'but then i used to work in a mall in north carolina'

Confession: I am sitting here laughing so hard at my own fucking nonsense that I am gonna have to compose myself before writing a rambly artist note.

Will you even look at this.

Okay, so: This was a gag gift, you know it was a gag gift, obviously a very well-thought out one that took some planning, but the person who gave it was apparently unaware that while you can take the man out of Iowa, you cannot take the Iowa out of the man.  Even if you manage to surgically excise every trace of Midwest, you’d STILL have someone who used to wear a purple miniskirt to work.

Last statement here is that if you’re new enough to Hawkeye that you don’t recognise the GOSH I LOVE ARROWS thing, I am going to give you the pleasure of Googe-Image-Searching it yourself.  Enjoy!  You’ve picked the right Avenger to love, you really have.

things i know about the states
  • Alabama - racist and homophobic. i think u like statues cuz you’ve got a giant fucking one called vulcan thats like what? 100,000 pounds?? ??? wow. very extra. 
  • Alaska - i only know one person from alaska but they’re a trump supporter going to art school so i imagine they aren’t having a great time. also my parents ditched me in illinois for a week to go there on vacation. lots of bears.
  • Arizona - irrational hatred of mexicans in the southern part. my pe coach from elementary school who is now a convicted pedophile loved it there. very hot but not humid. cacti. you serve rattlesnake and rabbit sausage and i was forced to sit and watch as my brother ate it just to spite me. 
  • Arkansas - like alabama but a lil better. you’ve got the whole southern hospitality thing goin’ on. you made it illegal for a rivers water level to rise above a bridge. how are y’all gonna enforce that? tell nature to stop?
  • California - very liberal but the three people i know who live there are hella conservative. suffocate them. do it for me. also pretty chill people but don’t take criticism well. gay
  • Colorado - nice weather. outdoorsy people. wyomings less racist cousin. lots of critters. nice people but no chill about skiing or snowboarding.
  • Connecticut - people go through ur state to get to other states. everyone i know from connecticut is not there now. 
  • Delaware - people go to ur state to shop since y’all don’t have a sales tax. ur really fucking flat. ur gonna be one of the first to go with rising sea levels. also no national parks??? 
  • Florida - my uncle worked on airplanes in miami for 50 years and hated it. you fucked us all. the only person i know from florida doesn’t believe in evolution. racists up north, gays in the south. disney world
  • Georgia - coca cola and the walking dead. people only care about atlanta. art hoes chill in savannah. had first college for women. for some reason ur not allowed to live on a boat for more than 30 days in a year??? ? why
  • Hawaii - you get a lot of tourists and they’re usually inadvertently racist. v liberal. the Most liberal in the country. screw california. lots of culture. good food. 
  • Idaho - potatoes. a made up word. ppl thought it was indian but it wasn’t. its gibberish. nice. a metric fuckton of gem stones.
  • Illinois -north is liberal. south is, according to my mom who grew up there, ‘the armpit of the rest of the state.’ her town was small & when it tried to start a kkk they couldn’t because people recognized their shoes. my grandma is 45 minutes away from the nearest walmart. 
  • Indiana - home to mike pence. crazy corn people. my mom’s bff lives there and she’s crazy but super sweet. inidana means ‘indian land’ but that obvs didn’t work out. also there’s a law against fishing with dynamite and guns?? ? 
  • Iowa - actually make more corn than indiana but don’t tell them. also make a fuckton of alcohol. ur name is mostly vowels which is gr8. also first female lawyer. ppl are typically nice, but also might shoot u
  • Kansas - contains the geographic center of the US. first woman mayor. my dad ditched me in illinois to pick up an RV in kansas. passionate about trucks. 
  • Kentucky - don’t go if u have allergies. to anything. horses and racism. also fried chicken. u aren’t allowed to throw eggs at public speakers or you could go to jail. lots of weird space shit. u built a town in a meteor crater which is cool.
  • Louisiana - people only care about jazz and the new orleans. lots of drunk ass college kids. humid af. sorry u have to live with that. u follow napoleon law instead of english common law like literally every other state. less racist than others but still kinda racist. 
  • Maine - might as well be canada. lotsa lobsters and trees. not allowed to keep christmas decorations up after the 14 of january?? only one syllable. people are chill. my dads friends own some islands up there. like small islands. chunks of rock really. they aren’t rich but they are usually drunk. 
  • Maryland - obsessed with ur flag and crabs. old bay on everything not just crabs. chocolate, popcorn, regular corn, potatoes. u need help. identity issues. north or south? who knows? they dont. also jousting is the state sport?? and ur judges wear red robes? called ‘america in miniature’ ur the only state with an official exercise and its…walking jfc
  • Massachusetts - will tell everyone they are from mass. ur not allowed to be cold because they have been Colder. ur state is too hot 4 them. lots of smart colleges, lots of dumb people. good hospitals and healthcare. v progressive. probably learned too much about them in 8th grade us history. first to legalize gay marriage A+
  • Michigan - the people i know from Michigan are incredibly salty about flint and pretty artistic/creative. lots of lakes. giant fucking lakes. literally named for an indian word that means ‘giant fucking lakes’ ur the only place in the gotdamn world with a floating post office. makes sense cuz ur mostly fucking lake. 
  • Minnesota - no one really knows what u do. you’d be like the quiet emo kid that sits in the back of the class and says nothing. ur really cold. you’ve got a lot of malls. and a lot of fucking lakes. not big lakes but like 11,000 itsy bitsy lakes. u look like swiss cheese. 
  • Mississippi - racist but getting better…at least you were. ur mostly known for your river. people spell the name of ur state for fun. for some reason you have a cactus plantation???? the worlds only cactus plantation??? ?? why 
  • Missouri - misery Missouri. u really fucking love fountains? only rome has more fountains than kansas city, missouri like? wow. you also have the arch which is great but also a lot of murder. also, a lot of caves which is awesome
