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@sanayaonana

Are you?

Okay here's the deal.

I have this friend of mine, who I was with way back Junior years. When I have problems, I would sometimes talk to her about it. Typical, friendship stuffs.

So I was really happy when I learned that we would be blockmates on our first year of college.

She was smart, and I'm just your average girl, but I'm not dumb.

I've earned myself some certificates along my journey and during my Senior years, I've gained some name for being one of the outstanding student in the class.

I know she was good at stuffs so I got dependent to her - a wrong move.

She started belittling me. She started to insult me in a way that would come off as an innocent joke to others but we both know the truth.

She's making me feel bad about myself. She's making me doubt my abilities. She's making me feel stupid. She's making me feel unfit. And yet, here she is, calling herself my friend - bestfriend to be exact.

-ny

09 | 28 | 19

6:32 P.M.

Blog 5

Feel like 2018 has been a year of changes. A lot of shit happened and I’m hoping 2019 will be the year of positivity and non-stop opportunities!

"You're the only star I see tonight"

-ny

friend s h e e t

We we're a group of four in 11th grade - Zeke, Trish, Brit and Me

Everything was normal, everything was fun.

We strive to help each other and be with each other.

12th grade came, and Zeke have to transfer schools. Though he was the youngest of is four, he was the most mature.

When he left, some misunderstanding happened between the two - Brit and Trish

I stayed with Trish though it was partly her fault. I know Brit would understand cause Trish never really had a friend outside our circle of friend.

When the day that their fight was over, Trish made something that surprised me.

She started to hang out with someone she made me hate - Sia. Sia started to hang out with me and Trish when Brit started to distance because of their fight. It was fine with me, I'm open to all types of friend.

Only to know, Sia hates my everything. Idk why though and she started to drag Trish outta my life.

I was devastated at first. But not anymore. Because I don't count someone who backstabs me with the person she made me hate - my friend. Is she even my friend in the first place? Trish, are you even human?

To Zeke who doesn't have any idea on what's going on. I'm sorry. For you don't deserve this kind of friends. You don't need sheets.

-ny

11 | 21 | 18

6:32 AM

Blog 4

How's your day going?

Hi. I just want to ask, how's your day going?

Was it good? Bad? Like always?

Because if you ask me how my day went, this day - so far - is just the worst day ever.

November 19th year 2018

I woke up with an uncomfortable feeling - probably because of some reasons that is for me to keep. It feels like the bed advising me not to get up or what but I need to be early for today's P.E. practice.

So, I got up and started my morning routines. When I was about to have my breakfast Mom kept on babbling about things and getting mad at me for not keeping my closet clean when in fact I have the cleanest closet when compared to my two siblings.

I'm that type of person who doesn't want to be disturbed or annoyed when eating. So, with my Mom getting mad at me, I also got mad but of course I still love and respect my Mom so I don't have to vent out my frustration instead I told her that I lost my appetite and I have to leave early.

As if she'd just let me slip with that. So, she followed me around while getting mad at me and it was really getting on me. I moved fast just to finish my routines and leave the house earlier than usual.

P.E practice came and I was frustrated over the fact that we have to lay down on the ground. It would have been fine if it was something soft like grass or something like grass or what. Guess what? The leader let us lay down on the hot, rough and cracked ground. She even gets mad at us when we rant a little. Like wth bish why won't you try to lay down and have a staring contest with the sun. But I once again kept that to myself because we only have 2 hours or what of practice - It was already 8 AM and P.E. class starts at 10 AM and we have a performance to show. When P.E. class came. Our teacher told us that the performance was moved to 12th of December and he already told the Leader. Wow.

My class schedule everyday starts from 12:30 PM to 5:30 PM. No snack breaks so if you want to have energy you have to eat lunch early but that doesn't happen every Tuesday because I would be taking P.E. class that day and it start at 10:30 to 12:30. So I skipped my Lunch.

When our first subject came we would be needing some apparatus for the Laboratory and if I don't take the initiative to borrow the apparatus myself no one in our group would. After the class, we noticed that one of the apparatus was missing and it was really not that important so we let it be. Whrn we came back to return the things the teacher got mad at me for being careless and all and did not return my identification card. I asked if I could replace the item, she said "no". I asked of I could just pay for it, still "no". Desperate, I asked her what can I do then? She told me to go look for it. Tf right? It was a transparent apparatus called glass slide cover and it really doesn't really matter if you break it or what because it is disposable and you really can't use it again once used.

I just left thinking that I would just ask again tomorrow for my ID and ask for an admission slip for me to show when the guards would look for my Identification card the next day.

I really was pulling myself to the positive side because I have no time to be depressed.

Next subject, this girl on my class started to act her attitude on me again. (I would probably write something about her)

I was really on the verge of exploding and when dinner came, my cousin who was just depending on my parents (I'd write something about her too) started to show off and act all nice and made my parents somehow look down on me. Yet again, I lost my appetite.

I excused myself telling them that I already had my dinner outside even though I did not and went to bed early. I was wondering why I was shaking so violently and realized that I did not literally eat all day. And when I started to go back to what happened, it really made me tear up. I share the same room with my sister so I hurriedly went to the bathroom opened the faucet and cried my eyes out. I texted my friends but they just seem to really take my problems seriously because I don't really cry over this kind of stuffs.

Then and there, I realized that I don't have anyone to run to except the bathroom and God.

-ny

11 | 20 | 18 (late upload)

6:31 PM

Blog 3

*a slight inconvenience occurs*
Ethan: *lays on the floor* I WANNA TAKE A NAP
Ethan: *crying* I'M TAKING A NAP RIGHT HERE
Ethan: GOODNIGHT
Grayson, from a distance: Ethan it's just cookie.
β€œAvoid people who mess with your head. Avoid people who intentionally and repeatedly do and say things that they know upset you. Avoid people who expect you to prioritize them but refuse to prioritize you. Avoid people who can’t and won’t apologize sincerely. Avoid. Avoid.”

β€” Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

A V O I D

inside
You welcomed it when it gently probed your mind
You shared to the world, treating it as a joke
You started to know better, you started to blame
It went flying towards you without the purpose of coming out - yet you accepted
Now asking yourself, was it really a joke
The one you were comfortable with, is now your destruction
As a token, it is now, eating you alive
Left with no choice you befriended it
It's not the monster under your bed

It's the monster inside you.