riveyoncé cuoknowles

sufjan: Wow Good Golly This Is A Tremendous Honour I Would Like First To Thank Aubrey Drake Graham Darling Husband Of Mine As Well As Our Extraordinarily Gifted Mermaid Daughter The Untitled Stevens-Graham Project Who Is Now Six Years Old And Still Speaks Solely In Jenny Holzer Truisms. I Will Admit That I Did Not Expect To Win And Thus Did Not Prepare A Speech So I Suppose I Shall Just Recite The Holy Bible In Its Entirety. Ahem. In The Beginning God Created The Heaven And The Earth And The Earth Was Without Form And Void And Darkness Was Upon The Face Of The Deep --

oscars orchestra: *starts playing music*

sufjan: My Apologies There Must Be Some Misunderstanding! I Have Not Yet Completed My Speech! Ha Ha! So Any Way The Spirit Of God Moved Upon The Face Of The Waters And God Said Let There Be Light And There Was Light And God Saw The Light And Saw That It Was Good And God Divided The Light From The Darkness And God Called The Light Day And The Darkness He Called Night And --

oscars orchestra: *plays music louder*

sufjan: Excuse Me! Excuse Me! Hello! And The Evening And The Morning Were The First Day And God Said Let There Be A Firmament In The Midst Of The Waters And Let It Divide The Waters From The Waters And God Made --

oscars orchestra: *now deafening*

sufjan: -- And God Made The Firmament And Divided The Waters Which Were Under The Firmament From The Waters Which Were Above The Firmament  -- 

jimmy kimmel: all right! sufjan stevens, everybody! let’s give a big round of applause to --

sufjan: Do Not Interrupt Me You Hooligan

jimmy kimmel: sufjan this is only a three-hour telecast we really don’t have time for you to recite the entire bible

sufjan: Hello Hello Is There A Miss Tonya Harding In The Building I Need Somebody To Kindly Wail Upon This Gentleman’s Kneecaps So That I May Finish Reciting The Word Of The Lord?

oh fuck yeah that’s right this is fiction and i control everything

should i release the alternate If Sufjan Won post

drake: i have the shot

sufjan: Take It

drake: babe, oh my god! i just heard the news! congratulations, sufjan!!

sufjan: You Mean To Say “Academy Award Nominee Sufjan Stevens”

drake: hm? what’s that?

sufjan: From Now On I Will Only Answer To My Full Name Which As You Know Is Academy Award Nominee Sufjan Stevens

drake: ...you know on any other day i’d gently and politely refuse that request but given the circumstances i think it’s actually warranted... academy award nominee sufjan stevens ;)

sufjan: Thank You Aubrey For Indulging My Whimsy I Knew There Was A Reason I Married You Besides The Opportunity To Go Ham On The Wedding Registry And Collect Kitchen Aid Stand Mixers Like Pokemon

drake: no problem, babe. so... what are you up to? looks like you’ve reorganized the den a little bit

sufjan: Yes I Have Transformed Our Living Space Into A Miniature Replica Of The Dolby Theatre The Better To Practice My Academy Awards Performance As You Can See These Couch Cushions Form The Stage And These Various Stuffed Animals Are My Captive Audience

drake: oh cute... wow that’s... that’s a lot of stuffed animals... and they all have nametags... 

sufjan: Yes Seated Ajax The Centre Aisle Are A Flamingo And A Giraffe Who Symbolize Saoirse Ronan And Greta Gerwig Respectively

drake: aww, right! it says, “Hello My Name Is Greta The Giraffe”

sufjan: I Plan To Begin My Performance By Descending From The Rafters In A Sturdy Harness And Sprinkling A Cloud Of Glitter Above Ronan And Gerwig So As To Bless Them And Their Movie Film The Lady Bird

drake: i don’t... know... if greta and saoirse would like that very much...

sufjan: But Aubrey It’s Whimsical

drake: that may well be but i’d still clear it with them first. glitter can be messy.

sufjan: Right Any Way Next I Will Hold My Stainless Steel Banjo Aloft And Strike James Franco Over The Head With It

drake: sufjan! no! 

sufjan: He Deserves It

drake: do NOT grievously injure james franco!

