saskirby reblogged
I’m not sure why I actually did this but here you go. XD
THANK YOU!
saskirby reblogged
saskirby reblogged
I think it's beautiful that r/691 went private right as the u/691_roomba dictatorship was overthrown
saskirby reblogged
shear-in-spuh-rey-shuhn-deactiv
shear-in-spuh-rey-shuhn
GERARD DUBOIS Moby Dick
this is legendary because you as you go you see the photo itself and you’re “oh this is some symbolic / surrealist art” and then the TITLE hits you like a shotgun shell
In case you were unaware, Moby Dick is one of the foundational texts of cosmic horror. The White Whale is a god, maybe even The God. And Ahab Hates Him.
I made this my phone home screen today. Keeps me humble and scared; seeing the eye of God staring me down every time I open my phone
saskirby reblogged
important info for new /r/196 friends
when you reblog a post, two people get notifications. the person you directly reblogged from (who you are actually talking to) and the OP, who always gets notified no matter what.
Weaker minds might say "so be mindful of what you say and don't be too annoying because the OP has to read it too :)" but they're wrong.
your GOAL is to annoy the OP so much that they delete the post, which is currently(?) the only way to save oneself from the spam a popular post will inflict upon your notes. (the reblogs remain it just isn't on their blog anymore.)
posting is a bloodsport and winning is all that matters. follow for more great tumblr tips
saskirby reblogged
I usually dont post traditional art here but this time I'll make an exception
Just your friendly fruit colored pyjama people from Ninjago
saskirby reblogged
Very Brief Guide to [tumblr], for Reddit refugees
Shit You Must Do Right Fucking Now:
- Change your profile picture, blog header, and title to something other than the defaults. Do it right now. You will be mistaken for a bot otherwise, and blocked.
- Go into Settings -> Dashboard, scroll down to Preferences, and turn off the options in the picture. This will get rid of most of the algorithmic stuff.
- Turn off Tumblr Live. You have to snooze it once every 7 days for some stupid reason. It's hosted through another company and will steal your data if you use it.
- Go to your blog settings (under the little person menu) and turn off these two settings:
- Turn off infinite scroll (lags the site) and turn on timestamps on posts, in the same menu as Preferences.
Basic Features of the Site:
- Reblogs drive the entire site. If you'd upvote something on Reddit, you'd reblog it on Tumblr. You can add text, images, or tags to a reblog, but you're not required to.
- The dashboard is the equivalent to your Reddit feed, and contains the posts of all the people you follow, with the newest at the top
- You can send an ask to someone, and it'll appear in their askbox for them to answer. You can receive them too, or turn off the settings if you don't want.
- Tags aren't actually used for finding stuff (search function is dogshit), but are more for categorizing. People also talk in tags. Because Tumblr is weird, you can't use quotation marks (") or commas in them without fucking it up
- You can filter both tags and phrases under Account Settings; doing this will put a filter over a post that contains them, which you'll have to click through to see the post itself. Useful for avoiding hate speech or blocking out annoying stuff
- You can make polls in posts. Here's one now.
- Likes are useless. They literally do fuck-all except send a notification to the OP.
Stuff Tumblr Does That Other Sites Don't:
- Very old posts (I'm talking from like 2012) often circulate on this site. There's no such thing as a post being "too old" to reblog
- Blocking is highly encouraged; you can block someone for any reason. Even for just being annoying.
- If you and someone else are following each other, you are mutuals. Mutuals are fucking awesome and are treasured like friends. Mutuals are a thing on other sites but Tumblr treats em differently.
- You can screenshot someone's tags if you like them and add them to a reblog. This is called "peer review"
- Sometimes someone will find a blog and go through it and like/reblog a bunch of posts. This is totally fine and not "creepy" like it is seen as on other sites.
- Tumblr jokes often rely on Continuing The Bit and a "yes, and?" attitude. Goncharov is probably the best example of this.
- We are fucking infested with bots. They will either have totally blank profiles or be filled with porn. Block and report on sight.
- Censorship is pretty lax here. I can say "I want to brutally stab Elon Musk to death and watch him bleed out in front of a crowd" and nobody gives a shit.
General Etiquette:
- Don't try to do epic clapbacks here, you'll probably just get laughed at or blocked. If someone is bugging you or spouting bigoted bullshit, block them.
- Reblog art!!! Artists often struggle to gain traction on here; reblogging will give them a boost.
- Not every reblog needs a comment or tag in it
- You can go all out with tagging your stuff to organize it, or you can just leave it all blank. Someone might ask "hey, can you tag these posts as [x]?" and you can decide if you want to do that or not. It's generally polite to oblige, but "no" is still reasonable.
