no longer worth the effort because you’re going to die no matter what, and that can’t come soon enough.

yes, depression can be slow and progressive. but that’s not the worst. the worst depression is the kind that sneaks up on you out of nowhere in the dead of night and immediately stiffens every hair on your body and turns your blood cold, making your mouth dry and your tongue numb. this depression hits you like a fucking train. it hits you in your most vulnerable state- comfort and normalcy. from that point on, you will never know normalcy again.

depression has a way of deceiving you into believing things that are crazy and untrue. but these things become so real to you as the depression progresses into a lifestyle that you come to know nothing else but the lies that depression will fill you with- so nobody can really tell you anything. it will call you names. it will tell you that you’re better off dead. it will be your only comfort- feeling nothing- during the night, whenever anxiety holds you until you pass out from exhaustion. you will never be cold at night as long as anxiety and depression have you snuggled up in between them.

oh how depression loves to kick you around and belittle you. oh how it renders your fantasies pointless. it loves to keep you hostage- to the point where any time you get an idea that doesn’t include moping around in your own sorrow, it immediately renders that idea impossible and reminds you that you are depressions bitch. you eat when depression finishes telling you how fat and disgusting you are. you sleep all day, so depression can take a dip in your nightmares. you wake up, and realize that life with depression is the true nightmare after all.

you pray for the day that you are relieved from this blinding madness and this subliminal torture. you feel as if you are not only a burden to your own self, but a burden to the people who love you and care for you

the only times when depression allows you relief from questioning the ulterior motives of those around you who claim to love you and care for you is when depression instead allows you to feel ashamed of your affliction. when you’re depressed, people notice. they may pretend not to and they may ignore it. but they know. they just don’t know what to say.

what would they say anyways?

hey. i’m sorry your brains are figuratively dripping out of your ears and i’m sorry that you have convinced yourself that i only care about you because i feel guilty, and i’m also sorry that you don’t even have the motivation to take a shower. i’m also sorry that you don’t
remember the last time that someone made you feel special. i’m sorry that you can’t find a reason to smile. i’m sorry that out of all the millionaires, the talented ones, the ones who fall in love, and the ones with nice asses- you were the one to end up hating yourself and everything around you.

ask yourself…. what do you say? what do you say to someone who is depressed?

know that i understand that you don’t know what to say. because yes this sucks. and i don’t expect you to understand what it’s like to wish you were dead. and i am so jealous of you for that. but please treat me the same as everyone else. please love me. make
me laugh. invite me to go shopping with you. get shit faced with me. help me fill the gaping hole in my soul with pointless memories of laughter and small talk. talk about life with me. listen to what i have to say. let me love you.

yes, i have depression. trust me, i will never forget! but please, help me feel normal. i don’t want to feel different than you. i want to be your peer, not your charity case.

i am dying to make friends. i am dying to spend less time in this bed writing shit like this. i am tired of letting this god damn disease walk all over me like i’m a fucking patch of dead grass.

life sucks. but please remind me that winter fades to spring. please remind me that some flowers are seasonal, and not every flower spends its whole life in bloom. remind me that you have to spend time in the dark to understand just how beautiful life in the sunlight is. remind me that there’s no cure for a bad day like a strawberry daiquiri and deep, controversial conversations with complete strangers.

remind me that my car has a sunroof and that it’s okay to open it up and let my hair get a little messy. remind me that music is better when it’s too loud to really interpret what the artist is saying- but you don’t have to understand to feel some thing.

remind me that i don’t have to lose this fight.

i am fucking hurting. but for the love of god, i’m begging you to help me fix me. because i forget that there’s good in the world. i forget that depression isn’t the boss of me. i forget that i have the whole world in my hands. i forget that there’s life after high school and that it’s okay to be alone some times, but it’s never okay to be lonely.

i will never forget what it is like to have my heart ripped out by a disease that i can’t even lay my hands on. perhaps i can touch the blisters under my eyes from
crying so much. perhaps i can run my hands along the holes i’ve punched in the walls from being so angry with myself. and yes i can feel how my bed is sinking in towards the ground because i spend so much time laying here trying to feel some thing besides utter destruction and loneliness. i can never forget what this disease has done to me. there will always be a piece of my heart that this depression has stolen from
me.

but with loving other people, i can aimlessly work to mend that hole. i can’t do it alone. i need a friend. i need you here with me.

i am so tired of being alone.
i will push you away at first. i may come off as helpless and a bitch. but please, that is the depression talking. it’s not willow.

willow loves the color pink
willow loves wild flowers
willow loves the smell of green onions
willow loves the feeling of sand under her feet
willow loves hearing about your childhood and how you had a speech impediment and a cat named angel
willow loves the smell of rain when it hits a hot sidewalk
willow loves to go barefooted
willow loves establishing connections with animals
willow loves willow, some times she just can’t see it

i need a gentle reminder of what it’s like to be a real normal teenage girl

this shit is hard. and being misunderstood makes it harder.

so i’m saying it loud and clear. my name is willow and i have clinical depression and generalized anxiety. my life has been a series of almost laughably awful events, which have resulted in said mental illnesses. i have been misunderstood, bullied, neglected, and hurt. but my story does not end here. i may never completely overcome my depression, but i will overcome my failure to acknowledge my illness. i will work to educate people about those who suffer as i do. i will help those with depression. i will be the friend that i have never had, but always needed, to anyone who wants it. i will be a testament to the depression that has oppressed me for 8 years now.

depression is not who i am. depression does not define me. what defines me is the fact that i am staying alive even though it is proving to be the biggest struggle that i have ever encountered, and i am asking that you help me and people like me. because it’s not a one person job.

my name is willow. and i’m telling you that depression is a rude ass bitch. but i’m a bigger bitch, and unlike my illness, i have the power to make people feel loved and valid. and i will use that power to overcome my depression.

i would like to dedicate this journal entry to everyone reading it. i may go to school with you, you may be just a random tumblr user, you may suffer with depression, you may suffer with some other deeply oppressive situation, you may just be a happy son of a bitch.
it doesn’t matter who you are. let this. journal entry be a testament to your life.

there are people with depression. and there is no way that i can ever explain to you just how it feels via tumblr text post or even via socratic seminar complete with gardens of text books and instructional videos. all i can say is that in this life, you are responsible for being there for the people around you.

you never know what someone is going through. people with depression practically have licenses and 4 year degrees in the field of putting up facades of being okay and sucking it up and repressing those explosive emotions. they don’t expect you to give a shit about them, because as far as they’re concerned, nobody has given a shit,
nobody currently gives a shit, and nobody ever will give a shit about them. they make it hard to help. but it’s so important that you break down those walls. and some times, all you need to do is smile at someone or invite someone to eat after school or to go to a party. you can’t do much for someone with depression. like i said, they’re a whole world away. their concerns and struggles are immaculate, indescribable. however, it doesn’t take much to show someone that you care even a little bit. even if it’s just picking and giving them a random flower.

if you suffer from depression or know anyone with depression and you need someone to look to for advice/help/inspiration, my DM’s are open. oversharing is caring. i know what it’s like to want to take your own life, and i fought the urge to do so even while writing this journal entry.

i am here for you. you are not by yourself. please DM me if you ever need someone to send you pictures of a cute animal to cheer you up, or if you even need me to talk you out of suicide. i know both feelings.

if you’re reading this,
i challenge you to go out of your comfort zone. yes you. i challenge you to do this one easy thing at either work or school, or out in public or in your family

1. pick 3 flowers, they can be store bought or you can have picked them yourself

2. give one flower to someone who you worry might have depression

2. give one flower to a random person who you don’t know

3. give one flower to a person you would like to get to know better, you never know when someone desperately needs a friend


it’s just a flower, but you could save someone’s life. some times, all people need is a gentle reminder that good things still exist and that somebody is thinking about them.

don’t be the person that assumes too high of a role or makes an excuse to not be able to participate in this challenge or share this journal.

you never know when you can save someone’s life.

remember: no matter who you are, i love you. and i am willing to comfort you in times of need. i’ve been where you are. and i know how much ass depression sucks.

my DM’s are open, and so is your future.
don’t end your story this early.

—  Willow Scalisi 4/18/17 (dam i just realized sonic got half priced burgers today, turn up)
Tony Stark/Iron Man - You Look So Familiar

Originally posted by theperkybuttofrdj

Tony runs into a 14-year-old girl outside of a coffee shop and spills his coffee. When she freaks out and tries to run away, he stops her and asks her if she’s okay and notices that she looks very familiar. He takes her back to the tower to get cleaned up and Natasha points out that she looks just like him. So, Tony tests her DNA and finds out she’s his.

Requested by: Anon

Pairing: Tony x Daughter!Reader

Characters: Fem!Reader, Tony Stark, Harold “Happy” Hogan, Natasha Romanoff, Steve Rogers, Bruce Banner, Wanda Maximoff, Vision, Clint Barton, Sam Wilson. Peter Parker, Thor Odinson, James “Rhodey” Rhodes (Mentioned)

A/N: Thank you to @mo320 and @molethemollie for being my betas for this!

Keep reading

[New Sides] Draco x Reader

A/N: My first published fic on Tumblr! It is currently 2:49 AM haha,,, I desperately wanted something to start my blog off so it’s not as good as it could’ve been, but still!

Word Cound: 1,742

Warnings: I think there is like one curse word? Hufflepuff Reader. Female pronouns. Has not been proof-read.

Summary: (Name) has a small clothing accident which leads to a flustered Draco and a sweet ending! (Will probably do a part two.)

Masterlist




There she was.

‘Bloody hell, how could someone be that perfect?’

 

Draco studied her, taking in her features from afar.

He had almost memorized her and the way she walked, the way she talked, the way she would get so lost in her own thoughts in class.

She would walk to the side closest to a wall alongside Neville Longbottom and her Hufflepuff friend Lynne. She would make small conversation and express small emotions. Very rarely would she draw attention to herself, her smiles being short and sweet and her laughs as delicate as a daisy petal.

She had a nervous twitch where she would play with her hair in some shape or form, twiddling it between her index finger and her thumb or curling it around a few times before brushing it out again.

She didn’t like rough flirting. He had figured that out immediately when Cormac approached (Name) and shot out some weird pick up lines, did the thing where he trapped her between two of his arms and backed her against a wall, and basically told her she had to go out on a date with him.

Her answer was obvious when all he received was a hard slap to the face and hard shove backwards.

They were partners in Potions once and Draco found himself staring at her constantly. She was so gentle, yet she knew how to stand up for herself.

He had learned so much about her just by studying her and seeing how she reacted to certain scenarios.

Draco, on the other hand, didn’t even try to approach her. He knew all it would end in was a rejection, and honestly he didn’t want his reputation damaged… No matter how infatuated he was with her.

Draco turned his attention from the Hufflepuff girl scurrying to catch up with her friends.


“… Did you hear me?” Blaise snapped his fingers in front of him, causing him to jump slightly.

“What?”

“I asked what you were staring at.” Blaise stated, eyes narrowed. “A chick?”


Keep reading

an espresso a day:


“Vic, I’m not that desperate.”

It’s the immediate response from Robert because all this fussing is almost embarrassing. He knows he hasn’t been himself lately, but it’s understandable considering his marriage is over.

It’s almost like everyone expects him to dust himself off and go again but he can’t because this is Aaron. This is Aaron who left three days ago and gave him no indication he was ever going to be ready to try this all again, when he was better.

The realisation hit Robert yesterday, sitting in the pub and nursing a pint. He’d realised that he couldn’t be anywhere near the scrap yard because Aaron was everywhere wasn’t he? He’d be forced to stare across his desk and see the empty chair where his husband used to sit, used to swivel like a little kid and drive him mad.

It would all make him miss Aaron even more, he couldn’t afford that type of heart ache. He was too fragile for that.

He’d left the scrapyard, hadn’t even bothered to pile his folders into the spare room at Diane’s which he’s decided to spend the rest of his days living in. It was dramatic but that’s how he felt at the time.

Now though, Vic’s in his room, hovering over him with a hand on her hip and telling him that he needs a hobby, that he needs to do something with his time, that Bob needs help in the cafe.

Vic rolls her eyes, “Robert you need this.” She says, like she knows what he’s going through, like she wasn’t the one who ended her relationship with Adam.

Robert pulls the sleeves up of his shirt and sighs. He can feel the pity radiate off her and it makes him want to run away, do what Aaron had the balls to do.

“I think the money I have can tell ya others.”

“Listen to me, I’m not having you hiding away in here.” It’s almost like a promise and Robert knows better than to ignore her.

So he raises his head. “And working in the cafe is going to do what exactly? Make me forget that I’ve ruined yet another marriage of mine?” It stings, it shouldn’t be this hard, he should be able to realise that it didn’t work for a reason and that he has to leave it alone. He has to stop thinking about Aaron all the time. But he can’t.

