'enough notes that i feel like the post matters'

Chapter Three

║ch1║ ║ch2║║ch4║║ch5║

Mystic Messenger High School AU

Word Count: 1,276

⇨This chapter is from Saerans POV! This gets angsty, guys. Gotta set up that conflict, ya know?

Authors Note: Welcome to who’s fic is it anyway where the update schedule is made up and the word count doesn’t matter. I’m sorry guys I feel like George RR Martin when you’re all hoping I post more before I die. I’m sorry this has been so slow I’ll try and be better!

     Saeran grumbled and rolled around in his bed, kicking the notebook off angrily with his foot. At least he tried to study, right? He held his phone up above his face. The truth was he had spent all day periodically staring at the chatroom trying to summon enough courage to type, and because of that he found it impossible to focus on his assignments.

     The clock was winding down and taking his chances with it, it was already heading into the evening hours. He groaned, ruffling the thick hair on his head in frustration. There had been several people interested in him over the years, that’s true, but no one had ever caught his attention like this before. He was lost on what to do.

     “Just do it already, you dumb ass. What are you hesitating for?” he whispered to himself, hoping Saeyoung didn’t hear him from the other room.

You: I know, his lecture was brutal!
Yoosung: Right?! T_T
You: My hand was cramping from the notes
Yoosung: Maybe we can study together?!
*Unknown has entered the chat*
Zen: Getting bold now, boy?
You: What?
Yoosung: Don’t listen to him -_-
707: Lololol
Unknown: Hey
Yoosung: Saeran, hi!
707: Brother!
You: Hello, Saeran!
Unknown: What’s up, ___. I was actually wondering
Unknown: About what we talked about the other day?
You: Oh?
Yoosung: You guys talked??
Unknown: Were you still down?
Unknown: I could meet you outside in like 5…
Yoosung: I’m wondering, too…
You: It’s for art guys lol
You: Sure! I’ll be out soon! ^^
*___ had left the chat*
*Unknown has left the chat*

      Saeran let out the breath he had been holding in. She said yes. Oh, that meant he needed to get going. He grabbed his sketchbook and utensils, stopping in front of the mirror to mess with his hair and check himself out. His twins body perched itself on the door frame out of nowhere, that smug look on his face.

     “You look adowableee,” Saeyoung pretended to pinch his cheeks.

     “Don’t touch me, freak,” Saeran huffed and smacked his hand away, stepping out to head towards the front door.

     “Have her home before 11!” Saeyoung called out before the door slammed.
He saw you sitting on the curb, waiting. For him. You were staring up at the sky, probably because the sun was setting soon. The colors were beginning to reflect on the clouds.

     He cleared his throat to catch your attention, only a few feet away now.

     “Oh, hey,” you turned to him with a smile before standing up with your book in hand.

     You were wearing some shorts and a black t-shirt, plain white sneakers on your feet. You could have just rolled out of bed, but he thought you were beautiful. That effortless sort of beauty that appealed to him the most. Awkwardly he shoved a hand into his jacket pocket, trying his best to be nonchalant.

     “Ready to go?” he asked. 

      “You weren’t kidding, it’s beautiful here,” you sat down and opened your book.

     “It’s my favorite place,” he sat down next to you, “I come here a lot to think and draw.”

     “Does Saeyoung come with you?”

     “No. He’s usually too busy working or at church, plus he can’t draw for shit,” he remarked while opening his book beside you. 

     “Do you work, Saeran?”

     “Nah. Saeyoung works a lot so I don’t have to. He says he just wants me to focus on my art and studies,” he shrugged.

     “Your brother…he’s a great guy, isn’t he,” you remarked cooly.

     Why is she talking about that idiot? He wanted to brush it off as nothing, but the way you said his name and the tone of your voice left a sour taste in his mouth. In a way, he was glad. The anger brought back his confidence. He just needed you to focus on him and the present for a little bit.

     Placing his pencil and pad down he shuffled himself behind you, snaking his right arm along yours and grabbing your drawing hand into his own. Right then he knew he wouldn’t be able to get the fragrance of your hair out of his mind for the next few days.


     “Your stokes. They’re too short and choppy. Long, solid lines are better. Look,” he moved your hand on the page, drawing smooth lines with ease and sketching the landscape with you, “see?”

     “Oh,” you nodded, “I see. You’re really good, Saeran.”

     “So are you. If you really enjoy this, we can keep coming here together…”

     “Okay, it’s better than being at home, anyway,” you confessed.

     “That bad, huh? My mom’s a real piece of work, herself. I know we aren’t super close or anything yet. And I know you hate talking about it. But if you ever need anything…just call or text me, ok?”

     “Thanks, I will,” you nodded.

     He couldn’t blame you for not wanting to open up about it. He had the same dark feelings about his own situation. This was the first time he had been on the other side of something like this, and it didn’t make him feel any better. He was fighting the urge to wrap his arms around you. To kiss your ear. And yet he still wanted to remain close behind you.

     “Well,” he continued, trying to change the subject, “keep drawing. I’ll just watch for now.”

     And he did. Until it was too dark to see the pad properly. He couldn’t remember the last time he smiled so much, and he even made you laugh a few times. He draped his jacket over you on the walk home, since you looked cold. He thought that was shit that only happened in movies.

