''i should go to bed'' i tell myself

It is no coincidence that a rattlesnake makes the same noise as a bottle of pills. I have seen my friends open their prescriptions as if it has just unhinged its jaw and is about to swallow them whole. When did growing up mean chasing drinks rather than chasing dreams because I can spend a whole day in bed and not once think about where I should be going and when I manage to drag myself out it is a question of how much therapy can you pay for sanity and is it worth it for my parents to empty their wallets so that I can spill my guts because at what point does a shell have to stop calling themselves human? I am so fucking tired of people telling me that there is room for improvement because I can scream into the hollowed out bits of myself and only hear echoes - when you tell me there is space to grow, I will show you that I am the grand canyon when you imagined me as a pothole and it would have been a lot easier to fill me with cement and walk all over me again. Somebody once told me that being bipolar was like trying to visit the opposite ends of the world at the exact same time - that the closer you got to where you want to go, the further you get from where you should have been in the first place and it is a matter of just standing still and letting the Earth do the spinning for you. But I have been trying to take steps and I swear to God if I hear that I am not moving fast enough that I can assure you my body is quicksand and it is enough that I have not completely sunk inside of myself. I do not have black eyes from the struggle, I do not have broken bones that let you know I have been fighting for my life, but I have my beating heart and the sunrise that tells me this is a new day and for now that is enough.
—  February 19th, 2017 (k.p.k)

Imagine a UNIT era modern day AU where the Doctor discovers Facebook:

  • He immediately sends friend requests to everyone at UNIT. The Brigadier doesn’t really understand social media (he only uses it to keep up with family stuff) but he’s very good at clicking the delete button. The Doctor is undeterred and continues to send him friend requests.
  • One day the Brigadier has to tell him exasperatedly, “Doctor, you can’t publicly list your education as ‘Time Lord Academy’.”
  • On another occasion he has to tell him to take down the picture he posted of the First Doctor that was captioned, “And here’s me in my younger days.” “I suppose this means you’ll want me remove that photograph taken during the Omega incident that said, ‘Hanging out with myself’,” the Doctor sighs.
  • The Doctor tries to sound cool on the internet but doesn’t because he keeps using memes that haven’t been invented yet. No one has any idea what he’s talking about and internet-savvy Jo is perpetually embarrassed.
  • The Master (under a paper-thin alias) stalks the Doctor’s page and likes all his posts in the hope that the Doctor will send him a friend request and he can have the satisfaction of declining it. The Doctor ignores him, but he does get a friend request from Sergeant Benton. Somehow the thought of declining that isn’t quite as satisfying.
  • “No, Doctor,” the Brigadier groans one morning when he sees his Facebook feed, “you cannot post… selfies… with a Dalek.” “Well if you don’t like mine, “ the Doctor replies, “just wait until you see Jo’s.”

i wish i could do things right and i wish i had motivation to get up

They say nothing good happens after 2 am and they are right. And as I lay in bed, listening to your heavy breathing, contemplating how much it hurts when I heard her name escaped from your lips, I whispered words. Loud enough for you to hear but soft enough to not wake you up. And I’m lost. Lost between wanting for them to reach your heart and accepting that they will forever remain unheard. I’ve been holding my heart the whole night, trying to tell myself to stop holding on to someone whose heart belongs entirely to someone else. I should have let go, I should have accepted the fact that maybe this is the farthest we could go. But there’s something in the way your voice sounds when you say good morning. There’s something about your comforting words and reassuring smile. Something about your presence that tells me “we could happen”. And yet, I am once again reminded that you belong to someone else when I heard you calling her name again. See, even your dreams say so.

But maybe, despite the warnings and the reminders. Maybe I could still wish. For as long as we’re looking under the same sky, staring at the same moon, watching the same sunset and breathing the same air, I’ll never stop believing that maybe, someday, something good will happen after 2 am.

Sincerely, Your Rebellious Teenager.

