The above requests have been added to the queue! Let’s have a quick chat about them!
Anon #1: YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN!!! People are never burdens! You are an entirely unique person, unlike anyone else and the people who love you are lucky to have you in their lives. You are irreplaceable.
Anon #2: YOU CAN DO THIS!!! People with chronic illness are the most hardcore badass of people. You are proving your awesomeness by fighting every damn day, and I know you’re going to fight just as hard tomorrow! I believe in you and in your strength!
Anon #3: It’s going to be okay, friend! My brother found his first girlfriend at 32, and they are super happy. It was never that he was unlovable, it just took him longer than it takes others and that’s okay, because everyone is different. You deserve love and you will find it when the time (and the person) is right!
Anon #4: Your friends aren’t better than you, I promise! They can’t be, because you’re fucking awesome! If they’re moving on from you, that’s not your fault. You deserve true friends, who will continue to love you and care about you, regardless of whether you’re succeeding in the same ways they are. (Also, you are not a failure. Failure is a thing that happens, not a thing people can be. What you are is awesome!)
Can we just talk about chubby Alex and how Burr and Bell love his body despite Alex's body image?
This is my shit.
In my mind, Aaron and Bell are both taller than Alex, more broad shouldered with a little more muscle. So when Alex borrows their clothes, they don’t really think anything of it, figuring that Alex just likes to be comfy and they think he looks cute in their clothes; the sleeves long and the material hanging off of him.
But the main reason Alex wears Bell and Aaron’s clothes is cause they make him feel small. When he finally tells them this, that he’s never been 100% comfortable with his body, Bell and Aaron are shocked; Alex always seems so confident. But then they realize how dumb //they’ve// been, remembering times Alex has started to voice his concerns. Small moments where Alex has skipped dessert or not wanted to join Bell and Aaron on their morning jogs, saying he’d just slow them down. Bell and Aaron never thought much about those moments before, never thought Alex was struggling with self image.
So they all sit down together, and Bell and Aaron let Alex voice his insecurities about how he has never been skinny, about how somehow he just feels awkward in his skin or uncomfortable and worries that Bell and Aaron don’t find him attractive.
Then Bell and Aaron immediately tell Alex that no, of course they find him attractive, they love him, and would love him in any form. But Alex still isn’t convinced, says that he knows they love him, but that doesn’t just magically make his insecurities or doubts disappear. And he tells them that he honestly hates intense work outs, that he doesn’t want to do more than his weekly gym visits, and that he doesn’t want to diet because it’s difficult and to be honest not satisfying at all. He just worries what other people think about him.
Then Bell stands up quickly, grabbing three pieces of paper and three pens. He tells them all to write down what they’re insecure about. Once they’re done, they read them all out loud. Bell doesn’t like his hips and is insecure about the stretch marks on his inner thighs; Aaron doesn’t like his stomach. When Alex hears these, he blurts out that he loves those aspects of Bell and Aaron and then Bell smiles at him, saying that they love all aspects of Alex too.
Alex reads his list, and with each insecurity mentioned, Bell and Aaron lean over to kiss those parts of his body, making all of them laugh when Aaron pulls Alex over so he can kiss the back of his calves. Pretty soon it just turns into a big cuddle pile, and Alex feels a little better about himself.
Over the next few weeks, Bell and Aaron make sure that they tell Alex that he’s beautiful, and even though Alex scrunches up his nose, knowing what they’re doing, he also starts to accept that they mean it. He knows that they’ve //always// found him beautiful, but it’s nice to hear it.
Bell even drags Alex out shopping, saying that new clothes always help him feel better. The first trip doesn’t go well, Alex worrying that clothes don’t fit him right and getting upset when a certain size is too small. The next time they go out, Aaron comes as well, and he brings Herc too, who understands how sizes work and what clothes will hit Alex in the right places. He even offers to tailor things for Alex, explaining to him that a lot of clothing isn’t made to fit most body types, and that certain alterations are usually necessary for anyone who doesn’t fit the “norm” of idealized body types.
It takes time, but Alex slowly starts to get more comfortable in his skin. He doesn’t feel a need to hide anymore, or a need to change his body. It’s something that he’s come to love, and he’s proud of himself. And of course Bell and Aaron have been there to support him the whole time, and Alex loves them for it. He loves that he has two people who love him for him, no matter what. And they prove that to him all the time, whether it’s by showering his body with kisses or by telling him with words.
