[sobs on the floor]

The Turkey Story

 So it’s 2001, and my family drives from fucking California and like three blizzards to get to Ohio for thanksgiving, becuase my grandparents are moving into a nursing home and it’s their last holiday in that house.  So its a bit bittersweet but ultimately a good thing.

Since it’s their last holiday there, the family pulls out all the stops when it comes to dinner, all the Russian desserts come out, as does the Lethal Bacon Mashed Potatoes and the horrible candied yams dish because not all expressions of love are good, even if they are sincere.  In the spirit of going all-out, Uncle Bobby smokes a Turkey.  

Uncle Bobby started cooking as a boy scout by tossing foil-wrapped potatoes into a campfire and has been addicted since, and now has a hand-made smokehouse in the backyard where he makes various cured meats and other delights.  He seasons the turkey in the traditional manner, but he and grandpa have a shared passion for a spaicier mesquite-style bird, so Bobby makes a Cornish Game Hen seasoned that way, for them.

Then Bobby has a Brilliant Idea.  He realizes that he can stuff the turkey (once it has been smoked) with regular stuffing, and there is still plenty of room for him to put the game hen inside THAT, and stuff the game hen becuase why not?  He confers with Mom, and she explains how to cut open the turkey so there’s  dramatic reveal as the stuffing and game hen come out.  It’s Genius.

Except, of course, that my Aunt Sue is attending, Uncle Cliff slouching after her.

So the day of the dinner, tensions are running a bit high, between the marathon cooking, the kids all being trapped indoors due to aforementioned blizzards, and Uncle Cliff deciding that the best way to amuse himself is by hiding from the adults in the basement, getting drunk and rambling about how various ethic groups were destroying America.  Being that I had close Muslim friends that were leaving the country becuase of 9/11, I was near tears from this nonsense and ready to fight a man roughly five times my size.  

Sue, for some reason, keeps coming down and defending him, or telling us we’re rotten children for ‘attacking’ him, becuase she Must Stand By Her Man, even if her man is a hefty bag of feces with an ugly mustache.

My sister eventually bolts upstairs to tattle and my grandfather limps down to the basement and brandishes his Hip-Bone Cane, hands rock-steady in spite of the Parkinson’s slowly taking over him.

“Firstly Cliff, It may not be my roof much longer but while you are under it you will be civil, or I’ll beat your skull in.  Also, dinner’s ready, everyone go wash up.”

We go upstairs and sit down, and do the traditional “Name one thing you’re thankful for” as the bread gets passed around the table, and things calm down a bit.  Bobby brings out the Turkey and everyone goes OOH becuase it’s really pretty, them Mom carves it open so that the stuffing spills out dramatically along with the game hen and there’s an appreciative gasp all around becuase it looks cool.

Only Sue KEEPS gasping, in utter horror, before getting up and clasping her hands to her face ala Edvard Munch and shrieks-

“OH MY GOD IT WAS PREGNANT!”

We all stare at Sue.  We all look back at the fully-dressed-cooked-and-stuffed birds that in no way had any internal organs in them or ever gave live birth. Then we all looked back at Sue, trying to figure out where to begin but since she’d been trying to justify Cliff’s behavior she was pretty much free-associating conspiracies and scandals now, and just kept going.

“IT WAS PREGNANT MY GOD WE’VE COMMITTED AN ABORTION WE’RE ALL GOING TO HELL FOR THIS, I’M SO SORRY JESUS-” She goes into full pearl-clutching gibbering horror at this point and falls back into her chair like it’s a Victorian fainting couch only it’s a shitty chair from the Eisenhower administration so it collapses and she slams into the floor, sobbing and kicking her feet like a toddler.

Everyone watched for a moment before my Mom sighs heavily and starts carving and serving the turkey while my grandmother mouths “she’s not coming back”.   

Cliff, reactions delayed by about six beers, finally notices his wife is on the floor and tries to pick her up, falls on his ass himself.  They are assisted by Dad, who is saintly patient man and less immune to this jacknapery at that point. I am stuffing dinner rolls into my face to keep from laughing at this grand spectacle and it’s not working.