- Avoid discourse like the plague. Filter it, block people who start it, scroll past it when you see it. Just don't get involved in it. Ever.
- Don't put fandom tags or jokes on someone's posts about serious matters or personal shit
- You're responsible for curating your own dashboard; if you complain about constantly seeing stuff you don't like, that's probably on you. Don't be afraid to unfollow.
- Follower count doesn't matter much here and you don't have to make yours known if you don't want to.
- Reblog, don't repost. Reblogging keeps the credit and doesn't "steal" engagement like Twitter retweets.
- If someone likes something a LOT, they might reblog it like 30 times in a row. This is normal
- Having a post blow up is actually kinda a bad thing, since it floods your notifications. There's a sort of in-joke about how having a big post is awful and people jokingly try to stop their own posts from blowing up, often in vain.
Tips:
- Get XKit Rewritten if you're on desktop, it's a really helpful extension
- In the little drop-down menu next to the 'Post now' button you can either save a draft, schedule a post, or add it to your queue. The queue lets you post things in order at a certain interval, which you can change. It's good for spreading stuff out over time.
- You can use Shift+R to quickly reblog stuff and Shift+Q to queue!
- Filter your notifications under Activity - you can also see some neat graphs
- Find each other! If you want your old Reddit communities to stick together, seek out other refugees and follow them.
Have fun on [tumblr], everyone!
saskirby reblogged
you can make nearly any object into a good insult if you put ‘you absolute’ in front of it
example: you absolute coat hanger
as well u can just add ‘ed’ to any object and it’s sounds like you were really drunk
example: i was absolutely coat hangered last night
asexualbrittaperry
Meanwhile, “utter” works for the first (e.g., “you utter floorboard”) but somehow “utterly” doesn’t seem to work as well for the second (“I was utterly floorboarded”).
Utterly doesn’t work for drunk because it’s the affix for turning random objects into terms for *shocked*, obviously.
… huh. I thought that might just be the similarity to “floored”, and yet “I was utterly coat hangered” does seem to convey something similar.
I have to tell you, I am utterly sandwiched at this discovery.
Completely makes the phrase mean “super tired”.
“God, it’s been a long week, I am completely coat-hangered.”
derinthemadscientist
Something is
Something is wrong with our language
Is it a glitch or a feature?
cardboardfacewoman
Feature
we don’t have anything like this in French and it offers a range of expressibility that I wish we could properly translate back. it is a feature, i concur
World Heritage Post
saskirby reblogged
camiekahle
THIS IS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN
rick-sanchez
I’VE BEEN TRYING TO FIND THIS FOR SEVEN YEARS
DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS TO ?????
john-egberts-floating-arms
I’m fucking dying
That last fatal scream tho
World Heritage Post
saskirby reblogged
strange-phanomena
I DIDNT KNOW WHAT THIS WOULD BE SO I CLICKED PLAY AND MY MOM IS RIGHT NEXT TO ME AND MY COMPUTER IS ON FULL VOLUME I HATE EVERYONE
for whenever I fuck up
World Heritage Post
saskirby reblogged
Humans Are Weird
So there has been a bit of “what if humans were the weird ones?” going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather?
What if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are all “SCORE! Earth like world! Let’s get exploring before we get out competed!” And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and left, electric storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just … there… counting seconds between flashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving.
To paraphrase one of my favorite bits of a ‘humans are awesome’ fiction megapost: “you don’t know you’re from a Death World until you leave it.” For a ton of reasons, I really like the idea of Earth being Space Australia.
Earth being Space Australia Words cannot express how much I love these posts
Alien: “I’m sorry, what did you just say your comfortable temperature range is?”
Human: “Honestly we can tolerate anywhere from -40 to 50 Celcius, but we prefer the 0 to 30 range.”
Alien: “……. I’m sorry, did you just list temperatures below freezing?”
Human: “Yeah, but most of us prefer to throw on scarves or jackets at those temperatures it can be a bit nippy.”
Other human: “Nah mate, I knew this guy in college who refused to wear anything past his knees and elbows until it was -20 at least.”
Human: “Heh. Yeah everybody knows someone like that.”
Alien: “……. And did you also say 50 Celcius? As in, half way to boiling?”
Human: “Eugh. Yes. It sucks, we sweat everywhere, and god help you if you touch a seatbelt buckle, but yes.”
