In case anyone is curious, you can put 27 toddler socks on a lazy cat and she won’t move.

23 ski caps and didn’t budge. 😺

Four remotes a box of floss and a battery.

Another cat

original post [x]

this is the happiest day of my life

Too soon

DEATH IS FAST

if im careful i could whittle this peanut into sonic

he needs a paint job 

im physically nauseous 

Thirsty?

I play in an LA symphony and of the world’s greatest trumpet players sits directly in front of me. For those of you who don’t play brass instruments, you almost need a constant supply of water to keep from keeling over especially from two straight hours of playing.

So this player is absolutely brilliant. For this concert when we first started playing I had only seen him open his music once and then never again. His playing is fucking unreal, and he has never once missed a note or played remotely out of tune. Let’s call him Sam.

So, Sam is the essential god of the trumpet, and everyone, including myself, treats him as a deity. There are just two problems with good ‘ole Sam; he’s nervous as fuck, and always forgets his water bottle.

So, we’ve played this concert about five times, and this is our sixth. Halfway through, Sam plays a beautiful solo which could melt the soul of Satan into a warm puddle, and like clockwork, two measures before he plays, he leans back and steals my buddy Roy’s water bottle. This happens literally every concert, and it pisses Roy off because not matter how many times we tell him, he doesn’t give it back until the concert is over. An asshole he is.

This sixth concert, we reach the solo, and as usual, Sam leans back, grabs the bottle and takes a big ‘ole swig… And chokes. Because that’s not water. It’s Vodka.

He drops the bottle, rushes to grab mine… More Vodka. Our conductor is looking at Sam, and it’s half a measure before he plays. Panicking, he picks up his trumpet… And plays his solo the best of his life. We took him out for drinks afterwords.

He bring two water bottles to concerts now.

TL; DR Genius trumpet player keeps stealing my buddy’s water bottle mid-concert, we give him bottles of Vodka.

I don’t know what this is but same

this is the most relatable thing I’ve seen in 2016 to date

“cindy no, FUCK”

@asecretinside @princesshollis @tydyedshoelaces

“what are you dOING YOU’RE NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL”

SO APPARENTLY RAP STANDS FOR “RHYTHM AND POETRY”

guy who invented the piano: what if we laid a harp on its side and added hammers

musician: you clumsy oaf, you just knocked over my harp with your toolbox!

guy who’s about to invent the piano: oh, haven’t you heard?

how dare you take this mediocre shitpost and make it genuinely funny

via weheartit

GET A LOAD OF THAT DOG

[distantly] THAT DOG

HERE, HAVE A JOKE IN SPANISH:

“-sabe inglés?

-si

-como se dice ”un zapato” en inglés?

-a shoe

-salud

-gracias”

it squeak (🔊)

I’m so mad because this worked

help me roger

Reblogging myself because

Originally posted by gifs-for-the-masses

Reblogging myself because… what was that? Five minutes?

O_O

………my friend has made me curious

help me roger

Update: after I reblogged this someone messaged me offering me tickets to the sold out Hausu screening with a Q&A and autograph session with the director

let’s do it, roger

Roger helppppp

I need you Roger!

ROGER PLEASE

when you see a dog from across the street 

sex in the shower? no. slip and bust my ass. break my dick. she slippin too. she knock her head on the tile she passed out. bleedin. i cant walk cause my jimmy snapped. thought this was gonna be sexy and we both end up half dead.

this is my favorite post of all times every single time I slip on anything I picture this post it literally changed my life there’s no other definition to it

i support u lazy gay snake

past tense of william shakespeare? william shookspeare

Wouldiwas Shookspeared

delete this

thanks! i hate it

Alien

me thinking about shakespeare normally: mercutio was gay

me thinking about shakespeare at 3 am: romeo and juliet is underrated as a story. why? because everyone treats it as a love story when they should be treating it as a commentary on how children are too afraid to come to their parents with a problem or even voice their opinions on things without fear of facing repercussions. juliet didn’t want to marry paris, some old guy she didn’t know. so OF COURSE she was going to choose romeo, some hot young thing that talked nice and looked nicer and probably made her feel special. she had had at least a conversation with the guy. but no. she can’t tell her father that she doesn’t want to marry and would rather try to get to know that nice montague boy that was chatting her up while crashing her party. but of course she can’t. both of because societal expectations and because of the whole blood feud. and then there’s romeo. we all call him an emo fuck but the fact remains that it is highly hinted that he had depression and while finding someone “to love” doesn’t automatically fix that in a person, him “loving” juliet definitely did seem to improve his mood while his parents just brushed him off. and in the end of the story, they’d both rather kill themselves then tell their parents that they’re going to be disappointing them by telling them who they “love” and that’s just fucked up. these were teenagers. and while this may have not been old billy shakes’ original message, it stands that this interpretation could benefit being taught to a lot of students and even some parents. 

me thinking about shakespeare at 3:30 am: also know what was fucked up? mercutio and tybalt died without even knowing what they were dying for. they literally say in the beginning of the play that no one remembers why the blood feud started. and mercutio wasn’t even an capulet or montague. this wasn’t his fight. but he died anyways, under romeo’s arm, by tybalt’s hand. sure, they were fighting because tybalt was pissed about romeo seeing juliet and shit, but mercutio didn’t know that. he thought tybalt was just starting shit just to start shit. he didn’t know what he was dying for. “a plague on both your houses” indeed. and then tybalt. fucking firey tybalt. like i said before, no one knows why the blood feud started. he essentially just died because his family hates another guy’s family probably over something like the 13th century equivalent of a sports rivalry. that’s so fucked up. while i don’t remember what their exact ages were, i’m pretty sure they were teenagers too. what the fuck.

me thinking about shakespeare at 3:35 am: and then benevolio. oh god benevolio. what even happened to him??? first, he watches this guy who was always a jackass to him but he’s probably known all his life get killed, then his (boy)friend dies all because of something his cousin does, and then his cousin is exiled/flees before he’s exiled. he’s then all alone for like the rest of the play, until he assuredly walks into the mausoleum at the end of the play and sees his cousin dead on the ground with some girl he’s maybe seen twice in his life dead on top of him. what the fuck. what the actual fuck. poor benevolio just lost his two best friends and now he’s all alone. and you know they never even say if he’s in the play for the rest of the thing. you just assume he is. for all we know he could’ve skipped town, or killed himself as well, or died in a duel, or anything. i always headcanoned him as the youngest of the group. and like, that just makes it worse. poor benevolio, the guy that was left all alone at the end of the play with all his friends and acquaintances dead. “for never was a story of more woe / than that of juliet and her romeo”???? bullshit. for never was a story of more woe than that of our poor fucking benevolio. 

me thinking about Shakespeare at anytime: There is a character in Midsummer Night’s Dream called Bottom

owls are bullshit and here’s why

@dubydoods

this is what an owl looks like without feathers 

look at it.

its like it came from the labyrinth.

thanks! i hate it

I’m still on chapter 1