Vic is soft suddenly, comes closer and sits on the rickety bed that Robert cannot sleep in properly. “Aaron’s gone Rob,” it makes her brother wince. “He’s working on himself and you need to do the same by focusing your mind elsewhere. I promise it’ll do ya good.” She’s so hopeful and he’s so willing to feel that too.

So he agrees.



Bob’s nice enough. He welcomes Robert like he’s a long lost son (which could probably be true considering Bob and his reputation) But he puts his foot in it, a lot.

“Now, I don’t know how you and Aaron have your coffee but -”

It’s always him and Aaron. Everyone seems them as a pair don’t they?

Robert winces, gulps down and then sighs as Bob realises his mistake and decides that rambling out an apology is the only thing he can do.

“It’s fine.” Robert tries to smile, raise a hand and brush it off. None of it meets his eyes though and he stands there sheepishly waiting for the moment to pass and for his heart to stop feeling like it’s about to break down on him.

Bob shows him how to work the machines but it doesn’t take long because Robert is used to them. He knows where to press and when to wait and how to press and Robert can’t help but crave the gratitude Bob so readily gives.

In a daft weird way it makes him feel wanted, almost needed and it’s enough.

Sometimes Rebecca comes in and it’s awful. She’s growing bigger by the day and she always rubs her belly whenever Robert’s in sight. It’s weird, seeing her, knowing that she’s carrying his son, someone who will love him unconditionally and won’t leave. He should smile when she comes in but he doesn’t, he just pours her something creamy and topped with sprinkles and she lets him know that everyone is okay.


::


“Since when were you working here?” Bernice is suppressing a laugh, watching Robert stick a straw in a smoothie, as she taps her fingers against the counter and waits for his attention. “Didn’t think you’d stooped so low.” She mutters and that gets Robert’s full attention.

“Weren’t you working here a few weeks ago?” Robert retaliates because he’s sick of the looks he’s getting, standing there with a towel on his shoulder and his sleeves rolled up high.

Bernice leans forward, acts like she doesn’t want anyone to hear her as she speaks. “Is this to help get you over the whole Aaron fiasco?”

Robert blinks, his heart skips a beat. “Fiasco?” He wants to shout and make a scene but he almost can’t. It’s too embarrassing. Instead he just shakes his head. “He ended our marriage.” He reminds her like she needs to be.

Bernice politely excuses herself after throwing him a sorry smile. It doesn’t mean much but he won’t begrudge pity right now, it seems like his only friend at the moment.

Until Doug introduces him to his prized beetroot or whatever.


::


He’s getting used to it, the mundane aspect of serving coffee. He can’t help but be himself though, barks a little if a customer bites.

“Yeah well, she didn’t say please or anything, what am I?”

“A barista Robert, someone who serves coffee. That’s all.” Bob is a little too firm with his tone, knows it, sighs to ease a little tension between them. “Just hold back on the etiquette lesson eh?”

Robert feigns sincerity and obliges.

It’s a few weeks later when he sees him. Bob is banging on about treating Brenda and actually is asking for Robert’s knowledge about fancy wine places. Robert puffs out his chest, goes to speak and then he hears him.

He hears him laughing before he even sees him standing there, shock clear on his face because why is Robert working in the cafe?

Robert tries to hold his gaze, allows himself time to trace the marks of his face and hold onto it because it’s been too long. It’s been weeks. He has his hands tucked into his pockets and he’s wearing a blue jumper, Robert thinks it’s new because he hasn’t seen it before. Suddenly he can’t help but wonder what else is new about him, what else has changed for Aaron whilst everything else has stayed the same for him?

Aaron doesn’t order anything, does this awkward u-turn after Bob greets him. Robert hears something about the scrapyard and being busy and he knows it’s a lie, appreciates it all the same though.

He can’t concentrate after Aaron’s gone, he nearly burns his hand and then passes over a tenner instead of a fiver and Bob has to intervene and prize it away from Kerry.

He’s in his head again, swimming, almost drowning every thought Robert had when he wasn’t around. Robert stands back and realises how he looks as he sights himself in the glass of the coffee machine.

He’s got hair sticking out in all the wrong places, cheeks flushed and pink, and a purple apron fixed tight around his waist with an extra tea towel lounging awkwardly over his shoulder. In short, he looks like shit. Shit that Aaron saw.

“How about you get off?” Bob says, there’s that voice again, the one soaked with pity.

Robert just blinks at him and then he’s hearing the sound of someone coming in.

Of course it’s her, with her hand over her stomach and a patterned blazer obviously becoming too tight for her now she’s getting bigger.

“I just saw - I mean, I know that - I know Aaron’s back.” She stammers, head down then tilted then down again and Robert wants her to leave already.

“And what?” Robert says, feels the atmosphere become thick with tension all of a sudden. “Just stay out of his way alright? He doesn’t have to be reminded all the time.” He points directly to her stomach and she shields it almost protectively and yeah, within seconds Robert feels like a Disney villain again.


::


Diane calls him pet a few times and gives him a milky tea, hand on her hip and a small smile on her face.

“I suppose he had to come back sometime.” She reasons, sitting beside her step-son and shrugging. “How did he seem?”

That’s a good question Robert thinks, slumped against the chair in the office and a hand already fiddling with more paper to make more airplanes. He thinks about how Aaron looked at him, an eyebrow raised and his mouth ajar. “Surprised. But maybe that had something to do with me working in the cafe.” He folds over one of the corners of the paper and sighs. “Other than that, he was almost vacant you know? Like he didn’t even care.”

It hurt, thinking back to it. It hurt because why did his heart still skip a beat when Aaron’s stayed the same?

“I’m sure he did.” Doug comes out of nowhere and slaps him on the back for some reason. “He just needs time.”

“For what? To work out I’m a loser and he’s better off alone? I think he’s done all that already.” That scares Robert the most, the thought of Aaron being completely over him now that his head is clear. “I need to do something.”

Diane pulls one of her worried faces and Robert frowns at her.

“Think of it like a flower,” that’s when Robert wants to dart out the room but Doug stops him. “Aaron’s a flower, and you’re a watering can.” Even Diane pulls a face. “You can’t keep pouring water into it, can ya? It’s going to overwhelm the poor sunflower and then it’s going to -”

“Yeah I get it.” Robert waves a hand out, doesn’t want to get it but he does. “Just because Aaron’s back, nothing has changed, he would have come and seen me if it had right?”

Diane nods her head. “Yes love, and he hasn’t. So you’re going to focus on you and not trying to make him take ya back okay?”

Robert feels like he’s giving up, giving in and he hates himself because he’s not a quitter. He hates losing.

But this is different, this isn’t about a contract or a partnership. This is about Aaron, who isn’t happy with him at all, who can’t be with him.

He blows out a long breath, folds another corner over and holds up the airplane, agrees to Diane’s words just as he lets go and watches it dance around the rom for a second before falling down to the ground.


::


It’s relaxing, the way the coffee grinds away softly and then pours right below the brim so that it doesn’t overflow. Robert likes adding cream, swirling it round and adding sprinkles for Rebecca.

They’ve reached some sort of compromise. It helps that he works closer now, that they can catch up over a coffee or whatever.

“How’s he doing?” Robert always asks, always wants to know now that his baby seems to be the only person who doesn’t hold some resentment towards him.

Yet.

Rebecca always smiles, glows when he’s mentioned. “Perfect.” She hums, closes her eyes as she speaks.

“And how’s his daddy?” Robert doesn’t like speaking about himself, doesn’t like speaking too deeply about anything with her because it’s weird and it’s almost too personal.

“Getting by.” Robert offers with a shrug. He’ll keep the truth to himself.


::


Aaron comes in one day, of course he does, and he waits in the queue with his head down. Robert serves slowly, doesn’t know why but he just can’t speak to him. He has this awful thought that Aaron wants them to be mates and he just can’t be. Mates tell each other things, what could he possibly tell Aaron now?

He’s thankful when Adam storms in, mouthing off about Aaron leaving the van in the middle of the road with the keys in. For a second Robert wants to raise his head and call him an idiot, but then he remembers and he disappears into the back instead, only hears the sound of Aaron’s boots leaving the shop.

It’s closing time, Robert’s polishing down the tables and Vic’s in his ear. She’s saying something about Rebecca’s room and how it’s all coming along and Robert’s trying his best to act interested.

The bell goes and there’s the sound of feet coming though the door. It’s Aaron.

“Alright?” Aaron nods at Vic and then he’s slowly looking across at Robert, clenching his jaw the way he does when he’s nervous.

Robert stills, hand growing wet as he squeezes the damp cloth and the sound of the clock ticking by becoming too unbearably loud.

“Yeah.” Robert forces out, standing up straight and awkwardly pulling the towel of his shoulder. “Yeah I’m fine.” He lies.

Aaron nods his head, eyes looking towards the floor and then darting up again. “I just wanted to say uh - some of your stuff is - I’ve packed it up, left it at Diane’s for you.”

Robert feels like he’s being punched over and over again and he wonders if Aaron wants to hear thanks. Surely not?

He just nods his head and looks back down towards the table as Vic looks between them both like she’s watching Wimbledon.

“And your - your haulage stuff is there as well.”

It doesn’t even seem hard for Aaron to get out. Maybe it isn’t. Maybe Adam will high five him as soon as he leaves and they’ll laugh their heads off about it.

“Okay.” Robert almost whispers, knows that he’d have to take it out of the portacabin eventually, didn’t think Aaron would find it so easy to do.

Did he pack away the picture of Liv and me at our wedding day? Robert thinks as Aaron shuffles back towards the door.

“How are ya?” It drops out, unexpected, almost wrong in his mouth.

Aaron just blinks at him for a few seconds, eyes wide and then they almost glaze over. “Fine.” He says, it’s clear that he doesn’t know what else he can possibly say. “Better.” That’s more appropriate Robert thinks.

“Good.” He says, then Aaron leaves and Robert learns how to breathe again.


::


Bob is well up to date with the dramas of Robert’s life, knows when to push and when not, knows that it’s probably best if he serves Aaron if he ever comes in. It’s rare though and Robert likes it that way because it saves an awkward small talk that they both almost feel obliged to go through.

It gets colder outside, crisper and there’s a crackle of something in the air. Rebecca blooms and Robert dares himself to feel excited about it all for a few seconds.

He kicks in her stomach, the baby, and Robert feels it, over the counter, hand pressed firmly on her belly and something melting in his chest as he feels it.

The feeling dies though, because Aaron comes in and he’s laughing again, and some bloke who isn’t Adam is laughing with him. Something stills in Robert’s chest and he feels cold, pulls away from Rebecca like it’s completely and utterly wrong and then he’s dashing behind the counter again.

He watches Bob serve Aaron, make idle chat and then he asks him about the bloke and Robert doesn’t know whether to kiss or slap him. Aaron’s all cryptic though and oddly doesn’t even give Rebecca evils as she smiles at him.

Maybe it’s progress. Maybe it’s a sign. Maybe he’s moved completely on.


::


Robert doesn’t stick around to see how close Aaron sits next to the bloke, the bloke with a chiselled jaw and a blush on his cheeks and a floppy fringe, but fuck he thinks about it.

He sees them again, three days later, this time he can’t escape because Bob’s gone to pick up a delivery. Aaron pushes at the blokes shoulder and the twat laughs, gestures to a seat near the counter and then Aaron’s pointing near the door. Robert blushes when he thinks about that being for his sake.

“Just two coffees, please.” Aaron says, can’t lift his head.

Robert wishes he could, wishes that it was easy considering it’s been a while now. But it isn’t, they’re stuck in this cycle of regret and awkwardness and it’s almost tragic.

“Yeah, to go?” Robert tries to make out he doesn’t know exactly what Aaron wants.

Aaron bites his lip awkwardly and then shakes his head. “Nah, just -” he scratches his eyebrow and then blows out a breath. “So. You. Working here. Never thought I’d see the day.”

Robert’s eyes flicker and he remembers hands over Aaron’s, too comfortable on their sofa, laughing about Robert’s need to tell everyone about how to make the perfect coffee. It was bliss then, it’s a shame Robert didn’t really figure that out in time.

“Yeah well, someone had to teach the world about how to make the best coffee.” It rolls off the tongue, it’s easy and Aaron’s eyes almost twinkle as he fights back a laugh, rolls his eyes instead.

“I suppose so.” Aaron almost whispers back, hands dancing too close to the till, too close to *Robert and he pulls back, turns towards the twat waiting for him and Robert takes the hint. He actually does his job, does it well and nods at Aaron who takes the mugs with thanks.

Robert tries not to burn a massive ‘Fuck You’ sign into the back of the twat’s head as he listens to them speaking. It’s irritating. Not loud enough for him to actually string a sentence together but not low enough for him to be able to ignore.

They stay almost until closing time and Robert thinks it’s out of spite or something, then remembers it’s Aaron he’s talking about and thinks against it as quickly as he can.