Alien: “……. We’ve got like 50 uninhabitable planets we think you might enjoy.”
val-tashoth
“You’re telling me that you have… settlements. On islands with active volcanism?” “Well, yeah. I’m not about to tell Iceland and Hawaii how to live their lives. Actually, it’s kind of a tourist attraction.” “What, the molten rock?” “Well, yeah! It’s not every day you see a mountain spew out liquid rocks! The best one is Yellowstone, though. All these hot springs and geysers from the supervolcano–” “You ACTIVELY SEEK OUT ACTIVE SUPERVOLCANOES?” “Shit, man, we swim in the groundwater near them.”
Sounds like the “Damned” trilogy by Alan Dean Foster.
the-grand-author
“And you say the poles of your world would get as low as negative one hundred with wind chill?”
“Yup, with blizzards you cant see through every other day just about.”
“Amazing! when did you manage to send drones that could survive such temperatures?”
“… well, actually…”
“… what?”
“…we kinda……. sent……….. people…..”
“…”
“…”
“…what?”
“we sent-”
“no yeah I heard you I just- what? You sent… HUMANS… to a place one hundred degrees below freezing?”
“y-yeah”
“and they didn’t… die?”
“Well the first few did”
“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE???!?!?!?”
My new favorite Humans are Weird quote
“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE?”
aka The History of Russia
aka Arctic Exploration
aka The History of Alaska
Being from Alaska, this was sort of how I felt going to college in the lower 48′s and learned that no one else had been put through a literal survival camp as a regular part of their school curriculum, including but not limited to:
1. Learning to recognize all forms of animal tracks in the wild so you can avoid bears and moose and search out rabbits and other small animals to eat.
2. Extensive swimming and climbing on glacial pieces with competitions to see who could last the longest, followed by a group sit in the sauna so we wouldn’t get hypothermia (no, not kidding, I really did this many times as a kid!)
3. How to navigate using the stars to get back to civilization.
4. How to select the right type of moss from the trees to start a fire with damp wood (because, y’know, you’re in a field of snow. Nothing is dry.)
5. How to carve out a small igloo-like space to sleep in the snow to preserve body heat and reduce the windchill so you won’t freeze to death in the arctic.
otherwise-called-squidpope
“I’m telling you, I don’t think we need to worry about territory conflicts with the humans. You know all those deathtrap hell-worlds in the Argoth Cluster?” “Those worthless rocks? Yeah.” “80% of them are considered ‘resort destinations’ by those freaky little primates.”
down-sizing
“I’m telling you, they terraform for fun!” “Don’t be ridiculous” “No, seriously. Some of their most celebrated cultural loci are built on swamps. They have an entire city that is literally in a body of water. Not, like, an artificial pontoon city, they literally sunk the foundations into water. For Grilp’s sake, they build elaborate structures out of frozen water AND THEN SLEEP IN THEM.” “Dear Thilak. Think we could get them to terraform our moons?” “Psh, they’d probably pay for the privilege.”
Eventually, it occurs to someone that humans are the perfect terraforming shock troops, as it were. They think it’s fun to be sent to horrible planets! They’re really good at surviving and then taming them! All you have to do is sit back and wait until the planet is habitable, and then move there yourself! It’s genius.
It only takes one try before the reality of the situation sets in: human definitions of ‘taming’ and ‘habitable’ are woefully incomplete.
“Why did you not eliminate the venomous plant life?” Grahssk’ti moans, clutching one limb.
“Those?” The human laughs. “Why bother? They’re not that bad. And they eat the mosquitoes.”
Grahssk’ti shudders. The ‘mosquitoes’ are… not to be mentioned. Just one swarm of them caused a landing shuttle to crash three planetary daylights ago.
“And the acid storms? Why did you not warn us of them?”
“I mean, they’re annoying,” the human says, shrugging, “but we figured the cool sunsets made up for it.”
Grahssk’ti flails helplessly. “What about the ten-meter tall Fanged Death Bringers? They can eliminate an entire settlement in under an hour!”
“They’re so cute!” the human says, brightening. “Have you met mine? Her name is Spot!”
Humans are told of some planet or region of space that is considered “completely and utterly inhospitable - it would be folly to try and settle there.”
Without fail, a decent number make it a point to settle there because “Fuck You That’s Why.” It doesn’t matter how uneconomical it is, how difficult the conditions are, how utterly ridiculous it may seem, there will be at least one human who will attempt to do it only because someone else regardless of species says it is improbable or WORSE impossible.
“This moon is still forming as such it is primarily soft - by that I mean most of the magma is close to the surface and-” ‘OH BADASS you mean its like Mustafar right!?!?!?! I’m totally going to build a castle there.’ “What. I mean. There is NO fertile ground there whatsoever. No ecosystem. It is molten rock and minerals only.” ‘Which will make my castle there look METAL AS FUCK am I RIGHT!?!??! Come on. COME ON. I TAUGHT YOU HOW TO FISTBUMP COME ON.’ “….you….you are going to die, you know this right?” ‘I’m getting the feeling you don’t want to come to Lava Castle for some reason?’