     “Thanks,” you handed his jacket back as you approached your driveway, “you’re really nice.”

     “No big deal,” he shrugged.

     “See you at school tomorrow?”

     “Ya, see ya,” he watched until you were completely inside.

     His own house was dark and quiet when he entered. He threw his jacket on the couch, only to be startled by a figure rising from it in the darkness.

     “Hey, what the hell,” Saeyoung threw the jacket from his face as he sat up.

     “You scared the shit out of me,” Saeran yelled, “what are you doing sitting here in the dark you freak?”

     “Shh, you’ll wake up mom,” he whispered, “coming home pretty late, huh? How’d it go?”

     Anyone else would disregard his question as innocent. But they were twins. Saeran could see that hint of concern in Saeyoung’s eyes. Underneath that casual demeanor, Saeran knew his brothers stomach was probably in knots right now. Why else would he have sat up waiting for him to come home.

     He remembered the way you talked about Saeyoung and his eyes narrowed towards his twin. Saeyoung. The one who got to hold a job. The one who got to rely on his faith. The one who got most of their mothers attention, rare and shitty as it was. The one who made everything look easy by just laughing things off. He was tired of Saeyoung getting everything.

     “Cut the shit,” Saeran snapped.

     “Huh? What’s gotten into you?” Saeyoung laughed in response.

     “I’m not fucking around, Saeyoung,” his words were cold.

     The smile left his brothers face. They were now standing in the dark, staring each other down in the quiet living room.

     “I’ll warn you this once, since you’re my brother. Stay away,” he took a few steps towards his room, “I won’t let you have her.” And with that he closed the door behind him, leaving Saeyoung standing in the dark alone.

Antisemitism in Shadowhunters fandom.

Pretty scary headline right?

But unfortunately it’s true. And it’s not a new thing- this was going on around the fandom even before the show, and before the movie. It always existed, but I’ve barely seen anyone talking about it. So, with the increasing anti Semitic events lately, I’ve decided it’s time to write this. First of all, Simon Lewis is Jewish. Some of you tend to forget that. Whether you headcanon him as Christian, write in your fanfictions about how much he’s excited about his family celebrating Christmas, or just ignoring his Judaism at all. Being Jewish is an unseparated part of his identity. You can’t just just ignore this. Simon Lewis is Jewish and it affects his life in a way maybe some of you don’t think of- his family has certain traditions, customs (for example- they celebrate Pesach, as Simon mentioned in the show, he celebrated his Bar Mitzva and he was buried in a Jewish cemetery with his Talit. All of those are traditional symbols that affect Simon’s way of living.) and they probably faced some sort of discrimination based upon their religion. Besides the tradition, which is a big part of who Simon is- there’s also the struggle and the burden of the hate his people and, most likely he himself, experienced. Let’s not also forget Simon is a PoC, and that is a big part of the identity as well.

There are a lot of inappropriate jokes going around here. Whether it’s calling Simon a “Jew”, or just laughing about Jewish food, traditions, Simon’s appearance and private parts.  Besides being disrespectful- it’s completely unacceptable. In that way, you’re generalizing Jewish people to a object for laughter, which is an anti Semitic act. And, I’m not even going to talk about the fact that these jokes are based upon the race theory- which I shouldn’t remind you why it’s anti Semitic, should I? Also, don’t make Simon joke about those matters as well. It’s not your place at all.

I also feel like people in the fandom itself avoiding this matter. Every time someone writes a post about it (which, as I mentioned, is too rare), those posts get not enough notes. Sadly to say that they barely pass 10 notes. And I know that people see this, they just don’t care, I want to believe they do. I really want to.

So, to sum up- this is a very important subject and I think that the current situation should change. Please do the maximum effort you can in order to keep Simon’s religion a part of his personality. You can use the guide I’ve written for help in matters you don’t understand, or you can always ask me. After tons of bad and offensive representation of Jewish people in the media, we’ve got Simon. Please don’t ruin that. 

Cause it hurts. It really hurts.

ML Angst Week: Day Two/ Our Little Secret

Notes: Super sorry for the delay. I had to study for an exam. :(

“Adrien! Over here!” whisper-shouted Marinette as she waved at her boyfriend with a grin. Adrien grinned back at her and rushed to the small picnic set up Marinette had prepared underneath a large tree. As soon as he got there, he tackled the girl in a tight and she didn’t hesitate to hug him back. Few minutes later, the two pulled apart as they smiled softly at each other and gazed lovingly at the other’s eyes.

“By the way, how did find this place?” asked Adrien after a few seconds.

Marinette giggled and answered, “Alya and I hung out together a few days ago and we stumbled upon this gorgeous park and when Alya went to get ice cream, I suddenly saw this beautiful place and, here we are now!”

“It really is beautiful but of course not as beautiful as you m’lady.” Adrien shot her a wink and grinned like the cat that ate the canary.

Marinette only rolled her eyes as she grabbed his hand and pulled him to the blanket. “Let’s just sit, okay?” she said with a fond smile. The two of them sat down next to each other with their fingers still interlocked. Just as soon as Marinette rested her head on his shoulder, their kwamis, Tikki and Plagg flew out of their hiding places and went somewhere away from their holders to talk to each other.

