'i have good news and bad news'

  • Jake: Bad News - Christine locked the keys inside the auditorium.
  • Jake: Good News - We didn’t have to wait around for a locksmith.
  • Jake: Bad News - Christine finds it very concerning that I know how to pick locks, and tried to unlock my Tragic Backstory™. I was too embarrassed to admit that the reason I learned was because, at thirteen, I figured that was the kind of skill that would impress hot people.
  • Jake: Good News - A hot person saw me do it.
  • Jake: Bad News - It was Rich, and since he’s already seen me fall out of several trees, cry because I saw a fawn that was just too damn small, and knows I can ride a unicycle, he’ll never think I’m cool no matter what I do. It’s too late. He knows

anonymous asked:

Hey Papa Bear. Im not sure if you remember me, but im the ice skating anon 👋🏼 I have good news and bad news. The good news is i got into a competition !! And the bad news is that in practice when i performed a toe loop, i fell and just so happened to break my nose. So yeah, how exciting. I love you Papa Bear !! ❤️

Hello Dear. I do remember you. You are the only person calling me ‘Papa Bear’ Haha. Oh shit, I hope you’re alright! Please take good care of it and be healthy soon! About the good news: YAY! Sounds exciting! ❤️

  • Seokmin: Bad News- Mingyu locked the keys inside the building.
  • Seokmin: Good News- We didn’t have to wait around for a locksmith.
  • Seokmin: Bad News- Seungcheol finds it very concerning that I know how to pick locks, and tried to unlock my Tragic Backstory™. I was too embarrassed to admit that the reason I learned was because, at thirteen, I figured that was the kind of skill that would impress cute boys.
  • Seokmin: Good News- A cute boy saw me do it.
  • Seokmin: Bad News- It was Soonyoung, and since he’s already seen me fall out of several trees, cry because I saw a fawn that was just too damn small, and knows I can ride a unicycle, he’ll never think I’m cool no matter what I do. It’s too late. He knows.

Bad News: Our boss locked the keys inside the building.

Good News: We didn’t have to wait around for a locksmith.

Bad News: My boss finds it very concerning that I know how to pick locks, and tried to unlock my Tragic Backstory™. I was too embarrassed to admit that the reason I learned was because, at thirteen, I figured that was the kind of skill that would impress cute girls.

Good News: A cute girl saw me do it.

Bad News: It was Maggie, and since she’s already seen me fall out of several trees, cry because I saw a fawn that was just too damn small, and knows I can ride a unicycle, she’ll never think I’m cool no matter what I do. It’s too late. She knows.

100 Dialogue Prompts: Part 5

Great team work, amigos. Here’s is part 5! 