I hate when you guys, my parents, who tell me that I should be myself, critique my choices and restrict me and tell me I have to wait til I’m 18. Bitch you just wait until I’m 18 I will go bat shit crazy and do everything you told me not to. I will have sex when I want to. I will dress in all black. I will smoke cigarettes. I will do some drugs. I will be a pill junkie. I will party every night. I won’t ever go to bed on time. I’ll skip class. I’ll pay for my own gas. I’ll have a boyfriend/girlfriend. I’ll dye my hair. I’ll pierce my body. I’ll go out on weekends. I’ll wear makeup, of all colors and kinds. I’ll break the law. I’ll get the tattoos I want. I’ll run from the cops. I’ll get in fights. I’ll swear in every sentence. I won’t make my bed everyday. I’ll sleep in on weekends. I’m going to chase my dreams. I’m going to be the real me. I will wear the clothes that make me feel good in my own skin. I’ll eat the kinds of food I want. I’m going to choose my own friends. I’m going to go to concerts. I’m going to walk around the town instead of getting a ride. I will drink alcohol. I’m going to worship my own god, if I even have one. My music is going to be as loud as I want it to be, and it’s going to be what I want to listen to. I’m not going to walk in your footsteps. I’m going to create my own path. I’m not going to be a lawyer or a pharmacist or a doctor or nurse or a vet or an engineer, unless that’s what interests me. And you’re going to regret making me be the pretty little, punctual, goodie-two-shoes, sheltered, innocent school-girl/boy. I’m going to be everything you tried to stop me from being. I’ll be everything I ever wanted to be. And you’re going to hate it even more when you can’t limit any of it.

Insomnia

I haven’t slept for days and I’m not sure if it’s due to insomnia or due to that fact that life is easier to face when you don’t sleep because things become easier to accept especially when you are hallucinating most of the day and having a hard time telling if the man standing at the foot of your bed is real and should be taken as a threat or if he’s just in your mind and all you need is a little sleep to make him go away but it is nice on these sleepless nights to have some company to converse with even if I am just speaking with myself. These sleepless nights are a curse and a blessing at the same time because I am awake during my best creative hours but I know at some point my body will shut down and force me to sleep whether I want to or not or at least that’s what the man I converse with says. I know the things I see and the people that I talk to at night are not real and do not pose a threat but sometimes when I bounce my writing prompts off of them and when they reply I feel as if they are real and that there is another person in that room with me even though my roommates think I’m crazy having one ended conversations with myself and laughing at nothingness. They try everything they can to get me to finally sleep from melatonin, the gym, heavy drinking, even weed but nothing seems to be enough to put me out for the night but I fear if I don’t sleep soon something will go wrong because something isn’t right the man no longer speaks with me he only stares with eyes like black holes I can feel my life being sucked through them the more he stares. What if our conversing was just him learning who I am so that he can take my place and I’ll be the one staring back at myself while someone else runs the show.

There is something very strange going on with my wife...

This is my first post on nosleep, but I feel you guys should know about this. If you want to get to the ‘meat’ of the story, you can skip ahead to the 4th paragraph. Growing up I always feared monsters. Even in college, which most would consider to be the time when you can be called an adult, my greatest fears were the monsters under my bed, in the closet or at the window. I would always tell myself how silly this was seeing as I was an adult at this point and I was still afraid of something I knew did not exist. That was until……. I met my wife. But before I tell you what happened, let me elaborate on how I met my wife to be and how much she means to me.

I met Natalie in college. I was a nerdy guy, yet she saw in me something that no other girl in my life had. She was an extremely kind person, who always had the sweetest of intentions. As I spent more time with her, I realized how many things we had in common. To me she was the most beautiful girl in the world. I could stare into her green eyes for the rest of my life, and that’s what I chose to do when I proposed and we finally got married.

Fast forward to married life, I am working now, while she is working on an online masters degree. Life is good, life is actually perfect, too perfect. Ever since we got married, I’ve told her everything, my deepest secrets, my deepest feelings, and most importantly, my deepest fears. I remember when I first told her about my silly fear of monsters, at first she laughed it off. But over time, she noticed how I would sometimes shiver in bed, lying awake in fear. Being the sweet heart that she is, she would hold me, and tell me it would be alright. My wife became my protector, she became the one to keep my fears in check. Her face became that of an angel to me, one that would protect me from whatever scary things life had in store for me. I came to trust those beautiful green eyes, and every time I saw her, I knew I was safe.