Adrien sighed and glanced at her girlfriend before he spoke up, “I wish we didn’t have to do this. Sometimes I feel like I’m… lying to everyone. Our family, friends, people of Paris… everyone!”

Marinette lifted her head and looked at him with sad eyes. “I do too. It’s really sad to see my parents talk of you with so much enthusiasm but the only thing I can do is try to not yell out that the boy you love so much is actually my boyfriend. It’s even more painful to go to school and see Alya do everything she can do to set up a date for the two of us when we already went to many without our friends knowing. And the people of Paris…it gets harder and harder to deny the fact that we’re together,” she said with sadness. Then, she looked at him and smiled softly as she continued, “But… the only other way is if we break up and of course I don’t wanna do that. Adrien, I love you.”

“I love you too Marinette,” he said with a loving smile to her. “And I understand that we do all this just so we can keep the people around us safe and sound. It’s just… sometimes it gets too much. I just wanna hug you and hold you without worrying about people seeing me and tell the world that you’re mine!” exclaimed Adrien with a sad sigh.

Marinette’s cheeks flushed pink when she heard his words. She smiled softly as she planted a small kiss on his lips before she said, “I want that too Adrien but you know the conditions. I guess what we need to do is hurry up and end this mess.”

“You’re right. You’re always right,” answered Adrien with a soft smile. The two of them closed the distance and shared a sweet kiss.

It was a few minutes before the start of the class when Marinette entered the room with a smile. Her friends who were talking before she came in stopped to greet her. She greeted them back and was about to sit down when a voice she knew all too well spoke, “Hello Marinette!”

Marinette froze in her place and turned to the boy with a shy smile. “H-hello A-Adrien,” she managed to say. The boy grinned at her and watched her as she sat down and started talking to Alya. A few seconds later when neither of their friends were paying attention, they lifted their heads and locked gazes.

The promise on Adrien’s eyes brought a strong surge of affection in Marinette’s heart. On the other side, Adrien wanted to do nothing but hug the girl he was staring. Simply hug her and hold her. But he could do nothing but relish in the promise in her eyes. He didn’t speak a word as he turned away from her and started another day of keeping their small secret. The promise they gave each other was enough to urge them to keep this up no matter what happened.

‘We’ll do this. We’ll do this together. For our parents, friends and the people we love. We give up our happiness to keep them safe…’

Notes: I hope I did a better job with this fic. I can’t help but feel like the one I wrote for day one wasn’t good at all. Please, please tell me what you think of this. :)

I feel like I have to apologize to JRRT every time I post one of these things but guys, guys, you know the bit in the Lay of Leithian where Sauron is trying to figure out the names and quests of his captives — look, I will let Chris Tolkien say it,

The name Dungalef (2121), though it sounds Orcish enough, was an oddly transparent device, since Felagund had just been mentioned; but it succeeded (2217). No doubt [Sauron]’s ponderings on the matter were too subtle.

Please note that Beren is giving his name as Nereb right now.

Because of you ☁

Title: Because of you

Pairing: Hanbin x Reader

Genre: Angst, Romance

Length: ~1000

A/N: it’s based on this song, you should listen to it while reading. I know i was supposed to update broken heart but i don’t know i was in the mood to write something like this. and since it’s his birthday, here ya go. happy birthday, hanbin ♥♥ -admin moyo

I cried a lot because of you

It was heavily raining that day when Hanbin looked at you with that forced smile. His eyes were shaking but he held your gaze to cover the pain that was about to come for a few more seconds. You still don’t know why he did that. It wasn’t like it hurt him… right? The sky was so dark, just like the circles underneath his eyes. Why did he look so sad when he was about to crush down your world and not his?

“Let’s break up”, the words finally left his mouth. He was smiling, as if that would make anything better. You finally felt the cold raindrops connecting with your skin but compared to his words they seemed comforting. They mixed with the tears that didn’t seem to stop coming out of your eyes. “Okay”, you smiled back. He looked so breathtakingly beautiful even now. You couldn’t scream, couldn’t stop him, couldn’t object to the words that just hit you like a sharp knife to destroy you from inside, causing your whole body to shake. Your heart felt numb.

Only the view in front of it could wake it up a little. His dark brown messy hair that was all over his head, hanging down, water dripping from the tips. His brown eyes, those eyes that had whispered to you the quite i love yous that he couldn’t say out loud. How come they were screaming it still, were you imagining it? It was only for a few more seconds, even though it felt like a long painful period of time when he stood in front of you, watching you break down from inside but not doing anything, before Hanbin turned around and ran away.

“Let’s break up” yeah, Hanbin, let’s break up. You cried along with the sky, you didn’t know if it was because of you or just coincidence that the clouds seemed to darken, the wind shaking the world awake and the rain getting heavier with each moment. You felt cold. But it was a relief. Because it was the only sign of you being still alive despite the pain that was going through each part of your body.

I laughed a lot because of you

Every time you woke up, you met the pair of eyes that were looking at you so lovingly, making you want to turn around and hide under your blanket because it was making your heart jump in response. “Are you so in love with me?”, you’d always ask him, “Yeah”, he had always answered to put a perfectly shaped smile on your lips.