  • Montana - mountainy af. do you even have cities? v cold. holds record for coldest temp in US (-70F) and largest snowflake. wow. also illegal to pretend to abuse an animal in front of a minor. nice. first woman in congress. very pretty state but no one lives there. 
  • Nebraska - hell state. flat. its so flat. my family was driving through nebraska??? and like?? your houses are like three miles apart. at a minimum? we drove three hours out of the way to look at fossils. but there weren’t any? and we passed like 16 houses maybe?
  • Nevada - desert trash children. literally just does not rain. las vegas is okay. i went and a homeless dude was telling dirty jokes for money. lots of homeless people. highest suicide rating of any state. i shot a machine gun and strange man came up to me and told me i was a good shot?? 
  • New Hampshire - republican cousin of vermont. lots of nature, which is ironic. very outdoorsy. entire state smells like pine trees. u only have 13 miles of ocean coastline which is v sad. sorry. also not legally required to wear a seat belt??? ur state motto is weirdly intense ‘live free or die’ yikes
  • New Jersey - interesting accent. hair gel up the wazoo on the men. lots of fucking diners. also the worlds biggest statue of a tooth??? ? why?  i know one boy from new jersey who came to college with only five white-wife beaters and two gym shorts. his name was Tony. 
  • New Mexico - arizonas nicer cousin. Not As Hot as you would expect. lots of cacti. super pretty architecture. desert aesthetic and aliens. ur lawmakers don’t get paid?? also ur capital is super cool and v old.
  • New York - ur all assholes but its okay because u have to deal with tourists. liberal and educated but not v nice. superiority complex sometimes. nyc has more people than 39 of the 50 us states. y’all are packed like rats. also lots of celebrities 
  • North Carolina - transphobic af. also u have a lot of sweet potatoes?? ur beaches are generally pretty crowded but can be nice. I have a friend that lives there now; she says the weather is v nice. v good at basketball. 
  • North Dakota - boring. for some reason its still legal to shoot an indian if they’re on horseback and ur in a covered wagon??? obsessed with buffalo. also very cold
  • Ohio - people only care about you around election time. ur flag isn’t a rectangle?? hipster trash. also its illegal to get a fish drunk?? ????? do people even fish in ohio? what is this
  • Oklahoma - u get a lot of tornadoes and most people don’t even care because you kind of suck. ironically u were the last state to declare xmas a legal holiday tho but i guess being first to go for lethal injection makes up for it. not even carrie underwood can save this state. 
  • Oregon - v liberal but to the point of being pretentious. great weather. the people are generally nice but also v weird?? I went and a guy was unironically riding down the street on a penny farthing? p sure everyone is high. also drivers have to yield to pedestrians….who are on the sidewalk??? 
  • Pennsylvania - ur a wannabe confederate state like?? get over it ur in the north pal. also u have the oldest continuously operating book shop in the US and maybe the world. u could have saved us but you didn’t. your weather is v inconsistent. not uncommon to see amish people on the side of a high way in their buggies. your sports fans are kinda scary
  • Rhode Island - smol. first state to stick it to britain. u really like tennis which is weird because ur windy af. first state to abolish death penalty. ur state motto is just the word ‘hope’??? also ur flag looks like a fifth graders art project but its nice?
  • South Carolina - crocodiles and beaches. my cousin and i went down and she made me play pokémon go with her except we were barefoot and it led us right to an 8 foot crocodile. also we found pickled pig parts in a sketchy gas station in a jar. not for sale. just there. also the anti-choice gory fetus signs on the side of the road are classy. 
  • South Dakota - better than north dakota. very pretty. giant fucking fossil named sue. lots of fossils in general. you like big rocks with faces carved onto them. u didn’t stop with the presidents; now ur making one for crazy horse (and it looks better). 
  • Tennessee - ur state is most referenced in a crappy pick up line. you’re to blame for mountain dew. most people only think of graceland and elvis which is fine cuz thats all you care about too. my friend went there and asked for chicken at a fast food restaurant but they didn’t have any and her phone broke. 
  • Texas - not as racist as people think, but still pretty racist. austin is v liberal but thats about it. you keep trying to secede (again) and its as funny as it is pathetic. have a huge bat colony - largest in the world, but they’re mexican freetail bats so u probably want to get rid of them. unironically wear cowboy hats. 
  • Utah - mormons like literally there are so many mormons that its the least diverse state in terms of religion. very pretty tho. ur state motto is just the word ‘industy’ ??? ?? ???? also u really like skiing and snowboarding. 
  • Vermont - v liberal. pure. also should probably be canadian since u make a lot of syrup. also home to ben and jerrys. very green and lots of critters. very pretty mountains. the people are really chill and probably annoyed ppl confuse vermont with new hampshire.
  • Virginia - u can’t drive. ur really competitive with marylanders but its kind of onesided?? u also donated land to build DC. weirdly specific hunting laws? no animals can be hunted on sundays except raccoons which can be hunted until 2 am??? why do u hunt raccoons? very political. lots of history. everyone is named james.
  • Washington - seattle is the only thing people think of unless they’ve seen twilight in which case: forks. very green and grey color scheme. named after the primero prez. home to starbucks like literally there is one on every corner. also u have an active volcano which is cool but it has killed people which isn’t
  • West Virginia - ur very racist but you don’t even try to hide it? u didn’t have a starbucks until 2003. You know coal isn’t coming back and you don’t know why trump thinks he can make it come back. But you voted for him anyway. 
  • Wisconsin - Cheese. v religious and not the loving god kind; very hellfire and brimstone. you have a hamburger hall of fame and u also tried to do the noahs ark theme park but im p sure that didn’t work out well. 
  • Wyoming - racist which is ironic since ur the equality state and also you’re obsessed with guns. yellowstone national park is p much the only reason people go there. you carry shotguns around with you for no good reason. 

