Tantra, The Dance of Love

We have already seen that lovemaking in the tantric sense, conscious lovemaking, does not come naturally; it must be learned, and couples must learn it together. They must be teachers, one to the other, and pupils of one another as well. Tantra is most explicit in its instructions for carrying out this education in the art of lovemaking, a multimedia art that combines increased consciousness with the five physical senses of taste, touch, smell, sight, and sound, as well as the more ethereal psychic and spiritual senses, to compose its dance of love. There is a theory that good sex is spontaneous sex. Remember that conversation regarding spontaneity that led to problems for Linda and Sam? Well, they are not alone. After their initial love affair, many couples go through a period that feels like boredom or tedium. This is a crucial time for lovers. They’ve established a routine: They get up, go out, come home, have dinner, watch the tube, go to bed, and get up again. Sex enters in somewhere between going to bed and getting up; it becomes part of the routine. And frankly, it’s not as much fun. Proponents of the “spontaneous sex is better sex” school are probably not couples—especially not working couples or couples with kids. For couples, spontaneity is usually exchanged for continuity. Tantricas, who celebrate lovemaking as a ritual, which is about as nonspontaneous as you can get, are not proponents of impulsive sex, but they do practice spontaneity in the expression of their love. The dance of love is made up of spontaneous, not choreographed, movement—although many couples do choreograph their lovemaking in a way, remembering and repeating those combinations of movements that provide particular pleasure. Since the focusing of one’s mind on one’s partner and the nurturing of the relationship are at the heart of conscious loving, the act of love is performed quite literally with “pre-meditation.” Conscious lovers ritualistically designate a time for loving trysts; they prepare themselves mentally for their lovemaking; they prepare a place for it to assure privacy and comfort; and they bathe and prepare their bodies for the delight and delectation of the other. Mental preparation for love is an important ritual for Tantricas before they begin their sexual sharing. It ensures that the love exchanged will not be tainted with stress from external factors– anxiety brought home from the office, for instance, or residual emotional pain from a child’s traumatic first day at school or visit to the dentist. The two lovers turn their minds away from the world’s affairs and toward each other. They employ White Tantra, yantras, breathing techniques, visualizations, and the nurturing position’s subtle synchronization to achieve a meditative mind. This is conscious preparation for conscious loving. If being in the right frame of mind sets the mood, so does preparing the right place to be together. Ideally it is a private place, where the couple won’t be disturbed by the phone ringing or interrupted by inquisitive children. Many Tantricas make their bedroom a kind of temple, beautifying it with art, crystals, draperies, and spreads, sheets, and pillows of various texture, color, and design. They make it an aromatic place, with fresh flowers or delicate incenses. Over time an aura of harmony is created in this room that seeps into the very furnishings. In order to preserve this atmosphere, the couple always takes their disagreements outside of the bedroom, saving this place exclusively for love. A ritual bath or cleansing, together or separately, should precede lovemaking. Think of it as more than a service to hygiene. It is a purification, a washing away of the cares of the day and a cleansing of the energetic as well as the physical body in preparation for a spiritual union. Focus your mind on the bath as a rite, and allow it to become part of your loving meditation. Applying lotions or oils after bathing may also be part of the preparation, but remember that the body’s own odors, especially its sexual odors, have aphrodisiac qualities, as does the way the body tastes. Since taste and smell are two of the several aspects of the tantric dance of love, don’t mask them. Especially don’t use deodorants, which not only taste bad, but repress and restrict the body’s natural erotic perfumes. It’s hardly necessary to say that you should look good for your lover. In this dance you will assume the roles of God and Goddess, radiant beings. You will be beautiful in each other’s eyes. But remember that the energy that goes into attracting your beloved is itself a kind of sexual energy you can bring to one another. So take care of your appearance and your adornments—men should shave if they have a coarse beard; fingernails should be kept trim. This kind of attention is another aspect of conscious loving. Learning the dance of love is going to sound very simple when we tell you that there are only three steps to it, all of which are familiar. But then we will explain that each of the three steps has numerous variations, and that each variation has two aspects, the receptive yin aspect and the active yang. The yin/yang concept is really the foundation on which the love dance rises to its astonishing heights. You’ll see it as the heel-and-toe, the chorus, the repeating refrain in all aspects of the dance. Its proper combination is like spontaneous combustion, a catalyst for ecstasy as well as spiritual fulfillment. Between the yin and yang poles