On days where you didn’t have the time to make food simply because of work, you looked into your bag just because, to meet the little lunchbox with a note. I know you have a lot to do but don’t forget to eat!^^, it said with his messy handwriting. You opened it to meet the crooked kimbap rolls that were about to fall apart. Yeah, he surely wasn’t the best cook, but it was enough to make you smile. They tasted.. special. Just like he would always do them and that was how you loved them the most.

When he was working and didn’t come home for days, he didn’t make it feel like he had completely forgotten about you. Whenever you entered the apartment you saw a whole lot of post-it notes all over the place, you knew he was busy and couldn’t make it. Yet, you didn’t mind. His notes were enough to make it feel like he was there. Don’t forget to drink the milk, it’ll help you grow!! or I’m thinking of you right now, you should do too while taking a rest on our couch or you better not slip in the shower again while i am not there, okay? >.<. You didn’t know which of them were you favorites. Maybe all of them. But it didn’t matter, what mattered was the happiness that placed itself in the pit of your stomach.

The absolute most enjoyable time though, was when you sat on the cliff, the waves hitting the rocks from time to time, the whales singing from the distance and the damp, salty air that wrapped around you two. All you did was talk. Talk and laugh. Whether it was serious or sad, you two always ended up laughing about the most stupid things. Just because… just because you were so happy about being together.

I believed in the love because of you

You never thought that you’d experience this kind of love. A kind of love that made you believe you could fly and do everything in this world. A kind of love that grew each day, higher and higher, to bloom like a beautiful flower. You thought all of this only existed in the most cliche books or movies.

But Kim Hanbin made you believe, believe that love existed.

I’ve lost everything because of you

In the end, all of this, all of the happy memories you had shared and promises you had made, every moment of laughter and faith in love, vanished. Just like that, from one moment to another, it was all gone. 

He was gone. 

He took everything, your happiness, your smile, even your love, he took it all and threw it away. Kim Hanbin took it all and left you empty handed.

“Let’s break up”, 3 words that had left his mouth easier than his secret confessions.

“Yeah, let’s break up”, you answer after all this time, before moving a step forward to meet nothing but air. You’re falling down, and it feels so good. You can’t fly, you realize, even if you love, you can’t. You can only fall and if there is no one to catch you then you already lost.

Skam fic week day 2: The Mattress

Words: 1612

Pairing: Nooreva

Prompt: bed sharing

Summary: She’s not sure when, exactly, she realized that she likes Eva. Maybe she knew way back when they first met, subconsciously. Looking back now she definitely feels like there was a reason she approached Eva in the first place, a reason beyond the whole slut incident. It doesn’t really matter, though. She kind of enjoys these feelings, and that’s all she needs to think about.

Or, Noora has a huge crush on Eva and Chris doesn’t own enough mattresses.

Notes: Written for the day 2 prompt of Skam fic week: bed sharing. I’m posting this a day late because I’m bad at fic challenges and started writing this waayy to late. I’m also not very happy with it. But here it is anyway!

I’d like to thank my lovely betas for giving me my motivation back, and also the Skamfiction chat on Discord for being incredibly nice and supportive<3

Read on AO3


There’s only one spare mattress.

“I’m sorry,” Chris says, and she actually does look sorry. “I thought there would be more. My mum must have thrown some of the old ones out.”

The five of them are in Chris’ living room, observing the single, sorry mattress on the floor in the middle of their circle. It’s a pretty big mattress, at least; not big enough to fit a king sized bed, but big enough for two people to share. That’s honestly all Noora is capable of thinking of the situation right now, because it’s three in the fucking morning and she’s so tired she might actually fall asleep on the spot. Sleepovers with the girls are great, really, and there’s literally nothing that could possibly happen during one that isn’t worth not having to put up with Eskild bringing guys home every other night. But the rest of the girls are much bigger fans of staying up until late at night than she is, and they always end up getting her into situations like this one; having a conversation at 3 AM that she definitely would have preferred to have much earlier in the evening.

“Oh, that’s fine!” Vilde says, being the enthusiastic one as always. “We can always share.”

“Well, I’ll take the couch,” Sana smiles dismissively, turning around and walking over to the couch a few feet away. She immediately starts making herself comfortable on the couch, and honestly, none of them is really in the mood for arguing. Besides, a tired Sana isn’t something any of them is very keen on dealing with.

“Alright, does anybody feel like sharing my bed with me?” Chris sighs.

“Can I?” Vilde asks. “Or, well, I mean, if anybody else wants to…”

“No, no, no, you take it, Vilde,” Noora reassures her. “We’re fine.”

Vilde smiles. “Oh, okay. Thank you! So, you’ll share the mattress with Eva, then.” And without further ado she leaves the living room, quickly followed by Chris, and suddenly Noora is wide awake, realizing what situation she’s ended up in.

She really hopes she’s not blushing.

She turns to Eva, whose eyes are darting between the mattress on the floor and Noora. She almost looks nervous, and a little voice in the back of Noora’s head happily wonders if this could mean what she wants it to mean, but she shakes it off. She’s being ridiculous.

