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the windscryer's archive

@samurljackson / samurljackson.tumblr.com

i am a walking (mostly) human (probably) tragedy (definitely). pronouns: they/them. | writing | art

i’m gonna make a movie where two normal ladies fall in love. everything’s chill, no age gap, they’re both out of the closet, their families love them, everything’s fine. the catch is that one lady has a cat and the other lady never figured out what the cat’s name was cause the Owner Lesbian ALWAYS uses a dumb nickname and now it’s been three years and they’re getting married and it’s too late to just ask

It’s garnering more and more urgency because the cat’s importance is growing (the cat is going to be the ring bearer, oh no!)

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The First Lady asks her fiancé if they should get a fancy collar with the cats name for the wedding and her fiancé throws her arms around her and says “great, would you go do that tomorrow?”

the longer i think about it the more that sounds like a valid conflict to base an entire movie around and the fewer problems i could think of that cant have a solid writing solution available

“Just wanted to confirm the spelling before I gave the order, hun. This shit is costly and I only got one form.”

“Oh, just the normal spelling, no crazy vowels or anything.”

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This is so good. Plus it’s not like you can try out likely names and see if the cat responds, like a dog might. It’s a cat. It’s just gonna sit and squint unblinkingly at you regardless, no matter how many names you try.

Plot twist:

It’s not a stupid nickname.

The cat really is “miss kitty.”

Y E S

no no no. the cat doesn’t have a name, the cat owner never decided on one so she just goes with various silly nicknames. but since her fiancée acts like she is aware of the cat’s name, the cat owner assumes the fiancée mistook one of the nicknames for the actual name. but she doesn’t know which! so the cat owner doesn’t know what the supposed cat name is either, and relies on the fiancée revealing it at some point, but it never comes and she’s getting agitated too because she doesn’t want to admit she never named her cat

Hey hey hey in a similar vein to ^^^

What if

Neither if then know the name

Because it’s neither of their cat.

The cat decided to move in about the same time one of the girls did. Both think it’s the other one’s cat. Both are committing these increasingly elaborate shenanigans to figure out the name from the other.

The true wlw miscommunication romcom we deserve

The Cat: I like these humans. They are idiots and also adorable. I think I’ll stay here.

one time i went up to my friend (also my coworker) and gave him hug from behind and just like held him there for a moment and our one regular client walked in and was like “huh….so are you guys like….winnie the pooh and piglet?” and i lost my fucking mind. what does that mean. i also said yes and that i was pooh.

me and this coworker are now dating and the same client client came into today and was like “sooo winnie the pooh and piglet?” again so we asked him what he meant and apparently those were the only two male fictional characters he could think of that hug

winnie the pooh heritage post

Tumblr is so funny because you can make a post like "hey do not mix bleach and vinegar in your cleaning, you'll make chlorine gas and you do not want to make chlorine gas. It is dangerous to mix these two specific chemicals together", and the comments are like

"Um vinegar isn't dangerous?? My mom cleans things with vinegar all the time and we have never had lung issues. White people are insane." (<- does not use bleach, missing the point)

"OH MY GOD BLEACH IS CHLORINE GAS? NOBODY EVER TOLD ME I'VE BEEN CLEANING WITH BLEACH MY WHOLE LIFE, I WILL DIE." (<- has literally never used vinegar in cleaning, and never mixed the two, missing the point)

"This is just stupid fearmongering, we use bleach and vinegar to wash the floors all the time, OP is lying." (<- does not actually know what "vinegar" is, and is confusing the word for something else)

"Yeah this is true enough but also keep in mind that this kind of household cleaning product chlorine gas is too weak and unreliable to use for domestic terrorism purposes." (<- raises concerns, but potentially has a point)

Lying to children is fun when they know you are being ridiculous. When you hold up a carrot like “guys look at this huge Cheeto” and they all scream “NOOOOOOOOO that’s a CARE-OTT!”

“What? No, it’s my giant Cheeto.”

“NOOOOOOO!”

When I was a camp counselor a fellow counselor claimed that any silly camp song we sang was “his next hit single” and we should all follow him on SoundCloud and he stuck by this daily and it never ceased to amuse both the adults and the children.

When children are small and learning to count and you say the numbers out of order? Peak comedy.

“How many toys are there? Let’s see… oneeee, twooo, six!”

“NO! One two three!”

“What? Are you sure? Let me try again. One, two… six?”

“Noooooo!”

Once reduced a toddler into a fit of giggles by singing “A B C D E F Q.”

on Halloween at the store i work at there was a little boy in a Batman costume, and as I was helping his mom I kept addressing him as Mr. Superman and Mr. Aquaman & he kept correcting me, “noooo, BATMAN” until they were leaving and he very seriously told me, “actully, I’m Ryan”

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my favourite thing to do when a small child hands me a random object with no clear intent is to answer it like a cell phone. Gets em every time

this morning i bent down to pick up my sweet kitty and as soon as i lifted his darling form into the air some candy hearts spilled from an open container in my jacket pocket & my roommate and her gf and i stared at them scattered on the floor, believing, for a brief but not entirely unreal moment, that they had simply shot out of my cat as if they were the ink to his squid. a basic knowledge of science did not disprove this thesis (my babycats visage and personality both indicate the possibility of him being full of candy hearts)

would you not also, for a brief moment, believe he is made of sugar and love?

little joel on youtube got me wondering what the percentage is actually like. please reblog so i can get more responses and thus a more representative data pool for my demographic of "people who use tumblr in 2023"

while I’m here

If you watched the NIMONA movie, enjoyed it, and want to support it and other (gay) media like it, consider slamming that double-thumbs-up button on Netflix. I know what you’re thinking: Netflix has a double-thumbs-up button?! That’s what I said too. But I have it on good authority that this is a metric with serious weight for Netflix and it’s something they take into account when deciding whether to invest in other similar (gay) properties. So send Netflix a message and give that sucker the ol’

I’m genuinely curious to see what other people do and if anyone does what I do (go read everything the author wrote for the ship that catches my attention).