  1. “Why is there a naked Ken Barbie doll tied up in your room?” “Goddammit, ____! I told you not to go in there!”
  2. “No Candice, I am NOT selling you my soul again.”
  3. “why is the fairy holding a gun.”
  4. “Jesus Christ on a boat made of crackers, what are you doing outside of the pod ship again?”
  5. “WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT” “He said I couldn’t… and I thought it was a challenge…”
  6. “How the fuck did you dye the ocean ORANGE?!”
  7. “Why are the roses green?”
  8. “Great, you made death angry.”
  9. ”この___だ!”
  10. “That better be a press on tattoo.”
  11. “If you only listened to the nature, you could learn more than humans ever passed to us.”
  12. “So, we’re dead?” “Well, kind of… yeah.”
  13. “Remind me again why you have a centaur tied up in your truck?”
  14. “Can you stop staring into my soul every time we meet? I feel exposed.”
  15. “You do realize that he wasn’t breathing when he spoke to us, right?”
  16. “I liked you better when you where possessed by that demon friend of yours”
  17. “You’re absolutely in love with him and have been for at least 2 years if you don’t go tell him how you feel I swear to god I will”
  18. “There are worse things in life than death.” “Nobody asked you,Lucifer.” “Just saying.”
  19. “Well, it’s wonderful that you’re having a sexuality crisis, but in case you forgot, we’re kind of in the middle of STOPPING THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!”
  20. “Why is there a horse crashing on our couch?” “Oh, that’s Satan.”
  21. “Why would I hang out with you? You’re so incompetent! Your sacrifice to the faeries was so insufficient!”
  22. “Where the hell did the dragon go?! He was right here!”
  23. “Ok, the recipie calls for two cups of lemon and a cup of sugar, but all I see are cough syrup and battery acid…”
  24. “What do you mean today’s not a Tuesday?!”
  25. “So everyone on Earth had the same dream as me?”
  26. “you know what will solve that? Scotch.”
  27. “I didn’t ask for this!” “… you didn’t?”
  28. “How is it that the least likely outcome is always the outcome I receive?!” “You should go buy a lottery ticket.”
  29. “Guys, i know you’re all busy, but if any of you wants the dinner done, i will need my arm back”
  30. “Of COURSE I care about you. That’s why I sold your soul on the black market.”
  31. “JOHN I AM BEGINNING TO QUESTION THE VALIDITY OF YOUR PLAN” “AS AM I ALEX, AS AM I”
  32. “What?”
  33. “I will take the concept of my rage, transform it into a physical weapon, and use it to BEAT YOU TO DEATH!”
  34. “Did you really HAD to slap the shark?!” “I mean… If you want me to kick it-”
  35. “I don’t care, your tamagotchi dying is not an excuse to wake me up before noon!”
  36. “You are telling me that the socks with hearts that I’ve been mocking since the first day you arrived are, in fact, what keep you alive?” “Yes!” “What?”
  37. “So you really want me to believe that you’re actually from the future?”
  38. “Dude. What have you done. Now we HAVE TO save those aliens!”
  39. “Can you just stop?” “God no, why would I do that?”
  40. “Hey at least I get laid doing it”
  41. “While that’s a lovely story, it doesn’t quite explain the fires.”
  42. “Dude, please tell me that you planned to deal with her guardian angel when you killed her.”
  43. “That’s such a stupid idea… let’s do it.”
  44. “What do you MEAN this just HAPPENS?!” “All the time, actually.”
  45. “I swear, one day you’ll kill us both.” “Oh please, I’ve never been that reckless.” “…” “That was ONE TIME!”
  46. “Why did you buy a nuke?!” “Why wouldn’t I? It was on sale”
  47. “I am fueled purely by rage and instant coffee.”
  48. “How are you a million years old, bit you can’t even remember who George Washington is?”
  49. “Because I gave not, a single shit.”
  50. “Is that a marijuana? In my good  Christian suburbs?!”
  51. “WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT KILLING PEOPLE?? YOU NEVER USE THE DRAGON, YOU IDIOT”
  52. “I don’t care if he’s a unicorn, NO ONE EATS MY MINI EGGS!”
  53. “Jesus Christ Lewis! *Again* with the Snails?” “It’s Thursday! You said Thursday’s were okay!”
  54. “Here’s a story for you. I woke up in Vegas as a makeup guru. I was REALLY drunk.”
  55. “If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you…WAIT, NO IT WAS A JOKE, STOP!”
  56. “You’re kinda like hitchhiking Ghost Busters, aren’t you?”
  57. “For gods sake, ditch the fanny pack”
  58. “Take the tomato!” “No, I don’t want the tomato” “JUST TAKE THE TOMATO”
  59. “‘That’s no moon!’ Everyone  remembered Jimmy’s words that night as he scolded his friends for half-heartedly pulling their pants down.”
  60. “WHY IS THERE A BEAR IN MY BATHROOM”
  61. “Can you believe it?” “Just barely.”  "Man, I never thought he would ACTUALLY throw the chair.“
  62. "What did you THINK girl scout cookies were made of?”
  63. “Really? That’s not what I heard from Mrs. Sanchez across the hall!”   “Mom she’s literally a possessed cow, why do you listen to her?”
  64. “You got the rubber chicken, cheese whiz, and dish soap?” “Yep” “Ok, let’s do this!”
  65. “Are you building a life-sized Godzilla at 3am again?”
  66. “Don’t get pissy at me, YOU’RE the one who didn’t say what kind of tea bags to get for the clown!”
  67. "So YOU’RE the guy the math textbooks warned us about.”
  68. “Where’s our cat?” “I thought you were responsible for it?..”
  69. “What do you mean I’m half demon”
  70. “why are you duct taping a cat to the ceiling?” “aesthetic.”
  71. “Hope is a lie. So is philosophy, morality, language in general, the sky, dogs, and about a third of the population of Michigan.”
  72. “So let me get this straight. You filled a Darth Vader costume… With cats?”
  73. “How did I die this time?” “Well, it was pretty quick. I missed it, but from what I can tell, you convinced an entire school of 4000 people to throw watermelons at you all at the same time.” “…And?” “The impact of the watermelons threw you back a couple hundred kilometers and you landed in the ocean…inside the mouth of a particularly hungry shark.” “Goddamn it I wanted this death to be metal!”
  74. “Yesterday I learned that my childhood friend was a demon.”
  75. “Please tell me you said 'What bothers me most.’ "Yes? What the hell did you think I said?” Well….it kinda sounded like “His father’s meatloaf.’
  76. "Goddammit, why won’t you die?!”  "I DON’T FUCKING KNOW! “
  77. "I’d appreciate it if you fucking stopped, thanks.”
  78. “What the hell is this?” “It’s jello, you eat it”
  79. "You didn’t” “I did and I made them watch”
  80. "Why in the hell did you think this was a good idea?” “Look, YOU try saying 'No’ to not just a primordial deity, but my little sister as well.” “…Ok, you got me there.”
  81. “How do you know that it’s supposed to look like this?”
  82. “Are you making *tea*?!” “Well what else am I supposed to do?” “I don’t know maybe STOP THE MONSTER THATS RIGHT IN FRONT OF US!!”
  83. “Why are you in a dress?” “Lucifer wanted to have a tea party. You don’t say no to Lucifer”
  84. “So you’re telling me that aliens invaded while I was on vacation?”
  85. “I appreciate the gesture but I prefer my horses fried rather than alive.”
  86. *whining* “But Mooommm, I don’t want to save the woooorrld!”
  87. “Now I know not to cry there”
  88. “What if we DIDNT kill the king every Thursday” “Good idea we’ll kill him on Fridays instead.”
  89. “So you’re a zombie now?” “I guess I am” “So what are you gonna do about it?” “*shrug* I don’t know….”
  90. “I guess you weren’t joking when you said that the world is ruled by ants”
  91. “When I die, tell everyone 'I told you so.’”
  92. “You’re not real… You’re only in those silly books!” “Correction, my dear, you’re the fictional one.”
  93. “There was no 'free pie’ you moron! You stole it!”
  94. “Okay, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that my pet rock has gained sentience, just like we planned! The bad news is that it turns out he’s evil and is currently building a rock army with the intent of taking over the world. aaaand, he’s trying to get Mt. Everest on his side.”
  95. “Why is our baby on a wanted poster?”
  96. “Zombies are people too, Mom!”
  97. “… I’m gonna go for it. Hold my head for me real quick, and don’t put it on a mannequin like you did last time.”
  98. “Fascinating… I was unaware that was physically plausible.” “I know right.”
  99. “ACHOO!” “Bless you.” “No sorry, that won’t work on me.”
  100. “Bye, Felicia. Take you and your cat ears! GO!”

Prepare yourselves, because starting from tomorrow we will be making ‘100 Prompts That Will Make You Cry’ lists. Hope you enjoy this one. Which prompt do you like the most?