“So, uh…” Eva smiles slightly. “Should we brush our teeth or get the blankets first?”

“Uh, well, I’m really tired, so… I’d rather get to the bathroom before the others do,” Noora says, fidgeting with her hands.

“Okay!” Eva’s smile grows. “Well, uh… I’m gonna go get my toothbrush, then.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Eva nods awkwardly, and Noora realizes that this is a bit of a strange situation for both of them. They’ve done lots and lots of different things together, shared the most intimate aspects of their lives with each other. But they’ve never shared a bed.

Or a mattress. Whatever.

But it shouldn’t be this awkward, right? They’re friends, and while they’ve only known each other for a few months they’re closer than Noora has ever been to anybody else. Sure, Noora isn’t the kind of person who enjoys physical intimacy beyond hugs that much, and Eva knows that. But it shouldn’t be this much of a problem.

The hopeful voice in the back of her mind speaks up again, unable to let go of the fact that Eva is maybe, possibly nervous. And once again, Noora pushes it away.

Then Eva leaves the room, and Noora sighs, going to get her own toothbrush.

She’s not sure when, exactly, she realized that she likes Eva. Maybe she knew way back when they first met, subconsciously. Looking back now she definitely feels like there was a reason she approached Eva in the first place, a reason beyond the whole slut incident. It doesn’t really matter, though. She kind of enjoys these feelings, and that’s all she needs to think about.

The only negative aspect of it is being almost entirely certain that Eva doesn’t like her back. Eva likes guys. And besides, she’s never done or said anything that could possibly mean she wants them to be anything but friends.

Then there’s the obvious consequence of knowing that; the fact that Noora constantly has to deal with Eva’s attractiveness without being able to deal with it in any way. Which is difficult, because pretty much everything Eva does is attractive.

Even brushing her teeth.

They’re standing next to each other in front of the bathroom mirror, brushing their teeth, and Noora tries not to stare at Eva too much. It’s a very familiar struggle, and it’s actually pretty entertaining. Agonizing, yes, but still funny.

Her phone buzzes in her pocket, interrupting her reflections. She puts the toothbrush on the sink and opens the text.

It’s from William.

You looked good today. Miss you.

It makes her want to scream out loud. Not because of the texting itself, but because she’s actually having a good night, and William’s texts bring a lot of emotion in her that she doesn’t want to think about right now. She just wants to be happy and spend time with her friends without having to deal with the giant pile of issues that William brings.

“What’s that?”

Eva looks concerned, and Noora suddenly realizes she’s biting her lip.

“Oh, uh, nothing,” she says, putting her phone back into her pocket. “Just another text from Wilhelm.” She makes sure to emphasize the incorrect name and adds a little smile afterwards, because she’s not at all sure how to handle this bizarre situation and she’s always thought of humour as a great coping mechanism. And it does work, but it’s obviously not a magic wand.

Eva doesn’t laugh, though, but sighs. “Seriously? That guy needs to get a life.”

Noora forces a laugh. “Yeah, he really does.”

If any of the other girls asked her about a text from William, Noora would have lied about it. She would have told them it was Eskild asking her for money or something like that. She’s more embarrassed about this whole situation than she’s willing to admit, and telling the girls about it would require a lot of explaining and a conversation about William that Noora isn’t at all keen on having. But Eva accidentally saw one of his texts lighting up Noora’s phone screen when they were hanging out at Noora’s place a few weeks ago, and Noora had to explain it all to her, so now she knows. When she found out she laughed, but she realized pretty quickly that Noora wasn’t very amused by it. That being said, she’s been very understanding, despite seeming a bit unsure of how to best support Noora. She’s been a good listener the few times Noora has talked about the whole situation, and sometimes she tries to change the subject when the other girls bring up William. Honestly, it’s a relief to have told someone.

“Honestly, Noora, he can’t go on like this.”

Eva looks concerned.

“Well, apparently he can,” Noora points out, and it’s only half a joke.

“I’m serious!” Eva says, and now there’s a hint of anger in her voice. “He’s a fucking creep.”

“Well, I haven’t exactly told him to stop, have I?”

“You shouldn’t have to! You’ve never replied to him, he should have let it go a long time ago.”

Then she’s quiet, and Noora wonders if now is a good time to say something. To tell Eva how complicated this whole thing really is, how despite the fact that the texts make her this uncomfortable and no matter how much she wishes he would stop, she’s genuinely attracted to William. It’s not much; it’s just because of his looks, because he’s a hot guy, and it’s nowhere near the electricity that floods through her body whenever Eva is in the room - but it’s there.

And she’s ashamed of herself for feeling that way.

But maybe now isn’t such a good time to tell Eva about that after all. Maybe it’s the kind of thing that should be told over a cup of coffee after school or while they’re hanging out alone at Eva’s, when Noora has had time to prepare for saying it. The shame is overwhelming enough for her to not be able to say it just like that, right here.

Yes. Waiting is a good idea.

And for now she just wants to lose herself in her feelings for Eva, to just enjoy it. Because Eva would never send her these kinds of texts, or openly obsess over her for months, or see everything but a straight up “no” as an invitation to keep going. Eva is safe, kind and gentle, and she may not have feelings for Noora, but as long as she’s like this, as long as Noora can keep having her close, that doesn’t really matter.

