I have found my people via /r/memes https://ift.tt/30SsuQv

ME! ^ (except the last one)

OK new game. Use this website to see how common your first name is, and then put that number in the tags. 

(Panshots from Piandao.org)

I feel called out.

my professor said my assignment was “late” because it was due on friday.........like phil my dude last time I checked the concept of time is dead and days don’t exist anymore

COME THRU PHIL!!!!

Why do witches like always wanna fatten kids up before they eat them?? fat is like the grossest part of meat

“Why hello there, little children~. Please follow me to my magical… FITNESS ROOM. NO P A N S I E S ALLOWED BEYOND THIS POINT. LEAVE YOUR WHINING AT THE DOOR BECAUSE IT’S LEG DAY AND WE’RE ABOUT TO GET R-R-R-RIPPE D.”

Because they’re always cooking said kids in cauldrons and ovens - aka long cooking times at lowish heat. If you do that to fatty meat, the fat melts completely and the meat gets tear-it-apart-with-a-fork soft. If you do it to lean meat, you get tiny little sad meat bits that bring no joy to anyone.

well you did ask

Also there’s wisdom in fattening them up on sweets and other carbs. A meatless, carb-rich diet makes for more tender and flavourful meat.

you are arguing over the semantics of EATING CHILDREN

Well yeah, you gotta get this shit right or it’s a waste of 40-80 lbs of meat.

plus if you feed them a high fat, low nutrition diet, they’re easier to subdue and less likely to run away, which would be a concern for an elderly crone.

Thank you, Old Witch With Candy House side of tumblr.

who else is in the “didn’t realize sheep have long tails until i was like 20″ club

Undocked unrestrained

The reason most farmers dock (cut off) the tails is to prevent fly strike, an often lethal infection of fly larvae in the rear of the sheep. Without a (VERY FLUFFY) tail for fecal matter to accumulate on, fly strike is almost completely eliminated!

there is a wide variety of similar treatments for farm animals that are entirely for the animals well being pigs get their tail curled and tusks removed as babies so they dont accidentally nip each other while playing or stab each other just walking around- even a small tail nip might be fatal once the other pigs react to the scent of blood goats/cows often have their horns removed as babies as well both for obvious reasons to prevent stabbings but also to prevent them from growing in weird that can cause pain and infection for the animal chickens and other poultry, especially pet ones or hobby farms, might have their flight feathers clipped to prevent them from flying over fences, where their life expectancy is nill outside the farm/owners enclosure

Very good and valid points but please tell me what you mean by “might be fatal once the other pigs react to the scent of blood” before I lose my marbles

Pigs are omnivores and cannibals. Fun fact if you ever have need to dispose of a body, tossing it in a pigpen will get rid of it real fast.

There’s a reason why everyone went into a full blown panic when Dorothy fell into the pigpen in the Wizard of Oz. Pigs are vicious.

does… does the same apply to living bodies…

People need to realize that there’s a difference between straight people and Straight People™

Straight person: Hey, you got a new haircut. Looks really good.

Straight Person™: No homo, but your haircut looks good on you.

In case you were confused 👌

Just like how there are white people who are gay and then there are the White Gays

White people who are gay: “I’m gay.”

White Gays: “I can’t believe I got accused of racism after calling that person a racial slur! I mean, I know what racism looks like because I’ve been discriminated for my sexuality. How is me being racist even possible? I’M GAY!”

Lmao all the angry White and Straight people in the comments, keep reblogging

neurotypical: i don’t have any mental illnesses or disorders Neurotypical™: Happiness is a choice!! ✨✨Have you tried yoga? Drink more water and eat kale ✨✨

cis person: i identify completely as my assigned gender Cis Person™: It doesn’t matter what you identify as, cause you still have Female Genitals! I’m not being offensive!! Read a book on Human Biology! 🚹🚺

men: I identify as male.