  • Evan: Bad News - Cynthia locked the keys inside the building.
  • Evan: Good News - We didn’t have to wait around for a locksmith.
  • Evan: Bad News - Cynthia finds it very concerning that I know how to pick locks, and tried to unlock my Tragic Backstory™. I was too embarrassed to admit that the reason I learned was because, at thirteen, I figured that was the kind of skill that would impress cute boys.
  • Evan: Good News - A cute boy saw me do it.
  • Evan: Bad News - It was Connor, and since he’s already seen me fall out of several trees, cry because I saw a fawn that was just too damn small, and knows I can ride a unicycle, he’ll never think I’m cool no matter what I do. It’s too late. He knows
390 Prompts!!!!

1. “A wedding?”
2. “After everything you did, you’re asking ME to apologize for snapping at you ONCE?”
3. “Am I supposed to be scared of you?”
4. “Are you drunk?”
5. “Are you hitting on her for me?”
6. “Are you kidding me? We’re not ‘fine’!”
7. “Are you okay?” “Why do you ask?” “You’re wearing two different shoes.”
8. “Are you really taking his side against me?”
9. “At what point did you think that was a good idea?”
10. “Babe, you have a problem, please, let me help you.”
11. “Be my wife.”
12. “Before I do this, I need you to know that I have always loved you.”
13. “BOOM! That oughta show you not to mess with me!”
14. “But the carnival is right down the street! Can we please, please go!?”
15. “Can I kiss you?”
16. “Come back to bed.”
17. “Come on, let’s throw the dice, see what happens.”
18. “Come over here and make me.”
19. “Come with me.”
20. “Could you be happy here with me?”
21. “Crocs? Who hurt you so much in this life?”
22. “Damn. You clean up good.”
23. “Delete that immediately.”
24. “Did I just say that out loud?”
25. “Did I stutter?”
26. “Did you enjoy yourself last night?”
27. “Did you hear that?”
28. “Do you…well…I mean…I could give you a massage?”
29. “Do you ever stop eating?”
30. “Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up?”
31. “Do you ever think we should just stop this?”
32. Do you like me? Check yes or no.
33. “Do you need me to get anything from the store?”
34. “Do you think it’s possible that I…might be… pregnant?”
35. “Do you think she could have loved me?”
36. “Does he know about the baby?”
37. “Don’t fucking touch me!”
38. “Don’t say that. Not now.”
39. “Don’t say you love me.”
40. “Don’t you dare throw that snowba-, goddammit!”
41. “Don’t you ever do that again!”
42. “Either ask her out or I will do it for you!”
43. “Excuse me, I’m terribly lost. Can you help me?”
44. “Everyone deserves a second chance.”
45. “Everyone keeps telling me you’re the bad guy.”
46. “For some reason I’m attracted to you.”
47. “Frankly, I couldn’t care less.”
48. “Fuck…I feel I’ve been hit by a car.”
49. “Game’s over you son of a bitch! Tell me where she is!”
50. “Give me 5 bucks, I’ll explain later.”
51. “Go on then, tell me. Tell me you don’t love me.”
52. “Go then, leave! See if I care!”
53. “Guess who’s going to be a father?”
54. “H-How long have you been standing there?”
55. “Have I entered an alternate universe or did you really just crack a smile for me?”
56. “Have I ever lied to you?”
57. “Have you ever wanted to hate someone?”
58. “Have you lost your damn mind!?”
59. “He’s missing, not dead.”
60. “Hey! I was gonna eat that!”
61. “Hey, have you seen the..? Oh.”
62. “Hey, I’m with you, okay? Always.”
63. “His ego is so visible, I can almost watch it grow.”
64. “Hold me back!”
65. “Hold my hand dammit, we gotta make this look convincing!”
66. “How about we put the gun down and let’s talk about this?”
67. “How could anyone be that cruel?”
68. “How dare you!?”
69. “How long has it been?”
70. “I almost lost you.”
71. “I am not losing you again!”
72. “I beat you at Mario Kart and now you’re banishing me to the couch for the night?”
73. “I came here to explain what happened, and I’m not leaving until you listen.”
74. “I came home to a Nerf gun on the front porch and a note that says ‘Here is your weapon. I have one too. Loser cooks dinner. Good luck. xo’”
75. “I can manage on my own.”
76. “I can’t… I can’t lose you.”
77. “I can’t believe you talked me into this.”
78. “I can’t explain right now, but I need you to trust me.”
79. “I can’t get you out of my head.”
80. “I can’t let you do that.”
81. “I can’t start over again.”
82. “I can’t stop thinking about you.”
83. “I can’t swim!”
84. “I choose you.”
85. “I could never leave you, I love you too much!”
86. “I did a pregnancy test.”
87. “I didn’t ask for any of this!”
88. “I didn’t know you could cook.” “Oh, trust me I can’t.”
89. “I didn’t know you could sing.”
90. “I didn’t know you were so competitive.”
91. “I didn’t realize I needed your permission.”
92. “I didn’t think it was even possible for you to be so intelligent.”
93. “I don’t care what he said, it doesn’t mean jack squat.”
94. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”
95. “I don’t know why I’m crying.”
96. “I don’t snore, do I?” “Like a chainsaw.”
97. “I don’t want to have a baby.”
98. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
99. “I don’t want to let you down.”
100. “I got you a present.”
101. “I guess I was wrong about you. You’re not so bad after all.”
102. “I had a nightmare about you and just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
103. “I had to see you again.”
104. “I hate you!” “No you don’t.”
105. “I hope one day you’re as happy as you’re pretending to be.”
106. “I just need you to do this one thing for me.”
107. “I just really need to have you here right now.”
108. “I just want this.”
109. “I just want to be alone right now.”
110. “I just wanted you to know that when I picture myself happy… it’s with you.”
111. “I know, but… I love him. You can’t give up on a person you love.”
112. "I know, but he’s your partner for this.”
113. “I know that you have reached a decision, but given that it is a stupid ass decision I have elected to ignore it”
114. “I love you.” “I know.”
115. “I love you. I’ve loved you since the moment I first laid eyes on you and – Oh, screw it!”
116. “I love you a lot, but please stop trying to cook me dinner, you suck.”
117. “I love you for you, don’t you dare think otherwise!”
118. “I love you more than anything in this world… which is why you have to stay here.”
119. “I love you, you asshole.”
120. “I made a mistake.”
121. “I may be an idiot but I’m your idiot.”
122. “I may despise you with the burning white hot intensity of a thousand suns, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
123. “I may have… ripped my pants.”
124. “I miss her so damn much, and it’s killing me that she’s gone!”
125. “I need you to forgive me.”
126. “I never believed in soulmates until I met you.”
127. “I never learned how to whistle.”
128. “I never meant for anyone to get hurt!”
129. “I saw you staring at each other, I just wasn’t sure if it was sexual tension or murderous rage.”
130. "I see the way you look at me when you think I’m not looking.”
131. “I swear if you weren’t so attractive, I’d have punched you in the face nine times by now.”
132. “I swear it was an accident.”
133. “I swear it was like that when I found it!”
134. “I think I picked up your coffee by mistake.”
135. "I think I’m in love with you and that scares me to death.”
136. “I think we need to talk.”
137. “I think we should have another.”
138. “I think you’re just afraid to be happy.”
139. “I thought you were a dream come true.”
140. “I thought you were dead…”
141. “I trusted you!”
142. “I waited and waited, but you never came back.”
143. “I want my best friend back.”
144. “I want to go back to before….”
145. “I wasn’t going to wait around for you forever.”
146. “I wasn’t planning on asking you, but I’ve come to realize that life is short. Will you marry me?”
147. “I wish I could hate you.”
148. “I won’t give up if you won’t.”
149. “I won’t let you fall.”
150. “I-I can’t trust you anymore.”
151. “I’ll be right over.”
152. “I’ll sleep under the sheets, you sleep on top of them.”
153. "I’m flirting with you.”
154. “I’m freezing!”
155. “I’m laughing because you’re angry. I swear I didn’t do it!”
156. “I’m like 20% sure this plan will work. The other 80% means we could die horribly and violently, but honestly it’s a really solid plan.”
157. “I’m not good enough for you.”
158. “I’m not happy here.”
159. “I’m not surprised that you murdered him.”
160. “I’m not the only one who thinks that.”
161. “I’m only human!”
162. “I’m pregnant.”
163. “I’m sick of being USELESS.”
164. “I’m so happy you’re alive.”
165. “I’m so sorry! I will never doubt you again!”
166. “I’m so stupid to make the mistake of falling in love with my best friend.”
167. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
168. “I’m sorry, but I can’t trust you anymore.”
169. “I’m sorry if this upsets you, but I’m going to marry her.”
170. “I’m sorry, run that by me again.”
171. "I’m sorry, what were you saying? I keep getting lost in your eyes.”
172. “I’m starting an idiot jar. Any time you do or say anything idiotic, you have to put at least a dollar in it—more depending on how stupid the thing that you said or did was.”
173. “I’m tired of being your secret.”
174. “I’m up to the challenge.”
175. “I’m yours.”
176. “I’ve been in love with you my entire life.”
177. “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
178. “I’ve moved on.”
179. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before… and it scares the shit out of me.”
180. “I’ve seen the way you look at me when you think I can’t see you.”
181. “If he’s going to treat you like shit, I’m going to kick his ass.”
182. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were trying to seduce me.”