sufjan: Can I Injure Him Not Grievously But Just A Little Bit

drake: no! wait. oh my god... is that why... is that why this beanie baby hippopotamus is lying here with all its stuffing leaking out... and a tattered nametag on its chest that says “Hello My Name Is James Idiot”

sufjan: I Cannot Explain My Poetry Often

drake: hey soof is uh... is everything okay

sufjan: Yes Of Course Aubrey Why Would It Not Be And Why Would You Even Ask Me This I Mean What Possible Cause Have I Given You To Interrogate Me In This Fashion

drake: well i just, like, i just noticed this enormous pile of pixar merchandise in the backyard, which is, um, on fire? and sending smoke billowing above the rooves of our quiet toronto suburb? so i just called the fire department and -

sufjan: That Is So Weird I Do Not Know Any Thing About A Pixar Fire At All

drake: sufjan are you upset that you lost the critics’ choice award for best song to “remember me” from coco

sufjan: No Of Course Not I Am Not A Sore Loser And I Do Not See Why A Man Cannot Simply Set Fire To His Large Collection Of Pixar Toys Books Games Puzzles And Films In Peace

drake: okay well i managed to yank your beloved 1995 woody and buzz dolls out of the bonfire and they’re a little singed but i think they’ll be okay so whenever this temper tantrum passes -

sufjan: Ha Ha What I Am Not Having A Temper Tantrum That Is The Silliest Thing You Have Ever Said With The Possible Exception Of When You Said “I’m On A Roll Like Cottonelle” That One Time

drake: there are 32 copies of the cars 2 blu-ray melting into ash in our backyard

sufjan: Okay Well Cars 2 Was Bad So

drake: i distinctly remember you crying when lightning mcqueen rescued mater from professor zundapp

sufjan: Only Because Owen Wilson And Larry The Cable Guy Are Such Gifted Vocal Actors I Mean You Can Scarcely Fault Me For Getting A Little Weepy

drake: listen, i know how hard it is to lose awards, believe me, but -

sufjan: But Do You Know How Hard It Is To Read In The New York Times (The Grey Lady All The News That Is Fit To Print The Paper Of Record) That Tonya Maxene Price Née Harding Thinks That You Are Mean, And Just As You Are Attempting To Acclimate Your Self To That Knowledge Some Awards Show Malarkey Occurs And Before You Know It You Are Trudging Out To The Yard To Pour Gasoline Upon The Visages Of Mister Incredible And Nemo And Francis

drake: okay i know mr. incredible and nemo but... who’s francis?

sufjan: He Is A Tertiary Character In The 1998 Film A Bug’s Life

drake: oh

sufjan: He Is A Lady Bug Who Performs As A Drag Queen In The Circus Of P.T. Flea And He Suffers From Being Perpetually Misgendered By Members Of The Audience Who Think He Is A Lady Just Because He Is A Lady Bug But In The End He Achieves Heroism By Rescuing A Young Ant Named Dot From A Terrible Fate During A Devastating Bird Attack

drake: wow

sufjan: He Is Voiced By Denis Leary

drake: okay the fire department’s here i’m just gonna head on outside and try to explain this to them so you don’t get charged with arson. hang tight

sufjan: Oh Dear Me I Loved Francis Why Did I Light Him On Fire

drake: don’t worry i’ll get you a new francis when the smoke clears

sufjan: Thanks Aubs

so apparently mallory fucking ortberg gave us a shoutout in her latest newsletter, and before i literally pass out from this tremendous compliment i would just like to say, mallory, you are welcome to cross a cold and silver sea, fling yourself down at my feet, and swear your undying fealty to me anytime.

beyoncé: sufjan. thanks for taking my call. it’s been a rough night. is this a secure line?

sufjan: I Do Not Trust The Security Of Earthly Telecommunications Technologies So I Am Communicating With You Via Telepathy On Another Astral Plane

beyoncé: excellent. listen, sufjan. i assume you’ve heard the news? about that pretender to the throne seizing what is mine by right? 

sufjan: Actually The News Came To Me In A Dream As I Was Taking A Nap Earlier This Evening

beyoncé: oh really? what was the dream like? 

sufjan: I Was Wandering The Post Apocalyptic Streets Of London Under A Blood Red Sun And My Throat Was Parched But There Was Nary A Drop Of Water To Drink Any Where And Just When I Felt I Would Perish Of Thirst The Sea Rose Up And Flooded Britain With Sugar And Water And Lemon Juice Drowning Me Instantly And I Awoke With But One Objective In My Mind: To Avenge Beyoncé Giselle Knowles And Her Children And Future Children

beyoncé: so what’s the plan? by what means do you swear to avenge me?