Even though Noora’s heart aches a little each time the possibility of Eva not feeling anything for her crosses her mind.

She says none of this out loud.

“You’re such a great friend, Eva,” she says instead. She smiles, and she means it.

Eva smiles slightly. “You too.”

The mattress is, apparently, not as big as it looks once two people are actually sharing it, and they end up having to pretty much lie on top of each other. But it’s fine. It’s a good distraction.

About half an hour into the night, Noora isn’t thinking about William anymore, but about the way Eva’s warm breath feels against her neck.

Everything is going to be fine.


Three Days With Shia LaBeouf and #allmymovies

To be honest, when I first heard about Shia LaBeouf’s plan to watch all of his films in reverse chronological order in the timespan of three days, I balked. I felt like it was another ridiculous attention grab from an actor who has fallen hard and fast from what grace he had. When it was revealed that Shia would also be livestreaming his viewing online, I was curious. The whole thing? How? Where would the camera be? Wouldn’t there be a rights violation? I had to see for myself. I can’t help it. I get curious about these things. Three days later, I am glad I decided to watch. Not only watch, but find myself thoroughly invested in Shia’s reactions. As Shia watched his more recent films, the looks on his face were somewhat vacant, as if he still pondered his artistic choices in films like Nymphomaniac and Charlie Countryman. The audience during these films appeared to be small in number; as if people didn’t get the joke yet. Then, the magic started to happen. The third Transformers film roared to life.

Before I continue, I should discuss the technicalities of the stream for those who didn’t take a few seconds (minutes, hours, days) to watch Shia watch Shia. The camera was set right in front of Shia’s seat. He remained in one seat in the theater. The focus was solely on him. When the person seated beside him drifted into frame, they were in focus, however anyone behind him was a blur of varying degrees of clarity. There was no audio stream, thus circumventing any need to clear the rights for this broadcast, though an astute fan somehow posted an audio stream of the films so you could follow along at home. A film would play and would then be followed by a quick intermission. The camera remained on the entire time.

As Transformers: Dark of the Moon played, Shia looked bewildered. Perplexed. He visibly cringed at particular moments and covered his eyes. Back when these films were released, Shia played his part in the media. With the first film, he was awestruck by how cool everything was. The second film, still cool, but that spark was disappearing from his eyes. The third film, he was faking any enthusiasm and was a little more honest with his feelings about the making of process. Here, the fruits of his labor in full view in front of him, with some more artistic work on his resume, Shia couldn’t fake enthusiasm any longer. He recoiled at himself on screen through Dark of the Moon and Rise of the Fallen, eventually throwing in the towel on himself. He stood up and walked to the back of the theater and curled up for a nap.

The next big reactions came during Surf’s Up, a sadly – tragically – underappreciated animated gem from 2007. While Shia smiled and laughed here and there earlier, he outright beamed while watching this delightful film. Last week, a podcast I enjoy had included Surf’s Up on it’s shortlist of underrated animated films so the joy of this movie was fresh in my mind. I could see how much he enjoyed this film and could watch the wheels spin as he reflected upon making this film. Reflected upon his younger days as an actor.

Doing this project in reverse chronological order gave the audience and Shia the chance to watch himself grow younger. To see himself go from bombastic characters with bravado to natural, lighthearted, easygoing Shia. It was as if we were watching him watch his career go back from work to fun.

There were emotional reactions to the film A Guide To Recognizing Your Saints, a well-reviewed crime drama with a talented cast that is in my cinematic blind spot. More sleep came as that film gave way to Bobby, Constantine, The Greatest Game Ever Played, and I, Robot. As morning approached, the one people were talking about on social media was getting closer. Holes was next on the docket.

Before Holes, though, it is important to address the small social media following this event was gathering. This was by no means a massive event. I don’t know if the hashtag was ever really trending. On Twitter, though, the people who were drawn to the livestream began to talk about it. And it wasn’t just about Shia. It was about the audience, as well. When given the chance to be around a celebrity, what kind of people do we become? Are we the kind that will become obnoxious and clingy or will we just let the star be a person and do their own thing? The audiences were allowed to enter with the notice that the artist is in the zone and should not be bothered. This is, after all, a performance art project. Some people who sat near Shia, let him be. Others did not. Some people even saw this as their moment to become an Internet star. People brought masks or wore outlandish garb. They waved or drifted into frame from beside him. Sometimes you could see people poke around others in the back rows just to look at the camera for a moment. When Shia would take a break, sometimes someone would take his seat. See, the admission to this event was free and people could come and go when they wanted to. When people left, more people were let into the theater. People near Shia were silently given the task of protecting his seat when he left. They were usually quickly shooed away, but a few times, they were able to smile for the camera. Or wave. Or hold up signs with Twitter handles and hashtags. These people were given nicknames on Twitter based on their appearances. I still remember the moment Green Hair Girl rubbed the back of Shia’s seat before depositing a hand drawn picture of Stanley Yelnats into his seat. I remember when Maroon Sweatshirt fist bumped with Blue Shirt. And I have heard tales of Weird Hat Girl not shutting up. We remember when the Hippy Guy and Glasses Girl (1, 2, and 3) sat next to Shia and how he interacted with them. This project wasn’t about how a famous person lost their marbles. It became a look at how people want their own shot at a second of fame if the opportunity is in front of them. It also became an annoying look at how people need to shut their goddamn telephones off when they go to the movie theater. But I digress…

During Holes, something changed in watching Shia. Shia allowed himself to let go and enjoy himself. He smiled more. He laughed more. But as much as he laughed during Holes, he really let everything out during Disney’s The Even Stevens Movie. He burst out in laughter. He beamed. At moments, it seemed as if he had tears in his eyes from laughing so hard. But was it from laughter? Perhaps these tears were from something else. Something I think we all experience as we get older.