Now to the more……weird things that have been happening of late. The first incident that I can recall that could be defined as strange happened at 3:00 am one night. I woke up feeling extremely thirsty, and being the fearful guy that I am, grabbed the flash light to go get some water. As soon as I turned on the flashlight I noticed my wife wasn’t in bed. I looked over to the bathroom and the light was on and I could hear the water running so I assumed she was there. Half asleep I walked downstairs to the kitchen and almost had a heart attack when I saw my wife standing in a corner drinking water. As soon as I saw her though, I felt safe. She smiled at me as she sipped the water from the glass. I was too tired and I mumbled something about how hot it is as I got some water. She continued to smile at me as I finished my water and headed upstairs. As I walked back upstairs I called out that she should come back to bed seeing as it’s so late. When I get back to my room, there she was, sound asleep. This was the moment I became wide awake. I could have sworn she was downstairs having water. Afraid to go back downstairs, I woke her up and told her what happened. Half asleep, half upset, she comforted me and told me to go back to bed. The next morning she joked about how I’m so afraid of the dark that I see her everywhere as my protector. “Besides, I was using the bathroom when you thought I was out of bed” she claimed. With that warm smile, how could I think otherwise?

A week later, another strange incident. This was in broad day light, while on a Saturday morning, Natalie woke me up at 11:00 am and told me she was going to get groceries. At around 11:30 am I finally got out of bed and dressed up for a late brunch with my beautiful wife. I went to the kitchen and found her drinking a glass of water. I smiled and said “Back so soon honey?” She didn’t reply, just smiled as she sipped on her water. Before I could approach her, the doorbell rang and I immediately went to go see who it was. I opened the door. Yes, it was my wife, back with all the groceries. “Oh help me with all of this will you?” she jokingly snapped as she put down the paper bags by the door. As soon as she saw my color drained face, she knew something was wrong. She sat me down, got me some water and I told her what happened. This time it was in broad daylight, and I knew what I saw. As much as I had come to adore her beautiful green eyes, for the first time, I saw in them a strange fear. My wife was the strong one, never afraid. She told me there is something she should have told me a long time ago. She said this happened to her as a kid, a lot. Where her parents and siblings would see her in places they knew she wasn’t. They could never explain these occurrences, but seeing as it caused no harm, they came to live with it without really questioning these encounters.

It took me a few months to process everything she had told me, but I started to live with it also. Like I said, my true perception of fear was monsters, not my beautiful wife. Several similar incidents happen, for instance I would see her sitting in bed, only to find her cooking in the kitchen downstairs. And in all these instances, when I would interact with this ‘entity’ that I still saw as my wife, she would smile and not say anything. I actually came to find comfort in seeing my wife all the time, always smiling, always happy, and always perfect. It is important to note, however, that in all of these incidents, there was never any overlap. Meaning I never saw her in two places simultaneously. I guess any sane person would have called out to their wife when they thought they were seeing the entity. But like I said, I found comfort in her green eyes, in her smiling face, so honestly I didn’t really care.

Then today, everything changed. My wife told me she was going to visit her grandparents who live an hour away from where we do. She invited me to go, but seeing as it was a Sunday and I just wanted to be lazy, I told her to go ahead without me. This is when it finally happened. The overlap. I was in my living room watching TV when I got up to get myself a coke. There she was, my wife again, sipping water from a glass and just smiling. I was so used to it by now, knowing this was the ‘entity’, I smiled and said “And it is nice to see you are still watching over me!” She smile and continued to look at me with those beautiful green eyes I had grown so fond of. That’s when the phone rang and I turned away from the ‘entity’ to pick it up. “Hey sweetie, I’m going to run a little late since granny insists on me staying for lunch!” It was my wife, and as soon as I heard her voice, I heard a glass shatter, which my wife on the phone also heard. I turned around and saw that the ‘entity’ was now glaring at me, the smile no longer there. But rather, a very disturbing grin. She was pointing at me, with her head tilted at a perfect 90 degree angle. But that wasn’t what disturbed me, it was her eyes. They were no longer the green that I found so much comfort in. They were pitch black, like those demons in the movies. I stared at her as I was at a complete loss of words. “Honey, is everything ok? Did you drop something?” my wife asked on the phone. I whispered back into the phone “I didn’t, she did…….” At this point my wife screamed into the phone “HANG UP AND LOOK AWAY!!!!” I don’t know how I found the strength to do so, but I did exactly what she said. When I opened my eyes a split second later, she was gone. Confused and scared, I called my wife back who said she was already on the way “It shouldn’t have happened, it shouldn’t have overlapped, they said it wouldn’t……..they said she was harmless………”

