'u gotta be shitting me bring him in'

HOW TO TREAT UR BITCH RIGHT: PART 2!! A Guide by Tamlin of the Spring Court

Oh shit waddup my subjects! So after I had made my bestselling PART ONE, my guy Lucien came to me during my manly pedicure (or MAN-icure as i call it) and said “Yo Tam that emo guy just clapped back!!” and HERE is tha proof.. 

Now look fam.. I got a real gud temper––my bitch Feyre can tell u that… but that shit was straight up bothersome. So I’m gonna make a Part 2 on how to treat ur bitch like I treat mine. She will luv u!

  1. Ok ok so like since u a man, u dont like 2 plan parties?? GET UR BITCH A HIGH PRIESTESS! My bitch Feyre got one named Ianthe, she’s sexy af and can plan hella raves.. 
  2. BUY UR BITCH HELLA PRESENTS!!!! This is so important. Like u will get laid so hord my brotha… But if she don’t like them, its ok. Just blow up. Like explode. She’ll realize how grateful she is!!
  3. Let’s say ur bitch had a fake ass Mating bond on her.. yo hit me up, I got a guy for that
  4. When u and ur bitch are at parties, ignore her. She’s so beautiful, she’s praktically decoration. And u don’t want ur bros bein like “Wow Tamlin, ur bitch is such a Bitch.. she thinks she can just go up and talk to us.. smh” Like your bros come first because they are ur bros.
  5. Fill ur house with sentries. Bitches love sentries. Just don’t make them 2 fine.. they tryna fuk!!
  6. oh my god ok so if that same fukin BAT come into ur MANOR at NIGHT to try to get UR BITCH.. go savage. go beast mode on him.. I didn’t and i regret it.. tragik ://///
  7. Speaking of which.. be sure to have hella security at ur wedding. Or get ready for a BAT-tle. OOH IM THE HIGH LORD OF PUNS BITCH
  8. U NEED UR SPACE MY DUDE! Don’t let ur bitch into ur man cave!! Even if she seem lonely.. she just playin hard 2 get she still love u tho
  9. Never forget: UR BITCH LIVES 2 SERVE U. You are her High Lord. Ain’t no such thing as a “High Lady” smh 
  10. .. unless u get ur Lady high lol

And now a message to Rhysand… Yo. Rhyses Pieces.. R-Sandy.. Tha Illest Illyrian.. We used 2 be brothas… then u killed my Brothers… and took my bitch… u leave me no choice..

Im gonna fight u, u punkass moth. 

BAM! That will shut him up… Thank u for reading, dont forget about this year’s Tithe comin up real soon!! Bring ur fam-ily to Tammy-T with all ur be-long-ings… shit i bust rhymes!! My guy Lucien back here jammin!! No trust me he is. 

Well I gotta go have mad sexytimes wit my bitch Feyre now, becuz we definitely still have those, see u later! 

bearceptionus  asked:

hi hello can we please consider crosbeauty!sidney and his initial shyness when dating geno!? geno cannot figure out why this wonderful man doesn't want to meet his friends- does he not like geno enough!? meanwhile sidney feels anxious about meeting these jock hockey dudes and the ramifications for geno. sidney has gotten way past feeling ashamed about himself, but he gets the oppressive sports culture and doesn't want geno to face any discrimination/bullying. terrible communication -> cuddles

Sidney is editing a video in bed and Zhenya is lying down by his side, forehead pressed into his boyfriend’s hips as he scrolled through his phone before he falls asleep. He likes the quiet when Sidney is working, when all he hears is the clicking of Sidney’s mousepad and Sidney’s concentrated face, biting his bottom lip as he tries to finish “at least 60% of the video, G. Or I’ll fall behind.” Sidney is a hard worker and extremely dedicated, and Zhenya never fails to marvel at how he keeps falling in love with Sidney more and more each day.

Then Zhenya gets a flood of messages from the group chat.