183. “If I die, I’m going to haunt your ass.”
184. “If I ever see you anywhere near her, you’ll have to deal with me!”
185. “If my parents knew what I was doing, they’d kill me.”
186. “If this is love, love is easy.”
187. “If you die, I’m gonna kill you.”
188. “If you don’t want to talk about what happened, then say so. Don’t just lie and say it’s fine.”
189. “If you keep looking at me like that we won’t make it to a bed.”
190. “If you shove cake in my face this will be the worst wedding night of your life.”
191. “IF YOU USE UP ALL THE HOT WATER ONE MORE TIME, I’M GOING TO BAN YOU TO THE COUCH FOR A MONTH.”
192. “If you walk out right now, it’s over for us.”
193. “If you walk out that door, you’re no longer one of us. You’ll be one of them and that means I’ll treat you like one of them.”
194. “Is… is that even possible? Like, can we do this?”
195. “Is… that my picture in your wallet/as your home screen?”
196. “Is it really you?”
197. “Is it supposed to look like that? Are you sure?”
198. “Is that a challenge?”
199. “Is that an apology?”
200. “Is that real?”
201. “Is that what I think it is?”
202. “Is that what you’re doing? Trying to make me to hate you?”
203. “Is there a problem?”
204. “Is there a special reason, as to why you’re wearing my shirt?”
205. “Is there something you want to tell me?”
206. “It could be worse.”
207. “It made a difference to me.”
208. “It must be hard with your sense of direction, never being able to find your way to a decent pickup line.”
209. “It was just a dream.”
210. “It wasn’t supposed to happen like that.”
211. “It’s a hobby of mine to prove you wrong.”
212. “It’s all your fault.”
213. “It’s been fun. We’ve had a good run, but you parked in my spot. I’m going to have to kill you now.”
214. “IT’S NOT COMING OFF!”
215. “It’s not what it looks like…”
216. “It’s okay, I’m here for you.”
217. “It’s okay to cry…”
218. “Just leave me ALONE.”
219. “Just talk to me!”
220. “Keep your head up.”
221. “Kiss me.”
222. “Let him go! It’s me you want.”
223. “Let me buy you a drink?”
224. “Let’s do something wild and crazy!”
225. “Look at me - just breathe, okay?”
226. “Look at that. I’ve never seen your face get so red.”
227. “Look, I don’t have much time, but I wanted to say I love you.”
228. “Looks like we’ll be trapped for a while…”
229. “Make a wish.”
230. “Marry me?”
231. “May I have this dance?”
232. “Meet me at midnight. Alone.”
233. “Meet me on the bridge in an hour.”
234. “Meet me on the roof in ten minutes.”
235. “Mind if I cut in?”
236. “My parents asked about you.”
237. “No! I’m tired of doing what you say!”
238. “No one needs to know.”
239. “No one will ever hurt you again.”
240. “None of this makes sense.”
241. “None of that matters now.”
242. “Not a day will go by that I won’t think of you.”
243. “Oh, my God! You’re in love with her!”
244. “Please don’t argue. You have to leave right now, you aren’t safe here.”
245. “Please don’t cry.”
246. “Please don’t do this.”
247. “Please, don’t give up on me.”
248. “Please, don’t leave.”
249. “Please listen to me-”
250. “Please say something.”
251. “Please, take me instead!”
252. “Promise me you won’t let anything happen to him.”
253. “Promise me you’ll stay.”
254. “Remember our first date? When you took me to Starbucks and it took me 15 minutes just to choose a flavour of Frappuccino? I was never sure about anything, never. But I was so fucking sure about you!”
255. “Run, and don’t ever look back.”
256. “She’s been missing since Friday and you’re not worried?”
257. “She’s missing, not dead.”
258. “Shit, are you bleeding?!”
259. “Shopping? Do I have to go?”
260. “Shut up and kiss me.”
261. “Since when do you drive a motorcycle?”
262. “So? It’s not your problem so butt out.”
263. “So, I found this waterfall…”
264. “So there was an accident…”
265. “Somebody’s in love!”
266. “Sorry, I thought I was alone…”
267. “Stop taking pictures! I’m fucking stuck. Be useful and help me!!”
268. “Stop talking about love for a minute and help me with this bullet wound.”
269. “Stop talking about the past, I could be dead in a matter of hours… make me up a future.”
270. “Teach me how to play?”
271. “Tell me a secret.”
272. “Tell me again why I let you convince me that this was even remotely a good idea.”
273. “That came out wrong.”
274. “That guy at the bar keeps staring at you.”
275. “That is not coming in this house!”
276. “That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!”
277. “The joke’s on them.”
278. “The paint’s supposed to go where?”
279. “The sign said not to push the button, so naturally I had to push it!”
280. “The skirt is supposed to be this short.”
281. “The three seconds rule doesn’t apply to sticky foods.”
282. “The way you flirt is shameful.”
283. “There are plenty of people out there who love you.” “Yeah, like who?” “Like me.”
284. “There’s no getting out of this. You ruined me.”
285. “There’s something I need to tell you.”
286. “Things don’t always turn out how they should.”
287. “This is… this is somewhere I never imagined I’d be.”
288. “This is by far the stupidest plan you’ve ever had. Of course I’m in.”
289. “This is so going on YouTube!”
290. “This isn’t just about you. It’s about what’s best for all of us.”
291. “Those things you said yesterday… Did you mean them?”
292. “Time’s up!”
293. “Twins? We’re…we’re having twins?!”
294. “W…Was that you making that noise?”
295. “Wait a minute. Are you jealous?”
296. “Wait, do you two know each other?”
297. “Wake up! Please, please wake up.”
298. “Walk it off!”
299. “Wanna bet?”
300. "Wanna dance?”
301. “We could be amazing!”
302. “We could’ve had it all.”
303. “We have to pretend to be married.”
304. “We missed our chance.”
305. “We’ll finish it the same way we started it…together.”
306. “We’re in the middle of a thunderstorm and you wanna stop and feel the rain?”
307. "Well….don’t keep me waiting”
308. “Well, this is awkward…”
309. “Well, this is where I live.”
310. “What are you afraid of?”
311. “What did I ever done to you?”
312. “What other hidden talents do you have?”
313. “What the hell are you doing here?! I told you I never wanted to see you again!”
314. “What the hell was that?!”
315. “What were you thinking?? Were you trying to get yourself killed?”
316. “When are you going to realize that I don’t care?”
317. “When I come back, that better be exactly where you found it!”
318. “When you love someone, you just don’t stop. Ever. Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy… even then. Especially then!”
319. “Where did that cat come from?”
320. “Where did you find this?”
321. “Where did you learn to dance?”
322. “Where were you? Do you have any idea how worried I was?”
323. “Who brought pot brownies to the bake sale?!”
324. “Who gave you that black eye?!”
325. “Who’s gonna stop me? You?”
326. “Why are you baking muffins at three in the morning?”
327. “Why are you covered in mud?”
328. “Why are you dressed like that?”
329. “Why are you lying?”
330. “Why are you up so early?”
331. “Why can’t they see that they’re meant for each other?”
332. “Why can’t you see what you’re doing to me?”
333. “Why choose me?”
334. “Why do I even bother?”
335. “Why don’t they just kiss already?”
336. “Why don’t you say that to my face?”
337. “Why wouldn’t you come to me with your problems?”
338. “Will you just shut up for a moment so I can say something nice to you!”
339. “Will you please just give me a hand?”
340. “You are nothing like them.”
341. “You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
342. “You better have a good reason for waking me up at the ass-crack of dawn.”
343. “You braided his hair?”
344. “You broke what?!”
345. “You came back!”
346. “You can trust me.”
347. “You can’t just sit on the sidelines your whole life!”
348. “You can’t leave me in the dark. You have to tell me these things.”
349. "You can’t protect me.”
350. “You deserve so much better.”
351. “You did all of this for me?”
352. “You did this for me?”
353. “YOU DID WHAT?!”
354. “You didn’t tell me it was karaoke night…”
355. “You don’t have to stay.”
356. “You don’t know you the way I do.”
357. “You don’t need to protect me.”
358. “You fainted…straight into my arms. You know, if you wanted my attention you didn’t have to go to such extremes.”
359. “You got her pregnant?! What were you thinking?”
360. “You had me at ‘free pizza!’”
361. “You have no idea what I’ve done for you.”
362. “You have the most amazing eyes.”
363. “You have to make a choice.”
364. “You have to remember!”
365. “You haven’t even touched your food. What’s going on?”
366. “You heard me. Take. It. Off.”
367. “You know I wouldn’t do this if I had any other choice.”
368. “You know my name?”
369. “You know, it hurt when I realized that you’re not in love with me. But nothing can compare to the pain I felt when I saw you fall in love with him…”
370. “You know, it’s okay to cry.”
371. “You lied to me!”
372. ″You look beautiful.”
373. “You make me feel like I’m not good enough.”
374. “You need to leave. Right now.”
375. “You need to let her go.”
376. “You need to wake up because I can’t do this without you.”
377. “You never told me you had a fucking twin.”
378. “You say the nastiest things when you’re angry, so yes, I’m walking away from you now.”
379. “You shouldn’t have even been there!”
380. “You walked away. Not me.”
381. “You weren’t supposed to hear that.”
382. “You’ll be the death of me.”
383. “You’re hiding something from me.”
384. “You’re my one exception.”
385. “You’re not alone.”
386. “You’re safe now. I’ve got you.”
387. “You’re the only one I trust to do this.”
388. “You’re too good for me.”
389. “You’ve got to be kidding me!”
390. “You’ve only heard his side of the story. You never asked mine.”

