[*farts loudly*]

The Szechuan Riots Prove It

Rick and Morty has failed as a piece of media. Not because it didn’t have a good message, not because it espoused abhorrent views or failed at telling its story and developing its characters. It failed because it cultivated an audience that was fundamentally opposed to hearing what it had to say. If you’ve baked a cheesecake whose most vocal proponents are people with lactose intolerance who consume your product and then walk around farting loudly and shitting everywhere because of your cheesecake, you’ve failed as a baker. If you’ve written a show that subverts archetypes of bad ass loner rebels who are withdrawn alcoholics by making them canonically terrible people but your most public fans dress up as that character and stab other people, you’ve failed as a writer.

I DON’T think this is the fault of the writers - Rick literally has said multiple times that he’s terrible, that he’s reprehensible and that he shouldn’t be looked up to. The writers have done everything to make this point clear to the audience up to literally opening a season by having Rick talk directly into the camera and saying “I’m the villain, I’m the bad guy and if you knew me I would hate you and would abuse you until you hated me too and then I would destroy you. This does not make me enlightened or cool - it makes me pathetic, and if you look at me with anything short of animosity, disdain and pity, you need help and should call this mental health services line.” I’m not confident even this would work.

The audience has made Rick and Morty a failure and it has proven to me unequivocally that the archetypes the show works so hard to subvert are themselves unsubvertible. You cannot have a character who is a “compelling depressed man of tremendous power who is irreparably broken and only grows into a worse person as he finds new opportunities to disappoint those who value him” because the people who most need the sorts of stories such a character can impart stop paying attention after the word ‘power.’ The people that understand the message you’re relaying already know it.

Anyway, that’s my Rick and Morty hot take and I regret it instantly

Real Things that I've Said to my Service Dog in the Past 72 Hours

Are you peeing on my leg? Yes. You just peed on my leg.

You don’t get a treat if you took it away from me and then brought it back. That’s not how this works.

Why are you sitting like that?

Please don’t lick my nostrils.

“Leave it” includes flies.

Good. I’m glad the fly gave you hiccups.

You do not need your own pillow.

Did you just fall off the bed?

Me talking about you does not mean that I was talking to you.

You cannot eat things off the ground just because you are “off duty”.

*I set something down*
Do not pick that up.
*Bucky brings it to me anyway*

I am blowing my nose not crying but thank you for the comfort anyway.

That went really well aside from you farting very loudly when the cashier complimented you.

I asked for your leash not shampoo but good effort.

My epic list of casual curses

A few months ago, someone broke my heart by dumping me for another girl.  In my sadness, I unleashed an outpour of 86 casual curses on my facebook wall as a way of venting my feelings.

Here is that list.

May you bite into a big chunk of garlic so your mouth feels funny for the next few days.

May a condom commercial come on tv while you’re in the room with your girlfriends dad.

May you stub your toe on every piece of furniture in your apartment.

May you over-salt every meal you try to cook.

May all of your pillows smell of feet.

May your toast always burn, and may no amount of scraping remove the black parts.

May your pen leak all over a drawing that was coming along really well.

May your teeth become very cold-sensitive.

May your mailbox be clogged with advertisements.

May you clog the toilet the first time you go to a new friends house.

May you always have an unsettling feeling of bugs crawling all over you when you’re trying to fall asleep.

May you always step in a funky-colored liquid after putting on socks.

May your ice cream always be frost burnt.

May every vending machine eat or reject your dollar.

May that “silent” fart come out surprisingly loudly.

May you develop erectile dysfunction.

May you step on a d4

May every toilet seat you sit on be either uncomfortably cold or uncomfortably warm.

May the elastic on all of your underwear give out.

May you always have a zit right on the inside of your nostril.

May you always have to pee while a cat is sitting on your lap.

May your next-door neighbor buy a set of bagpipes and practice every night until 4 in the morning.

May your favorite sweater shrink in the dryer.

May you get busted for illegally downloading something.

May you always have that feeling of having to sneeze.

May you fart in the middle of making out with someone.

May all of your favorite shows and movies be removed from Netflix.

May you get an un-hideable hickey right before you go visit your grandmother.

May there always be a pebble in your shoe.

May you spill your drink in your lap so it looks like you peed yourself. May this happen right before a date.

May your significant other forget your birthday.

May you run out of toilet paper, paper towels, and kleenex, and then get food poisoning.

May you always lose your chapstick.

May a flock of noisy geese start hanging out right outside of your bedroom window.

May the delivery guy always forget your drink.

May you take a giant drink of milk right out of the carton, only to discover its gone bad.

May your cup runneth over… with hot coffee.

May Autocorrect punish you.

May you always overdraft your bank account by like a dollar and have to pay a stupidly large fee.

May you find something really gross in the bottom of your cup of coffee after you’ve already finished it.

May you be the one to discover that there is a hole in the oven mitt.