Olli: hey im really single and family skate is next week…….help
Justin: I thought you were bringing me??????
Flower
🌸🌸: yeah olli I thought you were bringing Justin

There’s some more bickering in the middle, and then Zhenya scrolls to near the bottom, the more recent ones.

Phil: G, u bringing ur bf to family skate??
Tanger: yeah when are we meeting this guy? What’s his name?
Flowe
🌸🌸r: SSN?
Hags: Are they a Libra? They’re more compatible with your shit personality
Hags: Sorry but gotta say it
Jake: is he a twink
Jake: am I using that right
Jake: olli is laughing at me why is he laughing at me
Jake: doesn’t it mean pretty????

Keep reading

another unnecessary dabihawks au; wrong number in canon timeline ft unrealistically oblivious and jealous dabi

  • its hawks fault
  • bc obviously ofc it is
  • he thinks hes messaging rumi
  • ‘hey rumi so I might have a boner for a villain’
  • dabis just chillin in the villains hideout when he sees it 
  • and proceeds to fukcing choke 
  • “hawks has a boner for a villain?? who could it be other than me omg im the one he spends the most time with!! but wait..what if its not me? fUCK”
  • bc hawks has already met the league at this point
  • so it could be anyone 
  • so dabi types out
  • ”im intrigued”
  • hawks is immediately suspicious 
  • because
  • rumi would have said
  • ‘spill the tea sis’
  • so hes confused as to who tf stole her phone
  • then he gets another message
  • “think u got the wrong number tho’
  • the dawning realization that this is dabi
  • the villain he has a boner for
  • hits hawks like a motherfucking truck
  • ‘shit sorry ignore this bye’
  • “nah fam u gotta tell me bout it now
    which one of my colleagues r u cheatin on me with babe?
    I thought we had smthn :((”
  • hawks is highkey freaking out now
  • like bitch whats he supposed to do
  • and he wonders if he should try to dig himself out of this hole but instead he just bullshits his way through the conversation 
  • bc thats what dabi brings out in him
  • he just says whatever comes to his mind
  • with dabi its just so easy
  • so he texts:
  • ‘im sorry but ur boss is so hot I cant resist him’
  • “shigaraki wtf r u kidding me”
  • ‘yeah man his minecraft skills just turn me on’
  • “but baby im so good at t-posin :((”
  • he called him baby oh my god hawks is dying
  • ‘ur good at posin in general lmao but ur fortnight dancing needs work ,, but his?? so sexy goddamn’
  • “you are joking though right pls tell me you dont actually like the handyman”
  • ‘yeah ur right I dont’
  • “who is it then”
  • ‘damn look at the time i gtg bye’
  • ok so dabi can see that hawks isn’t gonna tell him
  • but hes confident in his abilities of working shit out
  • ”call me sherlock dabi holmes cause im gonna solve this case”
  • hes determined, stubborn and in love
  • aint nothin gon get in his way
  • so he makes a list of who it could be
  • “I can cross off toga bc shes a kid”
  • togas out
  • “spinners cool and hawks gets along with him…??
  • but wait hes an actual lizard hawks wouldn’t fuck him hes not a scaley”
  • spinners out
  • “and shigaraki’s already out thank fuck”
  • “kurogiri is like an actual dad so not him”
  • “hes just crossing people now
  • till its just
  • “twice”
  • “…oh fuck that just leaves twice oh my god hawks has a boner for twice”
  • dumbass thot didnt even think about himself
  • smh
  • so hes like convinced now that hawks likes twice
  • its like this huge realization for him except its wRONG
  • it makes no sense twice has his pitiful crush on toga
  • but this bitch doesn’t think
  • hes just like “hawks is so fuckin gr8 that I bet twice likes him back”
  • so he thinks theyre gonna get together and be a couple and he will die
  • hes mournfully moping around
  • and hawks has no fucking clue
