He is so embarrassing I am not even his girl and I wanna scream

there are guys in my dorm who decided to play cards in the elevator

see what intrigues me about college isn’t the intellectual pursuit or the bonding or whatever, its the fact that people have the freedom to do random shit like this

Okay, everybody, I have a story about random shit in college. When I was in college, there was a particular class I took where, no matter what time you walked into class, if you made it into the room before the professor, you wouldn’t be counted late. I mean, that’s a pretty cool policy, given how some professors are really obnoxious about attendance. 

Well, one time, a fellow student of mine was running late to class. As she reached the edge of the building, she saw her professor making it to the front steps (super long rectangular building here). He looks up from walking and he sees her. He then points to his watch, gives her a well-meaning “Look who’s late” face, and walks on inside.

What he didn’t know, though, was that this particular student was like freakishly good at bouldering and related climbing skills, so she was just like “Fuck it” and SCALED THE BUILDING!

She tapped on the window of the 4th floor classroom (the floors had like 20ft ceilings, so, she was quite a ways up there), nearly making one student piss himself. They opened the window, she rolled through, onto the floor, and slid into her seat about five seconds before the professor opened the door to the classroom. 

He did a double take, started to say “How the hell d—” when a security guard ran in, red-faced and panting, pointed at her and bellowed “STOP DOING THAT!”

Okay random college story of my dads. He was taking a history class and they were writing a timed paper during the class and when the time ended, the professor told everyone to turn in their papers or they would not be graded.

One boy in the class wasn’t finished with his paper when the time was up so he continued to write the paper until the class finished. When it did he went to the turn in the paper. The professor told him that he could not hand in his paper outside of the time restraint because it wasn’t fair to the rest of the people in the class.

So the boy went up to the professor desk and asked “do you know who I am? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM??” The professor calmly told him “no I don’t know who you are.” The boy said “good!” And stuffed his paper into the stack on the professor’s desk of all the papers that had been turned on time and then walked out of the class.

The professor has no choice but to grade his paper.

My favorite thing about this post is that people keep adding college stories to it and they’re so much fun to read

why would a candle thats already lit want to be with a match

also her being lit is going to eventually melt her and reduce her to nothing match guy is an abusive sadboy who thinks he’s the victim when candlegirl just wants someone who will keep her alive

im here for this analysis

I don’t know who used my email as their parent email but this is the funniest thing that’s happened to me all week

Discipline your child

apparently I can change the password on the account but I’m wondering if that’s too evil 😩😂

*hacker voice* im in

for those curious the new password is “dontsayfuck” 

lmaooo okay now this is just getting wild tell me why this kid made a new account and STILL used my email as their parent email like what is happening my son is out of control

smartie

Me:

OH MY HEART

“I’m not ready for kids” LOL

An angel

Wtf bats swim

Omfg

Here’s another little-known bat fact:

Orphaned baby bats are often swaddled tightly like teeny burritos to mimic being cuddled by mom and help ease separation anxiety.

They also seem to find pacifiers soothing.

I’m pretty sure I’ve posted on this before, but there’s always someone who hasn’t heard about this before. Plus, I’ll happily take any excuse I can to post cute baby animal pics (especially when they’re wrapped like tiny furry burritos) :)

wow bats are very good

I love baby bats. 

if you’re in alaska, one of your senators is lisa murkowski. she criticized the first version of Trumpcare because it would defund planned parenthood. flood her office. visit her in person if you can. tell her to vote no on Trumpcare.

if you’re in maine, one of your senators is susan collins. she also criticized the first version of Trumpcare. call and visit her office if you can. tell her to vote no on trumpcare.

if you’re in nevada, one of your senators is dean heller. hillary clinton won nevada by a pretty healthy margin, and in 2016 nevada elected catherine cortez-masto. heller is up for reelection in 2018. visit his office. flood him with calls. tell him that you’ll have his job on a plate if he votes yes on Trumpcare.

the republicans are only in the majority in the senate by two seats. at least three senators have to vote against the bill to avoid a tiebreaker by the vice president. these three senators probably represent the best chance to flip.

do your thing

IM LAUGHING SO HARD

He called him Optimus Prime. I need to log out..  

I can’t… Fucking breathe omg

Never apologize for your giant dogs getting overexcited, if I get taken down by a 100 pound mass of fluff then that’s how I go.

i don’t normally write on the walls, but i was getting pretty pissed. like, who the fuck says i can’t be smart and have sex at the same time? i could literally get eaten out and recite the quadratic formula if i damn well please.

!!!

Judith Barsi was the voice of Ducky in “The Land Before Time”. She and her mother died in a tragic murder when she was 10 years old. She was murdered by her father.  As Judith gained more fame with the help of her devoted mother, her father became increasingly abusive, jealous and paranoid. 

Judith was last seen riding her bike on the morning of July 25, 1988. That evening, her father shot Judith in the head while she was sleeping in her room, then shot her mother. He incinerated the bodies and eventually went into the garage and shot himself in the head with a pistol. 

Jesus

this is like so funny but terrifying¿ im laughing partially out of fear

my skills include reading an entire page of an academic text without absorbing a single word

Parallel Earth.

AMAZING

I LOVE