(Some of the language and themes are a little mature, and for some of them, I don’t even know what the joke I’m trying to make is. Enjoy!)
Makoto Naegi: I’ll vote for whichever presidential candidate promises to release Dunkaroos back into the market.
Kyoko Kirigiri: I like to call everyone that I find slightly annoying a ‘sociopath’.
Byakuya Togami: If you like Talking, you might also enjoy Shutting Up. It’s like talking except you don’t fuck up everything all the time forever and ever.
Junko Enoshima: Whenever I feel like my life sucks, I remember all the people less fortunate than I and it makes me laugh and I cheer up immediately.
Mondo Owada: My mom said I can be a tough guy now if I want to. HELL YEAH!!!
Mukuro Ikusaba: I just ran over my dog with a shopping cart. April Fools! I don’t know whose dog it is!
Kiyotaka Ishimaru: If you don’t give a fuck about the law, let me hear you say fuck the police! If that seems oversimplified to you, let me hear you say it’s a really tough job and they’re doing their best!
Aoi Asahina: When life gets you down, make a comforter!
Chihiro Fujisaki: Why is there a young boy living alone down the lane? Who signed this boy’s lease? Am I the only one concerned for this little boy?
Sakura Ogami: I know it’s bad, kid. I got your back, kid.
Yasuhiro Hagakure: Art is a lie, nothing is real.
Celestia Ludenberg: Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no fucking sense make.
Leon Kuwata: There’s something about her, I just can’t describe it…tits.
Sayaka Maizono: I love all of you in a deeply vague and shallow way.
Hifumi Yamada: I wanna have a daughter…I wanna have a daughter…so I can finally have someone around the house who can fit their hands in a Pringle can!
When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.
Genocide Jill: Why is it that when a woman wears revealing clothing, she’s labeled a “slut”; yet if I were to wear her skin as a jacket, I’m a “murderer”?
Hajime Hinata: Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.
Chiaki Nanami: I know very little about anything, but what I do know is that if you can live your life without an audience, you should do it.
Nagito Komaeda: I masturbate ‘cause I’m the only one whose standards are low enough to FUCK ME.
Akane Owari: I’m bored way too easily. I’m staring at screens half the day. I need to be overstimulated.
Kazuichi Soda: Good girl in a straw hat with her arms out in a cornfield….that is a scarecrow. I thought it was a human woman. Sorry.
Sonia Nevermind: Who needs a thousand metaphors to figure out you shouldn’t be a dick?
Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu: I can’t grow a beard. That one’s not ironic, that one’s just…sad.
Peko Pekoyama: The world is not funny. We are all dying. The world is not funny. 12% of the world’s population does not have access to clean drinking water. The world is not funny. Guy Fieri owns two functioning restaurants. The world is not funny.
Gundham Tanaka: You’re afraid of sharks? Really? They don’t even have bones! They have cartilage. Are you afraid of ears too?
Ibuki Mioda: I met a homeless man named Rich. He wasn’t. Isn’t that terrible?
Nekomaru Nidai: Be brave. Be yourself. Never change. Never learn. Never take any criticism. Die alone. Go to heaven. Don’t let god tell you shit.
Hiyoko Saionji: Hey, if you guys are having a good time, make some silence!
Twogami (SHSL Imposter): We thinkyou’ve changed, bro.We knowbest.Yousuck.
Mikan Tsumiki: Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.
Teruteru Hanamura: I saw a gorgeous……………..dick.
Mahiru Koizumi: You think your dick is a gift, I promise it’s not!