This is the quality scifi I sign up for.
Posts like this are why I come to tumblr
World Heritage Post
saskirby reblogged
sherlck-deactivated20140622
wear a different perfume when you commit murder fuckin amateurs
feathery-soul
also wear shoes that aren’t your actual size and use gloves if you have to touch anything
agnosticwitch
what the hell is this here? A how-to-commit-the-perfect-crime??
vincisomething
Wear a wig. Contact lenses . Change your accent . Change Hand when writing . Layer up to make you look big if your small n vice versa . Contour the hell outta your face.
shop-blvck-nostalgia
Get your car interior thoroughly washed, then purposely dirty it up again.
Also use an icicle for the weapon because it melts away Buy a ticket to a show and tell as many people / post it on social media that u went to the show
caribe-hippie
Y'all suspect af😂
dookiediamonds
*adds 363,462 more people to list of that I will fuck never with*
james-zachariah-carstairs
Make sure you set up a solid alibi Pay for everything in cash
Or, for those of you who’ve read Roald Dahl’s Lamb to the Slaughter, feed the murder weapon to the police
Bodies should be buried vertically, not horizontally, to avoid the appearance of a grave. If you choose to dismember the body instead of bury it whole don’t forget to take a lighter or bottle of lye to the fingertips until charred or melted away, and use bleach on every surface that may have come in contact with blood splatter.
Also, don’t fucking brag about it later Jesus wept.
harmonysama
all this info is good for writing
but for actual real life, no one on tumblr has enough energy to get out of bed
ain’t no body on this website is gonna murder anyone
Make friends with a pig farmer. A full grown nursing sow can eat an entire human body, bones and all, in about 6 hours.
bloodforbones
Shit that last one is more helpful than I wanted it to be, I’ll never look at pigs the same
chinesewaffles2
Reblogging for *educational* purposes :)
This post is legendary and I’m so glad I found it. I love all the advice. Except the icicle. That’s technically impossible. Use a disposable knife instead and break the handle.
nintendostabo
use a glass knife with wooden handle for ultimate wounding. its gonna leave a severe fucking wound and u can burn the wood and melt down the glass if it doesnt shatter inside the victim.
Thomas what did i tell you about making suspiious posts?
tamaravonb
I love learning.
fandoms-of-a-tired-ravenclaw
IT’S ON MY DASH I REPEAT IT’S ON MY DASH.
ON MY DASH
emo-scooby-snack-loving-giant
WHAT THE FUCK IT’S ON MY DASH. ALSO JEVER TRUST ANYONE WITH MORE THEN 3 pigs
louderthan-godsrevolver
Always reblog
creativecalico
“Never trust anyone with more than 3 pigs” is the best thing I’ve ever read
on another note, I just remembered Roald Dahl wrote Lamb to the Slaughter (I read it in sophomore year)
Dummies.
Bury one (1) oyster in the yard for two weeks. Put it on the plate with a bunch of others, serve to victim.
There’s plenty of health risks when it comes to eating raw seafood- No one will bat an eye.
World Heritage Post
saskirby reblogged
I was walking in the forest during winter, and saw a wendigo sitting under a tree. I asked it if it was going to kill me. It said, “No, this is just a dream.” So I sat next to it in the snow for a bit and then he said, “The anger in your heart warms you now, but will leave you cold in your grave.” And then I woke up.
corvell
Well SOMEONE’S third eye is wide fucking open
I love this post so I made a thing.
World Heritage Post
saskirby reblogged
Would you like to read a book in which this happens?
It’s one of my all-time favorite books. It’s called Ella Minnow Pea by Mark Dunn. He describes it as an “progressively lipogrammatic epistolary fable.”
It is written in the form of letters between the citizens of the fictional island of Nollop, an independent nation off the coast of South Carolina and home of Nevin Nollop, who invented the phrase “the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.” That phrase is written in tiles over a statue of Nollop in their town square, and when one night a storm causes one of the tiles to fall, the council decides that it’s a sign from Nollop that they are no longer allowed to use that letter, in speech or writing, on pain of progressive punishments including public beating and up to banishment.
Then another tile falls. Then another.
The citizens, who are all very attached to their words and writing, mount a campaign to come up with a phrase that uses all 26 letters but is shorter than Nollop’s, thus proving that he was not divine and negating all the edicts.
Because the novel is told in the form of letters the citizens write, and this is the genius part…the author must also stop using the letters as they fall. So the book gradually stops using letters until at one point I think they’re down to just five.
