me at 15: when I’m 25 I’ll have my life together!!! me now: at…..45…..maybe I’ll be doing…kind of ok by then

i really don’t want to do any of this… i want to move into a cabin in the forest and chop wood and make soup like that’s it honestly

i don’t know why this is so fucking funny but IT IS

Tumblr is like a public space where I could just lie on the ground and take a nap and nobody would bat an eye

Therapists are just…. Common sense filters

Me: yeah so I just don’t have the energy to get up and make myself a sandwich or wait for something to cook so I just. Don’t

Her: why don’t you just eat the sandwich components without putting them together

Me:

Her: you can just eat a handful of cheese and some sandwich meat. You don’t have to make a sandwich.

Me:

Me: what

You dont have to make the sandwitch

Shoutout to the people who don’t think double texts seem clingy or uncool text me all day spam me I’m into that kinda shit.

my budget is a fucking mess. i‘ve got the spending habits of a victorian dandy on the salary of a medieval serf. i’m living like post-incarceration oscar wilde with prime 2-day shipping

it’s wild how my face/my perception of my face changes so much on a daily basis. like some days I look in the mirror & am like ‘damn bitch you’re gonna start a war’ & other days are like ‘damn bitch not one (1) single ship would sail to Troy for you’

Hands down my favorite part of Night At The Museum is that it’s low key the plot of The Mummy (1999) but like, chill.

Like Rami Malek’s character isn’t like a mannequin come to life like the rest of them. He’s 100% a 3000 year old reanimated corpse. And everyone’s just fine with it.

He could just take the tablet and fully walk out of the museum and just live his life but he’s a bro and would rather be a glorified docent.

my first attempt at a creepypasta (beginner here; go easy on me)

not gonna lie chief if your stance on incest shipping isnt an automatic “ew thats fucking abhorrent” then you will get these hands

“But X is adopted so technically-“

i’m so in love with domestic sweetness.

cooking dinner with the one you love while they wrap their arms around you. taking quick kiss breaks in between folding fresh laundry. washing each other’s hair in the shower. giggling and rolling around in the fresh sheets you both just finished putting on. dusting while showing off your latest dance moves and having your sweetheart show off their vocals.

it’s so comforting to have someone that you just enjoy making a home with. because chores done with someone you love isn’t such a chore after all.

when jeff goldblum understands makeup criticisms better than anyone i’ve ever seen defending makeup in the name of self empowerment all in a stupid over/under interview

scottish twitter strikes again

me: tries to sign into my google account

google: this UGLY bitch just tried to HACK into your account. destroy all your electronic devices to prevent this

Sandra Oh in The Princess Diaries (2001)

Why are John Mulaney and Anna so cute?

Get you a man who looks at you like John Mulaney looks at his wife 👌

some of you have never treated a cat with enough love and kindness to experience their adoration and trust and it shows