this is comfort,
but who do i tell this to
we used to hold hands when we were fighting battles
now I'm not fighting anymore
i have arrived so wonderfully
i have felt peace
but i didn't feel your hands
couldn't have you look at me
couldn't feel like we made it together
do you think of me when you play the song by the band i introduced you to? you used to love it
i was working when i heard that song for the first time again and i thought of you and realised that i've lost you and knowing that will always sting
i think songs are nostalgic and sharing them with someone is an act of bravery because sharing songs you love means shared happiness but you also risk losing the person you shared it with and knowing that and persisting is an act of courage
i want to feel something so passionately
with every inch of me
if i’m a flower i would love until my petals fall
uprooted by the seasons
if i’m a person
i would love until i am no longer
a being
-silvya
love shouldn’t make your petals fall
it should make you bloom
it should make you feel alive
i have stopped running into your lovely arms everytime life gets hard
it's not like you're here anymore, anyway
i am independent
i gave myself warmth
i gave myself books, space and rest
i had this dream once upon a time, i was wearing a white dress the comfortable kind and i was surrounded by soft winds, in my dress, in my hair, in my skin, my home was white, so did my curtains, i was walking down the stairs that i loved and i heard the sound of two teenage girls giggling. the beach was just outside, i heard the sound of blue waters resting its weight on the shore
it was peaceful all around me and i've never been happier
i have never slept and dreamt of something that felt as real as this. everyone dreams of their happily ever after, don't they? maybe this was mine
when morning came and i opened my eyes i was yearning for it
to be exactly who you are, is the greatest of personal blessing
In case you are full of doubts while stumbling upon this post: You are more than your bad days. You are more than your sadness. You are more than these bad thoughts telling you that you have no purpose. You are loved. You are important. You are irreplaceable. You are so damn worthy. Nothing and no one can ever take that away from you.
Misty Copeland
Ottessa Moshfegh, Eileen
i carry this fire in my heart
and i can see it blazing inside everyone else's too
like a reflection of my own
i am being given this chance to be free for a reason
oh no they don't understand this
and i'm alright
i am a little feverish as i bask in this realisation
here's what happened:
i felt it crash over my chest, i recognise this perpetual hurt, i thought i've left it behind. the yearning, the man looking at the moon, the part of me that wants more, the bird in the cage that sings dreamy tunes the voice i've turned into meek whispers- i felt it the moment i felt it the moment a friend of mine said she's moving away because she wants finer things in life. i felt her, the burning in her chest used to burn mine. i used to be just as ambitious and one day if she ever leaves me for the world, i'll be crushed. it'll hurt again, all over. i have loved a part of me so dearly only to leave it behind, i have abandoned a part of me that knows how to believe.
i thought i've walked over it, i've learned to act apathetic, i didn't. i never leave it behind. god i have to try don't i? they all see it in me, except me. took me this long to recognise my feelings, took me this long for all this arbitrary air to become words. they see the fire in my eyes, i felt it but i just can't see it, i couldn't find a mirror to see this for myself and i am way too good at camouflage i know exactly what to show people to the point i show it to myself and know exactly how to pretend to want it
i can't stop even a second now until i'm exactly where i belong
it's just - the way you were, the way that you got, back then. the bad rush, the oil spill so high up your neck that your teeth swam in it. what you needed back then was a barn raising. what you needed back then was all-hands-on-deck.
it's just - you needed a village, is all. you needed your parents to actually just cool it for a second, because for one minute if you were very still, in the middle of the act of being roadkill: you could feel it. the edges of that sharp thing, the other-world, the promised land, the bird that was supposed to be born in your throat.
if you'd just - if any one person had just - noticed. maybe that would have been enough. you could have convinced your body to do a strange form of necromancy: you could have come back with the rope ladder. you were an emergency flare. you were morse code.
it's okay. come home again. us do-it-yourself undead, those of us who broke the book and still found our way out of the grave again. we never got the return flight. we never got the party. we just got up. we got up and then we kept going, because nobody else was gonna clean the mess. we might as well. we just... exist here, half-ghosts, barely-made it kids. no medals, except the strange serene rush of spreading jam on perfect toast. of moving a paintbrush. the silence that knows about the danger of sparks. the little candle of our heart not a stormbreaker or earthshaker. just the persistent lick of hope.
it is a quiet reward. we will not get the barn, but we do get each other. a night sky of little lights made from the gruesome survival of blood and bone. the life we made in the dark. a little somber radiance. a spellwork that's all our own.
in the end - despite it all, we built ourselves a home.
Rainer Maria Rilke, from Letters to a Young Poet (tr. Anita Barrows and Joanna Macy)
We are out in the lands of magic, there is nothing you cannot be. Walk around the soft grass and write stories about the lakes, use your wings that have remained hidden for so long, and fly away to heights that cannot weigh you down. You are meant for musings, you are meant to be kissed like a photograph found after ages. You deserve slow dances, you deserve smiles, you deserve to be heard and felt. You deserve to be like a music album where the lyrics are nothing but snippets from your life. You deserve to live your dreams, the same dreams that keep you going. You are a dream, please be around dreamers.
i crave the stability of having a home
i miss coming home
i then had a little bit of thinking,
thinking i actually love being home just as much as i love being outside exploring and understanding the world
learning from others and believing in something
i come to realise that there is no perfect condition
i am uprooted and i miss the embrace of my mother and warm meals
but one thing i am experiencing now is freedom in many ways
it is cold sometimes at night
you just have to love where you are
and seize opportunities wherever your ship takes you to sail
i believe in you, you're a romantic who loves your exploration
you will love this life, you will change lives
happiness is picking up an old hobby ;)
because it means doing the thing you love, and tending to something outside of yourself not out of survival but of pure joy.
you should see the way people light up doing the things they love
this morning i went to buy food and played an old song, driving on the road pretending to be an old cowboy who understood things like heartbreak and good music. the food was good but i felt something forlorn tugging at my heart's collar and i wanted to cry. so many small reasons discredited over time were now building up tears, welling in the corner of my eyes. they weren't bad tears though, they're just sadness laced so beautifully with acceptance.
in my room alone i danced to the music, and i felt at peace, the kind that was laced so beautifully with sadness and i felt at one with my melancholy
-silv
"maybe I don't need the chaos of someone having my heart or whatever"
(she said as she toughens up)
i lamented the fact that you walked away
you used to carry me softly
but you're not here anymore
(i will cherish our friendship and i will always remember the way you made me feel. on terrible days it made me strong because i've been alive these many years and i have never met anyone constantly asking me how i feel and trying your best to make sure that i feel okay and that is a lovely thing to do to another person. it is an unforgettable act of kindness, pure at its core)