there are seven gradations or levels of expression, from the most gentle to the firmest, from the slowest to the fastest. Multiply all this by two, because there are two dancers alternating as giver and receiver at each turn, and you begin to appreciate that this fandango is a bit more challenging than the Texas two-step. STEP ONE: KISSES Kisses can range from a superficial peck on the cheek to a soul-shaking experience. Tantric techniques for these deeper kisses are designed to stir the shakti and at the same time release energy from the crown chakra down through the body. Kissing is especially recommended on all of the seven energy centers, front and back, but couples should kiss any other part of the body as well. Kisses run the seven-level gamut of expression from yin to yang, from soft lips to firmest, from lightest pressure to hardest, from most shallow to deepest. Lips should be soft and pliant and the jaw and facial muscles should be relaxed, to facilitate the exchange of energy and increase sexual pleasure. There are five basic methods for kissing mouth to mouth, and they apply as well when delivered to any part of the body. Lipping is the kissing technique partners use to contact the soft, moist inner (yin) side of each other’s upper and lower lips, as well as the dryer, rougher-textured (yang) outside. Tonguing uses the tongue to lick the lover’s lips, to touch the inner cheek or explore the upper palate, or to caress the other’s tongue. Love bites are imparted to the inside and outside of the other’s upper and lower lips. The bites should be made yin to yang, but yang in this category should register considerably gentler than seven on the tantric seismograph. The sucking and blowing kisses are a kind of inhalation and exhalation against the other’s lips, or chakra areas, or across any expanse of skin. Kissing is a step in the dance of love that begs the exchange of yin and yang not only by using the seven levels of yin to yang expression, but also by alternating the receiving of kisses with the giving of them. The woman should take her lover’s mouth using all five techniques: lipping, tonguing, biting, sucking, and blowing, and then she should give her mouth to her lover for his pleasure—and hers. The man should take the woman’s lips in the same way, and then give his mouth to her for more delight. Remember that in conscious loving the partners continually change roles as active and receptive lovers, and while there is no design for the exchange, no intermission or musical interlude, no set time designation, it is suggested that partners share these roles equally. STEP TWO: THE CONSCIOUS TOUCH Many cultures recognize the power potential in what is sometimes called the “laying on of hands.” In Tantra, touch is one of the primary means of awakening and directing energy, and it is performed in all its variety on a conscious level of heightened awareness that contains several aspects, not the least of which is a sensitivity to the effect of the touch on the loved one. Another aspect of heightened awareness is the conscious realization that hands don’t end at their fingertips, and that their influence does not stop at the skin’s surface. Our bodies are containers of great energy—we refer to it collectively as the “life force” or animating current. As long as we are alive we emanate that energy, and it manifests itself in an energetic field or aura surrounding and penetrating the body. Tantricas know that the flow of this energy can be consciously aroused and directed. When directed out of the fingers, or out of the palms of the hands, the energy is long-ranging and penetrable, like a lit candle whose heat exceeds the boundary of wax and wick. If you can imagine, feel, or visualize an energetic glow coming from your hands and fingers when you touch another person, you will connect on a deeper energetic level. As with kisses, the tantric discipline recognizes a variety of kinds of touches to apply to the joyful dance. The static touch is performed by “running energy.” Rest both hands upon your lover, and don’t move at all. As your hands lie still, consciously direct energy from your right hand into and through your lover, and then consciously accept it back into your left hand. You might consider the static touch as an energetic game of catch. The moving touch travels in short or long strokes across the skin or in specific patterns (circles, spirals, triangles, crosses, etc.). Squeezing includes a kneading touch and gentle pinching. Scratching with the fingernails or tips of the fingers, like love bites in the category of kisses, is usually preferred more yin than yang. In the Kama Sutra, one of the best known tantric texts, the seventh level of yang in both the biting kiss and scratching touch draws blood. We don’t recommend you go that far—most couples prefer to stop at around level five. Tapping or slapping can arouse great passion. Obviously some parts of the body are better suited to receive this kind of touch than others, the buttocks in particular, because they are well padded and protected. Be conscious of the line between pleasure and pain and conscious of your beloved’s level of tolerance; Tantra does not promote masochism or sadism, and this is a dance, not a fight. Touching might be called “kissing with the hands,” and similar techniques apply to both; touch your lover everywhere, focusing on the front and back of the seven chakra centers. As with kisses, employ the seven levels of speed and pressure, from the most yin, or slowest