I'm Scared

I’m scared I might go through college and not meet people or make friends and I’ll end up alone in life filled with sadness, debt, and guilt. I don’t know what I would do…

I made this post 6 years ago and I’ve actually improved. I made friends in college, have a loving boyfriend of 4 years, and we just at moved in together during this stressful hectic time. I am still depressed and in a shit time of student debt but I came to terms with it and i hold no guilt nor do I feel alon anymore. I may have improved but there’s still a ways to go

I am the bathroom tap that never stops dripping. I am my mother crying in the bathroom. I cross my legs and smile at my doctor. He doesn’t smile back. He asks why I took all those pills. I am the bathroom tap that never stops dripping. I am nothing but the sound of birds rustling in autumn leaves. I am not my father. Anything but my father. He is the crunch of autumn leaves. The garbage disposal. My mother is the woman drowning in the bathtub and I am the bathroom tap that never stops dripping. I am her shrieks. I wear pink blush and smile at my doctor. I took those pills because I am the bathroom tap that never stops dripping. My mother is drowning. My father is destructing and I can’t stop dripping. Can’t you see, my mothers shrieks is my grief. My mother stands outside the hospital room crying. I’m wearing a hospital gown and I watch my father scrunch up his fists. I am not my fathers anger. But I understand it. I am the bathroom tap that never stops dripping. In the same bathroom my mother cries in. In the same bathroom I tried to die in. I am the bathroom tap that never stops dripping.

— Hannah Green, from “A Conversation With My Doctor.” ©

i wish i could go back in time and tell my younger self “hey just kill yourself now. there’s no hope and the future is worthless”.

everyone keeps telling me that i have to stay alive for them, that killing myself would be selfish because they need me and my departure would cause them great pain.

what about MY pain? what about ME? i’m dying inside, falling apart every single night and shoving back my broken pieces inside my chest every morning, bleeding internally. what about MY pain? why can’t i rest easy? isn’t it selfish for you to ask me to stay knowing how badly i’m hurting?

Absolutely stunning 🤤

I so pale

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I have extremely dry skin and have issues with eczema. It’s truly, truly awful and I can’t tell you how miserable it can be dealing with skin so dry that it hurts. I have tried different tricks and products for dealing with it, but none of it helped much, so I decided to make something specifically for my problem and I decided I would share it with you.

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I wish I wasn’t born in this generation like seriously the love is fake, we fake being happy, family don’t stick together anymore, the person u care about is really doing u wrong behind ur back, nothing is genuine it’s all about what can u do for me or u getting used. It’s real sad

I just finished babysitting my friend’s children, and she has most definitely mastered the no spanking/alternative discipline route. I always talk about taking it because I don’t believe in abusing children, but I’ve never personally seen it in action by a Black parent. Her children are 2 and 5 and they are the kindest, nicest toddlers I’ve ever met. They listen to her because she’s their mom and they automatically recognize she’s important and she gives them what they want (love and affection and rewards). In return they like to clean for her and give her artwork and cuddles all of the time.

To get them to listen to her, she makes sure to listen to them and what they’ve got to say instead of telling them to shut up all the time. The 5 year old asked her a few months ago why you can’t eat food that was on the floor after picking up food on the floor, and she explained it calmly and clearly. He asked 4 other questions after that and she answered all of them. He was satisfied and happy with the answers, and ever since he hasn’t done those things. She lets them gush and gush about Hot Wheels or Team Umizoomi and engages with them and counts with them and everything, so they never feel alone or neglected enough to not want to obey.

My friend lets them make mistakes by themselves on the rare chance they don’t listen so they can learn from them and let that be punishment enough. For example, the younger one we’ve been telling not to go near the dog cage because he doesn’t like dogs. He went near it a while ago, got his hand licked, freaked out, and hasn’t been anywhere near it since. The board on the wall that she uses has a column for each boy horizontally, and vertically are all the traits she wants them to have, like being nice, listening to her and their teachers, eating their food, cleaning up, having manners, etc. They get a sticker whenever they do it for the day, and they lose all their stickers when they break a habit. That’s enough punishment for them, so they don’t break it.

