touch grass eat ass

One of my favorite genres of post

i gotta show yall a our discord classic

going to get your tubes tied and when ur done ur doctor shows you an ultrasouns and he’s tied them into a perfect baloon dog :)

This captures everything I love about being online

i had a fever dream about hrt gummies

[tip me im broke lol]

"Do you wish your vacheena was a peeNis or geegnis is vagengi. Want big boober or tiddied explode of [reverberating] fuck."

"Introducing H R T. Destosteroast. Estrager. Whendsforiain't forya."

obsessed with the way my robotics team lead talks

she’s reinventing hieroglyphics

She’s the only person who truly understands how emojis were meant to be used.

this is the guy who invented war

I lived in Taiwan for a time and I saw monkeys swing on trees 

Who asked

God has granted you the gift of knowledge and yet you shun him

good lord

YEAH I GOT NOTHING

i don’t understand a single sentence in this and i’m ok with that

I haven’t stopped saying “it’s called quantum jumping, babe”

I would genuinely like to know who to blame for making these children so disconnected from the concept of imagination that they think the simpler explanation for what they’re doing is that they’re projecting their consciousness into one of infinite realities where fictional characters are real.

topical :/

WHY IS IT TOPICAL

Me shouting at my rash ointment

great post everyone

starting a collection

attention perishable girls:

its going to be room temperature today. be careful out there.

Sending this to my milk 🙏 thank you

If you were to vacuum up jello through a metal tube, well I think that’d be a neat noise 

i beg to differ 

Then Beg

I have an iphone 1 with doodle jump on it I am looking to trade it for real meth please

you know that quote "when you have a hammer everything looks like a nail" bc that's how i feel whenever i have a lysol wipe in my hand

finding out that ‘dont treat me rough treat me really niceys” is an actual lana del rey lyric and not just a funny meme phrase was damaging enough to my psyche

but then i looked up the lyrics and not only is that line directly after the lyric “drugs, suck it up, like vanilla icies” (rhyming niceys with icies) but also the first line of the song is “my pussy tastes like Pepsi cola”. ms del rey this is disastrous what are you doing

Not a day goes by when I don't think about joe many liberals

your man doesn’t have the mental strength to caramelize onions 

your man thinks it takes 5-10 minutes to caramelize onions

Who’s fucking carmelizing onions?

Have you sociopaths forgotten that apples exist?

do you think caramelizing onions is putting caramel on onions

your man thinks caramelizing onions is putting caramel on onions

Youre telling me the bartender is a mouse? Shes a girl whos a mouse? *chuckles warmly* That's pretty out there. I'm too old for that kind of thing, but you have fun with that. *to myself after you walk away, but with no trace of spite in my voice* A bartender who's a mouse... what will they think of next?

sex in the shower? no. slip and bust my ass. break my dick. she slippin too. she knock her head on the tile she passed out. bleedin. i cant walk cause my jimmy snapped. thought this was gonna be sexy and we both end up half dead.

this is my favorite post of all times every single time I slip on anything I picture this post it literally changed my life there’s no other definition to it

this wasn't a quote from a real PDF btw I just thought it would be funny to tex this up so it looked like one instead of posting it directly

the next evolution of Tumblr shitposting is looking promising