The resolution literally made me get up and dance around the room.
It’s clever, creative, and a not-really-veiled-at-all parable about monotheistic oligarchy. It’s not a long book, you can read it in an afternoon.
GO READ IT RIGHT NOW.
World Heritage Post
saskirby reblogged
Untitled.
i made a comic in google slides for some ungodly reason
the long-awaited sequel, Untitled #2
Untitled #3 explores the formulaic entertainment mass-produced by the pawns of capitalism. Or I just wanted to say ass. One of the two.
Untitled #4: the plot thiccens. also there’s a plot apparently
Untitled #5. This whole comic is 23 strips long, and I’ll be doing daily uploads until it’s all posted. Thanks for the great response y’all.
Untitled #6. Okay so firstly, HOLY FUCK Y’ALL. I did NOT expect this comic to get notes, let alone fanart. The most recent strip will always be linked at the bottom of my pinned post, so you can check there to see if you’re caught up.
Untitled #7. Not much to say here. I hope you’re having a good day!
Untitled #8. The true plot begins.
Untitled #9. The Creator can possess Red because I, like Red, have a phenomenal ass. That’s it. It’s not that deep.
Untitled #10. *slaps roof of blue square* this bad boy can fit so much fucking existential despair
Untitled #11. Bet you didn’t expect the ass jokes comic to come to this now did you
Untitled #12. Red is fucking pissed at me. sorry buddy
Untitled #13. I indeed cannot have a comic without characters. Well played, Red.
Untitled #14. Red has his priorities straight.
Untitled #15. It would be funny if this were the last strip but I promise it isn’t. I put too much effort into the end of the comic to stop it now.
Untitled #16. Nice try, Red. Nice try.
Untitled #17. The paradox of omnipotence perpetually vexes me :(
Untitled #18. Let’s not have any ambiguity: Red’s dead. Hey, that rhymes! Neat!
Untitled #19. While strip 18 coincidentally did fall on April Fool’s, it wasn’t a prank. This comic has two characters now. Remember when this comic was about ass jokes?
Untitled #20. Three more strips to go. Holy shit.
Untitled #21. ass haha
Untitled #22. What am I going to do? Who knows… Find out tomorrow at roughly 8:30 AM EST!
Untitled #23.
World Heritage Post
saskirby reblogged
ratguzzler-deactivated20181213
World Heritage Post
saskirby reblogged
Today's Adventure is that I, after an unintentional 13-hour power nap,
- Got woken up at 6AM by a phone call from a friend stranded in Montana because of the heat wave and almost no cell service because of their crap provider.
- OhSoThat'sHowIt'sGonnaBe.jpg
- Ok.
- I somehow summon a week's worth of spoons and in less than 30 minutes and 5 phone calls, get them
- A hotel
- An appointment with a mechanic from 2 states away
- A perscription refilled from 2 states away
- and A Pizza
- Go me.
- But then it's 8AM and there are unscheduled live humans at the door and while EVERGENCY MODE is still on, I have already blown through a ton of spoons, and also probably shouldn't meet whoever it is wearing just a pair of bootyshorts that say "CRYPTID" in Gothic Font on my ass.
- So I greet them in those shorts and a T-shirt that I manage to put on both inside out and backwards
- #nailedit
- It is, Fortunately, not the mormons.
- it is, Unfortunately, two UPS guys trying to deliver my other in-house friend's new phone except the new guy doesn't know how to operate the "sign for package" device, and the old guy that's supposed to be mentoring him is like, 92, deaf as a post, and doesn't actually know how to operate the device either.
- by the way
- it is already
- over 100 out
- it takes almost 30 minutes to sign for the phone
- when i get back inside, i discover that apparently the Corgi has learned how to open his kennel from the inside because he is now out of the kennel and waiting for me to come in.
- he also has cat litter all over his face because while he was waiting for me he also learned how to open the baby gate to the cat's room and help himself to a cat shit breakfast.
- He'll be fine
- He's a cattle dog, they're legally required to have at least 1 really disgusting snack they love.
- but
- more to the point
- i have no idea at what point he learned to open his kennel from the inside
- has he been staying there out of politeness this whole time??
- And
- I got other shit to do today.
- namely.
- I'm seeing a realator
- The Devils most pathetic yet effective demons
- I get a reminder text that I have an appointment with her
- at least
- I think that's what it is because what she sends me is: "🏡⏰12:00 ❔"
- With the time typed in the middle like that.
- She is, according to her profile, at least 80.
- so I reply "😎👍"
- and then she sends me a string of GODDAMN POST-MODERN EMOJI HEIROGLYPHICS THAT TAKE UP MY ENTIRE SCREEN.