hazylucozade  asked:

Hey idk if you are still looking for prompts because I scrolled pretty far back, but if so, how about "that's the dumbest shit I've ever heard let's do it" or ”it’s a long story that involves a lot of blood, a couple squirrels, and one hell of a headache” for any of the foxes? Thanks, I love love love your writing and I've really enjoyed looking through your blog!

I’m always accepting prompts! And thank you so much for the lovely compliments! I hope you enjoy! This is basically a shitpost in fic form. It’s a crack fic. I’m not even sorry. Also you probably need to suspend a lot of disbelief for this; just roll with it

“That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard; let’s do it”

Neil is still trying to get the hang of his new phone. Nicky had insisted that he upgrade to this century and had practically dragged Neil to the mall to purchase an iPhone. The rest of the Foxes were more than happy about the change, some money even exchanging hands, but there’s so much going on with his phone now. Before, all Neil had to worry about were text messages and phone calls, but now there’s a bunch of apps that Nicky keeps trying to teach him. He thinks he’s starting to get a handle on Snapchat thanks to the daily snaps from Allison. At the very least, he’s no longer confused by the way they disappear after opening them. And Instagram seems easy enough, so Neil tries to keep track of that so he can see Renee’s posts from around the world.

Neil can admit that the ESPN app is great. It’s set up to send him notifications for Exy news and score updates. It’s that app that is currently dinging at Neil as he makes his way across campus. The trade deadline is coming up for the National Exy League, and Neil’s been trying to keep up and follow the changes. After Neil reads the latest update, the striker tries to see the current NCAA standings, but his new phone isn’t cooperating. He bats at the screen a few times, but when it finally switches over to NCAA Exy, it’s the news page. Neil lets out a frustrated noise and is about to just give up when a headline catches his eye.

Neil scrolls through and reads the article the whole way back to Fox Tower. He still has his phone out and the page open as he unlocks the door to his dorm. The room is full of people, but Neil has learnt to be unsurprised by that. Nicky and Aaron are in the beanbags, a video game of some sort blaring on the television. Kevin is sprawled out on the couch with his laptop in his lap while Andrew is perched on his desk by the window.

“Hey, Neil,” Nicky greets, not taking his eyes off the game he’s playing. “How was class?”

“Did you guys know someone tried to steal the University of Texas’ mascot last night? Not the costume; the actual longhorn.”