  • Alexander: Bad News- Washington locked the keys inside the building.
  • Alexander: Good News- We didn’t have to wait around for a locksmith.
  • Alexander: Bad News- Washington finds it very concerning that I know how to pick locks, and tried to unlock my Tragic Backstory™. I was too embarrassed to admit that the reason I learned was because, at thirteen, I figured that was the kind of skill that would impress cute boys.
  • Alexander: Good News- A cute boy saw me do it.
  • Alexander: Bad News- It was John, and since he’s already seen me fall out of several trees, cry because I saw a fawn that was just too damn small, and knows I can ride a unicycle, he’ll never think I’m cool no matter what I do. It’s too late. He knows.
check please characters as brooklyn nine nine quotes
  • bitty: my moomaw always said, "bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." fun fact: she made me cry a lot
  • jack: THIS IS TAKING TOO LONG! I'M GOING TO MISS THE FARMERS MARKET
  • lardo: i was thinking about how i'd make the perfect american president. based on my skill-set, artistic ability, and bloodlust
  • shitty: fine, i accept my fate. just take a picture of my penis first, for posterity, then do what you must
  • ransom: what's going on? is this a dream? no, i'm not holding a label maker
  • holster: okay, this is everyone i could think of who'd want to mess with my life. the lax bros, teams we've beaten, the guy who lived underneath me in dorms when i was learning the gangnam style dance
  • chowder: so what is this? casual? serious? i need to know how to make fun of you
  • nursey: sexy train is leaving the station. check out this caboose! later sluts
  • dex: nursey, is everything okay? you never text me. look, the last message i got from you was august 3rd, 2015. you wrote, "sup, chowder?" followed by "never mind"
A Target Retales PSA