The twat leaves and Aaron stays and six o'clock rolls by, and Robert’s locking up, Aaron’s still there. He’s just sitting there on his phone, like he needs to say something.

He does. It’s serious and Robert feels it hit his gut.

“Liv’s back tomorrow.”

He doesn’t expect it to ache but it does.

“She knows enough. I know that me and you are hardly shooting daggers across the room but we stay out of each other’s way nice enough don’t we?” Robert just nods. “I need it to stay that way Rob.”

Something fizzles inside Robert as he hears the nickname but he tries his best to fight against it. “I get it Aaron.” It comes out of nowhere, it’s this bubbling anger. It’s an almost ‘how dare you try and say I’d make things hard for Liv?’ “I know exactly how you want this to be.”

Aaron’s hurt, it’s clear, he gulps and then shuffles on his feet. “I didn’t want any of this.”

It’s suddenly too deep too soon and Robert wants it to be over. “We’re closing now -”

“- walking in on you rubbing her stomach, seeing ya every day and seeing her - you think I wanted this?”

He’d seen that?

Robert shuts his eyes, he was kidding himself if he ever thought they had reached a soft sort of state. They’d never be like that.

“All I know is you didn’t want me. Or my baggage. Don’t remind me Aaron.” He was so strong and then his voice breaks and he disappears round the back, waits for Aaron’s footsteps to die out and for the sound of the door to slam.


::


Diane gives him another milky tea and Doug buys him shortbreads and they chat about it, Robert finds it easier now to get it all off his chest with them.

“He hates me.” Robert offloads, shuffles in his chair and reaches out for a piece of paper to fold. “I could see it in his eyes, clear as day.” Diane brushes a hand over his knee. “He saw me feel the baby kick?”

Doug tuts, “Well that’s probably understandable isn’t it?”

Robert raises his head sharply. “And what do you say about him laughing and joking with some guy?”

Dough goes to speak, decides against it as he pushes forward another shortbread and shakes his head.


::


It’s a bad day, he had a dream about Aaron and it made him cry like a little boy in the middle of the night. The next thing he knew, he was climbing out of the bed, reaching over and Aaron’s ring was in his hand. It was cold to touch, too cold and it almost felt like dead weight in his hand.

He decides he needs it close to him, maybe it will stop the nightmares, so it’s round his neck now and he promises to never take it off.

Because that’s healthy.


::


There’s an order in, Bob’s gone mad and overdone it on the bakery items and Robert’s been left to sort it out.

He’s rolling his eyes as he counts the cream slices and the blueberry muffins and then he’s stopping all of a sudden because the massive cookies are right in front of him. The ones that Aaron adores, the ones bigger than his face with the smarties and huge chocolate pieces wedged in.

It hits him so hard that he almost falls back, he’s ridiculously love sick and it aches. “Those are Aaron’s favourite.” He whispers, more to himself than anyone else. But Bob is Bob, slams a hand over his pack and then squeezes his shoulder and yeah Robert finds comfort in it more than he probably should.


::


Liv comes in and sees him and it’s so painfully obvious how hurt she is.

It’s in her eyes and the way she gradually approaches the counter with hesitation.

He wants to hug her, say he’s sorry but he can’t because the words get stuck in his throat and she just stares at him.

“I’ve been waiting to give you a chocolate cream swirl with extra sprinkles you know?” It’s pathetic, he’s expecting her to turn right around and tell him to never speak to her again but she doesn’t, instead she just nods a little and then she’s shaking her head at him.

“Why are ya such an idiot eh?” Her eyes are watery and she’s grown, she’s taller and probably wiser. Maybe she sees things differently now, maybe that’s why Robert’s still got his head on his shoulders.

The cafe is hardly busy, just Jimmy in the corner trying to avoid Nicola, so he comes round the counter and he holds her close to him and she lets him.

It feels too natural for words.


::


A few days go by and Aaron’s back, the same bloke is back too and he’s wearing this checkered shirt which does absolutely nothing for him.

Bob’s got them offering a pumpkin latte nowadays and Robert almost winces when he has to ask Aaron if he’s interested. They haven’t really spoken since Aaron let slip that seeing Robert with Rebecca still wasn’t easy or whatever.

Aaron’s got his scarf tucked into his oversized black jacket and he raises an eyebrow at the request. “Nah. Just two -”

Robert knows his order, “Yeah alright.” He says before turning his body around and wondering if Aaron will leave.

He doesn’t though, he stays and Robert turns around and stares at him properly. There’s something lighter in his eyes and he hates to think that the checkered twat is making it that way.

“I’ve been meaning to have a chat with you.” Aaron says, clears his throat.

“You never were big on chat.” Robert says, hand pressed against the counter and a small frown on his face.

“Yeah well, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for snapping the other week.” It seems almost pathetic, to apologise now.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.” Robert shrugs. “You’re moving on.” He looks straight towards the twat and misses the look on Aaron’s face. “And I’m trying to focus on that too.” He says, cheeks flushed a little and the sound of hot milk pouring into a mug making the atmosphere feel less tense around them.

Aaron bites his lip. “I’m glad we both are.” He says, something sad in his voice that Robert wants to ignore because thinking too deeply about what Aaron wants only makes it hard to breathe.

Robert tilts his neck a little and then his eyes widen as he sees that Aaron’s eyes have fallen onto his neck, the chain. He pushes his head back up and when he looks up Aaron’s attention is elsewhere.

“Yeah.” Robert lies, hands over the coffees and disappears into the back again.


::


So, Rebecca gets a friend, or gets back in contact with a friend and then suddenly they’re always in the cafe.

Robert doesn’t mind seeing her, watching her lounge about in her flowery dresses, because he’s seeing his son as well and that layer of guilt and distance he once felt for his own child isn’t there any more. He hates to think it’s because Aaron isn’t there anymore either.

The friend’s name is Charlotte, she’s a pretty thing, bright green eyes and brown flowing hair which is annoying plaited like Rebecca used to do before she was always tired or crying or both.

“So, you the baby daddy then?” She’s posh too, eyes shimmering at Robert as if she’s interested in him.

Something stirs inside Robert and maybe he’s interested too.

“Sure am.” Robert says, doesn’t know where to put his face. “You want another coffee or something?”

Charlotte leans a little closer, “Bex hasn’t told me the ins and outs, just that you’re not together, never were really.” She’s doing that weird almost flittering almost judging you thing and Robert still doesn’t know where to put his face.

“Yeah well that’s true.” Robert looks up at her, tries to smile and realises he didn’t give her appearance enough credit, she really is beautiful. “Why’d you care so much?”

Charlotte does this shy smile thing and pulls her hair behind her ear whilst shrugging. “Oh I don’t know, many reasons.” She says, makes something rise in Robert’s stomach.

But then she’s looking down at his hand, at his ring and she’s widening her eyes for a second. Then Aaron’s coming through the door, alone this time, and his face is almost falling and Robert wants the ground to swallow him up.

“I really haven’t been filled in then.” Charlotte says, tries to laugh it off but her cheeks redden in embarrassment.

Robert goes to speak, sees Aaron hovering nearby and he can’t get his words out right.

So Rebecca struggles to stand up and Charlotte helps her up and they both scurry off to whisper about how pathetic Robert Sugden is and always will be.

Aaron just stays there awkwardly, orders a massive cookie to maybe just tug at Robert’s heart strings that little bit more and then he’s asking if Robert’s okay.

“Do one Aaron.” He doesn’t mean to be unkind, just hates how he’s feeling.

Aaron doesn’t, just raises an eyebrow. “I didn’t do anything.”

Robert feels tears well his eyes, thinks he’s crazy for getting so emotional. “Yeah, you don’t even need to though do ya. You just walk in here and make it impossible for me to move on just like you are -”

Aaron looks like he’s going to cry, shakes his head and frowns. “I’m sorry.” He blurts out. “Liv thought it would be alright if we tried to be -”

“It’s too hard Aaron.” Robert whispers, head down. “Being your mate? Getting along? I can’t Aaron. Please.”

Aaron nods his head, tenses and goes to speak before deciding against it, leaving.


::


Rebecca’s only got a month left until she pops and Robert would be lying if he says he doesn’t want to meet him already.

He’s thrown himself into that life, the one where he’ll be a dad next month and he’ll have to completely forget the life he had with Aaron.

Aaron. He hasn’t shown his face for a while, Liv has though and she’s becoming herself around him again.

All it takes is a strawberry smoothie and a brownie after school everyday and yeah, she’s not hating him as much anymore.

“How comes you and Aaron are still so frosty?” Liv asks, pointlessly sucking the straw despite knowing it’s already empty.

Robert stops buttering a roll and raises his head. “We’re not. I just told him I couldn’t be his mate, that’s all.”

Liv raises an eyebrow. “Yeah I gathered that.” She says, annoyed. “It would explain his conversation with Adam the other night.”

Now Robert’s intrigued.

“Oh yeah?” He puts down the knife and gulps. “What was that about?”

Liv squints her eyes and using the chair next to her as a stool despite how many times Robert keeps telling her not to. “Like I’d grass.” She says, like there’s loads she can’t say. “Let’s just say, he thought it was a good start, being mates with ya for once. You saying you don’t want that was sorta like a slap round the face.”

Robert’s eyes flutter because he can understand why it would be but - he still feels the same. He still can’t quite understand how they’d ever be mates.

Rebecca’s shuffling through the door and complaining about being hot, it gives Robert the chance to think of something else for a little while as he helps her sit down and reminds Liv to keep her feet on the ground.


::


He thinks he maybe should apologise to Aaron, explain himself, be able to talk like a normal adult but he bottles it.

Instead he gets roped into painting Rebecca’s room and finds it weirdly relaxing. So he starts painting in his spare time like a loser. Doug keeps telling him it’s great, says he can take up gardening next if he wants and Robert tries his best to smile through the embarrassment.

Liv’s impressed by his painting, says that the colours look well together and he can’t explain why it makes him so happy.

He pushes his confidence into his son’s room, starts drawing trees on the walls and even Vic is impressed.

He doesn’t ache when he thinks about Aaron for a whole two days.

But then he sees him again. He looks good, he always does but he looks better than usual. He has a tight shirt on, muscles on show, hand ruffled through his hair and the checkered shitbag is with him.

He hasn’t seen said shitbag for a while but seeing him standing there, smiling at Aaron and then sitting himself down, it’s enough to make his blood boil.

He makes them their coffees, gulps hard and attempts to say something to Aaron but he’s already gone back to his seat.

Robert watches them like a nutter, wonders if they are actually dating now that he’s becoming a firm fixture by Aaron’s side. He makes Aaron smile, rolls his eyes a little and chuckle as he sips his coffee and Robert hates him. He thinks about grilling Liv but then thinks against it because the last thing he wants is for her to think she’s being used only for that when it’s not the case.

It’s near to closing time, music around the cafe soft and slowing and Bob is running off to get the kids so Robert has to lock up again. They’re still sitting there and he tries to busy himself by the tables near the till so that he isn’t going full on stalker mode.

“How about we get out of here?” The twat asks, hands dancing close to Aaron’s. “Back to mine?”

Robert wants to be sick, nearly is.

“I’m not ready for that,” Aaron hisses and Robert’s legs turn to jelly. “Ya know I’m not, it’s all too new, too fresh.”

“Maybe it has something to do with us sitting a few feet away from the scumbag.”

Robert wants to throttle the twat and chuck him out of his cafe, well Bob’s cafe, but then Aaron’s frowning harsh.

“It’s not that. Well yeah, but - Luke we have a laugh don’t we?” Aaron sounds like he’s nervous and Robert hates how this Luke is making him feel. “It’s just a bit too soon.”

It should be enough, Robert goes round the counter and tries to empty the steaming coffee and then he sees Luke squeezing round Aaron’s upper thigh and then hears the scrap of a chair and -

To say he’s scalded himself is a bit dramatic, but there’s steaming hot coffee boiling his hand and fuck it hurts.

“Shit, shit shit, fuck -” Robert’s swearing his head off and Aaron’s staring at him with wide eyes, leaving Luke to make his way out of the cafe.

“You idiot.” Aaron chastises him, runs off to get a cold towel and presses it against Robert’s hand.

Robert wonders if he feels it too, the spark that surges between them still. It makes Robert shudder but Aaron just stands there, looks exactly the same.

“This was bound to happen.” Robert winces, takes the cloth from Aaron and runs the tap, ice cold water shocking him as he looks at his red hand. “Looking any better?” He wonders, tilts his head towards Aaron and then looks at the younger man who’s eyes are fixed on the silver band which Robert still wears.

“Yeah a little.” Aaron clears his throat and then chews at his lip. “Sorry about you seeing that, or hearing that, with Luke.”

Robert hates how Aaron apologises to him, hates it so much.

“Seemed keen.” Robert tries to joke, it doesn’t meet his eyes though.