When they wake up, it’s cleanup time, or bedtime, she plays what she calls “musical habits”. She puts on a playlist of their favorite songs (it’s like 20-25 minutes) that make them feel motivated, and they should be finished getting ready or cleaning by the time the last song is over. If they’re not, they get a toy from their toy bin taken away or an Oreo from their snack bag taken out (aka eaten by her). But she hasn’t ever gotten to that because they always finish. They don’t even like hearing the consequences lol. And I just wanted to say I really enjoyed seeing good parenting by a Black woman that wasn’t abusive or harmful to the child’s development, it gave me inspiration and hope. Just had to talk about it somewhere.

I wrote this post about a year ago. Since then, I’ve become the godmother to both of these babies, and they are STILL so well behaved. I babysit from time to time. They’re also enrolled in Montessori programs.

She’s now teaching them about mindfulness, Spanish, self care, and cooking. They have little yoga mats and practice breathing in and out with her every morning, and then they do affirmations together. I visited them a while back and they have a new board up! She created a system where they’re challenged with the task to do something nice for each other or for someone else every week. With this challenge they’re instructed to use their listening skills to figure out what that person might want or need, and then figure out how they should react. The only reward at the end of the week is a big hug and some snacks, and every month, she lets them have a movie day if they’ve done really well.

She’s also making them use their words when they’re upset instead of grumbling in silence. Her oldest one was notorious for that. She made up a little saying to remind him: “Mommy can’t help if Mommy doesn’t know.” It’s forced him to explain why he’s upset and that gives them a chance to have an actual conversation about it. Now they talk about ANYTHING. If they don’t feel like talking at that moment and they express that, she’ll lead them to their playroom and turn their favorite show on or let them meditate or draw until they’ve cooled down. She also accepts letters if they just didn’t want to use their words. It was so good to watch.

By the way, I got many messages about this post asking me to ask my friend where she learned these techniques. She said that she wrote down all the ways her parents hurt, hindered, or stunted her developmental growth and then wrote down ways they could’ve approached it better or loved her better. That second list is her guideline. 

I usually see people say they’re never gonna treat their kids like their parents treated them yet end up doing it anyways. So this is encouraging… knowing that it is possible to be better than you’re parents.

If I ever have a kid this is the parent I aspire to be 

That bit at the end? To write down all the ways her parent messed up and how to fix it? I like that. I need to try that.

I wish to carve out my uterus with my bare hands and howl at the moon

I wish to smash my makeup with a sledgehammer and shit out my red lipstick

I wish to gouge my eyes out with my sparkly heels and feed them to men

I wish to dip my hair pins in poison and stab them into boys

I wish to color all my pink with period blood

Too taint all my facemasks with discharge

I wish to rip out my hair, carve out my own tits, chew off my lips, pull out my fingernails

I wish not to evolve into the beast

Due to sadness

Or trauma

I have always been a beast

A caged, fear smothered man abididing trapped in a tight dress,

beast.

I  have become THE beast.

A hairy, period blood covered man eater howling at the moon, eternally free,

Woman.

Incels and other sexist men can’t see a woman doing something incredible without fuming and trying to discredit her. They’re now dissing on Katie Bouman, who helped write one of the algorithms that got us the black hole picture, saying she was just an assistant (they don’t know what assistant professor is), and using Andrew Chael, her colleague in the Event Horizon Telescope team who helped write one of the codes, as ~the true person behind the codes who is being erased by this anti-men society~ or whatever. They’re even saying crap like “lmao women really don’t do shit”. Andrew took to Twitter himself to call bullshit on that.

If y'all can spread this thread to counter such narrative it’d be great.

(x)

once you stop fantasizing about that ideal version of yourself and start working towards becoming that person by setting your alarm clock earlier and actually going to the gym and actually volunteering at places and actually eating healthier and not procrastinating and working just a little bit harder you’ll realize that it was so easy all along. becoming your ideal self will only ever exist in your mind until you make the decision to work towards becoming that person. get up!! get going!! it’s now or never!! there is no light at the end of the tunnel!! get that flashlight and pave your own path bitch bc no one else is going to do it for u!!