and lightest, barely brushing the skin, to the most yang, or fastest and strongest. Alternate yin and yang strokes as well as types of touches. Once again, these various means of touching require the conscious participation of both partners as giver and receiver. This means that each partner recognizes his or her role at the moment and experiences it actively, even if it is a passive role. For instance, when a man bestows a long smooth caress with the palm of his hand over his beloved’s back and down to her buttocks, and then squeezes the flesh of her buttocks, and continues down her thighs with the lightest possible brushing of his fingertips, he is conscious of the fact that he is acting on purpose to fire her, to pleasure her—to arouse her passion and her shakti or sexual electricity—with his touch. But no matter how good his technique, or how loving his caress, if she is not consciously receptive, if her mind is a million miles away, nothing will happen. The receiver must be as conscious of the gift offered as the giver is of bestowing it. Ultimately it is the mind that directs the touch, and it is the mind that accepts it. There is another yin/yang aspect to touching. As you pleasure your partner with your touch, you also receive sensual pleasure from the contact. Consider it the other side of the touch, your lover’s skin against your hand, and delight in the feel of it, its texture, its softness or hardness, its warmth and the energy it emits. Your hand, active because it is touching, is also receptive because it feels. Never “take” with your touch; always give and receive. Women are especially sensitive to the difference, and are far less receptive to a taker than to one who will be a receiver of their gifts. There are three areas of the hand that transmit different qualities of energy and physical sensation to the receiver. For any of the touches, alternate these three parts of your hand as you caress your lover: just the tips of your fingers; the base of your fingers and palm; and the heel of your hand. STEP THREE: 1001 MOVEMENTS If touching is the hand’s way of loving, and kissing is the mouth’s, pelvic movement is the way the lingam and yoni demonstrate love. We call it the 1001 movements, but you’re not constrained to a mere 1001; in the tantric texts, 1001 means infinite and innumerable. Nor is this part of the dance “for men only,” because while it is his organ that dances, it is her yoni the lingam dances with, and in this aspect of the dance of love, as in all the others, the partners alternate the lead. Some women may initially feel awkward, embarrassed, or self-conscious about assuming the lead or yang function in performing the various pelvic movements, especially if they are still untangling from propaganda about what a woman’s role should be. These women should persevere. Awkwardness dissolves quickly, embarrassment becomes a flush of arousal for women who allow themselves to take their own pleasure in this way, and self-consciousness is the first level of a much higher consciousness. In the same way, some men may not be terribly comfortable in the receptive or yin role. For a lot of men, taking the lead in lovemaking is a measure of their masculinity, their ego, how yang they are. Super macho types may even feel threatened by a woman who takes the active role in lovemaking. It is important for these men to realize how very limiting it is to be the giver only. It means the man doesn’t ever really get to receive the woman’s love, even though they may have a lot of sex. It means he never knows what a joy it is to lie back and be made love to, to be honored in this way; it means he will never see her find her own pleasure, which can be a wonderful instruction for a man, as well as a highly erotic experience for both partners. When a woman makes love to a man, she not only delights him but also shows him what is most pleasurable to her. How she moves, what kinds of connections she seeks with him, her touch, her speed, the angle of entry she uses to take her lover’s lingam into herself are all a kind of nonverbal instruction. Just as the kisses and touching steps of the dance of love have a variety of yin and yang expressions, so, too, do the 1001 movements. Although the lingam is a yang organ during intercourse, it must manifest both yin and yang energy, just as kissing and touching do; it can express the seven levels through various means. The first level to consider is depth. The most yin expression of depth is the shallowest, teasing or rubbing against the beloved’s vaginal lips; a little more yang penetrates just a little deeper; and the most yang expression manifests in the deepest contact. Remember that the first inch of the vagina is the most sensitive to contact, and that since the yoni is more yin than yang itself, a woman may prefer a more yin than yang expression of the lingam’s love. Speed is a second type of movement during joined lovemaking, and should be consciously varied from slowest to fastest, just as depth is consciously varied. Nonmovement is the most yin level of speed, but even nonmovement can become powerfully yang when the man uses his love muscle while he is inside to pulse, tighten, or flex in internal movement. This dynamic kind of still movement is particularly effective in communicating with the woman’s sacred spot, especially if the man pulses his love muscle while holding his lingam tight and still against this sensitive spot. A woman can also become expert in love muscle manipulation and