Aaron rolls his eyes and then he’s signing hard, pressing his back against the counter. “It was moving too fast anyway.” He says, “We weren’t, we *never -”

“You don’t need to talk to me about that Aaron. Any of it. It’s not my place anymore.” Robert snaps, the thought of hearing about lucky fellas getting their hands on Aaron makes him want to cry.

Aaron turns red. “What do we talk about then?”

Robert cringes, his hand is wrapped up in the cloth still as he stands there awkwardly. “We don’t have to Aaron. I don’t know what you want from me, what you want me to say.” Aaron goes to speak. “Because I can’t talk to ya about what I was doing last night.” Aaron turns a shade paler and Robert shakes his head, tries to communicate that it wasn’t anything fruity or whatever. “I was painting Rebecca’s room for the baby, the baby who will be here this time next month Aaron.”

He sees the way Aaron’s face drops, he sees the hurt in his eyes and then the way he gulps.

“That isn’t going away.” Robert promises Aaron, realises that they needed to say this to each other, that they still seem to need to hurt each other for the greater good. They’ll never move on properly if they don’t.

Aaron nods sadly, “Neither is that though is it.” He whispers, points towards Robert’s ring and then he’s fighting back tears and Robert feels like a dick.

“I’m sorry.” Robert explains. “I’m sorry I can’t let go of it yet.”

Aaron shudders, suddenly pulls his hand up and strokes Robert’s cheek, turning the older man’s body to jelly again as his heart practically melts in his chest. “I get it.” He says, lets his hand linger, lets Robert become haunted by the tears in his blue eyes and then his gone again.


::


Robert paints again tonight.

Paints his feelings or whatever.

Only uses blue paint.


::


Rebecca has a full on break down and Robert doesn’t see it coming.

She suddenly thinks she’s useless, rubs her belly protectively as she sits in the rocking chair Vic bought her and cries her heart out.

“I’m no expert but I doubt that’s good for the baby.” Robert reasons because he hasn’t mastered a soft voice for Rebecca yet. He only has one for Vic and Liv and *Aaron. He passes her a tissue, watches her chest heave up and down as she takes it.

“I don’t know how to do this.” Rebecca flies a hand up, eyeliner smudge, mascara races down her face. “Robert, I can’t do this.”

Robert gulps hard, comes closer towards her. “Where’s this come from?”

Rebecca hesitates like she wants to keep it to herself and then she sighs heavily. “Saw Aaron today, he wished me luck for everything.” She pulls a face. “He was kind, better than before. I felt this pain in my stomach and he -”

Robert’s eyes widen in panic that he didn’t know was even there in his heart.

“He sat me down, asked Bob to get me a tea.” Robert goes to speak and she shakes her head. “You were sorting a delivery, I specifically didn’t want him calling you out.”

Robert thinks about Aaron helping her and something twists in his chest. He doesn’t know how exactly to feel. Surprised? Maybe, because Aaron had said awful things before, he basically said he’d be glad if the baby died and now he was helping keep the baby okay.

“If he wasn’t there, I might have lost him, through my sheer panic.” Rebecca rolls her eyes. “I would have drove to the hospital -”

“We said you weren’t going to drive any -”

“Exactly.” Rebecca shudders, rubs her stomach again and flicks hair out of her way. “I’m ridiculous.”

Robert has a hand on her knee. “Yeah well what does that make me?” She manages to smile at him and he feels like he did when he was younger, when Rebecca used to smile at him like he was the only light in the world. It tugs at his heart a little and he wants to protect her. It’s like she’s a younger sister, one who has wronged him, one who he has wronged too.

“I’ll be here.” Robert says, “And we’ll love him as much as we can, I guess.”

Rebecca frowns, “You guess?”

“I know.” Robert corrects.

And he does, he really does know.


::


Adam’s always had a big mouth, it’s just a standard thing really.

So yeah his booming voice carries through the cafe and he hears him gossiping with Bob as he passes him over sandwich.

“Between you and me, he’s eating his words. I mean, he wanted to push for the whole mates thing and it didn’t work out right.”

Robert backs away, manoeuvres himself into the little side room and listens in.

“You’ve got to see how hard that must be for him though, being mates with Aaron would have been hard.”

“Yeah I know, it could have led to something though.” Adam sighs. “You never know.”

“What with his baby on the way?” Bob makes sense, Robert loves Bob. “I doubt he’d be on board now.”

“Well maybe he just wants Robert to try.” Robert rolls his eyes, he isn’t psychic. “Again. Maybe he’s ready.”

Something bubbles in Robert’s chest and he fights back a smile.


::


Robert has another dream about Aaron. He’s standing there, arms outstretched, tears in his eyes and he says: ‘I still miss you.’

Robert has to rub Aaron’s ring a few times before he settles down again, suddenly realising that he needs to try and get Aaron back again.

One last time.


::


Aaron comes in with Adam, it’s freezing outside and he comments about it, of course he does, he’s always moaning about being cold.

“Yes Robert,” Adam’s got into the habit of slamming his hand down on the counter and Robert always has to roll his eyes. “Two coffees, one slice of toast and a bacon sandwich for me.”

Robert sighs. “I’m not doing bacon.” He says, “It spits out at me and I’m not going through that for you.” He says, voice dry and a smirk on his face that makes Adam scowl.

“Well thank God, Bex is the one pushing out your kid eh?” Adam says roughly, no bite in his words as he turns back towards the sofa.

Robert waits until he’s gone to use the loo before he comes over and settles the coffees down, passes over Aaron’s toast and then a cookie too.

“Didn’t order that.” Aaron says, phone in hand as he points towards his favourite cookie they sell.

Robert nods, “It’s to say thanks, Bex told me you helped her the other day.”

Aaron looks almost embarrassed and flushes pink. “No bother.” He says, “It was no big deal.”

Yet it was. It was a massive deal to Robert and he doesn’t know if Aaron can work that out.

“Yeah well it was to me.” Robert stands awkwardly over Aaron and then bites the bullet, sits opposite him. “You know, after everything …”

“I wasn’t myself when I said all that.” Aaron’s eyes flicker up to Robert’s like he wants him to hear this. “Do you know that?”

It seems suddenly vital that he does, it seems like Aaron wants to scream it at Robert until he does know that he’d never want to harm Rebecca or their baby.

“Yeah. I know you Aaron.” Robert whispers, tilts the plate towards Aaron and smiles. “Enjoy.” He adds before he’s up and away and he’s missing the smirk on Aaron’s face as he eats.


::


It’s getting colder, Rebecca’s about to drop and Robert’s life is beyond hectic whilst Aaron’s seems to be going at a soft pace.

Everyone’s wanting a hot chocolate nowadays.

Bob helps him step it up a gear (the whole ‘get Aaron back’ operation)

He orders this funny shape maker and Robert can’t help but get this silly love sick cheesy idea which usually makes him feel sick.

He starts dusting smiley faces into Aaron’s hot chocolates.

“You are pretty love sick aren’t ya?” Liv comes in, smirk on her face and Vic walking with her.

Robert instantly feels like he’s in for a grilling or something.

“He’s always been a bit of a smitten kitten though, some things never change.” Vic comments, smiling as they approach the counter.

“You what?” Robert asks, knows what they’re on about, wants to know how they know though. Has Aaron been finding it absolutely ridiculous?

“You’ll be giving him love hearts next.” Liv pouts playfully and then Robert’s bright red, working around Bob who is fighting a grin.

“How’d ya know about that?” Robert grumbles out.

“Adam picked up Aaron’s the other day by accident, laughed his head off.” Robert growls, he can see it now and he wants to smack the stupid idiot. “Aaron doesn’t mind it all that much though.” Liv continues and Robert’s eyes brighten at her words.

“No?” Robert feels something tighten in his stomach and he’s suddenly too hot, his white shirt sticks to his arms.

“Said it was sweet. Then told Adam to fu -”

Robert stops Liv, tells her off and then he’s grinning to himself until it’s closing time.


::


It becomes a thing.

Robert gets all creative, takes an age to dust over the coco just right so that it looks good.

“Flipping heck just confess your undying love.” Nicola snaps, makes Robert turn red and he’s suddenly thankful that Aaron’s in the bathroom.

“Shut it Nicola.” Robert doesn’t even look up, just keeps dusting over the coco like he’s in a world of his own.

When Aaron comes out everyone’s staring at him and Robert passes over his coffee, fights a smile and relishes in the way Aaron thanks him with a curt nod of the head.

It shouldn’t make him melt like this he thinks, because Aaron was his husband wasn’t he? He’d gone through this pathetic falling in love stage and it had been beyond messy, he can’t do that all again.

He can’t help himself though, he’s in too deep and he falls into this pattern of making Aaron feel special or something, in his own little way.

But it doesn’t pay off.

Aaron’s tapping his foot against the floor loud, Liv sitting opposite him with her phone up towards her face.

He’s leaning in and trying to talk to her and then she’s shifting her body away from him. It looks tense from where Robert is stood, behind the counter, Bob in his ear telling him to do something.

So he does, he comes over with a hot chocolate and a smiley face and a cream slice.

“Didn’t order anything Rob.” Aaron snaps, hand over his face as Robert stands there, his navy blue shirt sticks to his back as he becomes flustered and confused. “If I wanted something, I’d have paid for it myself. I don’t need your hand outs.”

Liv’s eyes widen and her phone is abandoned. “It’s a cream slice.” She almost echoes Robert’s exact thoughts.

“I didn’t mean to -”

Aaron suddenly stands. “You think you can really buy back what we had through stupid messages in hot chocolates. You broke it Robert. You ruined it so stop trying to fix it again.” He’s almost screaming at Robert and the older man stands back, lets him and then watches as Aaron calms down, as the realisation hits his face and oh -

There’s the regret for causing a scene, embarrassing Robert so publicly.

“You’re wasting your time.” Aaron tells him, calm now, voice still icy enough to hurt though.

Liv looks horrified, tears swell in her eyes and then she’s following her brother out the door.


::


“That was your fault that.” Robert tells Bob, the cafe is closed and he’s tackling the coffee machine which has been on the blink all day, talking about Aaron’s outburst and of course blaming Bob for telling him to go over.

“I didn’t know he was going to be like that.” Bob says, doesn’t want the blame. “He’s probably stressed about something else, taking it out on you.”

Robert pulls something and clicks something else. “That’s nice of him.” He says sarcastically before hearing Bob’s phone ring. “You get that.” He says, tries to turn something in the machine.

“Ah. Yes, no that’s fine I’ll be there.” Bob makes promises over the phone, something about picking up the kids again and Robert wants to throttle him.

“This needs fixing.” Robert explains, makes a point by hitting the stupid machine.

Bob pulls a face. “And you’re doing a grand job.” He says, all smiles as he fetches his coat and unites his apron. “Look if it’s still acting up in ten minutes, leave it alright?” He says before he’s dashing off and leaving Robert.

Robert decides to think about Aaron again, question what exactly he’d done to make him react that way. He thinks and thinks and then takes his frustration out on the glossy coffee machine which just won’t pour.

Then he’s clicking something and warm milk is spluttering out everywhere, splashing over his shirt, over his jeans and won’t stop until -

He doesn’t even know how, but Aaron’s there, pressing a switching and holding out a few tissues for Robert and he looks a lot calmer than he did before.

“Cheers.” Robert gulps hard, takes the tissues and then just stands there looking at Aaron, then back towards his ruined shirt. “Do you mind waiting here a second, I’ve got another shirt in the back that I can change into.”

Aaron raises an eyebrow, “Course ya do.” He says and something flutters in Robert’s stomach as he goes.

When he comes back through Aaron’s already clearing up the mess and his heart tugs. “You don’t need to do that, it’s fine, I can manage.” Robert says, comes closer and then Aaron’s looking down towards the counter, looks like he can’t speak. “Aaron?”

“You keep it round your neck?” Aaron whispers, finally lifts his head and stares at the gleaming silver line of the chain which Robert still wears. Robert blushes, thought it would cover by his shirts. “My ring.” Aaron adds thickly, like he can’t believe it.

Robert clears his throat, “Why did you come here Aaron?” He whispers.

“To apologise. For hurting ya. I didn’t mean to snap like that Rob.” Aaron says, turns towards Robert. “Even when we’re not together I’m pushing ya away.” He holds his head like it hurts and Robert hates himself for making him like this again.

He was happy a few weeks ago, then he started dusting smiley faces into Aaron’s hot chocolates and it all went down hill from there.

“It’s okay.” Robert lies, because it hurt like hell but Aaron doesn’t have to actually hear that. What good would that do? “Apology accepted.” He nods his head and it’s so formal that it aches.

Aaron lingers though, like he’s not ready to leave and Robert doesn’t know what to say. “Why did you start doing all that anyway?” He says, eyes fluttering towards the floor.

Robert gulps, this is too painful, too raw and he hates it. “Because I’m selfish.” Aaron looks up like he didn’t expect to hear that. “Because I wanted you to know I care when I should just - just leave you alone -”

“That’s not what I want.”