Men™: feminazis ruin everything, get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich bitch

atheists: I don’t believe in god or identify with a religion

Atheists™: Don’t fucking talk to me if you believe in God. Open your closed-fucking-minds!! (usually targeted towards Christians)

nice guys: hey I know when not to invade someone’s space and I totally respect boundaries

Nice Guys™: IVE BEEN YOUR FRIEND FOR A MONTH AND NOW YOURE TELLING ME YOU DONT WANT TO FUCK ME ???? WHAT IS THE POINT OF WOMEN IF YOURE NOT HAVING SEX WITH ME?

this post got all kinds of better since I last saw it

baby boomers: It’s really scary being past retirement age in an economy like this one. Baby Boomers: Quit whining for handouts and get a job, you special millenial snowflakes!

reblog if you’d end a date if they said they voted for trump

He’s coming to boop you

seduce me with ur history knowledge 

vikings made their woman handle the finances because they thought math is witchcraft

During a military campaign, Vlad the Impaler, the basis for Dracula, once pulled his troops out of a major engagement in a valley at dusk so that the sun was in their enemies’ eyes. Once they were over the hill, they set loose a bunch of rabid bats who flew away from the sun (towards the enemy) and attacked them, leading to significant infection in their ranks, and Vlad’s eventual victory. Because of how the bats appeared from where Vlad’s soldiers appeared to be at dusk, myth stated that the soldiers turned into bats at night, which is where the “Dracula can change into a bat” thing came from.

raphael, the renaissance painter, literally fucked himself to death

during the Ottoman Empire, the Sultan Ibrahim I had 280 of his concubines drowned in the ocean after ONE of them slept with another man.

The earths carbon levels fell by 700 million tons because Genghis Khan killed so many people

King James (the one known for revising the Bible) liked to watch women give birth. That’s where the “tradition” of women laying on their backs to give birth comes from.

Previous to that it was common for women to have chairs with holes in them and straw underneath, so they could sit on this special chair and let gravity help with the birthing process.

Spicy foods were thought to increase libido and cause children to masturbate. To prevent kids from touching themselves at night, a man named Kellogg invented the blandest combination of cereals, marketed it at kids, and called it Corn Flakes

At the Battle of Gettysburg during the American Civil War, a small group of Union soldiers had run out of ammo against a large group of the Confederate Army. In a panic, the Union soldiers sprinted at them, screaming, with only bayonets drawn. The entire Confederate Army that was present turned and ran away in fear, not knowing that they had literally no ammunition.

When the Roman Emperor Caligula went to invade Britain he stood on the coast of Gaul with his army and suddenly declared war on Neptune, God of the Sea. He had his men collect sea shells from the shore as “spoils from the Ocean”.

Oh and he appointed his horse to the senate.

During the Austro-Prussian war of 1868, Liechtenstein sent over an army of 80 people, but ended up coming back with 81 people because they befriended a guy on the other side.

People refused to send art and sculptures to be displayed at the Chicago World’s Fair because of Chicago’s history with fire. They had to fireproof the Fine Arts building to get people to agree to loan them their art. A year after the fair closed most of the grounds were destroyed by fire but the Fine Arts building survived. It’s now the Museum of Science and Industry.

The carbon emissions thing from Ghenghis Khan is not the whole story. He also planted trees wherever he conquered land because he liked trees and thought they were important. He conquered enough to make an impact on the global climate.

Radu III, brother of Vlad III( Vlad the Impaler)  nearly killed Mehmed II, the future Sultan of the Ottoman’s, after Mehmed invited him up to his chambers. Radu, seemingly unaware that the offer was sexual in nature, was startled when Mehmed embraced and then tried to kiss him. Radu stabbed the prince in the leg, then ran and hid in a tree. They later became lovers, and maintained a relationship for the rest of their lives

Just googled the last one because holy shit that’s magnificent and seemed to good to be true, but not only did it actually happen, but I also learned that radu was known as “radu the beautiful”

fun date idea: stab him in the leg

why is peter pan always flying?

he neverlands

I love this joke because it never grows old

It has a nice hook.

It ticks to its own rhythm

I don’t get it. I’m lost, boys.

Avengers: Endgame (2019)

Justice is best served cold.

Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

this one was bad enough to make me slow blink at the computer as i grinned. so therefore i have to inflict it on everyone else, too. them’s the Rules.

If I have to suffer so do you

fucks sake

god dammit

Okay now which one is clearer? 1?

or 2?

S T O P

Maybe just take off the glasses!?

This spoke to my soul wth

I feel attacked.

SPONGEBOB APPRECIATION POST

Dear Spongebob,

Thank you for all the laughs,

Giggles,

And occasional rolling-around-the-floor-moments.

Thank you for being one of the biggest parts of my childhood.

Thank you for every joke,

Subtle or not so subtle.

Thank you for all the F.U.N. you’ve provided.

Thank you for every iconic moment.

Happy Twentieth Birthday,

Love,

All of your fans

“lions aren’t expressive”

Disney I didn’t even buy a ticket and I want a refund

everyone: realistic looking lions can still have expressions

Disney: