@ letusple on ig

When Em Beihold said "Do you ever get a little bit tired of life? Like you're not really happy but you don't wanna die. Like you're hangin' by a thread but you gotta survive" I felt that in my bones.

photography by Ana Milani

I haven’t been this consistently bleak in years. Which is impressive because I have been extremely depressed for years too. Lately every day I wake up and go back to sleep and stay in bed until it’s been so long I might alarm my partner (usually at least a good 15 hrs). In the time I spend conscious I daydream about not being. I’ve needed everything to pause for about a year now. Which is ironic because everything has been pretty much paused for a year now due to Covid. The trauma I have from my partners family and from my SA feels like it’s eating away at me more and more recently. And like everyone involved, people I love, can only conceptualize it. They know I am in pain but it is not theirs and prioritizing said pain comes second to maintaining it. And for the sake of their own mental health I can’t blame them for that.

I could spend any free time taking care of myself, doing things- even small stuff I genuinely enjoy and I just have no strength left to actually approach that. I’m constantly exhausted. For the last few years I would tell my partner and friends and family how I felt like things kept stacking up and overwhelming me one on top of the other and that I knew one day I’d explode. But now it feels like I’ve imploded instead. I am all raw nerve and pent up sadness and hurt. I’ve let so many areas of my life spiral so far out that I legitimately do not know how to bring myself back in. I feel lost, like so so lost. I always feel more comfortable suffering internally but I feel so out of my depth I know I need help. I need to be felt I need help with my life and I need help remembering I am alive.

Unknown source.