It’s so heavy in the air, Aaron’s green jumper jumps out and grabs Robert’s attention and everything is Too Much.

“What?” Robert blurts out, tears in his eyes, tears falling. He’s got Aaron’s words on repeat in his mind, telling him they’re broken, that there’s no going back, that he can never be with him. Robert breathes out heavily, hands flying. “Well then what do you want then?” He says, a hand through his hair, face wet. “Because I’m *struggling Aaron. There, I said it. I can’t keep doing this when I have ‘no idea what you even want and I -”

Aaron’s stepping forward, has his hands on Robert’s face and he’s crying too, the way he always does when he’s overwhelmed.

“You. I just - all I’ve ever wanted, is you. You, Robert. Just -” Robert can feel him, he’s so close, lips brushing against lips, hands falling into hair and then -

Robert’s phone is ringing and the minute is crushed because Aaron’s telling him to get it and he doesn’t want to. He wants everything in the world to wait but it can’t.

It’s Vic, she’s rambling and -

Rebecca’s in labor apparently.


::


He’s healthy, he’s soft and he’s got whisps of white hair which should golden. There’s a few freckles on his face and he has gentle unassuming eyes filled with wonder.

They’re a hazel colour, spotted with specs of green and blue.

And he’s beautiful.

Everyone says so.

“I think we did good.” Rebecca says, exhausted yet still glowing as she lays there, looks at Robert holding the baby in his arms. “Even if it wasn’t meant to happen.”

Robert raises an eyebrow. “We did good.” He says, tries not cry.


::


Rebecca names him Gabriel and Robert doesn’t roll his eyes at the name, he likes it a little actually.

“He’s just precious isn’t he?” Diane whispers as Robert holds him, lets her gently stroke his hair. “And you’ve got him tonight?” She checks and Robert nervously nods.

Rebecca’s still exhausted and she asked if Robert wouldn’t mind having him for the night. He’d said yes when he wanted to scream that he wasn’t sure. But he’s been good as gold so far and he can’t complain too much, not when he’s in his arms.

Doug rubs his hands together, “Oh lovely, little Gabriel can watch Love Your Garden with us.” He says, settles down on the sofa and elbows Robert who actually doesn’t mind.


::


“Gabriel? As in the angel?” Of course Liv twigs that and of course she’s got something to say about it. “How could you make an angel Gabriel?”

Robert laughs at her, throws a straw in her direction and waits for her to say something else.

“Can I come see him?” Liv asks, maybe thinks out loud and then Aaron’s behind her.

Robert’s mouth goes dry and he feels sick. He hasn’t see Aaron for days, not since -

Well before he had a baby, a son, a responsibility. He supposes everything has changed for Aaron now that everything is real. Robert hates how the younger man has probably realised everything he said was wrong and pathetic and that he doesn’t want a single dad after all. Not after everything.

“Maybe uh - I mean, it depends.” Robert gives her half an answer and she knows better than to pry, so she says something about being late for the bus and leaves her brother standing there with his hands in his pockets.

“Bob’s just gone to get milk.” Robert explains, wonders if that’s what Aaron wants.

Aaron nods his head, looks almost in pain as he smiles. “Congratulations.” He blurts out and Robert doesn’t know where to look because he’d ran out the cafe after Aaron told him to go and he hadn’t caught him up on anything. He hadn’t told him everything was fine, he hadn’t had a minute to.

“Thank you.” Robert whispers, “Honest.”

Aaron gulps hard, like he’s really trying. “I bet he’s got your freckles, I always thought that -” he stops himself and bites his lip. “I bet he has.”

“He does yeah.” Robert says, wants to hug Aaron, wants to tell him he loves him still and that he can do this, they can do this. But then the door is opening and Rebecca’s walking through looking as pale as a ghost and Gabriel’s there, right in front of Aaron and -

He watches Aaron run away, doesn’t even call out for him to stop.


::


Aaron disappears for a while with Liv and Adam says they’ve gone to Ireland, says nothing more but Robert knows why.

He cries when he tells Diane that he won’t come back, that he knows now that Aaron won’t ever love him because of Gabriel.

Because of his little boy who never cries with him, who holds his hand really tightly and never seems to kick up too much of a fuss with his mum either.

There’s nothing he can do about Gabriel, wouldn’t want to do anything now that he’s here. So he focuses on his little boy and himself and as the leaves fall he manages to get himself a flat just outside the village.

It’s not poxy, just not lavish and Robert wants to call it home.

He spends his nights there, painting walls and moving furniture and sometimes Bob even helps.

“Maybe it’s not my place to say this but,” Bob smiles. “I reckon your dad would be pretty proud of you Robert.” He says and something warms across Robert’s heart, makes him want to believe it.

He fixes up the spare room for Gabriel, uses his painting ‘skills’ to create an underwater world for him and he gets approval from Rebecca, and Vic and even Doug likes it (despite being bitter that his garden theme idea didn’t get passed his own mouth)


::


Christmas is a week away suddenly and Robert contemplates spending it alone, in his new flat.

He thinks about Aaron, of course he does, and about how he’s still away with Liv. He thinks about him being happier, away from Gabriel and reminders and hurt and that makes Robert smile a little, manages to stop the pain in his chest for a few minutes at least.

It’s closing time, Bob’s at the twins nativity and Robert’s attempting to pull tinsel out from one of the machines, has no clue how it got there in the first place but keeps going.

Even when the door chimes open.

“We’re closed, sorry.” Robert says, tugs harder and doesn’t even look back.

“I don’t think I can wait until tomorrow.”

It’s his voice, and everything seems to melt in Robert’s chest because it’s Aaron’s voice packed with nerves and -

Robert spins around, drops the tea towel from his shoulder and stares at him. He gazes, notices how healthier Aaron looks now, he’s wearing a burgundy jumper, tight jeans and a smile on his face which is watery, matching his eyes.

“Aaron, I thought you’d -” Robert can’t speak, feels his mouth turn to sandpaper again. “What are you doing here?”

Aaron blows out a breath, “I thought it would be better, not seeing you or him, but it’s not. Because I’m miserable without you.”

Robert shakes his head. “And you hurt yourself when you’re with me Aaron. That’s why you left the first time.”

Aaron gulps, “I shouldn’t have blamed you for my own mental -” he blows out a breathe. “I never should have.”

Robert doesn’t know what to say, his eyes water and he can’t cope with the closeness of them, steps back. “We’re not good together Aaron.” He says, defeated. He knows that now, knows that the highs should always outweigh the lows and they never seemed to. “We hurt each other too much, and I’ve got Gab -”

“Could we go and get a coffee or something?” Aaron blurts out, plays with his hands like he’s a child.

Robert feels his chest tighten. “And what good would that do?” He knows this game, they’ve played it for four years now.

Aaron just looks up towards the ceiling and a tear falls down his face. “Please.” He pleads, “I’m ready Rob, to talk, to - to just -”

“I’m never going to be sorry for loving Gabriel.” Robert insists. “I can’t hate him Aaron.” He shudders when he thinks about his son, about how innocent he is in all of this.

Aaron takes a step forward, “I wouldn’t ever want you to.” He says, grabs Robert’s hand and shivers like he feels something again.

“I can’t - can’t have you running away from me again,” Robert drops his head, finds it difficult to speak. “I can’t handle thinking I have you again and then - you leaving.”

Aaron nods his head, he’s so close that Robert can feel Aaron’s forehead against his own. “Let me take you out for coffee, we can take it from there okay?”

Robert looks at Aaron and sees it in his eyes, love, it’s there again, maybe it never left.

“Okay.”


::


It starts with that one coffee a week before Christmas, and it turns into another and another and they talk.

It’s alien yet so normal at the same time.

Aaron meets Gabriel on Christmas Day and it’s odd, it’s soft and unlike anything Robert imagined it would be because Aaron’s eyes didn’t glaze over when Robert handed his son to him. He smiles down at Gabriel, hesitant at first and then warm all of  a sudden.

“Merry Christmas.” Aaron whispers, gently looks up towards Robert almost for permission and then he kisses Gabriel’s head, fights back tears.

They spend Christmas together, kiss slowly under the mistletoe Liv planted and it’s everything Robert’s always wanted. It isn’t too fast, it’s soft and they both smile into it with open hearts.

Their coffee dates continue, sometimes with Gabriel, most of the times without and it gets easier.

Somehow Aaron opens up, makes it clear what he wants and what he can handle and they seem to work their way through it. They fight against the hurdles in their way again and again, when it gets too much for Aaron, when Robert feels like he’s pushing his luck.

But they seem to fall together again.

“I want it back.” Aaron says, one night, a hand over Robert’s, Gabriel’s breathing in the background on the baby monitor.

Robert’s eyes widen, the moon is high and he wonders exactly what Aaron’s saying until he feels Aaron tug at his neck and pull out the chain, the ring.

“Are you sure?” Robert holds Aaron’s arms, stops him dead.

“I want this. I do, I do Rob.” Aaron whispers, and Robert’s passes it towards him delicately, freezes though when he hears Gabriel crying on the monitor. He thinks it’s ruined everything suddenly, closes his eyes and there’s an apology on his lips.

But he doesn’t get to say it because Aaron’s pressing a finger on his lips and he’s sliding the ring on. “Go check on him. It’s fine.” He whispers, eyes soft as Robert stands and leaves him. Robert doesn’t know what to do with his heart as he watches Aaron stare down at it, almost in amazement.

He climbs the stairs to where Gabriel is crying and bundles him up in his arms slowly, swaying him back and forth a little.

“I know, I know buddy.” He whispers, looks down at Gabriel and then moves him over to the rocking chair in the corner of the room. “You’re ruining my date kidda,” he teases, “Aaron’s here, yeah I know. It’s Aaron,” his heart jumps when Gabriel’s eyes widen like he knows what that means. “You know I said we were taking it slow now, well he said he loved me yesterday and - Gabes I was so happy. I never thought he’d love me again, but he said he always has, he said he never stopped.” Robert gently touches Gabriel’s cheek. “And he doesn’t hate ya does he? I think he likes ya really. Must be all the charm you get from me.” He rocks back a little and Gabriel’s chest puffs up and down. 

“Me and him, we’re really trying ya know. He’s got me going to this painting class, says I’m good. So does Lauren.” His counsellor, it was what Aaron wanted them to do, it helps more than Robert wants to admit. “I think we’re going to be happy this time. I think it’s for keeps this time, I think you’ll grow up loving Liv and him nearly as much as I do and gosh you’ll be so lucky I promise.” He kisses Gabriel’s head, watches his little eyes flutter as he pulls him back down into the cot and comes down the stairs again.

He doesn’t expect to find Aaron there, chin wobbling and one of Gabriel’s teddy’s in his hands. He doesn’t expect Aaron to tell him he heard every word as he looks towards the monitor. He doesn’t expect to be pulled into a crushing hug and kissed on the head, and the neck and see Aaron’s tears rolling down his face.

“He’s lucky already. So am I.” Aaron shudders, hands falling round Robert’s neck. “And I meant it, I love you and this is for keeps I swear. I’m not running.”

“You’re not running.” Robert whispers, like he needs to remember it.

“I’m not.” Aaron insists, eyes still wet. “Because we’re going to take it slow, you’re still here, in your flat and - I’m at the Mill. And when it’s right, that’s when you’ll move in alright?”

Robert blinks once, then twice. “Both of us?” He says, eyes falling on Gabriel’s teddy and feeling the time race by him before Aaron’s nodding.

“Yes. Yes Robert, both of you.” Aaron blows out a breath. “He doesn’t make me sad anymore.”

And that causes almost an explosion in Robert’s heart, makes his knees weak.

It’s enough, Robert thinks, mouth pressed against Aaron’s, head swirling with love and a sense of happiness which he thought had died in him.

It’s enough that he’s still living in the not-quite-poxy flat of his that now stinks of chinese after their takeaway, it’s enough that Aaron’s still at the mill and Liv comes round twice a week for her dinner.

It’s enough that Aaron doesn’t hate Rebecca, holds the door open for her if she’s passing with Gabriel. It’s enough that he can’t make small talk with her just yet.

It’s enough that he works in the cafe sometimes, but has thrown himself into back into the business, has a friend in Bob and goes round to Diane and Doug’s for his tea a few nights a week (especially on Tuesday’s because that’s when Love Your Garden is on and even Gabe knows he has to be quiet for an hour) and only Doug knows the significance of the sunflowers Robert keeps buying Aaron.

“I love you Aaron.” He whispers, the stars are twinkling outside and Aaron’s probably going to stay over and get coffee with him in the morning and -

“I love you too.”

(It’s enough)

anonymous asked:

can you do another one were tony is deaged but the other avengers are too? and only tony is a good boy and the rest isnt.. Peter takes care of Tony and loves it

“Fury what do you want?” asks Peter when he gets the call.

Its not uncommon for Fury to call them, because lately the avengers work together with guardians.