There is a joy in our youths that we will never get to experience again. A delight that comes from being truly carefree. As we age, while we may still have these moments of joy, stress is around every corner. From finances to family, love to health, our own responsibilities to the responsibilities of those around us, we can’t be goofy and carefree every moment anymore. Something is always plaguing us. I have had a lot of these moments myself lately. Regrets. Stress. Longing for days that have passed. Wishing for a change to make things right. I have images that pass in my head of days when I was younger and how I wish I could revisit them. I wish I had a chance to do things over. I wish I had a chance to just enjoy myself again. Part of me wonders if some of the tears Shia cried while watching his earlier films were because he too missed the days where he could goof around and have fun and truly enjoy being on set.

As the marathon drew to a close, Shia took a quick glance at the camera and stood up. He made his way up the aisle as the audience applauded him. He shook a few hands and bumped a few fists, but really exited with little fanfare before the feed cut. There’s a metaphor there. I wonder if it is too pretentious to talk about here. After all, this whole article is about Sam Witwicky. But the metaphor still exists. We can watch our lives pass go on. We can reflect upon the days we used to have. We can long for them or smile at what happened. In the end, it all just ends quicker than we ever expected. But what do we have to show for it. Who around us will be touched by the lives we led and how will they respond to us. I enjoyed witnessing Shia’s art project more than I expected to. I think because of all of the stuff I have been feeling myself lately. Perhaps I have put too much meaning into it and it is just a past their prime celebrity trying to get some attention. Perhaps it’s more than that. But that the matter is up for debate is proof enough that Shia’s project was a success.

NOTE: A huge thank you for reading this. If you plan on reblogging it, please include the article. I like the pictures, too, and I did spend a lot of time capping them, but the article is the meat of this post. Include it in your reblog.

anonymous asked:

ahhh thanks so much nunchi + others for the advice, i shall have to think about it because i think i'd like to but i know in time if i keep it up my writing will get noticed but how can i stop feeling disappointed if it doesn't do as well as i thought it would? i know notes shouldn't matter and i should just enjoy writing, which i am doing now that i've stopped thinking too much about it and just write

The most important thing starting out is just being brave enough to throw it out into the open, regardless of what people may say.

When I posted the prologue and first chapter of Devil’s Advocate (which people seem to really like, now), it took a week before it got a single note, and a good month before it got over 20, and I got my first anon messaging me about it. Writing is all about patience, passion, and personal satisfaction (alliteration ftw), so the more you go in not caring about what the world thinks, the better chances you have of creating a stable career for yourself with you as the top priority, not readers or views or notes or any of that stuff.

And like I said, my DMs are open anytime you would like to talk or ask questions~

Originally posted by v-dyo


Register, Vote, Save the Day! 

// I don’t normally post outside of the Star Trek universe. Even my OOC posts are related to science (plus the occasional personal note), but I feel the need to spread the signal for this message. 

If you are a citizen of the United States of America, do not waste your vote. If you are old enough to vote, register, and make a difference. You do matter. Your needs and wants matter. 

Don’t fixate on the negative. Remember all the positive things the people of this country have accomplished. In my lifetime alone, since I’m a lot older than most of you, I’ve seen tremendous growth where those who are different, like me, have their voices heard and positive changes have been made. Not all of our wants have been met, but I do not think that’s possible–because it’s human nature not to settle–but it is better. 

Do not let Hatred, Anger, and Fear become the message of this country. 


this isnt about YOU.. this isnt about how many follows and likes and reblogs you get.. this isnt about popularity.. this isnt about giving your ego a good stroke because you feel unattractive and need anyone else’s opinion to convince you otherwise..

the blackout isnt about uplifting individuals..

the blackout is about uplifting our RACE and our CULTURE as a whole..

we’re doing this to spread awareness.. to notify the public around the world that we are here, and we are demanding our respect.. DARKER SHADES OF SKIN GET TREATED BADLY EVERYWHERE.. REGARDLESS OF THE RACE.. this is about showing everyone that we are proud of who we are.. this is about showing them that we come in all different shades, all different sizes, and the only difference between them and us, is that we have a little more melanin in our skin.. the same exact skin that they wear on their own bodies.. we want them to understand that we are not going to be treated like we are less of a human being, simply because we have darker skin, different dialect or different origins of nationality.. and if they will continue to hold us at a lower standard, we will take it upon ourselves to raise the standard ourselves..

we’re given ONE month of the year, while the rest of it is theirs for the taking, to do as they please and celebrate their rise to power.. this is us doing the same without any cosign or allowance from them..

