rebel4lyfe reblogged

i’m really fucking sad but i wanna learn how to be happy

2018

rebel4lyfe

Welp that didn’t quite happen, so i’m going to be more practical. this year i hope to read more books

- 2019

rebel4lyfe

i read some books but if I’m being honest i could have done better. this year i want to have better relationships.

- 2020

rebel4lyfe

my relationships are still not at all what i want them to be. i have no security in them. maybe i could just try to find some sense of security this time around

-2021

rebel4lyfe

i feel more secure with myself generally. i took the time to put myself first and push myself to be better. This year I want to try working on the relationships in my life again.

-2022

rebel4lyfe

relationship are still no where.. im not reading anymore.. maybe next year I will just let life take me where it goes. i don’t want to make a new goal.

-2023

rebel4lyfe

01.09.2022.

i just opened my old ipad. I went through the photos and found everything i use to save. I had so much emotion growing up even though i suppressed it.

i also saw my old friends. it hurts a little to look at them. we were so close. i was so happy with them. so secure in them. it was genuinely people i loved.

It kills me to think of the way things played out. it hurts to be the only one who cares and the only one still longing. but i j never had relationships like that ever again. i never trusted anyone ever again. i don't know that no matter what i do, i'll ever be able to.

rebel4lyfe reblogged

rebel4lyfe

i’m really fucking sad but i wanna learn how to be happy

2018

rebel4lyfe

Welp that didn’t quite happen, so i’m going to be more practical. this year i hope to read more books

- 2019

rebel4lyfe

i read some books but if I’m being honest i could have done better. this year i want to have better relationships.

- 2020

rebel4lyfe

my relationships are still not at all what i want them to be. i have no security in them. maybe i could just try to find some sense of security this time around

-2021

rebel4lyfe

i feel more secure with myself generally. i took the time to put myself first and push myself to be better. This year I want to try working on the relationships in my life again.

-2022

rebel4lyfe reblogged

rebel4lyfe

i’m really fucking sad but i wanna learn how to be happy

2018

rebel4lyfe

Welp that didn’t quite happen, so i’m going to be more practical. this year i hope to read more books

- 2019

rebel4lyfe

i read some books but if I’m being honest i could have done better. this year i want to have better relationships.

- 2020

rebel4lyfe

my relationships are still not at all what i want them to be. i have no security in them. maybe i could just try to find some sense of security this time around

-2021

rebel4lyfe

reminder to people i care about:

im moody

i am apologizing ahead of time for this and all the damage along it brings

please be patient and know my moods have nothing to do with you. no matter how personal i may project it on to you.

rebel4lyfe

the opposite of love is apathy.

karen kingsbury // love story

rebel4lyfe

I just feel little lost at the moment. I feel like mentally I am slipping away and back into bad habits. my relationships aren’t prospering. Between my now broken family and friendships that seem conditional or surface level. my body is getting more restless. I lose myself in moments that I am alone, yet I also feel either completely drained around other people or do a 180 and get stupidly intoxicated. i can’t help but long for my happiness. it felt like i was on cloud 9 when i was with him. the feelings he brought out in me extended into my personal life. I was flourishing with a glow of simple joy. it was a short ride but it was exactly what I imagined it would be like. to be normally happy. i don’t want to put all that power into one person. its not fair. it was just the one time in my life i did feel that way. or least the first time in years. and after i had been through so much shit. i felt grown and fully ready to give myself to someone in the right manner. i wanted it to work out so bad but it has to be just coincidence that I’m feeling bad again and he’s gone. i refuse to give that power to him and to love.

rebel4lyfe

Its so weird how you have had so many important and deep connections with people who now mean nothing to you. You do not talk anymore and sometimes you even leave on bad terms. Its crazy to see how some of the people who you loved the most turned around and wrecked you. or worse how you mistreated them. I normally say that I'd never want a do-over. Im happy with even the heartache because it developed me into the person I am today. But sometimes when I really look back. Like I go back and relive certain relationships and choices I made, I think about how it would have been so different if I treated people better. If i realized how much they meant to me. I i truly understood the impact of those moments and the way it could have panned out. I am sorry for those I hurt when I was hurting myself. Im sorry for the relationships I wasted because I was so blind or caught uo in something else. I wish the people I think of as I write this, knew how much I still think of them.

