Denial

Just when I belive in my soul that everything was perfect and this was as happy as I could be but no I'm just in denial I'm with a man that doesn't even want to have sex with me again why does this happen to me this is the second relationship that this has happened like I'm hot AF I HAVE A NICE BODY. So I'm not sure why I turn them off so much like what is it it's me because I want it and I can't have it and it's really ducking with me I can't have sex once a month and be cool with it jake seems amazing besides the fact that he abused me when he was on acid and he yells at me and calls me stupid he is really hard on me and it's very hard for me I have acted happy for so long that I think now it's starting to feel stupid to be happy like why I come home from work oh wait i don't even have a home I come to his home and get told I'm the only thing consistent that I'm stupid and it hurts after a while it's hard to be so unwanted but have no where to go so I'm stuck but I love him and he is everything to me

Here

I have made it I am here exactly where I want to be honestly this is the best most perfect situation So why the fuck is my stupid fucking brain telling me leave telling me run telling me you need to be alone you need to make it on your own but I am I am making it on my own I been I been making it for myself and taking care of another person on top of that my dumb ass brain my selfish stupid brain playing major tricks on me playing tricks on tricks I want to be here I want this happiness so please stop making me think otherwise myself and I been drinking more trying to cope with thease thoughts and on top of everything eating disorders and cutting the idea the words keep floating around my head I see them and I don't want them I don't want thease stupid thoughts thease fucking crazy thoughts is there a way to shut them off and still be breathing and living killing myself is not a option Rip chohen when I type your name chosen always comes up you were chosen anyways I'm still here trying to fight for my life smoking more and drinking more

I'm so lucky

Jake you have showed yourself to be trustworthy and I'm not scared you have settled my fears and have talked me into making me believe you won't hurt me so I trust it and I'm so happy that we found eachother you have built me up like no one else has I have always built myself it's so nice to have help to have someone want me to do as good as I want myself to be he is too perfect for me

Jake

Thank you for appreciating what I do for myself and everyone else Your mine and I'm obsessed

Loose a job

Get a new job actually just got a new job

When

I'm feeling not good enough or I'm not doing enough or whatever my mind is so strong to just automatically think I'm doing something wrong so I need to punish myself (i.e.) you know what this means

It's serious

Security to me knowing your there you have showed me time and time again I'm loving you now more then ever