“I CAN’T EAT IT, I REFUSE TO PARTAKE IN THIS BARBARISM-”  Sue begins but Dad puts on his best Kindly Father voice (he went to seminary school long enough to learn that before getting drafted but that’s another story) and assures Sue that she need not eat, or even be in the room if she wants.  She nods, placated by being the center of attention again, and Dad goes in for the kill.

“I wouldn’t want you to go hungry.  Can I make you some Eggs?”

“That would be lovely.” Said Sue, joke flying over her head like a boeing 747.  I recall watching my grandmother nearly choke to death on the green beans over that, and everyone pointedly trying to avoid talking about anything poultry-related while Sue sat there and ate the most ironic scrambled eggs in the history of mankind.

Shortly thereafter, Cliff threw up in the sink and they went home, and the party got underway properly, with Grandpa raising a toast to Mom and Uncle Bobby “For marrying well, for a change”

“Pregnant Turkey” has been an Ohioan thanksgiving staple since then.  I’ll see if I can hit Uncle Bobby up for instructions but if you decide to make it 1. you HAVE to shriek “OH MY GOD IT WAS PREGNANT” when you carve it open, or it’s not authentic and won’t taste as good 2. Share the pictures with me.


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9

moodboard  ↠  the otp to rule all the otps ♡ jem carstairs and tessa gray (modern times + future (◡‿◡✿)

tessa herondale carstairs,” he whispered. “you should never worry about borrowing my name when you know that you can have it to keep.”

“we have time to do everything,” he said, tracing one of his fingers down the side of her face. “we have forever.” 

(insp.)

The White Dress.

This story is about my friends MIL, and her wedding. Strap in guys, this is a wild ride in which I did THE THING that got me banned from any of her family functions. (Plus a few threats of dismemberment and bodily harm)

A good friend of mine from university was getting married! They had been a couple since Junior year of college, through her 2 years in the peace corps and currently her return to this continent. 6 years in total. She had been to all manner of family functions and always came back with a strange story about how she thinks her MIL secretly hates her. But she being a very quiet and sweet person pushed those thoughts aside.

Point 1: She is vegetarian and jewish, husband is not. She was invited and went to Christmas dinner and figured she would just eat sides, as well she brought a vegetarian casserole. MIL, after knowing her for THREE years, and being told by husband a few weeks before about not to forget friend doesn’t eat meat…proceeded to put meat in every dish. Friend drank water and ate her casserole the whole night while MIL cried to everyone that friend was so rude for not eating her cooking.

Keep reading

My Secret Session Story.

On October 6th (the day after I got my wisdom teeth out) Taylor Nation Dmed me about a top secret event I was invited to. As soon as I read that I knew I had to go no matter what, I fell on the floor, and I was sobbing. On October 8th I got a call from Taylor Nation, and they told me it would be on October 18th in Rhode Island. Even though that is so far away from Ontario, Canada my parents were still so supportive and said we would go. Btw an hour after the call Taylor came on my livestream and just wow.

I then went out and bought a really cute outfit, and kept it a secret from everyone, and couldn’t sleep for the whole week.

Once the London Secret Session happened, I knew that’s what I would be attending too. And I once again started crying. Every time I thought about what would happen on October 18th I cried.

Finally on October 17th we began our 10 hour drive down, and I just listened to Taylor the whole time (I should’ve done homework, but like…) and it was so fun!

Then the day came…

I woke up early, walked on the beach and explored Rhode Island. Then I got ready for the night!

At around 2:40pm we drove to the meeting place, and got all checked in and got our wristbands and everything. I also met up with my online friend Akhila who was also invited!!!

Then we all got in these cars and drove up to TAYLOR SWIFTS HOUSE. The gates opened all dramatically and I began sobbing!!

HER HOUSE IS BEAUTIFUL!!!!!

We then went into Taylor’s kitchen and ate food, I went out on her balcony and talked to Scott (he gave me so many guitar picks), I met Andrea, Austin, and Tree as well! They were all so kind.

The food was amazing, I ate so many of the rep m&m’s.

We then gathered into Taylor’s living room, they closed the blinds, dimmed the lights and the session began. (((WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SECRET SESSIONS STAYS IN THE SECRET SESSIONS)))

Lemme just say that the album was absolutely amazing, the best one yet. Taylor was in her chair dancing and singing along the whole time and looked around at all of us. She made eye contact with me so many times, and smiled at me, and danced with me, and I cried so much. I was so freaking close to her and she looked so beautiful and she was soooooooo happy.

She looked flawless, and her happiness radiated to all of us.

(((more stuff happened here that I can’t talk about))))

Then we went into another room and waited to meet Taylor.

During this sessions she wasn’t rushed, she took her time with everyone, and it was supposed o end at 9:15 but I was there till 11:30.

I went into the room to meet Taylor, and she hugged me so tight. She knew my name (she said it wrong but she knew how to spell it so it was all good, and then she said it 5 more times the right way lol). She was even more gorgeous that close up, I couldn’t believe what was happening, yet she was so easy to talk to?

We talked about how amazing the new album is, I said that Red was my absolute favourite but Rep took the #1 place and she was like “LOW FIVE, HUGH FIVE!!!”

Then we talked my livestream she watched, and how I couldn’t find my cat. And she said she’s seen me online so much but I used to be more tanned ahahah.

She kept complimenting my outfit, and stroked my choker saying “I love it it’s so delicate” and how my shoes matched my skirt and my choker matched my nails, so she proceeded to touch my nails.

She said she loved how energetic I was and that I was dancing with a childlike joyfulness the whole time!

At one point I was like “you’re gorgeous” and then she tapped my arm and said “YOU’RE GORGEOUS” and later she said “you’re an angel” so I tapped her arm and said “YOU’RE AN ANGEL” it was so cute.

Then she asked what type of pose I wanted to do and I said “I was thinking like two best friends just chilling on the couch” and she was like “OHMYGOSH YESSS DO YOU WANNA HOLD A GRAMMY????”

So we started talking about the Grammy I was holding which was aoty for 1989 !!!!!

Taylor was like “yes that’s the new baby.”

On the way over to the couch I stumbled and the couch moved and she was like “oh don’t worry I do that all the time.”

Then we sat on the couch, she threw her legs across me with her amazing black boots, and she cuddled me as I held the Grammy!!

Then she was like “Halley’s mom!! Do you wanna hold the Grammy?”

So we took another photo standing up with my mom, and I hugged her as my mom held the Grammy.

Then I thanked her for everything and told her I love her.

And she was like “I love you, you little fashionista” and did a little dance.

Then I walked out of that beautiful house, got a bag of merch, and went back to my hotel room.

Then Taylor came on my tumblr and liked soooo many posts and reblogged one and just the day couldn’t get any better.

The amount of joy I felt for the whole night was absolutely amazing. Nothing can ever compare. It’s safe to say that it was the best day/night of my life and I will cherish it forever.

I can’t believe Taylor wanted to meet me, invited me into her home to listen to her new album, and knew about me!?!?!

October 18th 2017 will forever hold a special place in my heart.

  • fanfic: you walk in to see him cheating on you, crying your eyes out he finally notices and jumps up "Y.N! it isn't what it looks like!" you cry more as the blonde skanky skanky bitch smirks at you "it's exactly what it looks it looks like" you run out of the house and jump into your car, hightailing it out of there, you never got to tell him you're pregnant with twins, his twins, and now you'll never get to tell him, you won't allow him to be in their lives, a couple days later he shows up at your house and before you can slam the door he walks into the house "get out" you angrily cry "Y.N! listen to me it wasn't me, i was being possessed by a demon and had no control over anything i love you" smiling "aww" you squeal you jump into his arms kissing him "i have to tell you something" you look him into the eyes as he speaks "i only have two days to live" you sob falling onto the floor-
  • me: God damn