- She's on an iPhone so half of them don't even translate across platforms
- It takes me half an hour and three different software programs and goddamn wingdings to translate, but she has sent me the address and rules about masking and not wearing shoes inside.
- in emoji
- instead of like
- literally any other format
- I am
- FASCINATED
- and simply must meet the woman so if I don't come back to update I got stolen by the fairies but I'm taking the Corgi with me as protection so I'll see y'all later.
Update:
- It's not fairies
- It's Doris.
- might be about to get a sewing machine and/or start an ACAB riot.
Ok, so:
- I'm going to see a prospective house because due to various circumstances, I'm probably going to be moving to the other side of a major metropolitan area in the next few months, but that's not important.
- I get to the house
- I get a text from the realtor
- The realtor is not the person who has been texting me in emoji
- The person texting me in emoji is the homeowner, who the realtor says will let me in if I want, she's running late.
- Sure
- Why not
- I put Herschel on leash and go to the front door
- As much crime as he commits at home Herschel The Hanukkah Goblin has terrific public manners, and is Very Cute so I'm about 90% sure the emoji fairy is going to let me take him through the house
- Door opens.
- 90-something blue haired old lady with a spine like a question mark and glasses that could be used as telescope lenses opens the door.
- "OH [Gallus]! How lovely to see you!"
- This woman clearly knows me because she remembers my anniversary was last week and that my sister is back from Australia.
- Problem is
- I know about 500 geriatric ladies with blue hair, scoliosis and extreme prescription glasses, because I am a member of 2 quilt guilds, the scientific illustration guild, the rocky mountain SCA and stagehand for three different theater companies, so I know everyone's grandma and fuck me if I can tell them apart.
- Wait
- There's a quilt in thekitchen, visible front hall
- I don't know faces but apparently I can recognize applique techniques at 40paces.
- "...Doris? From SAQA?"
- "YES! Who is this handsome little man?"
- Herschel speaks enough English to know that "handsome little man" means "this person will feed me milk bones and bacon if I'm cute enough"
- Immediately does a Sit Pretty and Shake.
- Doris is bewitched
- This is fine, but I also know I'm about to severely disappoint the realtor because there is no way in hell I'm moving into this House.
- Because
- The reason Doris is moving out is that her neighbor is a Cunt Magnifique and has been harassing Doris and everyone else to form an HOA and "improve the quality of our residents" because this woman has nothing better to do than be a racist-ass busy body, and recently, she's set her husband, a county sheriff on Doris, trying to bully her into signing paperwork and threatening her with legal action and writing her up for bullshit property violations
- Ain't putting up with that shit
- And neither is Doris, so she's selling all her shit and moving out to live with her grandchildren in Santa Monica.
- But she's technologically impaired, so the only indication that there is an estate sale happening is a small paper sign in her front yard.
- "Doris." I say, as Herschel makes himself comfortable on the couch for belly rubs and pieces of ham. "Did you tell SAQA or FRCC or anyone on Facebook that you're having the sale?"
- "oh, I don't know how to do all that!" She sighs. "I tried to call the Denver post but they just put me on hold for ages..."
- "Watch Herschel for 20 minutes and he's only allowed to have that one piece of ham."
- Pics of everything
- Address, time and pics to Facebook, both quilt guilds she's in, two more I have contacts for, nextdoor, and the local SCA discord for good measure.
- It's 12 minutes and Herschel persuaded her to give him at least three pieces of ham.
- He is petitioning for a fourth by doing a little puppy dance on the living room rug.
- "OK, that's enough ham, people will be here in 10. Where is your cash box?"
- Because apparently I'm running an estate sale today too.
- It's fine :)
- There's about 7 minutes of quiet.
- Then
- They DESCEND
- The first on the scene is DeeDee, who doesn't believe in speed limits. She's arrived with a horse trailer. I remember that she is also moving.
- "HI DORIS SWEETHEART WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL I HAD NO IDEA THIS WAS TODAY I WAS GOING TO TAKE ALL THIS TO THE GOODWILL HERE LET ME SET UP ON YOUR LAWN "
- DeeDee is 73, and has a special spiritual bond with Hello Kitty. She weighs like 98lbs, dresses exclusively in neon pink sanrio clothes and the kind of eye makeup drag queens aspire to.
- She also speaks non-stop at a volume normally associated with jet engines.
- Half the horse trailer is already spread out on the lawn.
- Doris is putting price stickers on stuff
- Herschel is trying to tear open a bag of cotton batting.