Peter isn’t so sure about the avengers. He doesn’t like most of them. They don’t seem like a team and even less like a family.

But he likes Tony.

“We have a situation here.” answers Nick shortly and then ends the call. Peter groans.

“Rocket!” he yells and a moment later Rocket shows up.

“Aye.”

“I’m going back to earth. Wait for my call. I think its better if i go first and see whats up.” explains Peter and when Rocket nods, he starts searching for his suit.

He hates jobs on earth.

*

“You are kidding me.” says Peter when he stands in the communal living room of the stark tower.

“Do i look like i make jokes?” asks Phil Coulson and Peter shakes his head.

On Coulson’s lap is a little child that looks like a mini Barton. Oh god.

“How many are now.. childs?” asks Peter and looks at Romanoff who sits next to Coulson. She can’t be older than three years.

“Agent Barton, Agent Romanoff, Captain Rogers, Sergeant Barnes and Stark.” says Coulson and Peter sighs.

“And what do you want me to do?” asks Peter because they can’t be serious.

Fury coughs.

“You are on babysitting duty. Agent Coulson takes Clint and Natasha in his care. Mr. Wilson already has Rogers and Barnes. And you get the grand prize. Stark.” says Fury and he even turns around.

“Wait. Why should i babysit him?” asks Peter. He isn’t good with kids. He could…kill him.

“Because i just said so. You can all stay here in the Tower. Agent Hill has already some rooms for all of you. In every room are also some things for the … kids.”

And with that Fury is gone.

“Is he kidding me?” asks Peter again and Coulson laughs.

“Have fun. I bet Stark is crazy as kid.” says Coulson and leaves with Clint and Natasha.

Great.

*

“Jarvis where is Tony?” asks Peter and he sighs. Jarvis takes him up to his room where Tony should be.

If he is being honest, he is afraid. What if Tony is really crazy?

Peter opens the door to his and Tonys room for the next days and sees that Tony sits on the ground. He is already dressed in a onesie with little stars on it.

“Tony?” asks Peter and at that the toddler looks up.

“Do you know who i am?” asks Peter than and Tony still looks at him. He doesn’t seem to recognize him.

“Papa!” says Tony then and holds his hands up. Peter shakes his head.

“Oh no I’m not your Papa, I’m Peter.” answers Peter and oh god. He wants to go home.

Tony looks down sadly. He even sniffles.

“Whats wrong?” asks Peter and kneels down beside Tony.

“N-nobody wants Tony.” whispers Tony then and he sniffles again. A few tears drop on the carpet.

“Oh sweetie. Thats not true.” answers Peter and he feels bad for Tony.

“All kids are gone. Everybody got a family but me.” says Tony and Peter sighs.

So Tony can’t remember who he is and he can’t remember that Steve and the others are normally adults, too. Great. But he saw how Sam picked Steve and Bucky and how Coulson took Clint and Natasha. They left Tony here alone.

“No no! I’m here to take care of you!” says Peter and smiles gently. Tony gasps at that.

“Why?” asks Tony and Peters heart breaks.

“Because i really like you.” whispers Peter and Tony looks up with his big brown eyes.

“Oh.” says Tony and Peter smiles.

“So Uncle Peter will take care of you, would you like that?” asks Peter and Tony giggles.

“Yes please.” he says sweetly and Peter coos. God he is so cute. So Peter picks him up and looks around.

“Well where do we start…”

*

“And how is it, Quill? Bet Stark is the real horror.” says Coulson the next morning when Peter sits in the kitchen.

“Fine.” grumbles Peter back. It makes him angry that they all talk about Tony like that.

“Noooooo.” screams Natasha now when Coulson wants to give her some from her breakfast. Clint is already throwing his food on the ground. Peter laughs.

He deserves that.

Peter finishes his breakfast and stands up. He needs to get Tony so his little one can eat something too.

“Good morning baby.” says Peter when he enters their room. Tony is still laying in bed. Fast asleep.

Peter chuckles and then goes over to him. Carefully he strokes Tonys dark curls and Tonys huffs a bit. He sucks lazily on his pacifier.

“You need to wake up bambino.” says Peter and Tony rubs his eyes sleepily.

“Petey?” asks Tony muffled around his pacifier. Peter chuckles.

“Yes and i have food for you!” says Peter and at that Tony opens his eyes and spits the pacifier out.

“Nanas?” he asks and Peter nods.

“Of course there are bananas.” says Peter and picks Tony up.

“But i need to change you first.” announces Peter and Tony groans.

“No!” he says but its not angry. Peter kisses him on the cheek.

“Oh yes. And you can even pick your outfit.” answers Peter and Tony gasps.

“Wanna be a g-g…. man from the moon like you!” says Tony and he seems really excited.

“A guardian. Of course i see what i can find.” says Peter and Tony smiles at him. He is such a cute child. How could Coulson and Fury only think that he would be horrible.

*

15 Minutes later Peter carries Tony into the kitchen. Its a mess. He can hear Bucky and Steve screaming. And Natasha is still crying. Wonderful.

“Loud.” says Tony and puts his hands over his ears.

Peter nods.

“I know. Its okay hm? We need to get some food in that little tummy.” says Peter and tickles Tony.

Tony giggles loudly at that. He wears a onesie with a spaceship on it and Peter wrote “Little Guardian” on the front. Tony loved it.

“Hungry Petey.” says Tony and Peter puts him in a highchair. Tony looks a bit confused at that, but he doesn’t say anything.

“And what do we say, sweetie?” asks Peter and takes Tonys little bowl.

“Please.” says Tony sweetly and Peter gives him the bowl. Tony takes the spoon and starts eating. Peter smiles.

“How did you do that?” asks Sam now and Peter grins.

“How did i do what?” asks Peter back and he sees how shyly Tony looks at Sam. He even squirms in his seat.

“He is so polite and….good.” says Sam and Peter glares at him.

“Of course he is! And whats up with your ….boys?” asks Peter and Sam shrugs.

“They don’t sleep. They won’t eat. I don’t know.” says Sam and Peter could help him. But he doesn’t want to.

Tony uses this moment to spill some of his pudding. It falls on his onesie and Tony looks down.

“Oh no.” he whispers and in the next moment he cries. Sam grins a bit. But Peter rushes over to him.

“Hey no. Don’t cry, bambino.” says Peter and Tony struggles not to cry even harder.

“S-sorry. I didn’t mean t-to.” says Tony and his underlip wobbles. Peter shushes him and kisses his curls.

“Don’t worry. Its just a onesie, hm? I will change you. Nothing happened.” whispers Peter and Tony sniffles.

“R-really?” he asks and Peter nods.

“Course. Everything is alright. I’m gonna clean you up and if you want i can feed you?” asks Peter and Tony gasps.

“I’m too big for that!” he says and Peter laughs.

“How old are you exactly?” asks Sam who still stands with them.

“Two and 5 months.” says Tony and he holds up two fingers. Peter coos again. He is so sweet. Peter takes a washcloth and wipes Tony a bit cleaner.

“And you aren’t too big for that. If you want it then i’ll do it.” says Peter and Tony nods shyly.

“Please.” he says again and Sam smiles.

“God he is the cutest baby on the world.” says Sam and Peter nods.

“He really is.” he says and holds the spoon up for Tony. Tony eats from the spoon, rubs at his tummy and smiles again.

Yep. The cutest baby ever.

*

“Tony i have a surprise for you.” says Peter when they are in their room again. He had found it in one of the cardboards.

“For me?” asks Tony and looks excited.

“Of course. Because you are so good.” says Peter and holds the stuffed animal up. Its a little Raccoon.

Tonys eyes sparkle.

Peter holds the stuffed animal out for him, but Tony doesn’t take it.

“You can have it. You aren’t too big for that either.” says Peter and this time Tony takes it. He cuddles it agains his cheek.

“Its so fluffy!” he gasps and kisses the raccoon on the nose. Peter smiles down at him.

“We could pick a name together, hm?” asks Peter and kneels down beside Tony.

Tony frowns and seems to think really hard about that. Peter strokes his curls again.

“What about Rocket?” asks Peter and laughs. Tony shakes his head.

“ ’s not a good name for a ra-ra-ccon?” Tony tries the word and Peter has to laugh again.

“No you are right what was Uncle Peter thinking.”

“Eddy?” asks Tony then and Peter laughs.

“Thats a very good name.” he says and Tony nods very seriously.

“Hello Eddy. I’m Tony.” says Tony then and shakes the stuffed animals hand. Peter can’t help it he need to film this.

*
“Do you want to play with the others?” asks Peter a few hours later, when they are all in the living room. Bucky and Steve are playing with some cars. Natasha is sleeping on the couch and Clint is busy playing with some dolls.

Tony shrugs. He sits on Peters lap and cuddles with Eddy.

“I bet it will be fun.” says Peter and carefully sets Tony down.

“Otay.” whispers Tony around his pacifier and he crawls over to Clint..

“Can i play?” he asks Clint and puts Eddy next to him.

“No.” says Clint and he even pushes Eddy away. Before Peter can react to that, Tony nods. His underlip wobbles but he takes Eddy and kisses his nose.

“ ’s okay Eddy.” he whispers and then looks at Bucky and Steve.

“We don’t want to play with you, Baby!” says Steve and this time Tony sits down and cries. Peter is there in a second.

“Wilson! Coulson!” he says angrily and picks Tony up.

“Steve we don’t say something like that!” says Sam and he seems angry at that, too. Coulson takes Clints dolls away.

In exactly ten seconds Clint and Steve start crying. And a moment later Bucky starts crying, too.

Peter groans.

“Hey its okay bambino. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Tony sniffles. It takes Peter half an hour to calm him down.

*

Later that night he comes with some dinner for him and Tony in their room and sees the little one on the ground with Eddy.

“ ’s okay Eddy. Nobody liked me before.” says Tony and wipes some tears away.

Peter nearly throws the food on the ground.

*

The next days he spends all his time with Tony. And he always makes sure that Tony feels loved.

Tony giggles the whole week. He is always happy and never says no or breaks something. He is just a cute little boy who needs attention.

The guardians show up on friday and Tony adores them.

“What is that in his hand?” asks Rocket and Tony holds Eddy up.

“Thats baby you!” giggles Tony and Rocket growls.

“A Raccoon stuffed animal? Really?” he asks Peter who only shrugs. Tony giggles.

“Tony what did you told me when i said we should name the raccoon rocket.” asks Peter and grins.

“ ’s not a good name for a raccoon.” giggles Tony and Rocket gasps.

“What did he say?” asks Rocket and Tony taps his nose.

“ but ’s good name for you.” says Tony and Rocket stops for a moment.

“Why are you so cute?” asks Rocket then and Tony shrugs.

“Am i cute?” he asks and Peter nods.

And how cute he is!

Paths


I just finished one test. So I’m rewarding myself with something short and sweet. Another Hanzo thingy.

The first one is here. (My first interpretation of this interaction)

Something that’s been jiggling around in my brain for about a week or two.

This is Doomzo and Mchanzo. So fair warning. 

{Warnings: Sexual content mentioned(Nothing explicit), voyeurism(Mentioned)}


Hanzo has always been attracted to powerful men. Not a shock, considering he’s spent his entire life under the control of powerful men.

So when Akande Ogundimu stepped through into his family’s compound, a low bow at his father’s side, Hanzo knew. He knew in the way Akande watched him as they toured the main grounds, those strong arms tucked at his lower back, hands clasped. Hanzo could hear their fathers speaking quietly and he knew that an alliance would be struck between their families.

He was not aware that a marriage would be required.

He was also not adverse to it.

Akande was a generous lover, a strong presence at Hanzo’s side. He had an analytical mind that could rival Hanzo’s own. His tactical genius assisted Hanzo when his father deemed them worthy of assigning raids.

Akande visited frequently. Hanzo never visited him. Sojiro would never allow his only competent heir to leave the fortress of their home.

Hanzo was bitter, angry. He watched Genji flit around Hanamura with clouded eyes.

“Jealously is a double edged sword, Hanzo.” Akande’s fingers tip his chin up from where they lay in Hanzo’s room. The tatami doors are open and the cool wind strays across sweating flesh. Hanzo’s hair spills out across Akande’s chest, his hair tie was long gone and ripped away.

“I am not jealous.” He mutters.

Akande regards him quietly, hand sliding along Hanzo’s jawline and into his hair, “It burns within. Do not let that anger consume you.”

The kiss is soft, much softer than the sex has ever been.

His loyalty to Akande and his father shifts just slightly on his twenty second birthday. Genji drags him out of the compound, despite his protests. Akande waves him away and returns to whatever it is he was reading.

He meets the mysterious man in black at the bar. He’s young, perhaps as young as Hanzo himself. His hair is unruly and his clothing speaks of duty. There is a patch hidden in the confines of his pocket and Hanzo is part of an underground operation.They are no strangers to Overwatch’s matryoshka doll of an organization.

Blackwatch was in Hanamura.