I am too scared to just sit around and wait, I still keep looking over my shoulder. My wife should be home anytime now. As soon as she gets back I will ask her who she meant by “they” and what the hell is going on. She knows something and I have to know what it is. Never did I think that the one I hold so near and dear to my heart, the one who protects me, could become the monster that I fear the most.

3

“Health is first and foremost. Recently, my health was so bad that it was difficult for me to sing, so I changed my diet and gained 5kg. Before I go to bed, I think back and go over what I ate that day. If I feel like I’ve eaten too many high-calorie foods, then I tell myself that’s enough for today, and I should eat less tomorrow. It also motivates me to exercise. Also, I was able to fix my unhealthy eating habits and life patterns through ’Get It Beauty’. I learn a lot from the unnies.” - Luna, f(x)

I thought I was getting better
I had started to take care of myself
Then the crushing weight of reality crashed down on me
That feeling in the morning of being glued to the bed
Being too sacred to face the world
Not wanting to have to face another day
Everyone has been asking me what I do with my time and I am too ashamed to tell them what is going though my mind lately
I wonder why I am here?
Why should I go on living?
I worry I am just a parasite and the world would be better off without me
I feel as if my existence is draining resources that could be used on a better human being
I went back to trying to bleed my problems out
Those thoughts of dying still came back
Now I have these cuts all over my wrists to hide again
I am lost and confused
I wish I knew what to do next
I put on my make up, fix my hair and find a cute outfit to wear. While doing this I can’t help but remember all the times I did this before our dates. Now, I’m about to go on a date, with someone new, someone who isn’t you. My heart feels like someone’s squeezing it and my minds wondering if this is a good idea. Should I cancel? Should I run away? Should I go to your house and tell you how much I wish I was still with you?
Instead, I just sit here. I sit here and think about all of our dates. The dates where we snuck around in the backseat of your car, went and “watched” movies, cuddled in your bed and played games. But I just have to tell myself that moving on is best, and it’s what you told me to do.
-I’ll always love you, even if you don’t love me

I just found myself singing ‘Style’ to Floppy Cat but I mixed up some of the lyrics because she has been next door.

went something like this.

“Midnight. Your coming home like its your dinner time.

Long time. since you’ve been home here in this paradise.

Come in the door. its been a while since I have even heard from you.

I should just tell you to leave coz I know exactly that you’ll leave but I watch you go around here on this bed.

(left the chorus the same so I could belt it out)

So it goes. you cant keep you wild self home with me.

Comes back home. lights are off she’s meowing right at me.

I say I heard. that you’ve been out and about with some other human.

she says what you heard is true but I cant stop thinking about your warm bed.

I said I’ve been there too a few times. (COZ ITS MY FUCKING BED)

(chorus)

Just stay at home.

Just stay at home.

Yeah just stay at home.

(chorus)

I never run out of food.

I never run out of food.”

I was actually amazed at how well I did.

taylorswift what do you think?

can you guys please reblog so she sees?!

There is something very strange going on with my wife...

This is my first post on nosleep, but I feel you guys should know about this. If you want to get to the ‘meat’ of the story, you can skip ahead to the 4th paragraph. Growing up I always feared monsters. Even in college, which most would consider to be the time when you can be called an adult, my greatest fears were the monsters under my bed, in the closet or at the window. I would always tell myself how silly this was seeing as I was an adult at this point and I was still afraid of something I knew did not exist. That was until……. I met my wife. But before I tell you what happened, let me elaborate on how I met my wife to be and how much she means to me.