- This, and the arrival of approximately 56 minivans, five more trucks with horse trailers and Corgi Excitement Screaming alert Cunt Magnifique that something is happening outside.
- Madame saunters off her porch up to Doris and Demands to know what's happening, you're supposed to notify the neighborhood and get a permit to-"
- Doris, surrounded by her pack of silver wolves, shouts. "OH HELLO! EVERYONE, THIS IS MARCIA. I'VE TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT MARCIA." >:)c
... further details in a bit I think the Vikings are here.
~`* SOMEONE'S GETTING FIRED!!*`~
OK so.
- You know those high school house parties you see in movies, where the person invites only a few friends, but those friends call their friends, and those friends call THEIR friends and soon like 500 people show up to one house and someone calls the cops and that one John Mulaney sketch with "SCATTER!" happens?
- Old people will 100% do this too, except instead of a house party it's an estate sale on a wednesday afternoon and when the cop shows up there are lawyers present and he is in DEEP SHIT because his wife just spent the afternoon admitting to doing a bunch of wildly illegal shit on tape.
- So when we left off, the party had really started getting underway, because Marcia the Cunt Magnifique had decided to crash the estate sale and whine about "we're supposed to coordinate garage sales as a neighborhood" and "your friends are blocking traffic on this cul-de-sac while nobody is home" weh weh-
- DeeDee is about ready to throw hands but she is nowhere near the most dangerous of the Silver Silver Wolves.
- That's Dr. Ruth.
- Dr. Ruth turned 99 this year and went paragliding for her birthday
- So you understand just how hard she goes
- Dr. Ruth sort of hobbles over and point-blank asks "So I understand you've been trying to start a homeowner's association?" :3c
- Marcia
- Entirely misunderstanding how much danger she's in
- Starts enumerating the TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS of trying to start one, because SOME PEOPLE DON'T RESPECT AUTHORITY and all the paperwork and talking to people and she even had to ask HER HUSBAND. A SHERRIF. To go around and hand people stuff to sign.
- Some people, right?
- Dr. Ruth nods. Some people. She agrees.
- You know.
- Her son is a lawyer.
- Why doesn't she give him a call?
- Marcia, a Moron: Oh that'd be great!
- Dr. Ruth, hobbling back to Doris: "Don't worry. David will handle this."
- Meanwhile
- The Friends-Of-Friends and the Friends-Of-Friends-Of-Friends are arriving, lured in because they heard the words "Longarm Sewing Machine" and "Hand-made quilts"
- Various factions present include but are far from limited to: -Probably Six Quilt Guilds -The Denver Art League -The Denver Leather League -The Vikings -The Klingons -The Colorado Wild Game Share -A Pack of Scientific Illustrators -A Pack of Assorted Scientists they brought with them -The Sheep Lesbians -The Horse Lesbians -Three Extremely Competent Finnish People (My Scientific Illustration Professor and her sisters) who immediately take over the estate sale and turn it into an auction to maximize profit and keep the taxes in order.
- Someone brings two additional Corgi called "Cap" and "Bucky"
- They are Pembroke Corgi, and weigh about 21lbs apiece
- Herschel is a Cardigan Welsh Corgi and weighs 42lbs because he's hug even for a Cardigan, and is Delighted with his New Minions.
- They worship him as a God and follow him around so every time he sticks his face in something two smaller corgi faces immediately follow, like some kind of adorable cerberus.
- Pelts and meat shares are being traded out of the backs of trucks and vans
- Someone is making bratwurst.
- Intrigued by the Brouhaha, Doris' neighbors emerge.
- They are also Geriatric and very nervous, because Marcia has been harassing them too.
- They are telling this to the members of these factions that are also lawyers.
- There are at least 5 of them so far and David isn't even here yet.
- I realize my realtor isn't even here.
- I decide to text her.
- She is somewhere in the crowd and having a nervous breakdown because She's SO LATE!!!
- Ma'am.
- It's 103 out.
- I was just handed a freshly grilled Brat
- Some bitch is incriminating herself on the lawn.
- Nothing scheduled is happening.
- Come sit in the yard and watch the Corgis play on the Palyskool plastic slide set. They're disassembling it like tiny furry engineers.
- Have a bratwurst.
- One of the Klingons appears, having physically carried my realtor through the crowd, and gently deposits her on the lawn before handing her a Bratwurst.
- Diane, the Realtor, is not much older than I am, and from the preppie swaths of society that has "Never had a dog growing up" and "Didn't Know People Could Just. Make. Blankets?" and "What is this? It's like a hot dog but spicy?"
- She is having a LEARNING EXPERIENCE.
- One of the Horse Lesbians comes over and compliments Diane on her Dior handbag.