Something thrilling erupts in the pit of Hanzo’s stomach. Rebellion at its core. Something he has longed for his entire life. That tingly sense of freedom and he wonders if this is the high that Genji’s lives on.

He takes the cowboy (‘Call me Jesse, darlin’) home with him. The man’s hands are rough and his voice rougher as he slips them up Hanzo’s clothes. His skin is alight, mouth hungry as he tastes cigars and whiskey hot like embers on his tongue.

“Are you going to share?”

Akande’s voice is a thunder of curiosity behind them. Hanzo startles, realizes where he is and who was in his room waiting for him.

Shame is the first thing to rush through him.

Arousal is the second.

He looks up at the blackwatch agent, thumbs  the beard at his jawline, “You will watch.” He speaks to Akande.

Akande’s laugh is dark, promising, “Only if I get you after, my dragon.”

He takes the agent named Jesse in his bed. Hands curled in the man’s unruly hair and insides burning from the frenzy of emotion Jesse releases. His words are frantic, rushed and bleeding with promises Hanzo knows he can’t keep.

Akande watches from the sidelines, waiting.

Jesse steals a rough kiss and his eyes are almost gold in the moonlight cast through Hanzo’s bedroom. He leaves in silence, one last look at Hanzo as Akande slips into the bed with him.

Akande is a brand, an overwhelming overstimulation.

Hanzo loves it.

But he dreams of Jesse.

Years pass. Akande comes to him with news. He has been taken under by a mentor. The second line of Doomfist. It is an honor, despite the atrocious the second Doomfist has committed. He asks Hanzo opinion and they discuss it over tea.

Akande is passionate, brilliant.

Hanzo’s smile is tight. His brother’s figure passes the doorway.

“We will be unstoppable together.” Akande declares.

Hanzo returns to his betrothed, can see the ambition and promise in Akande’s gaze.

He forgets about Jesse.

He murders his brother.

Blood drips down his hands, sword at his feet. His chest is tight, too tight and there seems to be no breath in his lungs. The dragon’s howl under his skin, distraught and screaming at the death of their own brother.

Hanzo flees.

He runs and runs, changing his name, his identity. He hides.

Akande’s capture spreads across the world. Contaminated by Talon. Taken down by a small team from Overwatch.

Hanzo hovers above his prison twice. He so desperately wants to see him.

Why did they stray so far from their paths?

They were supposed to rule together. They were going to be unstoppable.

But Hanzo is done with this criminal life. He roams the world, seeking redemption for the atrocity that he has committed. He mourns for his brother every day. Returns to the castle in his honor every year.

That is where he is reunited his brother once again.

His dragon is a beacon of green, a reminder of what Hanzo has done.  

Genji offers forgiveness.

Hanzo can not accept that.

He cannot.

Hanzo keeps tabs on Overwatch for a month before he drops onto its doorstep. The recall brings more than he thought it would.

Including:

Jesse McCree.

Who greets Hanzo with a tip of his hat and a smile that speaks volumes of their past.

“Never thought I’d see you again, darlin’.” His voice has aged, so has the rest of him. So has Hanzo.

“Nor did I.” Hanzo mutters.

Jesse swallows, pats his legs, “How about a drink?”

Hanzo lifts an eyebrow, nods, “I would….enjoy that.”

He is with Jesse for nearly a year when the Reaper assists Akande in his prison breakout. The doomfist gauntlet has been taken. Numbani is in tatters, a frenzy of political and civilian meltdowns.

Hanzo is alone on the battlefield when Akande lands before him.

He is just as imposing as he was in his youth, more so now with the golden gauntlet covering half his chest. The white markings are new. His footsteps are silent, despite his hulking size.

Hanzo is not afraid.

“Hanzo, you should consider joining us, I think we would see eye to eye.” It is not the first thing he expected Akande to say to him after so long apart.

Hanzo wrinkles his nose, nocks an arrow, “I would have little to gain from such an arrangement. No, I will find my own path.”

Akande stops before him. He is the enemy now. Hanzo should be afraid.

His left hand cups the side of Hanzo’s face, thumb across his cheek, “You are sure?” Akande’s voice lowers, as does his head.

Hanzo thinks of Genji. Of everything he has done. The anger that burned within him when he struck his brother from the sky.

He thinks of Jesse, a warm weight at his back every night. The smell of smoke and the taste of alcohol on the balcony of the watchpoint.

“We would be unstoppable.” Akande promises, “Talon could offer you more than just your empire, Hanzo.”

Hanzo closes his eyes, “I must refuse.”

A sigh, heavy and warm against his face.

“Losing you is difficult to bear.” Akande admits quietly, “You know I do not like refusal.”

Hanzo steadies his posture, jerks out of Akande’s grip and levels an arrow at his chest, “Then you should get use to my refusal from this point on.”

Akande grins, eyes dark and molten on Hanzo’s, “Then I look forward to seeing you again on the battlefield, my dragon.” He bows swiftly and slinks away.

Hanzo lets him.

Hanzo lowers his bow. Heart racing. Sweat beading down the back of his neck.

“-anzo!”

His comm fizzes to life, he did not realize it had been compromised.

“I am here.” He replies.

A relieved string of sighs on the other end from numerous members of his team, “Where are you? What’s your status?” Soldier 76’s voice is firm and bellows over the other questions of where he is.

“I will return to the rendezvous point shortly.” Hanzo states, “And 76?”

Yea?”

“Tell Winston that Talon is recruiting.”

Every Second of Everyday (Dan Howell x Reader)

Originally posted by shinyphan

Hey guys! I’m finally on break and finals are over! (thank lord jesus) so now I will be posting a lot more than I have been so I hope you enjoy and happy holidays!

xxx Megan

——————————————————————————————-

Dan’s POV


 I miss her every second of everyday. I can’t help but wonder what she is doing and most nights I end up punching a pillow or screaming at the top of my lungs thinking about how I treated her. Thinking about how she left one night in tears. Thinking about the disgusting words that left my mouth that I would constantly throw her way. Guilt couldn’t even begin to describe the feeling that was devouring me when I thought about the fear in her eyes every time we were argue. 

 Y/N had left 2 years ago. I could never blame her though. I treated her with such disgrace and constantly regret everything I did to her. At first we were fine, an average happy couple, but then my career exploded and stress was running my life. And unfortunately I would take out all my stress and anger on her. Every night we bickered about something for a good 3 months. Then the bickering formed into top of the lungs screaming at each other until one of us ended in tear or had lost the will to fight anymore. The worst part is she was the one who stopped almost every single time. She was the one trying to desperately fix us and put us back together. And me being the dick I was just decided to ignore her and push her even farther. The night I came home and saw our bedroom only filled with my stuff didn’t surprise me at all. Hell I wasn’t even upset. That was until about a month later where I found the letter in her old underwear drawer.

 Dan,

 I bet you will either throw this in the bin, set it on fire or not even bother to read it but yet here I am writing it anyway. I’m tired. Dan I’m so tired of you complaining about shit and not even realize that the most important thing was broken. Dan Howell I love you so much and I feel like I always will but you are not willing to fight for the most valuable thing in my life. Us. If you’re not going to try to fight then I guess I should just give up too. I know it’s a shitty thing to just pack up and leave but I was already bawling writing this and I have to leave. If I talk to you in person you will make me stay and I can’t keep doing this. We’re broken. I’m broken. I’m done and so is our relationship. I can’t say I wouldn’t miss you holding me or kissing me or even looking at me cause we both know I’d be lying but I am doing this for you. You’re obviously caught up in work right now and I know how much stress and frustration you have bottled up and I know I’m just an obstacle in the way. I love you so much baby and I hope you have a good life without me getting in the way.

xxx Y/n

 I punched a hole in my wall that day. Anger filled my veins at the thought of her crying over an asshole like me, making her think she was justing getting in the way of my life. I loved her with everything I had and still do and yet I left her feeling broken and worthless. I miss her every second of every day. 

 I was currently laying in my bed, alone, staring at a picture of a beautiful couple. It was a tall, dark haired boy smiling down at a perfect girl with y/h/c. He gazed at her lovingly as her eyes were squeezed shut with a wide opened mouth on her face laughing at a dorky joke the boy had tolded her moments before. This was my favorite picture of us. We both looked so innocent and in love. So happy. My thoughts were interrupted as there was knock on my bedroom door.

 “Dan?” I heard Phil questioned on the other side of the door.

 “Yes?” I spoke weakly as I heard the door creak slightly. I heard a sigh escape his lips ashe walked over to me removing the photo from my hands.

 “Still thinking about y/n?” He spoke quietly as I nodded slightly. He frowned slightly looking at the picture shaking his head slightly. Y/n and Phil were so close when we were dating. Besides me she would tell Phil everything but since the letter neither of us had seen her. 2 years she had walked out of our lives and yet both of us remember it like it was just yesterday. Phil shook his head setting the frame down as he gave me a small smile. “Wanna go to the store with me? Get your head off things?” Nothing could make me stop thinking about her. 

 “Sure Phil.” I smiled slightly as I sat up from the bed.



Your POV


 I strolled down aisle 3 searching for eggs. pushing my cart slowly.  My eyes scanned as I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I grabbed it quickly answering the phone call, not glancing at the caller ID already knowing who was calling. 

 “Hi honey.” I spoke still looking for the eggs.

 “WHERE ARE YOU?” His phone boomed through the phone causing me to wince slightly

 “A-at the store. We ran out of eggs and the recipe calls for 2…”

 “You knew all my colleagues were coming over at 7 and I told you to have dinner ready by then!” Ryan’s voice was demanding and loud as I reached down finally finding a carton of eggs.

 “All of it’s done except for the cake you specifically asked for!” I spoke harshly into the phone setting the cartons in the cart.

 “Don’t you dare use that tone with me young lady.” He hushed into the phone causing me to roll my eyes.

 “Okay Dad I’m gonna go now see you at home.” I hung up before he could say anything else. Ryan was my fiance, a well paid, intelligent doctor who thinks he is better than anyone who is younger or earns less money than him. Me being 2 years younger and a mediocre photographer makes him feel twice as powerful towards me. We had been dating for a year and a half and to say we weren’t in love with each other is an understatement. The only reason we were getting married was because his parents loved me and told him to “claim me”. Being the suck up he is of course he proposed. And me being the most awkward person just happened to say yes. I was so busy trying to place my phone back in my pocket I didn’t realize I was walking I ran face first into someone’s chest.

 “Sorry about that love.” A thick british accent spoke causing my breath to hitch. I’d know that voice anywhere. 

 I lifted my head up slightly to look at the stranger’s face as I met a pair of two familiar brown eyes.

 “D-Dan?”



Dan’s POV



 “D-Dan?” Her voice squeaked out causing me to freeze. It was her. Here. RIght in front of me.

 “Y-n?” She gave me a polite smile as she looked down at her feet, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, biting her lip, like she always did when she was nervous. I just wanted to pull her lip from her teeth and kiss her. But I’ll I could do was shuffle awkwardly and place my hands in my pockets.

 “H-how you been?” She asked quietly as her beautiful y/e/c eyes met mine once again.

 “I’ve been better…” I gulped as I saw a streak of guilt fill her eyes. “How about you? How are your photos doing?” She smiled slightly as she nodded slightly.

 “I finally got a job. Somebody saw one of the pictures and fell in love with it so they asked me to join their company.” I grinned at her happily. She had always been struggling trying to get her dream job but I had always told her she could do it. That was until all we did was fight…

 “See! I told you you could do it!” I spoke happily causing her to giggle. Oh how I had missed that sound. “What picture was it?” I saw her face freeze before she whispered 

 “The one of you and I…” I opened my mouth to speak when I heard another voice chime in.

 “Dan I found the… y/n?!” I heard y/n squeal as I saw her jump into Phil’s arms

 “Philly!” 

 I felt a pain in my heart as I watched them hug before she pulled away. Phil looked at her gleaming as he suddenly noticed something that I hadn’t.

 “Are you engaged…?” My eyes immediately darted to her left ring finger where a sparkling diamond ring sat. No. I thought to myself. She can’t be. That should be MY engagment for her. I felt my heart physically break as nausea took over my stomach as I saw her nod slowly. She looked down at her finger before looking up to meet Phil’s gaze again. I felt my eyes become glossy as I looked down at my shoes rapidly blinking trying to keep from crying. Phil seemed to notice my pain as he quickly spoke up. 

 “Congratulations! Well Dan and I should be headed out. We have a bunch of editing to do tonight and we have to watch some new anime episodes as such.” I looked up to see y/n gazing at me sadly as she nodded understandingly. She pulled Phil into another tight hug before turning to me and opening her arms slightly. I wrapped my arms around her petite figure as she hugged me tightly. Her vanilla perfume filled my nostrils as she squeezed me tightly. She pulled away slightly before waving a small wave smiling a little. 

