hey does anybody want to see my collection of slightly distorted pictures of cats as viewed through glasses
too late i’ve decided for you that you do
here they are
french recipes: if you’re not making this in paris then what’s the point. fuck you
italian recipes: use the left leg meat of a pig from one of three farms in this specific area of tuscany, or from this day my grandmother will begin manifesting physically in your house
american recipes: buy these three cans of stuff and put them in a pan congrats you cooked
chinese recipes, as handed down from mother to child: season it with a pinch of this and some of that. you want to know the exact amount? feel it in your heart. ask the stars. yell into the void.
English recipes: boil and salt it. Okay that’s it enjoy
Greek recipes: You followed all the right steps but this isn’t quite right. I don’t know what to tell you.
Australia recipes: chuck it on the barbie
Latinx recipes: you will never make it better than your abuela, face the facts
Armenian recipes: spend eight days laboring over the stove. the food will be flavorful with the sacrifice of your sanity. no one will appreciate it.
Canadian recipes: It either needs more bacon, more maple syrup, more gravy, or an unholy combination of the three
Polish recipes: you have to toUCH THE DOUGH, FEEL THE PIEROGI IN YOUR HEART, TOUCH IT. LICK IT. SMELL IT.
Every time I see this post, I learn more about how different countries’ cuisines AND neuroses.
Indian recipes: there are 500 cuisines and that means 500 versions of this dish that has 500 spices so gl
ashki jewish recipes: no, no. no. more onion.
internet recipes: here is a heartwarming story about my baby sister’s third birthday that i completely made up, and a copypaste from alton brown.
Irish recipes:
cats are so fake like they’re theoretically related to apex predators and yet they weigh 8 pounds, sleep 20 hours a day, and scream if you feed them half an hour later than usual
I deeply sympathize because I also like to sleep an unreasonable amount and yell when hungry.
incidentally, you are also an apex predator
Me: I love being out at night, I’m not scared of the dark!
tree: *exists, looking very vaguely like a person*
Me:
let’s talk about moonpie’s twitter
Moon pie is so nice and responsible
He’s a very good boy
Ohhh my God
Why would anyone want to consume it!?
I teach my 7th graders about the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide.
I bring in a graduated cylinder of it and we talk about how it’s used in nuclear power plants and gmo crops. How inhaling even the small amount I’m holding can lead to suffocation or even death. It’s found in vaccines and cancer cells, but also in infant formula and pet food. It is a huge component of acid rain, can cause severe burns, and has been found in places that were thought to be the most pristine and unpolluted locations on earth.
We talk about how there are little to no regulations on this chemical. No bans, no warning labels, and most manufacturers don’t even have to disclose their use of it in their products.
My students are outraged. We talk about what we can do. Create posters and flyers to spread awareness. Contact our senators with petitions to ban DHMO. Spread this information all over social media.
Then I explain that the real problem with dihydrogen monoxide is that….when I am thirsty…there is just nothing else as refreshing, and then I watch their looks of absolute shock and horror as I drink the entire vial down.
I. Fucking. Love. This.
This is how misinformation works. How propaganda works. How manipulation works.
may our education be stronger than fake news
Amen.
To those who don’t get it:
“Dihydrogen monoxide” is the chemical name for water, AKA H2O.
another important element of understanding the joke is understanding how pH levels work
yup. that’s a higher number alright.
“Everyone who has ever touched or consumed this chemical has died”
My sense of humor is growing more and more ridiculous because I was just sitting here by myself thinking like what if instead of saying “are you kidding me” we said weird food related things like “are you frying my rice right now” or even “are you seriously buttering all of my toast with this” and honestly I cried
this post is the best thing I’ve ever put on this site because I’m still getting messages and replies from people with their own versions of these jokes
I… I just had to explain to my fucking mother why a 17-year-old shouldn’t be dating a 27-year-old (this was following on from a conversation about Call Me By Your Name). I know that she has been in a number of toxic relationships, and dated a 24-year-old when she was 16-17, and this could be skewing her view of age gaps and healthy relationships; all the same, I’m majorly grossed out that she thinks that a ten year age gap is okay when a fucking child is involved.
At risk of seeming like a spammer, I want to run an experiment. Reblog this if you think that a 17-year-old shouldn’t be dating a 27-year-old. I’m going to write down your URLs and shove them under my mum’s nose so she can see how many people disagree with her.
Thank you!
Reblog if you are also not a straight people.
