I'm Eating Your Patio Furniture

As someone who has operated live CCTV cameras:

3. Please keep your shirt and pants on

Me

propaganda of the forced birth movement

https://myanetwork.org/

[translation of tags: "but they don't buy yuris????? ffs the sexism in france is unbelievable"]

i love headcanons. i love the entire concept of headcanons. i can point at a character and go "that guy has chronic pain" and now he does. what are you going to do? tell me im wrong? its My head, fucker

historical accuracy in fics is so funny to me. googling if they had grapefruit spoons in 1845 but also letting two men get married. fuck homophobia, tell me about cutlery.

reblog this to put a leaf on your mutuals head

Zombies shouldn't growl or snarl, they should babble a mixture of incomplete word sounds and whole words or sentence fragments. Every zombie should sound almost but not quite like it's trying to tell you something.

Shipping isn't trying to explain why a relationship is actually canon. It's not even trying to explain why it should or could be canon. Shipping is saying "wouldn't it be funny if these two fucked" and everyone needs to remember that.

and sometimes it's "wouldn't it be fucked up if these two fucked"

I present:

“is it ok for mutuals to dm u” there are some mutuals i’d fuck if they asked come on now

the bad news is that my mom was sad that her eggplants haven’t been growing; however, it turns out that the reason her eggplants haven’t been growing is because her eggplants were actually spinach. The good news is that her spinach is growing very well. She was also sad that her peppers haven’t been growing either, but it turns out that the peppers were actually eggplant. And I’m happy to report that the eggplant is also growing very well.

great at gardening, horrendous at botany

"womanizer" is one of those words that should mean something other than what it does.

example "i'm a womanizer. i see a guy and i womanize him."

"acab includes fandom police" "acab includes bossy people" "acab includes-" no it doesnt. no it fucking doesnt. there is a way for you to express your disapproval of a group without equating it to the government sponsored institution that loves to torture and kill black people

[Image Description: A series of 12 images with drawn bunnies on them.

Image 1: A white outline of two bunnies on black background. One bunny is much smaller than the other. Big Bunny says "I love you little one. More than anything". The text is white.

Image 2: The POV has shifted to focus on the smaller bunny. It has a pink outline of heart on it's chest. Small Bunny asks "Even this part of me?". "This part" is colored pink. Big Bunny says "Oh… darling…"

Image 3: Big Bunny has shifted into a red wolf. It looms over Small Bunny, which is quivering in fear. Wolf Bunny says: "… I love you. That isn't part of you. Not really". The text is colored red.

Image 4: Wolf-Bunny has it's maws positioned around Small Bunny's neck. It says "In fact. I'm quite certain. You'd be happier. WITHOUT IT"

Image 5: Small Bunny is lying prone with blood seeping from it's neck. The pink outline of it's heart lies next to it, ripped in half.

Image 6: Small Bunny is running, still bleeding, with half it's heart in it's mouth. The bottom of the frame, the direction it's running toward, is colored green while the rest of the background is still black.

Image 7: Small Bunny is now colored fully pink. It's sitting on green meadow, there's bright sun visible on yellow sky, surrounded by clouds. It's very peaceful.

Image 8: Close up on the Small Bunny. It's eyes are closed and it looks calm. It's heart, still broken but healing is visible on it's chest. It's fully colored now.

Image 9: Close up on the Small Bunny's ear, moving as it reacts to sound. There's a black and white text coming from the side. It says "You know… this is hard for me too."

Image 10: The Big Bunny is now visible on the scene. It's still just a white outline, sitting inside small black square in the middle of the colorful meadow. It says "You never want to talk anymore. And I'm always afraid you'll get angry with me if I use the wrong word for one of your… colors."

Image 11: Close up on the Big Bunny. The screen is filled with the black background. The bunny is crying. It says "This isn't you. I shouldn't have to learn about it to love you. Can't you come back inside where it's safe? Can't you leave that thing out there? I miss you". The words "This" and "That thing" are colored pink.

Image 12: Two text are one on the other on black background. The white text on top says "I miss my kid". The bigger, red text underneath it says "I miss who you pretended to be to please me"

End Image Description]

english's pronunciation rules are absolute bullshit poopoo made up crap but one of my favorite side effects of this in written english specifically is like. altering the spelling of a word in such a way that it's technically pronounced the same. but reads very differently when your eyes go over it in written form. and that sort of dissonance between the proper spelling and the altered spelling producing the same basic sounds in your brain creates an unprecedented level of comedy.

ingredience. creacher. both of these are pronounced essentially exactly the same but the altered spellings are just hilarious for some stupid reason. the english language is a disaster but at least whatever is wrong with it is REALLY funny.

I bet octopuses think bones are horrific. I bet all their cosmic horror stories involve rigid-limbs and hinged joints.

To an octopus, a human is like a thinking being with blood-stained coral growing inside it.

I need to sit down and breathe into a bag for a while.

Its parts were obscenely limited in their movement. Each hinge could open or close only a small amount before reaching its limit, yet by working in concert they demonstrated unexpected dexterity, moving and manipulating the objects before it with cunning equal to my own. It was more torso than limb, as though a seal had been stretched and warped, given long grasping tentacles filled with bones like bars of coral.  It’s head was most horrid of all, flat and ovoid, jutting out too small from the trunk as though it belonged to a beast half its size.

The thing rose upon its lowermost appendages, two long trunks that ended in flat, protruding flippers that branched into stubby, grasping mockeries of a sucker. It’s triple-hinged uppermost limbs were similar, but the ends branched into five smaller tentacles, each with three hinges of their own.

I froze, as the thing’s gaze fell upon me and it opened its hideous fish-jaw, filled with thick, many-shaped teeth like white shards of stone, and spoke in a shrill, discordant babble. I felt its horrid dry grip on my flesh, as those hinged appendages closed on me like the legs of a crab.

I felt the heat of its body, tasted its noxious, oily flesh through my touch, and prepared for the end, and all went black as a swoon overtook me.

I awoke, some time later, the cold and comforting water, banished back to the comfort of the sea and the dark. I should be grateful I am alive. I should cast aside the experience like a half-remembered dream.

I shall never again go swimming in search of lights above. The last thing I recall before the darkness took me was my right eye popping free of the thing’s grasp enough to see into the distance for one brief moment.

I saw thousands of lights.

ok so it turns out “horror but it’s about something mundane from the perspective of a non-human animal” fucks severely

the ghost of one specific homosexual cowboy regularly possesses Tumblr gays