I met Natalie in college. I was a nerdy guy, yet she saw in me something that no other girl in my life had. She was an extremely kind person, who always had the sweetest of intentions. As I spent more time with her, I realized how many things we had in common. To me she was the most beautiful girl in the world. I could stare into her green eyes for the rest of my life, and that’s what I chose to do when I proposed and we finally got married.

Fast forward to married life, I am working now, while she is working on an online masters degree. Life is good, life is actually perfect, too perfect. Ever since we got married, I’ve told her everything, my deepest secrets, my deepest feelings, and most importantly, my deepest fears. I remember when I first told her about my silly fear of monsters, at first she laughed it off. But over time, she noticed how I would sometimes shiver in bed, lying awake in fear. Being the sweet heart that she is, she would hold me, and tell me it would be alright. My wife became my protector, she became the one to keep my fears in check. Her face became that of an angel to me, one that would protect me from whatever scary things life had in store for me. I came to trust those beautiful green eyes, and every time I saw her, I knew I was safe.

Now to the more……weird things that have been happening of late. The first incident that I can recall that could be defined as strange happened at 3:00 am one night. I woke up feeling extremely thirsty, and being the fearful guy that I am, grabbed the flash light to go get some water. As soon as I turned on the flashlight I noticed my wife wasn’t in bed. I looked over to the bathroom and the light was on and I could hear the water running so I assumed she was there. Half asleep I walked downstairs to the kitchen and almost had a heart attack when I saw my wife standing in a corner drinking water. As soon as I saw her though, I felt safe. She smiled at me as she sipped the water from the glass. I was too tired and I mumbled something about how hot it is as I got some water. She continued to smile at me as I finished my water and headed upstairs. As I walked back upstairs I called out that she should come back to bed seeing as it’s so late. When I get back to my room, there she was, sound asleep. This was the moment I became wide awake. I could have sworn she was downstairs having water. Afraid to go back downstairs, I woke her up and told her what happened. Half asleep, half upset, she comforted me and told me to go back to bed. The next morning she joked about how I’m so afraid of the dark that I see her everywhere as my protector. “Besides, I was using the bathroom when you thought I was out of bed” she claimed. With that warm smile, how could I think otherwise?

Keep reading

believe my parents are controlling of me and i really dont know what to do about it. im like 21 fucking years old and they treat me like im 15. theyll read my texts if i leave my phone around them, i have an early curfew, i can never go out by myself, if im on my computer theyll always ask what im doing, they tell me when to go to bed or when to eat, if i am talking to a guy its suspicious to them or if i say i want a boyfriend theyll lose they shit and lecture me, my dad doesnt even want me working and wants me to financially depend on him instead. i practice a different faith than my mom and she cant leave me alone about it shes just pissed that i dont follow the same faith as hers. they never care about my decisions, mental wellbeing, and what i want for myself they literally tell me i should always listen to them and my life will be all fine. my dad wants me to go to grad school in miami and what i should even study cause he plans on moving there one day so he wants me to live with him. i really dont want that, like i got my own plans and dreams, but i cant say anything or he’ll go fucking nuts. I CANT FUCKING DEAL WITH THIS SHIT NO MORE it fucks up my depression and anxiety disorder which btw my parents think is a joke. i really dont know any other option than just move out but i am not financially ready for that. im stuck man, the hell can i do??

i. i hug you tight and you don’t question your body for feeling the warmth of mine. you believe you deserve me and you hug me back tightly.

ii. we become one and we don’t dread the process to being. we are ready for everything else, including the poems that say that we’re meant to be apart.

iii. we know what to do with this love.

iv. we’re always together. even when we’re miles and miles away from each other, we’re always together.

v. you call me love and i allow myself to let it complete me. i’m not afraid. i don’t see any reason why i should be.

vi. the only lie we tell each other is “goodnight” because we know that we both don’t want to go to sleep. not when we’re not together, not when our beds have empty spaces.

—  i.v.c., Concepts