internal movement for her own pleasure, as well as for the delight of her partner. She can pretty much drive her man wild with a variety of bandhas, or internal contractions. We’ll discuss these in more detail in Chapter Nine. Angle of entry is another consideration in movement that influences pleasure. It allows the lingam to contact places it may never have been before, and the yoni to experience levels of feeling it may never have known. Picture the yoni as a series of clocks one on top of the other. If the penis brushes against the clitoris from twelve o’clock as it enters, and desires to make contact in the area of six o’clock at its deepest position, it would take one angle; if it enters by pushing alongside the clitoris at one o’clock on our figurative timepiece, with the desire of reaching seven o’clock inside, it would take another. And don’t neglect the angle of exit, which need not be the same. Practice, experiment, discover which angles you and your partner like best. The important thing is to know that they exist. We also use pelvic-directed nonlinear movements (“linear” movement being the old “in and out”). These include circular movements—clockwise and counterclockwise—and side-to-side movements. These variations are very pleasurable for both partners, and they can be particularly good exercises for men practicing ejaculatory control. It’s the back-and-forth, in-and-out motion of masturbation and uninspired intercourse that encourages ejaculation. In addition to these various types of pelvic movements or thrusts, there are several specialized techniques of hand-assisted movements the lingam can perform in loving the yoni. These are described in Chapter Ten. POSTURES AND POSITIONS Extraordinary sexual positions and entanglements can be seen frozen on ancient Indian temple walls and depicted in many of the tantric books. These positions were created and performed by tantric holy women trained from childhood in the art of love. For western Tantricas without such a background, these complex postures are difficult and less than comfortable. Better to consider them as emblems of the ecstatic ritual than to attempt to copy them. In our seminars we keep it simple and comfortable by using five basic postures. Each of these postures has hundreds of variations, which can be combined with the techniques for movement we’ve just discussed to provide a constantly changing choreography for the dance of love. The five basic positions are: horizontal with the man on top; horizontal with the woman on top; side position with partners facing each other (using either side, or direction); positions with the man behind the woman; and the Yab Yum position, unique to tantric lovemaking. In Yab Yum the spine is aligned with gravity, an essential ingredient for drawing energy to the higher chakras and for stimulating the pineal and pituitary glands, which is considered critical for enlightenment to occur. Partners sit erect facing one another, the woman astride the man who is crosslegged and supporting her weight on his thighs. Her legs are open and around him, the soles of her feet touch behind him. This position encourages wonderfully stimulating forms of movement, including rocking, bouncing, and circling; it is also the ideal position for meditating on internal energy and inner life or experience. Note that the slight elevation of the woman sitting astride the man brings the partners’ chakras into line with one another, making up for the usual difference in height between men and women. If the woman’s weight causes the man’s legs to become stiff, or if there is any discomfort at all, she can place a pillow under her buttocks, which will take some of the weight off his thighs. Comfort of both partners is critical in these various positions. Plenty of pillows can be a great assist in this. Weight bearing is also an important and conscious consideration in lovemaking—we don’t want to crush our beloved when we are on top; we want to avoid cramped or tired muscles. Our love dance, therefore, incorporates eight “weight bearers” with which we can shift out of any stressed positions: they are our pairs of hands, elbows and forearms, knees, and feet. Alternating eight muscle groups of these weight bearers in any combination eliminates both crushing and the possibility of cramping in lovemaking. Shifting postures may be done without the lingam leaving the yoni, if the partners move together and the woman pushes or presses into the man to maintain a tight contact with his lingam as they roll over or one moves on top or they otherwise change position. SOUNDS OF LOVE In the course of the love dance, couples can add to their communication via kisses and touches and movement, with sighs and cries, whispers and moans, exclamations and other verbal expressions. These are the fifth or throat chakra’s translation of the body’s physical responses, and they are important music for the dance of love. Since every lover’s sounds are different, couples must listen carefully to one another, to the timbre, to the meaning of the other’s sound. Before they have achieved real harmony or sexual intimacy, many couples are too shy to speak straightforwardly about their preferences; this may be more true of women than of men. A certain kind of shyness makes it uncomfortable for a woman to say, “Listen, I really like to have this first inch of yoni stimulated, especially with these two fingers in this position, and it really feels nice when you touch it in this circular motion, sort of