5/12/2020

rebel4lyfe

look beneath the surface so you can judge correctly

•John 7:24

rebel4lyfe

im having a pretty good day so i just wanted to say something because normally i only post when im not doing too hot.

its monday so i went to work and saw my kiddos. then came home and worked out. went and had dinner at a friends house. we had some micheladas and smoke a bit of weed. then watched joe rogan’s stand up.

its not just today either. I had a good weekend also. on saturday i went over to a friends house. B ended up being there and it wasnt too bad. still kinda hard, but he spoke to me and we stayed mutual which is really the best i could ask for.

still wished her cared about our friendship but thats a story for another day.

on sunday i cleaned the house a bit and did some chores outside. it was sunny and 80 with a cool breeze. i worked out and made some playlists.

its been a good few days and i hope it continues.

-4•20•2020

rebel4lyfe reblogged

rebel4lyfe

im feeling bleh again and i hope it doest stay that long

also maybe i should eat some more

but still i hope this goes away soon

rebel4lyfe

still feeling this was. the other night it carried all the way to the next morning.

i’ve been eating and working out

rebel4lyfe

people act like you can only believe in god or science.

but why cant i choose both?

why cant i believe in a god who created science?

rebel4lyfe

“im alone tonight, but I’m used to that. It’s just that I don’t often feel lonely.”

An Anonymous Girl // Greer Hendrixs and Sarah Pekkanen

rebel4lyfe

im feeling bleh again and i hope it doest stay that long

also maybe i should eat some more

but still i hope this goes away soon

rebel4lyfe

We all have reasons for our judgements, even if those reasons are so deeply buried we don’t recognize them ourselves.

- An Anonymous Girl // Greer Hendricks and Sarah Pekkanen

rebel4lyfe

Uncertainty is an excruciating state in which to exist.

- An Anonymous Girl // Greer Hendricks and Sarah Peekanen

rebel4lyfe

The intellect does not reign supreme in matters of the heart.

The Anonymous Girl // Greer Hendricks and Sarah Pekkanen

rebel4lyfe

In every lifetime, there are pivot points that shape and eventually cememt one’s path.

An Anonymous Girl // Greer Hendricks and Sarah Pekkanen

rebel4lyfe

Maybe the secrets I’ve been holding are a bigger deal than I thought.

An Anonymous Girl // Greer Hendricks and Sarah Pekkanen

rebel4lyfe

look I’ve been lost a lot in my life and it seems like lately i’ve been lost more then ever. no matter what i always thought i had a strong sense of self and then i turned 16 and fell in love with a really awful human being. He mistreated me and completely destroyed what i had to offer to the world. and since him, I’ve been searching for my old self. for that girl who could love with no fear. who could develop those feeling without hesitation. the girl who did not push people away. i haven’t found her yet

then i always thought well at least i have a really good family. that’s promising right? a lot of people in this world don’t have the kind of family i do. i took pride in this. then my brother passed and suddenly he’s not the only thing that disappeared. my whole family seems to be breaking and suddenly we aren’t all that great anymore.

but at least i always had my friends to rely on right. i mean seriously who could have better friends then me. we’ve been so close for so long and really i never imagined they would go anyway where. now you won’t even answer my call.

lots changed for me. when i write it out, it looks like it changed for the worse. but i choose to move past this. i don’t know exactly how yet but i do know everyone goes through these changes and everyone gets pass them. i too will get pass them. i refuse to let this change me for the worse, i want to get better. i will recreate myself. To hell with the old me. I needed to learn some things and now that i have, i am going to use them to be a million times better then i ever could have been without these experiences.

and my family, though i wish them the best, are to not define me in the wrong way. they will no longer hold me back. i will either use them in a way to become stronger, or hopefully watch they transform back into the people i knew before. and i will make better friends again. i will be close to people again and i will not let these issues in my life define me in the wrong way. they are no longer my crutch but my learning process.

i choose how to move forward