Hey guys.

So I’ve got some bad news and I’ve got some good news. 

The bad news: I’m now on medical leave from work.

I’ve been struggling with some medical issues for years now, but they’ve been progressively getting worse and worse, and now I’m at a point where I just can’t be on my feet or just generally active for more than a few minutes at a time, let alone long enough to work a shift. 

Doctors have been struggling to figure out a diagnosis. So far all that we know is that it’s probably something neurological. I’ve got some tests this week that hopefully will shed some light on things, but honestly, I’m not overly optimistic. So until things get figured out and I can get some sort of treatment started, I’m on leave from work.

Which means no new retales for the time being.

The good news: This does not mean I’m out of content.

I’ve had a lot of projects I’ve been working on/wanting to work on for a while now, but between work and the physical/emotional toll that going through work, I haven’t been able to give them my full attention. Thankfully, being bedridden goes hand-in-hand with digital content in my case.

I’ve got a Target Retales podcast in the works! In fact, the first episode is going to be published later tonight!

I’ve got a YouTube channel! A lot of you are subscribed, but I’ve neglected it for the last couple of months. But now I’m back in action, posting at least once a week if not twice, and I’ve got some great plans for videos coming up!

I’ve got a couple other podcasts in the works! I’ve teased the one wherein I over-analyze pop media and expose the terrifying truths of fictional universes (Lightning McQueen is an abuser?), and I’m planning a scripted D&D comedy series!

And I’ve been teasing one huge project for months and months now, but I’ve had to put it off for a while with everything going on, but now I can finally buckle down and get to work on it, so I feel ready to let you guys in on the secret.

I’m working with an agency and writing a Target Retales book.

So even if I’m not releasing new stories, there’s still a TON of content coming, both Retales-related and not!

Wanna help me out?

There is, of course, the catch. While I’m super excited to be able to work on all of my projects, I’m now not able to work at work, which is, you know, how money is made.

I’m not in any sort of financial crisis, so I won’t be asking for donations or anything, but if you like my content and would like to support me, this would be a great time to check out my Patreon. I’m going to be adding some new perks and changing things up in the near future, but I can guarantee there will be all sorts of fun things in store if you decide to help me out here. In fact, any current Patrons or new Patrons who join by the end of the month will receive a hand-written letter from me, including unreleased Retales and a few stickers.

In Summary:

I’m taking medical leave from work, no new Retales will be released but all sorts of projects are still in the works, including a podcast and a book, and I’m offering a cool bonus if you support me during this rough patch on my Patreon.

Thank you all so much for all the support you’ve shown me since the start. I wouldn’t be where I am without you and I hope you enjoy the content I continue to make.

