November

Ya know what?

I think I don't do what I need to do in my life, not cause I'm lazy. But cause deep down, I don't want to feel good. Deep down I want to feel bad. Self defeat.

The only things that make me feel alive is being kind and drugs

Yeah nevermind

I just need alcohol or drugs in me

But um

I've hit rock bottom

Last time I'm ever going out haha

I just don't wanna go down a dark path.

The heart wrenching realisation that you are severely mentally ill

Not even the fun kind of mentally ill.

Just the, wasting away in your room kind.

Can I atleast can arrested or do crazy things so I can have stories to tell and make Atleast SOMETHING of the wasted time.

But nah

I dunno know I am or what to do.

Get as wasted as you can in hopes that someone might help you

I feel so fucking bad for everyone on this planet.

It's hell. The abused become the abuser.

How else should we all react?

I understand everyone, for we are all in this hell together.

I had could actually fulfill this love I had with this person, I woudlnt even care about my trauma

But I didn't allow myself this love and memories and happiness because of the trauma

So obviously, with how much I love them, it's going to upset me that I have trauma because it stopped me from being in love.

With someone so special and perfect for me.

The only times I've ever been happy was with them.

And what have I got now?

Peices of shit "friends' that just use me.

Because that's all I allow because of my trauma!

I'm lost in my own head

The day i die is going to be a beautiful day

No one cares

Whether I take myself out or not

It'll just be talk for alil and then forgotten forever.

It really is overwhelming because it really just hit me that I'm 21 and officially an adult

And I'm not ready to be an adult

I have a unfulfilled young teenager inside of me.

I grew up way too quick as a teen and was denied to play with kids like me..

Now I'm paying the consequences in my dreams....

I can't stop dreaming about playing with them as a young teen. Dreaming about things that's don't even exist.

I hope the world ends.. cause I think I'm done either way.

If your are being used

You should remain confused

To keep them amused.

Ah yes here we are

3am

I can't sleep Cause I'm thinking about all the times I've been used and currently still being.

I feel sick.

I'm trying not to be a hateful person but fuck I can't stand people.

Maybe when I learn to breathe

I'll finally be able to talk