I have not been on here in months.so much has been happening in my life. I will update some stuff soon I've been wanting to talk about on here.

My ex. My abuser. My highschool sweetheart. My everything. Or so I thought. Why are you still obsessed with me after over 10 years of a crazy nonsense relationship? You suddenly think you could treat me better and be better for me? It just sounds way too good to be true. And why am I obsessed with your every move? Why do I feel the need to skim your facebook messages because you left your login info on my laptop? I am just wondering if you are lying I guess, and keep being paraonid that something is going to go wrong. Maybe you are not being totally honest about how you feel about me. Maybe you just want to try to get into my pants.

He said he'd be patient. And also, no longer angry. But I keep seeing the signs that he'll snap again. He snapped earlier, in my car over something I said about wishing my sister's relationship lasts because her boyfriend seems right for her and how she seems content in an committed relationship. He heard it way right and snapped at me. I told him to get out of my car, he tried to quickly apologize, to try to get me to keep talking. I tried again for ten minutes, and it wouldn't change. He blocked me on Facebook and I stupidly called his cell phone phone number, wondering why. I should have just let it be. I've often expressed not wanting to be intimate, and not anytime soon and I can't plan when that'll be. He'd keep asking. Eventually he got sick of no and insists he's finally rewarded a BJ for his patience waiting for the past three months, like I owed him sex apparently. I was in shock. If he cared about me wanting to remain abstinent for awhile, why would he begin to strongly insinuate for sex? I was wondering how far it'd go and I felt manipulated into saying yes because he kept guilting me into feeling bad for his lack of sex. He says I'm the only one he wants (hard to believe). I just don't get why he won't move on to another girl then since I'm not moving his pace. More borderline arguments continue.. I eventually get sick of it. I said I'd talk later and he was asking me to sext. I said not tonight please. I'll talk later. He says goodnight at first but soon continues, feeling like he needs to try again. I keep saying no . He keeps trying to persaude me with different variations. I eventually have to get real and say he's making me anxious and stuff. He eventually backs off.. I don't like getting that real with people but sometimes it's needed. I felt taken advantage of.. I hope we stop talking.

I tried being your friend. But you keep mentioning how you wish we were more. You asked for nudes tonight. I said no because I'm just tired and not in the mood. You then say you'll block my number and when I ask why.. anger is unleashed. You call me a cunt. You say I'm useless and ungrateful. I've never asked for anything from you. I just wanted you to be kind, and patient with me. I'm like an animal who feels constantly anxious like I need to run.. That's just not good enough for you. You don't have patience, you are rarely kind, you don't respect me enough to get to know me without wanting more and more. I don't want to be around a person who makes me feel guilty for not wanting to be with them instantly.

Well shit haha Too accurate.

Does alcohol excuse a person’s behavior?

I have a question for anyone out there who has either dated an alcoholic, is an alcoholic or just knows someone who is. If you found out about seven years later that your ex, who you were with at the time, ended up black out cheating on you, how would you feel? Is the excuse being black out drunk a viable one for someone who has cheated? And, once they realized what had happened, and decided to keep it hidden from their partner, doesn't that alone show a bigger trust issue? And what it the person they cheated on you with, is still a current friend of theirs? I have never been black out drunk in my life. I have a few drinks and then stop when I feel tipsy, and then begin the process of drinking water and eating right away. I don't understand the full need for a person to not care enough to get black out drunk, especially in situations where they may be vulnerable to their surroundings. I am no longer with this person but they never had any intentions to really tell me about their black out cheating mistake. I only found out because they for some reason saved their Facebook log in information my laptop. I should not have browesed their messages and invaded their privacy but they keep showing romantic interests towards me, and a part of me thought they may be lying. This particular person has been struggling with alcoholish since teen age years, and has done a number of awful things to me over the years. Does the excuse of alcohol consumption make a person's behavior acceptable for forgivness? Please comment here or message me. I would really like to know what other people think.