- Diane thanks her ans compliments the apparently expensive brand scarf she has on. Do you. Know all these people?
- Horse Lesbian explains that she's part of the SCA, and what that is, and that why yes. Her girlfriend Tasha is an armorer. Yes like for knights.
- More Livestock Lesbians assemble.
- They are pulling off shirts to show off livestock and battle scars, and biceps.
- Diane is LEARNING A LOT TODAY.
- I am just getting everyone's contact info and making sure Herschel does not consume his weight in bratwurst.
- BWOOP!
- Uh-Oh.
- Marcia's Husband is here.
- I step out front.
- He has used the siren to largely part the crowd and pull into his driveway but it has closed around him and there is No Escape.
- He starts huffing and puffing about blocked traffic and permits and the like, but this is not his usual Can-Bully-Without-Consequences crowd.
- These are Grandmas.
- Veterans of the 60's protest front who never let up.
- He's starting to turn bright red and looks like he's about to cry and I've got my phone out to record whatever Incident is about to occur.
- -And a Mercedes pulls up.
- It's David.
- Dr. Ruth's son.
- The Lawyer.
- And I emphasize that The because David is not some mere ambulance chaser.
- David is the guy that the state sends to prosecute Corporate Fraud and Organized Crime and Other State Departments.
- David was part of the team that took down the CO Branch of the KKK.
- David is all of 5'4", very round and a balding little man that looks like the Dictonary Definition of "Nebbish" that moves with such intense confidence and authority that he pretty much has the Pillar Men Theme Blasting behind him at all times.
- So when he and three other lawyers from the state's office step out of the car
- Mr. Sherrif goes from red to while like color-changing octopus and I am like 50% sure he shit himself.
- Because what he and Marcia have been doing is Very, Very, Very, VERY, Fucking Illegal.
- "mArCiA!" he garbles. "sHuT tHe fUcK uP!"
- Marcia is standing in the middle of the cul-de-sac, having spent the last 3 hours recounting to anyone who will listen about the 'measures she's had to take' and now the 5 lawyers that were here are delightedly handing over the paperwork that she had forced on Doris and her Neighbors, and pointing at all the doorbell cameras and witnesses out to the state's top prosecutor.
- Friends
- I ugly laughed.
- FOUR HOURS LATER: -Auction wrapped up with a solid $40K to Doris' name plus pending sales on some of her larger furniture and antiques
- Plus whatever David gets in damages from the county sherrif's office.
- Marcia and husband are fucking busted
- Herschel spent all afternoon running around and eating snacks and is passed out on the floor
- Diane is "meeting up with" one of the Horse Lesbians next week.
- The sewing machine went to someone else but I did open my purse and found out Doris or someone shoved a bunch of cash in there.
- I'm getting ice dream and going to bed.
World Heritage Post
saskirby reblogged
iamonlykidding
bootlenooty
verdeinvolumes
barawerewolff
cynn-cynn
gamerphobic
softecat
It’s time to activate it…
Bites The Dust! now this entire post will be reversed!
kars-did-nothing-wrong
the-little-birb-prince
Am I having a fucking stroke
what the fuck was that
World Heritage Post
saskirby reblogged
Mammals both produce milk and have hair. Ergo, a coconut is a mammal.
maliwanhellfires
I know you’re being facetious, but this is an actual issue with morphology-based phylogeny.
castiel-for-king
*leans over and whispers to person beside me* what are they talking about
sonneillonv
*leans over and whispers back* Human ability to quantify and categorize natural phenomena is sketchy at best and wildly misleading at worst
consider the coconut
this reminds me of that time Plato defined humans as “featherless bipeds” and Diogenes ran in with a plucked chicken screaming “BEHOLD A MAN!”
erotic-yoddeling
i love how you say “it reminds me of that time” like you were there.
listen if an immortal feels brave and supported enough to come out we should respect them
This post is a journey
1 Reblog = 1 Respect
I maintain that humans started attempting classify animals, and some god or another made the platypus, and is still laughing.
messy-scandinoodle
Zeus: *hits joint* okay so like. It’s gonna have a duck bill right. But an otter body okay? And then a beaver tail. It’s a mammal. But. It lays eggs!
Hades: wait wait dude. Give it. Give it poison. Make it poisonous
Athena: You mean venomous, and make sure the eggs have both reptile and bird traits. Hermes: *takes the joint* Give it extra senses. Poseidon: It should be aquatic.
I MEAN where’s the lie
Demeter: … And where exactly do you expect me to put this? Everyone: Australia.
World Heritage Post
saskirby reblogged
happy halloween! here is a ghost duet
World Heritage Post