no matter if you feel unattractive, no matter if you think you’re overweight or too skinny, NO MATTER WHAT YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF AS AN INDIVIDUAL, that is not what the blackout is here to fix.. that is an INDIVIDUAL problem that should be worked out in another manner..

regardless of how many likes or reblogs you get, i beg of you to take part in the blackout.. take part in your culture.. stand with your people, and fight for our equality and our justice.. a selfie with no notes, does more for the cause than a complaint post about not being attractive enough.. hell, i dont feel attractive myself, but my faceless gif of me doing a couple dabs got plenty of notes..

get creative, do something, say something, make an example or simply show face.. this is about supporting our community of people, and showing that we are not ashamed of being black.. they might be able to have all the power in the world, but that all goes away when we cut the lights, and give them a blackout..

they fear the darkness, but we wear it on our skin..

you have some time left, so make the best of this day..

I couldn’t find it, but there’s a post on tumblr which is a reaction gif to someone finding that a person doesn’t have any pictures of themselves on their tumblr and them subsequently choosing not to follow them. I’m sorry, but WHAT?! I really thought the point of tumblr was that people weren’t as shallow as that. The only picture I have on my tumblr is freaking Nic Cage with a flower crown, and that’s enough. Why do people need to see what I look like in order for me (or anyone for that matter) to gain followers? What the hell? Why don’t you follow me or others because you like what we post or reblog? Screw people who reblog the post I mentioned. 

Note, it’s not like I haven’t tried, but I just don’t look good in pictures, especially selfies. I’m sorry, but that’s the way it is for me and loads of other people, and we shouldn’t feel like we’re obligated to put up pictures of ourselves just so people will follow us. Why would you follow someone just because you think they’re hot or whatever? Doesn’t that clog your dashboard with posts that don’t suit your style?

anonymous asked:

You may have already answered an ask like this, so I apologize in advance for checking previous asks first. My question: My weight is affecting my self-esteem in the worst way. It's something I work on daily, finding the common ground between self-acceptance and proper self-care. With that said, it's affected my dating/sex life. I'm aware that I'm insecure about my body but recognizing it isn't enough. Do you have any advice on boosting body-confidence?

THIS IS THE REALEST STRUGGLE. I feel like everybody has this struggle, no matter how big or small you are. Like, maybe some very self-actualized people do not have this struggle, and I envy them and hope they stub their toes a lot (only not really).

But it’s definitely the kind of struggle you can minimize. A lot of it comes down to two vital concepts. These are your new mantras for as long as you need them to be. Read them, learn them, write them on post-it notes and hang them on your mirror, whatever.

  1. Comparison is of the devil. 
  2. The way I think about myself shapes how I feel about myself.

What do I mean by these things?

FIRST OF ALL, I mean that somebody else’s appearance and somebody else’s life has no bearing on yours whatsoever. Somebody else being hella attractive does not mean you are any less hella attractive; there’s not like, a certain amount of beauty or success or whatever in the world. Somebody else being attractive has no bearing on your attractiveness. Moreover, there will always be someone you feel is more attractive than you and someone you feel is less; comparing yourself to either of these people is at worst a method of self-torture and at best it makes you kind of a hater. Nobody needs that!

But yo, this is a pretty intense habit we’re socialized into doing, and it can be really hard to break! So here’s something that helped me: when you find yourself thinking of yourself in terms of comparison to other people, think in terms of “and” instead of “but” or “I wish.” So like, instead of “Wow, she has really beautiful eyes, I wish my eyes were that beautiful,” recognize when you’re having these thoughts and switch them up: “Wow, she has really beautiful eyes, and my hair is really bangin’. We rock.” Jealousy is a totally normal thing to feel, but it can be HELLA toxic.

This helps break the habit of making attractiveness and success gets you in the habit of complimenting yourself and b) aligning yourself with other people instead of pitting yourself against them, which helps my anxiety about this stuff significantly and may help yours.

Which leads me to point two: the way we think about ourselves shapes how we feel about ourselves. Again, we are encouraged and socialized to think shitty things about ourselves, and to constantly undermine ourselves in pursuit of “modesty.” Arrogance ain’t cute, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with giving yourself props when you want to.

Thinking negatively about myself will always, always make me feel shitty about myself. Without fail. So whenever I catch myself thinking something like, “I am a disgusting monster who will never find love,” I switch that sucker up and immediately compliment myself, even if all I can manage in the moment is “I am not a monster and lots and lots of people love me.” (Though ideally you will catch yourself in this thought and go, “Begone Debbie Downer Brain! I am a fierce and magnificent goddess and my boobs are ON POINT today and my ass NEVER QUITS.” Feel free hyperbolic. It helps.)

Make a point of complimenting yourself every day. I straight-up used to tape affirmations to my mirror; I would write things I liked about myself and then every morning I had a reminder of them. You can ask your close friends to write things down, too - then you have a little external validation to go along with your development of your internal validation.

The most important thing to remember is that this is a process. It won’t all change immediately – but you can teach yourself to think more positively about yourself. There are some days where it will be harder than others, or some weeks, AND THAT IS OKAY. Listen to yourself, and be kind to yourself. xo