I'm perfectly happy to be on T. I feel healthier on it, and I like everything it's done to me so far; I just want more of that. and I'm quite happy to have had liposuction-only top surgery. I'm not sure I would have gone to the trouble if I were living in a culture that was chill about men having tits, but I'm pretty enthusiastic about my flat chest.
that's all the transition I wanted. I didn't want anything else. but I have to think about it anyway, because I've been on T for 3.5 years, and I still "look like a girl". strangers almost never perceive me as male, which means they almost always perceive me as female, because those are the only options. and I find that almost unbearable.
it might be possible to improve my odds of passing by changing some of my behaviors. I only wear men's clothes, mostly in pretty classic styles - but I could ignore all my aesthetic preferences and optimize every outfit for passing. I've made some effort to adopt more masculine mannerisms - but I could scrutinize my every movement for conformity to a rigid, stereotyped masculinity. I don't wear makeup - but I could spend 20 minutes on elaborate contouring every time I plan to go out in public. I "could", but I won't, because fuck that. For me a large part of the point of physically transitioning is to gain more freedom to play with feminine aesthetics without getting kicked out of the man club completely. gender is a prison and my cell feels claustrophobic enough as it is.
I have small hands and feet, and a generally inconvenient bone structure, but there's nothing I can do about that with acceptable risks. I don't want a hysterectomy or oophorectomy - certainly not before I've had biokids, but preferably never. I don't want body sculpting - my ass is fine as hell, no surgeon has any business getting near it. I don't want facial surgery - I like my face, and I'd prefer to look a bit more masculine, but I don't want to look like a different person.
but I have to consider it anyway, because nearly everyone I meet assumes I'm a woman, and that feels almost unbearable.
what has me worried is that things feel utterly static. I don't feel like I've gotten any noticeable changes in more than a year. even comparing to old photos, I think I look about the same. I guess I have slightly more terminal hairs on my chin (but they're completely invisible even if I haven't shaved in a week). it's possible that I have some kind of biochemical fuckery going on that might be fixable. my dose is fine (0.3mL/week was too much, 0.25mL is about right), and my SHBG/bioavailable T looks fine. I am finally getting my estrogen tested, and if it's high I will try to get on some kind of antiestrogen. but it seems most probable that nothing is "wrong", I just have a very unlucky transition timeline, I can't do anything to hurry it up, and I will eventually pass if I keep waiting - but how long do I have to wait? two more years? three? four? what the hell am I going to do in the interim?
I want the people I meet to immediately recognize me as a man without question. I want to be desirable to gay men (or at least the trans-positive subset thereof.) I want to use the men's bathroom without worrying whether people think I belong there. I want my gender to be more than a polite fiction, where other people agree to use male terms of address (when they remember) and I pretend to ignore that I'm still being treated like a woman in every other way. I want to be regarded as a man in fact, without contest.
gross word vomit about how being perceived as female feels to me under the cut