[cartman voice]


South Park Voice Actors!

Matt Stone: Kyle Broflovski, Kenny McCormick, Tweek Tweak,  Craig Tucker, Butters Stotch, Pip Pirrup, Stuart McCormick, Gerald Broflovski.

Trey Parker: Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh, Clyde Donovan, Jimmy Valmer, Timmy, Randy Marsh,  Mr. Garrison, PC Principal.

  • Fushimi: I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and the thing is, I love you.
  • Yata: What?
  • Fushimi: I love you.
  • Yata: How do you expect me to respond to this?
  • Fushimi: How about, you love me too?
  • Yata: How about, I’m leaving?



This has to be about the most atrocious thing I’ve ever made

Torturing Tweek 2

Cartman: Welcome back my fellow torturers. As you know last time we scared the fuck out of Tweek with a lame old skeleton. Today we’re gonna take it a step further and convince him that his house…is actually haunted. Check this out.~

Tweek: Hnngh..not the lights again. Is something wrong with our electricity or HOLY JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

Tweek: C-Craig? K-Kenny is that you? Fuck the power….

Cartman: *creepy voice* Tweeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkk~ You’ve insulted the spirits that live within these walls. For that you must PAYYY!


shortstackedkyman  asked:

#40 and Kyman for the dialogue prompts, please? :)

Sure! Thanks for the request, dear.

40. “I never stood a chance, did I?”

send me a dialogue ask!

Emotions were puddled inside of his head, stirring relentlessly against the truth.

Eric Cartman clenched his fist. The evening was a romantic slur, couples dancing across an otherwise boring gymnasium. Colors of red and ember were blending in his vision, and when he stared off into the center, recognizing Kyle by the way he wore his stupid tie, he resigned.

Kyle looked fucking good. His hair was combed and the lavender mixed with a black tux was almost too charming. Close to him on the dance floor was someone who also wore a purple hue - Bebe. Cartman couldn’t remember who asked who, but a sick part of himself knew it was Kyle, and he couldn’t fathom why he’d want to ask her. Her blonde hair reached her waist and Cartman wondered if is smelled like vanilla.

Kyle loved vanilla.

Cartman brought his punch to his mouth and considered going out and dancing with Butters, but the bastard was talking to Stan and Wendy near the concessions. God, did prom suck. He latched his gaze back towards the couple and almost spit his drink when he found Kyle looking first. His skin grew cold. Kyle could make a room freeze if he wanted.

Those green eyes. Kyle could have killed Cartman, but there was no way in hell Cartman would acknowledge it.

He averted his gaze and focused on the decorations. Who has a Hawaiian themed prom in Colorado? He blamed Wendy for this shit, her being in charge of the setup and all. Glancing towards them at the table, he watched Wendy laugh for something dumb Stan must’ve said. He clutched his solo cup at the sight.

He broke out of it when he heard someone walk towards him. He knew it was going to be Kyle from the way he walked - like he actually knew better than anyone else here. That egotistical, righteous, dumbass…

“Hey, Cartman.”

Cartman turned towards Kyle and looked him up and down. He felt something shiver but pressed his legs further together. It’s just his outfit, fucking calm down, you spaz.

Jew.” Cartman said. There was no longer a bitterness involved with that nickname. Both boys had grown up with them, like scars on the tissue. Kyle made a little grin, like he was already mocking Cartman for being alone.

He glanced at Cartman’s drink. “You like the punch?”

“It’s too plain.” Cartman muttered. “I prefer something with more jump.”

“And you really expect someone to spike it?” Kyle said, rolling his eyes. “That only happens in movies.”

“How the hell does it only happen in movies? I know Craig did something with the lemonade during Homecoming, so don’t give me that shit.” Cartman almost caved to smile when Kyle laughed.

“Aren’t you going to dance?” Kyle asked and Cartman could feel his heart flutter. He licked his lips and looked down at this cup.

“People never go to dances to actually dance. That’s school events 101. Most people are coming here to get laid.“ Cartman started tapping his shoe. He couldn’t actually act nervous, now.

“So where’s your date?” Kyle asked. “Maybe she left as soon as you guys got here - you know, sensing the ‘getting laid is Cartman’s priority’ Schick.”

“You’re hilarious. When Bebe tells you she has a UTI and can’t commit, don’t come crying to me.”  Cartman smirked, downing the rest of his drink. He really wouldn’t have minded some Absolut with this bitch.

Kyle gave Cartman a look of uncertainty. He rubbed the back of his neck.

“Oh. Yeah, guess you’re right.”

Cartman cocked an eyebrow. Why the hell would someone like Kyle Broflovski actually take that at face value?”

“Come on, Jew. Don’t get sand in your-”

“You wanna dance?” Kyle interrupted. Cartman could barely feel the sweat building up on his hands.

