laurenlizardman  asked:

Have you ever fostered a kitten or been caring for a cat that was just really stupid? Just absolutely fucking stupid. Like the stupidest cat

let me tell you about Kiki. 

When I was 7 years old and at the optometrist, I was what’s known as a Little Shit.  I didn’t sit still.  I didn’t want to read the letters.  I didn’t want to do anything except go home.  Eventually, my mom bribed me with a kitten.  A PERSIAN kitten, freshly purchased from the extremely shady pet shop directly across the street.  It worked like a charm, I’m sad to say, because I’m extremely vulnerable to kittens.  tbh, considering the way my mom was looking at those kittens, she would have bought one anyway.

My dad says that she always did have a weakness for dumb animals.  “It’s why she married me,” he always says.  Anyway, this is a story about a Very Dumb Cat, not Heterosexual Hilarity Hour.

This kitten weighed about a pound and I suspect 75% of that was fluff.  She was smokey grey, had a perfect little nose (she was what’s called a doll-faced or traditional Persian.  No pug faces here!), and had the IQ of a hammer. 

I mean this with all the love in my heart, but you could just look into those eyes and absolutely KNOW that there was nothing going on in there.   It wasn’t even a case of ‘no lights on upstairs’.  There wasn’t even an upstairs.  There wasn’t even a ground floor.  There was just NOTHING going on in there. 

Kiki didn’t understand some simple concepts—-stairs, for example.  She never figured them out, even after 7 years of living in a house with stairs.  Her preferred method of locomotion was to cry very loudly until someone carried her where she wanted to go.  One could argue that this was, in fact, very clever of her.

Please don’t give her the credit.  It was pretty clear that she was simply confused about how stairs could go up AND down at the same time.

TBH, she never figured out how to get onto furniture either.  She was fully capable of jumping and playing like any other cat, but it seemed as soon as she had to THINK about something, everything else shut down.  Like… one day, I was playing with her and a piece of string.  She was delighted and jumping and playing.  Just normal kitten stuff.  Then she decided she wanted to sit in my lap instead.  I mean, i SAY “decided”, but it could’ve just been a passing air mote depositing the idea in her head.

The point is, she abruptly forgot how to jump onto furniture.  She forgot how to JUMP.  She just kinda sat there and stared at me for a few seconds before starting to cry.   She was actually pretty distressed by it and didn’t stop until I picked her up for a cuddle.  Thankfully, she seemed to forget it pretty quickly.  No room for anything besides the moment, I guess.

She also never grew very much.  Even as an adult, she barely pushed 3 pounds.  She also had a serious dental issue.  Her canines stuck straight out horizontally.  They weren’t very big so they didn’t push past her lips or anything, but it was the most baffling thing her vet had ever seen.

I loved that dumb animal.  She was a very good girl and I miss her.

The Votes Are In

The People Have Spoken

And The Kereru has been crowned Bird of the Year

This Unit, this Absolute Chunker, now takes his rightful place as the God-King of New Zealand

His first decree: Be Large, Eat Fruits

truthful-grizzly  asked:

Pukicho,share with us your wisdom

Don’t let your lasting impact on this earth be fossilized as a negative one. Be kind, and that kindness will be immortalized within the human condition, culture as a whole will live on with your kindness resonating within itself.