 “Bye guys.” Her sweet voice filled my ears one last time before I saw her turn and continue walking the opposite way. I felt a small tear fall from my eye as Phil placed a hand on my shoulder squeezing in reassurance. 

 “I’m sorry Dan….” He spoke softly causing me to shake my head and wipe my tears.

 “Don’t be…” I spoke, “I’m the one who left her go…”



Your POV


 The radio quietly played in the background as I drove to Ryan and I’s apartment. My mind screaming Dan’s name over and over again. I had never gotten over him and the disappointment in his eyes when finding out I was engaged broke my heart. As I pulled into the parking lot of the apartments I felt my mind become cloudy when I tried to think about why I was with Ryan and not Dan. Dan and I had so much in common while Ryan and I were polar opposites. Ryan didn’t have the sense of humor like Dan did. Ryan didn’t care for me like Dan did. And even though all Dan and I did was fight and bicker, at the end of the day, I didn’t love Ryan the way I loved Dan. I carried the bags of ingredients up to the apartment where I opened the door to reveal multiple doctors and nurses filling up the living room. Sophisticated conversations were being spoken as laughter filled the room. I dropped the bags on the table causing a few to glance over at me and Ryan to notice my arrival.

 “Took you long another! Everyone I would like to introduce you to my friend y/n!” I stared at him blankly

 “Fiance.” I spoke angrily only causing Ryan to roll his eyes and nod softly before grunting out 

 “Yes… my future wife.” I scoffed before turning back to unload the bags when something caught my eye. The walls were empty. Nothing was hung or displayed on any wall of the house,

 “Ryan!” I spoke loudly over the voices making everyone go silent and turn their attention towards me once again.  

 “What?!” He spoke harshly, obviously annoyed by me interrupting his company for a second time.

 “Where did my pictures go?”

 “What pictures?”  

 “Oh I don’t know THE ONES THAT I TAKE FOR MY FUCKING JOB THAT WERE HANGING ON THE WALLS EARLIER!”

 A snotty brunette then piped up.

 “Job? Ryan I thought you said she was a lawyer not a picture taker.”

 “Photographer.” I gritted my teeth trying to calm my anger before turning my attention back to Ryan. “First you don’t want to announce me as your fiance and now you’re embarrassed by my job?!” I shrieked angrily as Ryan just chuckled. 

 “Y/n, I have a very important job and so do all these people. I didn’t feel telling them about your hobbies.” I felt my blood boil as he spoke.

 “Well you know what. I’m sorry I didn’t graduate from a fancy college with a perfect GPA. I’m sorry I don’t make as much money as all of your “perfect” friends but I’m not fucking sorry for who I am or what I enjoy doing. I like my “unimportant” job thank you and I know lots of people who support me.”

 “Oh yeah like who?” 

 “Like Dan…” 

 “Seriously y/n?! You’re bringing up that loser again! He doesn’t do anything either. Worthless piece of….”

 “Don’t you dare finish that sentence Ryan…” I spoke in a low, demanding voice. “Plus I know one thing Dan has that you will never EVER get.”

 “Oh yeah what’s that?”

 I looked down at my ring before sliding it off my finger and slamming it on the table “My heart.”

 “Y/n you’re gonna regret this…” I shook my head staring at him dead in the eye

 “Actually this is the best decision I’ve ever made. Have fun at your fucking party Ryan.” I pushed through the crowd grabbing my keys and open the door as I hear Ryan call from behind me.

 “You walked out that door y/n you can never come back. Do you hear me?! You can just send someone to get all your shit.” I stopped dead in my tracks before calling back.

 “Gigi will be here tomorrow to pick it up.” As I walked out slamming the door. I quickly rushed down the stairs as I reached my car hopping in and rushing down the street driving to the first place that popped into my head…



Dan’s POV


 “Phil make some popcorn!” I shouted from the living room as I searched through the TV for the episode we were gonna watch when I was interrupted by a knock at the door. Who would be delivering something at this hour I thought as I slowly stood up and walked down the stairs. I reached the door unlocking it slowly to be met with a petite girl. Tears filled her y/e/c eyes as her y/h/c hair was tangled slightly. I opened my mouth slightly as I stared at her standing at my door. I never thought I would something as beautiful as this moment. Even with her ratty hair and her makeup slightly smudged under her eyes she still managed to be the most breathtaking thing I’ve ever laid eyes on. I felt a smirk creep on my lips before I let out one of my remarks trying to lighten the mood.

 “Long time no see.” She giggled under her breath before I heard her mumble.

 “God I’ve missed you.” Before I could respond I felt her grab my shirt and tug me toward her. I felt her moist lips connected with my slightly chapped lips as the taste of her cherry chapstick invade my mouth. My hands found her waist as I tugged her inside with my closing the door by pushing her back against it. I tugged on her bottom lip as I pulled away smiling. She giggled resting her forehead on mine as I whispered.

 “I thought you were engaged?”

 “I was.” I grinned before reconnecting our lips

 I missed her every second of everyday. That was until she was mine again. I ended up marrying that girl. To ensure, that I wouldn’t have to miss her anymore.

the-word-weaver-of-the-faeries  asked:

“i just want to help you relax.” Cassian and Elain?

concept subconsciously stolen (with permission) from @pterodactylichexameter‘s nessian masterpiece. 

Cassian, lounging idly on a chair in front of the fire in the main lounge area of the House of Wind, yelps in sudden shock as he feels something cold press against his wings. 

After the…incident at Hybern instinct has him tucking them tight against his body, crouching into a defensive position, whirling to find- Elain. Elain tutting and frowning at him as she nudges him back, with surprising strength, to sit on the couch, easily overbalancing while he’s caught off guard with the sheer shock of finding her there. 

“Look at the mess you’ve made,” she huffs as she idly hooks a finger underneath the talon at the crest of his wing and tugs, opening it up as casually as though it’s a lady’s parasol. 

“Elain-” he croaks, not entirely sure how or why this is happening, just knowing he needs to stop it before things get…decidedly uncomfortable for them both. 

“Hush,” Elain cautions him, the soft word somehow so subtly threatening he finds himself obeying it without thought. “It needs to be done,” she says firmly, another dollop of the cold…something splattering against his open wing. “There’s no use being a baby about it.” 

With that she sets to rubbing what he now recognises as the salve the healers have provided for his still raw and tender wings in with gentle, careful circular motions that have him melting into the couch. Oh Cauldron fuck me sideways, thinks with a groan. This is not the way he pictured leaving this world for whatever’s beyond. Mostly that image involves Nesta and a fair amount of lube. It does not involve him imploding as he tries to contain himself and not destroy Elain’s innocence. Whether he succeeds and the resulting stroke kills him, or he fails and Nesta slaughters him the outcome is depressingly similar. 

“Elain, really,” he begins hoarsely, shifting before her and trying to politely squirm out of her reach. “You don’t have to do this, honestly, I’ll just get-” 

“There’s no-one else here,” Elain tells him brightly, “They’re all…Away somewhere.” She says vaguely, voice trailing off as though she’s going to tell him where they all are, exactly, and why none of them are sparing him this horrible fate, then she shrugs and decides against it, returning to his wings instead. Cassian clenches a hand into a fist and tries to force himself to resist but Cauldron boil him, she’s entirely too good at this. 

“But you’ve been so good to me, Cassian,” she goes on, her voice so earnest and sweet that he can’t bring himself to tell her what a terrible mistake she’s made. It’ll just have to be something they laugh about a century on at parties…Or a secret that he takes to his grave for fear of Nesta. More likely the latter. “I just want to help you relax! This salve is very important for your wings healing properly…”

She continues babbling on, listing the various ways it’s good for his health, missing the biggest reason that it’s very much not. Cauldron boil him, how can no-one have told her about Illyrian wings and how sensitive they are? No…No he understands. How could anyone destroy sweet, gentle Elain’s innocence that way? Impossible. Impossible for him, too, even as he feels his cock starting to respond to her attentions. 

Cassian becomes aware, dimly, in the back of his mind still connected to this unfortunate reality, not imagining what the afterworld looks like, that Elain has stopped prattling. “Are you alright, Cassian?” She asks, concerned, peering at him over his shoulder. 

“Fine!” he yelps, not particularly needing that part of his anatomy to give him away at the moment when he’s trying so hard not to ruin her. It’ll be fine. He can just…Just get through this, it won’t take long, the salve will be on his wings, her innocence will remain intact, and he’ll have to go and spend some quality time alone in the shower with the water so cold ice crystals are practically forming in it. 

“Alright, just, tell me if it hurts, okay?” she tells him, still sounding worried, bless her. 

Then she moves on to the other wing. Cassian beings praying to the Cauldron, the Mother, whatever else might be listening, to give him strength. 

Elain, apparently considering it her duty to apply the salve to his wings and distract him from what she seems to think is a rather harrowing process (it is, just not for the reasons she assumes) and so she starts talking about Nesta. Thoughts of her don’t entirely help matters, not least because he starts picturing her hands on his wings, applying his daily salve…Images of her hands on other places intrude unhelpfully as well. 

He clears his throat pointedly, “Why don’t we- Why don’t we talk about something else, Elain?” he rasps out. 

“Oh dear,” she says, and he can picture that sweet little face falling, her hands pausing on his wings. He isn’t sure if that’s a mercy, giving him some recovery time, or curse, prolonging his torment. “Are the two of you fighting again?” she asks sadly. 

“Mm, something like that,” he mutters noncommittally. 

Fighting. Fucking. Same difference, really. 

“Is that why she left with Mor this morning?” Elain asks conspiratorially, “So that she wouldn’t have to do this for you?” She taps gently on his wing  to indicate her meaning and Cassian wonders how it’s possibly for someone to go through so much of life so utterly oblivious to this aspect of it. 

“I doubt that,” he says sardonically, before he can stop himself. Fortunately, Elain misses the little flick of sarcasm on the end of his words and simply returns to her task. 

Dutifully she switches the topic away from Nesta and starts chattering about her garden instead. Cassian is very fond of Elain, and very fond of the garden she’s impulsively started on top of the House of Wind but Cauldron boil him…Her talk about daisies and dandelions and how she’s amazed Mor hasn’t learned the difference between weeds and flowers, which is the reason she’s now banned from said garden, really isn’t distracting enough to take his mind off his current predicament. 

Finally, he can’t take it anymore, she’s so close, but unfortunately so is he, and he can’t stop himself from biting out roughly, “Elain, stop, please.” 

She does at once, nearly dropping the little tub of salve in her surprise at his sudden outburst. “But I’m nearly finished-” So am I- “You can’t hold on just a little-” she breaks off, apparently noticing him trembling and gasps, hurrying around to the front of the sofa, her mouth covered by her hands. “Cassian, I’m sorry!” she gushes, “I didn’t realise it was hurting so badly. Nesta does this for you every morning and, well, she sometimes isn’t the gentlest person in the world-” No, she’s not, and Cass loves every second of that…Not that he’ll tell Elain. Having her think she might have hurt him isn’t ideal but..It’s a hell of a lot better than the alternative. And so he lets her babble to her heart’s content until- “I just wanted to- Oh.” 

Cassian makes himself take a little more notice of her then and realises that her eyes have managed to fix between his legs, wide and shocked. Despite his best efforts at hiding it, there’s really no question that she’s finally noticed the full effects of her good deed. 

Her hands fall slowly away from her mouth and he really does wish she’d stop staring. Then she meets his eyes instead and he decides he’d much rather have them returned to where they were, thank you. “Mor,” she swallows and continues, sounding a little faint, “Mor told me Illyrian wings were sensitive but I…I thought. Oh, Cauldron.” 

Clearing his throat and trying to maintain a little dignity, which seems to dictate that he remain seated for the time being, Cassian says, “It’s really not a problem, Elain, you didn’t know, you were just trying to help.” 

“Even so, I, I-” she’s slowly flushing a deeper and deeper shade of red and Cassian thinks that if that continues he might have to summon a healer to come and check on her. “Is there anything….I can do to…help?” she asks delicately. 

Cassian can’t help the bark of laughter that tears out of him. She’s just so earnest and sweet in wanting to assist him with his current predicament. He does force himself to bite his tongue and stop himself winking at her and making some comment loaded with innuendo, which he would to anyone else that managed to find themselves in this current situation. Not Elain though. 

For her he just reaches out and gently pats her hand, eyes twinkling, “I’m sure I’ll be alright,” he tells her with a faint smirk, “Maybe just…Give me a few minutes?” 

“Of course,” Elain yelps, abandoning the salve on the table in front of him as she makes, what’s clearly a very welcome retreat across the room. 

He leans forward and picks up the glass of water he hadn’t dared touch while she’d been dutifully rubbing salve into his wings and takes a small sip, settling back to wait for himself to calm down, glad that the House is empty save him and Elain. 

At the doorway however, she pauses. He’s about to turn around and ask her what the matter is but then Elain says, an oddly sly note in her voice, “So…This is why Nesta helps you with your salve every morning.” 

Cassian chokes on his water.