  • hes just chillin with the villains yknow joking around with the gang in the hq, sitting around in kurogiri’s bar, doing shots
  • but all dabi can see is hawks laughing at twices jokes
  • *pitiful internal dabi voice* im funny why doesn’t he like me
  • and hes wallowing in his misery 
  • gets up to leave bc he cant handle it
  • hawks, confused: where are you goin? :((
  • dabi, holding back tears: oUT
  • and then he decides 
  • that he has to give twice the shovel talk 
  • as a fellow ‘in love with hawks’ person 
  • to protect hawks’ honor and to get closure
  • god its physically hurting me to write him this obtuse jesus hes so fucking stupid
  • and he goes up to twice and just pulls him aside and twice is like what and hes like
  • “listen man. this is hard for me,, but I want you and hawks to be happy, cause you’re my friend and i love you man-” * twice, automatically* ‘love you too m’guy’ “-and I-*chokes back a sob* -i love him”
  • twice ‘wtf bro’
  • “I get that you’re in love with him and as much as it aches me to admit to you…. he loves you too…”
  • twice, who has been one of many witnesses (including rumi and toga) to hawks’ woeful, thirsty rants about dabi’s ‘face’ and ‘his piercings’ and ‘his abs holy fuck jin
  • ‘dabi what the actual fuck are you on about’ 
  • but dabis on a roll now he aint stoppin for nothin
  • “and I want you to take care of him for me, because he deserves the world and more than I could ever dream of giving him. hes so sweet and hilarious and god he looks like a fuckin’ angel in the sunlight-” 
  • ‘dabi.’ 
  • “-and he loves sunsets and he goes flying in the mornings and eats his eggs scrambled and-” 
  • dabi.’ 
  • “-spends days on end locked up in his apartment eating nothing but kfc when working on hard cases-” 
  • dabi’
  •  “-and his eyes are like honey and his smile is like sunshine I swear-”
  • twice: dabi he’s behind you
  • “what”
  • twice, helpfully: right fuckin behind you!! and damn hes been there for a while man
  • dabi squeezes his eyes shut against the onslaught of inevitable pain incoming
  • shuffles around slowly
  • opens his eyes tentatively and immediately winces
  • bc hawks is right there
  • lookin pissed yet so so sexy
  • “hi hawks”
  • ‘hey dabi are you in love with me’
  • *wailing internally* “y-yeah”
  • ‘oh cool cause im in love with you too’
  • “wh-mmf!”
  • and hes kissing him
  • and dabis just frozen and disbelieving for a moment before hes kissing back
  • and theyre just makin out for a while and when they pull away twice has left, as everybody would
  • dabi, deliriously happy yet confused as fuck: I thought you were in love with jin 
  • ‘what the fuck gave you that impression’
  • “you said you had a boner for a villain and I went through everyone it could possibly be-”
  • ‘except yourself am I fukcing right’
  • “oh”
  • ‘yeah oh’
  • “so you like me?”
  • ‘no I hate you-yes i like you asshole’
  • “oh sweet I like you too”
  • ‘oh yeah i heard!! what was it you said?’
  • “oh fuck no pls”
  • ‘smile like sunshine? was that it?’
  • “please stop”
  • ‘I look like an angel huh?’
  • “yeah you do”
  • *blushing* ‘ur not allowed to be honest’
  • “dont tell me what to do”

was this an excuse to make dabi be pining and sappy and wax poetic abt hawks? yes it was if you have a problem fukcing fight me

every ml fanfic
  • adrien: I must not call mari princess omg
  • marinette: i'm gonna bring up chat noir but omg i met him once or twice we're not rlly close bffs ahhh
  • adrien: I have to leave @ 5:00 because i'm a model i have model things to do
  • adrien: wow mario you're so fun!! must not call u princess tho even though U REMIND ME OF LB WEIRD
  • mari: screaming
  • adrien: 0 shit it's 5:05 crap gotta go get yelled at
  • gabriel: u disapoint me as per the usual
  • adrien: idgaf i am in luv bye