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anything that touches

@saintssebastian / saintssebastian.tumblr.com

they/them

this entire boy movie vs girl movie thing im so tired im so so tired

I have been a sheep caretaker for like two days and already I'm like. Wow. I get it.

I get why these were some of the earliest mammals to ever be domesticated. They look up to humans with this sort of dumb but all at once innocent and pure and trusting expression. They're happy to see you. They follow you around. They like to be rubbed under their chins. Maybe its just some latent Scottish highland shepherd DNA I still have in me but I look at my sheep charges and suddenly I see why the love of God for humanity is so often described as a shepherd and his sheep. I'd fight a wolf for these guys. I'd go way the Hell out of my way for them. I'd carry their young for miles on my own back.

one of the big concepts I learned in therapy that has been fucking revolutionary for me is the concept that sometimes u can just feel feelings and they don't have to mean anything.

like, I can just be sad about something for a little while because it feels cathartic and helpful to let myself be sad, and it doesnt have to mean anything or change how I act or treat people.

like sometimes u just need to feel an emotion in order to process and work through things, and sometimes it just feels good to let urself be sad about a silly or little thing. and then once its out its over, uve experienced it and now it is done so u can move on.

and I dont have to derive greater meaning from it or do anything about it. i was just sad for a few hours and now i feel better and that's all that matters.

i love getting older, i love knowing i’m still here, i love flipping through old diaries and photo albums and reminiscing and unlocking all sorts of memories. i love knowing that i made it so much further than i’d ever thought i could. i love noticing how my face looks more refined with each year, tracing my laugh lines and maybe there’s even the first wrinkles. i love burying my nose in a jumper i’ve owned for over a decade and smelling the comfort, conjuring up memories of my first cigarettes, of walking home at 7am after a party, of sitting in an aeroplane flying across the ocean. i love having a bad week and afterwards, with some distance, realizing that ‘bad’ today looks so much less scary and horrible than it did even five years ago. i love knowing that with each year that passes, i make more wonderful memories, i collect more little trinkets, i evolve in my thoughts and values, i learn new skills, i read new books, i’ve loved more deeply. it’s wonderful growing older and wiser and fuller and more confident and content in myself and the life i’m building and realize that it is possible that things get easier and lovelier.