“How unoriginal,” Nicky says. “That’s like the oldest prank in the book. I mean everyone’s—”

Nicky cuts off as he finally draws his eyes away and meets Neil’s, his face contorting into a mix of guilt and regret. The backliner opens his mouth again, but whatever rambling remedy was on the tip of his tongue, he swallows it down and snaps his lips shut. When no one else in the room has anything to add, Neil resigns himself to his desk. He can feel Andrew’s eyes boring into his cheek, but the striker focuses on outlining his upcoming essay until practice.

The news story gets forgotten, blurred away by drills and bickering freshmen and a scrimmage. But it’s still nestled a place in the back of Neil’s mind, niggling in the periphery of his thoughts persistently. By the time he’s changing out after practice, it’s made its way back to the forefront.

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The Animal Inside - werewolf!Calum alternate ending

Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four / Part Five / Part Six / Part Seven/ Part Eight / Part Nine / Part Ten / Part Eleven / Part Twelve / Part Thirteen / Original Ending

Author’s Note: Sorry this took so long to write. I had requests for the super cheesy alternate ending so here’s the super cheesy ending for those who love super cheesy stories! It starts out like the original ending but takes a different turn so it’s smutty and fluffy at the same time. So if you want cheese but not smut… this isn’t gonna work out lol

Rating: Mature (smut)

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Hayes Grier Imagine- For Megan

“Come meet me at the North Carolina mall today(:” Hayes tweeted

You were staying with your friend, Ashley, for the summer in North Carolina. She moved away from New York last year and this was the first time you had seen her since then.

“OH MY GOD ASHLEY WAKE UP HAYES IS GOING TO BE MEETING PEOPLE AT THE MALL TODAY” You yelled

“Just 5 more minutes Megan” said Ashley rolling over

“NO GET UP NOW WE HAVE TO GET READY BEFORE IT GETS TOO CROWDED” you said

“Ughhhh” Ashley groaned

As she rolled out of bed you had begun washing your face and doing your regular morning routine. You applied your everyday make up and put on a high waisted skirt with a crop top and white converse. You straightened your hair making sure it was pin straight. After about 45 minutes you and Ashley were ready.

When you arrived at the mall there seemed to be thousands of girls there. You and Ashley hope out of the car and pushed your way through the crowd trying to find the one and only Hayes Grier. All of a sudden someone tripped you and you fell right on your face.

“OH MY GOD! Megan are you okay?” Ashley said

“Ouch. Uh yeah I’m fine.” You responded

As soon as you were about to stand up someone grabbed your hand and helped you up. Thinking it was Ashley, you didn’t really make a big deal out of it. As you looked up to say thank you, you realized who it was. Hayes Grier.

“Hi! Megan right? I heard your friend say your name” Hayes said to you

“Yeah hi. Your Hayes right?” Acting like you didn’t already know who he was

“Yep that’s me. So are you okay? I saw you take a pretty big fall. It looked like it hurt” Hayes said to you looking up and down your body making sure there were no scratches or bruises

“Oh yeah I’m fine. My ankle hurts pretty bad tho” You responded

“Here come over here” Hayes said

Security blocked off all the girls and you, Ashley, and Hayes made your way to the food court siting down. He helped you over there and pulled your chair out for you.

“Your ankle looks a little swollen” Hayes said

“Yeah it hurts pretty bad” You responded

“Is there anyone that could come and pick you up?” Hayes asked

You looked at Ashley waiting for her to answer.

“No, my parents just dropped us off and went to work” Ashley said

“Here why don’t y'all come back to my house and we can help you out until someone can get you. Sounds good?” Hayes asked

“Yeah sure!” You both responded in sync with each other

As you all left the mall and got into the car you realized Hayes lived pretty close to Ashley. You pulled into the drive way and he helped you out of the car. When you got inside he sat you on the couch right next to him.

“So what do y'all wanna do?” Hayes asked

“Let’s just watch a movie or something!” You said

Hayes put in a movie and wrapped his arm around you. You laid you head on his chest and snuggled up next to him. Before you knew it Ashley’s parents were there and it was time for y'all to go.

“Hey can I get your number? Maybe tomorrow we can hang out or something if your ankle doesn’t hurt too bad!” Hayes said

As you gave him your number he gave you a kiss on the cheek and a hug goodbye. All the way home you were thinking of how unreal all that was. You just wet inside Hayes Grier’s house. And he kissed you. That night you went to bed with a huge smile on your face.

The Animal Inside - werewolf!Calum pt. 14

Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four / Part Five / Part Six / Part Seven/ Part Eight / Part Nine / Part Ten / Part Eleven / Part Twelve / Part Thirteen

Author’s Note: Well. I took me two weeks but here’s the final part to werewolf!Calum. And now I’m gonna take a break from fanfics to work on all the one shots I have in my ask so it could be a while until I finish the supernatural!5sos series. Side note: It kinda ends weird but I feel like it works… But let me know what you thought of the whole thing! Sorry I was shit at posting everything.

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