sufjan: Once More Unto The Breach Dear Beyoncé Once More Or Close Up The Wall With Our English Dead

beyoncé: glad we’re on the same page. ready the siege towers and the hellburners, stevens. we ride at dawn.

sufjan: Okay I Will Set My Alarm Clock For An Hour Before Dawn Then

beyoncé: can you also drop by starbucks and pick me up one of those new molten chocolate lattes i need caffeine if i’m gonna invade the british isles

sufjan: Okay Do You Want Almond Milk Or Just Regular Type

beyoncé: just regular type

it has come to my attention that a few people have written RYCK fanfiction for the annual AO3 yuletide fic exchange, and they are all fucking hilarious and beautifully written and well worth your time and readership!

please check them out and leave kudos and comments for the authors!!

Get Real Get Right (Fuckin Right)

The Perfect Crime

five times drake's hotline didn't bling (and one time it did) - by gayliens

sufjan: Greetings Every One And Welcome To The Inaugural Sufganiyot Stevens-Graham Chrismukkah Sing-A-Long Seasonal Affective Disorder Gluten Free Sweet Potato Latke Disaster Pageant On Ice

OB: (drake... dude... don’t you think this is a little... over the top?)

drake: (not another word OB)

OB: (but i...)

drake: (i am so serious OB do not fuck this up for him he worked so hard)

sufjan: We Are Gathered Here Today Friends And Family And Loved Ones In This Bleak Year Of Unremitting Sorrow To Remember Our Love For One Another And To Spread Some Much Needed Chrismukkah Cheer And To Dress Our Infant Daughter Up In A Dreidel Costume She Looks So Cute But My Google Image Search For “Baby Dreidel Costume” Unfortunately Yielded No Results So You Are Just Going To Have To Trust Me On This One

drake: ALL RIGHT! YEAH! WHOO!

sufjan: I Hope You Have All Enjoyed Your Lavish Inter Faith Holiday Dinners But Now It Is Time To Partake In That Most Joyous Tradition Of All, The Singing Of Chrismukkah Carols Traditional And Old, Sunny And Stoic, Sacred And Snowy

drake: CHRIS-MU-KKAH! CHRIS-MU-KKAH!

sufjan: To That End Aubrey And I Have Collaborated On Five New Extended Plays Of Music For Hanukkah And Christmas Totalling Fifty Songs All Of Which We Will Now Sing In Perfect Unison If You Will Please Refer To The Laminated Song Books I Have Stashed Under Your Chairs

OB: (okay drake i don’t wanna like... stay for fifty songs)

drake: (you'll stay and you’ll like it)

OB: (but i...)

drake: (pipe down we’re starting the first song)

sufjan: All Right The Name Of This Song Is "Christmas And Hanukkah” It Is In C Major With The Chord Progression G E Minor C D And I Must Inform You That I Actually Sat Down With My Guitar And Composed This Song For Real In Real Life While Writing This Post Like An Absolute Mad Man 

drake: YEAH!

sufjan: My Dear Aubrey Will Now Kick Us Off And Here Are The Tabs If You Would Like To Follow Along At Home

drake: ahem... the lights are glowing and outside it’s snowing but i feel so warm in here

sufjan: Don’t Want To Go Out ‘Cause There’s So Much Snow Out And It’s Been A Long Hard Year

drake: so darling let’s stay at home for a while, i can spin the dreidel, i can make you smile

sufjan: I Can Knit Some Mittens In Your Favorite Style And Put ‘Em Under The Tree In That Great Big Pile

drake: most of the time i spend my days alo-o-one

sufjan: But This Time Of Year I Get To Bring You Ho-o-ome

drake & sufjan: ‘Cause Darling We Know, Things Are Better In Twos! I Wanna Celebrate Hanukkah And Christmas With You!

sufjan: La La La, La La La!

drake: celebrate christmas and hanukkah-ah-ah!

sufjan: La La La, La La La!

drake: light up the tree and the menorah-ah-ah!

sufjan: That Is Our Show Ladies And Gentle Men Merry Christmas Happy Hanukkah And Happy Holidays To All Of You May You Have A Joyous Season Of Warmth And Light Surrounded By People You Love And May Your Uncle Come Through With That New X Box Or What Ever It Is Your Little Heart Desires

drake: take care! stay safe! and we’ll see you in the new year!

sufjan: La La La!

drake: la la la!

🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾 six swans hit a quarter of a million plays this morning 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

chatting abt predatory wasps with the queen bee