2

hey guys, i’m still alive!!!!! 😆🙌i have both good and bad news. during i’m disappered, i’ve got a new job and really tried because i must work until midnight every single day. that’s why i don’t have new artworks much.

anyway, i have plan for fob 16 candles au comic project and i will publish to bandom alternative event called “sound check” which held in my country (this my cut out pic in that event). And more better news …. Thank you for 2k followers i will giveaway prizes after ending event as my comic, keychains, stickers, and couple postcard sets to my followers as gifts…. plz be patient for meeee💜💕

Suzy of the House Miller Announcement

Due to some personal desicions I have thought about for a while, I will be changing how I post on here. As of now, I am actively trying to complete a manuscript for “Suzy of the House Miller” to get it published (either through a publisher or self-published). 

The Good News: 

You can expect to see ‘Suzy of the House Miller’ as a full published story (release date still unknown, will post updates if new developments arise). It might have a name change and probably will have a different cover, but it’ll be Suzy and Cuddles.

The Bad News: 

I’ll be posting installments of it here less often. I’ll still post them from time to time, but I want a lot of the final published story to be previously unreleased, so readers can have more to look forward too. 

Other things I’ll still post:

- Story overviews

- Worldbuilding

- OC profiles

- Ask answers

- Other works that I have already written/ ar ein progress (most of my focus will be on Suzy, but I still have a decent amount of unreleased content).


I know most of you only care about ‘Suzy of the House Miller’ and probably don’t like this decision, but I hope you’ll respect my decision and possibly take an interest in my other works.

-Egg

  • Lily: I have good news and bad news.
  • Rose: Tell me the bad news first.
  • Lily: There's a rumor going around that you snogged Scorpius, and it's spreading throughout the entire school.
  • Rose: What?! Okay, what's the good news?
  • Lily: I know the rumor is true because I saw you two yesterday.
  • Rose:
  • Lily: Also I might be the reason why everyone knows about it.
  • Rose: I am going to kill you.
good things about episode 64:

- magnus learning woodcarving because you do it with weapons
- Professor Kristoff: “attack the wood”
- the first thing magnus carves is a DUCK
- merle learning interpretive jazz dancing
- him subsequently getting so good at it that he gets to be a professor
- just merle’s whole stepchart description
- “PAN- DEMONIUM” CLINT!!!! that’s such an amazing name for it!!!!
- taako “stealing” quotes and reattributing them to himself as his contribution to the “light of creation”
- taako about after every quote: “that used to be [insert fantasy celebrity], but now it’s taako”
- “taako time: a book of inspirational aphorisms for the independent soul”
- awwww poor magnus… being embarrassed of his duck:((( 
- “it’s not perfect, but it’s the best i can do” MAGNUUUUUUS:(
- PROFESSOR merle putting everything into his performance and making everyone horny
- the audience applauding hornily
-
davenport singing an 18 minute song
- lucretia submitting a painting of their original home (/the IPRE headquarters)
- taako’s presentation: dropping it off and just saying “you’re welcome” 
- lup and barry
- LUP AND BARRY
- L U P  A N D  B A R R Y
- them playing a duet together and being in love and being super cute
- griffin’s description of  love and lup and barry’s love and his whole “speech” is just really beautiful
- “lup grew furiously in arcane power” YEEES THAT’S MY GIRL!!!!
- “they take each others hand high in the air […]
and barry and lup laugh and they don’t let each others hands go
and then they stop laughing and they don’t let each others hands go
and they keep not letting go “ AWWWW  
- yes justin, you’re right, we’re all very sorry that we didn’t get to hear griffin’s romance scene with himself that would’ve been so hilarious omg
- clint losing his shit because of “that’d be the audio equivalent of wrapping your arms around yourself to make it look like you’re making out with someone” 
- lup: “ can i blow up the mountain? i mean YEAH” 
- magnus meeting the voidfish for the first time 
- MAGNUS RUSHES IN(to the cave)
- the baby voidfish being all cute and wanting more ducks from magnus
- “SEND MORE DUCKS”
- “hi i’m taako from tv-”  (hasn’t been on tv yet)  “- and you’re wanged. you’re all pretty much in a bad way pretty badly. and there’s good news and bad news: the bad news i’ve covered pretty exhaustively with the fuckedness that you are. the good news is that you have a shot, […] and normally we don’t enlist people but here’s something i know about you all: you currently have the most inspirational shit mankind, and by mankind i mean me, has ever written in your heads held simultaneously. you motherfuckers believe in yourselves probably more than any group that’s ever been assembled in all of human history. correct? “
(i had to include this whole thing bc if this is not the most inspirational shit idk what is) 
- the baby voidfish getting lucretia “too close to the edge in seaworld-” wet
- lucretia illustrates and tries to understand the voidfish while magnus is playing ducks with the baby
- MAGNUS MANAGING TO EVACUATE AND SAVE THE BABY VOIDFISH 
- magnus visiting it and bringing it new carvings even after it’s put in a tank in lucretia’s room

Communicating With Deities


How do I communicate with my deity?

How do I know if a deity is trying to reach me?

How can I tell if my deity accepted my offering?

How can I receive messages from my deity?

The topic of communicating with deities is the question I get asked the most so I figured it was time to give it its own post. Especially because this question doesn’t have an easy answer.  It’s not as simple as learning to give an offering or how to devote yourself to a deity. There’s no step by step, made for everyone and every deity, guide to communicating. Its ultimately something you have to figure out yourself, though I can offer some help in ways to go about figuring it out. But first I want to clear some things up about communication with deities. I feel there are a lot of misconceptions that surround it and I also need to explain WHY it’s a topic I can’t give you an easy answer to. So let’s get to that!