“…how you go from a girl getting a UTI to asking me to dance is something I’m very concerned about, how do these thoughts go through your head?” Cartman laughed, his anxiety clogging his head and making him want to pass the fuck out.

“Are you really saying I don’t have a chance?” Kyle said, his voice raised. Cartman pulled back, his eyes wide. What?


“Forget it. It’s obviously not worth it if you don’t care.” Kyle started walking away before Cartman coughed.

“Wait, come on, Kyle! I’ll dance with you if you stop acting weird.”

Kyle turned back and narrowed his brows. He grabbed Cartman by the wrist and took him to the center of the floor. Cartman hadn’t danced with anyone in a long time, and he figured Kyle would tease him. He wished his skin could cool down, he wished that he could rationalize himself. It was probably pointless.

Kyle put his hands on Cartman’s shoulders and Cartman flushed. They were strong hands, like the kind that could carry the universe and still have room to breathe. Cartman looked down at Kyle, saw him smiling, and started to feel sick. How was this a reality?

“I don’t know what you’re doing with your hands, but it might be better to…” Kyle stuttered.

The idea that he was just as nervous made Cartman feel invincible. So, Cartman put his hands on Kyle’s waist, and they swayed back and forth like dancing wasn’t as important as the mere intimacy. Cartman could feel Kyle pulling him closer. The smell of vanilla was strong, and Cartman sighed.

He loved the smell of vanilla.

Eric Cartman Head-Canons (So Far)

Eric Theodore Cartman


  • Reputation is extremely importantto Cartman and he’ll pretend like he doesn’t care, but what other people think really affects him. It matters.
  • Cartman develops this insane laugh that just brings a smile to everyone’s face. He could be laughing at his own joke that no one thinks is funny at all, but the second he starts laughing like that, everyone would laugh too. This has often led to Cartman thinking he’s funny all the fucking time, which is NOT always true. » Even though he is kinda funny.
  • Liane is usually gone since she’s not home most days when Cartman’s supposed to be at school, and she never really says when she’ll be back. Cartman ends up alone in the house with Mr.Kitty a lot, so he’s used to being lonely.
  • Cartman hates being thanked. If he does something selflessly for someone, it is NOT to be acknowledged. He thinks it fucks with his reputation and downplays it when someone tries to bring attention to it. Plus, it’s fucking embarrassing when people get mushy around him. …Unless it’s Kyle.
  • Cartman has some definite mental issues. He’s gone to therapy countless times, which often led to many early retirements and a few suicides of some really respected professionals. Cartman doesn’t think they WOULD have helped anyway, and having such results makes it very difficult for Cartman to open up to anyone, seeing as they never understood him or seemed to make an attempt to in the first place.
  • Cartman LOVES horror movies! They aren’t much different from what he sees in his head on a daily basis, so he enjoys them and the thrill of being startled from a jump-scare. He finds it funny.


  • Cartman began lifting weights around 7th grade (after an incident with one of his mother’s stubborn clients refusing to leave and giving Cartman a black eye when he couldn’t kick him out) so he could get stronger and defend himself and his mother. By high-school he has impressive rippling biceps which he conceals under his jacket to hide the fact that he’s been ‘improving his self-image’. He doesn’t want his peers thinking he finally gave into their ridicule. He has the ‘I do what I want’ reputation to maintain after all. Fuck those other guys.
  • Cartman is 6”2 by the age of 17 and has a broad build. Has the body of a football player having his Father’s genes, but he’s still very pudgy in the middle even though his heavy lifting seriously developed his pecs and arms. He can flex and look impressively muscular, but he can’t maintain it for more than thirty seconds.
  • Cartman had his eyes replaced with Kenny’s and when Kenny came back from the dead there was a strange mutation. Now Cartman has a mixture of Kenny’s blue and Cartman’s own brown in his irises. However, when Kenny dies, Cartman’s eyes turn blue completely until the blond re-spawns.


  • I have head-canons for Liane that effect Cartman, and they go two ways. Both are very different from each other and honestly I can see both happening depending on what mental state she’s in.
  • On one hand, I see Liane being very loving towards Cartman and very discouraging if he was ever exhibiting behavior similar to hers or bad behavior in general. I see her being very coddling all the time even when he’s matured, much to Cartman’s annoyance, but at the same time connecting with him in many ways, and being proud when/if he shows any attempt at bettering himself.
  •  On the other hand, there’s been a lot of evidence in the show of Liane not only abusing substances, but Cartman as well. Physical abuse and also suggested indirect sexual abuse (Involving her clients and her son). I think there would be a definite link between her doing drugs and her personality changes. There is a definite rift in their relationship because of this.
  • Cartman cooks breakfast for his Mom on Mother’s Day and cleans the house for her and stuff, but he will ONLY do this on Mother’s Day.
  • When Cartman’s extremely upset or finds his mother in a vulnerable mental state, he’ll spend time with her by watching chick flicks together if she doesn’t have to go out, etc. When he was younger and in middle school he was usually able to manipulate his way into getting her to stay home to do this, but in his older years, he finds it very hard to persuade her away from her lifestyle choices. By sophomore year, Cartman just gave up and stopped trying.
  • Cartman and Liane have constant fights about her whoring for money and her drug abuse (addictions to crack, alcohol, and possible heroin seeing as it’s suggested that she does many heavy drugs) by the time Cartman is about 11. At first Liane is slightly more patient with her son, letting him yell and carry on about her neglect. However she gets tired of listening to his ‘ungratefulness’ eventually, which results in physical punishment that Cartman usually has to hide under his jacket and scarf from time to time.
  • Cartman absolutely despises Father’s Day and he usually stays home if there’s school to avoid obvious ridicule.
  • Cartman’s Aunt Mureal taught him how to shoot a gun when he was 6 years old.
  • Family reunions are usually a nightmare for Cartman. After his grandmother passed away, his Aunts and Uncles were bitter towards him from inheriting such a sum of money only to waste it in the way he did. Most of his cousins and Uncles are also extremely stupid. They’re heavy drinkers and total rednecks who get caught up in their own crazy antics which Cartman sometimes finds amusing. However, along with being forced off to the side with his cousins, there’s a dark secret Cartman carries with him that he revisits somehow every single year.


  • Kenny becomes Cartman’s unspoken best friend, getting incredibly close to him around 5th Grade. He always teases Kenny about his immortality, but Kenny is just grateful that someone he’s close to knows that he isn’t crazy. Cartman tends to keep Kenny sane, ironically enough.
  • Cartman and Kenny go on weekly fishing trips to Stark’s Pond, unless the water’s iced over. When that happens they usually end up making snow dicks and drinking some beers. If Kenny dies, Cartman just throws the blonde’s body into the pond. He calls Kenny a self-cannibal sometimes, considering most of the fish that they catch and eat have been munching on Kenny’s bodies for days.
  • Cartman often gives Kenny cereal to take home without any explanation.
  • Kenny becomes Cartman’s first willing sexual encounter around 5th Grade when Cartman asked for advice on how to know for sure if he was gay, and Kenny decided to give him ‘experience’. Though Kenny wanted to go a little further than the two of them actually did, Cartman still has his sights set on Kyle and couldn’t go through with most of what the both of them wanted to do. While this remained a two-way favor to Cartman, it was a lot more than that to Kenny who ended up catching feelings. The blond was able to hide this well, however.
  • It was when Cartman experienced physical abuse than he was used to, that he went to Butters for help advice because he didn’t want to “end up being called a battered pussy” like him. Butters sympathized and kept Cartman’s secret, eager to help hide the bruises and scrapes that happened from time to time.
  • Sometimes Cartman will take Stan’s phone when he’s not looking and check it for any stupid freemuim apps, and if he finds any, he’ll delete them immediately.
  • In 6th grade while Cartman Kenny and Clyde were sleeping over at Craig’s house, Clyde decided it would be funny to take Stripe out of his cage and put him down Cartman’s pants while he was sleeping. Stripe ended up biting and scratching up Cartman’s testicles as well as sinking his teeth into Cartman’s hand before he could throw the rodent across the room and away from him. Craig was more concerned for his guinea pig than for Cartman’s bleedy dick, and because of all of this, Cartman developed an immense fear of rodents, as well as a deep grudge towards Clyde. He’s not as angry towards Craig, but he’ll become livid if the event is brought up in any way.
  • Sometimes Cartman still tries to sarcastically fist-bump Token, just to be a dick. Token usually replies by rolling his eyes and walking away while Cartman shouts “I was not the GUN!”
  • When Token and Nichole won Prom King and Queen, Cartman gave them a solo standing ovation and cried tears of happiness. He rigged the vote of course. It was going to be Stan and Wendy who won, but Cartman wasn’t having that.
  • Sometimes Cartman visits Chef’s grave and puts flowers there. He never stays too long, not liking the lump in his throat that he feels when he does.
  • During Freshman year Cartman was still struggling with his sexuality and feelings for Kyle. Coincidentally at the same time, Stan and Wendy had a fight right a couple of weeks before they were going to perform in the talent show. Wendy needed someone to sing with and knew that Cartman had a good voice, so she somehow bribed him into performing with her instead. They had a similar moment to when they were working on the flag in middle school and end up sharing a kiss, in which Cartman was surprised to find out that he felt nothing during it. Wendy was pretty pissed to be the reason Cartman realized he was 100% gay, but she still performed with him. They won.
  • Cartman still believes that he is Jewish when Passover comes around, but ONLY when Passover comes around. He says he’s ¼ Jewish instead of ¼ Bi, which really pisses Kyle off. Cartman spends that entire holiday with Kyle, much to Kyle’s annoyance. But after a while, Kyle began to enjoy Cartman’s company during the holiday and stopped complaining about it. He’d never admit that to Cartman though. Because of this, Cartman has also gotten closer to Kyle’s family, especially Ike.
  • Ike looks up to Cartman which Kyle desperately tries to discourage to no avail. Ike thinks everything Cartman does for the most part is “awesome and kewl” and wants to be like him someday. Cartman, while flattered, still thinks Ike is an annoying little dildo that sometimes comes up with decent ideas.
  • Every Valentine’s Day, Cartman gets Kyle a chocolate banana that says “You make me bananas!” He gets punched in the arm or slapped upside the head every single year, but it doesn’t stop him from doing it and laughing anyway.


