This morning I found something that hurt me.

I guess I went looking for it because I knew I’d find it. Something about my boyfriends past that I knew would hurt. Simply because I knew something he has done in the past would hurt me. Not infidelity, no. Just Affairs of the heart I guess. 

To give anyone, no I guess I’m not writing this for any reason other to get it out. Because I know I don’t have the strength to bring it up to him. I just know he would react badly If I ever brought it up. ‘Your making something up in your mind because nothing is wrong so you have to find something wrong with your life’. Yeah, that’s what he would say. 

So I guess there’s nothing wrong with the fact that less than a week before we got together he was talking to multiple girls. Describing sex. Paragraphs, describing passionate, ‘You make me feel like I haven’t felt in a long time’, sex... But I guess there’d be nothing wrong with that, he wasn’t with me. 

But It does make when we got together feel less special. Less genuine. Like it was all lies. My relationship is based on lies. 

So many,

So many fucking people just open their mouth, give their own two sense without actually taking into consideration what your feeling and how what their saying is going to make you feel

I lie.

I mean, I lie a lot. I lie about where I go, I lie about how I feel, every smile is a lie. Every laugh. It's to the point where I'm not even sure what's me anymore, because I myself am one big lie. It's to isolate myself, I dont feel like I deserve a single good thing in this world. So i have to keep lying, i have to keep everyone at arms length

I have no other outlet.

When I was 17, I started to remember the most traumatic thing that ever happened to me. It completely changed me and everything I was and how I handled everything. It was the most depressed I had ever felt in my life. It lasted years. But even so, about a couple weeks ago I woke up one day and all I could think about was how much I wanted to die. From the second I woke up to the second I fell asleep it's all that was on my mind. And for the first time in a long time I felt most depressed than I ever have in my life. That felt like the worst day of my life. But than the next day came, and every day after since has felt like it's worse than before.