The version of me from 5 years ago was a quiet high school junior who was just joining crew and learning to be confident in my own body. I read books, had like 2 friends, and was terrified of the concept of college because I had no clue what I wanted to do. The boldest thing I did with my hair was dye the tips burgundy in support of a family friend with Multiple Myeloma, otherwise the only thing I could do was put it in a ponytail, I had two piercings in each ear that were always empty, and I could never wear shorts that were higher than my knees. I had no social skills, no social life, no life skills, and thought I was going to live in my parents house forever with no future.
The version of me today is a nurse supervisor for the peds office I’ve been working at since I graduated nursing school 3 years ago. 3 out of the 4 days I work next week, I will be there open to close as the only nurse. That means in office triage, answering the phone, giving shots, taking care of documents, for 10 hours, all alone. And I know I can do it. Because I’ve done it before. I did it last week. And the week before. And the week before that. I like having another nurse to work with and help balance, but I know I have the skills and knowledge to do it by myself. I have to remember to order some vaccines on Monday. Because I can do that, it’s part of my supervisor duties.
In the summer I also am a coxswain for the local adult crew league. I don’t race because I prefer crew for fun, so I usually Cox novice or intermediate boats, which are new rowers, and returning rowers looking to improve their skills to advance to the racing teams, respectively, but I have coxed, and won races. I’m primarily a coxswain, but when I first started crew I was a rower. I can row both sides. I can scull. I can bow Cox. I’m certified to drive a launch. I can do pretty much anything but coach, but only because I have no desire to coach.
Every month I take a kitchen stool and sit on the deck so my mom can trim down my undercut. Every few months we cut the rest of my hair short again. As short as I can, as long as I can still put it in a ponytail and a French braid. Do I still have a ponytail almost daily? Yes, but I don’t like the feeling of my hair on the back of my neck, so I don’t leave it down often. But when I do, I like to part it a certain way so it’s very wavy and pretty. I can’t dye it anymore because if work, but I would if I could. I have a huge box of earrings, an accumulation of a few years. I have three piercings on each side now, and wear full sets of earrings almost every single day. I plan to get more. Do I still wear mostly cargo shorts? Yes, they’re comfy and have pockets galore. Do I have a pair of rather short shorts that I feel fantastic in and wear when I’m in the mood? Also yes. I can wear leggings and athletic shorts without feeling self-conscious. I’m short and solid and not skinny. But there’s muscle. I know this because my novice year of high school crew, we did a plank test, and I outlasted all the girls and all but two of the boys. Because I am strong, even if it doesn’t show.
I bought my first car last year. A good car, completely new, with my own money. Tomorrow I plan to spend the day hanging out with my brother and knitting. My mom, who had just learned to knit herself, taught me the basics of knitting on New Years Day 2021. It’s April, and I can make a pair of fingerless gloves in a day. I’m currently working on a headband my coworker asked me to make. I have friends that I texted when I went to get yarn, saying I was probably going to leave with way more yarn than I went to get, friends who texted back to laugh with me when I did exactly that. I’m bi and ace, and fuckin proud of it.
The version of me from 5 years ago wouldn’t just be proud of me.
She would be in fucking awe of the person I am now.
And I sure as shit don’t plan on stopping now.