And sometimes telling him with words makes Alex blush more than the kisses. They’ll all be lying in bed wrapped around each other when Aaron will rest his hand on Alex’s stomach, murmuring in his ear how much he loves how soft Alex is. And Bellamy will run his hands up Alex’s thighs, whispering that they drive him crazy when Alex wraps them around him, that he loves being able to grab Alex’s hips and squeeze them.
All of the words make Alex dizzy, but it also lifts him up so much, and even though he still has bad days, he knows that Aaron and Bell will always have words to make him feel better.
Clothes shopping is a really weird thing for me.
Because on the one hand I’ll see women of all shapes and sizes trying on and buying clothes and think: “yeah, you look great! Who cares if you have a tummy or whatever, that [garment] looks awesome on you!”
And then I’ll try on clothes or even look at them and it’s an internal: “oh my god, why are you even looking at this? It would never fit you and it wouldn’t suit you any way. The fuck are you trying to prove? God you just make this place less fashionable by being inside it. You gross piece of shit, just forget trying to look nice and leave. For fuck’s sake you don’t belong in here. Nice clothes are for attractive people. Not gross lumps of shit like you.”
It’s really tough.
And it’s not even in clothes shops. Looking at clothes online, that is a constant internal monologue.
It’s tiring to be constantly berating yourself when you see all the things everywhere telling you to love yourself, and you can’t even do that. Not even a little bit. Because it seeps into every aspect of your life that self hate and self loathing poisons everything.
And people wonder why I live in jeans and refuse to be photographed.
I can’t even look at my reflection in a mirror or window.
I love your blog! I have a question/request that might be of use to some of your other readers too... I use a lot of the images you post to try to inspire my wife. She is a beautiful woman but is wracked with negative thoughts about her own body - and no amount of me loving her seems to fix that. Any advice you can offer from a female perspective on how I might help her? She thinks I'm just being nice/supportive but she really is gorgeous!
I do get this question a lot! It warms my heart to see so many partners care so deeply for the other that they want to improve their self confidence and body positivity. You are doing everything right, but unfortunately, no matter what you say, body love comes from the inside. She has to believe it herself to hear what you are truly saying. It takes years of rewiring your brain to undo the damage of growing up in our society. As a bopo fat woman, I still have times when I cannot accept a compliment or believe when someone says I’m beautiful. It is internalized in us since our childhood. What I can say, is that your wife can change her mindset. But it will take time and education. I would suggest showing her bopo blogs like mine. Suggesting books like “What No One Tells a Fat Girl” or “I Do it with the Lights On.” Also, make sure she reads these on her own will. Do t buy it for her, don’t force her. It must be her decision. Most of all, keep loving her the way you do. It means so much to her, whether she believes it or not. Your support and love is needed. Even if she never loves her body, which I hope this does not end up being the case, you have done a great thing and helped her as much as anyone could. Let me know if this helps! 💜 Much body positivity love sent your way
I'm tired of people praising my weight loss. At the beginning of the year I was so sad and depressed that I barely ate for 3 weeks. This created a chain of events that led me to lose 10kg and now I feel better, but people glorifying it makes me sad
Oh my god, I know EXACTLY how you feel. People are so quick to conflate weight loss with health that they will literally praise unhealthy eating habits just to encourage the continuation of weight loss.
Just a few months ago, I was talking to a classmate of mine and she complimented me on having lost weight and when I pointed out that I actually hadn’t lost any weight (in fact, I’m pretty sure I had gained a pound or two), she became somewhat hostile and told me to just accept the compliment, as she didn’t make a habit of giving them out. I was so surprised that I just accepted it without thinking, and immediately spent the rest of the day being hyper aware of my appearance, studying myself in every possible reflective surface, and I regressed back into restricting how I sat or stand because I didn’t want to look too fat.
I didn’t even realize what I had regressed into doing until a few days after the fact, and I had to spend the next several days forcing myself to stop. All because of one small comment.
People need to realize that by glorifying any and all weight loss to the point where they feel comfortable commenting on the weight of others is dangerous and often drives people to do very unhealthy things to themselves.
Diet and beauty culture thrive on guilt. Guilt over that delicious dessert. Guilt over that dress size. Guilt over those wrinkles. They teach you guilt and then they sell you the solution. Please, never feel guilty for existing. You are allowed to eat. You are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to age. You are allowed to exist in the body you have right now without spending all of your time, money and self worth to change it.