LISTEN SON…. TAYLOR SWIFT JUST SENT A FAN LIKE 2K TO HELP THEM PAY OFF STUDENT LOANS I DONT HAVE TIME TO HEAR ABOUT WHY YOU DISLIKE HER

date someone who looks at you like a Minion looks at a banana

I CAN LITERALLY HEAR HIM SAY “BANANA” IN HIS MINIONY VOICE I AM ABOUT TO DIE I AM GETTING NIGHTMARES MAKE HIM STOP

if i text you back while i tumblr you’re important

The fact that there is a highway to hell and a staircase to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load

Why is it August already???

Like didn’t 2015 just start like 2 weeks ago??? What the hell

i didn’t want to respond because the answer was “me and my friends are arguing over which one of us has the most sociopathic tendencies and I thought ‘hey I murdered my twin in the womb’ was an excellent argument”

“Asphalt” sounds like the scientific term for butt crack.

“Bro?” 

“Bro!” 

“Bro.” 

“ball isnt life….” “bro…..” “you are life” “b-bro!”

I’m really happy to finally be moving (on Wednesday) but MAN I hate packing to move!  My disorganized brain can barely handle this.

assignment due at 11:59 pm submits assignment at 11:57 pm

Story time: I went to boarding school and one day my dad sent me a letter and told me to open it in the dining hall so I was like ??? maybe he sent something for my friends too. So I take it to dinner and open it, and it turns out it’s a card. A record-your-voice card in which my dad recorded himself yelling at the top of his lungs about how my dog pooped on the carpet. And that is the story of how my dad sent me a Howler one day.

And now every Harry Potter fan has a new idea on how to torment current/future children. Thank you person’s father.

Beau Taplin  (via perrfectly)

“Dog food lid” spelled backwards is “dildo of god.”

Masturbation Tip: Let me do it for you