  • Cartman has a fear of gerbils, rats, hamsters, mice, and even some squirrels if they get close enough to his lap. (Musophobia)
  • Cartman absolutely despises hospitals after he got AIDS when his tonsils were removed. (Iatrophobia)
  • Cartman has a fear of being submissive. He would have to immensely trust the person who was dominating them before he even considered letting himself be that vulnerable. Otherwise, he’d have to be in control at all times.

Trauma (Dark Past)

Ohhh boy, here we go.

Warning: I’m a horrible person who’s seen the abusive suggestiveness in South Park regarding Cartman, and I’ve come up with these possibilities. (Don’t hate me. I just have a vivd and fucked up imagination, similar to my muse <3 who I torture)

  • Liane’s drug abuse and her constant sexual escapades have taken it’s toll on Cartman’s mind. He was constantly exposed to strange people who treated him strangely and then loudly had sex with his mother at night. It was difficult, especially when Liane would fall asleep with strangers in her home and Cartman had to be alone with them.
  • When Cartman was 7 years old his mother had a short relationship with a man who went by the name of Mitch Conner. He never seemed that interested in Cartman’s mother, not as much as he was interested in Cartman. He was strangely nice to Cartman, buying him ice cream and toys to get close to him. Not having a father figure, Cartman gravitated towards the attention. He would tell people that Cartman didn’t know that he went by another name and it was very confusing. Mitch would often steal money from Cartman’s mother when she wasn’t paying attention. Cartman noticed this but kept quiet since Liane would hardly ever believe him. Mitch was a classic conman. 
  • Eventually his true intentions surfaced and he would sneak into Cartman’s room every night to watch him sleep. It escalated from their quickly. Cartman was repeatedly molested by this man on several occasions before he was orally sodomized in his closet. The morning following this, Mitch Connor was gone and Cartman never saw him again. After telling his mother what happened to him, he was told that what happened was all part of becoming a man.
  • Cartman’s Uncle Jesse is another person who has sexually abused him throughout his childhood. Worse than that, Cartman’s relatives enjoyed making their children engage in sexual activities. It’s something that has haunted Cartman for his whole life. He can hardly look some of his cousins in the eye.

NSFW (Sexual)

  • Cartman and Butters fooled around a little in 6th grade, but only for a short amount of time. It was mostly just some experimenting here and there now and again. Mostly, Cartman practiced kissing techniques on him. Because of this Cartman is very skilled with his lips and tongue.
  • Cartman owns a dildo and uses it frequently.
  • Cartman is into some BDSM and owns a few toys that he keeps in his drawer.
  • Thanks to practicing and some unfortunate circumstances, Cartman is very good at giving head. He brags about this all the time to Kyle who acts disgusted, but can’t seem to hide his blush or how flustered it makes him to hear such things.
  • Cartman enjoys rimming, but not being rimmed.
  • In bed, Cartman prefers to be dominant. However, it’s not impossible to talk him into being the submissive one. You just have to be persuasive and caring.

Hobbies/Possible Careers

  • Cartman has a hard time deciding what he wants to do with his life since he’s “super awesome and kewl at everything”, but he has a lot of dreams.
  • He wants be a cook because his mother taught him all of her recipes. Cartman enjoyed creating delicious food, so he learned his own recipes online and is quite the cook. He would love to be on television as a world renown chef, like Gordon Ramsey.
  • Cartman has always been talented with a camera and can see himself becoming a photographer. He has a sharp eye for color and shadows. Taking pictures is very calming for him.
  • Cartman is also interested in becoming comedian because of his wit, humor, and stage presence.
  • His smarts and charm could also make him a very successful business tycoon,
  • Cartman loves to sing and does so every opportunity he can, being the little show off diva that he is. He’s addicted to his favorite bands (especially Styx) and show-tunes galore. He really enjoys rap music as well. But not reggae. Fuck that hippie shit.
  • Cartman kills it at karaoke. Every time. He’s just a performer at heart. Sooo dramatic. He would be amazing in a Broadway role or as an actor of some kind.