gently, and would you do it slowly, please?” This may be due in part to a woman’s literally introverted sexuality, as we’ve discussed. Even if the couple is close enough to be able to talk really intimately with one another, the words can sound too clinical or technical. Conscious loving promotes an atmosphere for ecstasy; it’s not a science lab. Lovers often find it easier to communicate their sexual preferences by responding to what they like and how fast and how hard with their own sounds of pleasure. They can use this same technique to learn what is most pleasing to their partner. As they listen to one another’s sexual communication, their communication in other areas will be strengthened as well because they will be more conscious of each other’s expressions in general. Many people perceive sexual sounds as painful rather than joyful; and indeed there may well be elements of pain in our sexuality on a psychic or psychological level that cause us to cry out as if hurt. Practicing tantric love changes this perception by recognizing the fifth chakra’s expression as the sound of ecstatic energy, and by helping overcome the painful and negative program that so many western men and women have inherited about their sexuality. This changed perception is yet another demonstration of the healing therapy the tantric lifestyle encourages. THE CLIMAX OF THE DANCE The psychic and spiritual climax of the dance is the orgasm. Most women in our groups agree that the moment of orgasm is a magic moment, a potentially transformational moment. When a woman’s shakti explodes in orgasm, she can actually feel the Goddess within her and her lover can feel the God in himself, and they can experience the cosmic connection. This is the ultimate “expansion” of themselves into the beyond. As the woman’s sexual energy builds toward a climax, while she allows her shakti to flow through her, she is in an extraordinarily open state. Remember, it is the yin aspect of a woman to be receptive, inward-directed; so attaining the opposite, the open, expansive range of orgasm, creates a great psychological potential. The woman does not lose her feminine nature in this openness—she is still as receptive as she is giving. At this moment the man can provide his beloved with the kind of healing strength and inner assurance befitting a Goddess. His words and verbal expressions of love will be especially deeply felt. Men can be similarly touched by words and affirmations of love during orgasm. In this kind of transformational love, or sex magic as Tantra calls it, visualizations as well as affirmations are used in combination with the sexual experience—a much more sophisticated, conscious way of using the mind than fantasy. This kind of communication is so effective during orgasm because the words go directly to the heart of the person having the orgasm—they aren’t processed first by the analytic mind. When the lover tells his beloved of her beauty in this orgasmic state of consciousness, for instance, she doesn’t stop and think, “What does he mean? Is it my hair? How do I look?” Instead, in her openness, she simply takes it in, accepts it in herself so that it becomes part of her. She becomes beautiful. When he tells her of her power, her importance to him, her value, when he says that he loves her deeply, these things too move through her, inside her, and become part of her and she part of them; she is empowered by the very words, made important and valuable by them. Words of love and respect spoken to a loved one in his or her ecstasy are among the sweetest of gifts. AFTER THE DANCE When both partners have danced to their satisfaction, and especially when the man has ejaculated in the course of their coupling, there is still great energetic potential in the afterglow of lovemaking. This is the time when a man is most empty of his male essence, his yang energy, and therefore he is the most receptive, the most able to absorb energy from outside himself. Tantra requires that the man remain inside his beloved after he has ejaculated, even though he is soft. The energy his lingam is able to absorb in this state, especially if he uses breathing techniques and the more advanced bandha techniques described in Chapter Nine to draw energy inward and up, is much more powerful than he can manufacture alone. Couples can exchange this highly charged energy by holding one another and breathing together. They can create a kind of energetic elixir formed of the woman’s yin energy and the yang she has received from her lover. As he drinks that elixir in, visualizing its absorption, inhaling its essence, the man receives back much of what he has spent in ejaculation. If he has chosen not to ejaculate, all his yang energy is returned, charged now with the creative and generative power of the woman’s shakti; it will renew him, awaken him, heal him. The time after orgasm is equally important to the woman, not for the restoration of lost energy, because her orgasm is a gift of energy to her, but for the intimate connection it provides with her lover. This is the intimacy a woman wants with all her heart; it is as important a ritual as foreplay, because it keeps passion perking just under the surface, just under her skin. It connects a couple as significantly as sexual union, for intimacy in the luminous atmosphere of after-love, where harmony presides, nourishes all aspects of a relationship, and of our quite human natures.

Tantra, The Dance of Love

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