"And His Name Shall Be Called Something Hard to Remember", by Daniel Lavery (extract from Something That May Shock and Discredit You)
i blog for girls who were deeply lonely in elementary school and stayed that way
Years ago I overheard (eavesdropped upon) a telephone conversation between a public parks official and a golf course owner.
Parks Official: No sir, you cannot
Parks Official: No. They are a protected species
Parks Official: You CANNOT shoot them
Parks Official: Or poison them, no. Or trap them
Parks Official: If you like, we can-- no, I'm it. I'm the ranking official here. There's nobody above me. My boss? You mean... the governor's office? Sure, I guess. Okay bye
After he hung up, he gave me this thousand-yard stare before answering my unvoiced question.
"There's a flock of flamingos at the 9th green disrupting golfers. He wanted permission to go out there with a shotgun and take care of matters, but sensed there might be... legal ramifications. So he called us."
I laughed. "Does that happen often?"
"Oh, we get calls like that a couple times a month."
Country clubs should be burned to the ground and their golf courses turned into community gardens i am 10000% serious
Was golf created for the sole purpose of hoarding ridiculously large amounts of land just to brag about how little they use it?
just a reminder to my new followers that if were ever able to cross the explanatory gap and share our color perception qualia with each other, proving finally that we all do see colors differently, my red is real as shit and youve been seeing crap fake red. so come to terms with your shit fake red while it lasts
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXY
25/26
i wasnt finished yet
twitter limiting the amount of tweets you get to read per day is ridiculous but if tiktok limited the amount of videos people got to see per day it would be the biggest win for mental health since ssris
online is real
everything online is real. there have been decades of cultural mythologizing about the internet that place it in contrast to reality--the internet is framed as immaterial, as ephemeral. the internet is 'just data', it's weightless and abstract. things taking place on the internet are 'just online', they're not 'really' happening. this isn't true.
of course, there's the elementary fact that many things that are immaterial with no physical form are still real. monetary value is real, even if you cannot find me an atom of it. the german border is real even where it is not physically demarcated. they are real and physical in that they shape real and physical human interactions. but the internet is in fact far more real than that: every single piece of data on the internet exists physically on a disk somewhere as a pattern of magnetic charges. 'the cloud' sounds like it's a weightless and fluffy thing, but 'the cloud' is this:
this is the cloud--a google data center, to be exact. amazon web services is not an immaterial or abstract thing; it is over 26 million square feet of data centers, of physical computers inside physical buildings where data is physically recorded. access to the internet is provided by cables, including the thousands of miles of undersea infrastructure which make the global internet possible. 4G, 5G, wifi, these are all made possible by physical apparatuses sending out radio waves.
all computer infrastructure everywhere is made possible by cobalt and lithium and gallium and so on--mined out of the ground, by an extractive mining industry which exploits the people and resources of the global south. estimates for how much electricity 'the internet' uses vary wildly, but it's at minimum measured in gigawatts--and so coal and nuclear power plants and wind farms and hydroelectric dams and the coal and uranium and bauxite mining which builds them are inseparable from 'the internet'. google programmers do not live in the astral plane, they work from buildings (and outsource work to india) which need to be cleaned and maintained and worked in and driven back and forth from.
youtube videos are 'online' but of course if you film something happening and upload it that thing still really happened. if a physical action, whether that be a terrorist attack or a protest or a sexual hookup or an act of ethic violence, is mediated and planned online, that thing really happens in the real world. the idea of 'just online', this platonic real divorced from a cleanly delineated 'outside' or 'real world' is just wrong. it is wrong in more or less every single way. every program or function your computer has or video or picture or word you see on the computer is the result of people doing actual physical things. you are seeing it by grace of miles of cable and tons and tons of machinery and power plants and the guy who sweeps the floors at the indian IT firm facebook outsources. online is real.
Submarine fiber optic cables
Satellites and debris around earth
funnytwittertweets
Get hot water, not boiling hot but almost hotter than you can stand, and put a metal spoon in it for a few seconds. Take the spoon and put it against the mosquito bite for about 30 seconds. Do it a few times if you like. The proteins that cause the itching are susceptible to heat and break down.
WHY DON’T THEY TEACH THIS SHIT I have four decades of suffering from skeeter bites behind me
One study on 146 individuals treated with a Bite-Away heat pen found similarly effective results from heat treatment; thankfully, spoons dunked in water cost way less than the Bite-Away’s 30 bucks.
You can also blast the bite with a hair dryer - learned this from my mom and it works great
My body comes equipped with a 'heat the fucker up' reaction for viruses and it won't use it on this bastard itch poison? It makes me apply the heat myself? Fuck my body.
living with your parents is so weird. you are never alone. you are always lonely. you can't tell them anything. they are the first people you want to call when something happens. they don't understand you at all. they are always there for you with words of wisdom. you need privacy. you just want a fucking hug. the home feels so warm and lively. your bed and your heart feel so, so cold. you are loved. you will literally cry if they don't stop talking. you cannot spend another minute in the house. you cannot bear to leave.
my gf just ripped some ungodly ass that had my eyes watering i mean absolutely noxious it was so bad i made her leave the bedroom until she was done and i opened the window and shoved my head out so i didn’t throw up breathing in the tainted air of our once peaceful bedroom.
anyways once it dissipated and i got back into bed she walked back in and looked me in the eyes and said “sorry for farty rocking 🥺”
this is what she looked like
the group chat when i ask whos available to hang out next week
Honestly this is one of the best formatted jokes of all time.