The most beautiful footage of strangers dancing in public… https://twitter.com/Thorayaaa/status/1660180658646568967

its like a real life version of that children’s song with the magic bridge that you had to dance across

Highlights: --all the old people --one dude who starts doing the Cotton-Eye Joe and has the steps on lock --quinceañera girl with a dress bigger than the circle --lots of kids but particularly the dude who's doing the helicopter with his little girl --an entire section of Millennials doing dance moves I recognize, oh the nostalgia

-- the DOGS!

If you want to write a dumb little story with a dumb little plot and ridiculously silly characters. No one's stopping you. Genuinely, no one should be allowed to stop you. Write that dumb story with your whole heart and don't hold back.

ok the dumb little story turned into a lot of work why does this always happen

Anonymous asked:

Fawkes the Phoenix was based on a harpy eagle, howmcute would a kestrel phoenix be with a peacock tail and train?

this is a Good Opportunity considering i was never a big fan of fawkes’ movie design how about

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 ok but what about

@elodieunderglass uhhhhhh… Birb?

I Suggest we Consider:

AQUATIC (penguin)

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  • No wait
  • this is terrible
  • put it back
  • the poor thing
  • why would anyone do this
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I dunno, I kinda love it… :D

It’s a fine line to tread when you’re breeding your phoenix. A swan is good:

  • Elegant
  • Classic
  • Like Cleopatra, he burns upon the water
  • Equal parts beauty and danger
  • Full of Secrets

But take it a few genes to the left and you’ve got a GOOSE

  • A raptor if raptors were total idiots
  • Neither beauty nor grace
  • Full of Hate
  • Has so much poop for you

(Make no mistake, a swan will mess you up just as hard as a goose. But it is the difference between being slain with a katana and getting whacked with a bag of old potatoes.)

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It got better

Oh my God someone actually drew a Good Version of my Dubious Penguin????? And THEN someone added a sweonix (swan phoenix)? Oh man, this is the stuff you miss when you’re in the middle of a reblog chain.

@english-history-trip that is some powerful art, and I respect the trip that it represents from the sublime to the absurd, for in this journey we find enlightenment.

@keire-ke your magnificent penguin art represents the other side of the journey, which takes us from the absurd to the powerful. In this journey we find truth.

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According to some sources, the legend of the phoenix might be derived from another bird noted for it’s striking appearance and who, indeed, are of the order Phoenicopterus

You know what birds those are?

FLAMINGOS!

Just saying…. if someone wanted to try ANOTHER take on Fawkes….

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This is terrible and I feel like I should apologise, but really, it’s @iconuk01‘s fault.

Also I am not a certified Birb artist.

Never

Apologize

For

Shaming

Herodotus

so I’m speaking hypothetically here but is there any reason we can’t move the whole Phoenix thing backwards up the dinosaur family tree a little bit?

T-Rex Phoenix. that’s where I’m going with this.

Phoenix kiwi . Please you master birb artists make it happen! A useless flightless bird who gives death from the knees down

Dear @bunjywunjy and @gigi-tastic I hope you shall enjoy these firey beasts of past and present.

They make a fantastic duo.

HELL

YES

HELL

FUCKIN

YES

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@elodieunderglass Do penguin phoenixes dive down to geothermal vents for food? That would be a good reason to make them phoenixes.

They could! There are some near the Antarctic. Also, since classically there can only be one phoenix at the time, their self-immolating funeral pyre is required to provide enough heat to hatch their egg 😔

fucking hate it when the stuff everybody says "actually works" does actually work.

hate exercising and realizing i've let go of a lot of anxiety and anger because i've overturned my fight-or-flight response.

hate eating right and eating enough and eating 3 times a day and realizing i'm less anxious and i have more energy

hate journaling in my stupid notebook with my stupid bic ballpoint and realizing that i've actually started healing about something once i'm able to externalize it

hate forgiving myself hate complimenting myself more often hate treating myself with kindness hate taking a gratitude inventory hate having patience hate talking to myself gently

hate turning my little face up to the sun and taking deep breaths and looking at nature and grounding myself and realizing that i feel less burdened and more hopeful, more actually-here, that i am able to see the good sides of myself more clearly, that i am able to see not only how far i have to grow - but also how much growth i have already done & how much of my life i truly fill with light and laughter and love

horrible horrible horrible. hate it but i'm gonna do it tho

every time i see those ‘your ancestors would be ashamed of you’ alpha male posts it cracks me up because like! man! buddy! your ancestors apparently SUCK. ‘oh we’re so busy conquering the rest of the world that the idea one of our great great grandsons is eating a burger and jerking off afterwards disgusts us!’ like sure. fine. great legacy you’re struggling under.

my ancestors would be delighted to hear that all the genocides they struggled through failed to the point that they have a descendant (with a lot of cousins!) in 2023 whose day to day life is so peaceful and secure as to allow for the eating of burgers and the jerking off. i own a garden and a sewing machine and a cupboard full of potatoes. i got an art degree and i write romance stories in my spare time.

maybe your ancestors are a howling void of nasty hungry ghosts who all hate you for not being as insatiably violent as they were but this is exactly the kind of life my ancestors fought like hell for their children to live.