The night 911 was called. We were getting along many hours before. We had drinks. I bought myself angry orchard green apple, and you a few Natty daddy beers. I put on some of my favorite music, and was dancing and singing. We joked around and had a good time. Hours later I was tired, so I headed to the room to sleep. I asked you to kiss me and tuck me in. You weren’t tired yet, so you returned to your computer to play a game. I fell asleep, and hours later, around 1230am -1am, I was woken up by you. You got into bed, moving around a lot and were talking. You kept repeating that you wish I were dead because I was with someone else briefly. This was after the first time 911 was called because he came at me with a machete.. weeks leading up to that did a number of things previously mentioned on my blog. He was drunk and hallucinating. This time, he was drunk and I don’t know if he was hallucinating but he woke me up to say awful things. I told him I love him and that other person means nothing.. clearly you mean more if you are with me and live with me again. I said we should stop talking about it and go to sleep. I tried to record him with my phone so he could hear what he says in his drunken state but unfortunately the recording was unclear. He had begun thess threats not too long after relasping, and I could feel my anxiety rise higher and higher each time he asked for a drink because it often resulted in verbal abuse towards me. I was laying, facing him.. he kept putting his hands on me, pushing me over.. “Move over”, he said, “I don’t want you near me. Whore.” I was getting fed up by the pushing.. I put both hands on his face, lightly touching his cheeks with my palms and I whispered in his ear.. “Please just knock it off.” Fists came crashing into me. I remember tucking myself into a ball, knees close to my chest, arms trying to block my face, shouting “Stop.. please..”, over and over.. trying to wake up my sister or other roommate.. whoever may hear. Crash.. fist hit my face. Apparently during this lashing, he claims I kneed him in the balls. I don’t remember but I was clearly trying to defend myself and my knees probably got him in defense. Eventually he stopped. I rushed out of the bedroom. I went into the bathroom and saw my face in the mirror. Tears streamed down as I witnessed my extremely swollen cheek and badly bruised eye.. I then went into the kitchen, sobbing loudly, in shock, not sure what to do. My sister and her boyfriend were woken up. She walks over to me, asking what happened. I can barely make out words. My abuser tried to get me to go into the bedroom to talk but I refused. Instead, I went into my sister’s room. She called the police. I heard my abuser say we should call because it’s gone too far. It’s like he had a brief moment of clarity.. like he was out of his black out state. He returned to the bedroom and smoked a bowl until the police arrived. My sister and I and her boyfriend went downstairs to await the police. They came quietly, and asked what happened. I was still sobbing and tried to explain..they went upstairs to get him. One officer took a picture of my face so they had evidence. They offered a restraining order but I said I had to think about it..I was just in shock. We were getting along so well and then hours later. This. He had demons in his head he hasn’t made peace with, and I was there to deal with the consequences.

I think my ex is starting to slowly slip back into relasping. When he was first out of jail and newly homeless, he was positive and always understanding, and admitted his behavior was wrong and abusive. Lately, he's been blame shifting a lot. He will get mad when I say he's been abusing me in so many ways for so long. For example, in highschool, he would ignore me and put me down yet in front of me would give other girls attention and behind my back. For some reason I kept getting sucked back in to basically prove I'm more worthy than they are.. even after he left school, he would try to tell me how to dress during his absence. Only wear sweat pants and his baggy sweatshirt.. no make up or jeans or self expression. He's admitted that he used to try to control me in a way to gain my loyalty. His view of our relationship is warped. I was always quite loyal, wouldn't even talk to any guys or have them as friends, even considered an all female college. I did whatever I deemed necessary to please him, and only have his attention. The other day he started claiming I would always try to get with other guys, and he mentioned a neighbor of mine who I grew up with. I was confused.. I was only ever my neighbors friend and I haven't talked to him since I was like 14. It seems like he's out of things to say to try to regain control. He still keeps trying to warp my perception and make me think I'm more to blame, and that the times I've hit him weren't ok cause he was being annoying. Annoying? He was mentally abusive. He'd manipulate me, he'd keep me awake at night, he'd make me feel guilty for something in particular that he thinks I've done. He has been verbally abusing me since way before we lived together. He even was the first one to hit me, establishing it as an ok reaction to my emotional outbursts. Annoying? I would never strike a person who was just being annoying. The nerve he has to downplay his actions and the fact he's still doing it means he doesn't care and will never change. He thinks his behavior is in just.