  1. Faith- So I’ll admit that the obsession that a lot of people have with communicating with their deities confuses me. When I started I didn’t really think much of the hows of interacting with Aphrodite because I, just like with any other religion, assumed that I had to have faith that Aphrodite was listening. I feel like a lot of people are missing that, like being a Hellenic Polytheist means you have constant, consistent, and direct messages from the gods, but that’s not the case. Faith is still an element and honestly it remains an element even when you have been devoted for years. You’re not always going to get confirmations on things you do or ask, actually most of the time you don’t. You just have to have faith they are there and listening
  2. Tumblr - This point is directly related to the first point. I believe that a lot of the misconceptions of communicating with deities and even the obsession with it has a lot to do with our community here on tumblr. I’m not here to accuse anyone or point any blame. I’m not even saying that people are lying or exaggerating. I just think because of everyone sharing their wonderful experiences it’s creating an image of communicating being a natural part of a devotee’s everyday life with their deity. I mean maybe it is for some, but not all. Honestly, a lot of what you are looking at on tumblr are snapshots of worship. Maybe that devotee received an AMAZING sign or message from their deity but perhaps that was the first one in a few months. The truth is, just like with most aspects of our lives, we like to share the fantastic on social media, so don’t take everything you read as the “normal” or the “standard” of devotion. The truth is there really isn’t one and definitely not one for communicating with deities.
  3. Skills - It’s important to keep in mind that communicating with deities can be seen as a skill. And just like with any skill there are those who are “naturally gifted” and others who have to practice practice practice in order to see any results. This is also a reason why you shouldn’t look to others’ experiences as the way it works for everyone. They could be one of those naturally gifted people who are just born tuned into the god frequency or they could also have been practicing and doing a lot of work to get the point where it’s easier to receive messages. So those of you starting out shouldn’t automatically think you will begin getting signs and messages right away, it most likely will be something you have to work towards.
  4. Deities Communicate Differently - A big reason it’s nearly impossible to say how or if a deity is communicating with you is because they do it in different ways. The way Aphrodite and me communicate may not be the same way she communicates with another devotee. A lot of it depends on the devotee. We each have a way of communicating that we will be more receptive to, whether you know it or not. Your deity might know that and choose to use that form, even if you haven’t exactly figured that out yet (fun, right? lol). A deity also may choose a way to communicate depending on the message they are trying to send you. They could also pick a way simply because they find it amusing and/or ironic (i’m looking at you, Hermes). It’s really hard for someone on the outside to tell you for sure how your deity is going to interact with you specifically. I can’t speak for the gods and I can’t speak on your personal relationship with them. Again, it’s something you have to journey through and find answers to yourself.

Now that the bad news is over with, how about I give you some good news? As I said above, I can give you some advice/tips on ways you can figure out how to communicate with your deity yourself. Remember this is a process, a journey, it’s not a faucet. Doing one of these things isn’t going to automatically start the flowing of messages. Just keep that in mind! Now onto the list!

  • Divination - Probably the most popular form of communication with deities is using some form of divination. There’s A LOT to choose from so do your research and see what calls out to you and give it a try! Some examples are tarot, oracle, runes, pendulum, scrying, bibliomancy, shufflemancy, just to name a few.
  • Meditation - I strongly recommend everyone try meditation because there’s a ton of benefits to it and one of those benefits is connecting with your deities. Not only can you receive messages and signs while mediating, the act itself opens you up to be more receptive in your everyday life!
  • Astral Travel - This is another popular method used to communicate with deities. Many people talk about not only receiving messages from their deities, but also full on interaction with them. Make sure you do your research before attempting it! It also may help to practice meditation first.
  • Dreams - Okay so this is one of the easier ones on the list to do. Basically start recording your dreams and see if you notice anything either popping out at you or that’s repeating. Sometimes your deity may just simple show up like “hey, what’s going on? You dreamin?” but other times they aren’t that obvious (why would they make it easy on us?). Recording your dreams is a great way to notice patterns because sometimes it can take multiple dreams to get a message. This applies to the universe as well. Like it took me a good chunk of my life to realize that when the universe wants me to pay attention it throws an abundance of something in my dream, where I’ll be like “shit thats a lot of elephants!” and then another dream years later “What is with all these fucking spiders!?”. Keeping a dream journal makes it easier to notice things like that. You can also ask your deity to appear in your dreams if you so choose (of course whether they do or not is up to them). Also if you’re into it you can use herbs and stones to better receive messages in your dreams and to remember them when you wake up.
  • Journaling - Anyone who has been a follower of me for awhile can probably tell you that my answer for most things is “Keep a Journal” and they are probably eyerolling me right now, lol! But I really believe in the benefits of journaling because they are abundant! I won’t go into all of them because we are talking about communicating with deities and damn it I WILL stay on topic! Just like recording your dreams, recording your waking life can help you spot patterns and possible signs that you might miss otherwise. If you’re like me and interact a lot with your deity through emotions and feelings, journaling is truly wonderful! You can start making connections between actions and your emotions that could help you better understand your deity. I also recommend doing this even if you choose to do one of the other ideas listed above. Recording your progress and your emotions is great for looking back on and seeing how far you come especially in those moments when you feel like you haven’t done much. So yeah, everyone keep a journal!
  • Open Yourself - So those of you who are witches don’t really need much explanation on this and honestly you might have already started on this one, but for the sake of those who might not know let me explain. There are different ways you can better open yourself up so receiving messages can be easier. Using certain stones, burning certain herbs/incense, using oils, casting spells, doing rituals, etc. There’s a lot you can do to help open yourself up to the universe! And these aid a lot in the techniques above!
  • Talk To Others - I know what you’re thinking “Wait, didn’t you say that looking at what someone else does is part of the problem?” Yes, i did, but it can also be helpful as long as you find the balance! Seeing how other devotees of your deity interact with them can at least give you ideas and a direction to go in. The key is not to compare and to not see their devotion as the “one true way”. Think of it more as a brainstorming session!

I just want to add that this post is my own personal opinion and personal reasons why I feel I can’t answer questions of this topic. I hope this post was helpful to those of you who took the time to read it!

Meme credit goes to my hilarious, wonderful and talented wifey @nerdywitchmomma