May you step on this ungodly hybrid. (picture of a lego with a thumbtack stuck through it).

May you have an unforgivable Freudian slip.

May your roommate get addicted to a really irritating song and play it constantly.

May your most embarrassing tumblr post go viral.

May you be cursed with ingrown hairs that look like herpes.

May you suddenly become uncomfortably aware of your tongue.

May you get the hiccups during a phone interview for a job you really want.

May every surface you touch be sticky.

May your acne never go away.

May you always die in a video game just before you reach a checkpoint.

May your life develop a laugh track.

May your laundry always come out of a dryer a little bit damp.

May your favorite book be adapted into a terrible movie.

May you get a blister on the side of your pinkie toe.

May the spoon fall into the bowl every time you eat soup.

May you have to close every open tab because you can’t figure out where the music is coming from.

May you slice your finger while cutting up a lemon.

May you hit every red light.

May that unreachable spot on your back always itch.

May someone set the child censorship thingy on your netflix account.

May the YMCA song get stuck in your head for the next six months.

May all of your exes suddenly get really really hot.

May you develop a persistent itch on the inside of your nose.

May netflix cut out on you every few minutes for the rest of your life.

May you always get called in to work on your day off.

May you never find a job in your chosen field.

May your name become synonymous with the word “asshole” in someones circle of friends.

May all the cheese and toppings fall off of your pizza.

May you suddenly become lactose intolerant.

And gluten intolerant.

May you always think of epic comebacks two hours after an argument.

May your water heater suddenly crap out in the middle of winter.

May every table or chair you sit on/at have uneven legs.

May you never find a comfortable sleeping position again.

May you accidentally send a sexy text message to your mom.

May you always wake up two minutes before your alarm goes off.

May your roommate suddenly develop a habit of chewing way too loudly.

May every book or TV series you ever watch get spoiled.

May every selfie you post for the rest of your life get zero likes.

May the barista always give you decaf by accident.

May you always burn your tongue on your hot chocolate so you can’t even taste it.

May a bee fly into your mouth while you’re biking.

May someone always flick a cigarette butt into your can of soda. Even if nobody’s in the room with you.

May all of your favorite videos on youtube get deleted.

May you always end up in the line for the slowest cashier.

I hope that from here to eternity, every time you try to download something, your computer crashes when its at 99%

The moral is, never cheat on me.  And feel free to use any of these in your everyday life.

Day Eighty-Four

-Organizing children’s clothes, I find myself filled with great sorrow as I come to terms with the fact that I will likely not live to see the end of the Minions’ relevancy.
-An older man asked why anyone would purchase pants that were already worn out. His wife told him that it was simply the style this spring. I am glad to see that she is staying on top of everything.
-A toddler demanded that his parents let him try on a pair of gloves despite their persistent attempts to explain that they were too small. Once they gave in, he found himself stuck and immediately began to shout that the gloves were broken. Today has been a learning experience for us all.
-Parents continue to use me as a threat to their kids, saying that I will verbally and physically abuse them if they do not behave. Parents continue to make me uncomfortable.
-Three teenage girls roamed the store with a fart gun. They loudly discussed the idea of running up behind me and making it seem like I farted to everyone around. They then, with all the subtlety of a Scooby Doo villain, snuck up behind me to a respectful distance of ten feet, panicked as I turned around to look at them, blew the butt horn, and ran off giggling. These masters of mischief truly pranked me hard and well this evening.

shinee has a bbq

onew:

  • the bbq dad
  • his parents sent them so much meat
  • maybe too much meat (taemin: no such thing) 
  • “don’t be rude, eat the food”
  • wearing socks with his slides so sparks will not burn his feet
  • waves his tongs a lot
  • flicked an onion in key’s face (”ACCIDENT I SWEAR ukno…. my condITION” / key: *muttering* first my gucci, now this)
  • eating meat straight off the grill and is burning is mouth but can’t stop won’t stop (shinee: pls stop)
  • pink hello kitty apron

jonghyun:

  • keeps chanting gogi, gogi, gogi (meat) and banging his fists on the table
  • getting progressively more hangry
  • gnawing on cucumbers (taemin&onew: gross)
  • hates the sound of foil and is wincing every time he hears it scrap
  • standing on the picnic table bench (key: he likes to be tall) 
  • dipping perilla leaves in gochujang (red chili paste) and shoving them into his mouth (minho: hyung…. that looks too sad also we won’t have anything to wrap the meat in at the rate you’re going)
  • next to onew while he’s grilling like ahhhh~ 
  • by the time they sit down to eat he’s full………… but he’s eating a bit still to avoid the “i told you so’s” 
  • but they told him so 

key:

  • flapping a paper plate over the food so that the flies don’t settle on it (taemin: *noped out SO hard*)
  • when he wasn’t paying much attention, bc he thought he could TRUST his MEMBERS, onew popped a clove of garlic in his mouth (onew: haha! finally my revenge!!!!! / key: you’ve held onto this grudge for 7 years?????!1! r u srs)
  • for some reason always downwind of the smoke coming off the grill EVEN when he moves 
  • instagrams their food / gathering (”everyone look like they’re having fun~”)
  • brought corn and gogoma (sweet potatoes) to roast as well 
  • kimchi and gogoma yum 

minho:

  • chasing after all the flying napkins 
  • ”MUST NOT LITTER!!!!!!!!!!!”
  • piled his plate with so much LA galbi (short ribs) and proceeds to demolish it all, eating with his hands 
  • it is truly impressive 
  • chases taemin attempting to wipe his fingers on him 
  • jk uses one of the many napkins he’s rescued
  • after he’s done, downs a cup a cider in one go 
  • burps loudly (key: aigoo your sneezes and burps are you going to fart loudly too?? / minho: don’t test me kibum) 

taemin: 

  • staring raptly at the grill and everyone is choosing to believe that he’s watching the meat cook and not the fire underneath
  • brought an entire jar of kimchi 
  • srsly he can’t not have kimchi when eating it’s a given????
  • kind of takes over grilling bc he insisted on flipping the meat and now onew’s standing next to him like who am i, where am i 
  • balling up the paper from his chopsticks and throwing it into the fire (minho: stop that / taemin: ok)
  • now he’s poking the coals with his chopsticks (minho: stOP it)
  • being threatened by cucumbers and is yelling a lot

Suddenly I’m not so sure/That intentions can be pure
If I could just throw if all my doubts into the wind
I think that they’d come back again

no non ononono what is this, oh geez

why can’t I hold all these weird ships and self indulgent AUs

farts loudly !!!!!

omg Idk if someone has already pointed this or not but I’m watching the talking dead after ep 9 and Nicotero just said 

“they have nowhere to survive, they’ve lost two people in the group, and the lost of those two people really has a significant impact on our group”

if beth is really dead shouldn’t he have said three?? because bob, beth & tyreese??!?

the losers club as things said at my camp

richie: guys i know it’s very hard but can you please stop staring at my butt

mike: (at three am) if i was a farm animal i would be a pig named chris p bacon who belonged to a rockstar and would go on tour with him and get really good belly rubs (stan: why the fuck have you thought in such detail about your life as a pig)

ben: *talking really passionately about the symbolism in moana for 15 minutes*

bev: my uterine lining is DUMB THICC and yes ladies that is with two c’s

bill: okay real talk; do midgets have the same sized dicks as we do? (stan: can we remove richie from ‘we’? because i feel as if he brings down our group average)

eddie: my first instagram username was ‘eddieluvsunicorns7’ and i forever regret changing it

stan: honestly? if i see another minion in this godawful town i’m going to do a triple backflip off of the matterhorn

bonus:

henry: *farts really loudly* you’re welcome :)

betty ripsom: WHO THE FUCK STOLE MY CROC AND IS TRYING TO GET THEIR ASS BEAT

Written as a part of an event - stereksecretsanta

for lovely @whatthehellisahoechlin

Title: I Hate You!

[Read on AO3 here]

Tags - Highschool AU, Teen!Derek, Growing up together, Friends to Lovers, Truth or Dare, First Kiss.

******

“You know you love me…I know you care…

A sudden strangled noise beside him made Derek snap his eyes open. He huffed out an angry breath, pursing his lips, irritated at the interruption.

It was Stiles. Stiles with bulging eyes, a red face and a hand clamped on his mouth. He was struggling to keep back his loud snort. Derek shot him a piercing glare, trying and failing to find his rhythm again.

“Just shout whenever…”  Derek grated out, hissing at Stiles. “…and I’ll be there…WHAT?

“Bieber? Really Derek-” Stiles choked, laughing as if he had lost his mind.

“You got a problem with that?”

Stiles jerked away from a snarling Derek, huffing out – Whoa, raising both hands in surrender. Not even a beat later, he shot a shit-eating grin at Derek.

Derek hated him.

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

Child keeps looking me right in the eye and farting. Loudly. Every time I come over to help. Mother says nothing. I know farts happen but please don't fart at me. Do you teach your daughter any manners?? The words "oh excuse me"?? Please stop farting AT. ME.

you, having quit eating dairy: i’ve never felt better in my life
me, an unapologetic sensualist, shoveling gouda into my mouth and farting loudly: its unfortunate u believe that

Imagine Dori taking it upon himself to attempt to teach you to be a proper court lady

Dori: lass you are holding the tea cup wrong.
You : * looks at Thorin rather confused * what does it matter?
Dori : if you are going to be the future queen you need to behave like a proper court lady
Thorin : Dori one of the reasons why I love her is because she doesn’t act like one of the court ladies.
Dori : you might but the other members of court won’t.
You : then fuck em
Dori : but you need to~
You: *interrupts him* wanna know what I think of that? *starts farting loudly and aggressively *

Originally posted by cestpasfaux24601